The Lovers (2023) s01e01 Episode Script
Episode 1
1
Wellness
It's 7:00am
I wake after
having had on average
Seven hours and
41 minutes sleep
I've analysed my
sleep over the years
And found this is the
perfect amount for me
I often got to Hyde
Park, take off my shoes
And stare at the
sun for 20 minutes
Being barefoot grounds me
And I receive
electrons from the Earth
I sun-stare because the UV
rays aren't toxic in my eyes
The first hour after sunrise
And it resets my
circadian rhythms
8:30
Turn on my human charger
A device that shines light into
my ear and gives me energy
Big day today? Yep!
At some point between meetings
I try to have a shot
of activated charcoal
They sell it out of Pret now
Mm, we're so blessed
in Britain Cheers buddy.
I love you! Seamus!
/ Seamus!
Hey you. Seamus?
I just wanted to say a quick hello-
Oh yeah! Sure, let's do this.
Ok, here we go Smile!
Have a good day, you.
Seamus! Hey, buddy.
There's lots of-
WOMAN: Sorry
Seamus.
They said we've got
to have it out by Thursday.
Seamus! Hey, Tim!
Seamus! Ah-ha-ha!
Ndidi. Hi.
Uh, have you two already met?
Sort of. I'm Ndidi.
Your producer. Oh, hi!
God. I'm sorry, I
thought you were a
I thought you were a
fan! Oh no, I am a fan!
But I'm-I'm also
a producer! Agh!
I feel like a dick!
Right, come on! Yeah, yeah.
That's it so far. Seamus
O'Hannigan's TV show.
It's fucking
amazing! When can I tweet about it?
We're officially announcing at
noon. And there's been a change
in location too. I don't know
if your agent's told you.
No? We're broadcasting
from somewhere
a bit different from the
norm. It's really exciting.
Somewhere you know very
well. Begins with an I.
Islington! Woo! I won't
even need a driver!
No, no, no, no Ireland.
Northern Ireland.
Belfast, to be precise.
Belfast? We thought
you'd be happy.
Isn't that where
you're from? Um
Well, my-my mum
was, yeah, but I
I haven't
been back for years.
It's not ideal, but you only have
to be there one or two days a week.
We're under pressure to produce
more content from outside London.
It was Belfast or Cardiff, so
we thought with your background-
This is good. I'm
No, I'm-I'm happy.
Give me a chance to
"get
back in touch wit' me roots".
YOUNG SPENCER:
Straight Outta Belfast
Straight out of Belfast
and I'm bringing the boys
I got on Luca on the beat,
we're bringing the noise
In the north, west,
south, and the east
I've reds, blues,
orange and greens
In the Woodvale,
Oldpark, GC, BS
Screaming skulls and the SRD
Ah, in the west,
Poleglass and Twinbrook
Ah, down Divis that
be spinning the wheels
Ain't no ah can do what we do
Bombing MD Fuck it.
..Keeper lit ya cunt, yee. ♪
Damaged goods.
Janet?
I'll keep this brief, Janet.
You'll keep what brief?
What I'm about to say to you.
What are you about to say?
I'm about to say it if
you'll let me speak-
Oh, I wouldn't call
this brief. Stop it!
Stop everything you're doing.
The swearing, lateness,
stealing-I don't swear.
You swore at Jason.
He provoked me.
Why, what did he
say? "Good morning"
So, he said "good
morning" and you said
"Suck a fucking dick"? Who
says "good morning" anyway?
I mean, what does he think he
is? A fucking Disney princess?!
He's lucky I didn't punch him.
Janet, I do not enjoy firing people.
But if you keep going like this-
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll stop it.
I'll stop everything. Yeah.
Take the rest of the day off.
Come in tomorrow with a new
attitude. I'll do it tonight.
Do what?
How's your mental
health these days?
Suck a
fucking dick, Philip.
The issue of setting up a truth
and Reconciliation Commission
The visiting group of senators
will be talking to the leaders
of all the main parties to
try to find a way forward
Join me, Seamus O'Hannigan, for
a brand-new current affairs show
broadcasting live from
Belfast this Sunday.
This Sunday with
Seamus O'Hannigan.
We'll be talking to the UK's
leading politicians and asking them
the questions you want answered.
So join us this Sunday for
This Sunday with Seamus O'Hannigan,
with me, Seamus O'Hannigan.
Cut! It's a bit
repetitive isn't it?
Yeah A few too
many "This Sundays".
Yeah. And too many
"Seamus O'Hannigans"?
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, maybe.
Ndidi. Yeah?
Ndidi? Yeah.
Er Sorry. Thanks.
Are these Are
these new pages?
I thought you'd missed some important points.
/ Yeah.
Let's not bring up
suicide, shall we?
We don't want to lose our
audience in the first week.
Northern Ireland has one of the
highest suicide rates in the UK.
I thought we should at least-
Look, I get it Ndidi. You're
keen to make a
mark. But, um, hey,
I've been doing this a long time.
So, let me try something, OK?
What is unemployment?
Wikipedia defines unemployment
as "the situation of actively
looking for employment whilst
not currently being employed".
Like these "lads" you
see standing next me.
Here, in this divided
city, still reeling
from the collective
national trauma
of the conflict known
as "The Troubles".
You can sense the
legacy of violence
still resting on
their young shoulders.
Now, to you or I they
may seem desperate,
dangerous, criminal, even.
Hello!
/ Fuck off. These young men
Dickhead. Seek
only one thing
Hope.
Jesus fucking Christ! Who
are you calling dangerous?
I wasn't actually calling
you-God! Everyone calm down.
No! Stop it!
We have permission
to film! Blah!
Help! Jesus!
Please, get off him!
Call the police!
Leave me alone! Leave me alone!
Help!
Seamus!
There he
is! Get after him!
Fuck.
Little shits! Come
here! Come back!
We only want to talk to
you about your TV show.
Fuck!
Grab those legs!
Help me!
You saved my life.
You saved mine.
Fucking prick! They
took my phone. Wait!
Can I just come in and, um
Please, er, can I call a taxi?
Can a girl not kill
herself in peace today?!
And as we enter
this year's marching season,
tensions are rising
throughout the province
I'm fucking drenched.
Fucking all over you.
Look at the state of yous.
Fuckin' all over me.
Of parades but as yet
no consensus has been
fighting this battle
for starting to hot up,
but the red team
and the blue team
are trying to make a
profit of their own.
Hello. Hi.
Um, listen, would you would
you mind if I wait inside?
It's just there's
still some rather
unsavoury characters
out there and, um
Do you wanna watch TV?
Y-Y-Yeah, yeah?
There's nothing on. Oh?
Oh! Shit my phone!
How long did they say
they'd be? The taxi?
Yeah. Um Oh, er, about
20 minutes, so not long.
No.
Not long at all.
You hungry?
It's just toast.
I wasn't planning on
having dinner tonight.
So why do you want
to kill yourself?
What brings you to
Belfast? Oh, um
I'm, uh, presenting a TV series.
You're presenting? Yes.
A TV series? Yes.
You're presenting? Yes.
A TV series? Yes.
Are you a TV presenter? Yeah.
Fuck off! That was
quite sore actually.
Are you famous?
Er, well kind of.
Ow. Could you stop
hitting me please?
Fuck! A famous TV presenter!
In my kitchen!
Do you really not
know who I am? No.
I thought you did the way you
were looking at me in the bedroom.
I wasn't looking at you in the bedroom.
/ You were.
You were looking at me in the mirror.
/ I don't know what you're talking about.
If anything, you were looking
at me. How would you know
I was looking at you unless
you were looking at me?
What's your TV show
called? Uh, it's called
This Sunday with Seamus O'Hannigan.
Who's Seamus O'Hannigan?
Well, I am. Oh.
What other TV shows have you presented?
/ Uh
Well Well, technically
OK, I came from radio-You're
not actually a TV presenter.
Well, I mean I've
guest presented things.
I've been a panellist
on other shows.
What kind of shows?
The Politics Hour.
Never heard of it.
Politics Today?
Nope. The Political Notebook?
I don't really follow politics. That's
probably why you haven't heard of me.
Probably cos you're not really famous.
/ But I am quite famous.
But not famous like Charlotte Crosby or Stacey Solomon.
/ Who are they?
Geordie Shore?
Who's Geordie Shore?
Oh no, don't worry, don't
worry, I-I'll look them up.
Oh, fucking hell, my phone!
How do you not know
who Stacey Solomon is?
X Factor? I'm a Celebrity?
Celebrity Juice?
Celebrity Gogglebox? Oh
jeez, you mean Reality TV?
Jesus Christ, no. I mean,
that's just for ignorant morons
who'd be better off shooting
themselves in the fucking face.
No offence.
That'll be your taxi.
Yeah
Uh Listen, are
you gonna be ok?
Fuck!
Oh fuck! Oh shit!
Fuck, fuck, oh fuck.
Fuck, oh shit.
Oh? Oh fuck!
Oh.
Fucking hell!
What are you doing here?
I thought you were trying
to kill yourself again.
I'm eating a bar of chocolate.
Would you mind calling
me a taxi? Again?
Please?
Er, no, that's dead on.
I'll try someone else.
I've rang every taxi
firm in East Belfast.
They're all booked up. You
won't get a cab for hours.
Oh fuck.
Is-Is there no one else you can
try? Look, mate, I'm not doing this
all night! Sorry, yeah.
Ok. Well, thanks
I can walk, I suppose.
Thanks for trying.
You're welcome to stay
the night. Oh. Uh, well
Obviously, I don't mean-
No, I know, no I mean I-
It's just it's late, you know-I
didn't think you meant anything.
Anyway, the offer's
there. I appreciate it.
It's not an offer of anything more than a bed.
/ Right. Right.
Oh and when I say bed, you know,
I don't mean, fucking-Gotcha.
You can sleep on
the sofa. Thanks.
Woo-hoo!
Yeah!
So, do I have to worry
about an irate husband
coming home and finding a
strange man on his sofa?
My husband's dead.
Oh. Sorry.
He died two months
ago.
Is that why you're depressed?
Who said I was depressed?
Oh, um, well you were
You were trying to ki Uh
I'd prefer not to
talk about it. OK.
It's just, it-it's good to talk
about these things. You know.
It's good to It can be helpful
to get them off your chest.
And I'm-I'm a very
good listener.
Well, actually-In fact,
I-I-I once interviewed
the former Archbishop of Canterbury,
Rowan Williams, and he said
he said, it was the best interview
he's ever done because
because I'm such
a good listener.
Yeah, it might be good to talk about it, actually.
/ Yeah.
Yeah
So, how did he
die? I killed him.
What?
I murdered him. Oh
It was a sex game gone wrong.
I was dominating him
and I took it too far.
I shoved a what
do you call it?
It's like a it's like
a vibrator, but it
it doesn't vibrate. A dildo?
Dildo?
/ Yeah. Yeah, a dildo.
Yeah, I shoved a dildo down
his throat and he, um
he choked on it.
He choked on a dildo.
Mm.
I'm joking.
Fu
He left me for another woman.
Sleep tight.
Hi. Jesus Christ!
I couldn't sleep in my room
because of the broken window.
Yeah. It's too cold.
Hiya.
Hi.
Better get ready
for work.
'This Sunday with'
'Hello and welcome to the
very first very first
Oh shit. Come on. This
Sunday with Seamus
Hello we're in
Belfast live for'
Morning.
You alright?
Yeah, just just a bit
nervous.
About this interview.
What interview?
I'm interviewing the, uh
the Secretary of State
for Work and Pensions.
You know, when I'm
nervous I sing.
Sorry, you what? I
made up this wee song
and I sing it to myself
whenever I feel nervous.
Come on, let's hear it then.
No, I don't think so.
Come on sing the song.
No, I'm not singing it.
Please sing the song.
I'm not singing it. It
really I wanna hear-
Don't be nervous.
Nerves are for dickheads.
So, if you're nervous
that makes you a dickhead
So, don't be
fucking nervous.
Wow!
/ I knew you wouldn't fucking appreciate it.
No, no, it's not that,
it's just, it's like,
let's be honest, it doesn't rhyme at all.
/ So?
Well, I mean, there's no tune.
I mean, you couldn't
categorise it as a song.
Well, it's worked
though, hasn't it? How?
It's You're not
worrying anymore.
Yeah.
RYAN MCMULLAN: RUTHLESS CUPID
Don't wanna leave
but I gotta go home
Where'd you come
from, where did you go?
I don't recall
ever feeling so low
Washed up and burned
out, 30 years old
I'm holding out
for a little romance
But nobody's ever
said "shut up and dance"
Like the way that you did babe
Yeah, you made
me feel something
What? ♪
Oh, honey come back
You never told me your name
What kind of game
have you got me in?
Whatever it is,
I'd let you win
Oh, now I see you
with some other guy
Washed up and pissed off
If you can't stand the heat,
then get out of the kitchen.
I hope you've enjoyed
this first show
as much as I have.
Thanks for joining us.
See you next Sunday.
Keep her lit, Seamus.
Well done Seamus,
that was brilliant.
We love you Seamus!
Get on Seamus.
Oh, honey come back, you
never told me your name
Good morning.
I should've known it
would always end up this way
Oh, Cupid, you're ruthless
Oh, Cupid, I'm just stupid
But Cupid, this goose
chase ain't over yet. ♪
Ladies and Gentlemen,
we are experiencing a little
turbulence coming into London.
Please remain in your
seats as the captain has
put on the fasten
your seatbelt sign.
Don't be nervous.
Nerves are for dickheads.
So, if you're nervous,
it makes you a dickhead.
So, don't be
fucking nervous.
Huh.
Seamus? I thought you
were still in Ireland.
I just got back.
Oh my God, what
happened to your face?
I was attacked by a gang
of thugs in Belfast.
Why didn't you call me?
They stole my phone.
Hi. Hi.
Did-Did you still do the
show? Didn't you watch it?
Sorry, I actually was
filming all night.
Did you see my interview
in The Observer?
They mentioned you a lot.
Me? It's not about me.
You're a totally brilliant
actor in your own right.
I'm so sick of this
patriarchal bullshit!
Shall we go for dinner?
THE VACCINES: If You Wanna
Well, I don't want to
wake up in the morning
But I've got to face the day
That's what all the friends
I do not like
as much as you say
I don't want to do
things independently
But I can't make you stay
That's what all the friends
I do not like
as much as you say
But if you wanna come back
it's alright, it's alright
It's alright if
you wanna come back
Do you wanna come back?
It's alright, it's alright
It's alright if you
wanna come back to me
Alone
All alone
I, I am on my own
Alone
All alone
I, I am on my own
But if you wanna come back
it's alright, it's alright
It's alright if
you wanna come back
Do you wanna come back?
It's alright, it's alright
It's alright if you
wanna come back to me
But do you wanna come back?
It's alright, it's alright
It's alright if
you wanna come back
Do you wanna come back?
It's alright, it's alright
It's alright if
you wanna come back
Do you wanna come back?
It's alright, it's alright
It's alright if
you wanna come back
Do you wanna come back?
It's alright, it's alright
It's alright if you
wanna come back to me. ♪
AccessibleCustomerService@sky.uk
Wellness
It's 7:00am
I wake after
having had on average
Seven hours and
41 minutes sleep
I've analysed my
sleep over the years
And found this is the
perfect amount for me
I often got to Hyde
Park, take off my shoes
And stare at the
sun for 20 minutes
Being barefoot grounds me
And I receive
electrons from the Earth
I sun-stare because the UV
rays aren't toxic in my eyes
The first hour after sunrise
And it resets my
circadian rhythms
8:30
Turn on my human charger
A device that shines light into
my ear and gives me energy
Big day today? Yep!
At some point between meetings
I try to have a shot
of activated charcoal
They sell it out of Pret now
Mm, we're so blessed
in Britain Cheers buddy.
I love you! Seamus!
/ Seamus!
Hey you. Seamus?
I just wanted to say a quick hello-
Oh yeah! Sure, let's do this.
Ok, here we go Smile!
Have a good day, you.
Seamus! Hey, buddy.
There's lots of-
WOMAN: Sorry
Seamus.
They said we've got
to have it out by Thursday.
Seamus! Hey, Tim!
Seamus! Ah-ha-ha!
Ndidi. Hi.
Uh, have you two already met?
Sort of. I'm Ndidi.
Your producer. Oh, hi!
God. I'm sorry, I
thought you were a
I thought you were a
fan! Oh no, I am a fan!
But I'm-I'm also
a producer! Agh!
I feel like a dick!
Right, come on! Yeah, yeah.
That's it so far. Seamus
O'Hannigan's TV show.
It's fucking
amazing! When can I tweet about it?
We're officially announcing at
noon. And there's been a change
in location too. I don't know
if your agent's told you.
No? We're broadcasting
from somewhere
a bit different from the
norm. It's really exciting.
Somewhere you know very
well. Begins with an I.
Islington! Woo! I won't
even need a driver!
No, no, no, no Ireland.
Northern Ireland.
Belfast, to be precise.
Belfast? We thought
you'd be happy.
Isn't that where
you're from? Um
Well, my-my mum
was, yeah, but I
I haven't
been back for years.
It's not ideal, but you only have
to be there one or two days a week.
We're under pressure to produce
more content from outside London.
It was Belfast or Cardiff, so
we thought with your background-
This is good. I'm
No, I'm-I'm happy.
Give me a chance to
"get
back in touch wit' me roots".
YOUNG SPENCER:
Straight Outta Belfast
Straight out of Belfast
and I'm bringing the boys
I got on Luca on the beat,
we're bringing the noise
In the north, west,
south, and the east
I've reds, blues,
orange and greens
In the Woodvale,
Oldpark, GC, BS
Screaming skulls and the SRD
Ah, in the west,
Poleglass and Twinbrook
Ah, down Divis that
be spinning the wheels
Ain't no ah can do what we do
Bombing MD Fuck it.
..Keeper lit ya cunt, yee. ♪
Damaged goods.
Janet?
I'll keep this brief, Janet.
You'll keep what brief?
What I'm about to say to you.
What are you about to say?
I'm about to say it if
you'll let me speak-
Oh, I wouldn't call
this brief. Stop it!
Stop everything you're doing.
The swearing, lateness,
stealing-I don't swear.
You swore at Jason.
He provoked me.
Why, what did he
say? "Good morning"
So, he said "good
morning" and you said
"Suck a fucking dick"? Who
says "good morning" anyway?
I mean, what does he think he
is? A fucking Disney princess?!
He's lucky I didn't punch him.
Janet, I do not enjoy firing people.
But if you keep going like this-
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll stop it.
I'll stop everything. Yeah.
Take the rest of the day off.
Come in tomorrow with a new
attitude. I'll do it tonight.
Do what?
How's your mental
health these days?
Suck a
fucking dick, Philip.
The issue of setting up a truth
and Reconciliation Commission
The visiting group of senators
will be talking to the leaders
of all the main parties to
try to find a way forward
Join me, Seamus O'Hannigan, for
a brand-new current affairs show
broadcasting live from
Belfast this Sunday.
This Sunday with
Seamus O'Hannigan.
We'll be talking to the UK's
leading politicians and asking them
the questions you want answered.
So join us this Sunday for
This Sunday with Seamus O'Hannigan,
with me, Seamus O'Hannigan.
Cut! It's a bit
repetitive isn't it?
Yeah A few too
many "This Sundays".
Yeah. And too many
"Seamus O'Hannigans"?
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, maybe.
Ndidi. Yeah?
Ndidi? Yeah.
Er Sorry. Thanks.
Are these Are
these new pages?
I thought you'd missed some important points.
/ Yeah.
Let's not bring up
suicide, shall we?
We don't want to lose our
audience in the first week.
Northern Ireland has one of the
highest suicide rates in the UK.
I thought we should at least-
Look, I get it Ndidi. You're
keen to make a
mark. But, um, hey,
I've been doing this a long time.
So, let me try something, OK?
What is unemployment?
Wikipedia defines unemployment
as "the situation of actively
looking for employment whilst
not currently being employed".
Like these "lads" you
see standing next me.
Here, in this divided
city, still reeling
from the collective
national trauma
of the conflict known
as "The Troubles".
You can sense the
legacy of violence
still resting on
their young shoulders.
Now, to you or I they
may seem desperate,
dangerous, criminal, even.
Hello!
/ Fuck off. These young men
Dickhead. Seek
only one thing
Hope.
Jesus fucking Christ! Who
are you calling dangerous?
I wasn't actually calling
you-God! Everyone calm down.
No! Stop it!
We have permission
to film! Blah!
Help! Jesus!
Please, get off him!
Call the police!
Leave me alone! Leave me alone!
Help!
Seamus!
There he
is! Get after him!
Fuck.
Little shits! Come
here! Come back!
We only want to talk to
you about your TV show.
Fuck!
Grab those legs!
Help me!
You saved my life.
You saved mine.
Fucking prick! They
took my phone. Wait!
Can I just come in and, um
Please, er, can I call a taxi?
Can a girl not kill
herself in peace today?!
And as we enter
this year's marching season,
tensions are rising
throughout the province
I'm fucking drenched.
Fucking all over you.
Look at the state of yous.
Fuckin' all over me.
Of parades but as yet
no consensus has been
fighting this battle
for starting to hot up,
but the red team
and the blue team
are trying to make a
profit of their own.
Hello. Hi.
Um, listen, would you would
you mind if I wait inside?
It's just there's
still some rather
unsavoury characters
out there and, um
Do you wanna watch TV?
Y-Y-Yeah, yeah?
There's nothing on. Oh?
Oh! Shit my phone!
How long did they say
they'd be? The taxi?
Yeah. Um Oh, er, about
20 minutes, so not long.
No.
Not long at all.
You hungry?
It's just toast.
I wasn't planning on
having dinner tonight.
So why do you want
to kill yourself?
What brings you to
Belfast? Oh, um
I'm, uh, presenting a TV series.
You're presenting? Yes.
A TV series? Yes.
You're presenting? Yes.
A TV series? Yes.
Are you a TV presenter? Yeah.
Fuck off! That was
quite sore actually.
Are you famous?
Er, well kind of.
Ow. Could you stop
hitting me please?
Fuck! A famous TV presenter!
In my kitchen!
Do you really not
know who I am? No.
I thought you did the way you
were looking at me in the bedroom.
I wasn't looking at you in the bedroom.
/ You were.
You were looking at me in the mirror.
/ I don't know what you're talking about.
If anything, you were looking
at me. How would you know
I was looking at you unless
you were looking at me?
What's your TV show
called? Uh, it's called
This Sunday with Seamus O'Hannigan.
Who's Seamus O'Hannigan?
Well, I am. Oh.
What other TV shows have you presented?
/ Uh
Well Well, technically
OK, I came from radio-You're
not actually a TV presenter.
Well, I mean I've
guest presented things.
I've been a panellist
on other shows.
What kind of shows?
The Politics Hour.
Never heard of it.
Politics Today?
Nope. The Political Notebook?
I don't really follow politics. That's
probably why you haven't heard of me.
Probably cos you're not really famous.
/ But I am quite famous.
But not famous like Charlotte Crosby or Stacey Solomon.
/ Who are they?
Geordie Shore?
Who's Geordie Shore?
Oh no, don't worry, don't
worry, I-I'll look them up.
Oh, fucking hell, my phone!
How do you not know
who Stacey Solomon is?
X Factor? I'm a Celebrity?
Celebrity Juice?
Celebrity Gogglebox? Oh
jeez, you mean Reality TV?
Jesus Christ, no. I mean,
that's just for ignorant morons
who'd be better off shooting
themselves in the fucking face.
No offence.
That'll be your taxi.
Yeah
Uh Listen, are
you gonna be ok?
Fuck!
Oh fuck! Oh shit!
Fuck, fuck, oh fuck.
Fuck, oh shit.
Oh? Oh fuck!
Oh.
Fucking hell!
What are you doing here?
I thought you were trying
to kill yourself again.
I'm eating a bar of chocolate.
Would you mind calling
me a taxi? Again?
Please?
Er, no, that's dead on.
I'll try someone else.
I've rang every taxi
firm in East Belfast.
They're all booked up. You
won't get a cab for hours.
Oh fuck.
Is-Is there no one else you can
try? Look, mate, I'm not doing this
all night! Sorry, yeah.
Ok. Well, thanks
I can walk, I suppose.
Thanks for trying.
You're welcome to stay
the night. Oh. Uh, well
Obviously, I don't mean-
No, I know, no I mean I-
It's just it's late, you know-I
didn't think you meant anything.
Anyway, the offer's
there. I appreciate it.
It's not an offer of anything more than a bed.
/ Right. Right.
Oh and when I say bed, you know,
I don't mean, fucking-Gotcha.
You can sleep on
the sofa. Thanks.
Woo-hoo!
Yeah!
So, do I have to worry
about an irate husband
coming home and finding a
strange man on his sofa?
My husband's dead.
Oh. Sorry.
He died two months
ago.
Is that why you're depressed?
Who said I was depressed?
Oh, um, well you were
You were trying to ki Uh
I'd prefer not to
talk about it. OK.
It's just, it-it's good to talk
about these things. You know.
It's good to It can be helpful
to get them off your chest.
And I'm-I'm a very
good listener.
Well, actually-In fact,
I-I-I once interviewed
the former Archbishop of Canterbury,
Rowan Williams, and he said
he said, it was the best interview
he's ever done because
because I'm such
a good listener.
Yeah, it might be good to talk about it, actually.
/ Yeah.
Yeah
So, how did he
die? I killed him.
What?
I murdered him. Oh
It was a sex game gone wrong.
I was dominating him
and I took it too far.
I shoved a what
do you call it?
It's like a it's like
a vibrator, but it
it doesn't vibrate. A dildo?
Dildo?
/ Yeah. Yeah, a dildo.
Yeah, I shoved a dildo down
his throat and he, um
he choked on it.
He choked on a dildo.
Mm.
I'm joking.
Fu
He left me for another woman.
Sleep tight.
Hi. Jesus Christ!
I couldn't sleep in my room
because of the broken window.
Yeah. It's too cold.
Hiya.
Hi.
Better get ready
for work.
'This Sunday with'
'Hello and welcome to the
very first very first
Oh shit. Come on. This
Sunday with Seamus
Hello we're in
Belfast live for'
Morning.
You alright?
Yeah, just just a bit
nervous.
About this interview.
What interview?
I'm interviewing the, uh
the Secretary of State
for Work and Pensions.
You know, when I'm
nervous I sing.
Sorry, you what? I
made up this wee song
and I sing it to myself
whenever I feel nervous.
Come on, let's hear it then.
No, I don't think so.
Come on sing the song.
No, I'm not singing it.
Please sing the song.
I'm not singing it. It
really I wanna hear-
Don't be nervous.
Nerves are for dickheads.
So, if you're nervous
that makes you a dickhead
So, don't be
fucking nervous.
Wow!
/ I knew you wouldn't fucking appreciate it.
No, no, it's not that,
it's just, it's like,
let's be honest, it doesn't rhyme at all.
/ So?
Well, I mean, there's no tune.
I mean, you couldn't
categorise it as a song.
Well, it's worked
though, hasn't it? How?
It's You're not
worrying anymore.
Yeah.
RYAN MCMULLAN: RUTHLESS CUPID
Don't wanna leave
but I gotta go home
Where'd you come
from, where did you go?
I don't recall
ever feeling so low
Washed up and burned
out, 30 years old
I'm holding out
for a little romance
But nobody's ever
said "shut up and dance"
Like the way that you did babe
Yeah, you made
me feel something
What? ♪
Oh, honey come back
You never told me your name
What kind of game
have you got me in?
Whatever it is,
I'd let you win
Oh, now I see you
with some other guy
Washed up and pissed off
If you can't stand the heat,
then get out of the kitchen.
I hope you've enjoyed
this first show
as much as I have.
Thanks for joining us.
See you next Sunday.
Keep her lit, Seamus.
Well done Seamus,
that was brilliant.
We love you Seamus!
Get on Seamus.
Oh, honey come back, you
never told me your name
Good morning.
I should've known it
would always end up this way
Oh, Cupid, you're ruthless
Oh, Cupid, I'm just stupid
But Cupid, this goose
chase ain't over yet. ♪
Ladies and Gentlemen,
we are experiencing a little
turbulence coming into London.
Please remain in your
seats as the captain has
put on the fasten
your seatbelt sign.
Don't be nervous.
Nerves are for dickheads.
So, if you're nervous,
it makes you a dickhead.
So, don't be
fucking nervous.
Huh.
Seamus? I thought you
were still in Ireland.
I just got back.
Oh my God, what
happened to your face?
I was attacked by a gang
of thugs in Belfast.
Why didn't you call me?
They stole my phone.
Hi. Hi.
Did-Did you still do the
show? Didn't you watch it?
Sorry, I actually was
filming all night.
Did you see my interview
in The Observer?
They mentioned you a lot.
Me? It's not about me.
You're a totally brilliant
actor in your own right.
I'm so sick of this
patriarchal bullshit!
Shall we go for dinner?
THE VACCINES: If You Wanna
Well, I don't want to
wake up in the morning
But I've got to face the day
That's what all the friends
I do not like
as much as you say
I don't want to do
things independently
But I can't make you stay
That's what all the friends
I do not like
as much as you say
But if you wanna come back
it's alright, it's alright
It's alright if
you wanna come back
Do you wanna come back?
It's alright, it's alright
It's alright if you
wanna come back to me
Alone
All alone
I, I am on my own
Alone
All alone
I, I am on my own
But if you wanna come back
it's alright, it's alright
It's alright if
you wanna come back
Do you wanna come back?
It's alright, it's alright
It's alright if you
wanna come back to me
But do you wanna come back?
It's alright, it's alright
It's alright if
you wanna come back
Do you wanna come back?
It's alright, it's alright
It's alright if
you wanna come back
Do you wanna come back?
It's alright, it's alright
It's alright if
you wanna come back
Do you wanna come back?
It's alright, it's alright
It's alright if you
wanna come back to me. ♪
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