The Legend of Vox Machina (2022) s01e01 Episode Script

1 [narrator.]
Long ago, in another realm stood the majestic kingdom of Tal'Dorei.
Once the battlefield of gods and titans, its lands now harbor magic, wonder and mystery.
It was a time of peace until a great evil arrived.
A brave group of heroes banded together, ready to face this evil.
Hold fast.
The beast approaches.
[beast snarling.]
[whooshing.]
- [screams.]
- What the fuck? You shall pay for y - Holy sh - [screams.]
Humanity will never fall to y [narrator.]
Well, that was something.
Fuck! All of our mercenaries slaughtered like lambs.
I state my case again, Sovereign Uriel: send our army to challenge whatever this fiend is before it decimates the entire kingdom.
[Fince.]
Perhaps we have been ill-advised in our strategy, sire.
I propose we attempt to capture the beast and use it as a weapon against our enemies.
I must object, Sir Fince.
We don't even know what the creature is.
Demon? Elemental? And how do you propose we capture it? Lady Allura is right.
- But sire - I will not send our remaining army beyond the city walls until we know who or what our enemy is.
We must find more mercenaries.
And where, might I ask? The Torian Butchers are butchered, the Murder Hobos murdered, the Death Dealers are all dead.
- Then find someone worthy! - [gasps.]
Do not rest until you bring me the greatest band of mercenaries in all of Tal'Dorei.
[people chanting.]
Chug, chug, chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! [grunting, exhales.]
- [cheering.]
- Yeah! That's right! Who's the best? Yeah! Grog wins.
Again.
[sighs.]
Fuck me.
Why do we always play drinking games with a guy twice our size? Because it's the fastest way to get drunk, obviously.
[slurring.]
Who's drunk? Not me.
I'm great.
I think we should go to another another [retches.]
Didn't you only have one ale? [gags.]
Oh.
So chunky.
[groans.]
Watch it, bitch.
[grunts.]
Hey.
You watch it, dicknose.
Easy, Grog.
We don't waste our time on talking assholes, remember? - Hmm.
- Oi, tavern keep.
Another round for Vox Machina, the greatest band of mercenaries in all the realm.
[laughs.]
The greatest? I heard you couldn't even rescue a cow from a burning barn.
[laughter.]
"Vox Machina.
" What a fucking joke.
[Vax.]
Let's keep things civil, friend.
We're not looking for trouble.
- Oh, I'll bet you ain't.
- [people gasping.]
Everyone knows you're a bunch of pathetic losers who can't get a fucking job.
Look at your scrawny ass.
Too weak to tickle your own pickle.
Are you offering to help? Yeah.
U-Uh, well, no.
I fuck you! Oh, I'm only asking you to give me a hand.
- [screams.]
- [snarls.]
[Grog.]
You know, Vax, I think he's willing.
Ooh, can I keep this? [grunts.]
Don't just stand there gawking, louts.
Kill them! [snarls, grunts.]
[all shouting.]
[belches.]
[both.]
I had him.
- [gun clicks.]
- Hmm.
- I'm coming, Percy! - Oh, no.
Oops.
- [snarls.]
- [roars.]
Pike, love, can you try to stay out of the way? Hey, come on.
You tripped over me.
I'll take that.
Not bad, brother.
- [whistles.]
- [shouts.]
Why does this happen every time we go out drinking? [whistles.]
[roars.]
Good boy, Trinket.
Over here.
[screams.]
Grog, step aside.
Oh, bollocks.
Where the hell is Scanlan? La, da, da La, da, da, my lady's rose I will pluck My love, it's time for us to - [screaming.]
- For goodness' sakes.
Percy, the hell, man? If you want to join in, you got to ask first.
Scanlan, I should've known.
Could you put on some pants and help us? You got to be shitting me.
Stop! First, you people drink me dry, then you destroy my tavern.
And-and what is that gnome doing with my daughter? - [squealing laughter.]
- Mmm [chuckles.]
It's probably best you don't know.
Who's paying for all this? Goodness, such a mess.
Absolutely dreadful.
But I can assure you, darling, Vox Machina will find those responsible Uh-uh, don't even try it.
Money, now.
Well, you see We don't exactly have any money on us, per se, but if you give me five [all screaming.]
Uh, hello? Yes, excuse me.
Ah.
[chuckles.]
Thank you, much appreciated.
[tavern keeper.]
And stay out! Does this mean we're officially banned from every tavern in Emon? [grunts.]
Wonderful.
We've got no money, no place to live and fuck all for prospects.
Well, perhaps if someone didn't accidentally decapitate the last fellow who hired us.
Well, I apologized, didn't I? We have a mountain of debts and oh, good three silver to our name.
We need a job.
Anything, at this point.
I mean, if protecting carts from swindlers and killing goblins for gold isn't getting us anywhere, I don't know, maybe maybe we could try doing some good this time? - Nah - Boring.
Pike, ethics are a luxury we currently can't afford.
Have you guys ever thought maybe we're not really meant to do this? I mean, Vex and Vax - only care about themselves.
- [both.]
Well, fuck you.
- [Keyleth.]
Grog just wants to murder everyone.
- Yeah, pretty much.
[Keyleth.]
Percy barely wants to be seen with us in public, - and Scanlan wants - To bed everyone in the realm.
Yes, you can say it, Keyleth.
I'm not ashamed.
[sighs.]
Honestly, why are we even together? Well, while you're all moping around, I have to drain the proverbial basilisk.
[whistling.]
[sighs.]
Hmm? - [grunts, shouts.]
- Oh Oh, apologies.
- [chuckles.]
It has a mind of its own sometimes.
- [stammers.]
What's the matter with you? - Come on.
- Hmm.
[Scanlan.]
This! This is our purpose.
Fighting for justice, for glory, protecting the kingdom and stuff.
And most importantly [whoops.]
lots of money! [snarls.]
[birds chirping.]
[grunts.]
We're really gonna see the sovereign looking like this? [guard.]
Halt.
Okay, we'll take you in, but the bear waits outside.
[growls.]
[sniffs, grunts.]
It's okay, buddy.
We'll be back soon.
[growls.]
[Uriel.]
Lady Kima, it is imperative Lord and Lady Briarwood join us.
- Sire, Whitestone hasn't been heard from in months.
- [Keyleth.]
Excuse me? - Our last messenger never returned.
- Excuse me? [Uriel.]
They must be warned of these attacks.
- Send another guardsman straight away.
- [belches.]
[belch echoes.]
I'm sorry, who the hell are you? Vox Machina.
You see, it's actually a somewhat clever play on words Honestly, we don't care.
Sire, I warned you the notices would attract the scum of Emon.
Excuse you? I think Sir Fince means a foe this deadly - requires more seasoned - Krieg, don't bother with these drunken buffoons.
Guards? [grunting.]
Buffoons? Clearly you've never heard of the Legend of Vox Machina.
Allow me to give you a proper introduction.
Oh, gods, here we go.
Your Excellence tried the best fighters Who've adventured far and wide But I promise That you've never met a troop so qualified There's Grog our mighty giant He's a simpleminded hulk And Percy's pepperbox can blow apart Your fucking skull Nature hath no fury Quite like Keyleth the Ashari Controlling plants and animals She's a magical safari The twins Vex and Vax She shoots, he hides in the pitch They're stealthy and quite deadly But I forget which one is which - He's Vax.
- She's Vex.
Pike's divinity is pure Her hands can always heal Oh, and did I mention we have a bear? Trinket, no big deal And as for myself? My name is Scanlan The man with the phat purple hand My music's the jam, going ham, you can't stand it Get some water, hide your daughters - [clears throat.]
- Oh.
Uh, sorry.
Brave warriors are we and far more clever than a fox They'll tell tale of our exploits In the Legend Of Vox Machina - [retches.]
- Uh, thank you very much.
- Oh.
- Mm, okay.
Uh - Uh - Give the council a moment to discuss your curious group.
You can't be seriously considering them for such a crucial task.
Sovereign, their reputation is less than stellar.
Well, they do have a bear.
It looked quite ferocious.
And the song was entertaining.
Why not give them a chance? Perhaps there is more than meets the eye with these warriors.
- [snoring.]
- Eh? Yeah, doubt it.
Let's just call in Agar's Assassins again.
Uh, Agar apparently had his hand chopped off in a barroom brawl.
[quietly.]
Oh, shit.
- [high-pitched ringing.]
- [grunts.]
[Uriel.]
Very well.
You're hired, Vox Machina.
Mainly because I like the bear.
Lady Allura will accompany you to the Shale Steps, the village closest to the last attack.
So, what exactly are we killing, and how much are we making? [Krieg.]
We don't know what you're killing, but once you kill it, all this is yours.
[Scanlan.]
Uh, one more question.
Yeah, how are we supposed to get there? [giggles.]
[Vex.]
Brother, I am telling you I felt it, right there in the throne room.
I haven't felt that since Isn't this ship amazing? There's two bathrooms downstairs.
Hey, by the way, why are you both whispering - like we can't hear you? - Can you mind your business for once, gnome? [muttering.]
As you can see, the creature has already razed three villages and miles of farmland.
If this evil persists, the kingdom will starve to death.
This mission sounds kind of deadly.
[chuckles.]
- Do we really want to do this? - Yes, this task is dangerous, which is why only the most noble, heroic - and true - Yeah, yeah, nobility and heroism is fine and all, but we're in this for the money.
I see.
So it's coin over character.
Not surprising.
- [wind whistling.]
- [wood creaking.]
[grunts.]
The Shale Steps are beyond that hill.
Good luck.
Please don't, oh, fuck this up, as they say.
Thanks for the sweet ride.
You'll be back to pick us up later, right? [birds cawing.]
Yeah, she'll be back.
What we doing here again? The last attack was just south of here.
We're gonna ask around, see if anyone knows anything.
Ask around.
[Keyleth.]
Excuse me, green friends.
Have you seen any evil wizards or giant monsters passing through here? - Uh - That's kind of weird.
[fisherman.]
Nah, it was too foggy.
All we saw was dark clouds, lightning.
We thought it was a storm.
Oh, you didn't see anything, huh? How convenient, Mr.
Fisherman, if that is your real name.
- Whoa - Okay, maybe let me handle the questioning, Scanlan.
I'm sorry about him.
[mother.]
You're a priest of sorts, aren't you? Could you bless our house? - Protect it from this evil? - Uh A-A blessing? Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.
Uh, no problem.
Okay, here goes.
May the Everlight shine upon your home.
Everything will be tip-top.
Okay.
I'm sure you'll survive these trying times, so, good luck? Are you sure you're a holy person? Yeah, I'm-I'm just, uh, out of practice.
I don't really bless a lot of houses these days.
Thank you, dear.
I'm sure it'll be enough to keep our family safe.
[gasps.]
Wow.
- Are you a wizard? - [chuckles.]
Nah.
The magic's all in the fingers, kid.
[gasps.]
Wow.
And now it's in yours.
Whoa.
That's real silver.
Keep it safe.
There's a monster roaming about.
- You mean flying.
- What's that? Something flew right over us.
It knocked down the big tree on the hill.
We heard wings beating but we couldn't see it in the storm.
But it was big.
Really big.
Yeah.
[birds squawking.]
[Vex.]
Get over here.
- Trinket found something.
- [sniffing.]
The tracks are too muddy to discern.
But it looks like it took to the air and flew along the coast.
- Whoa.
[chuckles.]
- [grunts.]
Think you'll be needing this.
Ah.
Now they look human? [grunts.]
It's close.
Everyone, get ready.
[rustling.]
[bleats.]
[laughs.]
Get the fuck out.
What, a little lamb was behind all the mayhem? Oh, don't let that thing bite you, Vex.
[grunting.]
[bleating.]
[beast snarling.]
Oh, fuck, oh, fuck, oh, fuck.
Fuck! [shouts.]
- [panting.]
- [roars.]
[grunts, panting.]
[booming step.]
- I suggest we run.
Right now! - [Grog.]
Fuck that.
We fight! [roaring.]
Grog, you dumb, brave asshole! [Grog roaring.]
[grunting.]
[gasps.]
Grog's down already? Come on! [growls.]
[grunting.]
[low growl.]
[screeches.]
Keyleth! A little magic might help.
[gasping breaths.]
- We're in serious trouble here.
- [dragon roars.]
Keyleth, snap out of it.
Keyleth! - Keyleth! - Sorry.
Um Okay.
Okay.
[whooshing.]
[thunder crashing.]
[snarls.]
[fierce yell.]
[thunder crashing, wind rushing.]
Did I just make it worse? [roars.]
[shield whirring.]
[growling.]
[loud rumbling.]
- [Vex.]
Look out! - [gasping.]
[debris settling.]
[booming steps.]
[sniffing, grunting.]
[low growl.]
[dragon screeches.]
[wingbeats recede in distance.]
[Scanlan.]
Uh, get me out.
Get-get me out! I'm trapped under Grog's ass! [straining.]
[Percy.]
So this is what rock bottom feels like.
At least we're still alive, thank the Everlight.
And thanks to Keyleth for the giant shrub.
But did you have to make it so thorny? [groans.]
That dragon.
We almost died.
[pants.]
Except we didn't die.
Because of you, Keyleth.
You hear me? We're alive because of you.
- Grog.
You're hurt.
- Nah.
Just a flesh wound.
No big.
[groans.]
Question: Is this normal? - Oh, no.
- Holy shit.
- I'm gonna throw up.
Hold still, old friend.
I got you.
[whirring.]
[groaning.]
Oh, I feel better already.
Thanks, Pike.
You're the best.
[sighs.]
That took a lot out of me.
- I got you.
- Oh.
Uh, thanks.
Oh, uh, you can put me down now.
Oh.
Yeah.
Uh yeah.
All right, fuck Uriel and all of this, we're done here.
We didn't sign up for certain death.
Must I remind you we gave our word to the council? That should probably mean something.
Oh, who gives a soggy anus about the council? The only word I care about is "Scanlan Shorthalt.
" And yes, I know that's two words, but you know what I'm saying.
Yeah.
What have those fuckity-fucks ever done for us? Except give us a job and a bunch of gold and treasure and stuff? We've fought a lot of things but a dragon? An actual dragon? It's not about the council, or the contract it's about these people.
They need us.
We can't just run away.
This is why I hate traveling with holy people.
- They're too goddamned good.
- [Vex.]
Pike this creature is beyond us.
When Vex and I were young, one of those monsters killed our mother.
I've studied dragons my entire life, hoping to find the one that did it.
I can feel when they're close.
A horrid pain in my head.
Then it's settled.
We'll go back to the palace and get out of the contract.
You don't understand, Percy.
I felt it there, too, at the palace.
Y-You're just telling us this now? I'm sorry.
I I wasn't certain until the dragon It's been years since Mother Are you sure, Vex'ahlia? I know what I felt.
Someone on the council must have been in contact with the dragon, or I don't know, but I-I'm sure it was real.
Then we walk away from all of this.
It's not worth it.
You heard her.
One of them might be working with that monster.
Let's just get the hell out of here and never set foot in Emon again.
Can we all agree on that? Oh, no.
[Vex.]
They wiped them out, all of them.
[stifles sob.]
[weak groaning nearby.]
[weak groan.]
- [straining.]
- [wood creaking.]
[grunting.]
[Vax.]
Pike! Get over here! [groaning weakly.]
[Pike.]
Please, Everlight, let your power reach him.
Pike.
Please.
Shit! No.
I can't do it.
I'm still too weak from before.
[grunts weakly, exhales.]
[thunder rumbling.]
We could have stopped this.
Should have.
[Scanlan plucking, tuning stringed instrument.]
What the hell are you doing, Scanlan? Thinking of a rhyme for "dead dragon.
" [sighs.]
'Cause I I guess we're killing one.
I'm in.
Uh, I mean I'm not gonna lie, I'm terrified out of my mind.
But I'm in.
- I don't like losin' - [thunder crashes.]
But now I'm feelin' things, on the inside.
They don't feel right.
So yeah, I'm with ya.
That was actually well stated, Grog.
- What was? - Uh, never mind.
Count me in as well.
You guys we're doing this.
You all realize we're going to die a truly horrible death.
Perhaps, sister.
But we'll die gloriously, and we'll kill a fucking dragon.