The League of Gentlemen (1999) s01e01 Episode Script

(WOMAN): Dear Benjamin, we're so glad you're coming to stay withus if only for the night.
I hope that you and your friend enjoy your hiking holiday, and don't find our little town too boring.
We've never camped.
Uncle Harvey doesn't get on with chemical toilets.
Excuse me, do you mind? This is private.
ANNOUNCEMENT: We're approaching Royston Vasey.
Royston Vasey next stop.
This is the end of the line.
- Where to, pal? - Swanmills estate, please.
Right oh! Are you here for work or pleasure? Pleasure.
I'm staying with relatives and I'm going hiking with a friend.
It's a nice part of town is Swanmills.
Lovely shops.
It's where I get my dresses from.
The good thing is, they know me there now.
I couldn't go into Dorothy Perkins once my bust started showing.
I've only been on hormones 18 months, my nipples are like bullets.
- Morning, Dr.
Chinnery.
- Morning, Barbara.
POSTBOX: Thank you forposting a letterinside me.
Sorry, lads.
Morning, Mrs Dyson.
Yes? Oh, I'm sorry.
Are you open? Yes.
Can I help you at all? No thanks.
I'm just Just looking.
I haven't seen you before.
Are you a local? No, I'm meeting up with a friend.
Going hiking.
- Cheerio.
- Can I help you at all? - Yes, how much is this snowstorm? - Ahh! - What are you doing? - Sorry.
Don't touch the things! This is a local shop for local people.
There's nothing for you here.
- I can pay.
- Keep your hands so I can see them.
I have a husband.
He's up the stairs.
He's sure to hear everything.
If you were to come back here and touch them, I - Edward, Edward! - Hello, hello! What's going on? What's all this shouting? We'll have no trouble here.
I caught him stealing from the shop.
Who is he? Is his identity known? He's not local.
Look here.
We're very proud of our town, this is a decent town, and a local shop.
We'll have no trouble here.
- He asked me to open the till.
- No! He has a plan.
He covets the precious things of the shop.
Tea-leaf, hey? You people are all alike.
You march in here.
Young Try and touch the local things.
I suppose next you'll be spraying me with one of those cans of paint.
Smearing poor Tubbs here with excrement.
I've got your number, feller.
You won't get far.
He tried to see under my clothes.
Pervert, eh? Got sex on the brain? Wet the bed, I'll bet, as a boy.
No sisters.
I used to be in a war, and I put paid to quite a few like you.
This is a decent town and a local shop.
There's nothing for you here.
Tell him I can't have babies anyway.
Tell him my insides are all wrong.
Devil! Go on, take the precious things of the shop, burn down our home.
Rape our dead mouths! So long as I don't have to listen to any more of your disgusting babble.
Ah! I'm sorry if I've done anything to upset or offend either of you.
I just wanted to browse in your bloody shop.
Never mind, I'll just leave quietly.
You heard the man, Tubbs.
Get undressed.
BARBARA: Yeah, it's quite a straightforward operation.
Basically, they split the penis in two and invert it using the membranes.
Hokey, cokey, pig in a pokey.
Hello, gents! It's half past nine.
Time for men with jobs to go to work.
Other men stay in bed 'til dinner time watching Tots TV thinking about how worthless and pathetic they are.
Good morning, job seekers! We were thinking yesterday about jobs.
Do you remember? What did we conclude? There aren't any.
No, Ross.
We concluded that there are so many jobs out there we need to know what our options are.
So today we're going to have a brainstorming session.
Don't worry, Mickey, love.
It doesn't hurt.
First up, who can tell me what this is? - It's a pen.
- Yes, Ross.
One of Pauline's pens.
Me and Mr Pen are going for a little walk down the High Street, where we'll see lots of people doing lots ofjobs.
Not our High Street, then.
Oh, look! There's Mr Pastry.
- What do you think his job could be? - Baker.
Yes, good! Baker.
I'm going to write that on the board"Baker" And then Oh, look who's over there! It's Mr Cabbages.
And his job is? Fireman! No, Mickey, love.
He's a greengrocer.
But his good friend is Mr Flames, and he's a? Greengrocer.
- No.
- Fireman.
Good! Come on, shout more jobs out.
Let's get a list going.
- Fireman! - We've got that one, Mickey, love.
- Newsagent.
- Good! - Policeman, carpet fitter - That's ajob, isn't it? Doctor, vet, tennis player - Football player.
- Just a minute.
"Tennis player" - Fireman! - Window cleaner, gardener, architect.
- Slow down! - Tinker, tailor, soldier, spy.
Butcher, baker, candlestick maker.
Fisherman, builder, labourer.
Alright, clever Dick.
That's enough now.
- An astronaut.
- Piss off! Shout out as many jobs as you like, Ross.
You'll never get one, you dole scum.
Can you think of ajob, Mickey, love? - Yeah.
- Ahhh! You see, Ross? This poor bastard can't even spell "job", but at least he tries.
J-O What's this? "Dear Mr Mickey, we'd like you to come for an interview this afternoon.
" That's brilliant, Mickey.
What's it for? Fireman.
BARBARA: It's not so bad once you get shaved and marked up with lipstick.
But we won't know about lubrication until they open me up.
- Hello, Auntie Val.
- Come inside.
Quickly, quickly - Through here, Benjamin, please.
- Thank you, Auntie Val.
- Very kind of you to let me stay.
- Not at all.
I was only saying to your Uncle Harvey over breakfast, we don't see enough of your side of the family.
Whilst you're staying here, we want you to relax, come and go as you please and treat this place like your own home.
- I'm only staying one night.
- I know.
- And I do have to meet Martin later.
- Absolutely.
- Oh - What is it? It's just a little thing, but we ask you to leave your shoes in the front porch.
- Who's put footprints on the carpet? - Sorry, that was me.
Ah, Benjamin! It's just that in this house we leave our shoes in the porch.
- Underneath the barometer.
- Sorry about that.
I was explaining to Benjamin that we want him to relax and feel at home.
Of course, of course.
Take your shoes off.
This way.
Good.
- We thought you - Not there.
There.
Left a bit.
And the right one closer to the left.
That'll do.
We thought you'd be happiest down on the sofa bed.
- You have shower and WC.
- Into which we don't pass solids.
And you won't have the girls running in and out.
That sounds great.
I shall be inconvenienced, as this room serves as my study, but I can stay late at the office.
- If it's any trouble - No.
It's fine.
I'll explain one or two things, so you feel absolutely at home.
- Firstly, the keys.
- Oh right.
They're all colour coded, so it shouldn't take you too long.
This is what I'm saying, Geoff.
There won't be any work if they don't get a move on with the road.
- We're dying on our arses here.
- It'll be all right.
Come on, Brian! We've only got an hour for dinner, you know.
- He's bloody deaf, him.
- You know what they say, Geoff.
- What? - Mmm.
- Eh? - Mmm.
- I can't hear you.
- I said, bummers are deaf.
Ahhh! - It's a good one, that.
- I fell for it and all.
Sorry lads.
I was getting that table for tonight.
Brian, you know what they say, don't you? Bummers are deaf.
- What do you mean? - They're deaf, aren't they? Bummers are deaf.
I don't know what you're on about, Geoff.
Well I don't.
Mike said it.
He was really laughing.
Good afternoon.
It's just through here, veterinary.
You're a good lad.
Thanks for coming at such short notice.
She's in her basket.
I know she won't suffer with you, Mr Chinnery.
- I won't be a minute.
- Right.
Hello.
Hello, girl.
On your last legs, you old trooper.
Well, never mind.
Had a good innings, eh? Chased a few cats.
Chewed a few bones.
Well, you won't be in pain much longer.
Don't mind this.
Just a silly little needle.
There we go.
Shhh Good dog.
There.
Shhh Off to the land of nod, eh? Here she is, veterinary.
That tumour puts another half stone on her.
- Who have you got there? - It's Blacko.
The poorly one, the one I want putting down, you know.
And this one, the, the sleeping one by the fire? Whiskey.
My little angel, she is.
My little princess.
Aren't you, chick? Right Whiskey? Whiskey? Would you take a seat, Mr Tinsel.
I've some rather upsetting news.
PAULINE: So, job seekers.
When we think about what skills you've got we can narrow this list ofjob options down to babysitter and bramble-picker.
I don't know where that one came from.
Right, I'm going to dish my pens out again.
- What time is it, Ross? - You've got a watch on.
- I know, but what time is it? - 4.
15.
Just a sec.
- Where do you think you're going? - Interview.
You're going nowhere, Buster.
Sit down.
Right, job seekers, I want you to take a look at this list Just a second.
How's he going to get ajob if he can't go to his interview? How's he going to get an interview if he doesn't know his job options? - He's already got an interview! - That's not my responsibility.
My responsibility is to turn you into job seekers.
Where would I be if you all got work before the end of this course? - On the dole.
- Exactly! I'd be sat here, next to Mr Wadilove, stinking of shit.
This is my job we're talking about.
No, it's Mickey's job.
You go, Mickey! - Mickey.
- Go! Mickey! If you walk out of that door, I have to stop your benefit.
Yeah.
Both claims.
She can't do that.
Try me.
Please, Pauline.
I feel confident.
Well, you look ridiculous.
I know they've put monkeys in space, but do you think they'll have one driving a fire engine? Sit down! Go! That's right, Mickey, love.
You stick to what you know, eh? Pauline's right.
I am stupid.
Right, the rest of you.
I want you split into two groups: Babysitters and bramble-pickers, and we'll look at the second stage.
Getting an interview.
- Barbara.
Are bummers deaf? - I've no idea.
Why am I asking you, you're a woman.
They've to open me up first, along the base of the scrotum.
Black for paper, chrome for string, the blue one from this hook do swing.
We keep them clean, don't be mistaken, for kitchen jobs, like trimming bacon.
I'd better be off, I'm meeting Martin at 6 o'clock.
Then there's the towels.
White for hands, brown for feet, green for torso, thighs and seat.
- In the cupboard 'neath the stair - You'll find the red for pubic hair.
I think that covers everything.
You might want to relax.
Perhaps you'd like to see Harvey's toads? - What? - I breed toads for a hobby.
- Really? - Yes.
I'm meant to be meeting Martin later.
Batrachianism is a most rewarding pastime.
We thought we'd give you a tour of the amphibarium, and if you're very good, you can stroke my green back.
But don't toads give you warts? You may give a toad a wart, but a toad may not give a wart to you.
I'll just go and put the kettle on.
Well, I'd better While the wee wife's away, just a few words on the subject of onanism.
In this house we don't masturbate.
It's not a very pleasant thing to do, particularly with two young girls running around, now is it? I'd hate to think of Chloe or Radcliffe tearing downstairs first thing in the morning only to find you hunched double on the sofa bed pumping your fist.
So while you're a guest with us, if you could rein in those baser instincts, if you don't mind? No, that's fine.
Good! Everything hunky dory? Good.
I'm so glad it's all sorted.
Semen is such a persistent stain.
Oi! Three Bluebirds, please.
- He's bloody deaf, him.
- You know what they say, Geoff.
All right, all right Brian, tell Mike "Mau Mau".
- You what? - That one about the Mau Mau.
I can't remember that.
You tell him.
Danny Taurus told us this joke at the gun club, and it's the funniest bloody joke.
Tell him, Brian.
Go on.
Alright.
There's these three fellers.
Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman.
Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman.
They get lost in the desert.
- Jungle.
- Is it? Go on! They get lost in the jungle and get killed by these cannibals.
Not yet, you missed the whole bloody joke, you idiot! - I can't remember it, you tell him.
- No, you can.
- I'm not bothered, actually.
- Sit down! - Eh? - Sit down.
He's telling ajoke.
Just remember what the end is, and go back.
- There's an Englishman - Fruit.
It's the fruit.
- Oh! - He remembers it.
They've got to pick ten pieces of fruit and bring them back, and the chief says: "So, Englishman" Do the voice.
The chief says: "You must choose between death or Mau Mau.
" The Englishman says: "We don't bow to savages, I'll choose Mau Mau.
" So they stick the ten pieces of fruit up his arse.
- And what did he pick? - The Englishman chose cherries.
How would you like ten cherries up your arse? They're small, though.
- Go on, Brian.
- Oh, right The chief asks the Scotsman death or Mau Mau, and he says Mau Mau.
What's the Scotsman's fruit, is that banana? No, it's smaller than that.
Just a sec - Let's just say - It's too big, it spoils the next one.
- Apple? - No! - Strawberries? - In the jungle? No, just think what it is for a minute.
Strawberries, apples Hey, Brian.
Why are there no aspirins in the jungle? - Don't know.
- Cause the parrots eat 'em all.
Did you get it? I would've said paracetamol.
Either way, I think it worked.
The horn toad requires only three droplets on a slice of moist bread.
Only three I'm meant to meet my friend Martin Moving on.
Xenophusliavis Everyone's banking on this road.
What if it doesn't happen? - I thought it was a dead cert.
- You can't say that Plums! - What? - They're plums.
Come on! - Geoff, it doesn't matter now.
- Course it does, he's near the end.
There's only the Irishman left.
Come on, Brian.
The chief asks the Irishman, "Death or Mau Mau?" - You didn't do the voice.
- Don't matter! - Finish it! - I can't remember.
- Finish it! - Geoff, I can't remember it.
I honestly can't remember.
It's just a big bloody joke to you, isn't it? Innit? Geoff is ajoke, he enters a talent competition and loses.
My Mum said I would win.
I was only eight! You know I've got this gun, don't you? You're all listening now! Well, you You're going to tell this joke and we're all going to laugh! Or else he gets it! Calm, Geoff! I'll finish the joke.
The chief turns to the Irishman and says: "Death or Mau Mau?" - And the Irishman looks at his fruits - Pineapple! At his pineapples, and he says: "I don't think I can stand the Mau Mau.
I'll choose death.
" And the chief says to him GEOFF COCKS THE GUN Get it right, Brian.
Chief says to the Irishman I can't remember.
He says: "Death by Mau Mau.
" Have you heard it? It's good, right? Oi! Three Bluebirds.
Excuse me.
You haven't seen someone waiting here, have you? What did he look like? 28 years old, brown hair.
Name of Martin Reeve.
I found the wallet outside the shop.
Has he been in today? No, I don't know anything.
Now, if you'll excuse me, officer.
The shop is local.
Perhaps your husband saw something.
Is he on the premises? He's up the stairs cleansing the precious things of the shop.
He can't walk, you see, and he's blind.
Hello, hello, Tubbs.
What's going on? What's all this shouting? We'll have no trouble here.
- Are you the proprietor? - Yes, yes.
Your wife said you were up the stairs.
I slipped out, Tubbs.
For a walk.
Didn't want to disturb you.
Fine evening, the town.
We're very proud.
- He's looking for a boy.
- Poofter, eh? Little bummer boy.
Come across your type in the forces.
You won't catch me with my trousers down.
Sir, I'm here on police business.
I found this boy's wallet.
- Local boy? - He's not from our town.
Do we know his parents? I said we'd never seen him before.
Did Tubbs do right? You did it beautifully, Tubbs.
There's your answer, sir.
Never seen this boy before.
Now, if you will excuse us.
We've a shop to run.
Yes, of course.
Thank you for your cooperation.
Good evening.
We didn't burn him! I beg your pardon? Edward.
Will more strangers come? Calm yourself, Tubbs.
None shall come.