The Marty Feldman Comedy Machine (1971) s01e01 Episode Script
Episode 1
The Marty Feldman comedy machine, starring Oh good lord they'll give anyone their own series these days.
Orson Welles, my he has grown up now hasn't he? Osibisa, a little bit groovy I expect.
And Spike Milligan, I do hope my set can take him.
How the level of TV has dropped lately! And now in the field of medicine for special research, particularly in the field of mixed persons.
And the winner is Dr.
Henry Jekyll! Accepting the award for dr.
Jekyll will be mr.
Hyde.
Who won? Hello.
I am Otto Cratik, and I want to talk to you about an exciting new film I've just produced.
I've made hundreds of great movies, but I honestly believe that this one is worth seeing.
I'd like you to take a brief look at some of the outstanding scenes.
Could you run the trailer please? From the best seller on the shelf of every household, a book known and shared by millions, comes a film they said could never be made, would never be made, should never be made.
Otto Cratik proudly presents, the dictionary.
Yes, the dictionary.
Now at last you can see aardvark, ala mode, autonomy, abacus, axiomatic, and that's just the beginning of the dictionary.
You won't want to miss the confrontation between agriculture and anthropomorphic.
See some words grow from puberty to adultery, see a diabolical phonetic scheme, see the passionate moment when two verbs are conjugated.
I made this movie because the dictionary says it all, it tells it, like it is.
We shot the whole of of it on location.
We filmed decadence and depravity in Rome, where it actually happened.
It wasn't an easy film to make.
I ran into a few problems in the States where they wouldn't let us shoot liberty and lechery.
So we went to Mexico where we also filmed artichoke and Phillips screw.
I didn't want to pull any punches with his film, it has everything.
Sex, nudity, lust, lettuce, linoleum, and tonsillectomy.
The dictionary, a monumental achievement in film making, the film that's never at a loss for words.
Hear Frankie Laine sing the love theme from the dictionary.
The dictionary, filled with candid unabashed dialogue.
- No.
- Need.
- Negative.
- Nice.
- Naughty.
- Nonsense.
Necessary.
- Nerve.
- Neurosis.
- Nothing.
- Now.
- Never.
- Next.
Yes, the dictionary, you can't afford to miss it, with an all-star cast.
Burt Lancaster as xenophobia.
Brigitte Bardot as escargot.
Kirk Douglas in the dual role of Spartacus and asparagus.
Greta Garbo making her screen comeback as utensil.
And Marcel Marceau as all the silent letters.
No one will be admitted during the last ten minutes of zebra Zeus, and zither.
This picture rated X, Y, and Z.
All tall and tan and young and lovely the Girl From Ipanema goes walking and when she passes, each one she passes goes HWARGH, WHARG, HWOWOH! When she walks she's like a Samba that swing so cool, sways so gentle, that when she passes, each one she passes goes.
HIURGH HWBLLRGH, HIAHIAH! But I want you so sadly Yes, yes, I would give my heart gladly.
But each day when she walks to the sea, she looks at him not at me.
Tall and tan and young and lovely the Girl From Ipanema goes walking and when she passes each one Listen, it was a guy in drag.
And it was the wrong keys.
The following announcement comes to you immediately following that which has just preceded it, but not necessarily in that order.
This has been a recorded announcement.
I am a recorded announcer.
You are a recorded audience.
Let's face it: We're all in this bloody thing together.
This is New York City.
A frightened city, a city plagued by corruption, by pollution, and by an ever in East Side! And West Side! All around the town! Great, just great.
Do you know Chicago? Here, we have a skull, which is a remnant of the very earliest remains, of neolithic man.
Just add a few chopped vegetables and you'll have a lovely neolithic stew.
Next week: Brontosaurus in a basket.
Yes, here's Holocaust, that terrific guy, and real human being, that merrry master of mayhem, sincerely yours, Robby Greenhouse! The doomsday machine means that once again it's time for me, Robby Greenhouse, to welcome you to another destruction packed edition of Holocaust.
Well that's just a glimpse of some of the treats and goodies we've got in store for your on Holocaust, the game in which you, our viewer, could win the chance to work off your own aggressions, pay off old debts, wreak terrible revenges, or if you win our star prize, actually blow up the home of a person of your own choice.
That's marvellous, thank you very much, you're a very wonderful audience.
Well this week's bubble banger is a chance to drop personally a 10-ton bomb under the very famous Taj Mahal in India.
The rules are so simple that even an idiot could follow them, but I'll just explain them for the benefit of our viewers.
Each contestant has to answer a number of simple questions and carry out a number of simple tests.
The number of marks he gets are recorded in tons of TN on the doomsday machine over there.
Thank you Sandra.
Now the number of marks he gets determines the amount of prizes he will win.
So, ladies and gentlemen, everybody's a winner on Holocaust.
Thank you, but watch out, because we've got a number of booby prizes tucked away.
We start right away with our first contestant who is our returnee from last week, ladies and gentlemen, a big hand for goatrobber from London, mr.
Silas Ribbon.
Thank you Sandra, thank you Sandra.
Now Silas, how are you, welcome to have you on the show, it's marvelous to have you here, that's supergreat.
Now, you were just about to start your last test, camera's over there, Silas, over there, you were about to start your last test, when the time bomb exploded to bring our show to a halt.
That is correct, Robin, yes.
Now have you decided what you're going to do? Yes I have Robin.
Remember that your score stands at 657 pounds of TNT.
- Yes.
- And what are you going to do with them? I have decided - Yes.
to drop the chair on my boss' head.
- You're going to smash a chair - Smash it, yes.
You're going to smash a chair on your boss' head.
Isn't that great ladies and gentlemen? Thank you, right.
That's great Silas.
So he's going for the big one ladies and gentleman.
So let's beat Silas' boss, but before we do Silas, do you really hate him? With every fiber of my being.
Isn't that wonderful ladies and gentlemen, what a marvellous character.
So ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, let's beat Silas' boss, sir Arnold Fitzmaurice, okay? Bless you, bless you.
Bless you very sincerely so I will bow.
That's wonderful isn't it.
Now sir Arnold, if you'd just like to stand on this spot over here? Welcome to the condemned cell.
Yes, okay, now you have 30 seconds in which to smash this chair, thank you Simon, would you just give it to Silas, thank you.
You have 30 seconds to smash this chair over your boss' head, 30 seconds, from now! Isn't that great, a grand effort, a grand effort, you haven't quite knocked him out but you've certainly got him in trouble.
Okay, now sir Arnold bless you, did that hurt you not much, a bit, considerably, a lot, or very much indeed? That hurt a very much indeed.
Very much indeed.
Well done Silas.
And you have won, you have won, if you'll just come over here Silas, you have won the opportunity to fling this handgrenade, thank you Sandra, you have won the opportunity to fling this hand grenade into the front room of your bank manager.
Isn't that marvellous? Thank you and good luck Silas.
Thank you Robin.
Now, can we have our next contestant please, and from Warrington in Cheshire it's professional goat robber Tommy Gormley.
Hello Tommy, welcome on the show.
Now tell me - Hello lad.
Some of the lads from the pub.
Would you like to wave to them? That's great.
Now tell me Tommy, how old are you? That's fantastic, that really is.
Are you married? Oh, not really? No children? That's fantastic Tommy.
What a sport, ladies and gentlemen, isn't he a sport? I mean that very warmly and sincerely, bless you, Tommy.
- Well thank you - And now, Tommy, you've got the chance to unleash 30 seconds of verbal venom if you would just choose the picture of your favourite murderer from this rogues gallery over here.
Thank you Sandra.
Now just choose your favourite murderer and on the back is the topic we want you to abuse for 30 seconds.
Now who is it going to be, Jack the Ripper? - Well, I'll - Frankenstein? I'll have Jack the Ripper.
You want Jack the Ripper, would you like Nono, no, I'll have that one.
Good for you you.
He's going to take Adolf Hitler, isn't that marvelous, ladies and gentlemen, isn't that wonderful.
Okay Tommy, oh and Tommy, the verbal venom question is, we'd like you to yell vicious and violent invective at long-haired students.
Okay, Tommy, you'll have 30 seconds from now to yell violent invective at long-haired students, okay Tommy, from now.
- Now? Don't hang about lad.
I think long-haired students are silly.
Well, sorry Tommy, that isn't very violent.
Doomsday machine, how many points do we get for that answer? I'm afraid, Tommy, you only get three points for correct grammar out of a possible five hundred.
So, with your score, thank you Sandra, with your score out of 3 out of a possible 700 it's time for your final test, and do you want to go out with a bang, or with a whimper? - What do the lads think? - Do the bang! What are you going to do Tommy, what are you going to do? No, no, I'll go out with a whimper.
He's going out with a whimper.
Never mind, never mind, he's a good sport, ladies and gentlemen, he's a good sport.
Okay Tommy, bring on the wimper Sandra.
There we are Tommy.
Now you see, all you have to do Tommy for your 100 tons of TNT, thank you Sandra, all you have to do is to fight that dummy.
But if the dummy beats you, no points at all, and we kidnap your grandmother and break your leg.
Only kidding Tommy, but seriously.
Okay Tommy, you have 30 seconds to fight that dummy from now.
Right Tommy.
Can we have a little encouragement, audience? Fight the dummy, Tommy, that's marvellous.
Exactly.
Just hit him.
Yes, that's marvellous.
There's only ten seconds left Tommy.
That's, that's really wonderful, applause for Tommy Gormley, Marvellous.
- I've caught me finger.
That's amazing because these saw it is completely plugged.
Never mind that, 10 points, Tommy, for getting the dummy to the ground.
So you've scored 13 points of TNT Tommy.
Unlucky for some, they say.
But let's see what you've won.
Aha, can I have the card please? Thank you Sandra.
Tommy, you have won this week's major booby prize, an execution by a firing squad.
- Thank you very much sir.
- They've all donated their services free, don't you think that's really wonderful, audience? A big hand for the firing squad.
Thank you and thank you, Tommy Gormley, a grand loser.
- Goodbye Robin.
Oh, before you go, a little consolation prize, a blindfold, thank you Sandra, put it on, and here's a cigarette Tommy, but don't smoke it now, because it's bad for your health.
Thank you Tommy.
Tommy Gormley.
Tommy Gormley, from Warrington in Cheshire.
Thank you.
A grand loser.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, there is another prize for the plucky widow, there will be a one-pound gift voucher redeemable at the mortician's of her choice, or if she's the sentimental type, at the taxidermist.
There, there he goes, a grand loser, thank you Tommy.
Well ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid that's all we have time for this week.
But as we sign off, we've got some wonderful film of last week's lucky bumper banger winner demolishing the very famous Eiffel Tower in Paris, France, oh la la.
So Well there it is.
Goodnight, bless you all, most sincerely, watch how you drive, drive carefully, bless you all, bless you.
Goodnight, bless you very sincerely.
Very very sincerely.
Goodnight.
Bless you all.
Bless you.
A wonderful warm audience.
I think this is one of the reasons why the firm is on an upward swing.
If you recall two years ago when I first began this speech, I mentioned that we of the vetlow pharmaceutical company will always be one big happy family.
This is a company built on warmth and friendship.
I am NOT your chairman, I'm your father.
I've always advocated an open-door policy, any man can come to me with his problems no matter how small.
Now even though we've had a record-breaking profit this year, I am more concerned with the employees, because people mean more to me than dollars.
Dollars are just pieces of paper.
But people are made up of flesh and blood.
What about our health benefits? The life of the special fund which was 37% last three years, a special fund has been set aside for our wonderfully delightful warm aging cemployees.
I care for you, and you, and you.
I am proud of this company.
I will never cease pursuing shorter working hours, and an interest in all material benefits.
So in conclusion, it's not too difficult to see, that, as you look around you, we are truly, as I said in the beginning, one big happy family.
Thank you, and good night.
I must be coming down with something.
Good evening, sir.
- Vodka crusta.
- Vodka crusta, sir.
- One cube of ice.
- One ice sir.
- Three drops of lemon.
- Three of lemon, sir.
- And the juice of quarter of a lime.
- Quarter of a lime, sir.
- Stirred, not shaken.
- Stirred, sir.
One vodka crusta, stirred, not shaken.
Do you come here often, baby? Hi friends.
Tonight I want to appeal to you on behalf of the natural preservation society, a group dedicated to the protection of each of the species that in- habit this planet.
And here, Bengal tiger, one of nature's finest creatures, in danger of extinction.
Javanese rhino, a unique relic of man's caveman past but destined, unless we can help, to become as rare as hen's teeth.
And tonight I want to talk to you about a species that might disappear before even the tiger and the rhino, before we even realise there is a problem.
The British Aristocrat.
Now the film we're going to show you tonight I hope is going to persuade you that we're in danger of losing a species that deserves better than becoming a mere moth eaten head on a wall.
The British aristocrat, at one time, there were thousands.
But alas, due to excessive inbreeding, and the loss of their mainstay, servants, they're now down to a handful.
We took our camera team to a nobility sanctuary, Spongling Manor, home of Lord Plumdink.
A happy haven for aristocrats, all relations of lord Plumdink.
But sadly he himself is unmarried and without male issue.
This is part of our mission.
We're in luck.
Almost at once we see something move in front of us.
A flash of aristocratic purple.
From under the trees, a hint of irmine.
And the dual coronet reveals, that this is the head of the family himself: Lord Plumdink.
The sight of our camera car has frightened him away.
It was to be several hours before we were finally rewarded.
Mouldering, butler to nobility for many years, and now our guide, spotted a pride of peers at play.
Notice the innocense of their traditional frolics.
Mouldering suggested that we now try the first of our decoys.
He'd prepared afternoon tea.
And here we see him attempting to lure the aristocrats.
Our hearts were in our mouths as they emerged from hiding.
They'd obviously got wind of the bait.
Their capes flooded with excitement at the scent of cucumber sandwich.
And we're in luck: Lord Plumdink, Lady Ann, his sister, and her son, Peregrine, have taken the bait.
They have come for tea.
With the aid of our hidden camera, we were able to take some unique shots of our aristocrats eating.
The strange noises you can hear are the voices of the aristocrats as they actually talk to each other in a language as old as ostentation itself.
Our camera crew moved a little nearer.
It was at this moment that some strange, primeval instinct told Lord Plumdink of our presence.
That his territory was being threatened.
Again, we failed.
We must find something that does not arouse his suspicions, something that he will really trust.
As Mouldering assures us that aristocrats will only trust horses and dogs, we decided to put a bold new plan into operation.
We put a camera inside a horse.
It worked.
At last we were able to take some real close-up shots.
Our horse seems to win our lordship's confidence.
And here we see him feeding our cameraman lumps of sugar.
Apparently they tasted of mothballs.
And now Mouldering suggests that his lordship should mount the beast.
The ancient aristocratic instinct asserts itself.
The horses back is broken.
An aristocrat does, what an aristocrat has to do.
We had learned that it was essential to win the confidence of Lord Plumdink and his family.
American aristologists have found that the English aristocrat is invariably attracted by the dollar bill.
This proved a sure way to bring our noble prey right up to the camera car.
Having gained his Lordships confidence, we are ready for our prime objective: Mating.
Lord Plumdink must have an heir.
There is no suitable mate in England, so we flew over a Russian countess.
The authorities in Europe who kindly came to our assistance assured us that her credentials were fully authenticated.
To our surprise, and disappointment, lord Plumdink at first showed little interest in the great lady.
But the resourceful Mouldering tempted him with genuine 18 carat Romanov jewellery.
The ice was broken.
Mouldering assures us that all is going well.
The aristocratic mating ritual is well underway.
And so we prepared to leave, for it will be several months before we can be sure that our mission has been succesfully accomplished.
We returned nine months later.
Success! A new aristocrat is born! Lord Plumdink proudly announces the birth of his heir to his faithful workers.
The duke is dead, long live the duke.
Now to keep this race alive, the natural preservation of aristocrats fund needs your money.
Without this money lord Plumdink, and many like him, will simply disappear.
The choice is yours.
Goodnight.
Well, that's about it for this week, see you again next week.
I'd like to thank everybody on the show, but above all I'd like to thank you for inviting me into your living room.
I never invited him in, did you? I thought he was with you.
I don't know anybody who dresses like that.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Orson Welles, my he has grown up now hasn't he? Osibisa, a little bit groovy I expect.
And Spike Milligan, I do hope my set can take him.
How the level of TV has dropped lately! And now in the field of medicine for special research, particularly in the field of mixed persons.
And the winner is Dr.
Henry Jekyll! Accepting the award for dr.
Jekyll will be mr.
Hyde.
Who won? Hello.
I am Otto Cratik, and I want to talk to you about an exciting new film I've just produced.
I've made hundreds of great movies, but I honestly believe that this one is worth seeing.
I'd like you to take a brief look at some of the outstanding scenes.
Could you run the trailer please? From the best seller on the shelf of every household, a book known and shared by millions, comes a film they said could never be made, would never be made, should never be made.
Otto Cratik proudly presents, the dictionary.
Yes, the dictionary.
Now at last you can see aardvark, ala mode, autonomy, abacus, axiomatic, and that's just the beginning of the dictionary.
You won't want to miss the confrontation between agriculture and anthropomorphic.
See some words grow from puberty to adultery, see a diabolical phonetic scheme, see the passionate moment when two verbs are conjugated.
I made this movie because the dictionary says it all, it tells it, like it is.
We shot the whole of of it on location.
We filmed decadence and depravity in Rome, where it actually happened.
It wasn't an easy film to make.
I ran into a few problems in the States where they wouldn't let us shoot liberty and lechery.
So we went to Mexico where we also filmed artichoke and Phillips screw.
I didn't want to pull any punches with his film, it has everything.
Sex, nudity, lust, lettuce, linoleum, and tonsillectomy.
The dictionary, a monumental achievement in film making, the film that's never at a loss for words.
Hear Frankie Laine sing the love theme from the dictionary.
The dictionary, filled with candid unabashed dialogue.
- No.
- Need.
- Negative.
- Nice.
- Naughty.
- Nonsense.
Necessary.
- Nerve.
- Neurosis.
- Nothing.
- Now.
- Never.
- Next.
Yes, the dictionary, you can't afford to miss it, with an all-star cast.
Burt Lancaster as xenophobia.
Brigitte Bardot as escargot.
Kirk Douglas in the dual role of Spartacus and asparagus.
Greta Garbo making her screen comeback as utensil.
And Marcel Marceau as all the silent letters.
No one will be admitted during the last ten minutes of zebra Zeus, and zither.
This picture rated X, Y, and Z.
All tall and tan and young and lovely the Girl From Ipanema goes walking and when she passes, each one she passes goes HWARGH, WHARG, HWOWOH! When she walks she's like a Samba that swing so cool, sways so gentle, that when she passes, each one she passes goes.
HIURGH HWBLLRGH, HIAHIAH! But I want you so sadly Yes, yes, I would give my heart gladly.
But each day when she walks to the sea, she looks at him not at me.
Tall and tan and young and lovely the Girl From Ipanema goes walking and when she passes each one Listen, it was a guy in drag.
And it was the wrong keys.
The following announcement comes to you immediately following that which has just preceded it, but not necessarily in that order.
This has been a recorded announcement.
I am a recorded announcer.
You are a recorded audience.
Let's face it: We're all in this bloody thing together.
This is New York City.
A frightened city, a city plagued by corruption, by pollution, and by an ever in East Side! And West Side! All around the town! Great, just great.
Do you know Chicago? Here, we have a skull, which is a remnant of the very earliest remains, of neolithic man.
Just add a few chopped vegetables and you'll have a lovely neolithic stew.
Next week: Brontosaurus in a basket.
Yes, here's Holocaust, that terrific guy, and real human being, that merrry master of mayhem, sincerely yours, Robby Greenhouse! The doomsday machine means that once again it's time for me, Robby Greenhouse, to welcome you to another destruction packed edition of Holocaust.
Well that's just a glimpse of some of the treats and goodies we've got in store for your on Holocaust, the game in which you, our viewer, could win the chance to work off your own aggressions, pay off old debts, wreak terrible revenges, or if you win our star prize, actually blow up the home of a person of your own choice.
That's marvellous, thank you very much, you're a very wonderful audience.
Well this week's bubble banger is a chance to drop personally a 10-ton bomb under the very famous Taj Mahal in India.
The rules are so simple that even an idiot could follow them, but I'll just explain them for the benefit of our viewers.
Each contestant has to answer a number of simple questions and carry out a number of simple tests.
The number of marks he gets are recorded in tons of TN on the doomsday machine over there.
Thank you Sandra.
Now the number of marks he gets determines the amount of prizes he will win.
So, ladies and gentlemen, everybody's a winner on Holocaust.
Thank you, but watch out, because we've got a number of booby prizes tucked away.
We start right away with our first contestant who is our returnee from last week, ladies and gentlemen, a big hand for goatrobber from London, mr.
Silas Ribbon.
Thank you Sandra, thank you Sandra.
Now Silas, how are you, welcome to have you on the show, it's marvelous to have you here, that's supergreat.
Now, you were just about to start your last test, camera's over there, Silas, over there, you were about to start your last test, when the time bomb exploded to bring our show to a halt.
That is correct, Robin, yes.
Now have you decided what you're going to do? Yes I have Robin.
Remember that your score stands at 657 pounds of TNT.
- Yes.
- And what are you going to do with them? I have decided - Yes.
to drop the chair on my boss' head.
- You're going to smash a chair - Smash it, yes.
You're going to smash a chair on your boss' head.
Isn't that great ladies and gentlemen? Thank you, right.
That's great Silas.
So he's going for the big one ladies and gentleman.
So let's beat Silas' boss, but before we do Silas, do you really hate him? With every fiber of my being.
Isn't that wonderful ladies and gentlemen, what a marvellous character.
So ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, let's beat Silas' boss, sir Arnold Fitzmaurice, okay? Bless you, bless you.
Bless you very sincerely so I will bow.
That's wonderful isn't it.
Now sir Arnold, if you'd just like to stand on this spot over here? Welcome to the condemned cell.
Yes, okay, now you have 30 seconds in which to smash this chair, thank you Simon, would you just give it to Silas, thank you.
You have 30 seconds to smash this chair over your boss' head, 30 seconds, from now! Isn't that great, a grand effort, a grand effort, you haven't quite knocked him out but you've certainly got him in trouble.
Okay, now sir Arnold bless you, did that hurt you not much, a bit, considerably, a lot, or very much indeed? That hurt a very much indeed.
Very much indeed.
Well done Silas.
And you have won, you have won, if you'll just come over here Silas, you have won the opportunity to fling this handgrenade, thank you Sandra, you have won the opportunity to fling this hand grenade into the front room of your bank manager.
Isn't that marvellous? Thank you and good luck Silas.
Thank you Robin.
Now, can we have our next contestant please, and from Warrington in Cheshire it's professional goat robber Tommy Gormley.
Hello Tommy, welcome on the show.
Now tell me - Hello lad.
Some of the lads from the pub.
Would you like to wave to them? That's great.
Now tell me Tommy, how old are you? That's fantastic, that really is.
Are you married? Oh, not really? No children? That's fantastic Tommy.
What a sport, ladies and gentlemen, isn't he a sport? I mean that very warmly and sincerely, bless you, Tommy.
- Well thank you - And now, Tommy, you've got the chance to unleash 30 seconds of verbal venom if you would just choose the picture of your favourite murderer from this rogues gallery over here.
Thank you Sandra.
Now just choose your favourite murderer and on the back is the topic we want you to abuse for 30 seconds.
Now who is it going to be, Jack the Ripper? - Well, I'll - Frankenstein? I'll have Jack the Ripper.
You want Jack the Ripper, would you like Nono, no, I'll have that one.
Good for you you.
He's going to take Adolf Hitler, isn't that marvelous, ladies and gentlemen, isn't that wonderful.
Okay Tommy, oh and Tommy, the verbal venom question is, we'd like you to yell vicious and violent invective at long-haired students.
Okay, Tommy, you'll have 30 seconds from now to yell violent invective at long-haired students, okay Tommy, from now.
- Now? Don't hang about lad.
I think long-haired students are silly.
Well, sorry Tommy, that isn't very violent.
Doomsday machine, how many points do we get for that answer? I'm afraid, Tommy, you only get three points for correct grammar out of a possible five hundred.
So, with your score, thank you Sandra, with your score out of 3 out of a possible 700 it's time for your final test, and do you want to go out with a bang, or with a whimper? - What do the lads think? - Do the bang! What are you going to do Tommy, what are you going to do? No, no, I'll go out with a whimper.
He's going out with a whimper.
Never mind, never mind, he's a good sport, ladies and gentlemen, he's a good sport.
Okay Tommy, bring on the wimper Sandra.
There we are Tommy.
Now you see, all you have to do Tommy for your 100 tons of TNT, thank you Sandra, all you have to do is to fight that dummy.
But if the dummy beats you, no points at all, and we kidnap your grandmother and break your leg.
Only kidding Tommy, but seriously.
Okay Tommy, you have 30 seconds to fight that dummy from now.
Right Tommy.
Can we have a little encouragement, audience? Fight the dummy, Tommy, that's marvellous.
Exactly.
Just hit him.
Yes, that's marvellous.
There's only ten seconds left Tommy.
That's, that's really wonderful, applause for Tommy Gormley, Marvellous.
- I've caught me finger.
That's amazing because these saw it is completely plugged.
Never mind that, 10 points, Tommy, for getting the dummy to the ground.
So you've scored 13 points of TNT Tommy.
Unlucky for some, they say.
But let's see what you've won.
Aha, can I have the card please? Thank you Sandra.
Tommy, you have won this week's major booby prize, an execution by a firing squad.
- Thank you very much sir.
- They've all donated their services free, don't you think that's really wonderful, audience? A big hand for the firing squad.
Thank you and thank you, Tommy Gormley, a grand loser.
- Goodbye Robin.
Oh, before you go, a little consolation prize, a blindfold, thank you Sandra, put it on, and here's a cigarette Tommy, but don't smoke it now, because it's bad for your health.
Thank you Tommy.
Tommy Gormley.
Tommy Gormley, from Warrington in Cheshire.
Thank you.
A grand loser.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, there is another prize for the plucky widow, there will be a one-pound gift voucher redeemable at the mortician's of her choice, or if she's the sentimental type, at the taxidermist.
There, there he goes, a grand loser, thank you Tommy.
Well ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid that's all we have time for this week.
But as we sign off, we've got some wonderful film of last week's lucky bumper banger winner demolishing the very famous Eiffel Tower in Paris, France, oh la la.
So Well there it is.
Goodnight, bless you all, most sincerely, watch how you drive, drive carefully, bless you all, bless you.
Goodnight, bless you very sincerely.
Very very sincerely.
Goodnight.
Bless you all.
Bless you.
A wonderful warm audience.
I think this is one of the reasons why the firm is on an upward swing.
If you recall two years ago when I first began this speech, I mentioned that we of the vetlow pharmaceutical company will always be one big happy family.
This is a company built on warmth and friendship.
I am NOT your chairman, I'm your father.
I've always advocated an open-door policy, any man can come to me with his problems no matter how small.
Now even though we've had a record-breaking profit this year, I am more concerned with the employees, because people mean more to me than dollars.
Dollars are just pieces of paper.
But people are made up of flesh and blood.
What about our health benefits? The life of the special fund which was 37% last three years, a special fund has been set aside for our wonderfully delightful warm aging cemployees.
I care for you, and you, and you.
I am proud of this company.
I will never cease pursuing shorter working hours, and an interest in all material benefits.
So in conclusion, it's not too difficult to see, that, as you look around you, we are truly, as I said in the beginning, one big happy family.
Thank you, and good night.
I must be coming down with something.
Good evening, sir.
- Vodka crusta.
- Vodka crusta, sir.
- One cube of ice.
- One ice sir.
- Three drops of lemon.
- Three of lemon, sir.
- And the juice of quarter of a lime.
- Quarter of a lime, sir.
- Stirred, not shaken.
- Stirred, sir.
One vodka crusta, stirred, not shaken.
Do you come here often, baby? Hi friends.
Tonight I want to appeal to you on behalf of the natural preservation society, a group dedicated to the protection of each of the species that in- habit this planet.
And here, Bengal tiger, one of nature's finest creatures, in danger of extinction.
Javanese rhino, a unique relic of man's caveman past but destined, unless we can help, to become as rare as hen's teeth.
And tonight I want to talk to you about a species that might disappear before even the tiger and the rhino, before we even realise there is a problem.
The British Aristocrat.
Now the film we're going to show you tonight I hope is going to persuade you that we're in danger of losing a species that deserves better than becoming a mere moth eaten head on a wall.
The British aristocrat, at one time, there were thousands.
But alas, due to excessive inbreeding, and the loss of their mainstay, servants, they're now down to a handful.
We took our camera team to a nobility sanctuary, Spongling Manor, home of Lord Plumdink.
A happy haven for aristocrats, all relations of lord Plumdink.
But sadly he himself is unmarried and without male issue.
This is part of our mission.
We're in luck.
Almost at once we see something move in front of us.
A flash of aristocratic purple.
From under the trees, a hint of irmine.
And the dual coronet reveals, that this is the head of the family himself: Lord Plumdink.
The sight of our camera car has frightened him away.
It was to be several hours before we were finally rewarded.
Mouldering, butler to nobility for many years, and now our guide, spotted a pride of peers at play.
Notice the innocense of their traditional frolics.
Mouldering suggested that we now try the first of our decoys.
He'd prepared afternoon tea.
And here we see him attempting to lure the aristocrats.
Our hearts were in our mouths as they emerged from hiding.
They'd obviously got wind of the bait.
Their capes flooded with excitement at the scent of cucumber sandwich.
And we're in luck: Lord Plumdink, Lady Ann, his sister, and her son, Peregrine, have taken the bait.
They have come for tea.
With the aid of our hidden camera, we were able to take some unique shots of our aristocrats eating.
The strange noises you can hear are the voices of the aristocrats as they actually talk to each other in a language as old as ostentation itself.
Our camera crew moved a little nearer.
It was at this moment that some strange, primeval instinct told Lord Plumdink of our presence.
That his territory was being threatened.
Again, we failed.
We must find something that does not arouse his suspicions, something that he will really trust.
As Mouldering assures us that aristocrats will only trust horses and dogs, we decided to put a bold new plan into operation.
We put a camera inside a horse.
It worked.
At last we were able to take some real close-up shots.
Our horse seems to win our lordship's confidence.
And here we see him feeding our cameraman lumps of sugar.
Apparently they tasted of mothballs.
And now Mouldering suggests that his lordship should mount the beast.
The ancient aristocratic instinct asserts itself.
The horses back is broken.
An aristocrat does, what an aristocrat has to do.
We had learned that it was essential to win the confidence of Lord Plumdink and his family.
American aristologists have found that the English aristocrat is invariably attracted by the dollar bill.
This proved a sure way to bring our noble prey right up to the camera car.
Having gained his Lordships confidence, we are ready for our prime objective: Mating.
Lord Plumdink must have an heir.
There is no suitable mate in England, so we flew over a Russian countess.
The authorities in Europe who kindly came to our assistance assured us that her credentials were fully authenticated.
To our surprise, and disappointment, lord Plumdink at first showed little interest in the great lady.
But the resourceful Mouldering tempted him with genuine 18 carat Romanov jewellery.
The ice was broken.
Mouldering assures us that all is going well.
The aristocratic mating ritual is well underway.
And so we prepared to leave, for it will be several months before we can be sure that our mission has been succesfully accomplished.
We returned nine months later.
Success! A new aristocrat is born! Lord Plumdink proudly announces the birth of his heir to his faithful workers.
The duke is dead, long live the duke.
Now to keep this race alive, the natural preservation of aristocrats fund needs your money.
Without this money lord Plumdink, and many like him, will simply disappear.
The choice is yours.
Goodnight.
Well, that's about it for this week, see you again next week.
I'd like to thank everybody on the show, but above all I'd like to thank you for inviting me into your living room.
I never invited him in, did you? I thought he was with you.
I don't know anybody who dresses like that.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.