The Life and Times of Tim (2008) s01e01 Episode Script

What can brown do for me? Move your fucking truck! Oh, what a weekend.
I mean a three-day cruise and now we get to see your place in New York, honey.
I personally am excited to meet Tim the boyfriend.
Oh yes, the boyfriend.
- You guys.
- My little girl.
- I hope you like him.
- I'm sure we will, sweetie.
He sounds positively delightful.
Tim! What? Oh, Amy.
I thought you guys were coming in tonight.
- Who is she? - Who? - This woman? - Yes.
Or that woman? That's your mother, I assume.
- No, who is she? - Oh, my name's Debbie.
- That's Debbie.
- Yeah.
I'm sitting with Debbie.
And what is Debbie doing here? - She's an electrician.
- Oh.
That's what she does for a living.
- An electrician? - Yeah.
- So let's just - Are you a prostitute? - Oh, no.
- What's happening? Now you've crossed the line.
I don't allow that kind of language in this home.
- What a mouth.
- What do you do? I am a self-employed person.
But occasionally - I do give a $10 BJ.
- Oh-ho! - $10 BJ? - $10 BJ, what's that? - What does that phrase mean? - I think I'm gonna be sick.
- You should know.
- What does BJ stand for? I can't believe you got a prostitute while we're on a cruise.
Let's you know what? Let's change the subject.
- How was the cruise? - Uh, it was lovely.
- Thank you.
- The shrimp was good.
- The shrimp was good? - Tim, we are not changing the subject.
Was it like a shrimp cocktail or - Just buffet.
King size.
- Buffet style.
That's nice.
- That sounds like a nice cruise.
- Tim! - Yeah? - We are not changing the subject.
There is a prostitute sitting on our couch.
- Language.
- You're still dwelling on that? - Yes! - I'm sure Tim has a good explanation.
Let's just pay the woman and be done with it.
- Yes.
- Miss, what does Timothy owe you? Oh, Timothy here owes me $300.
- Good lord, for what? - That's too much.
That's just too much money.
Well, for house calls my rate is $50 flat.
- That's fair.
- Then there's another $50 for a hurry-up-and-do-it-now rate.
Okay.
And then you asked for the back-door action.
- No no.
- Back-door action? - $200.
- Tim, who are you? Who am I? I'm not the back-door guy.
Yes, you are.
You called and said, "It's 9:00 a.
m.
Cock-a-doodle-doo.
Send someone over for some back-door action at Tim's place.
" No, I did not say cock-a-doodle-doo.
Okay, you know what? We're not having this conversation.
My parents are here for one night.
- I want her gone.
- All right, that's a good idea.
Why don't you guys go into the kitchen, start preparing dinner? We'll settle up and we'll have a nice night.
Amy, I don't know if you noticed, I vacuumed.
Wow, that was not a good first impression.
Is it because I mentioned the back-door action? - That didn't help, I got to say.
- Oh.
- I obviously called you by mistake - No, you didn't.
so if you could just leave.
No hard feelings.
Okay, I won't have any hard feelings when you cough up $300.
How about a free dinner? Free meatloaf? Sugar, I don't want meatloaf.
I want money.
I don't have it.
I don't make that much.
Well, then I'm calling Maurice.
- Maurice? - Maurice.
I'm calling him now.
- You're calling Maurice? - I'm calling Maurice.
- Unbelievable.
- Quiet.
Just have Maurice send me an invoice.
- Oh, don't try that, honey.
- Have Maurice - Okay.
- Maurice! Yes, this is Debbie.
I'm here with a young gentleman who owes me $300 and he wants to pay with meatloaf.
Explain to him how she's gonna prepare it.
Quiet, sugar.
Is that okay? All right.
Bye, sugar.
What did Maurice say? He's cool with that? - Oh, Maurice is coming over.
- Maurice is coming over? Mind if I sit here for about 20 minutes? You guys having fun? Enjoying yourselves? It's meatloaf night.
- It is meatloaf night.
- Tim, is she gone? Uh, gone? No.
Debbie's not gone, and just a quick FYI, Maurice is gonna join us.
Should be fun.
Catch up with you guys in a bit.
This is not good.
We only have four chairs.
We always only have four chairs, Tim.
I know.
This is not good.
Um Would it be awkward if Debbie sits on my lap? - Um, yes it would.
- That would be awkward? - Yes, it would be really awkward.
- Who else - can she sit on your dad's lap? - No! We got no choice.
Do you want her to sit on your lap? Okay, you know what? Fine.
Just sit down.
- Let's work with what we have.
- Yeah, let's do it.
Mmm, two of my favorite things meatloaf and giving a lap dance.
- No no, stop doing that.
- Up and down.
- This is not a lap dance.
- Up and down.
Stop the up and down.
- Tim, this is not a lap dance.
- I'm well aware.
- So, Timothy.
- Yeah? You're the head of the household here.
Would you like to say grace? - Grace? I would love to say grace.
- Excellent.
- Say a little prayer to the Lord.
- Oh, how nice.
Lord, thank You for the blessings You have bestowed upon us.
We pray for health, we pray for happiness, and for the $300 I owe Maurice.
We really are hoping for that to come through.
If You could set that up.
And, uh, we pray for understanding.
- Mm-hmm.
- As we all occasionally request back-door action by accident when we tried to call an electrician.
It happens.
It simply happens.
And in Your name we pray.
Amen.
Amen.
- That was a very interesting prayer.
- Thank you.
All right, let's just do this.
Let's just have a nice dinner.
Whoops, there's Maurice.
That didn't last long.
- Hello? - You don't let me upstairs I'm gonna take your head and shove it through your asshole.
Safe to assume that's Maurice? That's unmistakably Maurice.
- That's classic Maurice.
- I'm waiting down here.
- Maurice, I'm buzzing you in.
- Who's Maurice? Well, he says he works in financial retrieval, but that just means he's a pimp.
- Okay, we're leaving.
- You're leaving? What do you mean you're leaving? How's Maurice gonna feel? - Mom, Dad - He just got here.
let's just go out for a nice dinner and then we'll get you back to your hotel.
This is crazy.
It was a pleasure meeting you, Timothy.
The pleasure was all mine.
If we never see each other again, son, good luck.
Never see each other again? What happened here? You know, I think you made a better impression than you think.
You think I made a good impression? Mmm-hmm.
See, if you ask me, the fact that you vacuumed cancels out the back-door action.
- I don't think it cancels it.
- Well, maybe it - Whoops.
- You got my money, bitch? What kind of entrance is that? I want cash in my hand.
- I don't have it.
- What? - I don't have the money.
- Then we're gonna have to barter.
- Barter? - Let me see what I want in this place.
- No.
- TV sucks.
- You can't have that.
- Furniture sucks.
Man, I don't want any of this junk.
This place is beat, yo.
- You want some meatloaf? - What? - I can give you half of the meatloaf.
- Come on, man.
- You don't want it? - No.
You're not being reasonable.
You're really You better shut your mouth right now, son, and find my $300.
- You understand? - All right.
Um how about some clothes? I can give you this shirt.
Can you honestly picture me wearing a shirt like that? I can.
No offense, your look is a little little expected.
What did you say? I just said it's like a parody.
If this was a TV sitcom, the pimp would look like you.
Maybe you got a point.
You know what? I think I do.
Here, try my shirt on.
A'ight.
Oh, that is precious.
- That's working.
- You know what? I think this is a good look for me.
- That's a very good look.
- Yeah.
You could be a pimp or a CPA.
- I look hard in this.
- It's nice.
Check this angle.
Bam! - Bam.
- Feel that? Watch this.
I could slap too in this thing.
- Bam! - Bam! Slap you up, bitch.
Give me my money.
- Okay.
- Feels good.
Feels good.
It looks good.
It suits your job and your lifestyle.
What you think, Debbie? Do I look like a badass pimp? Oh, with some nice chinos, I think you would.
- Those chinos? - Mmm-hmm.
- These? You want these? - Yeah.
- Let's do it.
- Why don't you take them pants off? I'll take them off right now if that makes this go away.
That's a good look.
I think this might be a good look for me.
I don't know, you know? I mean, you don't find a lot of pimps shopping at The Gap - You're right.
or Banana Republic.
Tim, I think you did a very good job.
- I'm glad it worked out.
- You might have changed my life.
I got a dream now.
You know what I'm saying? I feel good in these things.
This is emotional.
You're a good guy.
Wow, you're not crying, are you? No, I'm not.
I will shiv you quicker than you can blink.
All right, obviously you're not crying.
I'm gonna show myself out.
All right.
That worked out.
That's nice.
Happy ending.
Or as I like to say, back to the meatloaf.
Should I put something on? No, I'm used to that look.
This dinner really took a weird a weird turn.
- Didn't it though? - Yeah.
Yeah, I think it's nice, though.
- You're a very good host.
- Thank you.
- You know, Tim? - Yeah? Most people have never treated me as nice as you have.
Well, I try to be nice.
Oh, you're very nice.
- Now I want to do something for you.
- Okay.
How about a half price BJ? - No no.
- Doesn't that sound fun? It actually does, but let's just not go there.
Okay, baby.
I understand.
How about a little peck on the cheek? - You want to peck me on the cheek? - Yeah, or a hug? - That seems pretty innocent.
- Okay.
- Come here.
- Let's do that.
Okay, that's not a peck.
Tim? - Amy? - Hello.
What are you doing? What am I doing or how am I doing? What are you doing? Listen, don't rush to judgment just because I'm nude and we're making out.
Unbelievable.
I vacuumed.
Hey, Rodney, everything good? Yeah, man.
Hanging large, know what I mean? - Uh, kind of.
- Good, good.
Hey, you know, Timbo, I've kind of always considered you to be one of my closest friends, man.
- Closest? - Yeah.
We've never spoken outside of the desk area here, you know? Still, you get to know a guy when you make small talk and whatnot.
- You know what my last name is? - No idea.
Anyway, I want to invite you and Stu to my bachelor party.
- You're getting married? - Yeah.
- To who? - Oh, dude, some broad.
- Some broad? - So here's the deal.
The party is going to just be, boom, fantastic.
I rented out a club.
It's gonna be 20 guys, and, bam, a midget.
There's gonna be a midget at the party? I know, a midget, man.
You know what I mean? - That sounds crazy.
- Rodney, Rodney.
- Alan, what's up? - I'm 4'11".
All right? 4'11".
I'm happy to come to these parties of yours, but please stop telling people I'm a midget, man.
Alan, dude, you are a small guy.
It's just It's ignorant and hurtful.
- Come on, dude.
- I'm 4'11".
Both of you need to get ready to party Rodney style.
- You know what I mean? - I don't, but Chicks and midgets.
Bam! This is partying Rodney style? Yeah, I don't know what to say, man.
I mean, maybe everybody's running late.
- Everybody? - What about the strippers? - Uh, yeah, they all called in sick.
- All 20? They said there's some kind of flu bug going around.
You know, there was some kind of, like, virus that was stuck to the pole.
Then when they rubbed their junk on it, they all got sick.
- I guess that's the way it goes.
- I read about that online.
- Yo yo yo yo yo yo, gentlemen.
- Yo? You ready to get this party started? - I don't think we are, actually.
- Yes! Please, let's do it.
When people finally get here I want this thing to be cracking.
All right.
Then come on down, motherfuckers! - Who's he talking to? - He got so angry.
Let's get this fucking party started! - Language.
- Yeah, you don't have to curse.
- You, asshole, on the floor.
- Really, I got to stop you right there.
- Now! Now! Now! - I do not appreciate - Jesus.
- Let's get this motherfucker popping! Let's start bumping.
I appreciate the rhyme, but I'm still not onboard.
With bitches on the floor, we party all the more.
- What did he call us? - Bitches, dude.
We're acting like bitches.
Come on, guys, let's just dance a little bit, please.
- The three of us? - Tim.
All right.
All right, motherfuckers.
- Yes.
- This bitch is ready to turn it loose.
Heat! Heat! Dance! Heat! Man meat! Dance! Is it just me or is this perhaps the gayest bachelor party in the history of the world? Got to be top 10.
Guys, I'm getting in the cage and I'm taking off my shirt.
- Oh no.
- Oh, God.
No, this is not what people do at bachelor parties.
This is what I'm doing right now.
One motherfucker in the house getting it.
Caged heat! Caged heat! Caged heat! Caged heat! Rodney, I'm begging with you to get out of that cage.
- Why, man? I'm digging this.
- If people show up You're dancing in a cage for two guys.
All right? That is not your traditional straight man's bachelor party.
All right, all right.
Cut the music, cut the music.
Wow, that was incredibly awkward.
- Man, this is depressing.
- That never happened, okay? No one showed up but you guys.
I know, and I don't even want to be here.
- I know that I'm loud and obnoxious - True.
and grab people and stuff.
But, I don't know.
I thought people liked me.
Rodney, some people like you.
- People know who you are.
- Yeah, you're well-known.
Dude, I'm kind of embarrassed to go to work tomorrow.
What am I gonna tell everybody? We'll make up stories.
How's that sound? Make it sound like a crazy fun party.
All your friends were here and everyone will wish they came.
You guys would do that for me? Yeah, who cares? Yeah.
- I don't give a shit.
- All right? All right.
Yeah, I'm on this, man.
Okay, I got it, I got it.
Stu, you greased up two chicks in the cage and had your way with them while someone was videotaping.
It'll be on YouTube next week.
I can't wait to see the footage.
And me, uh, the bartender gave me this look and I was like, "What?" and he was like "What?" And then I kicked his ass.
That's pretty good.
That sounds like a fun party.
How about me? What did I do? Oh, oh, Timbo, you just threw up all over yourself and then you went home early.
- What? No.
- Yeah.
- It's perfect.
- No, give me a good story.
Give me something with a stripper.
You puked on a stripper.
- Why am I puking at all? - It fits you.
- No, it doesn't.
- Totally.
Like a glove.
Let's do something with me in the cage with like a I got it.
Tim drank too much - and took a dump in his pants.
- Oh, perfect.
I don't like the story.
I don't like the general themes you're exploring.
Tim, if we exaggerate no one will believe us.
It has to be authentic to you, who you are around the office and stuff.
- That's who I am? - Yeah.
Remember, we're doing this for Rodney.
Yeah, come on, Tim.
Let's just come up with a good one for me.
All right, Tim.
You know what? Let me sleep on it and I'll have something good for you in the morning.
- Something fun? - Fun, exciting.
You know, but authentic.
- Oh, dude, you should've been there.
- Oh yeah? - It was like midgets everywhere.
- Oh my God.
- And you should have seen Stu.
- Yeah? He's in this cage with this chick that's dressed up like a cheetah and he's like in this safari outfit but he's got like this big tub of Vaseline and he's just like rubbing it all over and making out with her.
You know what I mean? And I was just getting mine too.
It was cool.
- Oh man, I always miss the - Hey.
Hey.
The boss wants to see me? Is that true? Yeah yeah.
You can head right in.
All right.
Sorry for interrupting.
- Hey, Tim.
- Yeah? It's gonna be okay, man.
I mean, l just keep your head up high.
- All right.
- All right.
Great.
Ah, Timothy.
- Yes? - Come in, come in.
- Close the door too, please.
- Close the door? - Yeah, shut the door.
- Okay.
Sit down, please.
Or don't sit.
You don't have to sit.
- I'll stand.
- Great.
- Hi.
- Hey.
I understand you attended Rodney's bachelor party last night.
Oh, that.
Yeah, we had a good time.
- Really? You had a great time? - So much fun.
- Huh.
- Rodney had a lot of friends there.
- Right.
- It got pretty nuts.
A lot of good close friends.
Listen, I'm all for some light-hearted shenanigans, but I have to say that I'm a little concerned about you in particular.
What did I was just at the party.
- Hmm, really? - Yeah.
I'm hearing a couple of stories, and your story strikes me as just a little freaky.
- My story? - Yeah.
Did I, um did I do something with a stripper? I don't even remember.
- No no.
- What did I do? Well, it's my understanding that you were raped by a bum.
Come again? - Raped by a bum.
- No.
No, my story - I kicked some guy's ass.
- No, you were raped by a bum.
- I went home with a stripper.
- I'm sorry, I'm confused.
Are you saying Rodney's a liar? Um can I have a minute? - Rodney? - Yeah? Raped by a bum? Right in the backside.
You know what I mean? - That's not a good story.
- Why not, man? It fits you.
- It fits me? No.
- Yeah, you're like a frail guy.
I can see like some homeless drunk taking advantage of you.
- No, it's not a good story.
- If you're not into it - Get in there, tell him the truth.
- Okay, fine.
Yeah, I'm a good storyteller, Tim.
I'll rework it.
- Let's rework it a lot.
- Yeah.
Hey, boss.
Uh, I wanted to clear something up with you.
- Yes, Rodney, go.
- You're not gonna believe this, but there was a misunderstanding between you and me earlier.
- Oh? - This is crazy.
Tim wasn't raped by a bum.
- He he wasn't raped? - No, I thought I made this clear, but he actually bought drapes for a bum.
Drapes? You bought drapes for a bum? I did.
I bought drapes.
- I, um - He left the party and I just cut out and went to Bloomingdale's.
- I don't believe you.
- You don't believe me? - No, I don't believe either of you.
- Okay.
- Okay? What happened? - Rodney.
- What? - It's very noble of you to try and cover for Tim, but the reality is a bum stuck his penis inside of Tim.
That much has been established.
It's clear.
- Let's not lock that down just yet.
- Tim, it's been established.
- Please stop saying that.
- No, it's true.
It happened.
- That did not the details of it - He bought drapes.
Tim, I'm sending you to Human Resources for some mandatory counseling.
- Counseling? - Counseling.
- Marie.
- Don't bother Marie.
I'm sending Tim down your way.
Because he was raped by a bum last night? - Exactly.
- All right.
Wow, word travels fast.
- Hey, Marie.
- Tim, how are you? - Doing all right.
- I have a couple of questions.
- All right, let's just - We'll just wrap this up.
- Yeah.
- And then you can put this entire ordeal behind you - That's what l so to speak.
Behind me.
Just a little bum-rape humor.
I'm sorry.
Bum rape humor? That's not a genre of humor.
Anyway, if you could describe exactly what happened between you and this homeless man.
- To be perfectly honest - Yes, please.
it never happened.
The event did not take place.
Tim, you're in denial.
- No, I'm coming clean.
- No.
You continue to say no.
That's an indication of denial.
- No.
- No.
See? It's right there.
Tim, I'm worried.
I'm afraid this man could strike again.
No, let's just assume that's not gonna happen.
We can't take the chance.
I'm gonna need to contact the police.
He seemed like a good guy.
Don't bug him.
- I need to call the cops right now.
- No no, don't call them.
Tim, it's Omnicorp policy.
Omnicorp has a policy on bum rape? My hands are tied as I'm sure yours were.
I'm sorry.
You should not be the HR lady.
- You really should not.
- Oh, man.
Yeah.
- Hey, Tim.
Thanks for coming by.
- Okay.
Listen, we rounded up all the homeless men within a five-block radius of the crime site.
All we need is a positive ID of this bum and you can be on your way back home, okay? - Whatever puts this to an end.
- Great.
Bum number one, please reenact the crime.
Uh, what do I do? You've got to pretend you're having sexual relationships with this man.
With this guy? Can I touch him? - Can you touch him? - No no.
- That might be good for you, Tim.
- No.
It's very realistic to be touched.
Maybe that'll help.
- You know what? Yes, touch him, bum.
- All right.
That's really the way you do these things? Here we go.
No, it's not him.
It's not the guy.
Let's get number two.
- That's not the guy? - It's so not the guy.
- Really, you sure? - I'm so positive.
Maybe it'll jog your memory if he took his clothes off.
- No, that would not help.
- Bum number one - I want to go.
could you please get naked for us? - All right.
- This is not how lineups usually work.
- That's better.
- That doesn't help at all? - It doesn't.
- You sure, Tim? It was dark.
It was behind a dumpster.
- Look at his body.
- Yeah.
Get a good look at his body, Tim.
My face was in the dirt.
Whoa, hey.
Excuse me.
Sergeant, we have a development on this case here.
- What's the development? - Development? We got the security tape from the crime site.
- It's pretty revealing.
- Why do you keep talking? Put it in.
- All right.
- Security tape? - Who's that? - Looks like you, Tim.
- Those tapes are so grainy.
- Rodney, we're gonna make up stories.
We're gonna make up fake stories, make everyone at work think they missed a great party.
- Huh.
- Wow.
- Wow.
- I got a question for you, Tim.
- Yeah? - There was no bum rape, was there? You know what? I've got to come clean here.
There was no bum rape.
It never happened.
- I'm glad we settled this.
- Never happened? Sorry to inconvenience you guys.
I'll be on my way.
- On no.
- And sorry to inconvenience the bums.
No no no no.
It's not gonna happen like that, Tim.
- No? - No.
What was this? - What do you mean? - Was this your 15 minutes of fame? - Fame? No.
- Yeah, you want to be on "60 Minutes"? You wanna go, "Oh, look at me, I'm Tim.
I'm the guy who got raped by a bum.
" - That's the opposite of what I want.
- Want to shake hands - with Oprah Winfrey? - Not really.
- You wanna go on "The View"? - No no.
I'd like for this to fly under the radar.
No, you're gonna get your wish, sonny boy.
- I am? - You're getting your big old wish.
- No, please don't give me my wish.
- Yeah.
I'm gonna give you your wish.
You're either going on TV or you're going in jail.
Your choice, Timmy.
Those aren't good choices.
Tonight on "60 Minutes" the Chinese economy shows no signs of slowing, but at what cost to the environment? Then a one-on-one with Tim who was raped by a bum behind a filthy dumpster.
What was it like? Anyone that's been raped by a bum knows the drill.
He pretty much took his pants off and went crazy.
What the fuck? Did I not tell you that story?