The Marriage of Reason and Squalor (2015) s01e01 Episode Script
Part 1
Oh, no! SHE invited US out.
She wanted to get our attention and now she is getting it.
Has anyone ever met this fiance of hers? What's his name? Hertz? Consultant surgeon Algernon Hertz.
Oh, I do beg your pardon! Excuse me.
She's just got out of bloody hospital.
Come on, Lydia.
It's your hen night.
Let yourself go.
Plenty of that where you're going.
Come on, Lydia! Go! Go! Go! Go! Come on! Lydia? Lydia? Poor Lydia.
Are you OK? I-I'm I'm fine.
I'm perfectly fine.
Lydia we don't have to do this, you know.
Do what? You know.
All of this.
Listen, everyone feels bad about themselves sometimes and when you feel so bad about yourself, you can just make stuff up to make yourself feel better.
I don't know what you mean.
All that time in hospital must have taken its toll, hm? What are you saying? Look, Lydia.
They're making fun of you, the girls out there, but the whole office is doing it behind your back.
No one believes your stories.
No one believes Dr Hertz even exists.
That's because you don't know Algernon.
He's He's kind.
And he's decent.
He's the most perfect and wonderful man in all the world.
And it may seem strange to you, to all of you, that someone like that would want to marry someone like me.
But maybe Maybe you're all just jealous.
Anyway, he does.
I was just trying to help.
Well, I don't need your help! Algernon loves me.
That's That's all that I need.
OK, Lydia.
Fine.
I hope you'll both be very happy together on your tropical island.
Well, I don't care what you think! It's paradise.
And I know that because Algernon says it is.
'Come to me 'Come to me 'Come to me 'Come 'Come 'Come' My God.
It really is perfect.
The island of Morass.
It's beautiful.
So beautiful.
Are you sure you want to get off here? Are you sure you want to stay here on this island? Yes? Yes.
Yes, I do.
I do.
Are you sick and tired of the daily grind? Do you want to leave all the scheisse behind? On the island of Morass you can unwind.
Sun and sea and sand.
The island of Morass, she's grand.
Miss Love? Miss Love! I'm to take you to the hotel.
Straight to the hotel.
Oh, look! There it is again.
Is that so, miss? What is it? What's what, miss? Up there on the volcano.
It's a glinting thing.
A reflection, like like a mirror.
Hmm.
Best you not worry about none of that, miss.
What if someone's up there? What if they're in trouble? Best you not go thinking about climbing up there, miss.
That volcano is no place for a nice, pretty lady like yourself.
Well I really shouldn't be in the sun anyway.
My doctor's always warning me.
My fiance.
I know it sounds funny, but my doctor is my fiance.
He's always warning me.
Well, of course, you must know him.
Dr Hertz.
Dr Algernon Hertz.
He's the owner of the island.
I can't believe he's giving me the island for a wedding present.
I mean, I have told him that he's crazy.
But he can be very stubborn.
Very, very stubborn.
This is nice.
Is it far to the hotel? No, miss.
Nowhere's far on Morass.
Whoa! Oh! What is that awful, awful smell?! Oh, you'll get used to it soon enough.
Soon enough.
Welcome.
Oh, er Thank you.
Welcome to Morass.
Mark my words, miss, you'll never want to leave paradise.
And when you do you'll wish that you never came.
Er Oh.
Forward, boy.
Go, boy.
God, what am I doing here? I don't know.
Maybe because Algernon sent us? It's so far from home.
Buck up, buttercup.
All it needs is a little attention.
And some air.
There.
Much better.
Everything will be perfect when Algernon gets here.
I just have to be a little patient.
Maybe this is just one of Algernon's little tests.
Endure some hardship.
I mean, how are we ever going to do charity work together if I can't put up with a little bit of dirt? Hmm.
Apply liberally.
'Can't have Algernon coming all the way to paradise 'and me looking like death warmed up.
' We can start with these.
Hello? Hello! Anyone there? 'Oh.
That's nice.
'This one.
That one.
That's a good one.
'Lovely.
'That'll look good in the room.
'And that one.
'That's good.
'What's through here? I'll look in here.
'What is that? Pretty.
Oh, it's so beautiful.
'I'll take it.
Mine.
'I'll take it I will take it.
That's good.
'If I put them together I mean, I'm not very good at flower arranging, 'but they look very beautiful.
'Mmm.
Oh, what is that? 'It's so lovely.
'Gorgeous.
I just need to 'Oh, it's a bird of paradise.
My favourite.
'Look at that one.
'That looks good.
I'll take it anyway.
Brilliant.
'I've got that one.
' Help.
Return.
I'll go back.
Well, of course, you've forgotten water.
I know I have.
Typical! Well, how was I meant to know we were going to come all the way up here? Where are you going? I don't know.
Where are you going? I don't know! Maybe we could ask for water up at that house.
Hello? Is anyone home? Hello? Anyone? Anyone there? I was wondering if I could trouble you for a glass of water.
I'm just so thirsty and I got lost picking flowers.
Stupid, I know.
I just got too far up the volcano to go back down.
And .
.
that's when I saw your house.
Um So if if I could just trouble you for a glass of water and then I'll be on .
.
my way.
WHO ARE YOU?! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE?!
She wanted to get our attention and now she is getting it.
Has anyone ever met this fiance of hers? What's his name? Hertz? Consultant surgeon Algernon Hertz.
Oh, I do beg your pardon! Excuse me.
She's just got out of bloody hospital.
Come on, Lydia.
It's your hen night.
Let yourself go.
Plenty of that where you're going.
Come on, Lydia! Go! Go! Go! Go! Come on! Lydia? Lydia? Poor Lydia.
Are you OK? I-I'm I'm fine.
I'm perfectly fine.
Lydia we don't have to do this, you know.
Do what? You know.
All of this.
Listen, everyone feels bad about themselves sometimes and when you feel so bad about yourself, you can just make stuff up to make yourself feel better.
I don't know what you mean.
All that time in hospital must have taken its toll, hm? What are you saying? Look, Lydia.
They're making fun of you, the girls out there, but the whole office is doing it behind your back.
No one believes your stories.
No one believes Dr Hertz even exists.
That's because you don't know Algernon.
He's He's kind.
And he's decent.
He's the most perfect and wonderful man in all the world.
And it may seem strange to you, to all of you, that someone like that would want to marry someone like me.
But maybe Maybe you're all just jealous.
Anyway, he does.
I was just trying to help.
Well, I don't need your help! Algernon loves me.
That's That's all that I need.
OK, Lydia.
Fine.
I hope you'll both be very happy together on your tropical island.
Well, I don't care what you think! It's paradise.
And I know that because Algernon says it is.
'Come to me 'Come to me 'Come to me 'Come 'Come 'Come' My God.
It really is perfect.
The island of Morass.
It's beautiful.
So beautiful.
Are you sure you want to get off here? Are you sure you want to stay here on this island? Yes? Yes.
Yes, I do.
I do.
Are you sick and tired of the daily grind? Do you want to leave all the scheisse behind? On the island of Morass you can unwind.
Sun and sea and sand.
The island of Morass, she's grand.
Miss Love? Miss Love! I'm to take you to the hotel.
Straight to the hotel.
Oh, look! There it is again.
Is that so, miss? What is it? What's what, miss? Up there on the volcano.
It's a glinting thing.
A reflection, like like a mirror.
Hmm.
Best you not worry about none of that, miss.
What if someone's up there? What if they're in trouble? Best you not go thinking about climbing up there, miss.
That volcano is no place for a nice, pretty lady like yourself.
Well I really shouldn't be in the sun anyway.
My doctor's always warning me.
My fiance.
I know it sounds funny, but my doctor is my fiance.
He's always warning me.
Well, of course, you must know him.
Dr Hertz.
Dr Algernon Hertz.
He's the owner of the island.
I can't believe he's giving me the island for a wedding present.
I mean, I have told him that he's crazy.
But he can be very stubborn.
Very, very stubborn.
This is nice.
Is it far to the hotel? No, miss.
Nowhere's far on Morass.
Whoa! Oh! What is that awful, awful smell?! Oh, you'll get used to it soon enough.
Soon enough.
Welcome.
Oh, er Thank you.
Welcome to Morass.
Mark my words, miss, you'll never want to leave paradise.
And when you do you'll wish that you never came.
Er Oh.
Forward, boy.
Go, boy.
God, what am I doing here? I don't know.
Maybe because Algernon sent us? It's so far from home.
Buck up, buttercup.
All it needs is a little attention.
And some air.
There.
Much better.
Everything will be perfect when Algernon gets here.
I just have to be a little patient.
Maybe this is just one of Algernon's little tests.
Endure some hardship.
I mean, how are we ever going to do charity work together if I can't put up with a little bit of dirt? Hmm.
Apply liberally.
'Can't have Algernon coming all the way to paradise 'and me looking like death warmed up.
' We can start with these.
Hello? Hello! Anyone there? 'Oh.
That's nice.
'This one.
That one.
That's a good one.
'Lovely.
'That'll look good in the room.
'And that one.
'That's good.
'What's through here? I'll look in here.
'What is that? Pretty.
Oh, it's so beautiful.
'I'll take it.
Mine.
'I'll take it I will take it.
That's good.
'If I put them together I mean, I'm not very good at flower arranging, 'but they look very beautiful.
'Mmm.
Oh, what is that? 'It's so lovely.
'Gorgeous.
I just need to 'Oh, it's a bird of paradise.
My favourite.
'Look at that one.
'That looks good.
I'll take it anyway.
Brilliant.
'I've got that one.
' Help.
Return.
I'll go back.
Well, of course, you've forgotten water.
I know I have.
Typical! Well, how was I meant to know we were going to come all the way up here? Where are you going? I don't know.
Where are you going? I don't know! Maybe we could ask for water up at that house.
Hello? Is anyone home? Hello? Anyone? Anyone there? I was wondering if I could trouble you for a glass of water.
I'm just so thirsty and I got lost picking flowers.
Stupid, I know.
I just got too far up the volcano to go back down.
And .
.
that's when I saw your house.
Um So if if I could just trouble you for a glass of water and then I'll be on .
.
my way.
WHO ARE YOU?! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE?!