The League s01e01 Episode Script

Gentlemen, let's just take a moment here to celebrate something that I think we can all agree is a truly amazing thing.
And that is me.
As your current champion and three-time winner I would like to welcome each and every one of you to this fifth season of The League.
I love playing with you guys.
It's not just that you lose.
It's that you try so hard, and you still lose.
Daddy's friends think they're gonna go balls-deep in him but he's gonna go balls-deep in them.
Yes, he is.
And then you make these terrible bets that end up biting you in the ass when you do lose, Kevin.
Oh, dear God.
It's humiliating.
I know.
We gotta win this year.
- Yeah, you have to listen to me.
- I will.
I promise, okay? So let's talk schedule.
Call Taco and tell him that The League has actually started.
Oh, you found it.
Awesome.
Come to Papa.
I have a mental erection.
Oh, and lest I forget, the draft which is gonna be at Andre's swanky new downtown loft.
Andre, we don't care how much money you make.
You're still the same sweet, gullible little suck-tard that we tricked into this.
- Eagle looks cool, right? Oh, it looks awesome.
So happy you guys are here.
I love you guys.
You're the best.
- You guys are getting one too, right? Yeah, I'm up next.
God bless Fantasy Football.
There are many things a man can do with his time.
And this is better than those things.
- Are you sick? - Hey, how's it going? No, I just I had, like, a half day, and I was just getting some stuff done here.
What's that? What's that? That is just a little quick video chat I was having.
Fantasy Football.
It's like faux football, by the way, "fake.
" Shit.
Kevin.
Ready for this thing? Kevin.
Ready for this thing? I'm impressed with you this season.
You made it seven Eight minutes, actually, before you threw in the towel.
- I'm impressed.
- Bullshit.
- I'm doing the work this year, okay? Heh, heh, heh.
Yeah, I may even fly out to some, you know, mini-camps.
How about that? Ever think about that? I'm ready to go.
You ready? What was that? What was that noise? - What? - The sound of swirling water.
- A flush.
- Are you in the bathroom? Yeah, I'm in the bathroom.
What's the big deal? Not sure I appreciate being associated with bathroom time.
This is the only time I get to myself.
- Is this a common occurrence? - Yeah.
That conversation we had about whether Meegan and I were gonna get married? - Toilet.
- What about when I thought I might wanna leave my job? - Porta Potty.
- Porta Potty? That day was weird.
We were doing construction on the house.
The reason I'm calling is because I gotta let you know that Jenny and I are gonna try to have another kid.
No.
No.
Thank you so much for the warm tidings.
Dude, you do not understand, okay? We had a massive blow-up over the kid situation.
This has far-reaching implications.
I'm gonna get buried underneath this.
Sucks to be you, champion.
Gotta go.
You suck.
See you Sunday.
Love you.
Hey, Meegan? Have you seen my lucky draft shirt? Mm-mm.
I haven't seen it.
- You sure? - What? What are you saying? Do you think I threw it away? No, just asking.
Sorry.
You were on phone with Kevin for a long time.
Yeah.
We were just catching up a little bit.
How's Jenny? - She's good.
- Hm.
Anything new? Same old, same old, you know.
Not much really changes over there, so, yeah.
Really? - Whoa.
I think something's changing.
Hi.
- Hi.
Hi.
Give it, give it up.
Give me What? Give me a shot at this.
Give me a shot at this.
- Okay.
Oh, I don't mind it rough.
This is This is nice.
Nice and slow.
- Nice and really slow.
I like that.
Mm-hm.
- You're massaging the back.
Yeah.
You like that? Unh.
- Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
That's a finger.
Just the tip.
- You can't The tip is already too much.
- Just pull it out because I don't like Unh.
No.
- Just the tip.
No, I don't like the tip.
I'm the boss.
I'm the boss.
- Not okay.
Whoa.
- Oh, no, no, no.
No, don't move, don't move! Oh, fingers.
Not okay, not okay.
- Don't move! Don't move! Oh, my God.
Holy.
- That was amazing.
- Okay.
Yeah.
Good show, old boy.
- Look at you.
Hi.
Great party.
I think Ellie's got the same bow on today.
Oh, well, they match.
She's right there.
- Okay, thanks.
- Glad you made it.
I know it's early.
- Anytime, my brother.
Thank you.
Hey, Tac.
- She's growing up.
She is.
What's she, like 9 now? - Nope.
- Nope.
She's 5, Taco.
- Oh.
She's so advanced right now, though.
She is counting.
She's spelling, words.
It's incredible.
I can see that.
Yeah.
- She's quite the wordsmith.
She's great.
Hey, guess what I did yesterday.
You got stoned and watched a movie.
- Yeah, Total Recall.
Twice.
How'd I know? But on top of that, I wrote Ellie a birthday song.
- No, no.
You did? I did, I did.
I told you not to do that.
- You didn't have to do it again.
- It's awesome.
Thank you so much, Taco.
- That's really sweet, Taco.
Pete's here.
Hold it.
Oh, my God.
- Whoa.
- Make way, make way, make way.
- Pete.
- You really stepped up.
- Holy cow.
It's just a little something I picked up on the way.
It's nothing big at all.
That's - Behold, the Shiva.
Redux, by the way.
With some new and improved elements.
I've had her so long, I should do something.
We've got the 2008 champion, Pete Eckhart.
Two thousand and seven champion Pete Eckhart.
It looks good.
I think it should stay right there.
If we're gonna talk football, I should talk to Jenny because that's - Talk to me? I'm an observer.
Exactly.
You keep insinuating that she runs my team.
- She doesn't run my team.
Nothing to do with it.
Then you really need to sack up this year and do it for If not for yourself, for your family.
I want it so bad.
Look at it.
It's so strong.
You ever had sex with a trophy before? No.
But I can't wait, because I will.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
- This year, it's gonna be in my house.
- Really? It's gonna be mine.
And I'm gonna get all your sloppy seconds.
I'm gonna suck it.
I'm gonna dry hump it.
- I'm gonna blow it.
Okay, that's enough.
That's enough.
- Hey, hey.
That's gross.
Bing Crosby, lose the hat.
Freaking the kids out.
- You don't like the hat? - No, previous season's is gone.
The last thing he's gonna do is draft Tiki Barber even though he's a commentator.
Yeah, you guys got in my head.
I shat the bed.
Know what you should do? Look at Phil Simms or Boomer Esiason this year.
Watch out, guys.
Watch out.
Because next year, I'm gonna be the one making fun of you.
Yeah? Boo.
Whoa.
- He hit it hard on that one.
Yeah.
Hey, that's a nice trophy.
What's it for? Taco, it's for the It's for The League.
That's your name.
You wrote that.
You won this.
You had it for a year, in '06.
- For football.
This was in your house a year, man.
Real quick, we have to talk about the timing of the draft on Saturday.
- Oh, yeah.
I need a ride from you.
- I need to piggyback on your curfew.
- No.
I don't know what my plans are, okay? I don't have a curfew.
I may get wasted, sleep at Taco's.
Sleep at my house.
I got four extra bedrooms.
No, I don't want to.
Because I don't wanna sleep in Ed Hardy pajamas.
- Bring your own pajamas.
No, I'm not.
- Get your own way there.
Ooh.
Ruxin.
There he is.
Hey, I'm Taco.
Taco, we've been friends for 15 years.
Did we get paroled? - I'm not under house arrest.
I come and go.
- You got all afternoon to hang out No, I'm getting diapers.
I got 20 minutes for some beer.
Grab one.
- There.
Gather around.
It's time to pick the draft order.
This is how we're gonna do it.
I spent a lot of time, lot of effort into it, got very excited.
- So that will go over there.
This your? On the count of three, pull out a paper.
Here we go.
One, two, three.
- There it is.
- This is really exciting.
- Number four.
Number six.
- Number one.
- Number one.
Tim Brady, mother* * * * * * s.
Congratulations.
But that is not who you're gonna be drafting.
See the kids over there? The kid with your number is your kid.
Where they finish in the race is where you draft, huh, bitches? You didn't even pick your own child.
That's good, because she's not that fast.
- This is fantastic.
I'm impressed.
- I know.
Go! - Did you turn this into a League event? - I did.
- This is good.
We're not rooting for Ellie? - No, number seven.
- Come on, seven! Come on, seven! Go, come on.
Go.
Go for it, you son of a bitch! Yes! Ball sack! You flaxen-haired little maniac! Adrian Peterson, the first pick in the draft.
Mom.
- Give me my child.
I love this kid.
I love this kid.
- Balls.
- Yes.
Suck it! Hey, check out special-needs Harry Potter over there.
It's Matt Friedman, the Oracle.
Who's the Oracle? He's a Fantasy Football genius, okay? No wife, no job, just pure football knowledge.
- He just licked a hot dog.
Yeah.
No, no, no.
Ruxin.
My party, my balloons, my hot dog, my Oracle.
So No, no, no, baby.
- What? What? No Freaky Friedman.
Come on, honey.
We don't need him.
You got me.
- Okay.
- Okay? - Can I have them both? - No.
Now go get the video camera.
- Hey.
- Hey.
What's up, buddy? This is for you, Ellie.
Happy birthday, princess.
Yay, Taco.
It's your birthday today What does that mean I guess I'll try to explain That five years ago on this day It was the first time Your parents saw your beautiful face And nine months before that magical day Your dad probably took Your mom out on a date And they were having a good time Can I get your info, maybe give you a shout at some point? - Daughter's birthday.
Yeah.
Daughter's birthday.
Happy birthday Happy birthday Seriously? And when they got home They were horny as hell And your dad threw your mom Down on the bed And he tore her panties off And his wee-wee was hard as a rock Wee-wee? And at this point Your mom wanted to give your dad head But your dad also wanted Can you even hear this? So they formed a 69 And your mom came at least three times And then your dad was so excited To get inside your mom That he forgot to put a condom on And when he realized his Thank you, Taco.
- That was great.
Okay.
Taco, thank you.
Yay for Taco.
Yeah.
- Hey.
Hey.
- How are you? Do you need help? No.
- Do you want some cake? - No, do you need a drink? It's really good.
No, we're actually trying, so I'm not drinking today.
- What? - Yeah.
- Get out.
- No.
- Congrats.
- How long have you been trying? Just this past month.
Wow, that's amazing.
Two babies.
That's just incredible.
When the time in your life is right, that's when you should do it.
You guys are at that spot.
That's great.
That's so funny.
Our It's I feel like we're at the same spot.
Really? - Yeah, and it's so funny, except for: You and Kevin were so smart, there was planning.
Like, we're ready, we're gonna do it.
Planning? They have sex all the time.
Clearly Kevin doesn't have slow swimmers, does he? I might have a beer.
We should have sex more often, because someone Can I ask you a question? How does a woman know that her husband has slow swimmers? Because obviously It's like CSI.
Gotta scoop it up.
You pull out, I scoop it up.
I clean up.
I get to the bottom.
- I'm like a detective.
Okay.
You know, I need to know.
Maybe my swimmers wouldn't be so slow if someone wasn't putting their finger in my ass while we're having sex.
- Wow.
I think that tends to Whore.
Attagirl.
There you go.
Good girl.
When you've got the sixth pick in the draft, you don't have choices.
When you've got the sixth pick in the draft, you don't have choices.
First pick, Adrian Peterson.
I mean, the guy has hammies that could literally pull a car.
He's got these shoebox calves, that beautiful chestnut-black skin.
- I know that sounds weird.
- That's creepy.
What does not sound weird is the help I will receive from my friend the Oracle.
A 9-year-old who will work his testicle-free magic Oh, my, God! - To provide picks and the scientific precision that will take me to the top and make this the year of the Ruxin.
Stop.
Just please stop talking.
Go inside and be professional, do our jobs.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- No problem, Jenny.
She doesn't run my team.
Mr.
Gomez, how are we? How you doing? Everything good? - Yeah.
Mr.
Gomez, I represent the state.
And we have what I believe is enough evidence to put you away for 10 years.
Oh, no, no, no.
Ernie's an innocent man.
So he's not going away for any time.
- Did you do it? - Of course not.
There you go.
- Really? - Really.
Ernie, do you remember waving at the surveillance cameras of all three liquor stores? We've got the videotape.
"Hi, Mom.
It's me, Ernesto.
" Your client's going away for 10 years.
Unless Unless? We swap first-round picks.
Sidebar.
Unless? You can't take my number one.
Give me the number one.
I'm gonna give you my sixth pick in the draft, okay? And I'm gonna give your client seven years.
I'm gonna knock it down from 10 to seven.
For the number one pick this man should be able to walk out the door, go on a crime spree that would make Robert Blake cum in his pants.
Then he should be able to go home, and have sex with your wife then be given a parade in his honor.
- He's kidding.
- Shh.
Respect the sidebar, sir.
Thank you.
Listen, I'm doing you a favor here, okay? This is pro bono work for you.
Listen, all I wanna say to you is this, I gotta do two of these cases a year.
This man, guilty or innocent can do no more than six years for third-round picks.
It's not gonna happen, okay? It's first-round pick.
What do you wanna do? He goes for five years.
We swap first rounds.
Pleasure doing business with you, sir.
Excuse me, sir.
Excuse me.
What was that? You're going away for five years, and I just lost Adrian Peterson.
You had to go to the third liquor store? Just go to one.
I stole a KitKat last week.
Nobody knows.
You keep it small.
Hi.
- Hi, how are you? - Good.
- Hey, can Matthew come out and play? No, Matthew's getting ready for bed.
- Just tell him Ruxin's here.
- Absolutely not.
You know, I'll hook up with him online.
No, you won't.
No, you won't.
- Numb-nuts.
- What's up, Kevin? Where you been? You forgot the Shiva at my house.
Maybe you should just hang onto it.
I don't think I'm gonna play.
Not gonna do your mind game.
Take it back, bring it on Saturday.
I'm gonna win it like a man.
Look, Meegan and I had a talk and to be honest I have so much work coming up to do.
I gotta It's gonna be super busy.
Wait, you're not playing? I'm gonna be really busy, is what I'm saying.
Yeah, everybody's busy with everything.
Cave on everything else, okay.
Don't cave on this.
It's important.
I can't do it this year.
- Okay.
All right? I'm sorry.
Look what I got.
- That's excellent.
- You see it? - Yes.
Enjoy it, man, enjoy it.
- Bang.
That's where it stays.
- That's where she's gonna stay.
- Yeah, in the street.
- You're not gonna tempt me into - I'm gonna drive away.
- I'm walking back.
- Good enough.
Going in the door.
I'm starting the car.
Okay.
You see that? I'm really going.
Welcome to Chez Andre.
Gentlemen, take a look around because this is how a single man in the city lives.
A man with a 65-inch LED TV with DirecTV, NFL Sunday Ticket and Super Fan package.
- Whoo.
Yes, it's college football right now.
But next week, it will be NFL.
And it will be pure Fantasy Football nirvana.
Tiffany, drinks.
- Ladies.
- You hired bartenders? There you go.
How you doing? All right.
I figured, you know Can we just wait for a second? I figured we play Fantasy Football, but let's live a fantasy life.
Gentlemen, to Can we? I'm gonna make a toast.
This year I'd like to make a toast to you guys.
To my friends.
And to Can we? Can you hold on with your drinks for a second, please? Can we please wait? - I'm making a toast.
Sorry.
- Guys, guys.
Just to good friends.
- And l Don't cheers.
Cheers.
I didn't even say it yet.
- All right.
We're not drinking.
Just doing this.
I know, but let me say my thing.
To my friends.
To my dear friends.
Cheers.
No, no, no.
Come on.
Come on.
What is this? Art? No, not art.
Oh, Dr.
Dre smokes the chronic? Bingo, Taco.
- All right.
Right after graduation, you guys rolled me my first joint.
That's it.
- I kept it.
We got crazy.
Ruxin, you told me you told him.
I never told him.
How do you tell someone that? Tell me what? You know what is in that joint? Weed.
- No.
- No.
Not weed.
My pubic hairs.
No, no, no.
No, no, no.
That was Dude, you're messing with me, because I got high.
I got wasted.
- How did you get high off of ball hair? - What are you, shitting me? You seriously got high? - Are you serious, this is your ball hair? - It was not his ball hair.
- It was his lower-shaft hair.
- Yep, right by the root.
- You know what? - Cheers.
- No, no cheers.
- Cheers.
I could have gotten No, no.
What is this thing we're going to anyway? It's called Down Doggie.
Down Dog.
Is it a yoga benefit? It's a charity event for dogs with Down syndrome.
Are you? Oh, you're ser I thought you were kidding.
Sorry.
How do they even tell the dog has Down syndrome? Seems like an arbitrary distinction.
Don't know how - It's an epidemic.
Okay.
Sorry, I was messing around.
It's a really good event for you to network.
I'm gonna network.
And if you network, just imagine.
Brilliant.
That's Theresa too, with my dry cleaning.
Be a love and go fetch it for me.
Okay.
Brilliant.
Hey, Theresa.
Come on in.
How you doing? Where did you get that shirt? Mrs.
Meegan.
She gave it to me.
She gave it to you? She says, "No more for you.
" Wow.
For the third pick of the draft The Double Ent-Andres pick Michael Turner.
Running back.
Was that necessary, the last part? But we can all take a lesson from Andre, please put your own picks on the board.
I'm the commissioner, not the sticker bitch.
Also, I wanna take this moment to talk about league fees.
Guys, I need checks on time this year.
Taco, okay? I need money.
No Beanie Babies.
No Camel Cash.
No poems.
Well, what about homemade hummus? No.
All right, we got the four of us, the two out-of-town idiots are on auto draft.
- Vince is on the phone.
- Okay, enough, enough.
I've heard enough, okay? You are stalling for Pete.
It's his pick, where is he? I don't know.
He's probably on his way.
- He's on his way? Yeah.
If he doesn't show up in the next ten seconds l'm going to make his pick for him.
And I think that Pete would want with his first pick either a kicker, or the Detroit Lions' defense.
No, no, no, Ruxin.
- Gentlemen, your champion has arrived.
- Bam.
- Oh, God.
You're late.
Where have you been? I just paid my cleaning lady $200 for my own T-shirt.
Goddamn it, I made it.
I'm very happy to be here.
She doesn't look very good.
- No, she took a little beating.
It might have been a garbage truck or some rabid squirrels or something.
- I'm glad she's here.
I'm glad you're here.
- Okay, ladies, ladies.
Make a pick, or get a room and rub dongs.
Either way, let's get moving here.
All right.
Matt Forte.
Who's next? When the life Grabs you Oh, thank you.
Look how nice that is.
- Thank you very much.
Taco, you're up.
Your pick.
You guys still thinking about football? - Come on, man, just pick.
Joffrey Reynolds.
Who is Joffrey Reynolds? Running back.
Calgary Stampeders.
He's good.
Taco, it's NFL players only, okay.
- What's? I don't understand.
Understand me? Dude, great party, right? - You guys having fun? Yeah.
Is this a draft? Who are these people? It's both.
Just pick, Taco.
- Come on.
Fine.
Uh "Darren Sproli.
" Darren Sproles.
Good pick.
Good job.
Darren Sproles? No, no, no.
- That's who I was gonna pick.
- Who cares? He picked Sproles.
He could've picked Bill Shatner.
He doesn't know the difference.
Hello, is Matthew there? No, no, this isn't Ruxin.
This is Dale Thompson.
I am his Civics teacher.
Paging To Catch a Predator.
Hey, Andre, you're up, man.
Anyone pick Keyshawn Johnson? - I'm sure he's been picked.
- How has he not been picked yet? Don't know how he hasn't.
- Keyshawn, on the board.
Done.
- Fine, Keyshawn Johnson.
Keyshawn.
- Who wants to tell him about Keyshawn? Keyshawn Johnson retired like three years ago.
- There's the mistake.
Yearly Andre mistake.
No, no.
He's retired.
Put it on.
No, I meant Chad Johnson.
- Ochocinco? - Ochocinco? Shit.
Sorry about all the D-bags.
I just Hey, hold on a second.
I'm sorry, did you just bring a 9-year-old to the party? No, I brought the Oracle to the party.
This party blows.
Couldn't agree more.
- Why is he wearing your jersey? - We worked out a deal.
He gets my Manning Jersey, and I get a championship.
What? Catch you on the rebound, frumpkins.
Why are you going upstairs? To talk strategy, jealous? He got high off your pubes? - His pubes, yeah.
- Off the root.
Right off the bottom of the root.
What's going on, man? Hey, Dr.
No.
Hey, heads up, man.
My bush is getting a little thick.
Wanna get baked? Dumbest thing I've ever heard.
- Seventh round, Jay Cutler? - No.
- Why? - Young guy, new system.
Guarantee he throws four picks in the first game.
Okay.
Larry Johnson? - That's a great pick.
- Thank you.
- In '05.
- Sorry.
Taco? - Taco, it's your pick.
Come on.
Aaron Rodgers.
Yeah, what she said.
- Oh, no, no, no.
Not on my bidet.
- Nicely done.
Thanks for hosting, Andre.
Good party.
- It's a good party, dude.
- I'm impressed.
Glad that you came.
Yes.
I'm glad that you decided to cave on some things.
Look, good things happen when you do.
Let me tell you, I know you're all in your head about kids.
It's not that bad.
We made Ellie into our little slave.
We taught her how to mop.
She's got the Mop & Glo.
She's all over the place.
It's awesome, trust me.
Kevin, there's no caving, all right? Look, I bailed.
What do you mean you bailed? I mean me and Meegan are done.
It's over.
- You guys always are fighting.
- Yeah.
Yeah, we fight all the time, that's the point.
Matthew.
Hey.
You, where's my son? Where's Ruxin? - I think he's upstairs.
Damn.
Matthew! - I don't feel like helping you.
- You haven't done anything.
- You told me not to draft Cutler.
- I'm wanna go home.
You're not going with my jersey on.
- This is my jersey.
We had a deal.
- No, no.
- We had a deal.
This is my jersey.
- No.
Take off that shirt.
Give me the jersey back.
- What the hell are you doing to my son? - Okay, this guy's being a total douche.
Look, Antonio Gates or Jeremy Shockey? Shush.
You all are responsible for this.
Hi, me from before.
Just need to figure out this eighth round, tight end.
Shut your mouth.
You broke into my home, kidnapped my son.
As an attorney, I don't see it that way.
You sick pervert.
Oh, Shiva.
Stay down.
What about Kellen Winslow? - I'll kill you.
All right, all right.
I'm just Know what, I'll hit you guys up on Facebook.
Another successful draft.
Yeah, absolutely.
Cheers.
Yo, I tried smoking mine, it's not working.
She doesn't have any.
Kevin, hook a brother up, man.
No.