The McCarthys (2014) s01e01 Episode Script

1 RONNY: This is my hometown.
My family likes to go here and here and here.
This is my family's favorite politician.
Actually this is.
My family likes to watch this.
I prefer to watch this.
My family members are scattered all over Boston.
My parents live here.
My sister lives here.
My brothers live here and here.
And I live way over here.
But we always seem to end up over here, where we loyally root for our hometown team.
- You suck! - Loser! Piece of garbage! Hey, Ronny! - Ronny.
- Ronny.
So, who's winning the sports today? Just “sports.
” No “the.
” I was kidding.
I know more than you think I know.
Who are the Celtics playing? The Celtics are the green ones, and they're playing the Miami.
The Miami what? The Miami uh, I really want to say Sound Machine.
You got to be messing with us.
You can't be that dumb about sports.
Hey, if anybody can be that dumb about sports, it's Ronny.
Thanks for believing in me, Dad.
God, I got a lot of kids.
Hey, Mom.
Oh, there's one that I like.
Hi, Ronny.
This game better be over in 20 minutes.
- Why? - They want to watch Good Wife.
BOTH: The Good Wife.
(phone ringing) Don't take that shot! ANNOUNCER: It's good! (ringing continues) Ooh, great shot! Hello? Yes.
Oh, my God.
Well, thanks for calling.
Fatty McFadden had a heart attack.
He's dead.
Oh, my God.
That's awful.
Should we go to the church and light a candle? - Yeah.
- That'd be nice.
We should.
Or? I mean, I'm just thinking out loud here.
Fatty was my assistant coach for six years.
And, I mean, basketball was his life.
He'd probably want us to finish watching the game.
For Fatty.
ALL: For Fatty.
You know, it occurs to me another way to honor Fatty's memory would be to order some pizza.
Good call.
I'll dial it up.
For Fatty.
As I recall, he also enjoyed a Caesar salad, dressing on the side.
Oh, and if you're ordering from Giovanni's, get the eggplant parm.
Is what I once heard Fatty say.
Mm.
Yeah, I'd like to place an order.
No, I can't hold.
I got six people here, and we're all overcome with grief! ALL: Yeah! Hey, how you guys holding up? I think he's more upset than he's letting on.
Talk to him before we go to the wake.
You're a psychiatrist.
High school guidance counselor.
We're saying the same thing.
Arthur, this was a huge loss for you.
Like when I lost Kyra.
Are you comparing the loss of Dad's friend to the cancellation of Kyra Sedgwick's The Closer? Are you saying that The Closer was canceled? Because it wasn't.
Kyra decided to go out on top, and she did.
She did.
Dad, I know we don't talk about feelings, or you know, have them, but you lost a friend.
You know, it's okay if you want to let out the pain.
Now I need a new assistant coach to replace that fat bastard.
(door opening) Who's ready for a wake? I know.
I know! I know! I think you look great.
I know! Good for you, Jackie.
Own it.
Unless you can return it.
Then definitely stop owning it.
It's okay, Jackie.
At least you're presenting at the Academy Awards.
Thanks, Ma.
(door opens) Hey, guys, you like our suits? Gerard and I look like twins again! Sean, we have never looked like twins! Look at that baby picture.
In the sixth grade, the teacher thought you were my father.
Ma, we can take one car to the wake because Katrina's not coming.
Oh.
No.
Yeah, my girl doesn't like funeral homes.
I don't need a reason.
That suit's a little tight, Sean.
Intentional, Ronny.
Ladies love it when a guy squeezes into something tight.
That's not a suit.
It's a sausage casing.
Dad, he's an idiot, which is why I should be your new assistant coach.
Dad, as a two-time Boston Globe All-Star, I just want to remind you that I was a two-time Boston Globe All-Star.
And also, I'm not a screamer like Gerard is with your JV team.
That's why you play JV! That's why you play JV! Coaching is all about volume and repetition.
Volume and repetition.
You know, a father passing on his kingdom, his children fighting this is all very King Lear.
Thanks, Ronny.
Good tidbit.
We hate plays.
I would like to pass my dynasty off to a McCarthy.
Oh, pick Jackie then.
She's dressed like she's on Dynasty.
Dad, if it makes you feel better, I'm not going to apply for the job.
A: because my knowledge of the basketball is limited.
And B: I got offered a new job as head guidance counselor at a really great private school.
Head guidance counselor?! So you're going to be in charge of all the other psychiatrists? I'm gonna let you have that one.
Where's the school? Providence.
- Rhode Island?! - Ugh! That's not a real state.
MARJORIE: Oh, my God! You're moving to Providence? Yes, and I think it's gonna be good for me! It's a great job in a fun new city with a vibrant gay community.
Aren't all gay communities vibrant? Ronny! You're still gay? What? Yes.
I came out two years ago.
Wow.
That's big news.
Should we have a highball? Mm.
Isn't 10:00 a.
m.
a little early for whiskey? Hey, we didn't judge you But it's been a while since you've dated anybody, so I didn't know if you were still pursuing it.
Yep.
Still giving it a go.
Only now, I'll pursue it in Providence.
So you think that it will be easier to date without the support of your family in a foreign land? Based on past experience, it might be.
What's wrong, Henry? Those people keep staring at me.
ALL: Ronny! Ronny! Ronny! Oh, my God.
And they do, too.
Not my idea.
I had to come down here.
You said your date's name was Henry.
That's a murderer's name.
That's a murderer's name.
You told us he was a psychopath.
Once again, you're mixing up the words “psychopath” and “architect.
” I love you guys, and I love that we spend so much time together.
But I think it's making it harder for me to meet someone, and I really want to meet someone.
So wear a tighter suit.
Or just tear apart your family and break your mother's heart.
I'd go with the suit.
(solemn organ music playing) - He was so young and handsome.
- Poor Fatty.
It's not fair! Dramatic much? Tone it down, Annette Bening.
Okay.
Now, Ronny, I know that you're determined to move to Providence, but I have to be honest.
I believe that you will die there.
Who's Annette Bening now? And why are we using her name this way? - She's a very nuanced actress.
- Please.
She's no Sedgwick.
I know we've had our differences, Coach Colwell, but I appreciate you coming down to pay your respects.
It's just a shame Fatty didn't live to see you coach a team all the way to the state title.
Then again, it would have been impossible for him to live forever.
(laughs) Wow.
That was fast and offensive.
Unlike your team.
You know, this is your last chance at a title before you retire.
Maybe Darryl Silver can help.
Hmm.
He's moving to Boston.
I understand he's choosing between my school and yours.
He's an All-American! Darryl Silver might play for Dad! Yes! Yes! Why are we hugging?! Get away from me.
We all know Darryl's gonna play for me at St.
Barnabus.
His mom's calling me any minute now to make it official.
Maybe she's calling him any minute now to make it “official-er.
” Don't sink to his level, Sean.
Today's about grieving, not about recruiting.
(phone ringing) (quietly): Mrs.
Silver? No, no, no.
A perfect time.
Like the suit.
- Nice and tight, right? - (sultry laugh) Yeah.
You're kidding me, right? Oh.
Look who's here.
I thought you might be at a more happening wake in Providence.
Why can't you be happy for me? Because Don't make me say it.
What? Just say it.
- Don't make me say it.
- Say it! - You're my best friend.
- Oh You made me say it! I didn't know what “it” was! Mom, the truth is you're my best friend.
- Oh! - No! That's not a good thing! I'm a 29-year-old man.
My social life should be more than watching The Good Wife with my mother.
You could go out.
We could DVR it.
Oh, I could never wait.
No, me, neither.
That's great news, Mrs.
Silver.
Thanks.
Hey, we did, buddy.
We did it! If we could all bow our heads in prayer Can you put a pin in that, Father? 'Cause I got some really great news.
Darryl Silver will play for our team this year.
(excited murmurs, chatter) ARTHUR: I really wish that Fatty could be here, but he's busy coaching a team up in Heaven now.
And those dead kids are lucky to have him.
I have also chosen a new assistant coach that I know that Fatty would definitely approve of- my son Ronny.
(laughs): - Ronny? - What?! Who, me? Oh, no, thank you.
(clears throat) In fact, I'd like to give Ronny the basketball that Fatty's holding as a symbol of the passing of the guard.
(whispers) But it's glued to his hands, so we can't.
(whispers) GERARD: You chose Ronny?! You might as well pick Mom.
Or Mike D'Antoni.
Yeah.
Hey, don't lump me in with D'Antoni.
Marjorie, stop pumping on the brakes so much.
Arthur, stop being legally unable to drive at night so much.
Why didn't you pick me, Dad? The players love me.
I'm their JV coach.
And I'm their math teacher.
That's why you take remedial math.
That's why you take remedial math.
Ronny, this may sound crazy, but my gut tells me that you'd be really good at this.
Me?! Really, Dad? Yes.
Really.
- Gross! - I think I'm gonna boot.
You should just stay here and coach.
I'd really love to spend more time with the son I know the least.
You would? Do me a favor- sleep on it? You know what, Dad? I will.
(sarcastic tone): You know what, Dad? I will.
I don't think he's talking to you, Gerard.
(insistent knocking on door) Decided yet? You told me to sleep on it.
I didn't mean that.
I mean, it's just something you say, like, "have a nice trip.
" Why wouldn't you want people to have a nice trip? I'm supposed to have a parade because somebody's going to Florida? We should go to Florida.
Why are you here? I'm just the driver.
This is between the two of you.
Come on, Ronny, I need an answer.
Dad, it means a lot to me that you asked.
And even though I'm moving to Providence, we can still spend more time together.
It's not that far away.
Ronny, please, I really want you to do this.
Arthur, stop badgering him.
Ronny, don't stay in Boston because your father is manipulating you.
But maybe do it because I'm sick.
Oh, really? What's wrong? They don't know yet- they just know that I'm sick.
You are such a liar.
What is wrong with you? They don't know yet.
Mom, stop it! I'm just trying to live my life and maybe meet someone.
Why can't you get on board with that? Ronny, stop picking on your mother.
She's not the bad one here.
I am.
The truth is, the the real reason I asked you to coach with me is that Darryl Silver's mother is a Les.
Bian.
Fine.
She's "bein" a "Les".
The point is that she wants her son to play for a tolerant and gay-friendly school, and when I told her that my gay son was my new assistant, she said that Darryl would play for me.
So you were trying to use me.
Let me put this in a way that you'll understand.
Foul! Are you sure this'll work? We got to make it up to him.
No, I promise.
This'll make Ronny forgive you and me.
He'll see we're not monsters, we're a loving, supportive family.
Here he is! Beat it, old man! - Okay, what's the emergency? - Yeah, hurry up.
In here.
They're dying! OTHERS: Surprise! We made you a gay bar! We know that you're moving to Providence, but for tonight, enjoy Boston's Men Who Love Men! Ronny, you remember Phillip, the singer from church.
Hey But did you know he was gay? I had a hunch.
But I'm not a practicing homosexual.
The church says I can have homosexual desires, I just can't act on them.
And how is that working out? It's a struggle.
(giggles) Ronny, this is Ken-he's a nurse at my doctor's office.
- Hi, Ken.
Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, Ronny.
- You're not gay, are you, Ken? - Nope.
Well, I took a shot.
Isn't this fun! (laughs) Lesbian.
Best I could do.
I work at a lot of basketball camps.
These are the gays I meet.
Hey, Ronny, I made some special cocktails.
Some Man-tinis, a Ba-man-a daiquiri, and a Man-hattan.
I didn't even have to change the name on that.
No, thank you.
- Can I tell you a secret? - Oh, no, did you get another DUl? No.
And I'm pretty sure I won't get one for the next nine months.
- Did you guess what the secret is? - Yeah, I think so.
Jackie, are you kidding me? Who's the father? I can't really say.
But recently, we attended his wake.
- Did you guess who it was? - Yes! Does anyone else know? No.
And I'm not gonna say anything right now.
Tonight's about you.
What are you guys gabbing about? I'm pregnant! Sorry, Ronny, he backed me into a corner.
MARJORIE: Oh, my God! Really, Jackie? Who's the father? It's Fatty.
I'm pregnant with Fatty McFadden's baby.
Oh, my God! Oh, is this one of those murder mystery things? What do you mean, you and Fatty? Yes.
We were lovers.
You were?! Well, fine, it was one time after the Hyde Park game.
That was a great game.
I would've slept with Fatty that night.
Fatty's baby? That's gonna be a rough delivery.
Everything's gonna be rough because I'm gonna be all alone.
- Oh, you're not gonna be alone.
- Yes Right, Mom? No, she is.
He's dead.
Jackie, Jackie I think you're gonna be a good mother.
Really? How do you figure? I'm gonna help you.
Oh, my God, really? (groaning): - Yeah - (laughs) We're all gonna help you.
Right? 'Cause we're a family and we support each other.
Boring.
Should we just guess who committed the murder? Jackie, you okay? All right, everybody raise your glass.
Not you, Madonna.
To our first grandchild.
- May it be healthy and able to go to its left.
- Yeah! That's right- playing for two now.
Look, I'm really sorry about that coaching thing.
It's okay.
I'm sure I'm not the first gay man whose father used him to try to recruit a basketball player whose mother is a lesbian.
That makes me feel better.
So, when are you leaving for Rhode Island? Actually, I'm not sure I'm gonna go.
Feeling a little torn.
You're staying? He's staying! All right! Hey! I said "torn.
" He said "torn.
" Calm down, everybody! Why are you torn? Well, on one hand, it'd be a new city and a great opportunity and on the other, you guys did throw me a gay bar, which was really sweet.
And awkward.
And at times, offensive.
You're welcome.
Plus, there's gonna be a baby.
I'm gonna be an uncle.
So, what are you gonna do? Give me the ball.
- You want the ball? - Yeah, give me the ball.
Don't give him that ball-he'll kill himself.
If I make it, I'm going to Providence.
If I miss it, I'll stay.
Miss it.
Miss it.
OTHERS: Miss it! Miss it! Miss it! Miss it! Miss it! Miss Well, that took a turn.
Nice shot, Ronny.
Have fun in Providence.
I'm gonna miss you, buddy.
Guys, wait.
Swear to God, I was trying to miss it.
Why? I don't want to go to Providence.
Believe it or not, I think I'd really miss you guys.
I was trying to do this-give me the ball.
Oh, my God, what the hell! But you get my point, right? I'm staying.
Oh, thank God! Oh, he's not gonna go to that godforsaken wasteland of a city.
Did you see those shots? I don't know, maybe I should coach.
Of course you should.
That way I could spend every day with the best kid I could ever hope for.
Darryl Silver.
Come on, I'm just kidding.
You.
Spend every day with you.
I'd really like that.
You're gonna let Ronny coach 'cause he hit a couple of garbage shots? I saw a dog on YouTube hit those shots.
He's better than you, Gerard.
He's better than all of you.
You know what he is? He's The Closer.
Oh, Mom, come on.
I'm no Kyra Sedgwick.
Oh, Ronny.
Course you're not.
Nobody is.
Good night, Ronny.
You're my favorite.
Good night, Sean.
You're my favorite.
Good night, Gerard.
You're my favorite.
Good night, Jackie.
I'm gonna need that plate back.