The Last Leg Goes Down (2016) s01e01 Episode Script
Episode 1
1 G'day! I'm Adam Hills.
With Josh Widdicombe and Alex Brooker, we are The Last Leg.
Oooh! You'd better not start doing that to me.
For the last four years we've taken the piss out of anyone who's deserved it.
I think we can all agree, Rupert Murdoch is a massive fuck-knuckle.
And along the way, these two have ripped the piss out of me and my home country of Australia.
- They recently released data about a - I'm sorry, if you're going to come over here and call me a data, mate 'Now I'm going to get my own back.
' I've invited them to accompany me on a trip down under to meet someone special - my 97-year-old Aussie grandpa in Sydney.
But what they don't know is that this is going to be a 3,000-mile white-knuckle ride, involving the worst the Aussie outback has to throw at them.
SNARLING - Oh, my God.
Agh! Agh! - Holy shit! - Agh!! None of this is good! To help give the boys an experience they'll never forget I've enlisted the skills of the ultimate adventure travel agent, Amar Latif.
A man who's spent a decade helping disabled people experience things others wouldn't dare.
Together we're going to create the toughest road trip imaginable.
We've got just over two weeks to cross the continent in time for a party in honour of my Grandpa.
But before we reach Bondi and the Harbour Bridge, will two soft Poms like Josh and Alex survive the real Australia? - Come on, fellas, hurry up, would ya? - All right, Josh, you film.
G'day, Grandad.
It's Adam here.
With Alex and Josh from The Last Leg.
And I'm going to bring them for a visit if that's all right.
We're on our way.
- Put the beers on ice.
- This better be worth it.
As the boys are for ever reminding me, I'm a softcock from Sydney's comfortable southern suburbs.
But I want them to see the real Australia, so our journey has to begin in hot and humid Darwin in the Northern Territory.
From here we'll take a 3,000-mile road trip through the outback to Sydney.
Darwin's tropical climate can turn unsuspecting visitors doolally, or, as they say round these parts, tropo.
Here's hoping.
Well parked! 30 hours of travelling and The Last Leg made it to Darwin.
- Alex Brooker! - How many legs have you brought? I've got one in there and none in there and one on.
I got some smart stuff, I've got five pairs of trainers.
Five pairs of trainers? You've only got one foot.
Baggage niceties over, it's time to meet the man helping to organise our trip.
- Is that Adam? - Yes, it is indeed.
- Adam, nice to meet you.
- How are you doing? - I'm all right, how are you? - Good, thanks.
- Hi, I'm Josh.
- Hi, Josh.
Nice to meet you.
- Hello, mate! - Hi, Alex.
How are you doing? You're on holiday now.
So you can just relax.
- We are safe in your hands.
- You're absolutely safe in my hands.
Despite what Amar is telling the boys now, this journey is going to be anything but safe.
- I've got your transportation and you shouldn't be able to miss it.
- OK.
Oh, my God, it is so hot.
This is the most unpleasant weather I've ever experienced.
- Is it the massive orange campervan in front of us? - Yeah.
I went to the length of putting you a slogan on.
Do you like it? Are you serious? Oh, Jesus wept.
Our slogan is "Don't be a Dick".
- Brilliant.
- You've got a van with Be a Dick painted all over it! It says Dickmobile on front.
- Shall we get going? - This is where the holiday begins.
- Oh, I heard that! - Here we go! - Have a safe journey! - We will do.
- Mind the hand there.
- It's so hot.
- It's unbearable.
Locked in a sweaty van with two unsuspecting Brits, our epic road trip is about to begin.
This type of van, tourists who come to Australia hire them out.
Often they have horrible misogynist stuff written on the side, like a woman fellating a sandwich with "Suckaway" instead of Subway written on it.
LAUGHTER - Of course YOU find that funny! - I'd rather that than this.
Before we hit the open road, Amar has arranged a quick detour.
Darwin is the croc capital of Australia, so it's the perfect opportunity to unnerve the boys by hunting down some Australia maneaters.
This is the closest you're ever going to get to Jurassic World, - Alex.
- I don't even like this bit.
- No, this bit's horrible.
It's 6am and we're down at Darwin Harbour with patrol rangers Tommy and Danny.
Is this what we're in? There's a croc in there at the same time? - There's no croc in there now, but there will be.
- Bloody hell! The Northern Territory has over 100,000 salties.
The good news is they only eat a person every three months.
The bad news is it's been four months.
Croc patrols trap about 300 of these creatures a year.
If they're big, they go off to become visitor attractions.
If they're small, gourmet steaks and luxury handbags.
- Oh, my God! - He is absolutely livid.
OK, what we're going to do is bring his head out first.
That'll be taped up.
The zip tie will be tightened up and taped up with some duct tape.
Then we'll sex it.
What a horrible way to be sexed - tied up, blindfolded, boom.
Some people pay 100 quid for that in Soho.
OK, you can get the gear ready here.
I've just noticed that you've lost two fingers on your hand.
Yeah, I lost that about 12 years ago.
That was through a croc, yeah.
- He spun and then he ripped it all off.
- Ohh! Two fingers and the middle of the hand.
Do you mind if I steal your crocodile hands story to mess about with people at home? OK, we'll sex it.
Do you want to have a go? Am I about to stick my pinkie in a crocodile's bum? 'The Brits seem reluctant and, to be honest, so does the crocodile.
'But to hell with it.
The things I do for showbiz.
' - OK, here we go.
Come on, straight in there.
- Ohh! - What am I feeling for? - You'll feel a bit of a stem.
Are you taking the piss? Is this really necessary? Are you going to look at me and go, We were just kidding.
He's got a penis.
- It's a female.
- OK, the next croc will be a little bit bigger.
What, there's more than one? 'This is 3.
5 metres and 200 kilos of seriously pissed-off croc.
' There is no way you're going to put a finger in this one's arse.
There is no way, surely.
You want to give us a pull? Yeah, go on, then.
I'm an observational comedian! One, two, three.
Oh, my God.
This is Oh, my God.
- OK, jab it now.
- Yup.
- Keep the pressure on that.
- Yup.
OK, you can leave the gate up.
Keep pulling, pulling! Pull! We're doing it! - You can come close and have a look if you want to.
- Um I mean, it's a lovely offer, Tom I like to get it in the wider context of nature.
- Just have to sex it.
- Oh, my God.
- Lick it.
- I used a pinky last time! - So you'll feel, like, a bit of a stem.
- Oh, hello! Is this happening?! Am I having a lucid dream? Yeah, yeah, that's definitely a bloke.
Yeah, right.
Now I realise what I wasn't finding last time.
OK, come on.
Just watch that rope there.
OK, if you want to get photos, touch him.
- Touch him.
You've got to touch this one.
- I haven't got to do anything! Honestly, this is probably the only chance of your life.
It's the only chance in MY life and I live here.
And I'm going to get to touch a 3.
5-metre croc.
But that sounds like an opportunity that I've been waiting for(!) Holding hands with a crocodile.
Fucking hell! I don't like it.
Come on.
Shh! The more you try and make me do it, the less I want to do it.
I mean, that's not helpful! Do you want me to take you in there and put your hand on his? - That'll do! - Oh, come on! - Did it! Did it! This is my Jurassic Park moment.
Fuck that! Alex and Josh may have survived their first encounter with the indigenous wildlife but just around the corner they are about to meet some more alarming leathery creatures.
Oh, my fucking God.
Jesus.
'One Aussie, two poms, 'a van known as the Dickmobile 'and just over two weeks to cover 3,000 miles 'to get to a party for my 97-year-old grandad.
' We're driving across Australia.
It's going to take, like, 16 hours to get from one town to the next.
From here to Sydney? No.
Oh, God, no.
Jesus.
Here to Sydney is like, 50 hours.
What the fuck? - Yeah.
- What? What are we doing, then? 'What Josh and Alex don't know is that my expert travel agent, Amar, 'has arranged the outback journey from hell.
'We're not out of Darwin yet 'and things are about to get even more scary.
'Darwin has the highest crime rate in Oz, 'and you're five times more likely 'to end up in a body bag here than in the UK.
' Oh, my fucking God.
Jesus.
'Surprisingly, though, it's nothing to do with this bunch, 'local biker gang The Heretics.
'This is their favourite watering hole.
' Hi, I'm Josh.
- Tiny.
- Good name.
I think so.
- Who are you? - I'm Alex.
Alex.
Oh, sorry, man.
Don't apologise, mate.
These are the only reason I'm on this show.
- This here's my mate Josh.
- Alex.
- How often do you? - This is Josh.
You're Alex.
- I'm Alex.
- I'll mess up your hair.
- Don't worry about it.
"- I don't worry about anything.
I'm 6'4" and 140 kilos.
I can do what I want.
'I'll tell you what, if he messes Alex's hair up one more time, 'we will do absolutely nothing about it.
' - We're not rebels like Hells Angels.
- Right.
What's the difference between what they do and what you do? - Well, they dabble in illegal ways of making money - Right.
and we run a pissy bar.
'Well, glad we cleared that up.
' Right, here we go.
What do you call that? A beer spritz? It's called a turbo shandy.
- Cheers.
And then we down it.
Ready? Go.
- Cheers.
Oh, shit.
Where were you, son? Where did it go? Where did it go? 'Next, it's the evening's real entertainment' The world's funniest Australian is this guy over here.
It certainly ain't you, pal.
'.
.
A comic who should come with a government health warning - - 'Kevin Bloody Wilson.
' Have a fucking look at you lot.
'He's the Australian answer to Roy Chubby Brown.
' Talking about the stuff that old hookers talk about Like the size of an average dick When one of them said Biggest dick I ever seen "Belonged to a local kid" And his cock's got ribs You should see the fucking thing And you should see the bell end on that Probably the biker bar, for me, it felt like they were the macho bullies at school.
I always feel a lot more comfortable around people when they talk about my disability, like, face-on.
Apparently Prince Charles had a Kevin Bloody Wilson cassette in his car.
I'll bet you Prince Philip bloody did.
'We're now leaving Darwin and hitting the open road, 'and there's a hell of a lot of it, 'heading south towards the capital of the outback, 'Alice Springs.
' Did you see the signs here? Do you know how far from Alice Springs we actually are? 100 miles? We are 1,400km from Alice Springs.
Jesus wept.
It must be so easy to pass your driving test out here.
Just drive straight for a little bit.
That's all you're going to ever have to do.
- I mean, we haven't gone past a turning yet, have we? - No.
'This is not a journey to be made on an empty stomach, 'but the only restaurant for miles is here, 'a remote outback settlement 'that's hardly changed in the last 100 years.
'I'm about to give my pommy pals a taste of the real Australia.
' We are pulling into the pub at Daly Waters.
I'm hoping it's going to be a proper outback breakfast.
I'm hoping it will be granola, yoghurt and a soy latte.
No shirt, no service? - This looks like brown sauce, doesn't it? - Ketchup? - Don't know.
- Wait, can I just have a look at your breakfast? - So, there's these big bits of toast.
- Yeah? - Look at that - that's a steak! - That's a steak! I'm getting so fat out here, it's insane.
- Look at that little bit of carrot.
- Five a day.
I hope I like this sauce.
So this place seems to have developed a reputation for people coming in on their travels around Australia and just putting underwear on the ceiling.
Do you want to put your pants up here? - Yes.
- I'm quite proud.
There it is.
For everyone that comes to the Daly Waters pub from now on, look up above the fan.
Those pants up there The worst thing is that fan is now circulating the smell of Alex's pants around the bar.
'Four days into our journey 'and we're still in The Northern Territory.
'It's five-and-a-half times the size of the UK 'but with a population smaller than Norwich.
'But whilst it may lack people, 'it doesn't lack cows.
'There's seven for every human, 'and a fair few of them are at our next stop - a cattle station.
'The perfect location to test the boys' mettle 'after their previous bruising encounter with the local wildlife.
'Especially Josh, who's a vegetarian.
' Here we go.
A bit of off-roading.
We're going to get dirty, aren't we? Great.
Proper red Australian dust.
'Here, our tour guide, Amar, 'has arranged for us to meet a real-life cowboy 'who's actually a woman called Shona, 'and a jillaroo, as they're known around here.
' Hi.
Nice to meet you.
- Hello, I'm Alex.
- Hi, Alex.
How are you? - I'm Josh.
Nice to meet you.
- Hi, Josh.
- How's it going? So, these cattle have come from the Queensland Gulf.
- There's 2,000.
- 2,000?! And they're getting trucked this afternoon - and they'll go on a ship to Indonesia.
- Bloody hell.
- Yeah.
And then they'll be made into bakso balls.
- It's like little meatballs.
- They're not aware of that though, are they? They won't be thinking, "I'll probably end up as a bakso ball.
" I don't know, the look on some of their faces, I think they know.
- Be careful, because there might be some wild ones in here.
- OK.
- So be ready to run and climb if you need to.
- Are you joking? No, I'm serious.
This is dangerous.
If they all go at once, they've got the jump on us.
Also, they've got nothing to live for.
This is it, one last job.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Go on, guys.
Some of us have got to be in Alice Springs.
- No.
Other way.
- Come on, come on.
Whoa! Oh, my God.
Just back up a bit.
Just back the pressure off.
I've turned my back.
Josh, I literally just - Don't turn your back! - Just stand still.
- They just need a bit of space.
- You turned your back on all of them.
It's like when you get on the Tube and you're trying to get the last seat.
Oh! He's cutting.
No, no, no, no, no.
One at a time! Single file.
It's just, the thing is, they are racing to go and have their throats cut.
- It's pretty brutal, isn't it? - I don't like it.
- It's really brutal.
- It's really horrible.
'Shona's not impressed, and neither am I.
'The boys are soft as bakso balls.
' Oh, shit.
Fuck.
Can you get that bit of sun cream off my shoulder, please? Don't rub it in cos it'll look like somebody's jizzed on me.
Adam's adopting more and more manly Australian poses as we travel around.
He is, isn't he? It's quite unsettling, I think.
He is trying to be an Australian.
He's worried that he's not an Australian.
You know what kills more people in the outback every year than any other animal? English tourists.
Basically, like, you're a fanny, mate.
Just accept that.
- You live in Crouch End.
- Yeah.
I'm honestly less scared of snakes, spiders and bugs than I am that one of these two is going to get me killed out here in the just dumbest fashion ever.
- You're going to respray our van? - I am.
- It's not that you can't be a dick.
- Yeah.
- It's you can't be a pussy.
There's no excuses for being weak, being tired, having emotions.
No excuses for having emotions.
No.
No, people don't have time for that.
In the Territory, we have a saying called "harden up".
Or "harden the fuck up".
- I'm not sure that's a saying.
- Yeah, it is.
It is now.
So here we go.
Don't be a pussy.
I understand the sentiment but I can't imagine, like, that I'm going to go home as some kind of, you know, Merv Hughes figure.
Go home really solid.
- Oh, that's great.
- Yeah, that's it.
Now it's fixed.
I still can't get over the overwhelming need to use a baby wipe to kind of clean my face at the moment.
'Although our journey gives me the excuse 'to have some fun at the expense of my two mates, 'for me, it's also the chance 'for a family reunion, 'with a man who's got more balls than the three of us put together.
' The thing is, boys, we're going to go and see my grandad in Sydney.
And I could tell you about him or I could just show you a video I made of him for his 90th birthday.
- Yes, please.
- Yes, please.
- Do you want me to hold this? - Yeah.
- 'This is Pa, this is his car.
' - When would this have been, Adam? - Seven years ago.
- He looks good for 90, doesn't he? - He really does.
Well, I suppose he's 97 now, so obviously He was a tram conductor in Sydney.
He served in World War II.
That's a man who's worked - those hands.
Yeah.
He grew up under the Sydney Harbour Bridge - as it was being built.
- Incredible.
Rockin' all over the world - That was great.
- Yeah, he's a good one.
- So, did you edit that yourself? - I did.
- Excellent work.
- A bit amateurish in places 'We're ever deeper into the outback 'but still hundreds of miles from Alice Springs, 'and there's no time to waste with a detour to a five-star hotel.
'Josh and Alex always say they like a night out.
'Well, they're about to get one.
' - You know we are camping tonight? - I'm terrible.
Anything that flies, anything that lives that isn't human, I'm terrible with.
'There's only ten venomous snakes out here 'that could actually kill you, 'the worst being the brown, the mulga 'and the particularly unpleasant death adder.
'Our tour guide, Amar, has taken pity on us and 'organised a wilderness expert to help keep us alive.
'All we've got to do is find him before it gets dark.
'Unfortunately, Alex is driving.
' OK, go forward, spin around that way.
Jesus.
Oh, fuck it.
- My guess is that's probably part of the car.
- Shit.
'So, Alex has totalled the van on a termite mound, 'the sun's going down, and we're deep in snake territory.
'Still, with our prosthetic legs, 'there's only a 50% chance we'll suffer a fatal bite.
'If I was Josh, I'd hop.
' So, fuck it.
We do it the Australian way.
We harden up, we man up and we just walk across.
What about snakes? - You'll be fine.
Just watch where you walk.
- What the fuck? - Nothing's going to come out.
- Really? A snake will only bite you if you tread on it.
What if I tread on it? Don't tread on it.
Stomp your feet, the guide just said.
- Holy shit! - Oh, my God.
With just ten days left to get to Sydney in time for my grandpa's party, we're still 2,000 miles from our final destination.
We've been forced to continue on foot through snake-infested grassland and true to form, my pommy pals are losing it.
What do you think the guy just said? Holy shit! - Oh, my God, right.
- This is fucking mental.
Oh, you absolute BLEEP! 'Freaking them out here is easy.
' Do you know what? I've never felt so alive.
'Luckily, our tour guide Amar has arranged a rendezvous with 'this bloke, Chris Tangey, who is an expert on surviving in the Outback.
' - Whoa! Take five.
- What is it? What's got you? Don't know, looked like a dragonfly.
A dragonfly's perfectly harmless.
No, don't sting at all.
What I like about you, you're very calm.
Yeah, well, comes from years of not panicking.
You've got to be fatalistic out here.
We've got to toughen up a bit, we've got to realise that sometimes you leave on a journey and you don't come back.
That's just the way it is, you know? I believe, I genuinely believe that I am an unlucky person.
I genuinely believe that.
I'm the sort of person it would happen to.
I am the one, I am the one in 30,000 or whatever.
Even the outback insects seem to have got it in for Alex.
Argh! Fuck.
Argh! Fucking hell.
- What happened? - Don't know, something landed on me.
I thought you were trying to scare me.
No, that was me being scared.
You're not the most relaxing companion to sit by a fire with.
Sorry.
- Hey! - Oh, wow.
- Wow.
- Here she is.
This is brilliant.
Well, this is called the Heart of Australia, or the Red Heart.
I think anyone born and bred here has a soft spot for the centre of Australia and probably don't even realise why.
This is the most comfortable I have felt in Australia.
Yeah.
And actually, as it has got dark, it has got less scary.
- There's a certain peace to it, don't you think? - Yeah.
Can you feel the peace? I have never seen this many stars, so that is kind of worth the entrance money alone, isn't it? Yeah, it's nice.
It's very peaceful.
I think it has calmed me down.
I'm not as worried about anything any more.
- Where is it? - Oh, my God! - It's on there.
It's a huntsman.
They are one of the most common spiders in Australia, actually.
- What's to stop it falling on my face during the night? - Nothing.
- Nothing, OK.
- But it probably won't.
See you later! Last time I camped, I had just been to see Olly Murs at V Festival.
- Exactly, awful experiences.
- Yeah.
- Goodnight, Josh.
Goodnight, Alex.
- Goodnight, mate.
- Goodnight, Adam.
Well, I am on top of a three metre rock.
This is my bed for the night and it is one of the best things I have ever done.
It is a new day in the Never Never, which is what us Aussies call this bit of the wilderness.
Alex and Josh might be feeling comfortable now but it is not likely to be for long.
Cue the arrival of our dedicated travel agent, Amar.
He is here to gauge the effect his well-chosen itinerary is having on us.
Left a bit, Amar.
Right a bit, right a bit, right a bit, right a bit.
Right a bit, right a bit.
Whoa! That's a massive termite mound.
You can't just guide him like that! It's not the Crystal Maze! So, how was camping last night? - I thoroughly enjoyed it.
- It was good.
Looking at the stars is pretty cool.
Something I can say I've done now, cos you don't get it in England the same.
We are going to buy him some of those reflective things you can put on the ceiling.
I am going to say both of you guys are starting to look Australian.
- Oh, God.
- Honestly, look at you, Alex.
You have got dirt on your knees, you have got red dust on your shirt.
These flies are doing my nut The flies are comfortably the worst thing of all of it.
The aim for me was to show you guys the real Australia, not the stuff that the tourists do.
But there is going to be some touristy stuff, isn't there? - I think this is only the beginning, Alex, yet.
- Oh, Christ.
Yeah, you have still got quite a bit to go.
I'm not that Australian yet.
After six days on the road in a half-limp Dickmobile, we have actually got another 250 miles to go before we even hit Alice Springs.
We have been camping near Karlu Karlu, commonly known as The Devils Marbles.
These stones are sacred to the native aboriginal people who have lived on this land for over 40,000 years.
The guys were asking, do you think there are aboriginals around here? And it seems like every building around here is part of an aboriginal settlement.
And every sign is about domestic violence.
There is a sign telling you about foetal alcohol spectrum disorder, with an aboriginal baby.
It's actually really distressing.
This is Wow, this is my Australia.
And this is the people that were here for thousands of years before we got here and now the only sign of them in this town is signs of domestic abuse, alcohol abuse and collecting the dole.
I'm I'm not sure why, but it's It is making me really sad.
Let's go.
To expose Alex and Josh to the real Australia, they are going to meet some original Australians - - and I don't mean those descended from a bunch of convicts who got shipped here 200 years ago.
We are en route to Santa Teresa, an aboriginal community 50 miles from Alice Springs.
Amar has hooked us up with Chris Wallace, a mixed-race aboriginal elder.
He also happens to be lead singer and guitarist in Southeast Desert Metal, who lay claim to being the most remote rock band in the world.
Music is one of the best things that can happen in communities, you know? Really? Right.
And are you a heavy metal band? Sort of '80s metal like Black Sabbath, Iron Maiden, - sort of similar - OK.
So, who else is in your band? Erm, my backup vocals, Cedric Ross.
- G'day.
- Derek Hayes is my bass player.
And basically our songs are just more about our history, you know, strong messages about drugs and alcohol, you know? - So that is in your songs, those messages? - Yeah.
- Wow, that's great.
What else are you going to do with music? You know, it's just strong messages.
'Sorry, Alex, no Justin Timberlake covers here.
' Full bogan.
JOSH LAUGHS Oh, shit.
You look like Brendon Burns! You look like you're doing something for your bucket list.
You can feel the fire Burning inside you Do you, day-to-day, suffer from racist abuse? Um, not just me, most probably because of my fair skin, you know.
Yeah.
You know, most probably don't notice that I am part aboriginal, you know? Yeah.
A lot of my darker-skinned family members might get racism.
We spoke to a really, really nice person and they just Matter of fact, they said when you go to Alice Springs, there's white bars and there's aboriginal bars and it's split.
They call it the animal bar, that's what the - What? - That's what they call it.
- They call it the animal bar? - Yeah.
- The whites call it the animal bar? - Yeah, in Alice Springs.
Now someone is telling you you can't walk out over that piece of land because you're not dressed the right way or you don't look the right way, or because we don't think you are the right colour.
- The country is the spirit, you know - Yes.
- of our ancestors, and to a lot of them it's home, you know? - Yeah.
We will never leave home.
Shut up! Don't be racist, all right? He's black and white, his fur.
900 miles into our trip and we are not even halfway.
Amar has decided that if we are ever going to get to Sydney on time we're going to have to fast track things.
We are waiting in a lay-by to get a lift from someone who drives one of these.
They are called a road train and they can weigh a tarmac-munching 200 tonnes.
Skippy wouldn't stand a chance.
But the wait for one to arrive is proving uncomfortable for one of our party.
These fucking flies! I'll be honest with you, though, Amar is one shit booking away from me having a go at him.
I don't care if he's blind, I'll hit a blind man.
- Is this it coming now? - It must be.
'The arrival of granite-faced outback trucker Russ Mcdonagh 'doesn't signal the end of the pain.
'He has a two-pronged approach to boarding a road train.
'Have that, Eurostar!' Oh, my God.
Is he going to forklift our van? This is mental.
- Oh! - I'm pretty sure this wasn't on the insurance form for the car.
What am I doing with my life? Oh, my God.
- There you go, Josh has got the hand going.
- This is horrible.
- And the catchphrase of the tour.
- Argh! None of this is good! We are riding the road train into the capital of the outback, Alice Springs, the first real town we will have hit since Darwin.
And there's no time to stop, not even for our trusty travel guide.
After seven days on a hot, dusty road, we are all in need of some liquid refreshment - Amar included.
So he has arranged for us to share a couple of tinnies with Oz's greatest cultural export.
You can't come to Australia and not meet Harold.
How are you? '1,000 miles into our outback adventure 'and we've finally made it to Alice Springs.
'We're still 2,000 miles away from my grandpa in Sydney, 'but what the hell, 'I think Alex and Josh deserve a break.
'Our tour guide Amar has gone ahead to get the beers in 'and organise a nice surprise.
' If that is who I hope that is - My hand's gone.
- Ah, the hand's gone! The hand is going.
Hello.
- Hello, Josh.
- Lovely to meet you.
This feels - Hi, I'm Alex.
- How are you, Alex? - Pleasure to meet you.
- You can't come to Australia and not meet Harold.
'Neighbours legend Harold Bishop, AKA Ian Smith, 'puts a smile on the boys' faces for the first time in days.
' I've been watching you since I was very small.
I've heard some very sad things about you.
When I was in my teens, I could see back then, and I remember, like, watching you.
I could see you so clearly and I can see you in my mind now.
- I've got a little chubbier.
- Do you think? Who's the strangest that's come up to you and gone, Oh, my God, I can't believe it? Erm Erm Oh, he's dead - George, erm Harrison.
- George Harrison?! - George Harrison?! - Oh, my God! - Wow! - Yeah, it was erm Yeah, George Harrison.
Honestly, mate, you can take Ayers Rock and shove it up your arse.
THIS is Australia! Where am I looking, by the way? Far to the left.
Look as far left as you can.
Yeah, keep going, keep going to the left.
- That's it.
- That's it.
There's a strong streak of a bastard about you.
'Pleasantries over, we're even more behind schedule.
'But Amar has come up with a time-saving solution - - 'get off the road and take to the air.
'Along the way, we're going to take a sightseeing trip over 'Ayers Rock or Uluru, to give it its traditional name.
'The downside is, it's going to be in a very, very small plane.
' We're on our way to the airport and, er, we're about to fly over Uluru.
- Well - I'm not doing it.
Just to be clear, I've just, like - A one, single-engine aircraft, Adam.
- Yeah? I like you, but I'm going to miss you.
On the scale of Mr T, I'm edging towards "Ain't getting on no plane.
" But I'm not I'm not completely out.
I'll decide when I get there.
Have you got any unauthorised weapons? I have no unauthorised weapons, only my sharp wit.
'For Josh and Alex, this little plane ride 'could prove to be a bridge too far.
' - All right, are you Trevor? - Yeah, g'day.
G'day, how are you going? I'm Adam.
- I can't help but notice Amar's in the pilot seat.
- Yep.
You got a good man there.
- - Hi, guys.
- Wow, so you can fly? Yeah, I've flown many times before, so I've flown loads of times, - but I haven't been the one that's in charge of the plane.
- Yeah, don't worry.
When you flew before, was that when you could see? No, no, when I was blind.
You're genuinely not sure about this.
No, I mean, even less so with Amar there.
No offence, Amar.
Well, why don't you sit in it and see how you feel? - All right.
- That's a good idea.
- Good decision, Alex.
I mean, Amar's fucking about with the controls.
I just feel I won't calm down.
I won't be Oh, you'll come down.
- I won't CALM down.
- It's just a matter of how hard you come down! You're not going to end up up there.
I don't know, with Amar, you might end up in space.
OK, just imagine what's going to happen if you now say no on your Twitter feed.
- Look, I don't care if people think I'm a pussy.
- Yeah.
That's how tough you are.
I'm sorry, no.
I'm off.
I'm out.
That's me done.
Fuck it.
- Has Alex just left the plane? - Yeah.
I don't know if this is cos he's English or cos he's just a pussy.
'Yeah, I may have taken that too far.
'Alex and Josh may want out, but I can't pass up this opportunity.
When you reckon we're ready to go and it's all clear, Amar, - just let us know.
- OK.
'I just hope Buddy Holly doesn't start blaring through the speakers.
' A little bit to your right.
- Looks pretty good to me.
- OK.
- You happy? Yep.
- Let's go.
- OK.
- Lift off.
- Yeah, lift off.
- Sorry.
- No, you've got nothing to apologise for.
This whole idea of just The fact that I don't know, if I don't do it then that somehow makes me less of a man.
- That's what I was going to say.
- I don't Maybe I am.
No, you're not less of a man.
There's no such thing.
The way it felt was when I was in hospital and I used to go for, like, an operation, and it was the same fear, the same trepidation, yet for that, I knew it had to be done, that was always the underlying current, I had to do it because it was for the good of the rest of my life.
I don't think flying over a big, red rock is for the good of the rest of my life, and I know that sounds ignorant, but that's just how I feel.
Like, if they said, right, the only way you can get to the Champions League Final - Arsenal are playing - is to go in that No.
- Dennis Bergkamp never flew.
- No, exactly.
- Did anybody think he was less of a man? - No.
No, there's a statue of him outside the bloody Emirates Stadium.
Exactly, he didn't make it to a Champions League Final because he wasn't good enough.
And that's football fans 'Their decision not to trust Amar's flying skills 'means that, instead, Josh and Alex are back on the road, 'facing a hot and sweaty 11-hour drive to our next destination.
' Oh, the rock looks amazing.
'The two boys don't know what they're missing.
' Amar, it's amazing.
It's amazing.
There are just enormous ridges going from one edge of the rock to the other.
It's almost like an enormous heart muscle right in the middle of Australia.
It just gives off so much energy.
It's impossible to do it justice.
I might go quiet, for a little bit, Amar, because the one thing I didn't tell you is I get terribly motion sick.
'Yeah, Josh and Alex might have had the right idea after all.
' Uluru, Ayers Rock.
Fuck that.
'Meanwhile, 400 miles down the road, I'm coming back down to Earth' Whoa, whoa.
Oh, my God, what's happening? Oh, shit! '.
.
With a bump.
' It turns out copilot Trevor is an expert when it comes to comedy landings.
Here you go, guys.
Welcome to the middle of nowhere, Coober Pedy.
I spent most of the flight making a little present for you.
Put your hand out.
Here you go.
Oh, no, disgusting! 'We've only got seven days left to get to Sydney 'in time for my grandpa's party.
' Come on! 'And along the way, things are going to get even more Australian.
' If you've lost one finger, you've still got nine.
That's what I did.
I've never felt more of a man.
You look like one of the Village People.
We got a pig.
With Josh Widdicombe and Alex Brooker, we are The Last Leg.
Oooh! You'd better not start doing that to me.
For the last four years we've taken the piss out of anyone who's deserved it.
I think we can all agree, Rupert Murdoch is a massive fuck-knuckle.
And along the way, these two have ripped the piss out of me and my home country of Australia.
- They recently released data about a - I'm sorry, if you're going to come over here and call me a data, mate 'Now I'm going to get my own back.
' I've invited them to accompany me on a trip down under to meet someone special - my 97-year-old Aussie grandpa in Sydney.
But what they don't know is that this is going to be a 3,000-mile white-knuckle ride, involving the worst the Aussie outback has to throw at them.
SNARLING - Oh, my God.
Agh! Agh! - Holy shit! - Agh!! None of this is good! To help give the boys an experience they'll never forget I've enlisted the skills of the ultimate adventure travel agent, Amar Latif.
A man who's spent a decade helping disabled people experience things others wouldn't dare.
Together we're going to create the toughest road trip imaginable.
We've got just over two weeks to cross the continent in time for a party in honour of my Grandpa.
But before we reach Bondi and the Harbour Bridge, will two soft Poms like Josh and Alex survive the real Australia? - Come on, fellas, hurry up, would ya? - All right, Josh, you film.
G'day, Grandad.
It's Adam here.
With Alex and Josh from The Last Leg.
And I'm going to bring them for a visit if that's all right.
We're on our way.
- Put the beers on ice.
- This better be worth it.
As the boys are for ever reminding me, I'm a softcock from Sydney's comfortable southern suburbs.
But I want them to see the real Australia, so our journey has to begin in hot and humid Darwin in the Northern Territory.
From here we'll take a 3,000-mile road trip through the outback to Sydney.
Darwin's tropical climate can turn unsuspecting visitors doolally, or, as they say round these parts, tropo.
Here's hoping.
Well parked! 30 hours of travelling and The Last Leg made it to Darwin.
- Alex Brooker! - How many legs have you brought? I've got one in there and none in there and one on.
I got some smart stuff, I've got five pairs of trainers.
Five pairs of trainers? You've only got one foot.
Baggage niceties over, it's time to meet the man helping to organise our trip.
- Is that Adam? - Yes, it is indeed.
- Adam, nice to meet you.
- How are you doing? - I'm all right, how are you? - Good, thanks.
- Hi, I'm Josh.
- Hi, Josh.
Nice to meet you.
- Hello, mate! - Hi, Alex.
How are you doing? You're on holiday now.
So you can just relax.
- We are safe in your hands.
- You're absolutely safe in my hands.
Despite what Amar is telling the boys now, this journey is going to be anything but safe.
- I've got your transportation and you shouldn't be able to miss it.
- OK.
Oh, my God, it is so hot.
This is the most unpleasant weather I've ever experienced.
- Is it the massive orange campervan in front of us? - Yeah.
I went to the length of putting you a slogan on.
Do you like it? Are you serious? Oh, Jesus wept.
Our slogan is "Don't be a Dick".
- Brilliant.
- You've got a van with Be a Dick painted all over it! It says Dickmobile on front.
- Shall we get going? - This is where the holiday begins.
- Oh, I heard that! - Here we go! - Have a safe journey! - We will do.
- Mind the hand there.
- It's so hot.
- It's unbearable.
Locked in a sweaty van with two unsuspecting Brits, our epic road trip is about to begin.
This type of van, tourists who come to Australia hire them out.
Often they have horrible misogynist stuff written on the side, like a woman fellating a sandwich with "Suckaway" instead of Subway written on it.
LAUGHTER - Of course YOU find that funny! - I'd rather that than this.
Before we hit the open road, Amar has arranged a quick detour.
Darwin is the croc capital of Australia, so it's the perfect opportunity to unnerve the boys by hunting down some Australia maneaters.
This is the closest you're ever going to get to Jurassic World, - Alex.
- I don't even like this bit.
- No, this bit's horrible.
It's 6am and we're down at Darwin Harbour with patrol rangers Tommy and Danny.
Is this what we're in? There's a croc in there at the same time? - There's no croc in there now, but there will be.
- Bloody hell! The Northern Territory has over 100,000 salties.
The good news is they only eat a person every three months.
The bad news is it's been four months.
Croc patrols trap about 300 of these creatures a year.
If they're big, they go off to become visitor attractions.
If they're small, gourmet steaks and luxury handbags.
- Oh, my God! - He is absolutely livid.
OK, what we're going to do is bring his head out first.
That'll be taped up.
The zip tie will be tightened up and taped up with some duct tape.
Then we'll sex it.
What a horrible way to be sexed - tied up, blindfolded, boom.
Some people pay 100 quid for that in Soho.
OK, you can get the gear ready here.
I've just noticed that you've lost two fingers on your hand.
Yeah, I lost that about 12 years ago.
That was through a croc, yeah.
- He spun and then he ripped it all off.
- Ohh! Two fingers and the middle of the hand.
Do you mind if I steal your crocodile hands story to mess about with people at home? OK, we'll sex it.
Do you want to have a go? Am I about to stick my pinkie in a crocodile's bum? 'The Brits seem reluctant and, to be honest, so does the crocodile.
'But to hell with it.
The things I do for showbiz.
' - OK, here we go.
Come on, straight in there.
- Ohh! - What am I feeling for? - You'll feel a bit of a stem.
Are you taking the piss? Is this really necessary? Are you going to look at me and go, We were just kidding.
He's got a penis.
- It's a female.
- OK, the next croc will be a little bit bigger.
What, there's more than one? 'This is 3.
5 metres and 200 kilos of seriously pissed-off croc.
' There is no way you're going to put a finger in this one's arse.
There is no way, surely.
You want to give us a pull? Yeah, go on, then.
I'm an observational comedian! One, two, three.
Oh, my God.
This is Oh, my God.
- OK, jab it now.
- Yup.
- Keep the pressure on that.
- Yup.
OK, you can leave the gate up.
Keep pulling, pulling! Pull! We're doing it! - You can come close and have a look if you want to.
- Um I mean, it's a lovely offer, Tom I like to get it in the wider context of nature.
- Just have to sex it.
- Oh, my God.
- Lick it.
- I used a pinky last time! - So you'll feel, like, a bit of a stem.
- Oh, hello! Is this happening?! Am I having a lucid dream? Yeah, yeah, that's definitely a bloke.
Yeah, right.
Now I realise what I wasn't finding last time.
OK, come on.
Just watch that rope there.
OK, if you want to get photos, touch him.
- Touch him.
You've got to touch this one.
- I haven't got to do anything! Honestly, this is probably the only chance of your life.
It's the only chance in MY life and I live here.
And I'm going to get to touch a 3.
5-metre croc.
But that sounds like an opportunity that I've been waiting for(!) Holding hands with a crocodile.
Fucking hell! I don't like it.
Come on.
Shh! The more you try and make me do it, the less I want to do it.
I mean, that's not helpful! Do you want me to take you in there and put your hand on his? - That'll do! - Oh, come on! - Did it! Did it! This is my Jurassic Park moment.
Fuck that! Alex and Josh may have survived their first encounter with the indigenous wildlife but just around the corner they are about to meet some more alarming leathery creatures.
Oh, my fucking God.
Jesus.
'One Aussie, two poms, 'a van known as the Dickmobile 'and just over two weeks to cover 3,000 miles 'to get to a party for my 97-year-old grandad.
' We're driving across Australia.
It's going to take, like, 16 hours to get from one town to the next.
From here to Sydney? No.
Oh, God, no.
Jesus.
Here to Sydney is like, 50 hours.
What the fuck? - Yeah.
- What? What are we doing, then? 'What Josh and Alex don't know is that my expert travel agent, Amar, 'has arranged the outback journey from hell.
'We're not out of Darwin yet 'and things are about to get even more scary.
'Darwin has the highest crime rate in Oz, 'and you're five times more likely 'to end up in a body bag here than in the UK.
' Oh, my fucking God.
Jesus.
'Surprisingly, though, it's nothing to do with this bunch, 'local biker gang The Heretics.
'This is their favourite watering hole.
' Hi, I'm Josh.
- Tiny.
- Good name.
I think so.
- Who are you? - I'm Alex.
Alex.
Oh, sorry, man.
Don't apologise, mate.
These are the only reason I'm on this show.
- This here's my mate Josh.
- Alex.
- How often do you? - This is Josh.
You're Alex.
- I'm Alex.
- I'll mess up your hair.
- Don't worry about it.
"- I don't worry about anything.
I'm 6'4" and 140 kilos.
I can do what I want.
'I'll tell you what, if he messes Alex's hair up one more time, 'we will do absolutely nothing about it.
' - We're not rebels like Hells Angels.
- Right.
What's the difference between what they do and what you do? - Well, they dabble in illegal ways of making money - Right.
and we run a pissy bar.
'Well, glad we cleared that up.
' Right, here we go.
What do you call that? A beer spritz? It's called a turbo shandy.
- Cheers.
And then we down it.
Ready? Go.
- Cheers.
Oh, shit.
Where were you, son? Where did it go? Where did it go? 'Next, it's the evening's real entertainment' The world's funniest Australian is this guy over here.
It certainly ain't you, pal.
'.
.
A comic who should come with a government health warning - - 'Kevin Bloody Wilson.
' Have a fucking look at you lot.
'He's the Australian answer to Roy Chubby Brown.
' Talking about the stuff that old hookers talk about Like the size of an average dick When one of them said Biggest dick I ever seen "Belonged to a local kid" And his cock's got ribs You should see the fucking thing And you should see the bell end on that Probably the biker bar, for me, it felt like they were the macho bullies at school.
I always feel a lot more comfortable around people when they talk about my disability, like, face-on.
Apparently Prince Charles had a Kevin Bloody Wilson cassette in his car.
I'll bet you Prince Philip bloody did.
'We're now leaving Darwin and hitting the open road, 'and there's a hell of a lot of it, 'heading south towards the capital of the outback, 'Alice Springs.
' Did you see the signs here? Do you know how far from Alice Springs we actually are? 100 miles? We are 1,400km from Alice Springs.
Jesus wept.
It must be so easy to pass your driving test out here.
Just drive straight for a little bit.
That's all you're going to ever have to do.
- I mean, we haven't gone past a turning yet, have we? - No.
'This is not a journey to be made on an empty stomach, 'but the only restaurant for miles is here, 'a remote outback settlement 'that's hardly changed in the last 100 years.
'I'm about to give my pommy pals a taste of the real Australia.
' We are pulling into the pub at Daly Waters.
I'm hoping it's going to be a proper outback breakfast.
I'm hoping it will be granola, yoghurt and a soy latte.
No shirt, no service? - This looks like brown sauce, doesn't it? - Ketchup? - Don't know.
- Wait, can I just have a look at your breakfast? - So, there's these big bits of toast.
- Yeah? - Look at that - that's a steak! - That's a steak! I'm getting so fat out here, it's insane.
- Look at that little bit of carrot.
- Five a day.
I hope I like this sauce.
So this place seems to have developed a reputation for people coming in on their travels around Australia and just putting underwear on the ceiling.
Do you want to put your pants up here? - Yes.
- I'm quite proud.
There it is.
For everyone that comes to the Daly Waters pub from now on, look up above the fan.
Those pants up there The worst thing is that fan is now circulating the smell of Alex's pants around the bar.
'Four days into our journey 'and we're still in The Northern Territory.
'It's five-and-a-half times the size of the UK 'but with a population smaller than Norwich.
'But whilst it may lack people, 'it doesn't lack cows.
'There's seven for every human, 'and a fair few of them are at our next stop - a cattle station.
'The perfect location to test the boys' mettle 'after their previous bruising encounter with the local wildlife.
'Especially Josh, who's a vegetarian.
' Here we go.
A bit of off-roading.
We're going to get dirty, aren't we? Great.
Proper red Australian dust.
'Here, our tour guide, Amar, 'has arranged for us to meet a real-life cowboy 'who's actually a woman called Shona, 'and a jillaroo, as they're known around here.
' Hi.
Nice to meet you.
- Hello, I'm Alex.
- Hi, Alex.
How are you? - I'm Josh.
Nice to meet you.
- Hi, Josh.
- How's it going? So, these cattle have come from the Queensland Gulf.
- There's 2,000.
- 2,000?! And they're getting trucked this afternoon - and they'll go on a ship to Indonesia.
- Bloody hell.
- Yeah.
And then they'll be made into bakso balls.
- It's like little meatballs.
- They're not aware of that though, are they? They won't be thinking, "I'll probably end up as a bakso ball.
" I don't know, the look on some of their faces, I think they know.
- Be careful, because there might be some wild ones in here.
- OK.
- So be ready to run and climb if you need to.
- Are you joking? No, I'm serious.
This is dangerous.
If they all go at once, they've got the jump on us.
Also, they've got nothing to live for.
This is it, one last job.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Go on, guys.
Some of us have got to be in Alice Springs.
- No.
Other way.
- Come on, come on.
Whoa! Oh, my God.
Just back up a bit.
Just back the pressure off.
I've turned my back.
Josh, I literally just - Don't turn your back! - Just stand still.
- They just need a bit of space.
- You turned your back on all of them.
It's like when you get on the Tube and you're trying to get the last seat.
Oh! He's cutting.
No, no, no, no, no.
One at a time! Single file.
It's just, the thing is, they are racing to go and have their throats cut.
- It's pretty brutal, isn't it? - I don't like it.
- It's really brutal.
- It's really horrible.
'Shona's not impressed, and neither am I.
'The boys are soft as bakso balls.
' Oh, shit.
Fuck.
Can you get that bit of sun cream off my shoulder, please? Don't rub it in cos it'll look like somebody's jizzed on me.
Adam's adopting more and more manly Australian poses as we travel around.
He is, isn't he? It's quite unsettling, I think.
He is trying to be an Australian.
He's worried that he's not an Australian.
You know what kills more people in the outback every year than any other animal? English tourists.
Basically, like, you're a fanny, mate.
Just accept that.
- You live in Crouch End.
- Yeah.
I'm honestly less scared of snakes, spiders and bugs than I am that one of these two is going to get me killed out here in the just dumbest fashion ever.
- You're going to respray our van? - I am.
- It's not that you can't be a dick.
- Yeah.
- It's you can't be a pussy.
There's no excuses for being weak, being tired, having emotions.
No excuses for having emotions.
No.
No, people don't have time for that.
In the Territory, we have a saying called "harden up".
Or "harden the fuck up".
- I'm not sure that's a saying.
- Yeah, it is.
It is now.
So here we go.
Don't be a pussy.
I understand the sentiment but I can't imagine, like, that I'm going to go home as some kind of, you know, Merv Hughes figure.
Go home really solid.
- Oh, that's great.
- Yeah, that's it.
Now it's fixed.
I still can't get over the overwhelming need to use a baby wipe to kind of clean my face at the moment.
'Although our journey gives me the excuse 'to have some fun at the expense of my two mates, 'for me, it's also the chance 'for a family reunion, 'with a man who's got more balls than the three of us put together.
' The thing is, boys, we're going to go and see my grandad in Sydney.
And I could tell you about him or I could just show you a video I made of him for his 90th birthday.
- Yes, please.
- Yes, please.
- Do you want me to hold this? - Yeah.
- 'This is Pa, this is his car.
' - When would this have been, Adam? - Seven years ago.
- He looks good for 90, doesn't he? - He really does.
Well, I suppose he's 97 now, so obviously He was a tram conductor in Sydney.
He served in World War II.
That's a man who's worked - those hands.
Yeah.
He grew up under the Sydney Harbour Bridge - as it was being built.
- Incredible.
Rockin' all over the world - That was great.
- Yeah, he's a good one.
- So, did you edit that yourself? - I did.
- Excellent work.
- A bit amateurish in places 'We're ever deeper into the outback 'but still hundreds of miles from Alice Springs, 'and there's no time to waste with a detour to a five-star hotel.
'Josh and Alex always say they like a night out.
'Well, they're about to get one.
' - You know we are camping tonight? - I'm terrible.
Anything that flies, anything that lives that isn't human, I'm terrible with.
'There's only ten venomous snakes out here 'that could actually kill you, 'the worst being the brown, the mulga 'and the particularly unpleasant death adder.
'Our tour guide, Amar, has taken pity on us and 'organised a wilderness expert to help keep us alive.
'All we've got to do is find him before it gets dark.
'Unfortunately, Alex is driving.
' OK, go forward, spin around that way.
Jesus.
Oh, fuck it.
- My guess is that's probably part of the car.
- Shit.
'So, Alex has totalled the van on a termite mound, 'the sun's going down, and we're deep in snake territory.
'Still, with our prosthetic legs, 'there's only a 50% chance we'll suffer a fatal bite.
'If I was Josh, I'd hop.
' So, fuck it.
We do it the Australian way.
We harden up, we man up and we just walk across.
What about snakes? - You'll be fine.
Just watch where you walk.
- What the fuck? - Nothing's going to come out.
- Really? A snake will only bite you if you tread on it.
What if I tread on it? Don't tread on it.
Stomp your feet, the guide just said.
- Holy shit! - Oh, my God.
With just ten days left to get to Sydney in time for my grandpa's party, we're still 2,000 miles from our final destination.
We've been forced to continue on foot through snake-infested grassland and true to form, my pommy pals are losing it.
What do you think the guy just said? Holy shit! - Oh, my God, right.
- This is fucking mental.
Oh, you absolute BLEEP! 'Freaking them out here is easy.
' Do you know what? I've never felt so alive.
'Luckily, our tour guide Amar has arranged a rendezvous with 'this bloke, Chris Tangey, who is an expert on surviving in the Outback.
' - Whoa! Take five.
- What is it? What's got you? Don't know, looked like a dragonfly.
A dragonfly's perfectly harmless.
No, don't sting at all.
What I like about you, you're very calm.
Yeah, well, comes from years of not panicking.
You've got to be fatalistic out here.
We've got to toughen up a bit, we've got to realise that sometimes you leave on a journey and you don't come back.
That's just the way it is, you know? I believe, I genuinely believe that I am an unlucky person.
I genuinely believe that.
I'm the sort of person it would happen to.
I am the one, I am the one in 30,000 or whatever.
Even the outback insects seem to have got it in for Alex.
Argh! Fuck.
Argh! Fucking hell.
- What happened? - Don't know, something landed on me.
I thought you were trying to scare me.
No, that was me being scared.
You're not the most relaxing companion to sit by a fire with.
Sorry.
- Hey! - Oh, wow.
- Wow.
- Here she is.
This is brilliant.
Well, this is called the Heart of Australia, or the Red Heart.
I think anyone born and bred here has a soft spot for the centre of Australia and probably don't even realise why.
This is the most comfortable I have felt in Australia.
Yeah.
And actually, as it has got dark, it has got less scary.
- There's a certain peace to it, don't you think? - Yeah.
Can you feel the peace? I have never seen this many stars, so that is kind of worth the entrance money alone, isn't it? Yeah, it's nice.
It's very peaceful.
I think it has calmed me down.
I'm not as worried about anything any more.
- Where is it? - Oh, my God! - It's on there.
It's a huntsman.
They are one of the most common spiders in Australia, actually.
- What's to stop it falling on my face during the night? - Nothing.
- Nothing, OK.
- But it probably won't.
See you later! Last time I camped, I had just been to see Olly Murs at V Festival.
- Exactly, awful experiences.
- Yeah.
- Goodnight, Josh.
Goodnight, Alex.
- Goodnight, mate.
- Goodnight, Adam.
Well, I am on top of a three metre rock.
This is my bed for the night and it is one of the best things I have ever done.
It is a new day in the Never Never, which is what us Aussies call this bit of the wilderness.
Alex and Josh might be feeling comfortable now but it is not likely to be for long.
Cue the arrival of our dedicated travel agent, Amar.
He is here to gauge the effect his well-chosen itinerary is having on us.
Left a bit, Amar.
Right a bit, right a bit, right a bit, right a bit.
Right a bit, right a bit.
Whoa! That's a massive termite mound.
You can't just guide him like that! It's not the Crystal Maze! So, how was camping last night? - I thoroughly enjoyed it.
- It was good.
Looking at the stars is pretty cool.
Something I can say I've done now, cos you don't get it in England the same.
We are going to buy him some of those reflective things you can put on the ceiling.
I am going to say both of you guys are starting to look Australian.
- Oh, God.
- Honestly, look at you, Alex.
You have got dirt on your knees, you have got red dust on your shirt.
These flies are doing my nut The flies are comfortably the worst thing of all of it.
The aim for me was to show you guys the real Australia, not the stuff that the tourists do.
But there is going to be some touristy stuff, isn't there? - I think this is only the beginning, Alex, yet.
- Oh, Christ.
Yeah, you have still got quite a bit to go.
I'm not that Australian yet.
After six days on the road in a half-limp Dickmobile, we have actually got another 250 miles to go before we even hit Alice Springs.
We have been camping near Karlu Karlu, commonly known as The Devils Marbles.
These stones are sacred to the native aboriginal people who have lived on this land for over 40,000 years.
The guys were asking, do you think there are aboriginals around here? And it seems like every building around here is part of an aboriginal settlement.
And every sign is about domestic violence.
There is a sign telling you about foetal alcohol spectrum disorder, with an aboriginal baby.
It's actually really distressing.
This is Wow, this is my Australia.
And this is the people that were here for thousands of years before we got here and now the only sign of them in this town is signs of domestic abuse, alcohol abuse and collecting the dole.
I'm I'm not sure why, but it's It is making me really sad.
Let's go.
To expose Alex and Josh to the real Australia, they are going to meet some original Australians - - and I don't mean those descended from a bunch of convicts who got shipped here 200 years ago.
We are en route to Santa Teresa, an aboriginal community 50 miles from Alice Springs.
Amar has hooked us up with Chris Wallace, a mixed-race aboriginal elder.
He also happens to be lead singer and guitarist in Southeast Desert Metal, who lay claim to being the most remote rock band in the world.
Music is one of the best things that can happen in communities, you know? Really? Right.
And are you a heavy metal band? Sort of '80s metal like Black Sabbath, Iron Maiden, - sort of similar - OK.
So, who else is in your band? Erm, my backup vocals, Cedric Ross.
- G'day.
- Derek Hayes is my bass player.
And basically our songs are just more about our history, you know, strong messages about drugs and alcohol, you know? - So that is in your songs, those messages? - Yeah.
- Wow, that's great.
What else are you going to do with music? You know, it's just strong messages.
'Sorry, Alex, no Justin Timberlake covers here.
' Full bogan.
JOSH LAUGHS Oh, shit.
You look like Brendon Burns! You look like you're doing something for your bucket list.
You can feel the fire Burning inside you Do you, day-to-day, suffer from racist abuse? Um, not just me, most probably because of my fair skin, you know.
Yeah.
You know, most probably don't notice that I am part aboriginal, you know? Yeah.
A lot of my darker-skinned family members might get racism.
We spoke to a really, really nice person and they just Matter of fact, they said when you go to Alice Springs, there's white bars and there's aboriginal bars and it's split.
They call it the animal bar, that's what the - What? - That's what they call it.
- They call it the animal bar? - Yeah.
- The whites call it the animal bar? - Yeah, in Alice Springs.
Now someone is telling you you can't walk out over that piece of land because you're not dressed the right way or you don't look the right way, or because we don't think you are the right colour.
- The country is the spirit, you know - Yes.
- of our ancestors, and to a lot of them it's home, you know? - Yeah.
We will never leave home.
Shut up! Don't be racist, all right? He's black and white, his fur.
900 miles into our trip and we are not even halfway.
Amar has decided that if we are ever going to get to Sydney on time we're going to have to fast track things.
We are waiting in a lay-by to get a lift from someone who drives one of these.
They are called a road train and they can weigh a tarmac-munching 200 tonnes.
Skippy wouldn't stand a chance.
But the wait for one to arrive is proving uncomfortable for one of our party.
These fucking flies! I'll be honest with you, though, Amar is one shit booking away from me having a go at him.
I don't care if he's blind, I'll hit a blind man.
- Is this it coming now? - It must be.
'The arrival of granite-faced outback trucker Russ Mcdonagh 'doesn't signal the end of the pain.
'He has a two-pronged approach to boarding a road train.
'Have that, Eurostar!' Oh, my God.
Is he going to forklift our van? This is mental.
- Oh! - I'm pretty sure this wasn't on the insurance form for the car.
What am I doing with my life? Oh, my God.
- There you go, Josh has got the hand going.
- This is horrible.
- And the catchphrase of the tour.
- Argh! None of this is good! We are riding the road train into the capital of the outback, Alice Springs, the first real town we will have hit since Darwin.
And there's no time to stop, not even for our trusty travel guide.
After seven days on a hot, dusty road, we are all in need of some liquid refreshment - Amar included.
So he has arranged for us to share a couple of tinnies with Oz's greatest cultural export.
You can't come to Australia and not meet Harold.
How are you? '1,000 miles into our outback adventure 'and we've finally made it to Alice Springs.
'We're still 2,000 miles away from my grandpa in Sydney, 'but what the hell, 'I think Alex and Josh deserve a break.
'Our tour guide Amar has gone ahead to get the beers in 'and organise a nice surprise.
' If that is who I hope that is - My hand's gone.
- Ah, the hand's gone! The hand is going.
Hello.
- Hello, Josh.
- Lovely to meet you.
This feels - Hi, I'm Alex.
- How are you, Alex? - Pleasure to meet you.
- You can't come to Australia and not meet Harold.
'Neighbours legend Harold Bishop, AKA Ian Smith, 'puts a smile on the boys' faces for the first time in days.
' I've been watching you since I was very small.
I've heard some very sad things about you.
When I was in my teens, I could see back then, and I remember, like, watching you.
I could see you so clearly and I can see you in my mind now.
- I've got a little chubbier.
- Do you think? Who's the strangest that's come up to you and gone, Oh, my God, I can't believe it? Erm Erm Oh, he's dead - George, erm Harrison.
- George Harrison?! - George Harrison?! - Oh, my God! - Wow! - Yeah, it was erm Yeah, George Harrison.
Honestly, mate, you can take Ayers Rock and shove it up your arse.
THIS is Australia! Where am I looking, by the way? Far to the left.
Look as far left as you can.
Yeah, keep going, keep going to the left.
- That's it.
- That's it.
There's a strong streak of a bastard about you.
'Pleasantries over, we're even more behind schedule.
'But Amar has come up with a time-saving solution - - 'get off the road and take to the air.
'Along the way, we're going to take a sightseeing trip over 'Ayers Rock or Uluru, to give it its traditional name.
'The downside is, it's going to be in a very, very small plane.
' We're on our way to the airport and, er, we're about to fly over Uluru.
- Well - I'm not doing it.
Just to be clear, I've just, like - A one, single-engine aircraft, Adam.
- Yeah? I like you, but I'm going to miss you.
On the scale of Mr T, I'm edging towards "Ain't getting on no plane.
" But I'm not I'm not completely out.
I'll decide when I get there.
Have you got any unauthorised weapons? I have no unauthorised weapons, only my sharp wit.
'For Josh and Alex, this little plane ride 'could prove to be a bridge too far.
' - All right, are you Trevor? - Yeah, g'day.
G'day, how are you going? I'm Adam.
- I can't help but notice Amar's in the pilot seat.
- Yep.
You got a good man there.
- - Hi, guys.
- Wow, so you can fly? Yeah, I've flown many times before, so I've flown loads of times, - but I haven't been the one that's in charge of the plane.
- Yeah, don't worry.
When you flew before, was that when you could see? No, no, when I was blind.
You're genuinely not sure about this.
No, I mean, even less so with Amar there.
No offence, Amar.
Well, why don't you sit in it and see how you feel? - All right.
- That's a good idea.
- Good decision, Alex.
I mean, Amar's fucking about with the controls.
I just feel I won't calm down.
I won't be Oh, you'll come down.
- I won't CALM down.
- It's just a matter of how hard you come down! You're not going to end up up there.
I don't know, with Amar, you might end up in space.
OK, just imagine what's going to happen if you now say no on your Twitter feed.
- Look, I don't care if people think I'm a pussy.
- Yeah.
That's how tough you are.
I'm sorry, no.
I'm off.
I'm out.
That's me done.
Fuck it.
- Has Alex just left the plane? - Yeah.
I don't know if this is cos he's English or cos he's just a pussy.
'Yeah, I may have taken that too far.
'Alex and Josh may want out, but I can't pass up this opportunity.
When you reckon we're ready to go and it's all clear, Amar, - just let us know.
- OK.
'I just hope Buddy Holly doesn't start blaring through the speakers.
' A little bit to your right.
- Looks pretty good to me.
- OK.
- You happy? Yep.
- Let's go.
- OK.
- Lift off.
- Yeah, lift off.
- Sorry.
- No, you've got nothing to apologise for.
This whole idea of just The fact that I don't know, if I don't do it then that somehow makes me less of a man.
- That's what I was going to say.
- I don't Maybe I am.
No, you're not less of a man.
There's no such thing.
The way it felt was when I was in hospital and I used to go for, like, an operation, and it was the same fear, the same trepidation, yet for that, I knew it had to be done, that was always the underlying current, I had to do it because it was for the good of the rest of my life.
I don't think flying over a big, red rock is for the good of the rest of my life, and I know that sounds ignorant, but that's just how I feel.
Like, if they said, right, the only way you can get to the Champions League Final - Arsenal are playing - is to go in that No.
- Dennis Bergkamp never flew.
- No, exactly.
- Did anybody think he was less of a man? - No.
No, there's a statue of him outside the bloody Emirates Stadium.
Exactly, he didn't make it to a Champions League Final because he wasn't good enough.
And that's football fans 'Their decision not to trust Amar's flying skills 'means that, instead, Josh and Alex are back on the road, 'facing a hot and sweaty 11-hour drive to our next destination.
' Oh, the rock looks amazing.
'The two boys don't know what they're missing.
' Amar, it's amazing.
It's amazing.
There are just enormous ridges going from one edge of the rock to the other.
It's almost like an enormous heart muscle right in the middle of Australia.
It just gives off so much energy.
It's impossible to do it justice.
I might go quiet, for a little bit, Amar, because the one thing I didn't tell you is I get terribly motion sick.
'Yeah, Josh and Alex might have had the right idea after all.
' Uluru, Ayers Rock.
Fuck that.
'Meanwhile, 400 miles down the road, I'm coming back down to Earth' Whoa, whoa.
Oh, my God, what's happening? Oh, shit! '.
.
With a bump.
' It turns out copilot Trevor is an expert when it comes to comedy landings.
Here you go, guys.
Welcome to the middle of nowhere, Coober Pedy.
I spent most of the flight making a little present for you.
Put your hand out.
Here you go.
Oh, no, disgusting! 'We've only got seven days left to get to Sydney 'in time for my grandpa's party.
' Come on! 'And along the way, things are going to get even more Australian.
' If you've lost one finger, you've still got nine.
That's what I did.
I've never felt more of a man.
You look like one of the Village People.
We got a pig.