The Looney Tunes Show s01e01 Episode Script

Who was the first president of the United States? - Oprah! - George Washington.
[Dings.]
[Applause.]
What is the capital of Alaska? - New York! - Juneau.
How many sides are on a triangle? [Dings.]
Name an ingredient in spaghetti and meatballs.
- Oranges! - Meatballs.
You've just won a million dollars! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah-- [Cheering.]
How is it that that dummy won a million dollars and I've never won anything? Oh, I'm sure it's just a matter of time.
It'd better be, because I don't want to end up a bitter, jealous person.
Say, I should go on a game show! What game show are you qualified for? Uh, "Wheel of Words"? You don't know how to spell.
How about "Price is Correct"? How much do you think this pack of gum sells for? $33,000? Good luck with that.
[Clicks.]
Stay tuned for the new game show "Besties," where knowing all about your best friend leads to big prizes.
[Gasps.]
We should go on that.
We've been best friends forever.
We know everything there is to know about each other.
I never thought I would say this, but that's not a bad idea, Daffy Duck.
Why, thank you, Bugs Uh I want to say, uh, bada-bling? Sync and corrected The Looney Toons Show Season 1, Episode 1 "Best Friends" [distant dog barking.]
I did it! I got us on tomorrow's episode of "Besties!" How'd you manage that? There are some things you shouldn't know about me.
But you better know everything else! I'm more concerned with how little you know about me.
I know everything about you.
Hit me with some questions.
Go ahead.
All right.
What's my favorite color? Pass.
What time do I go to bed at night? Pass.
Give me something easy.
Fine.
When's my birthday? Janu Febr Septem December Jul-- July! July first.
July second.
July third.
July fourth.
Fifth! Sixth! Seventh! Eighth! Ninth! Tenth! - 27th.
- July 27th! Well, happy extremely belated birthday, or [Whirring.]
Happy extremely early birthday.
[Screams.]
Hey, speedy.
Hola, Bugs.
You said you took care of the rat problem.
I'm not a rat.
I'm a mouse.
[Door opens and shuts.]
You don't know anything about me.
I bet if you look "self-absorbed" up in the dictionary, you'd find your picture.
My picture's in the dictionary? Is it a good one? What am I wearing? Does my beak look big? Aha.
Gotcha! This is hopeless.
Don't get mad at me.
Those questions were impossible.
I bet you don't know when my birthday is.
Your birthday is April 17th.
Your favorite color is dusty rose, and you go to bed every night at 10:00 except on New Year's Eve, when you go to bed at 8:30 because, and I quote, "New Year's is a holiday invented by the media.
" - It is! - Forget it.
Find a different best friend to go on that show.
But I need you! I prize prizes above all else.
This is my shot at finally winning something.
I'll do anything! Even if it means focusing on someone other than yourself for more than 2 minutes? That sounds awful.
But I'll do it.
[New england accent.]
Well, Daffy, you know how I hate to talk about myself, but leave us turn back the clock.
It was on the east side of New York where me parents resided amidst humble surroundings.
[Snoring.]
[Normal voice.]
Did I say New York? I meant the planet Krypton.
[Grunts.]
Anywho, my parents knew that our planet was doomed.
[Orchestra performing "Superman theme".]
So my father, Jor-El Built this spaceship.
His dense molecular structure will make him strong.
He'll be fast-- virtually invulnerable, and he'll say "what's up, Doc? " Indiscriminately, whether he's speaking to a Doctor or not.
You will travel far, my little Bugs.
But we will never leave you.
You're from the planet Krypton? No, you maroon! That's the story of Superman.
Who is Superman? I can't believe I hitched my wagon to you.
You have a wagon? Daffy! Concentrate! On me! Oh! Sorry, Superman.
[Groans.]
This is going to be a long night.
And now, here's your host reswith the most,! Chuck Berost! [Cheering and applause.]
Hey, thanks, everybody! Let's meet our contestants.
First up, Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck.
What's up, Doc? It's a pleasure to be here, Chuck.
I'm a big fan.
Tell me, how long have you two known each other? - 17 years.
- 5 years.
Looks like you two better get on the same page.
[Laughter.]
And now, let's meet your challengers.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Oh, I'm sorry.
After you.
- Oh, no, after you.
- No, after you.
I insist.
- I insist more.
- I have an idea.
Oh, you always have good ideas.
I can hardly wait to hear.
Well, you won't have to wait.
I'm about to tell you.
- Oh, goody.
- My idea is that we both speak simultaneously.
Wonderful idea! Both: Hello.
Bugs and Daffy, looks like you've got some stiff competition.
Ok.
Here's the first question.
What is your roommate's favorite vegetable? Your favorite vegetable.
Hmm.
I'm going to go with beets, Chuck.
[Buzzer.]
Ohh! Uh-oh.
The correct answer was carrots.
You know what that means! [Laughter.]
Challengers? Your favorite vegetable? Well, I know he loves cauliflower.
Guilty! I do love cauliflower.
But he has been known to ask for seconds when I make sweet potatoes.
[lndistinct.]
You must try his sweet potatoes.
They are divine.
But if I had to pick his favorite vegetable, I would have to say pureed butternut squash in a balsamic reduction with just a hint of clover.
That's correct! [Applause.]
[Dings.]
I knew you'd get that right! Well, I knew that you knew I'd get that right! [Laughter.]
Next question.
What is your best friend's middle name? [Giggles.]
That's an easy one.
Sheldon.
[Buzzer.]
Aww! [Laughter.]
Armando? You know what that means! [Laughter.]
Bugs and Daffy, you've got some catching up to do.
And you're going to have a chance after the break.
[Cheering and applause.]
[Theme music plays.]
Daffy, your middle name is Sheldon.
That may be true, but Armando sounds cooler.
Well, do you want to sound cool, or do you want to win? I want to win! [Gulps.]
Well, then, we need a new strategy.
In the next round, whatever you're about to say, say the opposite.
That's a great idea! I mean, that's a horrible idea.
[Clicks.]
- Hello, competitors.
- Hello! We wanted to wish you luck.
Thanks.
Don't you want to wish us luck? Not particularly.
- I'll wish you luck.
- Why, thank you.
And good luck to you as well.
[Laughter.]
[Applause.]
[Theme music plays.]
Welcome back to "besties," the show about best friends.
Remember, say the opposite.
[Clicks.]
Tell me, who does your best friend most admire? I want to say me, but I guess I'll go with Groucho Marx? [Dings.]
[Applause.]
That's correct! I was going to say "take your daughter to work day," but instead, I'll say "Thanksgiving"? [Dings.]
Correct! [Applause.]
Everything in me is saying rockabilly, but I'll go with smooth jazz.
[Dings.]
[Applause.]
Correct! [Cheers.]
My gut says chocolate milk, but I'm going to go with Australia.
[Dings.]
[Applause.]
Correct! [Cheers.]
This final question is worth What is your best friend's catch phrase? If friends were flowers, I'd pick you? [Buzzer.]
Ohh! No, no.
It's "laugh, and the world laughs with you.
" Aww.
Uh-oh! You know what that means! [Laughter.]
Ooh! Feathers! Oh, what fun! It's like a pillow fight! [Laughing and talking indistinctly.]
Bugs and Daffy, now you have a chance to win.
Daffy, what is Bugs Bunny's catchphrase? Hmm.
Think.
Catchphrase.
Really? I say it all the time.
I know this.
I know this.
It's sort of my go-to phrase.
It's right on the tip of my tongue.
It's in the form of a question.
I say it with a lot of sarcasm.
Ehh I don't do mondays! - Aww! - Ooh, I'm sorry! We were looking for "what's up, Doc?" And Say it with me.
You know what that means! [Scattered murmuring.]
[Cheering and laughter.]
That means you're our winners! Gene, tell 'em what they won! A fabulous cruise! A cruise? [Laughs.]
How exciting! We've always wanted to go on a cruise! [Muffled music plays.]
That's your catchphrase? "What's up, Doc?" What does that even mean? We don't even know any doctors.
[Thumping.]
Ow! Ooh! Who's doing that? Ow! Oof! Oh! [Grunting.]
"What's up, Doc?" Terrible.
Just the world's worst catchphrase.
And I don't remember you ever saying it.
Say it.
What's up, Doc? Nope.
Doesn't ring a bell.
But it sure cost us the game.
What cost us the game was going on a game show about best friends when it's obvious that we're not.
You're saying I'm not your best friend? Why? Because I don't know anything about you? Because I never ask any questions or show any interest in you? Because I take you for granted? Because if it is, that's awfully petty of you.
My best friend would probably know that I like carrots.
He would most likely know my birthday, and he would definitely know my last name.
And for the record, I would have loved to have won a cruise.
And that is what's up, Doc.
That still doesn't sound right.
[Birds singing and distant dog barking.]
Well.
If he's not going to open the door for me, I guess I'll just let myself out.
Oh.
So I guess I also have to make my own breakfast? I guess I have to peel my own banana, too.
- Hey, that's my banana! - [Gasps.]
A rat! For the last time, man, I'm a mouse! Bugs, help! Why should he help you? You didn't help him on that game show last night.
You know, you'd think you'd show Señor Bunny a little more respect, considering he lets you live here.
I don't live here.
I'm just crashing here until I get back on my feet.
Fyi, when you crash somewhere for 5 years, you live there.
All right? You're not a best friend.
You're a terrible friend.
Why am I a terrible friend? Let me answer that question with a question.
[Chomps.]
How many friends do you have besides Señor Bunny? Well, let's see.
You? - I'm not your friend.
- Ok, then.
There's that guy that comes over once a week, and we hang out by the pool.
I think his name is fong or trang.
Are you talking about the guy who comes to clean the pool? [Lndistinct.]
You're kidding yourself, man.
Señor Bunny is your only friend.
If you're not careful, soon, you'll have no friends.
- Who needs friends? - I'll tell you who-- someone with no girlfriend, no job, no credit, no hobbies, no social skills Wait.
I think I know someone like that.
Daniel? No, idiot.
You.
You're nothing without Señor Bunny.
Then what do I do? You got to try harder to be his friend.
Like, how much harder? Two percent? - More.
- Five percent? - More.
- Seven percent? Are you out of your mind? What? No one can give 100! It's physically impossible! You got to dig deep.
You got to go to the place inside you where you've never been.
My soul? You need to have a soul in order to go there.
No, no, no.
I'm talking about in here.
Now, try.
[Gasps.]
[Grunts.]
Ugh.
That's good enough, right? No.
Look at me.
You can do this.
Now, try.
- [Gasps and grunts.]
- Harder! [Grunting continues.]
It hurts! Harder! I'm dying! No! You're trying! [Grunting.]
I'm going to be the best best friend that any best friend has ever had! [Laughing.]
Uh-oh.
You can open your eyes now, best friend.
Huh? [Foghorn.]
Guess what? I got you the cruise you wanted! The one from the game show? Surprised? Well, you shouldn't be.
It's just what one best friend would do for another best friend.
[Salsa music playing.]
[Sea gulls crying.]
Who knew cruising could be so much fun? I cannot remember the last time I had this much fun.
Hey, do you think it's possible to have too much fun? Hmm! Interesting question.
I guess there's only one way to find out.
- Oh? And what might that be? - Keep having fun! - [Both laugh.]
- Game's over.
You've been hogging the court long enough.
- Oh, hello! - Fancy meeting you here! Move it along, gophers.
It's my best friend's turn.
Hey, Bugsy, old pal.
A shuffle board court opened up! Daffy, I'm reading.
I don't want to play shuffleboard.
Yeah, me neither.
[Splashes.]
Hmmph! There's only one thing to do about that.
Limbo contest on the leader deck? [Both laugh.]
[Metal scraping.]
[Distant sea gulls cry.]
What's up, Doc? Oh, is that just your thing? I don't want to step on any toes.
[Smooth jazz music playing.]
Smooth jazz.
I know it's your favorite.
Do you mind? You done with that page? Just let me know when you're done.
I'll flip it when you're done.
Done yet? Done yet? Done yet? Aah! [Music stops.]
I'll save your place! Whoo-hoo! Carrot? I know they're your favorite! [Grunts.]
[Toots.]
Aah! Happy 189 days until your birthday! [Toots.]
I just saw my life flash before my eyes.
Ooh! Tell me all about it.
This time, I promise I'll listen.
Daffy, you got to back off.
Sure thing.
This good? - More.
- This good? - More.
- This good? Whoa! [Banging.]
[Crashes.]
Yeah.
That's good.
Is everyone enjoying the cruise? Oh, indeed! It's our first one.
And I must say, I'm a fan of cruising.
Oh, yes.
We're cruisers now.
[Metal groans.]
Excuse me.
Excuse me pardon me.
Excuse me.
Coming through.
[Metal groaning and dishes clanking.]
I wasn't sure what you wanted, so I brought you everything.
[Giggles.]
Get your own buffet.
This one's for my best friend.
[Crying.]
Daffy, you're embarrassing me.
[Clinks.]
I'd like to propose a toast to the most important person on this ship.
Sit down, you glorified bus driver.
Ahem.
Ahem.
A rat once told me that friendship takes a lot of effort, but I'm not interested in friendship.
I'm interested in best friendship.
And best friendship takes a whole lot more.
It means waiting on your best friend hand and foot, buying their affection.
Robotically memorizing every trivial little fact about them.
It means support them above all others.
Possibly to the detriment of those others.
Especially to the detriment of those others.
Best friends have all of the same interests Whether those interests are interesting or not.
A best friend is someone you'd happily commit a crime for.
- Any crime! - No matter how heinous! The heinouser, the betterer.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
That's not a best friend.
That's a stalker.
Daffy, I know I said you weren't my best friend, but after these past few days, seeing all the effort you've put in, seeing how hard you've tried, I have to say You got to stop trying.
What? It's not your thing.
Would it be nice if you remembered the occasional birthday or food I'm highly allergic to? Sure.
But not if it means we turn into those guys.
No offense.
Both: None taken.
Daffy, you're a mean spirited, self-absorbed, disturbed little weirdo.
But for whatever reason, you're my best friend.
Ooh! [Applause.]
[Murmuring.]
You're my best friend, too, Bugs bada-blingya.
Ehh.
Good enough.
[Foghorn.]
[Sea gulls crying.]
Seriously, how did you pay for all this? I used your credit card.
I memorized the number.
Hey! I do know something about you! They could have asked me that on the game show! It's 9481, 6400, [Grunting.]
[Muffled talking.]
Sync and corrected