The Kardashians (2022) s01e01 Episode Script

1
(UPBEAT SONG PLAYING)
MAN: Okay, let's go guys.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Ayy, now we makin' money,
now we makin' money
- Now we makin' money
- One, two, three
Guys, come on.
We have to go to Kim's. Let's go.
Put your pretty-ass lips together
Blow it real nice for me
Real nice for me
Yeah, I'm tryna hit a lick
And slide to the dealership
in the mornin'
Why?
- You guys wanna go to the barbecue?
- KIDS: Yeah!
They not gon' believe me
But check the recordin'
Ayy, now we makin' money,
now we makin' money
Now we makin' money
KHLOÉ: Hi.
MAN: Hey.
Oh, my God, I'm so excited.
I'm at the new house
and the construction is almost finished.
Oh, wow.
Amazing. I'm so happy for you.
Can't wait to see it.
'Cause I'm 'bout to go all in
Why?
I can see the champagne fallin'
I got bills to pay, but bills can wait
Ah, we ballin'
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
KENDALL: Hey, Mom.
I'm not feeling too great,
so I don't think
I'm gonna make it today.
KRIS: Oh, no. I'm so sorry, honey.
(PHONE RINGING)
Kylie Cosmetics, how can I help you?
Yes, I'm faded, pupils dilated
But the man in the mirror sayin',
"Go on, get your paper"
Okay, Kenny, I'll check on you later.
I have to go leave for the barbecue,
or I'll be late.
Kylie, we gotta go.
I think I'm gonna be late.
Let's go
Oh, whatever you wanna do, baby
I got ya, I got ya
Oh, my God
Silk Sonic
This the big one
You gotta trust your gut
Kylie, let's go. Gotta get to Kim's,
I don't wanna be late.
KYLIE: All right.
Pretty mother with some money to blow
I'm 'bout to buy Las Vegas
after this roll
I'm 'bout to buy Las Vegas
after this roll
Come on, 7-7-7
Okay, I have to go meet my family now.
7-7-7, let's go
Yeah, I like all of these.
Woo
They can't deal with me, I swear to God
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
- I love that slide
- MAN: Yeah.
and ball pit situation.
I want to own that.
MAN: Do you want it? (LAUGHS)
KIM: If it was a different color.
KIM: It's fun to start
with a clean slate.
I feel like we've had so much time
off filming that we've, kind of,
gone into our own worlds
and done our own thing.
I hate talking about myself,
but I'm two years into school.
I am literally just studying
for the bar.
I'm really working on law school,
SKIMS, and being a mom.
- Mommy.
- Yeah?
- Here, Mommy.
- Okay. I got it, okay?
I've just been in, like,
mom mode, carpool mode
Do you want to go with Dad
to the Grammys and be his date?
just getting it all together
at the house.
- (PSALM SPEAKING)
- You want to swap?
Okay, there might be one more.
We're working on whining,
but let's go inside
'cause you're really hot.
(NORTH SPEAKING)
KIM: Yeah?
Whoo! Was it fun?
No? Okay.
To me, that's what's so exciting.
It's just that side of our lives
that people don't see.
Like, I cleaned out the playroom today,
like, that kind of stuff gets me
makes me horny to literally clean out
my (BLEEP) playroom. I'm insane.
Like, any mom will get that.
Like, if you have a clean playroom,
oh, my God, like,
you can sleep at night.
Oh, here's Mom.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
- Hey, you look nice.
- Thank you.
Are you gonna do fine?
You have a very busy schedule.
Do you know that your schedule
is busier than my schedule?
I've been pretty busy
since you last saw us.
I get up at four o'clock every morning.
(LINE RINGING)
How can people
not answer their phone at 7:00 a.m.?
It's, like, it's almost lunchtime.
I'm a mom, I'm a grandmother,
I'm running businesses.
There's Kylie Cosmetics.
And there's Kylie Skin.
Kylie Baby, SKIMS, Good American, 818,
KKW Fragrance,
Arthur George, the hot sauce company.
Halfway Dead, Safely.
Can just one person
be lazy in this family?
Oh! What did I leave out?
Probably something.
- Cheers, babe. Here's to season
- 92.
A new chapter.
- Hey, guys.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Look at you, cutie.
Oh, look at her. You look so cute.
You left without me?
- What?
- No.
- Hmm.
- What?
You just made it really obvious.
- That what?
- I know what you're having.
Everyone just knows what I'm having.
- It's so crazy.
- Why did she make it obvious?
- I didn't do shit.
- I can now see her belly.
My belly looks the same.
I am very excited to have another baby.
I'm almost six months now.
For right now, we are keeping the gender
just between Travis and I.
We're just waiting for the right moment
to tell everyone in a special way.
KIM: I think it's a boy.
- You're skinnier this way.
- Oh.
You're prettier
- How could she get any prettier?
- than you were last time.
Like the girls take the beauty
to give it to themselves.
The boys, like, know what's up,
and they just, like,
let you be a little bit prettier.
KYLIE: My whole life is so public.
My pregnancy is really public this time.
To have something between
just Travis and I feels really special.
It's just fun keeping that to ourselves.
COREY: These kids.
KRIS: Everyone in this family
takes a secret so seriously.
They're so committed.
KIM: Khloé's here.
KRIS: Hi. You look fab.
I'm so happy Tristan's here.
Why did I think you were
at basketball already?
TRISTAN: No. Sunday.
KRIS: Glad you're here.
Right now,
Tristan and I are just friends,
and I love our relationship
that him and I have.
But my biggest focus
is being a mom
to my beautiful angel, True.
Okay, I'll get it for you.
Tristan.
(BOTH SQUEALING)
Let's rub our bellies.
I don't have one anymore.
The food looks amazing, if I do say so.
I think I want regular fries
and chicken nuggets.
- I'll have regular fries too.
- A little more fries, yeah.
Thank you.
I'm a vegan most of the time.
Ninety-eight percent of the time.
But today, I'm
going wild.
KYLIE: I'm just, like,
living a dream over here.
KHLOÉ: Yeah, this is
a pregnant woman's dream.
Dream.
(NORTH SPEAKING)
Travis? Yeah.
Travis and Auntie Kourtney are coming?
KRIS: Guys!
- There they are.
- (ALL EXCLAIMING)
There they are.
- Talk about short shorts.
- Hi. Oh, my God.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Living my life without cameras
was an absolute dream.
I've been spending
a lot of time with my kids,
and I've just, like, let life unfold.
So
Travis is my boyfriend.
Our homes are a block away
from each other.
He was one of my closest friends
for probably eight years.
We used to work out together
all the time,
just us doing stuff on a friend level.
We could just be ourselves.
We fell in love, and now,
he's my boyfriend.
This is a relationship
that I don't think anybody saw coming
because they've known each other for
so long and they were such good friends.
I definitely saw this coming.
For years, we have been telling Kourtney
that her and Travis should hook up.
They are so happy, seem so in love,
and never stop making out,
by the way, like ever.
- What?
- How're we gonna stop
Who made that?
(LAUGHING)
- Who made that? Who is it?
- I don't know.
Let me see.
Click on it.
(EXCLAIMS)
(LAUGHS)
Hold on.
Khloé, look at this.
What? Let me see.
I could put a pillow in the chair.
Khloé, come here. I feel like you're
the only one that would understand.
- Okay, I'm coming.
- I'm not sure what this means.
This is a character in Roblox,
but it says
- What?
- I know. That's why I said
- Oh, it's a game?
- Yeah.
Well, then, we're suing them
if it's a game with my name and picture.
There was a picture of my cry face,
and then I looked at it
and it said something
super inappropriate
like "Kim's new sex tape."
No, it was an inappropriate thing that
popped up on his Roblox about me.
That says they're leaking
something that someone said.
This is supposed to be
unreleased footage from my old sex tape.
The last thing that I want as a mom
is for my past to be brought up
20 years later,
especially when it's this big party
and my whole family's here.
This is some real embarrassing shit,
and I need to deal with it.
And I will deal with it.
I just cannot believe
this is happening right now.
(KIDS CHATTERING)
(BOTH SHRIEKING)
KRIS: Okay, let's go outside.
Come on, little lovebirds.
You can make out out there by the table.
(LAUGHS)
- We're sitting here.
- This is you, babe.
Kendall's not here because
she's just got the flu or something.
Hey, I actually didn't have the flu.
I had COVID, and it sucked.
But, you know what?
You're going to get me
for the rest of the season anyways.
And I will be here. So don't you worry.
Guys, can you believe
that this is day one?
- Yeah.
- Yeah. I can. Look at all the cameras.
KIM: This is day one.
I know.
I have a little anxiety about it.
KIM: You do?
Just like what the (BLEEP)
are we doing again?
Yeah, same.
You're going to be good.
Just suck it up, honey.
Oh, I'm always good.
So, guys, Mom and I
had lunch the other day
with Lorne Michaels from SNL
- Yeah.
- and they asked me to host it.
- And so
- That is huge!
- But did you say yeah?
- I said yes.
Wait. Are you listening to this?
- No. Sorry.
- Your sister's going to host SNL,
Saturday Night Live.
- Super.
- From New York.
What day is it on?
Everyone around me
is like, "You have to do this."
And I get it. It's so cool.
But I always put myself in these
situations that I think I'm fulfilling
other people's dreams, honestly,
of, like, my mom's. I
don't know why I did
Dancing with the Stars. I sucked.
You just have to come out
and sell it and sizzle.
And you didn't.
Absolutely sucked.
That's just so not me.
If you know me, like, I It's not me.
- I'm just not funny like that.
- You are funny.
- It's just
- You are funny. Timing is everything.
KRIS: But you are funny.
We've always told you you're not.
But you really are.
KRIS: You really are.
You're more funny than you can dance.
- Just look at it on the bright side.
- Good. Yeah.
Khloé and I are known
to be the funny ones.
But Kim's related to us.
So, I think she can be funny.
I think she has it in her.
- But also
- I'm kind of going back and forth,
like, since Kanye's album is out,
do I want him to be my
That would be epic
if, like, he was my musical guest.
But then, do I want my own moment?
Kanye and I are still going
through a divorce now.
We're just trying to figure it out,
how to be good parents
to our kids together,
how to be good friends to each other.
Ultimate goal, no matter what,
is just happiness and following that,
whatever that looks like.
I think, have your own moment
because I think you'd rely on him
for the comfort, right?
This is my first time,
and I kind of want this to be about me,
and not about how are they
going to act to each other?
I mean, I just can't
embarrass us, you guys.
You've embarrassed us before.
It's fine. It doesn't matter.
KIM: They haven't announced it yet.
I wonder if I could still pull out.
You're not going to embarrass us.
You're going to be amazing.
I don't know.
- BARKER: Are you sticking to the table?
- Yeah.
See you.
KRIS: I'm not sure Kourtney really
has a type, but if she does,
it's definitely Travis.
I'd watch them come to a decision
over something as simple as a dessert.
Like, "Okay, babe,
what kind of dessert do you want?"
"I don't know, babe.
What kind of dessert do you want?"
"Babe, I don't know.
Do you want the apple tart?"
"I don't know. Do you want the choc
What do you think we should do?"
Like, 15 minutes.
I'm like, "For God's sake,
just pick a dessert. Get both."
You probably won't find me
straddling Corey every five minutes.
Maybe after a drink, but
I'm going to get a burger.
KIM: Kourtney has just been
in this amazing relationship.
It's like the first time
that I've seen her happy,
I'm so happy for this win for her
because she really deserves it.
So wait. No one invited Scott?
I don't know. I didn't invite him.
You didn't ask Kourt?
No. I just honestly forgot.
- KHLOÉ: I didn't even think about it.
- I didn't either.
Does that make us awful human beings
that were, like,
going on with our lives?
- I don't think so.
- Everything that he Thank you.
Everything that he was always afraid of.
"I don't have any family
and you're my only family."
- It came true.
- And now, it's coming true.
KOURTNEY: Hold on, guys.
Scott and I have been
broken up for seven years,
and I gave him 10 years before that.
So, like, why is everyone making
such a big deal about this?
Let's just not hate on a girl
who finally knows what she deserves.
So, he doesn't know about this at all?
I don't think so. Who would've told him?
Anyhow, one way to find out.
- KID: Oh, man.
- So, Reigny, come here.
When you go home, does your dad
ask you what you did?
Is he like, "Oh, Reign,
what did you do tonight?"
No, he doesn't say anything.
I think that your dad's so tired. So,
no need to tell him what we did tonight.
Okay?
Cool. We have an understanding.
What are you doing? You are so cute.
Can I eat you?
You're already eating.
I'mma punch the camera.
Hey, you can't.
SCOTT: Yo, what up, Mase. My main man.
So, this is probably the first time
in 15 years
that we've had
a really, really long break
from having cameras
follow our every move.
And I think it got a little lonely.
KHLOÉ: Scott and I are incredibly close,
but I guess I just don't know
what Scott I'm going to receive today.
I think I'm just prepared for anything.
- Lord?
- SCOTT: Khloverton!
- I missed this place and I missed you.
- Oh, Khloé.
KHLOÉ: We did not always have
a great relationship.
I have gone to anger management
over Scott.
But, somehow,
Scott and I became like besties,
and he really is like a brother to me.
God must have
broke the mold when he made you.
Just hoping.
Get these cameras out of here
and we'll go upstairs, then.
That being said, he does
speak to me maybe a little more
flirty than my real brother does.
The whole thing's (BLEEP) weird.
- Salud.
- Salud.
So, where's your head at with Kourt?
Honestly, I think for, like,
the first time, probably in my life,
it's finally starting to change.
Now that Kourtney's got her life
with Travis, like
As hard as it is, it does give me
a place to finally be able to move on.
Do you genuinely think
that you would be open
to a real loving relationship?
So, if I want to find somebody real
- Yeah.
- and serious,
and someone I'm gonna
actually spend my life with,
- it would have to be somebody
- More age-appropriate?
Yeah, like, you know
- Upward of 20s.
- 21?
When you're with an equal,
you have to go back and forth.
They challenge you. Yeah.
I think that's a big step for me,
but not over 30.
Or fine Whatev
30 over I don't care. Whatever it is.
If I love somebody,
doesn't matter their age.
Not sure about that.
Did you know about
the barbecue at Kim's house?
Nah. A little bit because I think
one of the kids said something,
which the kids always
kind of tell me everything.
Feeling left out
and not being told anything
- is super hurtful
- Sucks.
especially when I don't have
another family to go to.
But I have a question.
Do you think you can handle
being around Kourt
and her new boyfriend?
I'd rather be around them
and be around my family than not at all.
I will say, at the barbecue
when you weren't there,
I was almost like it's probably best
because it was so small and intimate,
- and they're very lovey-dovey
- Right.
that I don't know
if that's so comfortable for you.
I thought it almost did you a favor by
not having to see that so face-to-face.
Oh, everyone knows he's still in love
with Kourtney. It's not a secret.
But this is 100%
the happiest I've seen Kourtney.
I know how much Travis
and Kourtney love each other.
And that has to be hard
for anyone to process,
especially when everything is so public.
I think maybe she's uncomfortable
and doesn't know what to say
because I know she does love you
and want to
not have this uncomfortableness.
You know, I always had
her friends or our family
in my ear, kind of like,
"Don't worry, honey."
Like, "Eventually,
you guys will figure it out
- "and you'll get back together one day."
- Yeah.
So, my foot was always
halfway in the door.
It was a huge adjustment
losing Kourtney romantically.
But now it's becoming a huge adjustment
losing her as kind of a best friend.
Now we're really just
more of co-parenters.
I would say it's probably one
of the more difficult things in my life.
Listen, at the end of the day,
I understand what the bigger picture is,
what would be best for Kourtney.
She's happy. She's in a real thing,
and I believe that's true.
Because I also felt like
I did so much wrong to her
- over so many years that
- You felt guilty.
I felt super guilty,
and I always felt like
if she ever needed me
for any reason whatsoever,
I'd be there to make it up to her
because of how bad I was for so long.
Kourtney has all right
to despise me and the way I treated her
because it was horrible,
like that wouldn't go on today
for a day, but it went on for years.
Do you mind if I talk
about this with Kourtney,
- or would you rather I stay out of it?
- Not at all.
No, stay in it.
- All I need is just to be acknowledged.
- Right.
Do I even mean anything to anyone?
- BARKER: Hi, guys.
- Hi.
KOURTNEY: No kissing.
BARKER: You should ride
your mom's new bike.
This bike is kind of hard to ride.
I love going to Travis's studio.
It is like a happy place for him.
We ride bikes and we play ping pong.
It feels like home.
- I'm stealing some of your juice, baby.
- I don't think you'll like it.
I like that you think you know
if I'm going to like it or not.
I was definitely
always attracted to Travis.
I just think it was
the right time in my life.
I had taken, like, a year to myself.
But my closest best friends have always
said, "You have to hook up with Travis."
Okay.
KOURTNEY: We would almost play house
because we would do things
together with our kids,
we would go to museums and go to church,
and last year, during the pandemic,
we were texting,
and so, I just put it out there
like flirtatious conversation.
- You've been practicing, baby?
- No.
Finally, I think, once I made it known,
he asked me to watch a movie,
and the whole movie,
he didn't make a move.
Me. I did.
He was taking a long time.
The movie was over,
and then, I was like
we started another movie,
and I was like,
"I don't have time
for this movie marathon,"
so, I made the first move.
You just do whatever you want,
and then I'll do whatever I want.
(LAUGHS) No.
- KOURTNEY: A drum battle.
- I would never want to drum battle you.
KOURTNEY: Watching him play the drums,
watching him on stage,
watching him, though,
even with my daughter,
and how amazing he is with her,
the way he speaks to her is so special.
BARKER: That was good.
She's a drummer, baby.
Travis and I talk about
a future all the time.
The second we fell in love,
I think we knew how different
it was from anything
either of us have ever had before.
And so, I think that
we absolutely see a future together.
Travis, why are you
always like this to my mom?
- I'm always drumming.
- KOURTNEY: 'Cause he's a drummer.
I said I'm gonna use
your mom as a drum one day
- and I'll record it.
- KOURTNEY: Yeah, he's gonna record it.
You're going to use her butt?
Actually, that's what I thought
would make the loudest noise.
(ALL LAUGHING)
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
KIM: Amazing. Is this all for SNL?
- DANIELLE: Yeah.
- Oh, my God.
So, I'm still really bothered
about what I saw on my son's iPad.
I just want to get to the bottom
of where this is coming from
and what's happening.
And I've been calling everyone
from Roblox
and my attorney's been on it.
So, I'm just going to let them handle it
and go into this fitting
and try to focus on SNL right now.
I feel like they need to know
who my musical guest is ASAP.
And Kanye is out of town.
How would you feel
if he was your musical guest?
- He obviously would be the best.
- Yeah.
But maybe this is my chance
to do something on my own.
You know?
I don't know. It could
either be super calming,
it would be so cool for the kids to see
Mom and Dad on SNL together.
That's so cool.
But then, I might be more stressed out,
the more people you know that are there.
I might just be like, "Oh, my God."
- Want me to try this on?
- Yeah, let's do it.
Okay, so I say we try
this, this, and this.
Okay. Who's coming from your family?
I'll make my mom be a part of it.
- Oh, you will? She's always good.
- Totally.
I was like, how funny would it be
if, in all the skits, it was
Kourtney and Travis in the background
making out the whole time
because that's really
all they do anyway.
I brought my whole family
and I'm like, "You guys, no one is safe.
"I'm gonna throw you all under the bus."
Do you know what
you wanna say in the monologue?
No, I want to say hi.
- (LAUGHS)
- Everyone's forced me to be here.
Listen, I'm the underdog.
Everyone just thinks I'm a ditz.
The girl from Will and Grace came out
and said that she has no idea
why I would be chosen as a host.
But it's like, why do you care?
I don't comment to tear people down,
especially another female.
If that's what you think, dude, then
cool, tune in.
The long tassels might freak me out.
If I'm like, "Hi."
I use my hands a lot,
and I'll feel like an octopus.
I want this to be a moment where
people are like,
"Oh, wow. She was funny."
- Are you nervous?
- I am nervous.
Listen to this.
I just got this voice note.
Oh, my God, you're hosting SNL.
Oh, my God.
Are you dying? Are you dying?
- Are you dying? I'm dying.
- Who is that?
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- My God. Okay.
- Chrissy Teigen.
But I'm just like, "Yeah, I'm dying."
"I'm dying. Now you're
freaking me out even more.
"Thanks. You're freaking me out
actually even more."
Everyone's blowing me up, like,
my God. I've never gotten more texts,
and I'm like,
"Okay, I'm glad that you're happy."
I really do wanna surprise people,
and I hope that I can bring it.
I literally called, like, Amy Schumer,
and I was like,
"Oh, my God, I'm hosting SNL."
She's like, "I'll help you write
some jokes for your monologue."
And I was like,
"I love having really funny friends."
Kim Kardashian on SNL. It's crazy.
It's going to so epic,
and fun, and historical,
you'll never forget this.
It'll be the coolest moment
of your life.
This will be live.
Live.
TRISTAN: Hello, there.
- You look good.
- Thank you. So do you.
Tristan and I currently
are not exactly together.
He's one of my best friends.
- What's going on?
- Not much.
I see Tristan a couple times a week.
He's a really hands-on dad,
and me and Tristan don't have tension.
We get along really, really well.
And so, it's just easy
to co-parent with him.
So good seeing everyone
at the barbecue, you know.
- It was nice, right?
- Yeah. And Kylie looked so good.
I didn't know she was like,
popping popping.
The baby's cooking in there,
like, I see it.
I didn't know she's that far along.
I know if Tristan had his way,
I guess that we would
completely be together.
I just need a little breathing room
and time to think.
I know you're going
to be heading to Sac soon.
And something that I know
means a lot, I think, to the both of us
is the therapy aspect.
I notice such a big difference in you
when you are on top of your game
and you, no pun intended,
and you just stay on,
I think, your personal health,
well-being,
whether that be mind, body, soul.
I think it's great for both of us,
especially because
we've had a lot of room to grow,
regardless of us being friends
or where we stand,
I think we both grow together.
It just makes our family,
and our bond better.
Tristan is very determined
on us getting back together.
He goes to therapy quite often,
a couple times a week,
and we now even do
couples therapy together.
I say "couples," but it's really
his therapy that I'm asked to join.
I think I just call it couples therapy
because I don't know
what else you'd call it.
It's always such a weird
(BLEEP) gray area
- because we are such great friends.
- Yeah.
And I think that's so confusing
to outside people
because I know how to be
a monster to you if I want to.
But you never have been,
which I respect.
- And I appreciate that.
- Okay.
I mean, it's not like you've ever
burned my clothes or slashed my cars.
No. I have thrown
water on all your clothes.
- If I wasn't
- You have?
When I was nine months pregnant,
when you cheated on me.
- Yah. It was water.
- If I wasn't pregnant,
I would have (BLEEP) you up so
I just didn't want
to break my nails before delivery.
- Shoutout to the nails.
- Yeah, for sure.
Yeah, but let's
Listen, it's 2021, okay?
We can't be talking about 20
- Eighteen?
- Eighteen.
Every day, he tries to show me
and prove to me
that he is a different person and
that I should have faith and trust him.
But him and I have been
through so much together
that I have a lot of reservations.
My guards are up.
I'm always kind of like this.
And Tristan just wants
to bear hug me, and it's just
I don't know.
I'm still kind of like this.
You know how I feel about you
and you know I want to
get us back together
and build our family,
and, hopefully, be able to
expand our family one day, God willing.
I think it is the avenue where you or we
- get to hear each other differently.
- Mmm-hmm.
Because we've definitely
had these conversations.
- You've definitely made mistakes
- Of course.
that weren't taken seriously
or they weren't really listened to.
I don't think someone was there
to kind of hold you accountable.
It's a lot of strain on a relationship.
- Yeah.
- Trust takes time.
Understand what I'm saying.
I didn't say
trust comes after a session.
Trust takes time.
When there's no hope
And the darkness got you down
Remember that the good life
always comes back around
Remember the good life
Good life
Good life
Good life
We're not going to have time, Chris,
to do that full ponytail for SNL.
- CHRIS: No?
- Right? It's going to have to
- You've done SNL before.
- KIM: Right. You did it with J Lo, too.
Did you do all of Jennifer's wigs
when you guys did it?
- Or did this show do it?
- CHRIS: They made the wigs.
They'll make it. I'll go with her,
and they'll do a head measurement.
Is there time for looks and changeover?
No. It would literally be wig on,
wig off.
But I can make one and put it on.
There would be that much time.
(LAUGHING)
There's certain things and preparation
that people are telling me to do
that are making me way more nervous.
I ran into Pete Davidson at the Met.
I was like, "I'm so scared.
I don't know what I signed up for."
He's like, "Can you read cue cards?
You're good."
And I was like, "I can read." (LAUGHS)
Scott wants to come
and Jonathan wants to come.
I think Scott's fine 'cause
Kourtney and Travis aren't coming.
- TRACY: Yeah.
- So, that'll be nice.
KIM: So, Kourtney can't come.
As long as I have my mom,
and my besties, and Khloé, I'm good.
And, of course,
I wanted to invite Scott.
I love Scott. He's always welcome.
He's always family, and I'm happy
that he's coming to support.
But I probably wouldn't invite Scott
if Kourtney was coming without Travis.
I think that would just be
weird so soon.
TRACY: But what are you guys
thinking for hair
when she walks out to do her monologue?
The first look should
obviously be the most
because the rest of the time,
it's wig on, wig off.
- It's just kind of ruffling there.
- Are you gonna have
I just have to be there
and quickly ruffle her up
- Then someone grabs and pushes her out.
- Not even 10 minutes?
No, like, seconds.
They literally are pushing her.
It's like you're in a wheelchair
and they push you to the crowd.
It's crazy.
Your head's gonna be spinning.
Your wig's ripped off
and they change it.
And then you just have to be really calm
and go out and be like,
"Okay, guys, next up"
Sarah Silverman was like,
"What if you're like,
"'Okay, I'm gonna ask
some questions to the audience'
"and then, I go, 'You.'
It's really Kanye in a disguise.
"But you know it's him.
"He goes, 'Do you believe
in second chances in marriages?'
And I go, 'No!'
and go to the next one."
CHRIS: Love that.
- That's amazing.
- TRACY: That's funny.
That's literally all you need.
- Would he do that?
- We're laughing thinking about it.
- Yeah, if Dave tells him to do it.
- He'll do it.
If Dave Chappelle says
it's funny, it's funny.
- TRACY AND CHRIS: Yeah.
- That's all I need.
- I don't need a whole audience.
- I feel you're gonna be great.
What if they were like,
"Can you sing?" No.
"Can you dance?" No.
"Can you act?" No.
"Can you do accents?" Nope.
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
(CHRIS SPEAKING)
TRACY: You'll be fine.
You're gonna kill it.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Hey, Joge, I do have
a bone to pick with you.
- Just about SKIMS. One thing.
- Okay.
So, you know, I
You always make fun of me
for having a bigger vagina than most.
- I'm wearing
- KOURTNEY: Hi.
I'm telling her about a bone
I have to pick with her.
You know, the body suit one,
the one that there's ruching here.
I'm wearing it right now,
and it's amazing.
But it's a slivered
Is it supposed to just cover my clit?
The vagina needs a little more fabric,
just a little wider.
For all you little bitches,
why does it matter?
Big puss club.
The width wise
is what she's talking about.
You don't want your vagina
hanging out of the sides of the SKIMS.
Yeah.
- You look fab.
- I was, like, screaming
at Kanye and his stylist 'cause I said
the clothes have to be
at my house at 11 o'clock,
and by 12:30, I'm leaving.
I'm going out the door, and now,
I look like I'm in the (BLEEP) Matrix.
I just want the outfits
lined up in my room,
Monday, Tuesday, I'm a robot.
I will operate as such.
- Is someone gonna do that for you?
- Well, it's Kanye.
He says he wants to quit everything
and just dedicate his life to being
- Your stylist.
- my stylist.
I think he should still
maybe do a little music,
a little Adidas designing,
and then he can do that on the side.
KIM: You know,
Kanye and I remain friends.
Kanye's always dressed me.
He's always styled me.
In the early 2000s, he would
literally just send me random e-mails
with all these looks
and what my style should be.
Only wear crop tops
and pencil skirts right now,
or it's all about a boot with a skirt,
and he'll send me
so many reference pictures.
So, that's always really been our thing.
But there's also a side of me
that wants total independence too.
- Hi.
- Hi, how are you?
Good, thank you.
(GASPS) I'm gonna get
a grilled artichoke
KHLOÉ: God, she scared me.
with a side of mayonnaise
and the skinny onion rings.
I'm gonna get an impossible burger
and sweet potato fries.
May I please get the iceberg lettuce
wedge as well, but all chopped?
Can I add tomato to it?
And can I add egg and ranch dressing?
May I get that, please?
- Chopped as well.
- Chopped.
- She just knows what she's doing.
- I'll just get that, too.
Shut up, are you?
We are foodies.
That's why we work out the way we do
because we'll order everything
and we scarf it down,
and we pray for forgiveness later.
It's horrible.
Ooh. What's a blueberry patch?
Oh, cocktails.
Thought it was a blueberry pie.
Fat ass.
- WOMAN: No, we can't
- I'm kidding.
I'm not talking about me, I mean Kim.
No, just kidding.
- Thank you.
- Is that from the fountain?
The diet Coke?
- (WAITER SPEAKING)
- Oh.
I'll stick with my iced tea.
I love a good fountain soda. So
I don't think I've ever
had better onion rings.
So, Scott and I spoke about
how he wasn't invited to the barbecue.
KIM: Oh, my God, what did he say?
He was actually so incredibly receptive.
And he was so calm because I said,
"Scott, honestly, we did you a favor
by not inviting you
"because it was so intimate,
like you don't want to sit there
"and be exposed to
you and Travis making out."
So, he asked me about it, "So,
do you not want me at this barbecue?"
And I was like, "Your actions
need to match up with
"you wanting to be a part of this,
then act like it."
I was in Italy, and he was DMing Younes.
- KHLOÉ: You brought that up to him.
- Then I was like,
- "That's not really the vibe."
- The vibe.
"Don't go DMing my ex-boyfriend."
When I was in Italy with Travis
on our summer vacation,
I woke up to a text from Scott
saying, "I'm so sorry.
"I DMed your ex-boyfriend
who I can't stand."
He sent me a screenshot of it
and said he posted it on his story.
- He was asking if he could apologize
- To Travis?
KOURTNEY: Yeah.
KIM: That is nice.
- Then I wrote him, "This is despicable."
- You didn't tell any of us that.
I said, "This is despicable."
I was like
- You pulled out the big word.
- Yeah.
For so many years,
Scott's always gotten away with
bad behavior and still been invited,
and I don't think
that's going to continue.
It could be me or Kim. If Kourt's
too uncomfortable to say something,
I don't mind doing it, but I'd
But what No. Why do we have to call?
So, every time we're doing anything,
having a seven-person barbecue,
- we have to say
- KIM: No.
Me kissing the love of my life
- is not anything bad.
- Why do you laugh every time you say it?
- You can own it.
- I'm not. I'm just saying
it's not anything
I don't want to be taken negatively.
- So, he'll
- But it's going to be taken negatively
to someone that's not getting their way.
You can't let that affect you.
But I just No, I don't.
I will continue to
live my life
and pretend no one's watching.
Ha!
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
- KRIS: Kim.
- What an ambience in here.
It always smells so good
in here, doesn't it?
KRIS: Why am I always talking to myself?
- Because you're old.
- KRIS: Awesome.
- I did 15-minute glam today.
- KHLOÉ: You look so beautiful.
KIM: You look so cute.
KHLOÉ: Right? Look at her.
- Look how cute I look.
- KHLOÉ: You do look cute, Mom.
You are the cutest.
So what's going on here?
Is this a little SNL packing?
KIM: Yes.
KHLOÉ: Ooh.
(CELL PHONE BUZZING)
KIM: Hold on, Marty calling.
Hi, I saw it.
Can I patch you in with Tracy?
I'm here with my mom.
MARTY: Sure.
You're on speaker, and we're filming
my show, and I'm with my sisters.
I mean, I just have
so much to do this week,
SNL's coming up. I'm already
stressed out about that.
Then, my lawyer calls about the threats
that there's more footage
from the sex tape that's been out there.
(MARTY SPEAKING)
What tape?
So, Ray J's manager is claiming
he has a sex tape of us
in Santa Barbara.
This all started earlier
at the barbecue.
Click on it. (EXCLAIMS)
It was clickbait insinuating
that if you click on it,
there was going to be
a new sex tape coming out.
Had my son been a little bit older
and been able to read,
I would have been mortified.
But I died inside.
Marty, I am
- 99.9% sure
- (LAUGHING)
that no other tape exists.
This is supposed to be
unreleased footage.
I really don't know what they have.
For 20 years, this has been
held over my head
of this mistake, or is it a mistake?
It was my boyfriend of years.
We go on a trip, we film a video.
It's embarrassing
for it to be out there.
But it's not the most scandalous thing,
and I'm not going to be made
to feel that way.
I'm just human.
Didn't we deal with this
the first season of Keeping Up?
- This is a good omen, you guys.
- What's a good omen?
KHLOÉ: Talking about your sex tape
in the first season.
I feel like we're back to day one.
- My God, how amazing.
- KHLOÉ: It's a good omen.
- So, what do we do, Marty?
- TRACY: Marty,
let's say it's a brand new tape
that Kim doesn't even know exists.
I mean, I'm 99% sure.
But the fact that these people
keep saying they have a tape,
what if I was (BLEEP) sleeping and he
stuck a dildo up my ass? I don't know.
Oh, my gosh.
I'd hope you'd wake up from that.
KIM: I don't remember anything.
It's completely illegal.
Have Marty scare
the shit out of this guy.
TRACY: Whatever he has,
isn't that considered stolen property?
I'll sue for nominal damages.
The message is more important
than the dollars at this point.
The message is.
You're not doing anything wrong.
You're protecting yourself
and reputation for your children's sake.
I'm not doing anything wrong.
I'm protecting myself for my reputation
and my children's sake.
- It's 5:00 p.m. You gotta move fast.
- Yeah, they're gonna post this soon.
We gotta move fast
and start calling people.
- MARTY: Let me call
- Let me call you back.
Let me just call Kanye really quickly.
(LINE RINGING)
It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.
(SOBBING) It's not okay, though.
It's not. You know, on Roblox.
Saint was on Roblox yesterday.
And the (BLEEP) thing popped up
and he started laughing,
and was like, "Mommy, look,"
and it was a picture of my cry face.
And it was a game that
someone made in Roblox.
And it's said, "Kim's new sex tape
when you clicked on it."
Thank God he can't (BLEEP) read yet.
And it's, like, over my dead body
is this shit gonna happen to me again.
I just want it gone.
This is not gonna (BLEEP) with me.
Like, it's not.
So, I just want it gone.
I am a mama bear. These are
my children. This is my whole life.
And it's really hard to see my kids
go through stuff like this
when people are always trying to attack.
It's just annoying.
I almost died when
Saint thought it was funny.
The one thing that got me kind of more
calm about it was, when I was crying,
Kanye was like, "Listen, you have
the power. Nothing will cancel you.
"Stop worrying about
the public perception.
"You know who you are."
(SNIFFLES)
Wait. This is
them calling about this thing?
Let me call you right back. Okay, bye.
So, here's the thing, Marty.
Get something drafted so that
it can be taken down immediately.
I don't want it to be copied.
I have four (BLEEP) kids.
I can't go through this again.
This was, like, 20 years ago.
I'm not gonna go through this again.
I know the right attorneys this time.
I know exactly what to do this time.
I'm not going to let this
happen to me again.
So, we're gonna get on top of this.
I have all the time, all the money,
and all of the resources
to burn them all to the (BLEEP) ground.
KIM: This season on The Kardashians
I'm excited for this new chapter
for people to see.
Live from New York.
I am Kim Kardashian West,
and I'm hosting SNL this week.
I don't know.
- Where's Big (BLEEP) Mclaughlin?
- I don't know who that is.
- Whoo!
- Our lives are so hectic and busy.
What a good problem to have.
Two sisters that are
supposed to have the same cover
for American Vogue.
No matter what, with how big our family
is, we always have an emergency.
You're freaking me out
with scissors right there.
- Shit!
- Oh, shit!
- Oh, shit!
- Oh, shit!
(SIREN WAILING)
KOURTNEY: Travis and I
want to have a baby.
(NURSE SPEAKING)
- No spit.
- No spit.
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
One of the biggest things
in her life is about to happen
and Kourtney has no idea.
(ALL CHEERING)
- Do you have sympathy for Scott?
- Yeah.
It doesn't feel like you do.
Could you imagine if I singled you out,
the only person that I've cared about,
I deliberately didn't invite.
But Scott, I'm saying sorry.
- What I'm
- I've not heard you say sorry.
- I'm out. This is so (BLEEP) ridiculous.
- My God.
We're not the problem.
You're the (BLEEP) problem.
Here's what the problem is,
that we (BLEEP) covered for you assholes
this many times.
KIM: We always have something
super important.
Kanye flew home last night.
I wanna show you what he got me.
Oh, my God.
- It'll never stop.
- Did you see what I sent you?
He's been lying to you.
He did a full declaration.
Yes!
Oh, my God.
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
Living the good life
Good life, good life
Living the good, good, good life