The Me You Can't See (2021) s01e01 Episode Script

We are very much
in the early stages
of trying to understand
this thing that we call
mental health.
No matter what
your race, culture, or class,
mental health problems
are universal health problems.
I'm struggling
with my OCD.
I can get up
and get dressed
with the best of 'em,
but inside,
I feel completely broken.
Everybody thinks you get sick
and then you get cured.
It's just not like that.
I don't think any person
is one
family member away
from somebody who isn't
suffering from depression,
anxiety, trauma.
Now, the good news is
it's never too late to heal.
This is where
broken people can come
and be broken.
We have a huge
opportunity.
All you need is to be
in the right place.
Everybody
has a burden that they carry.
Everybody has a story.
A lot of people
all over the world
are in some kind of mental,
psychological, emotional pain
that they may not
have acknowledged,
particularly because this year
has certainly shown us
with a big mirror
in front of our humanity.
- Mm-hmm.
- Who we are.
And so whatever
was an issue for you
before COVID-19
became, uh, magnified.
So I think for a lot of people,
isolation and loneliness
has become a major issue.
I think it certainly has
put a mirror
in front of grief,
because grief
isn't just losing someone.
Grief is
the loss of anything
that matters.
And so kids were grieving
not being able to have
their high school graduation
that you've been
thinking about.
- Being with their friends.
- Being with their friends
and not being able
to have life as you know it.
And so this year
has shaped who we are
as a culture
in ways that I think
a lot of people
still have not dealt with.
Well, some people
at the beginning of it
were saying
it's been a leveler.
I couldn't disagree more.
- It's not a leveler.
- Because the people
that were already suffering
are now suffering even more.
That's right.
I guess the one that
we can agree on globally
is that everyone
has experienced
a different version
of the same thing.
Correct, and so this idea
of what COVID-19
has done to people
Mm-hmm.
is gonna show up in ways
never even imagined
if you were already
just trying to hold on and cope
before it even happened,
you know?
This year has surely proven
that 99.9%,
if not 100% of us,
have now officially
all experienced
- Some form of trauma.
- some form of trauma.
- Yeah.
- Or some form of grief
- or some form of loss.
- Yeah.
I heard someone say,
"Pain that is not transformed
gets transmitted."
And it's basically projection,
right?
People who are
people who are hurt,
understandably hurt, from
from their upbringing,
their environment,
what's happened to them,
what they've been exposed to,
what they've seen
whatever it is,
that if you don't transform it,
if you don't process it,
then it ends up coming out
in all sorts of different ways
that you can't control,
and you never know when.
It's unresolved, and it is,
it's eating us away inside,
but you don't really
realize it.
And look, this is
I'm one of the first people
to recognize that, firstly,
I had a fear
of when I first went to therapy,
a fear of losing
When did you start therapy?
Um four years ago now.
- Four years is kinda recent.
- Yeah, but four years
of therapy for an individual
that never thought
that they would ever need
or do therapy,
isthat's a long
that's a long time.
I wasn't in an environment
where I was encouraged
to talk about it either.
That was sort of, like,
squashed.
Okay, so what made you think
you needed it?
Um the past.
To heal myself from the past.
For many, many years,
I didn't even think about it.
I wasn't, like,
holding on to it.
I was unaware of it.
I always wanted to be normal.
As opposed to Prince Harry,
just being Harry.
It was a puzzling life
but unfortunately,
when I think about my mum,
the first thing
that comes to mind
is always the same one
over and over again.
Strapped in the car,
seatbelt across,
with my brother
in the car as well,
and my mother driving,
being chased
by three, four, five mopeds
with paparazzi on.
And then she was almost
unable to drive
because of the tears.
There was no protection.
One of the feelings
that comes up with me always
is the helplessness.
Being too young.
Being a guy, but too young
to be able to help a woman.
In this case, your mother.
And that happened
every single day.
- That's enough.
- Okay.
Thank you.
Can we have
a nice picture, please?
Every single day
until the day she died.
We are continuing
to follow developments
out of Paris
where Princess Diana
has been seriously injured
in a car accident.
Her companion Dodi Al Fayed
apparently killed,
- and also there has been
- Photographers
tracking the princess,
apparently,
according to some reports,
were on a motorcycle,
and that somehow may have
contributed to the crash.
We are hearing
When my mum was taken away
from me
at the age of 12,
just before my 13th birthday,
I didn't want the life.
Sharing the grief
of my mother's death
with the world.
For me, the thing
I remember the most
was the sound
of the horses' hooves
- going along the pavement.
- Mm-hmm.
Along the mall,
the red brick road.
By this point, I was
both of us were in shock.
It was like
I was outside of my body
and just walking along,
doing what was expected of me.
Showing
1/10 of the emotion
that everybody else was showing.
Charles Charles.
I thought, "This is my mum.
You never even met her."
And as you were speaking
I'm gonna try not to make
my eyes water here
but as you were speaking,
I was thinking,
"Those of us who admired
and loved your mother from afar
probably did more processing
of her passing that you did."
Without question.
I was so angry
with what happened to her
and the fact that there
was nothere was no justice.
At all.
Nothing came from that.
The same people
that chased her into the tunnel
photographed her dying
on the backseat of that car.
In my moment of anger,
I would just like to
to raid all the grocery stores,
raid all those
horrible magazines
and just make a big bonfire.
I didn't want
to think about her,
because if I think about her,
then it's gonna
bring up the fact
that I can't bring her back,
and it's just gonna
make me sad.
What's the point in thinking
about something sad?
What's the point
in thinking about
someone you've lost and you're
never gonna get back again?
And I just decided
not to talk about it.
Yeah. Was anybody
talking about it around you?
No one was talking about it.
We've got it very carefully
planned, though, see?
After that period
of whatever
how many years it was
of just, like, head in the sand,
fingers in the ears,
just crack on.
Like, if people said
I've said this before
If people said, "How are you?"
I'd be like, "Fine."
Never happy, never sad.
Just fine.
Fine was the easy answer.
But I was just all over
the place mentally.
Every time I put
a suit and tie on,
and having to, you know,
do the role
and, you know,
sort of like, "All right,
let'sgame face,
look in the mirror.
Right, let's go."
Before I'd even left the house,
I was pouring with sweat,
and my heart rate was
I was in the fight
or flight mode.
Panic attacks, severe anxiety.
And so 28 to probably 32
was a nightmare time
in my life.
I'm freaking out every single
time I jump in the car
and every single time
I see a camera.
- Well, first, I
- What did it feel like?
I would just start sweating.
I would feel as though
my body temperature
was 2 or 3 degrees warmer than
everybody else in the room.
I would convince myself
that my face was bright red,
and therefore, everybody
could see how I was feeling,
but no one would know why,
so it was embarrassing.
You get in your head about it,
and then you're just like,
"Everybody's looking at me."
One bead of sweat feels like
the whole face is pouring down.
Just sweating,
and then just all in my head
going,
"This is so embarrassing.
What are they thinking of me?
They have no idea.
I can't tell them."
Everywhere I go, every single
time I meet someone,
it's almost like I'm being
drained of this energy,
picking up
on other people's emotion.
Finally,
I'd bump into somebody
who was sweating more than me,
and I would stop,
be able to speak to them,
and then everything
would calm down,
and then I could move on again.
I was willing to drink.
I was willing to take drugs.
I was willing to try
and do the things
that made me feel
less like I was feeling.
But I slowly became aware
that, okay, I wasn't drinking
Monday to Friday,
but I would probably drink
a week's worth
in one day on a Friday
or a Saturday night.
And I would find myself drinking
not because I was enjoying it,
but because I was trying
to mask something.
Did you know at the time
you were doing that,
that you were trying
to mask something?
- No.
- No, you didn't.
Completely unaware of it,
which was my
my brain telling me
that I'm in a fight.
I never knew that.
Why would I know that?
The happiest times in my life
was the ten years in the army.
Without question.
Because I got to wear
the same uniform
as everybody else.
I had to do all the same
training as everybody else.
I started from the bottom
like everybody else.
There was no special treatment
because of who I was.
Oh-ho-ho, there it is.
That was where
I felt my most normal,
and actually, you know,
within my younger years,
the most comfortable I felt
was out in Afghanistan,
away from the media.
I was gonna have to deal
with my past,
because there was anger there.
Towards my late 20s,
I was starting to ask
questions of,
"Should I really be here?"
And that was when
I suddenly started going,
"You can't keep hiding
from this."
Family members have said,
"Just play the game
and your life will be easier."
But I've got a hell of a lot
of my mum in me.
I feel as though I'm
I'm outside of the system,
but I'm still stuck there.
The only way to free yourself
and break out
is to tell the truth.
I've been a chef all my life.
Growing up, everybody knew
I was gonna be a chef.
How you guys doing?
I'm Chef Rashad.
I'm the founder
of Black Food Collective.
I started Black Food
Collective back in 2017.
Our first event was Afro Tech.
Can we have all hands on deck,
please,
to go over there and help them
unload their truck?
- How's the conference today?
- Good.
'Cause you don't want people
lining up right here.
One thing that's missing
in the food industry
is Black-owned food businesses.
I'm Chef Rashad.
I'm the one
that's putting
all this stuff together.
Food can bring people
from every walk of life
- Yep.
- To one table.
Thank you.
I appreciate you.
They used to always say,
"You're either gonna
be a chef
or a or a preacher."
Our whole mission is to create
and grow these businesses
by showing them that they
can actually create wealth
within their community
and their family
to sustain them
for a lifetime.
Whenever I get in front
of people when I'm talking,
people are like, "Oh, my God,
that was so powerful,
what you said"
and I say that's not me.
That is not Rashad.
I was taught how to wear
a mask very, very well,
so, you know, I can get up
and get dressed
with the best of 'em
and put a smile on and
Ah! Positive.
But inside,
feel completely broken.
Little things in my childhood
really affected me
in a major way.
When I was very, very young,
the police raided our house,
and my dad went to jail.
I remember going
to visit him in jail.
Growing up,
I seen a lot of stuff.
I have friends
that are addicted to drugs.
I have friends that are walking
around talking to themselves.
I have
all these people,
thesethese Black men
that I know
that are older and younger
that are dealing with
or not dealing with anything.
So I look at them
and when I look at them,
I see me.
The general population
holds a lot of stigma
for people who struggle with
mental health issues.
And the irony is that
I don't think any person
is one family member away
from somebody who isn't
suffering from depression,
anxiety, substance abuse
and dependence, trauma.
You take those four things,
you probably are gonna reach
80% of the population.
People would not think twice
about saying that their child
had cancer
and that they're gonna go
get treatment,
but they're embarrassed to say,
"My child has depression,
and I have to take him
for treatment."
So I think we have a long way
to go in our society.
I was made to feel insecure
about me being vocal,
me being honest about that.
"Be quiet. Don't say that.
No, calm down.
Oh, no, you talk too much."
After dealing with depression
and anxiety,
I've lost all my passion
for cooking.
It's completely gone.
In 2018, I won "Chopped"
Chef Rashad Armstead,
you are the Chopped Champion.
Take a moment
to savor the victory
before you take 10,000 bucks
to the bank.
Thank you.
Like, I haven't even watched
my "Chopped" episode.
I remember how much pain
I was in
while I was doin' that show.
Within a year,
my whole entire life
has changed completely.
I got a divorce.
Closed down two restaurants.
No car.
Credit is jacked.
Speaking from a Black man's
perspective,
you try to do so many
of the right things
that you're told
that you're supposed to do
and you're supposed to be
and you're supposed to act
and you're supposed to live,
not knowing
that there's a undercurrent.
The rent a car place
said that I fit a description
of a male that was using
a fake credit card.
I was detained for a few
minutes because I was Black.
This guy is parked illegally.
- Parked for two seconds.
- Put it on Facebook.
I don't have
to put it on Facebook.
This is for my protection
because for you
to call the police
for you to call the police
on a person
because they're parked
for two seconds
- Yeah, 'cause it takes one
- Is sick,
- especially because
- To make a swarm!
A swarm!
And it makes you want
to give up sometimes.
It makes you want
to fight even harder.
But it still is like
one of those things
where you gotta find hope
in this
in this darkness.
In the Black community,
we've been taught for years
to go to church,
take it to God,
and everything
is gonna be okay.
Therapy is a taboo situation
when it comes
to the Black community.
We don't do that.
So I had to push it all down.
Now I'm dealing with
depression and anxiety.
Sometimes I'm suicidal.
The heaviest feeling
in my life.
It felt like weights
were on me,
because I'm literally
walking around here
trying to hold on.
I'm like this,
"Okay, okay, just keep going.
Keep going, keep going,
keep going."
Childhood memories come up,
and the fear just cripples me.
But I have to keep on
going now
because if I don't
keep on going,
what the heck am I gonna do?
I feel like one of those
hamsters running in a wheel.
Like, I'm just going,
going, going,
but I'm not going anywhere.
Going to therapy.
I didn't know it was gonna
be this nerve-wracking.
Ah, a thousand, billion things
are going through
my head right now, just
especially
'cause it was so hard
for me to get out of bed
this morning.
It was one of those days
where it was just
a challenge for me
to wake up and
put one foot
in front of the other.
'Cause everything was calling,
just telling me,
"Just reschedule.
Just do this, just do that.
You should do this
and just stay in bed,
and you deserve to rest,"
and all those
kind of good things.
But I had to push past
all that.
I've learned that when
you speak certain things,
you give life to it,
things that sometimes
I try to not talk about
and try not to share.
You know, in therapy, you're
gonna have to share that
if you really wanna
get it right.
So it's uncomfortable for me.
Yeah, it was, uh,
it was definitely
intense, but it was, um
just some of the things
I was
some of the situations
that I was telling her,
she was just like
"Wow, those are all
really, really big red flags."
Oh, it just brought up
so many different emotions.
Man.
It's to that point to where
if I don't be honest
about where I am,
if I don't feel everything that
I'm going through right now,
if I try to lie about it
or try to mask it,
it's gonna be
a dangerous situation.
The mask has to come off.
That's the only way
I'm gonna be free from this,
if I rip this mask off.
Your brain's health
is just as important
as the rest of your body.
To be able to train it
like a muscle
I know the brain's
not a muscle,
but to be able to train it,
just as much as we focus
on our physical health
- Right.
- so should we be focused
on our mental health.
The two are not separate.
We know this.
They are intrinsically linked.
But across society,
across the world,
with stigma and everything else
that's attached to it,
mental health
kind of gets left behind.
But it's also
the invisible injury.
And the things
that we can't see
and the things that we don't
understand scare us.
Um, and
and it's hard to be able
to talk about something
that perhaps a lot of people
don't feel.
That's it,
that's it.
Now pickjab.
There you go, there you go.
Stay down!
Chin down, chin down.
I am six months
out to the Olympics.
I'm ranked number three
in the world now,
and everybody's looking at me,
not only just to go to Tokyo,
but to get gold.
To watch her in the ring,
she can go a whole fight,
just throw one punch
and win it.
And it's like I feel like
that's a masterpiece.
Virginia!
Ish, ish.
When I was little
I was like,
"I don't have a disease."
I was like, "I'm not sick."
Put your hands up.
Ish!
In middle school,
I became anorexic.
It started with just
going on a diet,
and then it became more,
um, intense.
And I liked my results
to the point where I've lost
so much weight,
the doctors and my parents
were worried
I might get to the point
where I could kill myself
'cause I'm so
or starve myself, pretty much.
So they sent me
to inpatient treatment.
The doctors there discovered
really, what's causing
the anorexia
is that she has this disea
a disease called OCD.
When I'm here
in Colorado Springs
and I have this room
to myself,
sometimes this room
can almost be like a prison.
It's like, "Oh, my OCD
now can take over.
There's nobody else."
And I can get stuck cleaning
till 5:00 in the morning.
I need my boxing shoes
for training,
but I can't wear them
unless they're clean.
I wash my shoes a lot
because, in my mind,
the bottom of it
is so contaminated.
So I hate the feeling
of putting dirty shoes on.
Aw, damn it.
So
the shoe accidentally
touched my arm,
so now I gotta go
wash my hands.
So this is what I mean
by a vicious cycle.
When I clean something,
in the process, I get dirty,
and then I go clean myself.
Okay. Get my soap.
So I thought it would take
ten minutes,
but again, I always tell myself
and this stuff happens,
and it changes everything.
Ah.
A lot of times, like,
the soap has to fall on my hand
in a certain way,
or
or it's not getting clean
like I want it to.
I feel like I've used
two different kinds of soaps
to get clean.
Again, I don't know why,
but my brain tells me that.
Well, that's where the shoe
touched me.
It touched me on the wrist,
so I'm trying to make it
fall on my wrist like this
wherehow it touched me.
Ah
So
The thing with OCD
is it's like a trap.
"Stop." I keep telling myself.
It's like I can't, I can't.
It's like I'm trapped
in a cycle of cleaning,
and even though I wanna
get out, I wanna stop
Ahh. Almost had it.
My mind's like,
"Nope, one more time.
Nope, one more time.
With me, if I don't wash
my hands the proper way,
this very uncomfortable
feeling in your body
where your mind gets foggy,
your muscles tense up.
You justyou can't think
properly,
and it won't stop.
I spent most of my life
hiding it,
and that made me feel
more insecure.
I didn't like myself.
'Cause I hid it for so long
'cause I thought people
would judge me,
and then, you know,
think I'm a freak.
Coming out with it has helped
me understand it more.
When I tell people, they're
like, "Why do you that?"
and it makes me think,
"Huh. Why do I do that?"
And so I have to think
why I do it,
and then when I see why I do
it, I'm like, "Oh. Okay."
You see that?
You see what you're doing?
You see what you're doin'?
I don't like my wraps
touching the ground.
All my teammates,
you know, they don't care.
They're like, pshh,
wrapping their hands.
It's all touching the ground,
where I'm like,
"Ah, no, ah, no."
So when Derwin
takes my wraps off,
we make sure
it doesn't touch the ground.
He's learned, finally.
He puts 'em on his shoulder.
Took him a while to learn,
but now he knows.
The ground is like lava,
contamination lava.
That's what I say.
And the thing with my OCD,
a lot of people
with contamination fear
can be about
their fear is about
getting sick and dying.
That's not my fear,
necessarily.
I wasn't worried about,
"Oh, my God,
her blood's in my mouth.
I'm gonna have a disease,
I'm gonna get sick and die."
That's not what
I was worried about.
My fear's more just
the dirty, disgusting feeling
makes me feel like
a disgusting, dirty person.
OCD is recurring thoughts
that cause distress,
anxiety, or fear
and repetitive behaviors
that are intended
to reduce that distress.
There are many types of OCD.
People are most familiar
with ordering and symmetry
or a need to get things
just right.
With contamination OCD,
the fear is of disgust.
This feeling of disgust
is so unpleasant,
it's intolerable,
it will last forever,
and the rituals are intended
to get rid of that
uncomfortable feeling.
I've always been able
to not let my OCD
creep into my boxing.
But this past February
was totally different.
I went three days,
maybe two hours of sleep.
I'd be in the gym,
and something's
gonna touch my skin,
and I would go and wash it,
but was washing
that one little spot
that touched the ground
for two seconds.
I washed one little spot
for maybe 30 minutes.
And then I would go
and do laundry,
but the laundry
wouldn't be right,
so I'd have to redo
the laundry a couple of times.
That's how it escalated.
The whole process
of getting in the shower
got worse and worse
and worse.
It took a whole hour now.
I used to only use
one sponge for one shower.
Now I started using, like,
ten sponges for one shower.
Five bars of soap
for one shower.
I'd go through the big
containers of shower gel.
I'd go through two of those
in one shower.
I wasn't eating, too,
because I didn't have time
to go down to the caf
and eat.
I needed to take a shower
before the next practice.
I was searching
for that feeling so hard,
like, in the process
of doing it,
my muscles tightened,
and I'm like
breathing so hard it was
it was almost
kind of like a workout.
It was like I was working out
24/7, no stop,
with one hour sleep.
When you're not sleeping
for three days,
you get delusional,
you can't think straight,
and that third night,
I just got stuck in that.
I'm just continuously
doing it,
and it's not changing.
Like, the feeling of getting
clean is not changing,
and I became very frustrated
with myself.
I was like, "Just stop!"
You know, yelling at myself.
Crying. Like, I was like,
"Oh, my God, why can't I stop?"
And, um I was, like,
pacing back and forth,
just very erratic.
I don't know what to do.
I'm just stuck in this trap.
Now you're not gonna
be able to box.
Now you're not gonna
be able to socialize.
Like, I was like, "Now you're
not gonna be able to live
because if you get up
and try to live,
you're gonna get stuck in that
trap and not get out of it."
I became so exhausted
at this point,
like, bawling hysterically.
I just kind of, like,
fell on the floor
and that's when I was like,
"I need some serious help,
and I better do it now
before it's too late."
What other words
have you heard
when it comes to stigma
around mental health?
- Crazy?
- Crazy.
- Lost it.
- Lost it.
- Can't keep it together.
- Mental.
- Yeah. Nervous breakdown.
- Yeah.
That stigma of
being labeled "the other"
is the ultimate, I think,
when it comes to mental health.
Look at how many years
people have tried to hide this
in their own families
and not wanting anybody
to know.
And if your parents
don't want to talk about it
and your friends
can't remind you about it,
then there's no reason why you
should go, "Hang on a second.
I may be the product
of my upbringing."
Yeah, and everybody
who has kept a secret,
lived in shame,
let that, um
let the silence, uh,
create the stigma for you
and broke the shame barrier
for yourself.
You recognize that
when you share the story,
it allows other people to not
just see you differently,
but you see yourself differently
and you end up helping
so many other people.
So I love those aha moments
and being able to share stories
that allow people
to see themselves
in somebody else.
And every time
I see someone like Lady Gaga
coming out
and speaking about it,
I know that's a great thing
because it allows people to say,
"Oh, you? Even you?
With all that you have
and are exposed to?"
So that's the goal here,
is to get people
to call it out.
Please welcome the incomparable
Lady Gaga.
When I saw Oprah
and we had that talk
Mental health is a crisis.
And so medication
has helped you.
Medication's helped me
tremendously.
and after she came back
into the room with me
You were so vulnerable.
You were so truthful.
You were so real.
and we were both
crying and hugging,
I felt like
I was in the company
of someone who was safe.
I went through
a really crazy time in my head
that I still work on,
and I'm trying to make sure
that I give back
with that experience
instead of just
I don't know,
locking it away and faking it.
Can't read my,
can't read my
No, he can't read
my poker face
She's got me like nobody
My mental health
I thought was a problem
when I was very young.
I used to cut myself
when I was really young.
I had my own experiences
with abuse,
and it's really hard
for me to articulate
in a way where I feel like
it's safe for young people
to listen
or even older people to listen
about why anyone would cut.
Um, I do believe
that those urges for me
came from a place of,
I need to show the hurt inside.
Listen
I've got the sickest ambition
Whoo!
I was 19 years old,
and I was working
in the business,
and a producer said to me
"Take your clothes off."
And I said, "No."
And I left, and
they told me they
were gonna burn all my music.
And they didn't stop
They didn't stop asking me,
and then I just froze,
and I just
I don'tI don't even remember.
And I will not say his name.
I understand
this Me Too movement.
I understand that some people
feel really comfortable
with this,
and I do not.
I do not ever wanna face
that person again.
This system is so abusive
and so dangerous.
Years later,
I went to the hospital.
They brought a psychiatrist in.
I said,
"Bring me a real doctor."
I said,
"Why is there a psych here?
I can't feel my body."
First, I felt full-on pain.
Then I went numb.
And then I was sick
for weeks and weeks
and weeks and weeks after,
and I realized that it was
this same pain that I felt
when the person who raped me
dropped me off pregnant
on the corner,
my parent's house,
'cause I was vomiting and sick
'cause I'd been being abused.
I was locked away in a studio
for months.
I wanna be able to tell
everybody that's watching
that I dry my tears now
and I move on.
Like, Iyou see?
Like
I open my eyes.
I was taught to do this.
You roll your shoulders back.
You open your eyes.
It helps you regulate.
You know, I know where I am.
I'm in the basement
of my office.
And
you can come back
from things like that.
But when it
when it hits you really hard,
it canit can
it can change you.
I had a
I had a total psychotic break.
And for a couple years,
I was not the same girl.
The way that I feel
when I feel pain
is how I felt
after I was raped.
I've had so many MRIs and scans
where they can't
they don't find nothing,
but
your body remembers.
I couldn't feel anything.
I disassociated.
It's like your brain
goes offline.
And you don't know why
no one else is panicking,
but you are in an ult
like, an ultra-state
of paranoia.
It's a really very real thing
to feel like
there's a black cloud
that is following you
wherever you go,
telling you that you're
worthless and should die.
And I used to scream
and throw myself
against the wall.
And you know why
it's not good to cut?
You know why it's not good
to throw yourself
against the wall?
You know why it's not good
to self-harm?
'Cause it makes you feel worse.
You think you're gonna
feel better
'cause you're showing somebody,
"Hey, look. I'm in pain."
It doesn't help.
I always tell people,
"Tell somebody.
Don't show somebody."
And the reason that I believe
I have cut since very recently
is because the process
of healing and my mental health
has been a slow
a slow rise.
And
even if I have
six brilliant months,
all it takes is
getting triggered once
to feel bad.
And when I say feel bad,
I mean wanna cut,
think about dying,
wondering if
I'm ever gonna do it.
I learned all the ways
to pull myself out of it.
It all started
to slowly change.
It took 2 1/2 years.
What are you doing
in that time?
I won an Oscar.
Nobody knew.
Lady Gaga, Mark Ronson,
Anthony Rossomando,
and Andrew Wyatt.
Thank you so much.
Thank you so much
to the Academy
for this wonderful honor.
Everybody that's at home
right now that's suffering,
I would like first to say
that it is so important
that you surround yourself
with at least one person
that validates you,
and when I say "validates you,"
that means somebody
that believes you,
that cares about you,
and tells you
that your pain matters
and that it's real.
Then I would say
there is a way
to regulate yourself.
- Hi.
- Hey.
How are you?
Hi. How are you?
How are you feeling?
If I focus,
and I go,
"Okay, I'm gonna wake up.
I'm gonna do some therapy
or grounding or gratitude
and I'm gonna move my body
and I'm gonna eat
and I'm gonna do the things
I know are healthy for me.
I'm gonna play piano.
I'm gonna sing a little bit.
I'm gonna brush my teeth.
I'm gonna make sure
that I take a shower."
Mindfully, everything.
If I do enough of these skills
in a row,
if I just keep going and I go,
"Stefani, be brave.
You gotta be braver.
It's brave to breathe.
It's braver to keep going."
And then I go
and before I know it,
I'm standing in my backyard
and Iand I go,
"Okay.
Okay, I'm back."
I believe in eating
throughout the day.
I think it's really important,
uh, for your brain.
So I would
I would consider this,
um, a skill.
Nutrition.
Nutrition as I'm pouring more
hot sauce on my broccoli.
Is it still nutrition
if your broccoli
looks like this?
I put hot sauce on everything.
It's not normal.
What's so interesting
is the line that I walk.
It's actually feeling like
I wanna cut myself
and feeling like I don't
are actually
real close together.
Everybody thinks
it's gotta be a straight line,
that it's, like, just like,
you know, every other virus,
that you get sick and then
you get cured, you know?
It's not like that.
It's just not like that.
And actually,
I think that traps people.
It traps people because
they get so frustrated.
I did.
You get frustrated
with yourself.
"Why am I not getting better?
What's wrong with me?"
And you know what?
There's nothing wrong with you.
But there is something
that's not firing right.
And that's something
you gotta pay attention to,
and also, it's not easy.
This year has been
an interesting year.
Went through a divorce,
went through losing my business,
went through COVID.
To go from sleeping
on my aunt's couch
and literally
having to be homeless,
you know, broke, no money,
toto working my way back
into now I got my own place now
and I'm able
to take care of myself again,
it made me really,
really grateful.
I had to get back out here
to Oakland
because I had
to get back to work.
We're recruiting for about
750 people a week.
Therapy has been
kind of, like, difficult
'cause at one point,
I couldn't afford it.
So I had to find
different ways
to still continue to heal,
and helping
in the Black Food Collective,
helping these businesses,
that was a really,
really big part
of my healing process.
And unpacking all those boxes,
that was a whole emotional
roller coaster right there.
I had to unpack a lot of stuff
that I didn't wanna deal with.
I went back home during
the first part of quarantine.
I didn't know how
to communicate with my family
and tell them, like,
exactly how bad
the depression and anxiety was
because sometimes
I can't find the words
toto say it.
Like, I wanna say it,
but I can't find
the right words to
to where they can receive
what I'm saying.
But they did kind of
force themselves
intointo my bubble,
which I'm glad they did that
because sometimes,
I can get so caught up
in my own little world
that I don't see outside of it.
You wanna heat your oil up now?
Wish you had
some fried chicken grease.
That how you're really
supposed to do it.
No.
You ain't never
had that before?
See?
- I don't know about that.
- Slacking, slacking.
- Really?
- What'd you say?
He just gotta teach me
how to barbecue
without getting smoke on me.
Growing up,
my mom and my dad
were the only saving grace.
My mom is the only one
out of all her sisters
that's still married.
She went through some stuff
that would've broke most people.
Look at that.
Yes, yes, yes.
Rashad was sensitive
and outgoing.
He was always the leader.
Even as a little kid,
he was always leading the pack.
Sometime,
he gets a little quiet.
Don't say too much.
When he was little,
younger coming up,
I seen a little as a teenager,
but it really, really came out
after he got married.
That's when I noticed
that everything kicked in.
And it was really bad.
It was a dark time.
It was a real dark time.
No matter what he tried
to put on or portray,
because I know my son.
He was suffering.
He was suffering bad.
It was like
life had just went crazy.
And it was so crazy
to where it got me
to where I was, like, stuck.
The anxiety would be there
times ten every day,
but I couldn't
I couldn't even just sit
and let the attack happen.
I had to keep on going
while the attack was happening.
I had to keep on going while
the depression was happening.
And sometimes,
you just don't have the words
or can find the correct words
how to communicate correctly.
Yes.
When it was really in those
bad, bad, bad moments,
it was almost like
I was in prison
and I couldn't get out of it.
And I felt that.
I felt that.
- Yeah, we felt that.
- I felt that.
We knew it.
And I could see, you know,
it was getting a little rough.
When he first started
going through it,
I wasn't there a lot.
II would talk to him.
But I didn't talk to him
that much
'cause I was trying to give him
the space to let him know
that we're okay
and you need to
you know, you're a man.
You have to do
what you have to do,
so we gotta kinda back up.
But I don't ever want y'all
to feel like y'all are
Any move that y'all made
waswas wrong, or y'all
feel guilty about any of it
'cause it
it wasn't that.
It wasn't y'all.
It was everything else,
everybody else around
that was just coming in
to just mess up everything.
Getting caught
into certain situations
and not really recognizing
you guys back in the days,
you know, not really realizing
that a lot of that stuff
it wasit made a big impact
on you guys.
- Very big.
- I know it did.
But, you know,
we here for you now.
So, you know, I love you.
Whatever you go through,
I'm here for you.
Families are an essential part
of recovery
for most people,
and a loving family
who can learn
and problem solve
is an indispensable resource.
But if you have a family
that's open to learning
and open to not shaming you
for a vulnerability,
but working alongside of you,
the outcomes you can get
are quite remarkable.
It's not, "What's wrong?"
That's not the right question.
It is, "What's happened
to cause that person
to have that kind of
persistent
or consistent behavior?"
So thatthat strap line,
whatever you wanna call it
- Yeah.
- is now embedded in my brain.
- What happened to you?
- Whenever something happens.
Whenevereven when
I'm on the receiving end
of just hatred and vitriol,
I remem
I remember that because
- What happened to you?
- What happened to you?
What happened to them?
Because "what happened to you"
is not accusatory.
It's a, "Tell me.
Whatwhat happened?"
Instead of,
"What's wrong with you?"
And I find that it applies
to everybody.
The only thing that still
to this day makes me cry
six decades into life
is the recognition
when I first moved to Milwaukee
from Attala County,
Mississippi,
and had never been away
from my grandmother before.
And suddenly,
I'm just put in a car
and sent to Milwaukee
and told that you
you won't see
your grandmother again.
And now you're gonna
be living with your mother
my mother whom
I didn't even know, really.
And'cause my mother was
a part of that great migration
that had gone up north
and left the
left their children
with the grandmothers.
My mother was a boarder
in this middle class,
very light-skinned,
could pass
for a white woman's house.
The first moment I walked in,
instantly, I knew
that she did not like me
because the color of my skin.
And that very first night,
she wouldn't let me
come in the house.
And there was
a little porch foyer
that was exposed to the street,
and I had to sleep out there
on a sofa.
And my mother
who had another child
it was the first time
I met my half sister
um, did not stand up for me,
did not say,
"No, my child
has to come in the house."
And in that instant
that my mother said,
"Okay then, that's just where
you're gonna sleep out here,"
I knew I was alone.
Today on
The Oprah Winfrey Show,
we're gonna be reuniting people
with their favorite teacher,
some who have
not seen each other
for ten, 20, and even 30 years.
But first, I'd like to tell you
about my favorite teacher.
You want me to start weeping?
It's my teachers that saved me.
Mary Duncan.
Mrs. Duncan!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Well, if I had had a class
full of students like Oprah,
I would've been
floating on air.
For so many years
in my life,
that's the only place
I ever really felt loved.
And it's the reason why,
for so many years,
I wanted to be a teacher,
to be able
to give to other kids
what my teachers
had given to me.
The reason why
I love Mrs. Duncan so much
is because she brought out
the best in me.
It was the year that I sort of
knew that I could be somebody.
Ishe just
made me feel important,
and I think all children
need to feel
a sense of self-worth,
and I always, because of you,
felt like
I could take on the world.
Because connection to anybody
that cares about you
makes a world of difference.
For me, it was my teachers.
And that's why
I know school is so important.
Education can't save you,
but it can relieve you,
and so for me,
it was a big relief
and in creating, um
value and worthiness
where I felt none at home.
I felt none.
None.
I brought you all here today
to tell you
that you will be a part
of the very first class
of the Oprah Winfrey
In 2007,
I opened the Oprah Winfrey
Leadership Academy
in South Africa
for girls who had the will
but not the means.
The first two classes
of the school,
they were handpicked by me.
I went to villages
and townships
choosing girls
who had the fire inside them
to want to do better
in their lives.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the daughters
of the Oprah Winfrey
Leadership Academy for Girls.
But on the very first week
of school,
I was noticing
strange behaviors
from some of the girls.
It was like, "What's wrong
with these girls?
They can't concentrate.
They can't focus."
So I call Dr. Bruce Perry,
and he said to me,
"Your kids have trauma.
They have been accustomed
to such chaos
that the brain can't handle
to be in a space of calm
and nurturing and support."
I didn't understand depression
at the time.
We weren't prepared
to deal with the trauma
or the mental illness,
the depression, the anxiety.
Every year I go back,
and I teach a course called,
"Life 101."
I was using
Michael Singer's book,
The Untethered Soul,
and he talks about the thorns
that we all carry,
things that happened
in your life
that got covered up,
that got suppressed,
that you didn't address,
that cause you
to get in situations
that you can't figure out
how that happened.
It's just that the thorn
got rubbed.
So what is the thorn
that needs to be pulled out
for you?
The first girl said,
"My thorn is anger.
I have so much anger."
This is a class of 72 girls.
"I have so much anger."
She said, "Because when
I was four years old,
I tried to tell my grandmother
that my uncle
was messing with me,
and she said, 'Girl,
what are you talking about?
He's your uncle.'
She ignored me,
and when I was seven,
my uncle raped me."
And she said,
um
"Every time I go home
I have to still be
with that uncle.
And my grandmother knows.
And there's nothing
I can do about it.
And I am so angry."
There's silence
because nobody can believe
she's actually
said it out loud.
I said, "Well,
you're not the only girl
who has that story.
I can bet you you're not the
only girl who has that story.
And I would like
any other girl in this room
who has that story
to stand up.
And I want you
to stand up for her.
And in standing up for her,
you stand up for yourself
because her grandmother
did not stand up for her.
Who will stand for her?
But I only want you to stand
if you know
what she's talking about
and you have a similar story."
In this classroom of 20
of 72 girls, 24 girls stood up.
At 9 and 10
and 11 and 12 years old,
I was raped
by my 19-year-old cousin.
I didn't know what rape was.
Certainly wasn't aware
of the word.
I had no idea what sex was.
I had noI had no idea
I had no idea
where babies came from.
I didn't even know
what was happening to me.
And I kept that secret.
And
it's just something
I accepted.
That a girl child ain't safe
in a world full of men.
You don't get through
developmental trauma
unscathed.
You can get through
and find your way,
but along the way,
there's definitely
going to be pain
and there'll be scars
and there'll be challenges.
And I think that this
is a really important thing
for people to understand,
that everybody
is carrying around something.
Everybody has a burden.
We just don't know what it is.
And that's why
it's so important
when you do any kind
of mental health work
to get to know
somebody's story.
The telling of a story,
the being able to say out loud,
"This is what happened to me,"
is crucial.
I don't tell this story
for my own self-service,
'cause to be honest,
it's hard to tell.
I feel a lot of shame
about it.
How do I explain to people
that I have privilege,
I've got money,
I've got power,
and I'm miserable?
Like, what
how do you do that?
What I really care about
is I'm not here
to tell my story to you
because I want anybody
to cry for me.
I'm good
but open your heart up
for somebody else,
because I'm telling you,
I've been through it,
and people need help.
So that's part of my healing,
is being able to talk to you.
I'm not afraid anymore
because I'm not afraid to say,
"Yeah, I do got depression.
Yeah, I do got anxiety.
And I do have those moments
where I don't feel like
doing nothing.
And I do have those moments
where I get angry
and I get sad
and I get overly emotional.
I got all of that.
That's all me right there.
I feel every last bit of that.
But guess what.
I'm glad I felt that."
I think people that acknowledge
their mental health struggles,
they're really
like superheroes.
If you've been
through something,
that doesn't mean
that your kids
or that everybody else
has to go through
the same thing
that you've been through.
Whoa!
I know that
it's my responsibility
and my duty
to break that cycle.