The L Word s01e01 Episode Script

Bette, come here! What? You're ovulating.
I'm ovulating.
Let's make a baby.
Let's make a baby.
Why don't you get dressed and I'll drop you off on my way to work.
Hey Tim.
Bye.
Good luck.
Thanks.
Ugh! I am so ready.
It's coming! Thank you.
Hi Shane! She doesn't talk to anyone before her morning shot.
Here you go, Don Juan.
I mean she's a kid.
She's a kid.
Whatever.
It's fine.
I mean, don't freak out.
Okay.
Allright.
Later guys.
Bye! Bye Lisa.
See ya, Shane.
Whoa, you're not leaving already? Yeah, I got a nine o'clock, guys.
See ya.
Hello.
Good morning, good morning.
I'll meet you at the doctor's.
Hey, what time am I supposed to be at what's-his-name's? Eleven.
Okay.
Bye guys.
Oh my god.
Is it happening today? Is what today? The insemination.
Oh! So you're doing it at the doctor's office this time? But first, Dan Foxworthy.
No way! Who? Why don't I know what you're talking about? 'Cause you don't read.
Oh, and, what are you, the intellectual of life? Dan Foxworthy is like the super-exclusive shrink to the stars.
He was on our list of L.
A.
's best self-improvement gurus.
How did you get that appointment? I just called and asked.
Don't tell Bette I told you.
Okay? But, what are you guys doing, I mean, you don't need a shrink.
We're just checking in.
We're about to do this incredibly major thing.
But wait, you guys have the best relationship of anybody I know, gay or straight.
I just want to make sure we're good.
Sorry.
Could I offer you a ride? I missed you so much.
I missed you.
Is that all you have? That's all I have.
Can't believe you're here! Come on! She's always running late.
She had a board meeting, then she had a meeting with an artist.
Bette's the director of the California Arts Center.
I see.
And she's probably going to be really stressed about time.
After this, we have to go get sperm.
We're trying to have a baby, and our friend Sean's donating.
Sorry I'm late.
James? Yeah, I gotta go in a minute.
Nononono, the art work is way too delicate, it's being flown in from Paris, and Annie is already a total and complete nervous wreck.
Just call Adam's Fine Art Movers.
Tell them if they want to do business with C.
A.
C.
again exactly.
Okay, great.
Thanks.
Bye.
O-kay! Here I am! So.
We are heading north right now, towards the Hollywood Hills.
A little further to the right is the Hollywood sign.
And uh, if you keep going all the way in that direction, you hit the Pacific Ocean.
Oh, can we go? Yeah, whenever you want.
As often as you want.
Do you want to tell me what the thinking is behind trying to have a child together when your sexual relationship has been pretty shitty for going on three years? It's not shitty.
It may not be perfect, but - There's a lot more to a relationship than sex.
We've been together for seven years.
I know plenty of couples who still have sex after seven years.
Well, it's not like we never have sex.
A lot of heterosexual couples have children when their relationships aren't perfect.
You know, you just obviously don't understand what happens in a lesbian relationship.
I knew this was a bad idea.
It's just, I don't believe that a straight, male therapist can possibly understand.
Early sex is passionate.
It's illicit, exciting, still has that - factor, but, very quickly, a kind of symbiosis develops.
It especially happens between two women who are doing the work of making a serious commitment to one another.
And when that merging occurs, the intense mutual dependency can be a deterrent to sexual intimacy.
Oh my god.
The lesbian urge to merge.
We have to stop now.
Oh! Do you want to schedule another session? Uh, we'll let you know, I think Tina and I need to talk.
What about this insemination? Uh, that's not up for discussion.
Not up for discussion? No.
It's not.
I quit my job.
I was a pretty successful development executive.
Now I want to relax and prepare my body for pregnancy.
That's what I'm doing.
I'm ready to start a family.
We're both ready to start a family.
Right? Absolutely.
Right.
Okay.
Great.
So this is it.
This is our neibourhood.
I can't believe this is our home, Tim! It's very traditional.
Wait'll you get to know it.
What do you mean? It's just uh not as traditional as you might think.
So, here's your new home.
I can't believe I'm finally here.
This has been the longest six months in history, Tim.
Yeah but your studio's finally ready.
Okay, so this used to be a garage! Til a few days ago.
I did a remodel on it for you.
Come on.
Try it out, come on! Oh my god! I love it! I have to go, allright? I'll be back soon.
What a fuckin' auspicious occasion! I'd love to break open a bottle of champagne but I've gotta get back to work sometime today.
Sorry it's not more enticing.
Hey, don't worry, I do this all the time.
I love his new work! He's using paint so much more freely! Yeah, I don't remember his work having this much texture.
I don't want you to be stressed out, Annie.
I - I know this is your first time curating for me, and I'm going to give you a lot of support.
Hey, listen, this'll lighten your load.
Guess what Tina has between her legs? Close.
A jar of Sean Heaney's sperm.
I kid you not.
She's keeping it warm.
Well, supposedly once it's been ejaculated, it survives longer if you keep it at body temperature.
Huh? Oh.
Hold on a second.
Uh, it's only about half an inch but they say it's quality, not quantity.
God, it's repugnant, I can't believe I used to swallow that stuff.
Yeah, Tina said I could swim here whenever.
They're uptight at the Chateau.
How are they uptight? They don't let you swim naked.
It is a public pool.
Allright, I'm going to take a look at this and while I'm gone, well, you remember how I told you that there's a fair amount of evidence now it's more likely to take if you're aroused.
She's not serious! Am I supposed to fuck you right here? I think it would help.
This is just this is, this is too weird for me, I mean, I - I - I just - y'know, I really - frankly, I find it incredibly inappropriate that she even suggested that, you know, I bet she would never do that with a straight couple! Come in! Could you come here a minute, please? You might want to take a look at this.
Shouldn't they be moving more? Yeah.
That's what I wanted to show you.
I am so sorry to tell you, but that stuff wouldn't get anyone pregnant.
Those little fellas just don't have what it takes.
Hello.
Hi.
What kind of, um, positions do you have available because I might be looking for a job.
Oh, um, cashier.
Really? Excellent.
Um, could I have an application? Yeah.
Great.
There she is, there she is.
Ah, your ladyship! Please! Don't jar anything.
It's not like it's gonna dislodge if she sits down too hard, Alice.
There's nothing to dislodge.
Sean's sperm is lackluster.
He's low-motility.
No motility, actually.
Oh, my god.
You would never know it by the way he fucks.
Oh, Christ, Alice! When are you gonna make up your mind between dick and pussy, and spare us the gory bisexual details, please.
Well, for your information, Dana, I am looking for the same qualities in a man as I am in a woman.
Big tits.
Anyway, it explains why I haven't gotten pregnant after six months.
Oh, sorry Tee, he was the perfect donor.
He was the one who Bette wanted.
But my egg just implanted, so I could still conceive any time over the next two or three days.
So you gotta help me find another donor.
Hold on, now, what's the matter? Sean's jism is no good.
Oh, well, find you someone else! Who, I've got two days.
Well, between the four of us, we'll come up with someone.
What, he has to be healthy, strong, creative, handsome Artistic.
There's always Shane.
Guys! Hey! Y'know, do you have to dress like that all the time? Like what? Well, I wouldn't be seen on the street with you.
Yeah? Every single thing about the way you're dressed, like, screams dyke.
God, Dana.
Sorry, man.
What, look, if I'm outed, I'm screwed, Alice, allright? Sponsors aren't exactly clamoring to have their stuff repped by big ol' lezzie tennis players.
No, no, no, look, it's cool, I totally dig you need to make a living.
I'm meeting a client anyway.
Y'know, you are gonna pickle in that self-loathing homophobia, I swear.
Well you know you're gonna shrivel in that self-righteous priggishness.
You guys.
Allright.
Who would squirt into a jar for you? Hello.
What! You are just so gay.
So gay.
I know.
I know.
Do you, uh, do you know the neighbors next door? Bette and Tina? Yeah.
Are they, um, a gay couple? Yeah, they are.
'Cause I saw them having sex in their pool this afternoon.
No way, not Bette and Tina.
What, they don't have sex? No, probably they do, it's just that you sure you saw them gettin' down? I saw them getting way down, Tim.
Is that right? Why don't you tell me about it.
Okay.
There was this girl with short black hair.
And she walks out, and she takes off her clothes in, like, two seconds flat.
Yeah? Yeah.
Like this? I think it was a little bit faster.
Oh, really? Yeah, I do.
I'll work on that.
Okay.
And then there was, um, this blonde girl who had these really beautiful breasts.
Oh, really? I wasn't really watching that closely.
Oh, I think you were watching.
Very closely.
What'd they do next? C'mon The tough, skinny one takes the blonde, vampy one backs her against the side of the pool and then she begins to fuck her.
Like this? Ah, fuck.
Trish! Hey.
Your backstroke is looking much better.
Oh, thanks! Looking good for U.
S.
C.
Uh, you guys got some extra stroke time scheduled? Uh, yeah, tomorrow after physics, right? Yeah.
Hey, do you think that maybe you could come with me in the morning to talk to Durst about repeating my midterm? I can't really do it in the morning.
Um, my girlfriend Jenny is in town.
She wants me to take care of car shopping.
Oh, she's moving here? Yep, she's in it for the long haul.
Oh.
Trish! Maybe after practice you and I can go talk to Durst together.
Okay.
Yeah.
Now you know you just broke that girl's heart, right? Sorry, man, what was I supposed to do? God, is that Dana Fairbanks at The Planet in West Hollywood? Shh! She doesn't want her tennis fans to know she's a gay lady! Funny.
Okay, fine.
What do you guys think about butt waxing? Who has hair on their butt? I don't know.
Alice! At least I don't anymore.
Man, why don't you just trim it? Listen you guys, you're going to have to figure this all out without the benefit of my wisdom.
Bette, Tina, guess what! I had a genius idea.
I have solved your donor problem! You two are having a party this Saturday night, and we are inviting all of the eligible men that we know.
Oh yeah, that's right, all two of them.
Oh, yeah.
Get them all together, at one time.
Right! You just go fishin' in the pond! Great.
Great! I'm leaving now.
Allright.
I'm gonna call ya about that! Okay.
Back to my question, please.
Okay.
Trimming is essential.
Y'know? You just do it a few days before you get laid.
Assuming you ever do.
Whatever you do, you have to deal with it.
Otherwise, you'll never have bush confidence.
If you don't have bush confidence, you won't feel good about your bush.
And you'll never get laid.
So deal with it.
Okay.
Do you need any rosemary? It's kinda taking over my garden.
Oh, hi.
Did I scare you? I'm sorry.
Oh, no, no, not at all.
I'm Jenny.
I'm Tina.
It's nice to meet you.
Um, I would love some rosemary.
I have this story that I've written called, um, "Thus Spoke Sarah Schuster".
I feel like that's the last story that I ever want to write about being a student.
Oh, you might change your mind when you get older.
I'm actually thinking about going back to school.
I'd like a new career.
You should do it.
Yeah? Yeah.
Maybe in a couple of years.
But right now I'm, uh, trying to have a baby.
Ah! Really? But Tim said that you and Bette? Yeah.
Were a couple.
Oh, we are.
Oh And we're trying to get pregnant.
Oh, my god, yes, no, yes.
Well, everything still works.
Yes! We can still have a baby.
It's just like there was like a momentary brain lapse.
Hey guys! Hey! Gay dad's group.
Oh, my god They meet once a week at a house over on Ogden.
It's all very L.
A.
, huh? No, it's nice.
Um, I should go home and write.
Okay.
Okay.
Thank you very much for the rosemary.
You're welcome.
We're having a party tomorrow night.
Oh yeah? You and Tim should come.
Okay.
I'll ask Tim if he wants to.
Nice meeting you.
It's nice to meet you, too, Jenny.
Bye.
Hey! What do you have to say for yourself, huh? May I see your license and registration? Look, I really gotta be at - Ma'am.
Okay.
A'ight.
Hang on.
Y'know, I was on my way to my first paying gig in over a year.
You are so overreacting, she is our friend.
Oh! Like that's ever stopped you before.
Like that's ever stopped anyone before.
Right.
Lesbians think friendship's another word for foreplay.
Hello! How are you doing? Have you ever noticed that when Shane walks into a room, someone leaves, crying? Shane? Yeah? Hey! Hey, how come you didn't call me the other night? I left like 5 messages.
Oh, well I you know, I haven't had my cell phone, so when I go get my cell phone and I check my messages, I will call you.
Allright.
It was good to see you, though! You take care.
That's just wrong, you just can't treat people like that! You have to tell Shane that that's just not right.
Okay, I'll tell her Hi.
Hi, welcome.
Everyone, I want you to meet our nextdoor neighbors.
This is Tim.
Oh, and this must be - Jenny.
Nice to meet you.
Bette.
I'm Alice Pieszecki, and Shane McCutcheon.
Nice to meet you.
Excuse me.
Are you Dana Fairbanks? I'm sorry, what? Dana Fairbanks.
Yes! I am.
I'm a huge fan.
Really? I saw you almost beat Capriati last year at the Women's Invitational.
Great, she's gonna be insufferable.
Oh, god.
It's just one fan, it's okay.
Jenny, this is, um, Dana Fairbanks.
Hi.
She's one of the best players in the women's tennis circuit right now.
This is my doubles partner, Harrison Landy.
Um, honey This is Tim.
Tim and Jenny.
Good to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
What the hell are you doing? Field research.
Yeah, there's a scientist at the National Enquirer who says that if your ring finger is longer than your index finger, it means you're a lesbian.
Yeah.
Totally gay.
Has there ever been any doubt? Oh, my god, look, I'm gay too.
Thank god, because otherwise I'd have to leave you.
Okay, Alice makes the team, but just barely.
This may be controversial, but it seems like I may be a lesbian, too.
Huh, that's so weird.
Her index finger and ring finger are exactly the same length.
What does that mean? Maybe she's bisexual.
Dana, Harrison, can you make Tim and Jenny a drink for me? Yeah, sure.
Sure, sure, sure.
Uh, drinks? Kitchen? So, Tim, do you play tennis? 'Cause I'm always looking for a little action.
Uh actually, uh, I'm a swim coach.
Oh.
According to our computer, ma'am, this license was revoked six months ago.
Well, that's what I would call a technicality.
If you want to get technical, I should haul you downtown and throw you in jail.
I was on my way to a gig at the Roxy! Yeah, uh, you know Ivan Neville, he's on the bill with me, well he and I were gonna check out a AA meeting together.
Ivan Neville of the Neville Brothers? Yeah.
God, I love the Neville Brothers! Uh, oh, well, have you ever seen them in concert? Once.
Years ago.
Back when I was stationed in New Orleans, I mean Ohh, well have you ever been on stage, five feet away from Aaron and his brothers performing? Say, like, a month from now at the House of Blues? You know, I could hook you up.
Allright, look.
This is still revoked.
Allright? We have to leave the car.
Wow.
This is very - a very interesting party.
Oh, that's because Bette's a big art world lady.
So there are a lot of artists.
Yeah, there are a lot of, uh Lezzies? Really? Are there really? You know, I hadn't noticed that.
Yeah, it's kinda hard to miss.
Uh, Tina told me that she and Bette are thinking about having a baby.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, there's a lot of that going around.
They even had to change that famous joke.
It used to be, What do lesbians bring on a second date? A moving van.
Now, it's, What do lesbians bring on a second date? A turkey baster.
That's so funny.
Honey, I don't even know why you'd know that joke.
Who's he been hanging out with, huh? Excuse me.
Excuse me.
What were you thinking? Excuse me, Simon.
What was I thinking, what? For inviting those geeky straight people, I'm sorry, no offense.
I mean, I've gotta hang on Harrison all night like some big, fat hetero.
Excuse me, Dana? We really love you, but, it's not our cross to bear that you and Harrison have decided to masquerade as Ozzie and Harriet.
K? Sorry, Simon.
So, what was I saying? Oh, right, commitment.
Uh, we wouldn't expect any kind of committment from you, financial or otherwise, I mean really you wouldn't even have to know the child if you didn't Although it'd be nice if you wanted to have, I mean, we'd like it if our donor had a relationship with our child.
But you'd have to sign a donor contract, relinquishing all parental rights - Whoa, Bette.
Tina.
Slow down.
I don't want you to waste your breath.
Why? I'm flattered.
Totally flattered.
But I just couldn't handle it.
I mean what happens when this kid turns 17, his life's a complete mess, hates both of your guts and next thing I know he's camped on my doorstep, asking me to save him from his miserable fucking life.
I can't do that.
Best first fiction? Yes.
Wow.
Isn't that like a major prize? Um, I guess so.
So, um, what's, what's the, uh, story about? I have this, uh, this character that I write about that's sort of like this alter ego but not really, and the story is called "Thus Spoke Sarah Schuster.
" That's pretty bold.
I hope you're good.
Um, Jenny, this is Marina.
She owns The Planet.
It's a little cafe down on Santa Monica.
Yeah, I, I walked by the other day but it was too crowded so I didn't go in.
It gets really crowded, thanks to Alice who wrote me up in her magazine.
Are you a writer? Yeah, for L.
A.
Magazine? Yeah.
More of a journalist.
Little different from you.
I don't think it's different.
Jenny just won this literary prize.
It's really big, for this story she was just talking about.
"Just Spoke" something? "Just" "Thus Spoke Zarathustra".
That's a Nietzsche reference.
Yeah.
Has your story been published? Yes! It'll be in the next "Best American Short Stories," right? Which is, I don't know if I told you but I write a lot of "Best Of" pieces.
Oh, okay.
That's where I discovered Amy Bloom, I read this beautiful story she wrote called, um "Silver Water.
" "Come To Me.
" That's one of my favorite collections.
I think that I probably have read everything that Amy Bloom has ever written.
I'm about to start on this "Best Cosmetics Under $100.
" There's supposed to be this guy in Calabasas who does these Botox injections for seventy five bucks a pop.
Isn't that illegal? Have you read anything by Anne Carson? "The Autobiography of Red.
" "Eros the Bittersweet.
" I think, um, those books practically changed my life.
What about you? Have you read them? Yes.
Wow! You guys should totally take the Cosmo romance compatibility quiz! Well, this would be my singular romantic compatibility question: What is your favorite - no, no no.
Your most influential, important, life-altering book, of all time.
I don't know if I want to answer that.
What's yours? I asked you first.
I have an idea! Jenny, you could whisper yours in this ear, and Marina you could whisper yours in this ear, and I'll tell ya if you're compatible.
'Cause I think I already know.
Whatever.
I'm just gonna leave you two alone to get married! What did you say? What did you say? Bette was set on an artist, but she says you have exquisite taste in the work that you show in your gallery.
I do.
You said that? I gotta tell ya, I couldn't be more flattered.
I know you two are gonna be wonderful mothers and I bet you'll have guys lining up around the block begging to jerk off for ya.
Robin, are you setting us up for a turn down? Believe me, it's got nothing to do with you guys and I have no reservations about you two, it's my own genetic shortcomings which I wouldn't want to pass on to any child.
I mean, look how bow-legged I am? It's a family trait.
Oh, that's cute, we could live with that.
I also carry the gene for buck teeth, my mother and my three sisters are all -- There are always braces.
We also have the propensity for shingles.
Early onset manic depression.
Both treatable.
Premature hair loss.
Among the women, as well as the men.
It's Oh, we could get one of those A weave.
Also a hideous tendency to drool? Okay.
We get the picture.
We get it.
Okay.
Thank you.
Thanks, Robin.
Sure.
Sorry.
Good luck.
I'm really sorry you missed your gig.
You know what to do about your car? Yeah.
Yeah, don't go beating yourself up over it.
You are one decent human being, and that's rare in this soulless town.
Keep it real! Allright.
No way! Kit! Hi! Hey, girl, whassup? How you doin'? Come in! Welcome! Yeah, thanks, girl.
Hey.
There you are.
I'm just waiting for the wash room.
D'you wanna use You were on the Olympic swim team? Yeah.
I was.
This is amazing.
I have a project in development about competitive swimming but we haven't been able to crack the story.
Would you be interested? Uh there is this one incredibly dramatic thing that happened.
When I was swimming for U of Chicago We had this one guy on the team that was probably the best swimmer I have ever - Take me home.
Jen, I want you to meet - I want you to take me home, now.
Excuse me.
Yeah, sure.
Uh obviously I have to go.
It was good talking to you.
Sure, you too, thank you.
Okay.
Is your sister like the coolest person on earth, or what? What's Kit doing here? Your guess is as good as mine.
Jen, I was in the middle of a conversation.
Do you wanna at least tell me what's going on? I felt weird.
That's pretty vague, Jen, even for you.
You felt weird.
What are you ? Jen, come on.
We need to talk.
Jen, what are you doing? Jenny Are you going to tell me why you're not at your gig at the Roxy? Well, that was something I came over here to tell you.
Bette, you never told me that Kit Porter was your sister.
Wow.
My half-sister.
Guess which half.
That is extremely cool.
Uh, Jeremy Block.
I said hi earlier.
I saw you play a couple years ago at the Hollywood Roosevelt.
You're - you're awesome.
Oh, thank you, you're very kind.
No, you really were.
We're putting together the soundtrack for a picture I'm producing.
We're working with a bunch of classic jazz and blues ladies and I guarantee who will completely dig you.
Well, I was about to get into something here with my baby sister I'm sure it can wait.
I've got a house full of people.
Come on.
Party's in the back room at Les Deux.
Are you sure? It's a potential gig, you should definitely go.
Okay.
What an ego bruiser.
Three turn-downs in one night.
Is there something wrong with our pitch? It has nothing to do with you guys.
You know, it's the it's the new male.
What? What do you know about men, I mean, you've never even been with a man.
Well, the new male is more spiritual than the old male.
He seems his sperm as an extension of his inner being, whereas the old male shot into any female without thinking about what would happen.
The new male totally cares what becomes of his seed.
Oh, my god, it's Yoda.
Yeah, they teach that at hairdresser school, by the way.
Well that's great.
Why do they have to go all sensitive on us just when we need them to keep on being the same old assholes.
I don't know.
Allright.
Yeah, we're gonna go.
Ohh.
Goodnight, you guys.
Bye She's totally going home with that girl.
Oh, my god, get off me, Harrison, the party's over, go back to being gay.
I gotta go.
You guys need help cleaning up? We got it.
Yeah, somebody's coming in tomorrow.
Goodnight, you guys.
Goodnight.
Thank you so much.
Have a good night.
Good night.
Oh, shit.
How long have you been out here? I couldn't sleep last night.
And you were totally out.
Yeah, well, somebody wore me out.
I came up here around three o'clock in the morning and then I started to write.
And I was so scary.
It's a whole new place, Jen.
It's just going to take you a while to find your groove.
Yeah.
You know, you never told me why you were so upset last night.
'Cause I was just a little drunk.
I hope I didn't ruin your night.
I think it turned out pretty well.
Don't you think? Yeah.
Okay everybody, let's get those butts up, out of the saddle and get on the road! The fucking party made me so depressed.
We have to wait a whole month before another insemination.
Yeah, well at least you have somebody to wait with.
At least there's someone in bed with you when you wake up in the morning, you know.
Now everyone.
Drop your heads.
Close your eyes and set your intentions.
Why are you here? To gossip with your friends? Or to change your body? What do you want to get out of the next forty minutes? A good look at your spectacular tits would be nice.
Go for it.
No besides, she's straight.
How do you know? Because I'm so attracted to her.
Everytime I'm attracted to somebody, she's either unavailable or straight.
Dana! Jenny! Hey! Are you here by yourself? Yeah, I am by myself.
Do - But I'm gonna go home and make a sandwich.
No, no.
We've got a table.
Come sit with us.
Okay, okay.
This instructor recommended this workshop called "All Write", W-R-I-T-E, and this instructor meets with you and does this thing called body work, you know to help you get in touch with your inner voice which I thought was weird! You know, you should check out my magazine, because we sometimes do these resource lists for the creative community.
Oh, okay.
Or, uh, you know, UCLA might be your best bet.
No, I don't wanna I don't wanna go back to school.
But, what's the name of the - Marina has a reading group.
You guys met the other night.
Hi, Jenny.
Hey.
So How do you like The Planet? It's beautiful.
It's nice.
Do you want to come to my reading group? Yes.
That means I can read one of your stories.
No, you can read anything you want.
You know.
Anything.
Oh, shit, oh, god, it's late.
You know, I, uh, I - I - I'm starting a new tour so I should go practice.
I'm gonna follow you guys out.
Jenny, good luck.
Yes, thank you.
I think you might have found what you were looking for.
Bye, Alice.
It was good to see you.
You'll be okay? Yeah, I'm good.
Of course she's okay.
You're okay, right? No, I'm good.
I'm good.
I, uh, I I hope I didn't upset you the other night.
No.
You didn't upset me.
I just, uh, I came here to say that I'm not, I I'm not A big coffee drinker? I have to go.
I have to go.
Tim is gonna be home at five.
So.
But it - it's only two.
So I - I need - Don't be upset.
It's only two o'clock.
I know, but I need to be there.
When he calls.
Okay? Okay.
Okay.
I'll walk you to your car.
Okay.
Yeah? Yeah.
Thank you.
For what? Turning you into a speed freak? Is this your car? Yes, I mean, this is this is Tim's car.
It's embarrassing.
A muscle car.
It's sexy.
Are you busy tomorrow night? Do you wanna come to Radar? What's Radar? It's a special night we do here on Tuesdays.
Great.
No, thank you.
Okay.
Call me if you change your mind.
Okay.
I could do this, yes.
And you have no problem with the concept of bringing a child into the world and having absolutely no say as to how he or she is raised.
I must have children all over the world.
Now, why would I have a problem with this one? I will sign the donor's contract now.
Jean-Paul, I don't mean to be rude or anything, but do you have any, uh medical problems, a history of family illnesses, or Health is excellent with the Chamois family.
Uh, Jean-Paul, I know you say that you're comfortable with all this but I just want you to think about it for a minute.
Where is this contract? And, uh, when we do this? Uh, when Tina's next ovulating.
You want to do this, uh, here in my bed? Or, do you want me to come to you? Wherever you want.
Uh.
We'll give you a sterile cup.
Or, if you prefer, if you need your privacy, I can come back later after you finish and pick it up.
Cup? What is this cup? Uh well, it's a specimen cup.
You ejaculate into it.
Ah, no no no.
We don't do that way.
We do as a man and a woman.
Jean-Paul, I'm sorry, I just thought you understood.
Do you want it to be all three? Because that would be fine.
It is going to be your baby, too.
No.
No? It's just me and her.
Bon.
Jean-Paul.
Not only are we monogamous, we don't sleep with men.
But, uh, to have a baby there is no other way.
Just not an option for us, okay? But, for me it is the only option.
An obligation.
I cannot bring a baby into this world that is not conceived through the passionate between a man and a woman.
Hey, the penis, the pussy, the baby.
You can't be serious! Ze penis, ze pussy, ze baby? Oh, god, I swear.
C'mon, Tee, it's funny.
I'm sorry, I don't find it funny.
Try.
It's important to have a sense of humor about these things.
Oh, well, I guess you're just going to take care of that for the both of us.
Why are you doing this? What, what am I doing? We got married and we've got Trish, and I think we - Hey, Randy.
Hey.
Wow.
You look amazing.
Thanks.
Damn.
I think I'm gonna ditch Randy and take you out, myself.
Do you wanna come? Hey, 'cause we got a shitload of work to do.
Hey, but you do look great.
Thank you.
I'm not going to be late.
Okay.
Goodbye.
Bye, Randy.
Goodnight.
Wonder where's she off to all dolled up like that? Uh, The Planet, they're uh, having some kind of special party or something.
And you're letting her go alone? I'm making her go.
She doesn't know that many people.
If you know her, she's kind of a recluse.
Hi.
Hello, Jenny.
It's all women.
Oh, yeah, Radar is a woman's party.
That's what I'm talking about.
What do you think? Hot.
So hot.
Hi.
Hey, Jenny.
Didn't know you were coming out tonight.
Yeah, Marina invited me.
Hey, hey.
I thought she'd like Radar.
Bette's sister, Kit, does a poetry night.
I think you'd enjoy it.
Where's Bette? She's at work.
They're still fighting.
Oh, my god, there's so many hot girls here.
Hi! Hi.
How are you? Good I'm gonna go play pool, so I will see you all later.
Bye.
You shoulda hit on her when we first came in.
I don't get it.
What does Shane have that I don't have? It has to do with your attitude.
I've got attitude.
It's because she's so withholding.
No it's because she's so confident.
No, it's because she's so stupid and stupid people are too dumb to be insecure.
Dana she's your friend.
It's confidence, okay? I'm telling you.
It's because of her nipples.
What do you mean it's because of her nipples? She has the best nipples in town and she knows it.
Oh, my god, you're so right, she has nipple confidence! They are nice.
Yeah.
They're small and they're perfectly formed.
I wonder if I could sell a story on L.
A.
's best nipples - Oh, that'd be good.
It's a good one, right? I think I'm just gonna wander around for a bit.
Are you allright? Yeah, I'm good.
Hi there.
No.
Thank you.
The total is $77.
83.
So, I give you the card oh, and I do this and then you have to sign it.
Thank you.
Thanks, guys.
Okay What do I do with this? So do you like living in this neighborhood? Um, I don't know, it's okay, I guess.
You don't mind it that there are a lot of homos and stuff around? What? Don't get me wrong, they seem pretty cool to me, but, aren't they always like checking out your boyfriend and stuff? No.
Customer.
Oh, my god.
Page me if you need me.
C'mon.
I wanna see you check me out.
Okay I'm sorry.
About last night.
I should've I shouldn't have left like that.
I feel really silly.
I feel really, really silly and I think I kind of freaked out.
And not because it was a gay bar, okay? But because I had absolutely no idea what I was doing there.
You know? Okay.
Um, the total is $54.
05.
I hope they overpay their employees as much as they overcharge their customers.
Do you want to come to my reading group? It's one week from Monday.
I don't know.
I have to check with Tim.
There you go.
Marina.
Is your - is your reading group a gay group? No.
There are straight people.
You look cute with the little apron on.
Yes.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
We get together once a month.
Five couples, fifty dollars per couple is our limit.
Really? Jenny and I belonged to a game back in Chicago.
She's not a very good cheater, though.
I am not a cheater.
Excuse me.
I am not a cheater.
Tim likes to say that I am a cheater because Tim is always losing.
Right, Tim? Come on, that's not true.
Not never, anyway.
Once I went out, up three whole dollars.
You guys should come tomorrow night.
We can always make room for another couple, right? Cool, uh, what time do you guys start? Um, I can't, I have that, um, book club thing.
So, just call and cancel.
This could be fun, maybe we could become regular - I'm committed.
So uncommit.
What's the big deal? 'Cause, um, it's only once a month and I've been really looking forward to it.
Oh, god, do you really want me to cancel? No.
Go on.
We won't be able to make it.
Just keep us in mind, though.
Sure, man.
Hi.
Hey.
I thought you were hanging with Joe.
He's got it under control.
I thought we could spend the rest of the evening together.
I need exercise.
Feeling a little tense.
Fine.
I guess I should've called first.
Yeah.
I can't believe that Carolyn See is in the group.
I know.
Great lines such a turn-on.
I am so happy that I came, I feel very, very inspired! Well, good! That's what it's all about.
Yes.
Maybe next time you'll read from one of your stories.
No! Why not? Because.
You don't have to do anything you don't wanna do.
Tina! Hey.
What are you doing here? I'm just exorcising some demons.
You look really good.
I do? Yeah! You're getting great definition right here.
The latissimus dorsi.
It's really starting to pop.
Are you getting a good stretch in your hip flexors? I gotta go.
Bette came home just to be with me.
I don't know what I was thinking.
Tina? I'm starting to see some private clients very selectively.
Let me know if you're interested.
Yeah! I will.
Goodnight.
Goodnight.
I had a really great time.
Good.
I'm glad.
Have sweet dreams.
Look, if you really want to go back to Dan Foxworthy, that's fine by me.
I'll make an appointment.
Tell me when you're free.
Just make the appointment and tell me when it is.
Tomorrow at 3:15.
I was going to see him by myself but I'd rather you come with me.
To Jenny being in L.
A.
Cheers.
I'm so glad you're here.
I missed you a lot.
I've missed you, too.
Aren't they cute? Adorable.
Allright, allright, allright.
Let's order.
Are you guys still fighting? I'll tell you what.
Can you just get them to grill it? My wife doesn't seem to think I need all that breading.
You don't.
He doesn't.
You're getting a paunch.
Hey, look who's here.
Hi.
Man! That girl is so hot.
She doesn't really look like she's gay.
Randy.
What? Marina's not gay, is she? I have no idea.
Well, if she is I think she's with that blonde with the cute haircut.
You think she's cute? Cute? Nah, I didn't say I wanted to sleep with her, I just said she's - No, I like the one that looks like a rock star.
If I had to be with a woman I think she'd be my type.
I have to use the bathroom.
Wine's not bad, hm? What are you doing here? The same thing you're doing here, I imagine.
Well, I'm finding it very distracting.
Do you? I'd like to see you again.
Stop it.
I have to go.
Hey.
Stopped at The Planet, got you a cup of coffee.
"She drifted across the expanse, lifted the first veil.
" I'm sorry.
What's going on? I'm just a little tense.
You go off to school every day and you have your whole deal worked out, and I'm not quite sure what I'm doing in L.
A.
I thought you were doing well.
I mean, you're writing.
You're working, at a job that you wanted.
You even made a few new friends, right? I just feel like it's kind of a little scary right now.
I'm feeling a bit, um, overwhelmed.
Don't take it out on me.
I'm not the enemy.
I know.
I know.
You couldn't be more supportive of me.
You wanna get that? Hello? Hi.
Uh yeah.
How are you? Oh, okay.
Yes, no problem.
Okay.
Okay.
Bye.
That was, uh, that was Marina.
We're gonna have dinner on Saturday night.
We don't have plans, do we, because if we do, I can reschedule - No, go ahead, it's fine.
We were just gonna get together and we were gonna talk about the book club.
But Tim, I think I should call her back and tell her that you and I need to spend some time together.
Jenny, I have a basketball game with the department heads Saturday night.
Go.
Have dinner with Marina, it's fine.
Okay.
Thank you.
She said she was coming.
It was kinda last-minute, though.
So you think she might not be showing up? I don't know.
Maybe we should spent a little time talking about you.
I'm sorry I'm late.
But I have a really good excuse.
So don't make this easy on me.
I have found the perfect donor.
Who? Marcus Allenwood, he's an artist, and he's just been selected for the next Whitney Biennial.
I had a serious conversation with him.
But I've never met him.
No, but I know exactly what you and I are looking for and he is so perfect, he even has a kid so we know he can get someone pregnant.
I never.
Met.
Him.
You will meet him tomorrow.
He's coming by the house at 11 and you're taking him to the cryobank.
He's leaving the next day for Cologne.
He's a in a group show.
Tee, he's willing to do this for us so we can have the sperm on ice for when you're next ovulating.
It'll be there when we wanna use it.
M - Marcus? Tina, right? I have to get something out of the bedroom, and uh, have a seat And and then we'll go to the cryobank! Okay.
Fuck! Ready? Tina, did Bette not tell you I was black? No.
Not at all.
But, she didn't not tell me, because it doesn't matter either way! Right? I can't answer that for you.
No.
Okay.
You ready to go? Let's do it.
Hi.
I'm Tina Kennard, and I'm here with my friend.
He's here to make a deposit.
Marcus, right? That's right.
And it says here you've recently been HIV tested.
I have all my paperwork.
Then here's all you need from me.
The bathroom is down the hall, on the left, and there are magazines in there if you need any encouragement.
I'll be right back.
Wow.
That's a pretty serious decision to make.
Isn't it? You must've given it a lot of thought.
'Cause really big men like that tend to make really big babies.
You'll probably be looking at a C-section.
Hi.
What's up? Hey.
She's uh, she's in the back.
Bye.
See ya later.
Bye.
What's going on? What are you doing here? I got this vague but urgent message from Alice.
Oh, great.
You put me in a fucking awkward position.
How could you not tell me that Marcus Allenwood is black? God, I - I I don't know, I guess I - I should've, I I just didn't think it would be a problem for you to use a black donor.
I didn't say I didn't want a black donor.
I just think we should've discussed it.
We absolutely discussed it, Tina.
Right in the very beginning, we said that if you were going to be the birth mother, that we should consider finding an African-American donor, that way the child would be more like our child.
But I wasn't prepared.
I don't understand.
Other than being committed to spending the rest of your life with me what more do you need to do to prepare? Look at me, Bette.
I don't feel qualified to be the mother of a child who's half African-American.
I don't know what it means to be black.
I think I can make a contribution in that department.
And don't you think, on top of everything else, to also have two moms that is a lot of otherness to put on one child.
Your reaction to Marcus Allenwood, however honest it might have been, comes across to Bette like a rejection of her identity.
I - I love Bette.
I I love who she is, I I just wasn't ready for how I would react.
Do you know what that says to me? That we're not ready to have children together? "Because Sarah Schuster came down, and now she reviles you, like you revile your own craving.
" What do you think? You scare me sometimes.
I see you going right to that edge.
And I think I've lost you.
And then you come back with And I know why you have to disappear on me like that.
I'm so fucking proud to have you in my life.
I'm so proud to have you in my life.
Do you know that? There's something I wanted to get this afternoon before my game.
I'm gonna go do that.
I don't know.
What time does Milk start? Why don't you just ask Dana to go? You know, you guys are just going to have to work that out.
Well, I'm sure Shane's gonna be there.
Yeah, why not? Of course she is.
Oh really? Hold on.
Where are you going? I don't know.
Doesn't the program start at 7:30? Yup.
You don't have to come.
You can go out with Alice and Shane.
Shit, you know what? I can't go.
Yeah, Bette's giving an art talk at the C.
A.
C.
Yeah.
No.
Allright.
Have fun.
Bye.
When she looks at you, she's not looking at a black woman or a white woman, she's looking at the woman she loves.
She sees what she wants to see.
Maybe she sees what you let her see.
I mean, maybe this wasn't important before, maybe what's worked best for you all these years, you know, getting all your pretty things and putting together your pretty life, is that you let people see what they want to see.
What are you trying to say? Nothin'! Just maybe it's been easier for you that way.
That's nice.
That's really nice.
Oh, come on, don't walk out! Oh, come on girl, don't walk outta here! Don't walk outta here like that! We gotta stop doing this to each other! We? Okay.
I gotta stop doing it.
I'm the one that always ran away.
Okay, but don't do what I did.
Stay, hear me out, because I'm not going to say what you think I'm going to say.
There's only one thing that cuts across all our realities.
It's love.
The bridge between all our differences.
And you have so much love in your life.
Why are you trying to tear down that bridge? Why? I don't know.
So you called Shane, right? I thought you did.
I thought you did! I told you to call! I swear you said you were calling.
No, I said you call! Whatever.
She'll be here.
She'll be here! How do we draw the line that signifies whether an image reads as pornography? I mean, who gets to say what passes as art and what is obscenity? The debate has been taken up by Laurie Papou in a series of paintings entitled "A Group of Seven.
" Please welcome Laurie.
So Laurie, to what extent is this body of work meant to be read as a narrative? She's awesome.
Your girlfriend.
She is, isn't she? Sometimes I forget.
You two - really beautiful couple.
I mean that.
You're really beautiful.
Why is it so depressing? Because it's the same faces, night after night.
Week after week.
Floating clubs, floating girls.
She's cute.
She's been with two of my exes.
Staying out of that vicious cycle.
It's amazing.
This is where I come when I can't stand it anymore.
Sometimes when I can't sleep I lie down right here and watch the sun rise.
This is vulgar, I know, but the two of you are just so fuckin' sexy! No offense! Uh, it's hard to take offense at that.
I'm gonna get a drink.
Can I get either of you anything? I'm good, thanks.
No thanks, I'm fine.
Is he? He's hitting on us.
He is.
God, that hasn't happened in a while.
I have a thought.
It might be crazy.
What? I know you're ovulating.
Do you think he's attractive? Is he a good artist? Who cares.
What about Dan Foxworthy? Oh, fuck Dan Foxworthy.
I mean, it's our life, we don't need his permission to do what we think is right for us.
And you're okay with I wanna have a baby with you.
And if we make it together, that's enough for me to know that it's our baby.
Okay.
Yeah.
Yeah? You sure? Yeah.
Ah, she's not my type, yeah, she looks like she's been around the block a few times, you know what I mean? What's wrong with that? Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Now she's cute.
And I haven't seen her before, is it possible? Fresh meat.
New blood.
Cris-pay! Uh-uh.
Just look at me.
Okay? Tina, why don't you make Bette wet? It'd be really nice if you made love to Tina while I'm making love to you.
It's not gonna happen that way.
How's it gonna happen? I think you should make love to Tina, while Tina makes love to me.
Okay.
It's cool.
Why don't you two lie down.
What's that? What? In your hand.
It's a condom.
Otherwise known as a rubber.
What are you doing with it? Well, some would say I'm being considerate.
We, we don't want you to use it.
Why? You don't have to.
We just we're okay.
Man! That's great.
Why is it whenever dykes wanna have sex with a guy, it's only because they're trying to steal his sperm? Ain't happening, guys.
Bye guys.
Bye.
See ya.
Give me a call later.
Oh, yeah.
Wanna come to my place? Oh.
Please.
I am not that desperate.
Fuck you, Alice, neither am I.
Dana What? I'm just, I don't wanna be one of those people who sleeps with her friends.
Neither do I! Right, okay! Well, let's not have sex! No, never! Okay! Never! That was really crazy.
No, I thought it was a genius plan.
You did? Yeah.
Were you turned on by him? No.
This is you.
Jenny? Is that you? I'm coming.
You smell different.
What is it? It's a new perfume.
I like the old one better.
Okay, okay.
Allright.
Let's do you.
C'mere.
It'll be fun.
I haven't even put you on it.
Allright, this is ridiculous.
I've only slept with two girls my whole life.
And I swear to god, if you repeat that I will have to kill you.
Don't worry.
Your reputation as a stud is totally safe with me.
Okay.
Okay.
So.
Oh, god! Okay.
Name names.
Okay, there was the counselor at tennis camp when I was fifteen.
Right.
Which you know about.
Name? She's famous now.
I can't tell you her name.
Oh, god.
Okay.
Ralph.
I'll call her Ralph.
Okay.
Now.
Second name.
Melanie.
Melanie? I knew it.
I told you about that.
No, you didn't.
That's - okay.
Let's see how many people it would take to link you and me.
Whatever, that's impossible.
Okay.
Melanie slept with Heather.
Okay.
Heather slept with Brooke.
Heather slept with Brooke? Yes.
Brooke slept with Nina, and I slept with Nina.
See that? Wow, yeah.
So, four.
One, two, three, four.
That is how many people it takes to link you to me.
Okay.
Okay.
So you and Tina Well that's easy.
Okay Okay I get it Ooh, ooh! Okay, I have a good one.
Here.
Check it out.
Really good.
Okay, now she she leads us right back to Shane.
Oh, god.
Right.
Now.
She could have us here all night.
It's like this whole crazy, tiny little world.
Crazy, yes.
But not tiny.
I'm so lucky to have you.
Come here.
Jen? Jenny, you awake? Oh my god.
Oh my god.
Jen.
Breakfast is ready.
Hey.
What are you doing up this early? I'm going home.
From? Nevermind.
Yeah.
You totally just got laid, didn't you? Yeah, you see? That gives me hope, because I love knowing that two people who've been together for so long can still make each other that happy.
Yeah.
Anyway.
Um Have a good morning.
Okay.
I'm gonna go.
Okay.
Bye, guys.
You be good.
I'm gonna try.
See ya.