The Kennedys (UK) (2015) s01e01 Episode Script
Secret Whisper
1 'Living in a new town in the 1970s was brilliant.
'Everything was brand-new 'and I was allowed to stay out for as long as I liked.
'It was like living on the Death Star 'but without the Stormtroopers 'or the evil.
'That's my mum, Brenda.
'She's a modern woman, which means she's allowed to get away 'with never cooking dinner or dusting.
'That's my dad.
He's called Tony.
'His hobbies are sausages and finding a parking space 'in Stevenage town centre on a Saturday morning.
'I really like them, except for when they do kissing stuff, 'which is just plain wrong.
'That's Tim and Jenny.
They come over all the time.
'Dad says Jenny's a bit half-baked and Mum says Tim's a bit underdone, 'which means they're perfect for each other 'or something.
'And that's Jane.
She's my best friend.
She's mad for hopping.
'Everything was perfect, except for one thing, 'but I was determined to do something about it.
' 'Julie -- the Darth Vader of Jessop Square.
' Secret Whisper? If you don't know it, you're not coming in.
'She ruled the Rec with a rod of iron 'and if you didn't know her Secret Whisper, you were going nowhere.
' All my fingers have stopped working.
One day, that fort's going to be mine.
You don't know the Secret Whisper.
Then I'll make up a new Secret Whisper and then Julie won't be able to get in.
- She'll just punch you in the face.
- No, she won't.
Once you've said Secret Whisper, that's it, it's Secret Whisper.
Is the Secret Whisper going to be that Nathan Coleman rubs his woolly through a hole in his pocket? Not "woolly".
Willy.
No, everyone knows that.
Don't worry, I'll think a new one up.
'But I wasn't the only one having grand ideas.
' Shall we have a dinner party, Tony? No-one's ever had a dinner party on Jessop Square and everyone else is having them.
I don't know anyone who's having a dinner party.
Well, they're having them in Cosmopolitan.
Look.
That's not a dinner party.
It's an advert for Scotch.
There's a tiger on the table.
Anyway, what for? And who with? Did Neil Armstrong ask, "What for?" when they said, "Let's go to the moon!"? No, he did not.
We can ask the Palmers and Jenny and Tim.
We haven't seen them this week.
Yes, that's cos Tim got drunk and fell onto your tits.
- That was an accident.
- Brenda, nobody falls like this.
We're having a dinner party.
But you can't cook.
You've never cooked, apart from that time you tried to boil an egg in a kettle.
Well, of course I won't be cooking.
You will.
- But I - Mum? I need to do a really good Secret Whisper, but I'm not sure what.
- Why? - Because Julie won't let anyone in the fort so I'm going to occupy it like when the Nazis occupied France.
Well, I don't think that's anything to aspire to, if I'm honest.
Jane thinks I should make the Secret Whisper about Nathan Coleman and how he plays with his willy through a hole in his pocket.
- How do you know that? - He showed me.
Oh Emma, Emma! Do not let boys show you their willies in pockets, Emma.
This is what men do.
Put your foot down now and you'll have a career.
If men had their way, we'd never achieve anything.
We'd all just be standing there, staring at their willies.
Think up a nicer secret.
Anyway, we're having a dinner party.
- Imagine that.
- It'll be two hours of frantic cleaning, then two hours of frantic cooking, just so we can spend two hours frantically trying to think of things to say.
I mean, how is that a party? Who knows what we're going to eat.
We should have something posh, something we've never had before.
What about a lasagne, Tony? Look, there's a picture of one.
It's magnificent.
Lasagne? That's got pasta in it, and not in a tin.
Brenda, that's madness! Where am I going to find pasta not in a tin? It'll be fine.
Look, there's mince, bread sauce, lasagne bits, cheese on top.
You're done.
They're both smiling in the picture.
They must be enjoying it.
You know mince.
You know it! So you're in charge, Tony.
I'll phone Jenny and see if they're free tomorrow.
But I don't want to be in charge.
Tony, most men would kill to be in charge.
What the hell do you have with lasagne anyway? Mash? Chips? RINGING TONE - Hello? - Hello, Jenny.
Hi.
I was I was wondering whether 'I mean, if you can't live with me, then why aren't you dead already?' Sorry, Brenda, we are having a bit of a row.
Tim has ruined - 'my best blouse.
Ruined! - Going out.
- Good riddance!' - Be back by seven.
I'm cooking lamb.
- Mint sauce? Yes, of course, mint sauce! I'm not an idiot! - DOOR SLAMS SHU - Right, he's gone.
Hello! Hello.
I have had a brilliant idea.
Like when we painted our eyebrows on with fence varnish? No, a proper one.
We haven't had a fun day in ages, so I'm going to have a dinner party.
'A dinner party?' Yeah, it's a party where you have dinner.
It will be giddy, like that time we thought we saw David Cassidy in Woolworths.
What about that stick with dead strong onion stuff and loads of butter? WHISPERS: You mean garlic bread? Oh, yeah.
How do you make that? - I don't know.
I'm ten.
- Oh, yeah.
Oh, Jenny, are you OK? Oh, yes, fine.
Just a bit full of feelings.
Well, my dinner party will cheer you up.
We'll pick you up in the morning, make a day of it, go over to the mausoleum in St Albans, - dinner party in the evening.
- Ooh! Great! I'll invite the Palmers.
See you tomorrow.
Bye.
Have they had another row? Nothing your lasagne won't fix.
Oh, come on, Tony! First dinner party in Jessop Square.
We're setting the standard, raising the bar.
Now, what am I going to wear? I could come and help you choose, if you like.
Something that says, "Hello.
I'm fabulous.
" Basically, the fashion equivalent of lasagne, but maybe not so many layers.
You know how to make lasagne, really, don't you, Dad? Yeah.
MUSIC: Immigrant Song by Led Zeppelin Hello, hello! Let the fun day commence! Are you ready? Tim's not here.
I don't know where.
Don't worry, we're in no rush.
You're going to love dinner later.
Tony's making a lasagne.
It's going to be Is everything all right, Jenny? Oh, what's this doing in the bin? Don't touch that.
It makes you pregnant.
How do you get pregnant with that? Well The man makes a sort of love soup and then Not now, Tony.
WHISPERS: Say something.
Malcolm Macdonald's had a terrible season for Arsenal, hasn't he? Right off form.
SHE WAILS Oh, right.
Come on, Em.
Let's go outside and look at the concrete.
Get back in here now! What can I do, apart from offer to put up some shelves? Perhaps you should offer to put up some shelves.
Jenny? Do you want me to put some shelves up? Yes, please.
Oh, no.
I've forgotten my tools.
SHE WAILS WHISPERS: Go and get them.
Forget the shelves.
You look after Jenny.
Me and Em will try and find some lasagne bits.
OK, but don't be long.
I'll put some shelves up for you later, if you like.
Saucy.
Yuckadoodledoo! Come on, Em.
Pasta bits or die trying.
Now then, Jenny.
What on earth has been going on? SHE WHIMPERS There was actual snot coming out of her nose, Dad.
I know.
And when a woman cries, somewhere in the world, a man is in terrible trouble.
Oi, oi! Look who it isn't! Hello there! No Brenda? Jenny? Jenny's inside crying because a man is in terrible trouble.
- Hm.
- Look, Tim.
I don't suppose you know where we can get some lasagne bits, do you? It's pasta, but not in a tin.
- Not in a tin? - I know.
Madness! Actually, I do know someone who might have some pasta, not in a tin.
Colleague of mine.
It's not far.
Brilliant.
Hop in.
'Me and Dad loved a challenge.
'Meccano, trying to get Mum to understand that eggs weren't 'a dairy product, and now, pasta.
' - Brilliant.
- Won't be long.
Tidy garden.
Nice pots.
It's nice.
I need the loo, Dad.
- How bad? - Right now bad.
Right, come on.
Quickly.
They won't mind.
Hello? - Hello? - Dad! It'll be upstairs.
MUSIC: Rock Me by ABBA Right, hurry, hurry! I can't.
It won't come out.
Then keep it in.
What? Dad! No, wait! It's coming! Hold it in, Em.
Mind over matter.
I don't think I can.
THEY KISS AND MOAN - Is that love soup? - Don't look, Em.
Oh, no! - Oh, no! - He's kissing her, Dad! - The wee's coming! - Quick! Do it in the bushes.
This solves trying to think of something to say at the dinner party, doesn't it, Dad? We can talk about this for ages! No! We can't talk about this at the dinner party, so not a ruddy word, Emma.
Not a word! Can I go back in to wash my hands? No, you can't.
There you go.
Macaroni! It's not lasagne, but it's still pasta, not in a tin.
How's that? Here we are.
- Great guy.
He's dead now.
- Oh.
Hello, Brenda.
Cor, you look lovely.
Oh, do get off her, Tim.
She's not going through customs.
Emma said you'd been crying so I got you a little present to cheer you up.
I'm sorry about the blouse.
See, Jenny? When a man does something wrong, you get a present.
I got you eight of them! Pushed the boat out.
Mwah.
I don't drink beer.
Oh, well.
Probably help out.
It's not even 11 o'clock.
Brenda said we're going to have some fun, make a day of it.
You're never going to believe what we saw! We both need to help Emma wash her hands.
- Upstairs, in the bathroom, now.
- What are you talking about? - But I licked them! - Never mind that.
Come on.
- Tony, what are you doing? - Upstairs, in the bathroom.
We're going to help Emma wash her hands as a family.
- But I've got biscuits! We're going to have some family time together.
In, in! Shush, shush! I needed a wee and Dad said that I could Whole bag of shush, OK? Now, Brenda, listen to me.
Try very hard not to be cross, OK? Tim said he knew where pasta was, so we drove him to this woman's house, then he went inside, - then Emma needed the toilet.
- I did.
This is the best bit! I had no idea what he was doing, right? So I took Emma inside, and the thing is They were making love soup! Hang on.
They were on the floor kissing.
- We saw the whole thing.
- WHISPERS: Emma as well? - I saw everything.
- Oh, this is a disaster! Jenny already thinks he's going to go off her - because she's accidentally got pregnant with that baster.
- What? She didn't think it through.
And Tim doesn't know, so everyone keep that quiet.
That means you, Emma.
Did this woman have pasta? - Yes, she did.
It's macaroni.
- Macaroni? Will that make lasagne? It's pasta, innit? Pasta's pasta.
- Oh, thank goodness! - Never mind about the pasta, Brenda.
Tim's having an affair - and Jenny's pregnant! What are we going to do? - I'll have to say something.
You can't say anything.
She's pregnant.
Tim and that lady were making noises.
"Uhm Uhm" - I beg your pardon? - Look at her, with her blabbering lips! You know what she's like for blurting stuff out.
She's like a leaky ruddy sieve! Now listen, Emma.
What you've seen is very serious but you and your father did not see Tim kissing another woman.
Yes, we did.
He kissed her for ages.
Like this.
No, you did not.
And you don't know Jenny's pregnant.
Do you understand? Emma, this is a Secret Whisper! It's the most Secret Whisper you could ever imagine! Do not, under any circumstances, tell Jenny that Tim's having an affair with a big-breasted woman with a tidy garden.
Have you got it? You noticed her breasts, did you? Trust me, you'd have noticed them, too.
DOOR OPENS Just need some tissue.
Eight cans of beer, Brenda! Honestly, makes me wish he'd do something really awful.
There's some clogs I want.
SHE BLOWS NOSE You all look like you've got an awful secret.
THEY LAUGH AWKWARDLY Right, mausoleum! Let's go! Mausoleum.
I think that's a Roman name.
- Come on, then.
We can pretend to be Romans.
- Yes! Might just finish this beer, then I'm going to finish these.
Just add alcohol.
Instant idiot.
What amazing fun we're having! Dexter, sinister, dexter, sinister, dexter, sinister, dexter! - That, Emma, is Roman for left and right.
- Oh.
- Need a wee.
- Not there, Tim! Thank you.
- Where's Jenny? - She's in the toilet.
I think she's been sick.
You need to do something about Tim.
He's already drunk.
We need to all be enjoying ourselves, not just him.
I know, I know.
Secret Whisper! Secret Whisper! Secret Whisper! What? It's the woman in the amazingly fluffy jumper! - Oh, no! - What's going on? - HE GROANS - I know what's going on! That's the woman with the tidy garden who was kissing Tim! - I've just been sick on my boots.
- Great, let's go.
- What are you doing? - Mausoleums are so samey, aren't they? We've only just got here! Hello, Tim.
Give us a minute, girls.
Fancy seeing you here! Hey, Pamela.
I didn't know you like stone structures with urns? Come on, Tim! Who were they? Don't know.
Not with us.
Is that your girlfriend? Now, I know this looks wrong You told me she was in a wheelchair and she couldn't use her hands or mouth.
- I never said mouth.
- Why, you little! No, no! Not the face, not the face! Aargh! Help, Tony! She's like a cat! Nightmare scenario! Right, Emma, go after your mother.
- This is brilliant! - Go, go, go! Get off me, you witch! You haven't told her, have you? I will drop-kick you into outer space! I can't tell her.
She's deaf! SHE GROWLS Enough! - HE GROANS - Have you gone mad? This is a ruddy Heritage Site! Well, if you won't tell her, I will.
No! Stop her, man! Stop her! Hang on, hang on, hang on! - Look, can't we just - Get off me, you SHE SCREAMS Blimey, that was impressive! We should help her.
No, no, no.
No, she's fine.
Her breasts will, er, cushion the fall.
Quickly, escape! Come on! Not a ruddy word, Tony, or they'll have our balls for toast! But I haven't done anything! You drove me to her house.
You're in it up to your neck! Come on, come on, come on! Hold it there! Tony, make dinner! Emma, music on! Jenny, get ready! Tim evolve! We are going to have fun! We need new blood! I'm going to get the Palmers.
Jenny, you might want to freshen up.
Your mascara's run.
We are going to have this dinner party and it's going to be brilliant! MUSIC: Ca Plane Pour Moi by Plastic Bertrand Wham! Bam! Mon chat Splash Git sur mon lit A bouffe sa langue En buvant! Tronc! Mon whisky, quand moi Peu dormi, vide, et brime J'ai du dormir dans la gouttiere Ou j'ai eu un flash Hou! Hou! Hou! Hou! - HE CLAPS - Lasagne! And here we are! The Palmers have arrived! Here to save the day! Hello! Hello! Well, well.
A dinner party! In Jessop Square.
I love Stevenage.
So modern.
Bronze Age, Iron Age now the Steven-Age! ALL LAUGH Look at that, Tony.
Wine from Germany! Thanks.
Great.
I thought we could all push the boat out.
So - Party snacks! - Oh.
My goodness.
Look at that, Emma.
- It's like main course and pudding all on one stick! - Amazing! The hedgehog is foil.
Made from silver.
I want him back.
So don't eat him.
ALL LAUGH Right! Let me take your coat, OK.
Where's Jenny and Tim? (Tony, do something.
He's gone feral.
) Tim! Tim! Tim! Have you met the Palmers? They live across the square at number 35.
Hello.
We're loving New Town living, aren't we, David? It's like living in the future.
But without the robots that turn bad and kill you.
UNSURE CHUCKLING David.
Hello.
I work over in Pins Green.
We've just got a computer.
- Oh.
- Ooh! I've seen a digital watch.
- Tony, go and get some extra chairs.
- Yes, good idea.
- Tim, do you want to give me a hand, mate? - No.
Hey, fancy a dance? Goodness! Well! Get down on it! Come on, David! Join in! No, no! Nice tits.
Er, where were you before Jessop Square? Peterborough.
Didn't like it.
Fell out with the neighbours.
Oh! I hate that! People should to be more accepting! - It's the '70s! - What do you mean? Well, you know because you're You know No.
It wasn't that.
It was because we're cannibals.
ALL LAUGH I'll just go check on Jenny Yeah! Shake it! Come on, Emma.
Let's have a dance.
'Mum always gripped the stairs 'when her brilliant plans were teetering on the brink of disaster.
'But little did she know things were about to get worse.
' Hey, big fella! Don't think you're getting away from me this time! Because you're not! I don't know what you're talking about.
You do know what I'm talking about.
Where's Tim? Tim who? I don't know a Tim.
Wrong address! (Not happening.
It's like she's in the ruddy SAS!) - Tim! She's - (Tony, why are you pulling the curtains?) Atmosphere.
- Ah - Oooh! Tim.
She's here.
Who's here? Oh! Jenny is here.
Which is lovely.
Jenny's here! She's here! Why've you got your shirt off? Shall we sit? I could only find one chair, so I'll have to sit on the pouffe.
- I'll take the pouffe.
- Yeah? Great.
Hey, Emma, you want to know why serial killers are never women? Because women like to torture one man for ever! - Nice, Tim! - I'm joking! Joking! Oh! ALL CHUCKLE UNCOMFORTABLY Isn't this lovely! A dinner party in Jessop Square! It's a bit like Christmas, but with none of the relatives you're not that keen on.
ALL LAUGH So, how long have you been married? We're not.
We just live together.
In the same house? [SHE GASPS.]
Very modern! - AND you're having a baby? - Sorry? What? Oh, I can always tell, with women and guinea pigs.
You're pregnant.
Yes.
- Yes, I am! - Sorry? What? Pregnant? Well, how come? Well, the man makes a sort of love soup and then Shush, shush, shush, shush! What, you're pregnant with an actual baby? No, with a mountain goat! What do you think? SILENCE Well, cheers to that, eh, Tony! Not So Tiny Tim's up to the job! Tell her about that time you had food poisoning, David.
Well, I'd never had a curry before.
- That was my first mistake - I'll just check the lasagne.
Hurry! Oh, I forgot the garlic bread.
.
.
To cut a long story short, it was pea green.
SILENCE Mum, why don't I re-enact Luke destroying the Death Star? Jenny could be Princess Leia? Jenny's had enough excitement for one day, thank you, Emma.
I haven't seen Star Wars.
What? That's like saying you've never seen cheese! Dee didn't fancy it.
Robots with guns.
It's her worst nightmare.
I'm like that about ventriloquists.
[SHE SHUDDERS.]
I'm not afraid of many things, but a pint of cockles left out in a warm sun Never again.
The lasagne! Hooray for the lasagne! ALL CHEER It's not quite like the picture.
THUDDING FROM ABOVE What was that? Must be a lamp or that fat squirrel.
I'll go and have a look.
Well! Isn't this cosy? Playing happy families, Tim? Won't be so happy when I tell your girlfriend that you've been shafting me for the past two months.
Sorry, who is this? I don't know.
I know! It's the love soup lady! She was kissing Tim like this You've been kissing her? Oh, Jenny.
Come on.
We're a modern couple! Every man has a bit of a tickle with the women they work with.
- It's part of the job.
- I don't.
- No, I definitely don't.
- You might get those clogs now, Jenny! - It doesn't mean anything.
It doesn't mean anything? It doesn't mean anything?! Well, then, this doesn't mean anything either! ALL YELP Oh, thank you! And this doesn't mean anything either! Get your hands off him, you hussy! - You are lucky I'm pregnant! - Come on, then! This lasagne's not even hot.
Are all dinner parties like this? They're exciting, aren't they? This is the best Secret Whisper ever! 'I was now in possession 'of the greatest Secret Whisper in the universe.
'All I had to do was use it' Secret Whisper? Oh Told you.
MUSIC: Love Grows Where My Rosemary Goes by Edison Lighthouse #.
.
She talks kinda lazy And people say she's crazy And her life's a mystery Oh, but love grows where my Rosemary goes And nobody knows like me There's something about her hand holding mine It's a feeling that's fine And I just gotta say
'Everything was brand-new 'and I was allowed to stay out for as long as I liked.
'It was like living on the Death Star 'but without the Stormtroopers 'or the evil.
'That's my mum, Brenda.
'She's a modern woman, which means she's allowed to get away 'with never cooking dinner or dusting.
'That's my dad.
He's called Tony.
'His hobbies are sausages and finding a parking space 'in Stevenage town centre on a Saturday morning.
'I really like them, except for when they do kissing stuff, 'which is just plain wrong.
'That's Tim and Jenny.
They come over all the time.
'Dad says Jenny's a bit half-baked and Mum says Tim's a bit underdone, 'which means they're perfect for each other 'or something.
'And that's Jane.
She's my best friend.
She's mad for hopping.
'Everything was perfect, except for one thing, 'but I was determined to do something about it.
' 'Julie -- the Darth Vader of Jessop Square.
' Secret Whisper? If you don't know it, you're not coming in.
'She ruled the Rec with a rod of iron 'and if you didn't know her Secret Whisper, you were going nowhere.
' All my fingers have stopped working.
One day, that fort's going to be mine.
You don't know the Secret Whisper.
Then I'll make up a new Secret Whisper and then Julie won't be able to get in.
- She'll just punch you in the face.
- No, she won't.
Once you've said Secret Whisper, that's it, it's Secret Whisper.
Is the Secret Whisper going to be that Nathan Coleman rubs his woolly through a hole in his pocket? Not "woolly".
Willy.
No, everyone knows that.
Don't worry, I'll think a new one up.
'But I wasn't the only one having grand ideas.
' Shall we have a dinner party, Tony? No-one's ever had a dinner party on Jessop Square and everyone else is having them.
I don't know anyone who's having a dinner party.
Well, they're having them in Cosmopolitan.
Look.
That's not a dinner party.
It's an advert for Scotch.
There's a tiger on the table.
Anyway, what for? And who with? Did Neil Armstrong ask, "What for?" when they said, "Let's go to the moon!"? No, he did not.
We can ask the Palmers and Jenny and Tim.
We haven't seen them this week.
Yes, that's cos Tim got drunk and fell onto your tits.
- That was an accident.
- Brenda, nobody falls like this.
We're having a dinner party.
But you can't cook.
You've never cooked, apart from that time you tried to boil an egg in a kettle.
Well, of course I won't be cooking.
You will.
- But I - Mum? I need to do a really good Secret Whisper, but I'm not sure what.
- Why? - Because Julie won't let anyone in the fort so I'm going to occupy it like when the Nazis occupied France.
Well, I don't think that's anything to aspire to, if I'm honest.
Jane thinks I should make the Secret Whisper about Nathan Coleman and how he plays with his willy through a hole in his pocket.
- How do you know that? - He showed me.
Oh Emma, Emma! Do not let boys show you their willies in pockets, Emma.
This is what men do.
Put your foot down now and you'll have a career.
If men had their way, we'd never achieve anything.
We'd all just be standing there, staring at their willies.
Think up a nicer secret.
Anyway, we're having a dinner party.
- Imagine that.
- It'll be two hours of frantic cleaning, then two hours of frantic cooking, just so we can spend two hours frantically trying to think of things to say.
I mean, how is that a party? Who knows what we're going to eat.
We should have something posh, something we've never had before.
What about a lasagne, Tony? Look, there's a picture of one.
It's magnificent.
Lasagne? That's got pasta in it, and not in a tin.
Brenda, that's madness! Where am I going to find pasta not in a tin? It'll be fine.
Look, there's mince, bread sauce, lasagne bits, cheese on top.
You're done.
They're both smiling in the picture.
They must be enjoying it.
You know mince.
You know it! So you're in charge, Tony.
I'll phone Jenny and see if they're free tomorrow.
But I don't want to be in charge.
Tony, most men would kill to be in charge.
What the hell do you have with lasagne anyway? Mash? Chips? RINGING TONE - Hello? - Hello, Jenny.
Hi.
I was I was wondering whether 'I mean, if you can't live with me, then why aren't you dead already?' Sorry, Brenda, we are having a bit of a row.
Tim has ruined - 'my best blouse.
Ruined! - Going out.
- Good riddance!' - Be back by seven.
I'm cooking lamb.
- Mint sauce? Yes, of course, mint sauce! I'm not an idiot! - DOOR SLAMS SHU - Right, he's gone.
Hello! Hello.
I have had a brilliant idea.
Like when we painted our eyebrows on with fence varnish? No, a proper one.
We haven't had a fun day in ages, so I'm going to have a dinner party.
'A dinner party?' Yeah, it's a party where you have dinner.
It will be giddy, like that time we thought we saw David Cassidy in Woolworths.
What about that stick with dead strong onion stuff and loads of butter? WHISPERS: You mean garlic bread? Oh, yeah.
How do you make that? - I don't know.
I'm ten.
- Oh, yeah.
Oh, Jenny, are you OK? Oh, yes, fine.
Just a bit full of feelings.
Well, my dinner party will cheer you up.
We'll pick you up in the morning, make a day of it, go over to the mausoleum in St Albans, - dinner party in the evening.
- Ooh! Great! I'll invite the Palmers.
See you tomorrow.
Bye.
Have they had another row? Nothing your lasagne won't fix.
Oh, come on, Tony! First dinner party in Jessop Square.
We're setting the standard, raising the bar.
Now, what am I going to wear? I could come and help you choose, if you like.
Something that says, "Hello.
I'm fabulous.
" Basically, the fashion equivalent of lasagne, but maybe not so many layers.
You know how to make lasagne, really, don't you, Dad? Yeah.
MUSIC: Immigrant Song by Led Zeppelin Hello, hello! Let the fun day commence! Are you ready? Tim's not here.
I don't know where.
Don't worry, we're in no rush.
You're going to love dinner later.
Tony's making a lasagne.
It's going to be Is everything all right, Jenny? Oh, what's this doing in the bin? Don't touch that.
It makes you pregnant.
How do you get pregnant with that? Well The man makes a sort of love soup and then Not now, Tony.
WHISPERS: Say something.
Malcolm Macdonald's had a terrible season for Arsenal, hasn't he? Right off form.
SHE WAILS Oh, right.
Come on, Em.
Let's go outside and look at the concrete.
Get back in here now! What can I do, apart from offer to put up some shelves? Perhaps you should offer to put up some shelves.
Jenny? Do you want me to put some shelves up? Yes, please.
Oh, no.
I've forgotten my tools.
SHE WAILS WHISPERS: Go and get them.
Forget the shelves.
You look after Jenny.
Me and Em will try and find some lasagne bits.
OK, but don't be long.
I'll put some shelves up for you later, if you like.
Saucy.
Yuckadoodledoo! Come on, Em.
Pasta bits or die trying.
Now then, Jenny.
What on earth has been going on? SHE WHIMPERS There was actual snot coming out of her nose, Dad.
I know.
And when a woman cries, somewhere in the world, a man is in terrible trouble.
Oi, oi! Look who it isn't! Hello there! No Brenda? Jenny? Jenny's inside crying because a man is in terrible trouble.
- Hm.
- Look, Tim.
I don't suppose you know where we can get some lasagne bits, do you? It's pasta, but not in a tin.
- Not in a tin? - I know.
Madness! Actually, I do know someone who might have some pasta, not in a tin.
Colleague of mine.
It's not far.
Brilliant.
Hop in.
'Me and Dad loved a challenge.
'Meccano, trying to get Mum to understand that eggs weren't 'a dairy product, and now, pasta.
' - Brilliant.
- Won't be long.
Tidy garden.
Nice pots.
It's nice.
I need the loo, Dad.
- How bad? - Right now bad.
Right, come on.
Quickly.
They won't mind.
Hello? - Hello? - Dad! It'll be upstairs.
MUSIC: Rock Me by ABBA Right, hurry, hurry! I can't.
It won't come out.
Then keep it in.
What? Dad! No, wait! It's coming! Hold it in, Em.
Mind over matter.
I don't think I can.
THEY KISS AND MOAN - Is that love soup? - Don't look, Em.
Oh, no! - Oh, no! - He's kissing her, Dad! - The wee's coming! - Quick! Do it in the bushes.
This solves trying to think of something to say at the dinner party, doesn't it, Dad? We can talk about this for ages! No! We can't talk about this at the dinner party, so not a ruddy word, Emma.
Not a word! Can I go back in to wash my hands? No, you can't.
There you go.
Macaroni! It's not lasagne, but it's still pasta, not in a tin.
How's that? Here we are.
- Great guy.
He's dead now.
- Oh.
Hello, Brenda.
Cor, you look lovely.
Oh, do get off her, Tim.
She's not going through customs.
Emma said you'd been crying so I got you a little present to cheer you up.
I'm sorry about the blouse.
See, Jenny? When a man does something wrong, you get a present.
I got you eight of them! Pushed the boat out.
Mwah.
I don't drink beer.
Oh, well.
Probably help out.
It's not even 11 o'clock.
Brenda said we're going to have some fun, make a day of it.
You're never going to believe what we saw! We both need to help Emma wash her hands.
- Upstairs, in the bathroom, now.
- What are you talking about? - But I licked them! - Never mind that.
Come on.
- Tony, what are you doing? - Upstairs, in the bathroom.
We're going to help Emma wash her hands as a family.
- But I've got biscuits! We're going to have some family time together.
In, in! Shush, shush! I needed a wee and Dad said that I could Whole bag of shush, OK? Now, Brenda, listen to me.
Try very hard not to be cross, OK? Tim said he knew where pasta was, so we drove him to this woman's house, then he went inside, - then Emma needed the toilet.
- I did.
This is the best bit! I had no idea what he was doing, right? So I took Emma inside, and the thing is They were making love soup! Hang on.
They were on the floor kissing.
- We saw the whole thing.
- WHISPERS: Emma as well? - I saw everything.
- Oh, this is a disaster! Jenny already thinks he's going to go off her - because she's accidentally got pregnant with that baster.
- What? She didn't think it through.
And Tim doesn't know, so everyone keep that quiet.
That means you, Emma.
Did this woman have pasta? - Yes, she did.
It's macaroni.
- Macaroni? Will that make lasagne? It's pasta, innit? Pasta's pasta.
- Oh, thank goodness! - Never mind about the pasta, Brenda.
Tim's having an affair - and Jenny's pregnant! What are we going to do? - I'll have to say something.
You can't say anything.
She's pregnant.
Tim and that lady were making noises.
"Uhm Uhm" - I beg your pardon? - Look at her, with her blabbering lips! You know what she's like for blurting stuff out.
She's like a leaky ruddy sieve! Now listen, Emma.
What you've seen is very serious but you and your father did not see Tim kissing another woman.
Yes, we did.
He kissed her for ages.
Like this.
No, you did not.
And you don't know Jenny's pregnant.
Do you understand? Emma, this is a Secret Whisper! It's the most Secret Whisper you could ever imagine! Do not, under any circumstances, tell Jenny that Tim's having an affair with a big-breasted woman with a tidy garden.
Have you got it? You noticed her breasts, did you? Trust me, you'd have noticed them, too.
DOOR OPENS Just need some tissue.
Eight cans of beer, Brenda! Honestly, makes me wish he'd do something really awful.
There's some clogs I want.
SHE BLOWS NOSE You all look like you've got an awful secret.
THEY LAUGH AWKWARDLY Right, mausoleum! Let's go! Mausoleum.
I think that's a Roman name.
- Come on, then.
We can pretend to be Romans.
- Yes! Might just finish this beer, then I'm going to finish these.
Just add alcohol.
Instant idiot.
What amazing fun we're having! Dexter, sinister, dexter, sinister, dexter, sinister, dexter! - That, Emma, is Roman for left and right.
- Oh.
- Need a wee.
- Not there, Tim! Thank you.
- Where's Jenny? - She's in the toilet.
I think she's been sick.
You need to do something about Tim.
He's already drunk.
We need to all be enjoying ourselves, not just him.
I know, I know.
Secret Whisper! Secret Whisper! Secret Whisper! What? It's the woman in the amazingly fluffy jumper! - Oh, no! - What's going on? - HE GROANS - I know what's going on! That's the woman with the tidy garden who was kissing Tim! - I've just been sick on my boots.
- Great, let's go.
- What are you doing? - Mausoleums are so samey, aren't they? We've only just got here! Hello, Tim.
Give us a minute, girls.
Fancy seeing you here! Hey, Pamela.
I didn't know you like stone structures with urns? Come on, Tim! Who were they? Don't know.
Not with us.
Is that your girlfriend? Now, I know this looks wrong You told me she was in a wheelchair and she couldn't use her hands or mouth.
- I never said mouth.
- Why, you little! No, no! Not the face, not the face! Aargh! Help, Tony! She's like a cat! Nightmare scenario! Right, Emma, go after your mother.
- This is brilliant! - Go, go, go! Get off me, you witch! You haven't told her, have you? I will drop-kick you into outer space! I can't tell her.
She's deaf! SHE GROWLS Enough! - HE GROANS - Have you gone mad? This is a ruddy Heritage Site! Well, if you won't tell her, I will.
No! Stop her, man! Stop her! Hang on, hang on, hang on! - Look, can't we just - Get off me, you SHE SCREAMS Blimey, that was impressive! We should help her.
No, no, no.
No, she's fine.
Her breasts will, er, cushion the fall.
Quickly, escape! Come on! Not a ruddy word, Tony, or they'll have our balls for toast! But I haven't done anything! You drove me to her house.
You're in it up to your neck! Come on, come on, come on! Hold it there! Tony, make dinner! Emma, music on! Jenny, get ready! Tim evolve! We are going to have fun! We need new blood! I'm going to get the Palmers.
Jenny, you might want to freshen up.
Your mascara's run.
We are going to have this dinner party and it's going to be brilliant! MUSIC: Ca Plane Pour Moi by Plastic Bertrand Wham! Bam! Mon chat Splash Git sur mon lit A bouffe sa langue En buvant! Tronc! Mon whisky, quand moi Peu dormi, vide, et brime J'ai du dormir dans la gouttiere Ou j'ai eu un flash Hou! Hou! Hou! Hou! - HE CLAPS - Lasagne! And here we are! The Palmers have arrived! Here to save the day! Hello! Hello! Well, well.
A dinner party! In Jessop Square.
I love Stevenage.
So modern.
Bronze Age, Iron Age now the Steven-Age! ALL LAUGH Look at that, Tony.
Wine from Germany! Thanks.
Great.
I thought we could all push the boat out.
So - Party snacks! - Oh.
My goodness.
Look at that, Emma.
- It's like main course and pudding all on one stick! - Amazing! The hedgehog is foil.
Made from silver.
I want him back.
So don't eat him.
ALL LAUGH Right! Let me take your coat, OK.
Where's Jenny and Tim? (Tony, do something.
He's gone feral.
) Tim! Tim! Tim! Have you met the Palmers? They live across the square at number 35.
Hello.
We're loving New Town living, aren't we, David? It's like living in the future.
But without the robots that turn bad and kill you.
UNSURE CHUCKLING David.
Hello.
I work over in Pins Green.
We've just got a computer.
- Oh.
- Ooh! I've seen a digital watch.
- Tony, go and get some extra chairs.
- Yes, good idea.
- Tim, do you want to give me a hand, mate? - No.
Hey, fancy a dance? Goodness! Well! Get down on it! Come on, David! Join in! No, no! Nice tits.
Er, where were you before Jessop Square? Peterborough.
Didn't like it.
Fell out with the neighbours.
Oh! I hate that! People should to be more accepting! - It's the '70s! - What do you mean? Well, you know because you're You know No.
It wasn't that.
It was because we're cannibals.
ALL LAUGH I'll just go check on Jenny Yeah! Shake it! Come on, Emma.
Let's have a dance.
'Mum always gripped the stairs 'when her brilliant plans were teetering on the brink of disaster.
'But little did she know things were about to get worse.
' Hey, big fella! Don't think you're getting away from me this time! Because you're not! I don't know what you're talking about.
You do know what I'm talking about.
Where's Tim? Tim who? I don't know a Tim.
Wrong address! (Not happening.
It's like she's in the ruddy SAS!) - Tim! She's - (Tony, why are you pulling the curtains?) Atmosphere.
- Ah - Oooh! Tim.
She's here.
Who's here? Oh! Jenny is here.
Which is lovely.
Jenny's here! She's here! Why've you got your shirt off? Shall we sit? I could only find one chair, so I'll have to sit on the pouffe.
- I'll take the pouffe.
- Yeah? Great.
Hey, Emma, you want to know why serial killers are never women? Because women like to torture one man for ever! - Nice, Tim! - I'm joking! Joking! Oh! ALL CHUCKLE UNCOMFORTABLY Isn't this lovely! A dinner party in Jessop Square! It's a bit like Christmas, but with none of the relatives you're not that keen on.
ALL LAUGH So, how long have you been married? We're not.
We just live together.
In the same house? [SHE GASPS.]
Very modern! - AND you're having a baby? - Sorry? What? Oh, I can always tell, with women and guinea pigs.
You're pregnant.
Yes.
- Yes, I am! - Sorry? What? Pregnant? Well, how come? Well, the man makes a sort of love soup and then Shush, shush, shush, shush! What, you're pregnant with an actual baby? No, with a mountain goat! What do you think? SILENCE Well, cheers to that, eh, Tony! Not So Tiny Tim's up to the job! Tell her about that time you had food poisoning, David.
Well, I'd never had a curry before.
- That was my first mistake - I'll just check the lasagne.
Hurry! Oh, I forgot the garlic bread.
.
.
To cut a long story short, it was pea green.
SILENCE Mum, why don't I re-enact Luke destroying the Death Star? Jenny could be Princess Leia? Jenny's had enough excitement for one day, thank you, Emma.
I haven't seen Star Wars.
What? That's like saying you've never seen cheese! Dee didn't fancy it.
Robots with guns.
It's her worst nightmare.
I'm like that about ventriloquists.
[SHE SHUDDERS.]
I'm not afraid of many things, but a pint of cockles left out in a warm sun Never again.
The lasagne! Hooray for the lasagne! ALL CHEER It's not quite like the picture.
THUDDING FROM ABOVE What was that? Must be a lamp or that fat squirrel.
I'll go and have a look.
Well! Isn't this cosy? Playing happy families, Tim? Won't be so happy when I tell your girlfriend that you've been shafting me for the past two months.
Sorry, who is this? I don't know.
I know! It's the love soup lady! She was kissing Tim like this You've been kissing her? Oh, Jenny.
Come on.
We're a modern couple! Every man has a bit of a tickle with the women they work with.
- It's part of the job.
- I don't.
- No, I definitely don't.
- You might get those clogs now, Jenny! - It doesn't mean anything.
It doesn't mean anything? It doesn't mean anything?! Well, then, this doesn't mean anything either! ALL YELP Oh, thank you! And this doesn't mean anything either! Get your hands off him, you hussy! - You are lucky I'm pregnant! - Come on, then! This lasagne's not even hot.
Are all dinner parties like this? They're exciting, aren't they? This is the best Secret Whisper ever! 'I was now in possession 'of the greatest Secret Whisper in the universe.
'All I had to do was use it' Secret Whisper? Oh Told you.
MUSIC: Love Grows Where My Rosemary Goes by Edison Lighthouse #.
.
She talks kinda lazy And people say she's crazy And her life's a mystery Oh, but love grows where my Rosemary goes And nobody knows like me There's something about her hand holding mine It's a feeling that's fine And I just gotta say