The Job Lot (2013) s01e01 Episode Script
Episode 1
1 All right, Angela.
Thought you'd been sacked? I knew I had 'em somewhere.
They were in my bum bag.
Shall I open up? Yes, please.
Hold on.
It's not nine yet.
I make it nine.
No.
Well it's nearly nine.
Yeah, well nearly nine's not nine, is it? No, but it's nearly nine.
Still not nine.
Tell you what, let's open at nearly nine.
I don't get paid from nearly nine.
Fine, fine, it's fine.
Just tell me when it's nine.
You know what, Angela.
I was really hoping we could just put this behind - It's nine.
Morning! In you come.
Just dragging myself out of bed every morning's an effort.
I feel like a failure.
I mean, I've got a degree.
Art.
Where's that got me? I'll be honest with you I don't know how much more I can take.
Look, I really feel for you, mate, but can I just sign on? Sorry.
So what have you done in the last two weeks to find work? Karl, my love? Can I just have a quick word? Today's motto.
'Turn the unemployed into the funemployed.
' Right, this'll only take a mo.
Are they closing us down? No, no! Well, God, I hope not! Why, have you heard something I haven't? No, no.
They'd tell me first, wouldn't they? No, I just want to grab a quick chat with Angela's immediate colleagues in frontline claims, because she's back.
Which is great! Welcome back, Angela.
So, it's business as usual.
Everything's been resolved, Angela and I will be moving forward on an 'equal footing' and I'm happy about that.
We both see this as a really positive step, don't we, Angela? Can we go? Yes, go.
Go get 'em.
Go get 'em a job.
Ooh, sorry, just one more thing.
There's another World of Work seminar this afternoon.
Help us reach our targets.
Any volunteers to run it? Anyone want to help me? No, OK, not to worry! I'll do it.
It's fine.
Great.
Come on, Trish.
Come on, Trish.
So, what happened right, was I was gonna write the letter for the job but I had to find John first.
John? John from Adult Learning? You know, the one with the hair.
No, not the hair, the car.
But I couldn't find John.
I even went to where he buys food.
You know, the supermarket.
But he wasn't there.
But I didn't think he would be because it was the night.
And then I thought if he's not in Boots he's not anywhere.
But he wasn't in Boots.
Graham, why did you need to find John to write a letter? Well because John's got me pen.
Sorry about that.
I had to give it the once over.
The cleaners are bloody useless.
Can I help you, love? Yeah, I'm looking for New Claims? Straight through on your left, just follow your nose.
Thank you.
There you go, fella.
No job too big or small.
He's ever so good, did a cracking job on my downstairs.
Excuse me? I'd like to see someone about making a claim.
Have you got an appointment? No, I didn't know - You have to make an appointment if you want to speak to me.
Can I make an appointment? Yes, you can, yeah.
Great, thanks.
Er what time - You can't book in person, you have to call this number.
But I'm I'm right here.
If you're going to get aggressive I will have to call security.
I'm not getting - Security! OK, OK! Hello, Brownall Job Centre, how can I help you? Erm well I'd like to make an appointment with you.
Can you hold the line, please? There's no mobile phones in the job centre.
The interview was going all right, but then, the woman who was asking all the questions, she wasn't a woman anymore.
She was Phillip Schofield.
And we weren't in an office, we were in a squat in Nuneaton where I used to live.
My thinking is now that it was probably a dream.
So, my answer to your question would be no, I haven't had any job interviews.
Unless you count dreams.
Do you count dreams? We don't, no.
So that's 40 square metres of the luxury floral twist Paul.
No, sorry No I don't know a Moustapha.
Wrong number.
All right, mate.
Cheerio.
If you could clear the landing of furniture that'd be lovely.
Cheers, mate, bye.
Why aren't you on the door? Sorry, Trish, some idiot keeps phoning for a kebab house.
These phones don't take incoming calls.
Try telling him that! Paul, are you running a carpet fitting company from the job centre? A carpet fitting company? From the job centre? This job centre? No, bab.
Only I found these in the photocopier.
Now I admire your work ethic, Paul, but it's got no place in this job centre.
I think the toner's going.
Just do your job.
Which one? No.
Not today.
Now you are not going to bring me down because I am strong, I am positive and I am in control.
Right? Anyone need help? No? 'Welcome to The Department for Work and Pensions translation service.
If you require an immediate telephone translation press one now.
If you require' How are you, Karl? 'Now please listen carefully to' OK.
Great.
'Press one' How are you? Great! Considering.
Honestly.
Talk me through your targets, we really need to get those numbers up.
How many people are you going to get back into work today? Two? Three? Let's say seven, nice even number.
Sound OK? Well Brilliant.
Thank you, Karl.
You're my little ray of sunshine.
You're my favourite.
OK, so just to recap, you're going to get nine people back into work, be my little ray of sunshine, and file these for me.
There is a temp due but she's late.
Thank you so much.
'Press 10 for Sierra Leone, 11 for Somalia, 12 for Sudan You have pressed two, Angola.
I'm sorry, I didn't I'm sorry Press star to return to the main menu' Want one? Here y'are, fella.
Aqua Miami, very jazzy.
No, I've told you, I'm fine.
Thank you.
Peach Renaissance? He said I was aggressive but I wasn't cos it didn't even hit him.
What didn't? His holepunch.
He said I was wasting his time.
To be fair, Bryony, you were wasting his time.
I wanted that job.
But you can't speak Portuguese.
Yeah, but I go to Nando's.
You can't sign on if you don't start applying for realistic jobs.
I am.
MI5? It's my dream.
We've all got dreams, Bryony, but sometimes you've got to take whatever's going.
I don't want to be here but you put up with something you hate, hoping that things will get a little bit better.
Is that supposed to inspire me? Cos to be honest that makes me want a job even less.
Thanks.
You can't stop my money, I've got mouths to feed.
You haven't got any kids.
All right, I've got a mouth to feed.
Go and find a job you can do.
You go and find a job I can do.
OK.
Ah, there is a vacancy here at Upper Crust.
I'm wheat intolerant.
Argos? I've got a thing about little pens.
Bryony, I am trying to help.
They will stop your money.
You can't stop my money.
I can.
This is abuse! Right.
That's it, I've had enough.
What would your mum say if she saw you playing up? Oh, don't you start.
Don't you cheek me, madam.
I cleaned you up when you pooed yourself at Walsall Leather Museum.
Remember? Go on, shift! See you later, everyone.
I've had enough.
You can stick this job where the squirrel keeps his conkers.
What's going on? You got another job? No.
Well where are you going then? I'll find something.
Use your loaf, Karl! There's a bloke over there who drove here.
Drove.
In a Volvo.
I don't care, mate.
I'm not doing this anymore.
If you ever see me in here again it will be 20 million years too soon.
Up yours.
Ow! Watch it.
You got me right in the boob! Sorry, sorry.
You all right? Yeah, I've got another one.
Signing on? No, I'm temping.
I'm so late though, left my bag on the bus.
Ended up in Cannock! So you're the temp? Yeah.
Do you work here? This is the Welcome Desk where we welcome people.
Right.
That's Janette, one of our security guards.
Hello, my love.
And this is Darren.
What does he do? Nothing, that's why he's here! Sorry, I'm joking.
Darren's a trained chef.
You all right there, Darren? Any tasty kitchen jobs come up? Thought you'd left? Brilliant.
We're always having a laugh like that here.
I thought you'd left? You see? Ah, you jokers.
Angela.
This is Chloe.
Hi.
Brownall Job Centre, how can I help you? Yeah, don't worry about her.
She's always like that.
Trish actually sacked her but she won a tribunal and she had to give her her job back.
Awkward.
Yeah, just a bit.
And this is my desk.
Where I do my business.
Not toilet business obviously, they're out the back.
Oh, good to know.
Would you like a biscuit? Bloody hell, Karl! Have you got diabetes?! No.
I just like biscuits.
Yeah, so did my nan until she lost a leg.
Ah, you must be the temp.
Trish, C-SOM.
Customer Service Operation Manager.
Sorry I'm late.
It's fine, it's fine, it's fine.
We'll set you up here on the spare desk.
I see you've met Karl.
Yeah.
Yeah, he's been showing me around.
He's an absolute star.
Honestly I'd go mad without him here, I would.
Completely bonkers, I'd - I'd - I'd probably self harm.
So do you want to just pop your computer on and Karl will take you under his wing.
Is that all right? Yeah, that's great.
I mean, I don't mind.
See? Just amazing.
Oh go on, after you.
Paul phoned through, apparently there's a customer here to see you with some access requirements, OK? I can't apply for any jobs now.
Why? I just caught MS.
Sunil Mitesh, 2:45.
What? I made an appointment for - What's your name? I just spoke to you on the phone.
Name? Sunil Mitesh.
What time? 2:45.
I need to take you through some security questions.
Confirm your name, please? Sunil Mitesh.
And the time of your appointment? 2:45.
Right.
How can I help? I need to make a claim.
I can't find your form on the system.
What? They should have gone through a form with you on the phone.
I went through the form with you on the phone.
Mmm.
That's gone.
You're gonna have to do a clerical form.
You need the A110.
Fill in sections 1-23 and 35-50 inclusive.
So you're just going to have to sign me on because obviously I can't work.
Mmm, no, I don't.
Because obviously we all know you can't just catch MS.
You calling me a liar? Yes.
You won't be saying that when my legs fall off.
Balls.
Permanent I was up for the cinema but he wanted to go swimming.
Swimming? On a first date? How did it go? We just stayed in the cafe and had crisps.
Then he told me his dog's got cancer and started crying.
It was all right.
Oh, balls.
Oh, balls! Oh, hello.
Got here early.
I'm going to take the class for you.
Really? Yep.
Oh, you are a Godsend.
No.
Yes! Yes, you are.
You've always been my rock, even when Chris left me.
Oh, well, yeah I'm going to buy you dinner tonight.
No need.
No, no, I insist, my treat.
It'll be great to have someone to talk to.
Chase the demons away.
Honestly, Trish - I won't take no for an answer! You deserve it.
I'd love to honestly but - Please.
OK.
It's a date.
It's not a date.
Excellent, I'll just go and round everyone up.
Balls.
Janette, have you got anything that will get permanent marker off a whiteboard? No, love.
I used the last of the bleach on Angela's mouse mat.
Disgusting.
I've got some paint in me boot, six quid the lot.
Would that look alright? God no, it's brown.
D'you want it? Of course he doesn't.
Come on, bab.
You haven't got any nail varnish remover, have you, Chlo? No, not on me.
Why? Brain of Britain here's put magic marker on the whiteboard.
I've got some.
What were you thinking? I was upset.
Not as upset as Trish'd be if she saw that! I thought you liked working here? Yeah, yeah, I do.
Then why did you draw a big bum, eh? I don't know.
Poor woman.
Just got herself back together and you go and draw a big bum.
Will you have a look for it? I can't find it.
My hands don't work.
OK, Karl Hang on a minute, love.
Just making a few last minute preparations.
Hurry up, get rid of it! Sorry, chick, he's just sorting the chairs out.
OK.
Ladies and gentlemen Have you signed me on? Yes, you're good for a fortnight.
I see your MS has cleared up! Karl wants to make sure everything's just right before you go in.
Aww.
Every day he inspires me.
I love your dedication, Karl.
Thanks! It's very good.
Very detailed.
Oh, thanks.
Yeah, I've got an art degree.
Is it a self portrait? OK, Karl? Nearly ready! You know this is three quid a bottle? Can I owe it to you? Will there be crisps and tea? No.
No food, love.
We normally have crisps and tea after so we don't feel sick.
Nearly ready! We're not giving blood, Graham.
Oh.
Tell me why you'd like to work in my cake shop.
Well, it's interesting you should say that - Do you like cake? Well, yeah.
Then, congratulations.
I'd love to offer you the job.
Right, let's er, let's leave it there.
That was brilliant! So beautiful.
Let's do another one.
Great.
Erm, does anyone else want to do the questions? Yes, good idea.
Ooh, Angela, would you like to give it a go? No.
Oh, go on.
Come on, Angela, give it a go.
I'll call the union rep.
OK.
Erm anyone else? Someone? Willing to give it a go? Someone with the gift of the gab? So, to recap your order, that's 70 square metres of coarse weave carpet tiles in the showroom beige.
Fine.
And with your discount that comes to Trish? You don't need me to work it out.
It's important the role play's accurate.
Fine.
Fine.
It's fine.
So that's £143.
75 plus VAT.
Sod the VAT.
Deal.
And how would you wrap this up? Well, Karl, at this point - hypothetically, I'd say to the customer see you in the car park in ten minutes.
I would also point out that I do only accept cash.
Or Tesco Club Card vouchers.
OK.
Great, very realistic.
Right, er That's it, we're done.
Thank you, everyone.
Sorry, erm Karl.
About that cake shop, mate.
When do I start? Aw, Danielle, he's gorgeous! Look at his lovely chubby cheeks! How was the birth? Rank! No-one ever tells you about all the stuff that comes out with him.
Looked like someone'd dropped a trifle! It was beautiful as well, obviously.
Alright, Dan? You look great.
I know, they're brilliant, aren't they? I've gone up three cup sizes.
It's like a free boob job! I meant you look well.
Oh, right.
Ta.
And this must be Luke.
Hello, Luke.
Ooh.
Is that you or him? Oh, not again! Do you want me to change him for you, love? Aw, would you? Thanks, Janette.
I need some wipes, love.
Oh, sorry, I'm always forgetting those.
The other day all I had to clean him with was a bottle of lemonade and a loaf of bread! Shall we change little Lukey's stinky pants? Shall we? Yes, we shall! I can't believe you're a mum.
I know.
It's mad, innit? How are you coping? Oh, Karl, not you as well.
Everyone's talking like I'm coming back from a head injury.
Please, no baby chat.
Thank God.
I know literally nothing about babies.
Yeah, me neither.
Come on, what have I missed? Give me all the goss.
Have you got a girlfriend yet? Well no.
How are things with Adrian? Ah, I finished it, it wasn't working out.
Oh, no.
Oh, it's fine, he's still going to see Luke.
Nice bloke, just crap.
I mean, should've known really.
Who's called Adrian? Here you are, it's all official.
See you Monday.
Monday? You never told me.
I haven't had the chance.
He's relentless.
If he's not producing liquid from one end it's the other.
Coming back to work'll be like having an holiday.
Well, I'm delighted you're coming back, Danielle, I really am.
Temps are so expensive.
There, I've done it, it's all correct, I've double checked it, every last box.
Now will you please, please, help me with my claim? Certainly.
Thank you.
But not now.
What? Job centre closes in ten minutes.
But You'll have to come back tomorrow.
But I've been here all day.
You'll have to come back tomorrow.
Please.
I've been made redundant, I've got a wife and kids I just want a job.
You've got a family? Yes! Well that's the wrong form then.
You want a JSA2.
Fill out sections seven to 104.
Doing anything nice tonight, Angela? Line dancing.
Ooh, lovely! Ooh, you off, Angela? It's not quite five yet.
No, but it's nearly five.
Right.
OK.
Honestly So goodbye then.
Do you fancy a drink? Yeah.
Guess we could.
Good night.
Bye.
Alright so we got The King's Arms, The Swan, The Crown although that's a flat roof.
I'll see what Craig says.
Hi.
Craig Craig, this is Karl.
Nice to meet you, mate.
Yeah.
Ready? Sorry? Dinner! I promised to take you out tonight.
And I never let people down.
Well, not anymore.
Yeah.
Great! You know, it's just friends having a chat, listening, issues.
We've all got issues, haven't we? Too right! You seen his biscuit drawer?! There you are.
You tell me about your biscuits and I'll tell you about my night terrors.
Bye.
Thanks for today.
Bye.
Now the last time I went to a restaurant I drank lots of gin and tried to ride a fox.
Come on, Karl.
Thought you'd been sacked? I knew I had 'em somewhere.
They were in my bum bag.
Shall I open up? Yes, please.
Hold on.
It's not nine yet.
I make it nine.
No.
Well it's nearly nine.
Yeah, well nearly nine's not nine, is it? No, but it's nearly nine.
Still not nine.
Tell you what, let's open at nearly nine.
I don't get paid from nearly nine.
Fine, fine, it's fine.
Just tell me when it's nine.
You know what, Angela.
I was really hoping we could just put this behind - It's nine.
Morning! In you come.
Just dragging myself out of bed every morning's an effort.
I feel like a failure.
I mean, I've got a degree.
Art.
Where's that got me? I'll be honest with you I don't know how much more I can take.
Look, I really feel for you, mate, but can I just sign on? Sorry.
So what have you done in the last two weeks to find work? Karl, my love? Can I just have a quick word? Today's motto.
'Turn the unemployed into the funemployed.
' Right, this'll only take a mo.
Are they closing us down? No, no! Well, God, I hope not! Why, have you heard something I haven't? No, no.
They'd tell me first, wouldn't they? No, I just want to grab a quick chat with Angela's immediate colleagues in frontline claims, because she's back.
Which is great! Welcome back, Angela.
So, it's business as usual.
Everything's been resolved, Angela and I will be moving forward on an 'equal footing' and I'm happy about that.
We both see this as a really positive step, don't we, Angela? Can we go? Yes, go.
Go get 'em.
Go get 'em a job.
Ooh, sorry, just one more thing.
There's another World of Work seminar this afternoon.
Help us reach our targets.
Any volunteers to run it? Anyone want to help me? No, OK, not to worry! I'll do it.
It's fine.
Great.
Come on, Trish.
Come on, Trish.
So, what happened right, was I was gonna write the letter for the job but I had to find John first.
John? John from Adult Learning? You know, the one with the hair.
No, not the hair, the car.
But I couldn't find John.
I even went to where he buys food.
You know, the supermarket.
But he wasn't there.
But I didn't think he would be because it was the night.
And then I thought if he's not in Boots he's not anywhere.
But he wasn't in Boots.
Graham, why did you need to find John to write a letter? Well because John's got me pen.
Sorry about that.
I had to give it the once over.
The cleaners are bloody useless.
Can I help you, love? Yeah, I'm looking for New Claims? Straight through on your left, just follow your nose.
Thank you.
There you go, fella.
No job too big or small.
He's ever so good, did a cracking job on my downstairs.
Excuse me? I'd like to see someone about making a claim.
Have you got an appointment? No, I didn't know - You have to make an appointment if you want to speak to me.
Can I make an appointment? Yes, you can, yeah.
Great, thanks.
Er what time - You can't book in person, you have to call this number.
But I'm I'm right here.
If you're going to get aggressive I will have to call security.
I'm not getting - Security! OK, OK! Hello, Brownall Job Centre, how can I help you? Erm well I'd like to make an appointment with you.
Can you hold the line, please? There's no mobile phones in the job centre.
The interview was going all right, but then, the woman who was asking all the questions, she wasn't a woman anymore.
She was Phillip Schofield.
And we weren't in an office, we were in a squat in Nuneaton where I used to live.
My thinking is now that it was probably a dream.
So, my answer to your question would be no, I haven't had any job interviews.
Unless you count dreams.
Do you count dreams? We don't, no.
So that's 40 square metres of the luxury floral twist Paul.
No, sorry No I don't know a Moustapha.
Wrong number.
All right, mate.
Cheerio.
If you could clear the landing of furniture that'd be lovely.
Cheers, mate, bye.
Why aren't you on the door? Sorry, Trish, some idiot keeps phoning for a kebab house.
These phones don't take incoming calls.
Try telling him that! Paul, are you running a carpet fitting company from the job centre? A carpet fitting company? From the job centre? This job centre? No, bab.
Only I found these in the photocopier.
Now I admire your work ethic, Paul, but it's got no place in this job centre.
I think the toner's going.
Just do your job.
Which one? No.
Not today.
Now you are not going to bring me down because I am strong, I am positive and I am in control.
Right? Anyone need help? No? 'Welcome to The Department for Work and Pensions translation service.
If you require an immediate telephone translation press one now.
If you require' How are you, Karl? 'Now please listen carefully to' OK.
Great.
'Press one' How are you? Great! Considering.
Honestly.
Talk me through your targets, we really need to get those numbers up.
How many people are you going to get back into work today? Two? Three? Let's say seven, nice even number.
Sound OK? Well Brilliant.
Thank you, Karl.
You're my little ray of sunshine.
You're my favourite.
OK, so just to recap, you're going to get nine people back into work, be my little ray of sunshine, and file these for me.
There is a temp due but she's late.
Thank you so much.
'Press 10 for Sierra Leone, 11 for Somalia, 12 for Sudan You have pressed two, Angola.
I'm sorry, I didn't I'm sorry Press star to return to the main menu' Want one? Here y'are, fella.
Aqua Miami, very jazzy.
No, I've told you, I'm fine.
Thank you.
Peach Renaissance? He said I was aggressive but I wasn't cos it didn't even hit him.
What didn't? His holepunch.
He said I was wasting his time.
To be fair, Bryony, you were wasting his time.
I wanted that job.
But you can't speak Portuguese.
Yeah, but I go to Nando's.
You can't sign on if you don't start applying for realistic jobs.
I am.
MI5? It's my dream.
We've all got dreams, Bryony, but sometimes you've got to take whatever's going.
I don't want to be here but you put up with something you hate, hoping that things will get a little bit better.
Is that supposed to inspire me? Cos to be honest that makes me want a job even less.
Thanks.
You can't stop my money, I've got mouths to feed.
You haven't got any kids.
All right, I've got a mouth to feed.
Go and find a job you can do.
You go and find a job I can do.
OK.
Ah, there is a vacancy here at Upper Crust.
I'm wheat intolerant.
Argos? I've got a thing about little pens.
Bryony, I am trying to help.
They will stop your money.
You can't stop my money.
I can.
This is abuse! Right.
That's it, I've had enough.
What would your mum say if she saw you playing up? Oh, don't you start.
Don't you cheek me, madam.
I cleaned you up when you pooed yourself at Walsall Leather Museum.
Remember? Go on, shift! See you later, everyone.
I've had enough.
You can stick this job where the squirrel keeps his conkers.
What's going on? You got another job? No.
Well where are you going then? I'll find something.
Use your loaf, Karl! There's a bloke over there who drove here.
Drove.
In a Volvo.
I don't care, mate.
I'm not doing this anymore.
If you ever see me in here again it will be 20 million years too soon.
Up yours.
Ow! Watch it.
You got me right in the boob! Sorry, sorry.
You all right? Yeah, I've got another one.
Signing on? No, I'm temping.
I'm so late though, left my bag on the bus.
Ended up in Cannock! So you're the temp? Yeah.
Do you work here? This is the Welcome Desk where we welcome people.
Right.
That's Janette, one of our security guards.
Hello, my love.
And this is Darren.
What does he do? Nothing, that's why he's here! Sorry, I'm joking.
Darren's a trained chef.
You all right there, Darren? Any tasty kitchen jobs come up? Thought you'd left? Brilliant.
We're always having a laugh like that here.
I thought you'd left? You see? Ah, you jokers.
Angela.
This is Chloe.
Hi.
Brownall Job Centre, how can I help you? Yeah, don't worry about her.
She's always like that.
Trish actually sacked her but she won a tribunal and she had to give her her job back.
Awkward.
Yeah, just a bit.
And this is my desk.
Where I do my business.
Not toilet business obviously, they're out the back.
Oh, good to know.
Would you like a biscuit? Bloody hell, Karl! Have you got diabetes?! No.
I just like biscuits.
Yeah, so did my nan until she lost a leg.
Ah, you must be the temp.
Trish, C-SOM.
Customer Service Operation Manager.
Sorry I'm late.
It's fine, it's fine, it's fine.
We'll set you up here on the spare desk.
I see you've met Karl.
Yeah.
Yeah, he's been showing me around.
He's an absolute star.
Honestly I'd go mad without him here, I would.
Completely bonkers, I'd - I'd - I'd probably self harm.
So do you want to just pop your computer on and Karl will take you under his wing.
Is that all right? Yeah, that's great.
I mean, I don't mind.
See? Just amazing.
Oh go on, after you.
Paul phoned through, apparently there's a customer here to see you with some access requirements, OK? I can't apply for any jobs now.
Why? I just caught MS.
Sunil Mitesh, 2:45.
What? I made an appointment for - What's your name? I just spoke to you on the phone.
Name? Sunil Mitesh.
What time? 2:45.
I need to take you through some security questions.
Confirm your name, please? Sunil Mitesh.
And the time of your appointment? 2:45.
Right.
How can I help? I need to make a claim.
I can't find your form on the system.
What? They should have gone through a form with you on the phone.
I went through the form with you on the phone.
Mmm.
That's gone.
You're gonna have to do a clerical form.
You need the A110.
Fill in sections 1-23 and 35-50 inclusive.
So you're just going to have to sign me on because obviously I can't work.
Mmm, no, I don't.
Because obviously we all know you can't just catch MS.
You calling me a liar? Yes.
You won't be saying that when my legs fall off.
Balls.
Permanent I was up for the cinema but he wanted to go swimming.
Swimming? On a first date? How did it go? We just stayed in the cafe and had crisps.
Then he told me his dog's got cancer and started crying.
It was all right.
Oh, balls.
Oh, balls! Oh, hello.
Got here early.
I'm going to take the class for you.
Really? Yep.
Oh, you are a Godsend.
No.
Yes! Yes, you are.
You've always been my rock, even when Chris left me.
Oh, well, yeah I'm going to buy you dinner tonight.
No need.
No, no, I insist, my treat.
It'll be great to have someone to talk to.
Chase the demons away.
Honestly, Trish - I won't take no for an answer! You deserve it.
I'd love to honestly but - Please.
OK.
It's a date.
It's not a date.
Excellent, I'll just go and round everyone up.
Balls.
Janette, have you got anything that will get permanent marker off a whiteboard? No, love.
I used the last of the bleach on Angela's mouse mat.
Disgusting.
I've got some paint in me boot, six quid the lot.
Would that look alright? God no, it's brown.
D'you want it? Of course he doesn't.
Come on, bab.
You haven't got any nail varnish remover, have you, Chlo? No, not on me.
Why? Brain of Britain here's put magic marker on the whiteboard.
I've got some.
What were you thinking? I was upset.
Not as upset as Trish'd be if she saw that! I thought you liked working here? Yeah, yeah, I do.
Then why did you draw a big bum, eh? I don't know.
Poor woman.
Just got herself back together and you go and draw a big bum.
Will you have a look for it? I can't find it.
My hands don't work.
OK, Karl Hang on a minute, love.
Just making a few last minute preparations.
Hurry up, get rid of it! Sorry, chick, he's just sorting the chairs out.
OK.
Ladies and gentlemen Have you signed me on? Yes, you're good for a fortnight.
I see your MS has cleared up! Karl wants to make sure everything's just right before you go in.
Aww.
Every day he inspires me.
I love your dedication, Karl.
Thanks! It's very good.
Very detailed.
Oh, thanks.
Yeah, I've got an art degree.
Is it a self portrait? OK, Karl? Nearly ready! You know this is three quid a bottle? Can I owe it to you? Will there be crisps and tea? No.
No food, love.
We normally have crisps and tea after so we don't feel sick.
Nearly ready! We're not giving blood, Graham.
Oh.
Tell me why you'd like to work in my cake shop.
Well, it's interesting you should say that - Do you like cake? Well, yeah.
Then, congratulations.
I'd love to offer you the job.
Right, let's er, let's leave it there.
That was brilliant! So beautiful.
Let's do another one.
Great.
Erm, does anyone else want to do the questions? Yes, good idea.
Ooh, Angela, would you like to give it a go? No.
Oh, go on.
Come on, Angela, give it a go.
I'll call the union rep.
OK.
Erm anyone else? Someone? Willing to give it a go? Someone with the gift of the gab? So, to recap your order, that's 70 square metres of coarse weave carpet tiles in the showroom beige.
Fine.
And with your discount that comes to Trish? You don't need me to work it out.
It's important the role play's accurate.
Fine.
Fine.
It's fine.
So that's £143.
75 plus VAT.
Sod the VAT.
Deal.
And how would you wrap this up? Well, Karl, at this point - hypothetically, I'd say to the customer see you in the car park in ten minutes.
I would also point out that I do only accept cash.
Or Tesco Club Card vouchers.
OK.
Great, very realistic.
Right, er That's it, we're done.
Thank you, everyone.
Sorry, erm Karl.
About that cake shop, mate.
When do I start? Aw, Danielle, he's gorgeous! Look at his lovely chubby cheeks! How was the birth? Rank! No-one ever tells you about all the stuff that comes out with him.
Looked like someone'd dropped a trifle! It was beautiful as well, obviously.
Alright, Dan? You look great.
I know, they're brilliant, aren't they? I've gone up three cup sizes.
It's like a free boob job! I meant you look well.
Oh, right.
Ta.
And this must be Luke.
Hello, Luke.
Ooh.
Is that you or him? Oh, not again! Do you want me to change him for you, love? Aw, would you? Thanks, Janette.
I need some wipes, love.
Oh, sorry, I'm always forgetting those.
The other day all I had to clean him with was a bottle of lemonade and a loaf of bread! Shall we change little Lukey's stinky pants? Shall we? Yes, we shall! I can't believe you're a mum.
I know.
It's mad, innit? How are you coping? Oh, Karl, not you as well.
Everyone's talking like I'm coming back from a head injury.
Please, no baby chat.
Thank God.
I know literally nothing about babies.
Yeah, me neither.
Come on, what have I missed? Give me all the goss.
Have you got a girlfriend yet? Well no.
How are things with Adrian? Ah, I finished it, it wasn't working out.
Oh, no.
Oh, it's fine, he's still going to see Luke.
Nice bloke, just crap.
I mean, should've known really.
Who's called Adrian? Here you are, it's all official.
See you Monday.
Monday? You never told me.
I haven't had the chance.
He's relentless.
If he's not producing liquid from one end it's the other.
Coming back to work'll be like having an holiday.
Well, I'm delighted you're coming back, Danielle, I really am.
Temps are so expensive.
There, I've done it, it's all correct, I've double checked it, every last box.
Now will you please, please, help me with my claim? Certainly.
Thank you.
But not now.
What? Job centre closes in ten minutes.
But You'll have to come back tomorrow.
But I've been here all day.
You'll have to come back tomorrow.
Please.
I've been made redundant, I've got a wife and kids I just want a job.
You've got a family? Yes! Well that's the wrong form then.
You want a JSA2.
Fill out sections seven to 104.
Doing anything nice tonight, Angela? Line dancing.
Ooh, lovely! Ooh, you off, Angela? It's not quite five yet.
No, but it's nearly five.
Right.
OK.
Honestly So goodbye then.
Do you fancy a drink? Yeah.
Guess we could.
Good night.
Bye.
Alright so we got The King's Arms, The Swan, The Crown although that's a flat roof.
I'll see what Craig says.
Hi.
Craig Craig, this is Karl.
Nice to meet you, mate.
Yeah.
Ready? Sorry? Dinner! I promised to take you out tonight.
And I never let people down.
Well, not anymore.
Yeah.
Great! You know, it's just friends having a chat, listening, issues.
We've all got issues, haven't we? Too right! You seen his biscuit drawer?! There you are.
You tell me about your biscuits and I'll tell you about my night terrors.
Bye.
Thanks for today.
Bye.
Now the last time I went to a restaurant I drank lots of gin and tried to ride a fox.
Come on, Karl.