The John Bishop Show (2015) s01e01 Episode Script
Episode 1
1 MUSIC: In the Hall of the Mountain King by Edvard Greig APPLAUSE CHEERING APPLAUSE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the show! Oh! How good is that! I've started the show with a kid on my head.
Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Adam and all of the acrobats! APPLAUSE What a brilliant start to the show! How good is that? Welcome to the show.
Welcome to the show.
This is, I have to be honest with you, one of the most exciting nights of my life.
It's actually the most exciting night.
APPLAUSE It's actually THE most exciting night but if I go home and say that to Melanie, there'll be murder.
I've got three kids.
She'll go, "Well, it's got to be at least the FIFTH most exciting night, "but one's our wedding night, "when you fell asleep.
That doesn't count.
" Normally, within the BBC, when we do anything like that, we have to say to people, "Please don't try this at home.
" Whereas I'm going to say, "Please, try this at home.
" Everybody's sat on the couch now, looking along at their own fat kids thinking, "Not a frigging chance.
" I couldn't do it.
I couldn't do it because my kids are too big now.
I used to say I've got three teenage sons.
That used to be something that I always said.
This year, my life's changed because I can't say that any more.
This year, my oldest son turned 20.
CROWD OOHS I know! 20! So, now, I've got two teenage sons and a bloke.
I actually own a man, which is It's mental, because he is a man.
I mean, he's a proper man.
He's got a beard and everything.
He still has a home, this man with a beard, who doesn't look enough like me for me to feel comfortable.
And he does man stuff and gets away with it like I can't.
I walk into the kitchen and he's just sat there eating everything out the fridge just looking at me going, "Ha-ha-ha! "Oi, oi, oi, hey! Your missus made this, "and you know, when I finish eating it, you know what she's going to do? "Pick up my plate and wash it! "You know why? Because you're a dickhead!" To have a big bloke in your house, it just changes everything, because it's wrong.
Anyone who's had this situation knows it's wrong.
You shouldn't have another adult living in your house.
There's nothing that affects your self-esteem more than trying to tell somebody off who's bigger than you.
You're stood there going, "Hey, you! No, you listen to me.
"No, no, you No, you listen to I haven't finished.
"You listen to me.
"Now, do as your mother said.
"Get up them stairs and sort that room out now! "Please.
" It's a nightmare! I think You know what I think should happen? There should be a height barrier.
You know like when you go to Disneyland and there's a height bar and if the kids aren't big enough, they can't get on the ride.
I think when you and your missus have kids, you should measure each other and then you should have a height bar in your house.
And as soon as your kids are bigger than you, they can piss off.
It's even worse! My youngest son is now 17, so I've got one who's 20, one who's 19, one who's 17.
They're all men.
When they're all in our house having tea, I've never had that many men in our house since we had the loft done.
And you find yourself in this situation like, I'm like a lot of men now, my age, middle-aged, trying to stay fit and one of my mates said to me, "What is it with you? "You're going to the gym three or four times a week.
"What's this obsession with staying fit?" And I said to him, I said, "I've got to be fit.
"Have you seen my sons? "One day I'm going to have to fight them for food.
" Let me explain what this show's about.
It is a variety show, it is a music show, it is a comedy show.
It's also the dream show for me.
Ladies and gentlemen, I can't tell you how much pleasure it brings me to bring on the first act.
My brother brought home a record made by this man when I was a teenager.
He's the only person who was ever on the wall in my bedroom who wasn't a topless woman or a Liverpool player.
Please welcome, with his new single Saturns Pattern, it's only Paul Weller! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE BAND PLAYS # Got up in a mind to get up # Fixed on the day # Shook and it feels I have washed them away # What better way to start hearing their voice? # Get up in a mind to get up # Daddy, there's more # You've got to clear the decks of Saturn's peak # The pattern stands The words agree # Changing all the pattern's zone Cut them back The pattern's blown Whoa! # .
.
Oh, we are Get up in a mind to get up # Daddy, there's more # Get up in a mind to get up # Time is all yours # What better way to start hearing their call? # Get up, oh, in a mind to get up # About to restart # You've got to clear the decks of Saturn's peak # The pattern stands The words agree # Changing all the pattern's zone # Cut them back The pattern's blown # Change has got to come ALL: # Change has got to come # Change has got to come # Change has got to come # Doo-doo-doo-doo doo-doo # Doo-doo-doo-doo # Doo-doo-doo-doo doo-doo # Doo-doo-doo-doo # Doo-doo-doo-doo doo-doo # Doo-doo-doo-doo # Get up in the mind to get up # Change is up to Saturn's peak # Get up in the mind to get up # Make it right The world's obscene # Get up in the mind to get up # Cut it right on Saturn's tongue # Get up in the mind to get up Make it right The pattern's good.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you! Ladies and gentlemen, Paul Weller! How brilliant was that? And I cannot I cannot tell you how much that's like an ambition fulfilled for me.
When Paul arrived before, I got a photograph with him and I sent it to my wife and I didn't put any message on it apart from the word "Boom!" And her reply to me was, "You haven't made a dick of yourself, have you?" Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to introduce the next act.
A fine Australian, a fine comedian, the brilliant Felicity Ward.
Hello! Hello! Hello! How are you? Are you good? AUDIENCE: Yes! Wonderful.
My name is Felicity.
I'm Australian.
I'm sorry.
It's just nice to get an apology out of the way.
I'm a typical Australian in that I love the cricket, I'm mental about the cricket and, in Australia, that's probably our second favourite national pastime, but our favourite national pastime happens at every single cricket match.
I'm sure you can guess what that is.
Call it out if you know the answer.
Racism.
Very good.
A lot of racist people in Australia.
The thing that really seems to bring out the racists in Australia is just Just people from other countries.
Phwoar! We don't like them at all and, if you are lucky enough to confront an Australian racist, they have a stock standard response which is, "We're not racist "and if you don't like it, "well, you can just go back to where you came from!" CHEERING AND APPLAUSE That's not the bit you clap.
Wow.
Are you Australian or just racist? Which one? Very hard to tell the difference.
Oh, it's been an interesting 18 months living overseas as the proud New Zealander that I am.
No-one can tell the difference.
It works out real well for us guys.
Real well.
If there's any New Zealanders in, keep up the good work.
So, I am in a relationship with a real man this time, which is lovely.
A refreshing change.
And there was a moment that I knew that we were right for each other and it was the first time that I let him get to second base.
And, when you're over 30, that means you're doing your first online food shop together.
It's pretty hot.
We're pretty serious.
So, I was about to pay and he put his hand on my hand and, then, he opened a new tab in the browser.
And, then, he googled the words, "Online Sainsbury's Discount Code.
" Oh! And, then, he looked me in the eye and said, "Never pay full price.
" I thought, "I'm going to marry this prick, yes, please.
"Sexy and frugal, yes, please.
" He uses fabric softener.
I don't even know what that is.
Lucky.
There's lots of things you can do if you're in a relationship.
You can tell the truth, that's an option.
You can lie, that's what some people do, or you can do what I do - you can mix shit up a bit.
You can get creative.
So you can do this, next time you go to the shops and you forget to buy something, when you get back, if they ask you, "Did you remember to buy milk?" Do this.
Just pat yourself down and go, "No.
"I only remembered to bring sexy back," and then, just body roll all the way around the room.
It only works once, by the way.
It only works once.
If you try it a second time and go, "No, I only" "Sexy back?" "Yeah, I'll go get the milk.
All right.
" And only do it if you can body roll.
I don't know if anyone here has tried to be sexy when they're incapable of it and just made the whole situation infinitely worse.
If you try a bit of, "No, I only brought sexy back.
" "What am I looking at? Should I call someone?" "I was bringing sexy back!" "You should get a refund.
That's horrible.
" I'm lucky that I'm in a relationship because I'm not very good at telling whether people are flirting with me or not, and this thing happened on Twitter and, so, I want you to see if you think this guy was flirting with me on it.
OK.
All right.
So there's a group called Christian for Christians and Well, that's not actually their name but I don't want to get sued, so there's a group called Christian for Christians and my friend is attacking the Christian for Christians on Twitter with horrible things like logic and reason and LAUGHTER I'm joking.
I'm joking.
I know a lot of very good Christians, I'm spiritual myself, I've seen Sister Act 2, so Back In The Habit.
So my friend is attacking the Christian for Christians and I did the thing that Twitter was invented for - got involved in business that wasn't mine.
And I was actually defending them and went, "Hey, they could just be teenagers that are really into G-O-D.
"Maybe dial it back a bit, maybe don't go so hard.
" And he replied to me and said, "No, they're a fundamentalist Christian group.
"They're dangerous, and they spread bile.
" And I thought, "OK, well, I'll stay out of it.
" But it's Twitter - that's not how it works.
So then the head of the Christian For Christians got in contact with me, and this is where I don't know if he was flirting with me or not.
OK, so, his name was Reverend Norman Price, straight to the top, and the tweet said, "Another femi-Nazi lib-tard slut.
" Not finished.
"Hey, Felicity, what's your personal abortion counter up to?" AUDIENCE GASPS "From a reverend.
" Is that flirting? I can never tell! It feels like mixed messages.
So I just sent him a cheeky tweet back and I said, "You keep talking like that and I might be up for another one! Wink!" Haven't heard back from him since.
Thank you very much, I've been Felicity Ward.
Have a wonderful night, thank you! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, Felicity Ward! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Has anyone been to Australia? CROWD CHEERS I think it's a mental place.
I went and I did a thing for the BBC, a travelogue, I don't know if you saw it, I was travelling round on a bicycle.
Did anyone see it? You would have seen this scene.
What happened is we went to a koala hospital to see some sick koalas, aw, and I said to the woman who's running the hospital, "Why are they sick? "They all look sad and cuddly.
" She said, "They've all got chlamydia, mate.
" Chlamydia, the koalas are riddled with chlamydia.
And I said, "Oh" She said, "So I'm going to treat this koala with chlamydia.
" And she said, "He's a boy koala" POOR AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: ".
.
so I'm going to get his tackle out.
" Yeah, all right, she had a speech impediment.
And she literally, she just went And his bits fell out.
She went Got 'em out, the koala penis.
I said, "Do that again.
" She went, "All right.
" I went, "That is unbelievable! "That is unbelievable," I said.
I was amazed, I said to the woman, "W-w-where's it going?" She said, "Oh, it's a koala.
"Koalas have a pouch to stick the penis in to hide it.
" I said, "Why?" She said, "Because they hug trees.
" And I went, "God, that is unbelievably educational.
" That shows you what evolution is all about, cos all my life I've loved koalas.
I've never once looked at a koala hugging a tree and thought, "Oh, I hope he doesn't get a splinter in his cock.
" CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Listen, ladies and gentlemen, this next act hasn't come all the way from Australia, he's come from somewhere even more exotic - Kettering.
I did a charity gig last year, this lad was on the same bill.
When I saw him then, I knew he was going to be a big star.
He keeps on getting better and better, please welcome to the stage the fabulous James Acaster! MUSIC, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you.
Good to see you all, er, my name's James.
I'm in a good mood.
Good mood.
Finally figured out what I want to do in my life, want to be an ice-cream man.
Big time.
Going to make so much money doing it as well, tell you how, I'm going to be the first ice-cream man who offers free refills.
Get the cone, fill it up with ice cream, give it to ya, bring the cone back "Get a free refill, mate.
" A lot of people have said to me, "That's an awful business plan, "you're going to lose a lot of money doing that.
" That's cos they're thinking of free refills in terms of places like Nando's, which is a fixed location, right? I'm in a van.
You've got to catch me first.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Give 'em the cone, I speed off, zigzagging in and out of traffic.
They've got to search the whole country looking for me.
All the time resisting the temptation to eat their own cone.
I like to find loopholes.
Who doesn't? Big into loopholes.
Everyone's favourite loophole? Infinite wishes.
Yeah.
You like infinite wishes, don't you? Walking down a beach, find a lamp, rub it, genie comes out of it, grants you three wishes, what's your first wish? Infinite wishes, clever.
That is a clever loophole for a situation none of us are ever going to end up in ever.
Some people don't like infinite wishes.
Say "infinite wishes" to 'em, they're like, "No, not allowed! "Can't have infinite wishes, it's against the rules.
" I'm always like, "You know what? "Fair enough.
" "Good.
What's your first wish?" "Infinite genies.
" Infinite genies - best wish.
Not only do I get infinite wishes, also takes care of my second wish, more friends.
Had a quarrel recently.
A quarrel with my housemate.
He bought some new oven gloves, I wasn't into 'em.
Didn't even need them.
He pretty much lives off crisp sandwiches, if I'm honest.
I'm not knocking him for that.
I like making a crisp sandwich as much as the next guy.
I like that feeling of power that I get when I push the top slice down.
Feel the crisps just crush underneath my hand.
I'm like, "Whoa, I'm stronger than I thought I was.
"I showed those crisps what's what.
" He gets a real loud crunch out of them as well.
He uses Real McCoy's and granary bread.
That's a loud combo.
One time he used white bread and Wotsits.
We don't talk about that.
It was pitiful.
it was pitiful.
Bread made little impact on the crisps.
Pretty much absorbed them, if anything.
In retrospect, he'd have got better results if he'd have toasted the bread first, but it's easy to be wise after the event.
These oven gloves he's got, they're like You know when you buy oven gloves you've got two options? I like to get the two individual separate oven gloves, one for each hand, independent from each other and you're free in your own kitchen to do as you please.
Or you can get the one he's got where you've still got an oven glove for each hand, but they're joined together by that filthy hammock.
Most bacteria-ridden bit of fabric in your entire house.
"What are you handling with it?" "Food.
" "Nice one, mate.
Oh, nice one.
"Number one on my list of things I'd touch with a germ blanket and eat it.
"Food.
" That's your full range with them.
You've got limited movement.
What if someone attacks you? You can't defend yourself.
It could happen.
Just cos you're getting something out the oven doesn't mean the whole world stands still.
What are you going to do, garrotte them, hope in a week's time they get a fungal infection? I said to him, "Man, do yourself a favour, take those onesie "oven gloves back to the shop, get yourself some proper oven gloves.
" He goes, "Ah, oven gloves, schmuven gloves.
" That's how he argues.
I don't know if you've ever argued with anyone who uses this technique.
It's infuriating.
Here's how it works.
Takes the main word of my argument.
Says it twice.
Second time round, drops the first letter and cleverly replaces it with a "schmu".
He's won every argument we've ever had with that.
The other day, I wanted to go bowling.
"Bowling, schmoling," didn't go bowling.
End of.
Sick to the back teeth.
Recently I found a way of combating this.
Here's what I do now.
Every time we have an argument, all I have to do is make sure the main word in my argument already begins with a "schmu".
He can't do anything with that.
Unworkable.
Lately, I've been doing a lot of schmoozing.
Believe you me, when I'm leaving the house and he's shouting, "Schmoozing, schmoozing," after me, it's more encouraging than dismissive.
Gives me a spring in my step.
Ladies and gentlemen, you've been a treat.
Enjoy the rest of your evening.
Bye.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, James Acaster! I love that.
I love that you can tell that the world's changed for men a little bit younger than my generation, if a man can come on here and talk about buying oven gloves.
That's mad.
I tell you, if I'd have ever spoke to my dad about buying oven gloves, he'd just look at me and go, "What do you need gloves to pick an oven up for?" Now there's very few people in the world who can achieve more than 30 million YouTube hits without involving a cat or sex or both.
This man's done it.
He is a phenomenon.
Please welcome to the stage the brilliant Beardyman! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE MUSIC: On The Wings Of Love by Jeffrey Osborne # .
.
The only way to fly Is on the wings of love I'm not sure.
Wait.
What is that? No, stop.
Stop.
Shut up! Shut up.
MUSIC FADES What is that? That's not the That's not the song I wanted to Who walks out to that? On The Wings That's It's ruined it now.
That's taken the wind out my sails.
I was going to come on and go HE BEATBOXES But, I mean, no, there's no point now.
No, leave it alone.
CHEERING No, shut up! No, leave it.
I'm not No, it's ruined.
It's bloody ruined.
I'm sorry.
No, shut up! Oh AMERICAN ACCENT: I'm sorry, I just, like I really I just wanted it to be perfect for you guys.
I just I'm sorry.
I just, I had, like, a big bucket of, like, all your thoughts, and then I would just, like, pick out the thoughts and just see whatever is in your head, and just turn that into reality.
I'm so desperate for your approval.
Beardy.
Hey, John.
I have the bucket.
Oh, thank God.
I have the bucket of your thoughts.
In this bucket are suggestions by you for song titles.
I love you, John.
WHOOPING Really? Right, I'm going to put the bucket here.
Right.
Rosamund Erwin, where are you? Hello, Rosamund.
Her song title, which I think is probably a message to her husband, is You've Never Listened To Me.
NORMAL TONE: Give us a style.
'80s.
'80s, eh? '80s.
BEAT STARTS '80S-STYLE MELODY BEGINS # Oh, why? # Why do I try all the time? # It's sublime # The love I give you with my mind # There's lots to start me # Why don't you try, baby? # Oh # I feel I just want just want to die, me # Oh # Your words go through me # Cos what you'll say You never listen to me anyway CHEERING APPLAUSE MUSIC STOPS CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Let's do another.
We'll do another.
Right, Steven Steppings.
Steven, what was yours? I Love My Remote Control.
I Love My Remote Control.
What style? AUDIENCE SHOUTS SUGGESTIONS Reggae.
Reggae? Reggae.
Reggae's a good shout.
REGGAE BEAT BEGINS JOHN SAMPLED: 'Reggae's a good shout.
' 'Reggae's a good shout.
' Ooh! 'Reggae's a good shout.
' 'Reggae's a good shout.
' # Oh # I like to watch TV at home # Yeah-eh-eh # I like to watch whatever it is # That I know # That I know I will like # So why don't you go and say # Re-repeat, repeat after me # I love my remote control it controls my TV? # I said, yes, repeat repeat after me # Said it allows me to be channel, channel free # I said I only watch what I like # And there is so much shite On TV every night But at least we've got this one.
This show's all right, innit? It's pretty good CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yeah, yeah.
It's all right.
It's not bad.
I'm serious.
Can I Can I do one? Ah, go on, then.
Go on, then.
Er Melanie, You Love The Dogs More Than Me.
One more time.
Melanie, You Love The Dogs More Than Me.
AMERICAN ACCENT: Yeah, that's good.
That was anger.
We're going to harvest that.
JOHN SAMPLED: 'Melanie, you love the dogs more than me.
' Give us a genre, though.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Jungle.
Jungle, all right.
Jungle.
Jungle.
JUNGLE BEAT BEGINS HE BEATBOXES # They say me high cos me do what me like # But me come to say o-o-o-one thing on the mic # And it goes like this every time it goes down # In a Hackney, Hackney dance where we are now # Say I've got to spin an go back the mic, ya # Got to keep this tight, ya # And say you're coming in every, every night, yeah # Really, really late and that's something that I hate # So I love the dogs much more than you # And, yes, you see, John Bishop and you know it's true # I've got to come to say this thing out to you, say I got to, got to, got to do the, do the do DOGS BARKING 'Melanie, you love the dogs more than me.
' Boom! CHEERING Hey! Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Beardyman! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Smashed it, mate.
Smashed it.
How brilliant was that? I have to say it gives me enormous pleasure to introduce the next act.
A few years ago, I was at the Edinburgh Festival, there was talk of a young South African lad who had come over who was making a name for himself.
I bought a ticket to go and watch his show.
I have to say it's one of the best ã12 I've ever spent watching comedy.
He's gone from strength to strength, we are so lucky to have him here.
Please welcome to the stage the fabulous Trevor Noah.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE MUSIC: The Lion Sleeps Tonight by The Tokens My name is Trevor Noah and I'm from South Africa.
This is not my first time in the UK, but every time I come here, I get increasingly more and more nervous.
Every time I come in, I feel like it gets increasingly harder to come into the country.
Your border is very, very strict.
They ask a lot of questions.
Questions I often know the answers to, but I find they'll make you doubt.
I remember I got here two days ago and the guy was really interesting on this occasion.
He got my passport, to which he replies, "Is this you?" Never before have I felt so much pressure to look like myself.
He asked question after question.
"So how long are you going to be out here for?" I said, "Four days.
" "Four days? Is that right?" "Yeah?" "What are you doing?" "I'm doing a comedy show.
" "Oh, comedy? "Are you a comedian?" "Yes.
" "Oh You don't look funny.
"Do you have any jokes?" "I checked them in with my luggage.
" APPLAUSE "Was that one of them?" "No.
I'm sorry.
" "Right, I need to know the address of where you're performing, sir.
" "I don't know the address.
" "Well, then I can't let you in.
" "You've got to believe me, I wouldn't lie about that.
"I'm here to do a show and then I'm leaving.
" "Well, I don't know that you're going to leave.
" They always ask these questions making it seem like absolutely everybody wants to come and stay in the UK.
I almost wanted to say to him, "It's not as great as you think.
" It really isn't.
No, don't get me wrong, I understand right now it's easy to be arrogant because you're having your five days of summer, but it's not as great as you think.
CHEERING He was asking question after question.
Then he said something that was very true, very sincere.
He said, "Sir, you've got to understand, "I'm not trying to be a hard arse about this, "but I can't just believe you're here "to do what you say you're going to do, you could do something else.
" I was like, "You know what? Fair enough.
Fair enough.
"That's a great attitude to have.
"It's an attitude I wish we had in South Africa "when the British first arrived.
"It would've saved us a lot of pain.
" Cos we had no clue! That was the greatest trick the British ever pulled.
They pitched up on the shores of Africa.
HE IMITATES FANFARE "We have discovered this land!" People came out like "Eh! Eh!" "Oh, look at that.
"We have discovered people!" "No, we were here first.
What are you doing here?" "Uh, we're here for a comedy show.
" "Ah, come on in.
" Bang-bang, bang-bang.
"Ah, that wasn't funny.
" They took over.
I always think about those things, the guys pitching up in the country, no-one speaks the language.
That must be the more awkward thing, the guys pitching up in this ship, shouting at the guys, "You over there, what is the name of this land?" HE SPEAKS AFRICAN LANGUAGE "No, no.
I said, 'Who are you?'" HE SPEAKS AFRICAN LANGUAGE "Oh, this is horrible.
We have to teach them English.
A, B, C!" HE SPEAKS AFRICAN LANGUAGE "A, B, C!" HE SPEAKS AFRICAN LANGUAGE HE IMITATES GUN FIRING "A, B, C" "That's a lot better.
" Right It's a fun game, colonisation.
It really was.
It's the most arrogant form of patriotism, when you think about it, you know.
It must have been cool.
Like, I wonder what Britain was like back then, when it was so great that you guys wanted to go make it somewhere else.
This is like, "Oh, this is wonderful.
We should do it everywhere.
" That's what it was.
Colonisation all over the world.
What's weird to me, though, is how people act like colonisation never happened.
I don't like that.
It's weird when people say, "All these bloody foreigners "coming into the UK, all these bloody foreigners.
" Well, it's because you told them about the UK.
You've got to understand, in the world APPLAUSE .
.
we did not care for this place at all.
No-one knew about Great Britain.
In India, they were having a good time.
The British went and told the Indians about Great Britain.
They were having fun with elephants and spices, they had no need to come to this country, but the British got there and they were like HE IMITATES FANFARE "Hear ye, hear ye of Great Britain!" INDIAN ACCENT: "OK, first of all, you could've started with 'hello.
' "That was a brash entrance, I don't think it was necessary.
" "Have you heard of Great Britain?!" "No, we have not, and you don't need to shout, I am right over here.
"I don't know why you're talking like that.
" "You need to learn of Great Britain and come and see it.
" "No, no, we're fine.
India's a perfectly wonderful place.
"I don't know how great your land is - "considering your complexion, it doesn't look like you have much sun.
"I don't know if I want to go to a place like that.
" "How dare you insult the land of the Queen! "Do you know the one true god?" "No, we have many gods here.
Many, many gods.
Many gods.
" "You need one god, our god.
" "Well, our gods are already in the positions, so "If anything opens up, we'll let you know.
" "Do you not know that Jesus loves you?" "I do not know of Jesus, but if you introduce me, "maybe I could learn to love him too.
"But right now I'm currently in a relationship.
" "How dare you! Jesus loves you!" "Aaah! OK, OK, OK, I get it, I get it.
"I can feel the love of Jesus now.
"Please, no more, Jesus.
It hurts.
It hurts so much.
" It must have been a crazy experience, but it's colonisation done right, that's what I truly enjoy - the British did it perfectly.
Yeah.
Cos now we're friends, we all speak the same languages, we even have a games where we participate together - the "Commonwealth" Games.
Ironically named.
There was nothing common about it.
The wealth was in one place.
"Right, let's forget everything that happened "and let's play some games together.
"Do you guys have horses where you're from?" "No, we don't.
" "Yeah, we're going to dance horses.
Let's do dancing horses.
" "Jamaica, are you going to be joining in?" "No, we're never gon' join in.
"Your people don't admit what you did to us.
"We're not gon' play your Games.
"Give us back our sugar, give us back our people, "give us back our gold.
" "Well, we can't do that, that's ridiculous, "but come and run with us.
" "Will you give us back the gold?" "No, we won't, but we'll let you win it back "one medal at a time.
" You guys have been fun.
Thanks for having me.
Goodnight.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Smashed it.
That was brilliant.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's Trevor Noah! Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome back, with a classic track, Peacock Suit, the one and only Paul Weller! CHEERING MUSIC: Peacock Suit # Got a grapefruit matter # Oh, it's as sour as shit # I've got no solution # Better get used to it # I don't need a ship to sail in stormy weather # I don't need you to ruffle the feathers # On my peacock suit # My peacock suit # I'm Narcissus in a puddle # In my mirror might look # Like a streak of sheet lightnin' # In my camelskin shoes # I don't need a ship to sail in stormy weather # I don't need you to ruffle the feathers # On my peacock suit # Did you think I should? # Of my peacock suit # Oh, you're real damn cute # A shock At the end of a line INDISTINCT LYRICS # .
.
Narcissus in a muddle # In a mirror might look # Like a streak of sheet lightnin' # In my rattleskin coat # I don't need a ship to sail in stormy weather # I don't need you to ruffle the feathers # On my peacock suit # Did you think I should? # My peacock suit # You look cute # Did you think I should? ALL: # Peacock suit # Yeah # Peacock suit # Yeah # Peacock suit # Yeah # Peacock suit Yeah, yeah.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Oh, yeah.
Brilliant, mate.
Ladies and gentlemen, Paul Weller! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE What a way to end the show! Please put your hands together for all the acts that you've seen.
Thank you for coming.
Goodnight and God bless.
Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Adam and all of the acrobats! APPLAUSE What a brilliant start to the show! How good is that? Welcome to the show.
Welcome to the show.
This is, I have to be honest with you, one of the most exciting nights of my life.
It's actually the most exciting night.
APPLAUSE It's actually THE most exciting night but if I go home and say that to Melanie, there'll be murder.
I've got three kids.
She'll go, "Well, it's got to be at least the FIFTH most exciting night, "but one's our wedding night, "when you fell asleep.
That doesn't count.
" Normally, within the BBC, when we do anything like that, we have to say to people, "Please don't try this at home.
" Whereas I'm going to say, "Please, try this at home.
" Everybody's sat on the couch now, looking along at their own fat kids thinking, "Not a frigging chance.
" I couldn't do it.
I couldn't do it because my kids are too big now.
I used to say I've got three teenage sons.
That used to be something that I always said.
This year, my life's changed because I can't say that any more.
This year, my oldest son turned 20.
CROWD OOHS I know! 20! So, now, I've got two teenage sons and a bloke.
I actually own a man, which is It's mental, because he is a man.
I mean, he's a proper man.
He's got a beard and everything.
He still has a home, this man with a beard, who doesn't look enough like me for me to feel comfortable.
And he does man stuff and gets away with it like I can't.
I walk into the kitchen and he's just sat there eating everything out the fridge just looking at me going, "Ha-ha-ha! "Oi, oi, oi, hey! Your missus made this, "and you know, when I finish eating it, you know what she's going to do? "Pick up my plate and wash it! "You know why? Because you're a dickhead!" To have a big bloke in your house, it just changes everything, because it's wrong.
Anyone who's had this situation knows it's wrong.
You shouldn't have another adult living in your house.
There's nothing that affects your self-esteem more than trying to tell somebody off who's bigger than you.
You're stood there going, "Hey, you! No, you listen to me.
"No, no, you No, you listen to I haven't finished.
"You listen to me.
"Now, do as your mother said.
"Get up them stairs and sort that room out now! "Please.
" It's a nightmare! I think You know what I think should happen? There should be a height barrier.
You know like when you go to Disneyland and there's a height bar and if the kids aren't big enough, they can't get on the ride.
I think when you and your missus have kids, you should measure each other and then you should have a height bar in your house.
And as soon as your kids are bigger than you, they can piss off.
It's even worse! My youngest son is now 17, so I've got one who's 20, one who's 19, one who's 17.
They're all men.
When they're all in our house having tea, I've never had that many men in our house since we had the loft done.
And you find yourself in this situation like, I'm like a lot of men now, my age, middle-aged, trying to stay fit and one of my mates said to me, "What is it with you? "You're going to the gym three or four times a week.
"What's this obsession with staying fit?" And I said to him, I said, "I've got to be fit.
"Have you seen my sons? "One day I'm going to have to fight them for food.
" Let me explain what this show's about.
It is a variety show, it is a music show, it is a comedy show.
It's also the dream show for me.
Ladies and gentlemen, I can't tell you how much pleasure it brings me to bring on the first act.
My brother brought home a record made by this man when I was a teenager.
He's the only person who was ever on the wall in my bedroom who wasn't a topless woman or a Liverpool player.
Please welcome, with his new single Saturns Pattern, it's only Paul Weller! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE BAND PLAYS # Got up in a mind to get up # Fixed on the day # Shook and it feels I have washed them away # What better way to start hearing their voice? # Get up in a mind to get up # Daddy, there's more # You've got to clear the decks of Saturn's peak # The pattern stands The words agree # Changing all the pattern's zone Cut them back The pattern's blown Whoa! # .
.
Oh, we are Get up in a mind to get up # Daddy, there's more # Get up in a mind to get up # Time is all yours # What better way to start hearing their call? # Get up, oh, in a mind to get up # About to restart # You've got to clear the decks of Saturn's peak # The pattern stands The words agree # Changing all the pattern's zone # Cut them back The pattern's blown # Change has got to come ALL: # Change has got to come # Change has got to come # Change has got to come # Doo-doo-doo-doo doo-doo # Doo-doo-doo-doo # Doo-doo-doo-doo doo-doo # Doo-doo-doo-doo # Doo-doo-doo-doo doo-doo # Doo-doo-doo-doo # Get up in the mind to get up # Change is up to Saturn's peak # Get up in the mind to get up # Make it right The world's obscene # Get up in the mind to get up # Cut it right on Saturn's tongue # Get up in the mind to get up Make it right The pattern's good.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you! Ladies and gentlemen, Paul Weller! How brilliant was that? And I cannot I cannot tell you how much that's like an ambition fulfilled for me.
When Paul arrived before, I got a photograph with him and I sent it to my wife and I didn't put any message on it apart from the word "Boom!" And her reply to me was, "You haven't made a dick of yourself, have you?" Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to introduce the next act.
A fine Australian, a fine comedian, the brilliant Felicity Ward.
Hello! Hello! Hello! How are you? Are you good? AUDIENCE: Yes! Wonderful.
My name is Felicity.
I'm Australian.
I'm sorry.
It's just nice to get an apology out of the way.
I'm a typical Australian in that I love the cricket, I'm mental about the cricket and, in Australia, that's probably our second favourite national pastime, but our favourite national pastime happens at every single cricket match.
I'm sure you can guess what that is.
Call it out if you know the answer.
Racism.
Very good.
A lot of racist people in Australia.
The thing that really seems to bring out the racists in Australia is just Just people from other countries.
Phwoar! We don't like them at all and, if you are lucky enough to confront an Australian racist, they have a stock standard response which is, "We're not racist "and if you don't like it, "well, you can just go back to where you came from!" CHEERING AND APPLAUSE That's not the bit you clap.
Wow.
Are you Australian or just racist? Which one? Very hard to tell the difference.
Oh, it's been an interesting 18 months living overseas as the proud New Zealander that I am.
No-one can tell the difference.
It works out real well for us guys.
Real well.
If there's any New Zealanders in, keep up the good work.
So, I am in a relationship with a real man this time, which is lovely.
A refreshing change.
And there was a moment that I knew that we were right for each other and it was the first time that I let him get to second base.
And, when you're over 30, that means you're doing your first online food shop together.
It's pretty hot.
We're pretty serious.
So, I was about to pay and he put his hand on my hand and, then, he opened a new tab in the browser.
And, then, he googled the words, "Online Sainsbury's Discount Code.
" Oh! And, then, he looked me in the eye and said, "Never pay full price.
" I thought, "I'm going to marry this prick, yes, please.
"Sexy and frugal, yes, please.
" He uses fabric softener.
I don't even know what that is.
Lucky.
There's lots of things you can do if you're in a relationship.
You can tell the truth, that's an option.
You can lie, that's what some people do, or you can do what I do - you can mix shit up a bit.
You can get creative.
So you can do this, next time you go to the shops and you forget to buy something, when you get back, if they ask you, "Did you remember to buy milk?" Do this.
Just pat yourself down and go, "No.
"I only remembered to bring sexy back," and then, just body roll all the way around the room.
It only works once, by the way.
It only works once.
If you try it a second time and go, "No, I only" "Sexy back?" "Yeah, I'll go get the milk.
All right.
" And only do it if you can body roll.
I don't know if anyone here has tried to be sexy when they're incapable of it and just made the whole situation infinitely worse.
If you try a bit of, "No, I only brought sexy back.
" "What am I looking at? Should I call someone?" "I was bringing sexy back!" "You should get a refund.
That's horrible.
" I'm lucky that I'm in a relationship because I'm not very good at telling whether people are flirting with me or not, and this thing happened on Twitter and, so, I want you to see if you think this guy was flirting with me on it.
OK.
All right.
So there's a group called Christian for Christians and Well, that's not actually their name but I don't want to get sued, so there's a group called Christian for Christians and my friend is attacking the Christian for Christians on Twitter with horrible things like logic and reason and LAUGHTER I'm joking.
I'm joking.
I know a lot of very good Christians, I'm spiritual myself, I've seen Sister Act 2, so Back In The Habit.
So my friend is attacking the Christian for Christians and I did the thing that Twitter was invented for - got involved in business that wasn't mine.
And I was actually defending them and went, "Hey, they could just be teenagers that are really into G-O-D.
"Maybe dial it back a bit, maybe don't go so hard.
" And he replied to me and said, "No, they're a fundamentalist Christian group.
"They're dangerous, and they spread bile.
" And I thought, "OK, well, I'll stay out of it.
" But it's Twitter - that's not how it works.
So then the head of the Christian For Christians got in contact with me, and this is where I don't know if he was flirting with me or not.
OK, so, his name was Reverend Norman Price, straight to the top, and the tweet said, "Another femi-Nazi lib-tard slut.
" Not finished.
"Hey, Felicity, what's your personal abortion counter up to?" AUDIENCE GASPS "From a reverend.
" Is that flirting? I can never tell! It feels like mixed messages.
So I just sent him a cheeky tweet back and I said, "You keep talking like that and I might be up for another one! Wink!" Haven't heard back from him since.
Thank you very much, I've been Felicity Ward.
Have a wonderful night, thank you! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, Felicity Ward! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Has anyone been to Australia? CROWD CHEERS I think it's a mental place.
I went and I did a thing for the BBC, a travelogue, I don't know if you saw it, I was travelling round on a bicycle.
Did anyone see it? You would have seen this scene.
What happened is we went to a koala hospital to see some sick koalas, aw, and I said to the woman who's running the hospital, "Why are they sick? "They all look sad and cuddly.
" She said, "They've all got chlamydia, mate.
" Chlamydia, the koalas are riddled with chlamydia.
And I said, "Oh" She said, "So I'm going to treat this koala with chlamydia.
" And she said, "He's a boy koala" POOR AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: ".
.
so I'm going to get his tackle out.
" Yeah, all right, she had a speech impediment.
And she literally, she just went And his bits fell out.
She went Got 'em out, the koala penis.
I said, "Do that again.
" She went, "All right.
" I went, "That is unbelievable! "That is unbelievable," I said.
I was amazed, I said to the woman, "W-w-where's it going?" She said, "Oh, it's a koala.
"Koalas have a pouch to stick the penis in to hide it.
" I said, "Why?" She said, "Because they hug trees.
" And I went, "God, that is unbelievably educational.
" That shows you what evolution is all about, cos all my life I've loved koalas.
I've never once looked at a koala hugging a tree and thought, "Oh, I hope he doesn't get a splinter in his cock.
" CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Listen, ladies and gentlemen, this next act hasn't come all the way from Australia, he's come from somewhere even more exotic - Kettering.
I did a charity gig last year, this lad was on the same bill.
When I saw him then, I knew he was going to be a big star.
He keeps on getting better and better, please welcome to the stage the fabulous James Acaster! MUSIC, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you.
Good to see you all, er, my name's James.
I'm in a good mood.
Good mood.
Finally figured out what I want to do in my life, want to be an ice-cream man.
Big time.
Going to make so much money doing it as well, tell you how, I'm going to be the first ice-cream man who offers free refills.
Get the cone, fill it up with ice cream, give it to ya, bring the cone back "Get a free refill, mate.
" A lot of people have said to me, "That's an awful business plan, "you're going to lose a lot of money doing that.
" That's cos they're thinking of free refills in terms of places like Nando's, which is a fixed location, right? I'm in a van.
You've got to catch me first.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Give 'em the cone, I speed off, zigzagging in and out of traffic.
They've got to search the whole country looking for me.
All the time resisting the temptation to eat their own cone.
I like to find loopholes.
Who doesn't? Big into loopholes.
Everyone's favourite loophole? Infinite wishes.
Yeah.
You like infinite wishes, don't you? Walking down a beach, find a lamp, rub it, genie comes out of it, grants you three wishes, what's your first wish? Infinite wishes, clever.
That is a clever loophole for a situation none of us are ever going to end up in ever.
Some people don't like infinite wishes.
Say "infinite wishes" to 'em, they're like, "No, not allowed! "Can't have infinite wishes, it's against the rules.
" I'm always like, "You know what? "Fair enough.
" "Good.
What's your first wish?" "Infinite genies.
" Infinite genies - best wish.
Not only do I get infinite wishes, also takes care of my second wish, more friends.
Had a quarrel recently.
A quarrel with my housemate.
He bought some new oven gloves, I wasn't into 'em.
Didn't even need them.
He pretty much lives off crisp sandwiches, if I'm honest.
I'm not knocking him for that.
I like making a crisp sandwich as much as the next guy.
I like that feeling of power that I get when I push the top slice down.
Feel the crisps just crush underneath my hand.
I'm like, "Whoa, I'm stronger than I thought I was.
"I showed those crisps what's what.
" He gets a real loud crunch out of them as well.
He uses Real McCoy's and granary bread.
That's a loud combo.
One time he used white bread and Wotsits.
We don't talk about that.
It was pitiful.
it was pitiful.
Bread made little impact on the crisps.
Pretty much absorbed them, if anything.
In retrospect, he'd have got better results if he'd have toasted the bread first, but it's easy to be wise after the event.
These oven gloves he's got, they're like You know when you buy oven gloves you've got two options? I like to get the two individual separate oven gloves, one for each hand, independent from each other and you're free in your own kitchen to do as you please.
Or you can get the one he's got where you've still got an oven glove for each hand, but they're joined together by that filthy hammock.
Most bacteria-ridden bit of fabric in your entire house.
"What are you handling with it?" "Food.
" "Nice one, mate.
Oh, nice one.
"Number one on my list of things I'd touch with a germ blanket and eat it.
"Food.
" That's your full range with them.
You've got limited movement.
What if someone attacks you? You can't defend yourself.
It could happen.
Just cos you're getting something out the oven doesn't mean the whole world stands still.
What are you going to do, garrotte them, hope in a week's time they get a fungal infection? I said to him, "Man, do yourself a favour, take those onesie "oven gloves back to the shop, get yourself some proper oven gloves.
" He goes, "Ah, oven gloves, schmuven gloves.
" That's how he argues.
I don't know if you've ever argued with anyone who uses this technique.
It's infuriating.
Here's how it works.
Takes the main word of my argument.
Says it twice.
Second time round, drops the first letter and cleverly replaces it with a "schmu".
He's won every argument we've ever had with that.
The other day, I wanted to go bowling.
"Bowling, schmoling," didn't go bowling.
End of.
Sick to the back teeth.
Recently I found a way of combating this.
Here's what I do now.
Every time we have an argument, all I have to do is make sure the main word in my argument already begins with a "schmu".
He can't do anything with that.
Unworkable.
Lately, I've been doing a lot of schmoozing.
Believe you me, when I'm leaving the house and he's shouting, "Schmoozing, schmoozing," after me, it's more encouraging than dismissive.
Gives me a spring in my step.
Ladies and gentlemen, you've been a treat.
Enjoy the rest of your evening.
Bye.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, James Acaster! I love that.
I love that you can tell that the world's changed for men a little bit younger than my generation, if a man can come on here and talk about buying oven gloves.
That's mad.
I tell you, if I'd have ever spoke to my dad about buying oven gloves, he'd just look at me and go, "What do you need gloves to pick an oven up for?" Now there's very few people in the world who can achieve more than 30 million YouTube hits without involving a cat or sex or both.
This man's done it.
He is a phenomenon.
Please welcome to the stage the brilliant Beardyman! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE MUSIC: On The Wings Of Love by Jeffrey Osborne # .
.
The only way to fly Is on the wings of love I'm not sure.
Wait.
What is that? No, stop.
Stop.
Shut up! Shut up.
MUSIC FADES What is that? That's not the That's not the song I wanted to Who walks out to that? On The Wings That's It's ruined it now.
That's taken the wind out my sails.
I was going to come on and go HE BEATBOXES But, I mean, no, there's no point now.
No, leave it alone.
CHEERING No, shut up! No, leave it.
I'm not No, it's ruined.
It's bloody ruined.
I'm sorry.
No, shut up! Oh AMERICAN ACCENT: I'm sorry, I just, like I really I just wanted it to be perfect for you guys.
I just I'm sorry.
I just, I had, like, a big bucket of, like, all your thoughts, and then I would just, like, pick out the thoughts and just see whatever is in your head, and just turn that into reality.
I'm so desperate for your approval.
Beardy.
Hey, John.
I have the bucket.
Oh, thank God.
I have the bucket of your thoughts.
In this bucket are suggestions by you for song titles.
I love you, John.
WHOOPING Really? Right, I'm going to put the bucket here.
Right.
Rosamund Erwin, where are you? Hello, Rosamund.
Her song title, which I think is probably a message to her husband, is You've Never Listened To Me.
NORMAL TONE: Give us a style.
'80s.
'80s, eh? '80s.
BEAT STARTS '80S-STYLE MELODY BEGINS # Oh, why? # Why do I try all the time? # It's sublime # The love I give you with my mind # There's lots to start me # Why don't you try, baby? # Oh # I feel I just want just want to die, me # Oh # Your words go through me # Cos what you'll say You never listen to me anyway CHEERING APPLAUSE MUSIC STOPS CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Let's do another.
We'll do another.
Right, Steven Steppings.
Steven, what was yours? I Love My Remote Control.
I Love My Remote Control.
What style? AUDIENCE SHOUTS SUGGESTIONS Reggae.
Reggae? Reggae.
Reggae's a good shout.
REGGAE BEAT BEGINS JOHN SAMPLED: 'Reggae's a good shout.
' 'Reggae's a good shout.
' Ooh! 'Reggae's a good shout.
' 'Reggae's a good shout.
' # Oh # I like to watch TV at home # Yeah-eh-eh # I like to watch whatever it is # That I know # That I know I will like # So why don't you go and say # Re-repeat, repeat after me # I love my remote control it controls my TV? # I said, yes, repeat repeat after me # Said it allows me to be channel, channel free # I said I only watch what I like # And there is so much shite On TV every night But at least we've got this one.
This show's all right, innit? It's pretty good CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yeah, yeah.
It's all right.
It's not bad.
I'm serious.
Can I Can I do one? Ah, go on, then.
Go on, then.
Er Melanie, You Love The Dogs More Than Me.
One more time.
Melanie, You Love The Dogs More Than Me.
AMERICAN ACCENT: Yeah, that's good.
That was anger.
We're going to harvest that.
JOHN SAMPLED: 'Melanie, you love the dogs more than me.
' Give us a genre, though.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Jungle.
Jungle, all right.
Jungle.
Jungle.
JUNGLE BEAT BEGINS HE BEATBOXES # They say me high cos me do what me like # But me come to say o-o-o-one thing on the mic # And it goes like this every time it goes down # In a Hackney, Hackney dance where we are now # Say I've got to spin an go back the mic, ya # Got to keep this tight, ya # And say you're coming in every, every night, yeah # Really, really late and that's something that I hate # So I love the dogs much more than you # And, yes, you see, John Bishop and you know it's true # I've got to come to say this thing out to you, say I got to, got to, got to do the, do the do DOGS BARKING 'Melanie, you love the dogs more than me.
' Boom! CHEERING Hey! Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Beardyman! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Smashed it, mate.
Smashed it.
How brilliant was that? I have to say it gives me enormous pleasure to introduce the next act.
A few years ago, I was at the Edinburgh Festival, there was talk of a young South African lad who had come over who was making a name for himself.
I bought a ticket to go and watch his show.
I have to say it's one of the best ã12 I've ever spent watching comedy.
He's gone from strength to strength, we are so lucky to have him here.
Please welcome to the stage the fabulous Trevor Noah.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE MUSIC: The Lion Sleeps Tonight by The Tokens My name is Trevor Noah and I'm from South Africa.
This is not my first time in the UK, but every time I come here, I get increasingly more and more nervous.
Every time I come in, I feel like it gets increasingly harder to come into the country.
Your border is very, very strict.
They ask a lot of questions.
Questions I often know the answers to, but I find they'll make you doubt.
I remember I got here two days ago and the guy was really interesting on this occasion.
He got my passport, to which he replies, "Is this you?" Never before have I felt so much pressure to look like myself.
He asked question after question.
"So how long are you going to be out here for?" I said, "Four days.
" "Four days? Is that right?" "Yeah?" "What are you doing?" "I'm doing a comedy show.
" "Oh, comedy? "Are you a comedian?" "Yes.
" "Oh You don't look funny.
"Do you have any jokes?" "I checked them in with my luggage.
" APPLAUSE "Was that one of them?" "No.
I'm sorry.
" "Right, I need to know the address of where you're performing, sir.
" "I don't know the address.
" "Well, then I can't let you in.
" "You've got to believe me, I wouldn't lie about that.
"I'm here to do a show and then I'm leaving.
" "Well, I don't know that you're going to leave.
" They always ask these questions making it seem like absolutely everybody wants to come and stay in the UK.
I almost wanted to say to him, "It's not as great as you think.
" It really isn't.
No, don't get me wrong, I understand right now it's easy to be arrogant because you're having your five days of summer, but it's not as great as you think.
CHEERING He was asking question after question.
Then he said something that was very true, very sincere.
He said, "Sir, you've got to understand, "I'm not trying to be a hard arse about this, "but I can't just believe you're here "to do what you say you're going to do, you could do something else.
" I was like, "You know what? Fair enough.
Fair enough.
"That's a great attitude to have.
"It's an attitude I wish we had in South Africa "when the British first arrived.
"It would've saved us a lot of pain.
" Cos we had no clue! That was the greatest trick the British ever pulled.
They pitched up on the shores of Africa.
HE IMITATES FANFARE "We have discovered this land!" People came out like "Eh! Eh!" "Oh, look at that.
"We have discovered people!" "No, we were here first.
What are you doing here?" "Uh, we're here for a comedy show.
" "Ah, come on in.
" Bang-bang, bang-bang.
"Ah, that wasn't funny.
" They took over.
I always think about those things, the guys pitching up in the country, no-one speaks the language.
That must be the more awkward thing, the guys pitching up in this ship, shouting at the guys, "You over there, what is the name of this land?" HE SPEAKS AFRICAN LANGUAGE "No, no.
I said, 'Who are you?'" HE SPEAKS AFRICAN LANGUAGE "Oh, this is horrible.
We have to teach them English.
A, B, C!" HE SPEAKS AFRICAN LANGUAGE "A, B, C!" HE SPEAKS AFRICAN LANGUAGE HE IMITATES GUN FIRING "A, B, C" "That's a lot better.
" Right It's a fun game, colonisation.
It really was.
It's the most arrogant form of patriotism, when you think about it, you know.
It must have been cool.
Like, I wonder what Britain was like back then, when it was so great that you guys wanted to go make it somewhere else.
This is like, "Oh, this is wonderful.
We should do it everywhere.
" That's what it was.
Colonisation all over the world.
What's weird to me, though, is how people act like colonisation never happened.
I don't like that.
It's weird when people say, "All these bloody foreigners "coming into the UK, all these bloody foreigners.
" Well, it's because you told them about the UK.
You've got to understand, in the world APPLAUSE .
.
we did not care for this place at all.
No-one knew about Great Britain.
In India, they were having a good time.
The British went and told the Indians about Great Britain.
They were having fun with elephants and spices, they had no need to come to this country, but the British got there and they were like HE IMITATES FANFARE "Hear ye, hear ye of Great Britain!" INDIAN ACCENT: "OK, first of all, you could've started with 'hello.
' "That was a brash entrance, I don't think it was necessary.
" "Have you heard of Great Britain?!" "No, we have not, and you don't need to shout, I am right over here.
"I don't know why you're talking like that.
" "You need to learn of Great Britain and come and see it.
" "No, no, we're fine.
India's a perfectly wonderful place.
"I don't know how great your land is - "considering your complexion, it doesn't look like you have much sun.
"I don't know if I want to go to a place like that.
" "How dare you insult the land of the Queen! "Do you know the one true god?" "No, we have many gods here.
Many, many gods.
Many gods.
" "You need one god, our god.
" "Well, our gods are already in the positions, so "If anything opens up, we'll let you know.
" "Do you not know that Jesus loves you?" "I do not know of Jesus, but if you introduce me, "maybe I could learn to love him too.
"But right now I'm currently in a relationship.
" "How dare you! Jesus loves you!" "Aaah! OK, OK, OK, I get it, I get it.
"I can feel the love of Jesus now.
"Please, no more, Jesus.
It hurts.
It hurts so much.
" It must have been a crazy experience, but it's colonisation done right, that's what I truly enjoy - the British did it perfectly.
Yeah.
Cos now we're friends, we all speak the same languages, we even have a games where we participate together - the "Commonwealth" Games.
Ironically named.
There was nothing common about it.
The wealth was in one place.
"Right, let's forget everything that happened "and let's play some games together.
"Do you guys have horses where you're from?" "No, we don't.
" "Yeah, we're going to dance horses.
Let's do dancing horses.
" "Jamaica, are you going to be joining in?" "No, we're never gon' join in.
"Your people don't admit what you did to us.
"We're not gon' play your Games.
"Give us back our sugar, give us back our people, "give us back our gold.
" "Well, we can't do that, that's ridiculous, "but come and run with us.
" "Will you give us back the gold?" "No, we won't, but we'll let you win it back "one medal at a time.
" You guys have been fun.
Thanks for having me.
Goodnight.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Smashed it.
That was brilliant.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's Trevor Noah! Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome back, with a classic track, Peacock Suit, the one and only Paul Weller! CHEERING MUSIC: Peacock Suit # Got a grapefruit matter # Oh, it's as sour as shit # I've got no solution # Better get used to it # I don't need a ship to sail in stormy weather # I don't need you to ruffle the feathers # On my peacock suit # My peacock suit # I'm Narcissus in a puddle # In my mirror might look # Like a streak of sheet lightnin' # In my camelskin shoes # I don't need a ship to sail in stormy weather # I don't need you to ruffle the feathers # On my peacock suit # Did you think I should? # Of my peacock suit # Oh, you're real damn cute # A shock At the end of a line INDISTINCT LYRICS # .
.
Narcissus in a muddle # In a mirror might look # Like a streak of sheet lightnin' # In my rattleskin coat # I don't need a ship to sail in stormy weather # I don't need you to ruffle the feathers # On my peacock suit # Did you think I should? # My peacock suit # You look cute # Did you think I should? ALL: # Peacock suit # Yeah # Peacock suit # Yeah # Peacock suit # Yeah # Peacock suit Yeah, yeah.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Oh, yeah.
Brilliant, mate.
Ladies and gentlemen, Paul Weller! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE What a way to end the show! Please put your hands together for all the acts that you've seen.
Thank you for coming.
Goodnight and God bless.