The Jellies (2017) s01e01 Episode Script
Gangsta's Paradise
Do you remember how much these were? Bitch, do I look like your co-worker? Carlos, price check on aisle eight.
Super Strength Cat Cleaner price check on Aisle 8! Super Strength Cat Cleaner price check on Aisle 8.
Was all that even necessary? And make it quick.
They're $13.
99.
These must be for you.
Fine, you got me.
Actually, ma'am, it appears that your credit card has declined.
What? Nah, that's a mistake.
Run it again.
Hello? Yes, it's Debbie Jellie speaking, calling on behalf of my credit card being declined.
Excuse me? A what? No, I did not buy no damn solar panels.
This must be fraud.
A Mr.
Barry Jellie? Okay, thank you.
I'm sorry about that, sir.
There was a problem on my husband's behalf.
Ma'am, you gotta pay for that.
Hi, honey, just in time for a blueberry avocado saammoothie! $1,800? 18-hundred damn dollars?! It's an investment.
It has a built-in GPS.
I have never been more embarrassed in my life than at that grocery store.
I can't even buy cat cleaner there again.
I mean, you're worse than these kids.
Give me that damn thing.
We're taking this thing back.
Is that a belly button ring? All the guys were doing it, Debbie.
It's cool.
Okay, this must be a joke.
Either this is a joke, or you must want me to kill the hell out of you right now! No, no.
Don't be mad.
I talked him into those.
The nigga from "Hustle and Flow"? I rented him, baby.
He's only 200 bucks an hour, can you believe it? I'm just living my life.
I had a breakthrough, honey.
Hey, man, this hour's almost done.
Would you like me to charge another? Thanks.
And a turtle?! That I did not buy.
That's where I draw the goddamn line! First you mope around this house like you hate your life and complain, now you just go and start spending all of my hard-earned money that I don't work for? You're messing with my liquor, and that's where I don't play! Get your ass out, Barry! Space is just like a big book.
What happened to Dad? You father is an idiot, and I'm sick of his shit.
He's triflin', he's messy, and I can't put up with it anymore.
What are you wearing? Mom, I have something to tell you.
I'm really concerned that you and Dad are gonna get a divorce like Reggie's parents.
That could really mess a child up.
Surgically dividing households in a way that creates abnormality, instability, and insecurity in a way I am unprepared for.
Boy, you grown.
You should have thought about it before buying that stupid-ass turtle.
Don't say that! You're hurting Tonto's feelings.
That's it! If I can just get Arnez to perform for my parents, they'll remember all over again how much they love each other.
RG, I need your help! Of course you do, man.
It is important you tell me everything you know about the music artist Arnez.
He's the only hope I have for getting my parents back together.
Arnez? I remember that fool.
He was, like, the most popular singer in the '90s.
He was everywhere Radio, music videos, commercials, "Jet" magazine.
You really couldn't escape him.
At least, that's how it was until that night.
Pop that cootchie for me Pop I just want to be real with y'all.
I been battling some things in my life, but by the grace of God, I made it through.
I'm proud to come out as vegan.
Then it happened, and everything changed.
He lost it all, man.
It was sad.
I guess being an open gluten-free/vegan was "too progressive" for the '90s.
That's horrible.
So where can I find Arnez today? Last I heard, he was living at Gangsta's Paradise retirement home in Long Beach, California.
I could take you there if you'd like.
Awesome! What about your store? What you are doing is unconstitutional.
I have rights just like everybody else.
Why do you look at me with such hate in your eyes? I'm sorry, but the law says no shirts, no service.
I can't wear a shirt! I was born like this! Look, if you don't like it, maybe you should run for mayor.
You know what? Maybe I will.
Mr.
Hall, I see you're checking back in.
Yeah, NBC played a brotha.
What is this place? You oughta know.
Greetings, homies, and welcome to Gangsta's Paradise, where all the stars of yesterday come to retire.
I opened it up a few years ago after appearing in a "Celebrity Wife Swap," realizing life could only go downhill from there.
So what brings you to GPH? Hello, Mr.
Coolio.
My name is Cornell, and I'm looking for an artist by the name of Arnez.
He's the only person who has any chance of bringing my parents back together.
Yeah, that's clearly a prerecorded message.
Of course, look around.
They're welcome to leave whenever you find the people you are looking for.
This is how we do it Montell, shut the hell up, man! I'm tired of that goddamn singing, man.
Shut the hell up.
Don't be so mad, Chris.
Barney, shut your purple ass up, too, man.
Damn.
But I love you.
Do you love me? There he is! Arnez! I've been looking all over for you! I need you to come home with me and sing to my parents.
They fell in love to your music, and hearing it all over again is the only chance I have of getting them back together.
Will you do it? I'd love to.
Who are you? Hi.
I'm Cornell, and this is RG.
Only problem is, we'll never make it out of here alive.
But Coolio said we could leave whenever we want to.
Man, Coolio is a damn fool.
He can't bear the thought of anyone else making it past the '90s, so once you check in, he keeps you here with him forever, except for Joey Fatone and Mario Lopez.
That's ridiculous.
I think I spotted an exit door on my way in.
Follow me! Yo, stop! Yo, yo, I'm just messing with you.
Where you off to? Nowhere.
He was just showing us around.
Yo, yo, my man! Ain't no reason to lie to the X! Okay, you're right, Mr.
X.
We're breaking him out of here to save my parents' marriage.
Hey, yo, that made me feel some type of way inside, like around my heart.
I want to help y'all out.
Get them.
Where my dawgs at?! Follow me! Ricky! Samuel: Man, you did the right thing, Barry.
Females just don't understand what it is to have a midlife crisis.
You know, my lady tried telling me what to buy, but I nipped that in the bud.
Laid that law down.
You feel me? You also haven't had a girlfriend in like 10 years.
She did have a point, though.
The store did have a different smoothie machine on sale for 500 bucks.
You need to return all of it, Barry.
If I learned anything from my wife and my other wife in Mexico, the one thing you can't put a price on today is love.
You're right, Chata.
Do you think Debbie will ever be able to forgive me? Of course.
Your wife is one of the most loving, forgiving people I know.
Personally.
If you'd just stop for one second, Debbie, I have something very important to tell you.
What does your convertible-driving, blender-buying, credit card-declining self have to say to me before I turn this bitch into the Watts Riots? Please, just put the lighter down, take a moment, breathe, and Pop that cootchie for me-e-e-e Yeah Pop that cootchie for me Barry I can't believe you brought Arnez here for me.
I love you.
I love you, too.
Pop that cootchie for me Pop that cootchie for me Pop that cootchie for a real ass playa Yeah, yeah.
That's it right there, man.
Hey, homey! That's my hot dog.
Super Strength Cat Cleaner price check on Aisle 8! Super Strength Cat Cleaner price check on Aisle 8.
Was all that even necessary? And make it quick.
They're $13.
99.
These must be for you.
Fine, you got me.
Actually, ma'am, it appears that your credit card has declined.
What? Nah, that's a mistake.
Run it again.
Hello? Yes, it's Debbie Jellie speaking, calling on behalf of my credit card being declined.
Excuse me? A what? No, I did not buy no damn solar panels.
This must be fraud.
A Mr.
Barry Jellie? Okay, thank you.
I'm sorry about that, sir.
There was a problem on my husband's behalf.
Ma'am, you gotta pay for that.
Hi, honey, just in time for a blueberry avocado saammoothie! $1,800? 18-hundred damn dollars?! It's an investment.
It has a built-in GPS.
I have never been more embarrassed in my life than at that grocery store.
I can't even buy cat cleaner there again.
I mean, you're worse than these kids.
Give me that damn thing.
We're taking this thing back.
Is that a belly button ring? All the guys were doing it, Debbie.
It's cool.
Okay, this must be a joke.
Either this is a joke, or you must want me to kill the hell out of you right now! No, no.
Don't be mad.
I talked him into those.
The nigga from "Hustle and Flow"? I rented him, baby.
He's only 200 bucks an hour, can you believe it? I'm just living my life.
I had a breakthrough, honey.
Hey, man, this hour's almost done.
Would you like me to charge another? Thanks.
And a turtle?! That I did not buy.
That's where I draw the goddamn line! First you mope around this house like you hate your life and complain, now you just go and start spending all of my hard-earned money that I don't work for? You're messing with my liquor, and that's where I don't play! Get your ass out, Barry! Space is just like a big book.
What happened to Dad? You father is an idiot, and I'm sick of his shit.
He's triflin', he's messy, and I can't put up with it anymore.
What are you wearing? Mom, I have something to tell you.
I'm really concerned that you and Dad are gonna get a divorce like Reggie's parents.
That could really mess a child up.
Surgically dividing households in a way that creates abnormality, instability, and insecurity in a way I am unprepared for.
Boy, you grown.
You should have thought about it before buying that stupid-ass turtle.
Don't say that! You're hurting Tonto's feelings.
That's it! If I can just get Arnez to perform for my parents, they'll remember all over again how much they love each other.
RG, I need your help! Of course you do, man.
It is important you tell me everything you know about the music artist Arnez.
He's the only hope I have for getting my parents back together.
Arnez? I remember that fool.
He was, like, the most popular singer in the '90s.
He was everywhere Radio, music videos, commercials, "Jet" magazine.
You really couldn't escape him.
At least, that's how it was until that night.
Pop that cootchie for me Pop I just want to be real with y'all.
I been battling some things in my life, but by the grace of God, I made it through.
I'm proud to come out as vegan.
Then it happened, and everything changed.
He lost it all, man.
It was sad.
I guess being an open gluten-free/vegan was "too progressive" for the '90s.
That's horrible.
So where can I find Arnez today? Last I heard, he was living at Gangsta's Paradise retirement home in Long Beach, California.
I could take you there if you'd like.
Awesome! What about your store? What you are doing is unconstitutional.
I have rights just like everybody else.
Why do you look at me with such hate in your eyes? I'm sorry, but the law says no shirts, no service.
I can't wear a shirt! I was born like this! Look, if you don't like it, maybe you should run for mayor.
You know what? Maybe I will.
Mr.
Hall, I see you're checking back in.
Yeah, NBC played a brotha.
What is this place? You oughta know.
Greetings, homies, and welcome to Gangsta's Paradise, where all the stars of yesterday come to retire.
I opened it up a few years ago after appearing in a "Celebrity Wife Swap," realizing life could only go downhill from there.
So what brings you to GPH? Hello, Mr.
Coolio.
My name is Cornell, and I'm looking for an artist by the name of Arnez.
He's the only person who has any chance of bringing my parents back together.
Yeah, that's clearly a prerecorded message.
Of course, look around.
They're welcome to leave whenever you find the people you are looking for.
This is how we do it Montell, shut the hell up, man! I'm tired of that goddamn singing, man.
Shut the hell up.
Don't be so mad, Chris.
Barney, shut your purple ass up, too, man.
Damn.
But I love you.
Do you love me? There he is! Arnez! I've been looking all over for you! I need you to come home with me and sing to my parents.
They fell in love to your music, and hearing it all over again is the only chance I have of getting them back together.
Will you do it? I'd love to.
Who are you? Hi.
I'm Cornell, and this is RG.
Only problem is, we'll never make it out of here alive.
But Coolio said we could leave whenever we want to.
Man, Coolio is a damn fool.
He can't bear the thought of anyone else making it past the '90s, so once you check in, he keeps you here with him forever, except for Joey Fatone and Mario Lopez.
That's ridiculous.
I think I spotted an exit door on my way in.
Follow me! Yo, stop! Yo, yo, I'm just messing with you.
Where you off to? Nowhere.
He was just showing us around.
Yo, yo, my man! Ain't no reason to lie to the X! Okay, you're right, Mr.
X.
We're breaking him out of here to save my parents' marriage.
Hey, yo, that made me feel some type of way inside, like around my heart.
I want to help y'all out.
Get them.
Where my dawgs at?! Follow me! Ricky! Samuel: Man, you did the right thing, Barry.
Females just don't understand what it is to have a midlife crisis.
You know, my lady tried telling me what to buy, but I nipped that in the bud.
Laid that law down.
You feel me? You also haven't had a girlfriend in like 10 years.
She did have a point, though.
The store did have a different smoothie machine on sale for 500 bucks.
You need to return all of it, Barry.
If I learned anything from my wife and my other wife in Mexico, the one thing you can't put a price on today is love.
You're right, Chata.
Do you think Debbie will ever be able to forgive me? Of course.
Your wife is one of the most loving, forgiving people I know.
Personally.
If you'd just stop for one second, Debbie, I have something very important to tell you.
What does your convertible-driving, blender-buying, credit card-declining self have to say to me before I turn this bitch into the Watts Riots? Please, just put the lighter down, take a moment, breathe, and Pop that cootchie for me-e-e-e Yeah Pop that cootchie for me Barry I can't believe you brought Arnez here for me.
I love you.
I love you, too.
Pop that cootchie for me Pop that cootchie for me Pop that cootchie for a real ass playa Yeah, yeah.
That's it right there, man.
Hey, homey! That's my hot dog.