The Legend of Master Legend (2017) s01e01 Episode Script

1 How are you? - Hope that'll help you.
- Thank you, thank you.
- Who are you? - Master Legend.
Out on patrol, fighting evil.
- Pretty ladies.
- Good to see you.
- How are you? - Hi, Master Legend.
There you go, buddy.
You can use some of this stuff, I hope.
Here you go.
Everybody staying safe? Watch out for evil-doers.
I'm fighting crime.
You haven't seen any crime.
As long as I'm not involved in it.
Man: Master Legend! - [Women shouting.]
- Man: Seriously? This is Janice's night and you're ruining it! I'm not trying to ruin it Just pay your fare! Suck my dick! Now, now, now.
We can easily untangle this little knot here.
Okay, fuck off, Star Trek.
Ma'am, I'm a real-life superhero, registered in two counties.
He took us all the way around the Strip just to jack up the price.
There's no U-turns on Main.
He's correct.
U-turns are illegal downtown.
[shouting.]
Boom! [shouting.]
Get the shit out of my way.
You're free to go on with your carousing after you do the right thing.
Hey Folks, you can see that I'm not using force.
I'm just trying to restrain these lawbreakers until No! You don't touch me! You don't touch me I should make you pay for my bag, bitch! Woman: Yeah-ah-ah! Okay, Master Legend! Man: Way to go, Master Legend! [scattered applause.]
How much is the fare? Oh, don't worry about it, buddy.
No, no.
You don't have to do that.
Just take it.
When you see the white light The light within Be your own disciple Fan the sparks of will For all of us waiting Your kingdom will come [echo.]
Will come, will come All right Rays of power shining Rays of magic fall On the golden voice That speaks within us all For all of us waiting Your kingdom will come [honk.]
Kingdom come I was out on patrol last night, and this crackhead comes at me, ice-cold malice in his eyes.
So I look around.
No one on the street.
He stares me down.
"You," he says, and he breaks his bottle on the side of the El Cortez.
Now it's a deadly weapon.
Will you remove the sunglasses? Not my preference.
Yeah, well, it's rude.
Got to be able to look a person in the eyes.
So I'm thinking I'll use the No Mercy punch pah, poo but then I think, No.
This guy's on crack.
He's hurting not just in his body and his soul, so I decide to administer the healing touch.
You know, and don't expect me to give you a waffle.
- All right? - Are you hearing me, Tana? I saved a man's life.
Did you leech the crack out of his veins with your hands? I did.
Cody! - [phone rings.]
- I know it sounds crazy.
Did an ambulance come? - Eventually, yes.
- [ring.]
Well, then it sounds like a team effort, Frank.
- Don't call me that.
- Cody, I'm late! - [ring.]
- I'm coming.
Code Red! - Hey, Dad.
- Mm.
Huh! Ahh! You gonna get that? Nobody good ever calls me on that phone.
When are you going to come out on patrol with me? - Mom? - Oh, hell, no.
- Yaah! - Hah! Uh, Frank? You're going to want to hear this.
[beep.]
Man: So anyway, Frank, Um, I was, uh I was wondering if you had time to pick me up today.
I'm getting out at 1, and the buses, they don't come out to prison, so You know I've had a lot of time to think about stuff, and, um, I'm looking forward to seeing you.
[beep.]
- That Uncle Peanut Head? - Yeah.
You going to get him? No.
Let's go.
Ugh.
Tana: Oh I've never told you this, Cody, but it's time I do, seeing as your womanhood is rapidly approaching.
I know this sounds crazy but you are marked for greatness.
From the time you were born I knew it because you were born with the veil.
Like a bride? It's part of the birth bag that stays on your face when you come out.
Gross.
No, my daughter.
It's got mystical properties.
It gives you sight beyond sight.
I'll show you what I'm talking about.
I want you to close your eyes.
- I don't even have my permit yet.
- Close your eyes.
Sight beyond sight.
Sight beyond sight.
Sight beyond sight.
Now open them.
Mystical.
[both laugh.]
Ha ha ha.
So, ladies, you can grab your plates from right here, and all we ask is that you get a fresh one when you return.
Okay, it's for hygiene.
Okay.
Oh.
Thank you very much.
Uh, Leeann, I was thinking I would take my 15 now.
I need you.
Lorraine's out.
Just Just wait for the next changeover.
Man, I'm telling you, there is nothing more metal than the holy bible.
Head's up, Ray.
You got to read your Scriptures.
There's this prophet named Elisha not not a girl, not like Alicia Silverstone, but a dude.
He comes rolling into town, right? And these kids come out of their huts or whatever, and they they start making fun of his bald head.
Do you know what the Lord does? He sends a she-bear.
She fucks those boys up.
She-bears don't mess around.
Uh-uh.
Full-on berserker.
Just [growling.]
You know who used to be full-on berserker? Brimstone.
Ah, hush it.
Come on.
I miss that Brimstone fire.
I got another outlet for the battle against evil.
He's a superhero named Jesus Christ.
That Rowena's in your head, man.
Don't bag on my lady.
She buys me beer.
I have a warm bed, laundry, prepaid phone, salvation.
Just think about it.
All right, Ms.
Suze.
That's it for today.
Yeah, we took care of these palms in front and the yuccas in the back.
That'll be 40.
I saw you on "Action News 13" for tackling that, uh, ATM mugger.
Robbing an ATM is like robbing a tiny bank.
Do you ever do handiwork for hire, like, beyond trees? Electrical, some cabinetry, but my passion is for demo.
Hmm.
I've got a window that needs, um, resealing.
Sometimes at night, when the wind blows, it howls.
What's it sound like? Ooo Ooh [both vocalizing.]
You're fun.
[chuckle.]
Thank you.
What do you think it is? Might be some darker forces at work.
Have you wronged anyone in the past? Hmm.
Yes, I have, Hmm? Do you want to you want to come inside? I got Ray with me, and we got lunch, and I got to train, so, you know Okay, well, maybe some other time, you know.
My window's always open.
Thanks, Ms.
Suze.
[laughing.]
Where did that come from? You should have gone in there.
She wanted some Legend.
That doesn't keep me on the path of doing good.
Life could be easier for you, my friend.
Man on television: the highest Army command the president can bestow.
Haven't had one since General Washington.
[television continues indistinctly.]
[bell rings.]
[indistinct chatter.]
Uh, hey, there, Tana.
Hey, Larry.
Uh, who was that guy that you were hauling off? - Oh, he's on the blacklist.
- Hmm.
Hey, have you seen the Birds of Prey Experience at the California? Uh, no.
I haven't.
It's pretty darn cool.
They've got two bald eagles from Alaska.
That does sound cool.
- Right? - Mm-hmm.
We could go.
You know I got a daughter, right? Does she like birds of prey? Ahem.
My mom is 3/4 Pai Indian.
She's got, like, a blood card and everything.
Wow.
I never really tell anybody that, not even my boyfriend.
I'm only telling you because you're mixed.
So then we're both mixed.
Yeah, but, I mean, you can't really tell with me.
I can.
No, you can't.
Your skin looks like there's little flecks of gold in it.
Makes you a little different.
Who's your boyfriend? [laughing.]
You're hilarious.
Tana home? Nah, we're good to go.
Ow Wow Oh, brothers, the battle is raging Choose your side - Sing with us the battle hymns - Ray: Chug! Into glory ride I mourn the hibernation of Brimstone, but I'm grateful that you'll still train with me.
Well, I mean, yeah.
Boom! Chaka laka! Four kings of Metal, four Metal Kings Mmm! Songs of true metal we will sing 'Till the blood on your sword Is the blood of a king Let's fuck 'em! Fuck 'em! Ray: Give 'em the Iron Fist! Hyah! [chuckles.]
He has risen! Yahooooooo! [falcon screeches.]
Frank? Peanut Head.
I can't believe you're still doing this shit.
Does evil still exist? Evil's leaving your little brother in the lurch.
Waited damn near seven minutes till I realized you was never coming.
Don't touch that.
What, you want me to drop it? Don't drop it.
Just hand it to me.
Ray: Ha ha ha ha! Horrible form.
Brought us beer.
I don't drink Silver Crown.
And even if I did, I wouldn't drink it with you.
Well, I'm celebrating my liberation.
Ray: I I'll drink a Crown.
Here you go, Raymond.
I'm sorry, Master Legend, but we're out.
Don't open that beer.
There's no place here for crackheads.
Shit.
No one does crack anymore.
Everybody's on flokka and pills now.
[can opens.]
So, as long as you're training here, maybe I could chip in some expertise.
The Justice Army is full.
Yeah? Who else you got besides Brimstone? Oh, I'm, uh, I'm retired.
I got a sugar nana.
[laughing.]
Whoo! Good on you.
Sweet.
[laughing.]
How about Shaky James? Frog? Turd Man? Everybody else retired, too? They're dead or inside or nursing school in the case of Frog.
So you got no one, and I'm available.
I don't want you here.
I ain't got nowhere else to go.
You're not my problem anymore.
I command you to leave the secret hideout at once.
I think I'm just going to sit here and drink my beer.
Oh, hey [chuckling.]
He runs a desert tour company out of his jeep, so he makes his own hours.
We're going to go get pizza.
You coming? - Boy: Let's go, Ash! - I'm coming.
Jesus.
It's fine.
Come on.
Girls never have to pay.
Aw.
[chuckle.]
Cody's coming, too, okay? - Yeah, all right.
- Come on.
- Hi.
- Just get in the back.
Yeah.
What's up? Pizza time.
[rock on car radio.]
[radio off.]
Master Legend, I just saw something that I wish I hadn't seen.
Speak freely, Antonio.
Cody: How old is he again? Uh, when did he graduate high school? Do you drink beer? Yeah.
Ah.
Thank you, baby.
Give me a cup.
Yours too.
Give me a cup.
So what, are you on the volleyball team? Uh, we're bench partners in STEM class.
What the hell is STEM class? It stands for science, technology, engineering, and mathematics.
You take the first letter of each word I get it.
Used to be shop class.
They should just call it shop.
Have you guys ever had a three-way? - What? - Sure.
I mean, I have, but not with Ash.
Cody, you are such a slut.
I didn't say I wanted to.
I was just asking.
Oh, my God.
I cannot believe we're talking about this right now.
Come on, what do you want to know about it? Hey.
Pedophile.
I'm talking to you, you, you crackhead.
[laughing.]
Who the hell are you? I'm Master Legend.
Look it up.
Dad, stop.
This is your dad? How old are you? I don't have to answer that.
How old are you? I'm gonna guess 27 or 29.
I should have called.
Dad, let's just go home.
Did he kidnap you? - No.
- Oh, my God.
Look, man, we're just having a snack.
You move 1 inch, and you are going to get an all-night tour of Fist City.
Call the police, friends.
Tell them Master Legend has apprehended a sex criminal pedophile.
I'm not a sex criminal, asshole.
It's fighting time! Boom! Get up, bro.
- Pedophile.
- Stop calling me that.
Stay down! I got him.
Aah! - That was pepper spray! - Aah! I got plenty more where that came from.
Yeah, it really burns! Easy, easy! Whoo! Whoo! Get out of here, Peanut Head! Peanut Head? What the fuck is going on? Stop! - Oh! Man! - I got this.
You're outnumbered.
You need my help.
Listen, you never helped me once.
I've protected you, paving the way to a good life, and still you chose the path of evil.
I miss you, big brother.
I'm gonna knock you the fuck out! - [siren.]
- Oh, shit.
Cops.
- Here.
- Shit! [siren continues.]
This man attacked us right here.
He's He's a sex criminal, and that's my daughter.
Set that down.
Put your hands behind your back.
Mandy, I'd run a check on that pervert.
- Go.
- I'm sure he's got a record.
Out.
You stay where you are.
Yeah, you should never take this out.
Like, if he wants to press charges, that's assault with a deadly weapon.
Those girls are underage.
That man's a slug.
There's no proof they were doing anything illegal.
There's the law, and there's true justice.
Yeah.
I know.
Look at them.
Pedophiles.
I need my Iron Fist back.
- Uh - That I can't.
I'd be grateful for some clemency here, Mandy.
- It's an heirloom.
- Go.
Come on.
Go with your daughter.
If you want to drink beer Stop talking.
I'm just saying there's a way to drink beer and a way not to.
You're a piece of shit.
Well, you can be a piece of stuff and still do something good in the world.
I'm starving.
Ohh.
Will you take that shit off? It's all I got.
Can I make us some dinner? Yeah, okay.
Thanks for dinner, Frank.
My pleasure, but, uh, please don't call me that.
Well, to me, you're Frank, Frank.
When you're sleeping in that storage facility of yours, then you can be whoever.
You know, I don't want to sleep there.
I want us to be back together as a family.
Well, then you got to stop this.
It's time.
I can't do that.
People need Master Legend.
[van door closes.]
Have a good night.
Hey.
Uh, I brought you some coffee.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
I figured, you know, you're here all night, so you might as well get caffeinated.
[laughing.]
That was, uh Mine's just a hot cocoa.
Well, thank you.
- Ah, cheers.
- Cheers.
You all right? Doing fine.
How are you, sir? - Thank you.
- Yeah.
See ya.
[indistinct chatter.]
[indistinct chatter.]
The frightening years of chaos Leave destruction in their wake I climb into the fold I'm no stranger to my fate For the glory, the good I may never be supreme The glory, the good I embrace my destiny To follow kingdom come Babylon, and then I come along Fight on And then I'll walk the floor Fight on and on and on Oh, fight on And then I'll walk the floor [hard rock.]
[muffled shout.]
[muffled shout.]