The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya (2006) s01e01 Episode Script

1
Asking someone how long they believed in Santa Claus
is so meaningless that it couldn't even serve as worthless gossip
Regardless, if you're going to ask me how much of my childhood I spent believing in an old man in a red suit
I can confidently say that
I never believed in him in the first place.
I knew that the Santa at the preschool Christmas event was just a fake.
And I didn't even have to see Mommy kissing Santa Claus
I suppose I was just a precocious child who questioned the existence of an old man who only worked on Christmas.
At any rate
Be it aliens, time travelers, ghosts, demons, espers
or evil organizations and the heroes out of cartoons or comic books who battle them
I didn't realize that they weren't real until some time later.
No. I had probably already realized the truth.
I just didn't want to admit it.
Deep in my heart, I wished that aliens, time travelers, ghosts, demons, espers
or evil organizations might pop up in front of me.
However, reality is rather cruel!
One must admire how well the laws of physics were written.
At some point, I stopped being glued to TV UFO specials and programs on psychics.
Aliens. Time travelers. Espers.
None of those could possibly exist.
Though I kind of wish they did
So I suppose my ability to hold convictions while accepting reality is a sign that I've matured.
Entrance
Ceremony
Entrance
Ceremony
9:30 am
As I graduated from middle school
I also graduated from those childish dreams
and became accustomed to the routine of this world.
And so I entered high school with no particular vision in mind
I hope to have a good year with everyone.
and met her.
From East Middle School.
Haruhi Suzumiya.
I have no interest in ordinary humans.
If there are any aliens, time travelers, sliders, or espers here
come join me.
That is all!
Are we supposed to laugh?
A striking beauty stood before me.
Okabe
Uh, whoever's next.
Most people would think that she was just joking.
From East Middle School.
I'm Taniguchi.
In hindsight, that was neither a joke nor a laughing matter.
Haruhi was always dead serious.
And so we met.
I deeply hope that
I can believe it was mere coincidence.
As long as Haruhi Suzumiya was sitting still with her mouth shut
one would believe that she was just a beautiful high schooler.
And since my seat just happened to be located right in front of hers
I figured it might be acceptable to approach her
You can't blame me for losing my mind for a moment.
Hey.
About the stuff in that introduction earlier
How much of it was serious?
What stuff earlier?
The stuff about aliens and whatnot.
Are you an alien?
No, but
No, but what?
No, forget it.
Then don't talk to me.
It's a waste of time.
Don't mind her!
I didn't learn until later on
that they were all from the same middle school as Haruhi.
If you're interested in her
I won't mince words.
Give up on it.
I know. I was in the same class as her for three years in middle school.
Her queerness takes a path unlike anything you've seen.
You mean her introduction?
Yep.
She did a bunch of strange things back in middle school, too.
The most famous one would be the campus grounds graffiti incident.
What's that?
There's this device that uses lime to draw white lines, right?
What was it called again
Whatever.
Someone used that to draw some huge pictograph on the grounds.
And it was secretly done at night.
I remember seeing that.
Wasn't that in the local section of the newspaper?
The Tanabata Mystery
It looked like a failed attempt at a Nazca etching.
And she was the one who did it?
She said so herself, so it's gotta be her.
One morning, we showed up at the classroom to find all the desks out in the hall.
She drew stars on the roof in paint
She even stuck a bunch of talismans all around school.
What is she doing?
Like the ones they use to reanimate corpses.
No idea what for.
Even so, she's pretty popular.
Since she does have looks.
And then she's athletic and probably gets better grades than most.
You can't tell she's a freak when she's just standing there.
Are there any stories about that?
For a while, she kept going from one to another.
As far as I know, the longest lasted a week
and apparently the shortest was five minutes after she agreed to go out with him.
I don't have time to deal with ordinary humans!
Then don't agree to go out in the first place
It's just a story I heard!
Really.
I don't know why, but apparently she doesn't turn anyone down.
That's why I'm warning you before you get any weird ideas.
Give it up.
There's nothing to give up on.
I'm not even interested.
Personally, I'd say
the best one in the class is her.
Ryoko Asakura.
She's gotta be in the top three for our year.
Did you check out all the first-year girls or something?
Oh, yeah!
I assigned them ranks from A to D
and I learned the full names of the ones who ranked A.
And Asakura-san is an A?
An AA+.
She's definitely a nice person, too.
That's fast
At this point, Haruhi Suzumiya had yet to act up.
And for me, it was a month of relaxation.
However, I should note that
I observed a number of Haruhi's eccentric behaviors during this period.
And so, peculiarity number one.
Her hairstyle changes everyday.
Monday.
Tuesday.
Wednesday.
Thursday.
Friday.
As the days progressed, the number of tied-off points in her hair would increase.
After resetting on Monday, it would increase one a day until Friday.
I wonder what her head looks like on Sunday.
I'd sure like to see it.
Peculiarity number two.
They saw my body!
Boys and girls split up for gym class.
Girls change in odd-numbered rooms
and boys move to even-numbered rooms, however
ignoring the fact that boys were still present
she began taking off her uniform!
It would appear that she viewed guys on the same level as potatoes.
Peculiarity number three.
To my amazement
Tea Ceremony Club
she temporarily joined a wide range of clubs in this school.
So Why not join permanently?
All the sports clubs without exception fervently pursued her membership.
'Sides, your presence alone would motivate us!
Turning their requests down, she would arbitrarily join a different club every day.
In the end, she didn't join a single one of them.
What exactly is she trying to do?
In the process, we reached the first day after Golden Week.
[Golden Week: A week long holiday encompassing four national holidays.]
- Yo, Kyon!
Yo.
Incidentally, Kyon is my nickname.
Did you go somewhere for Golden Week?
I took my sister to see our grandmother.
I sure wish people would stop calling me that.
That's lame.
'Sup.
So that makes today Wednesday.
And with that thought in mind
I was probably possessed by some demon.
I can think of no other explanation.
Do you change your hair every day as an alien countermeasure?
I talked to Haruhi Suzumiya.
When did you notice?
Just recently.
I see.
I think that
each day gives off a different image.
Color-wise, Monday(Moon) would be yellow.
I get the feeling this is the first time we've had a conversation.
Tuesday(Fire) would be red.
Wednesday(Water) would be blue.
Thursday(Wood) would be green.
Friday(Gold) is gold.
Saturday(Earth) is light brown.
Sunday(Sun) is white.
I can see where she's coming from, but
So with numbers
Monday would be zero and Sunday would be six?
Yes.
Monday feels more like one to me.
Nobody asked for your opinion!
Oh, really.
Have I met you before?
A long time ago
Nope.
The trigger
while being nothing particularly significant
This would indeed be the trigger.
In any case, a serious response from Haruhi was a surprise.
"Shut up!" "Moron!" "Be quiet!" "Who cares about that!?"
were the replies I was expecting.
Which is why
when Haruhi showed up with her long hair cut
I was rather disturbed.
Anyway, isn't cutting it the day after I point it out a bit hasty?
Hey.
Not really.
After that
conversing with Haruhi in the short period before homeroom became a daily event.
I heard this rumor
Is it true that you've dumped every guy you went out with?
What gives you the right to ask me that?
I don't know what you've heard, but very well.
It's probably all true.
There wasn't a single guy you seriously wanted to date?
All of them were totally no good.
Every single one of them was ridiculously square.
None of them were aliens, time travelers, or espers.
That's to be expected.
And what's up with most of them asking me out over the phone?
Important matters like these should be said in person!
Well you think so?
I'll just go along with her.
I'd probably call her out somewhere and tell her.
That's not important!
So is it or isn't it?
The problem is that there are only worthless men on this planet.
I spent most of middle school being irritated.
Then what kind of a guy did you want?
I'm guessing an alien?
An alien.
Or something along those lines.
In any case, as long as it isn't an ordinary human, it doesn't matter if it's a guy or a girl
Why are you so particular about non-humans?
Isn't that more fun?
Hey, Kyon!
What kind of magic did you use?
What are you talking about?
I've never seen Suzumiya talk that long before.
What did you say to her?
What did I say?
I get the feeling I just asked whatever was on my mind.
It's the end of the world.
Kyon's always liked weird girls.
Don't say things that'll cause misunderstanding.
I'd also like to know.
Suzumiya-san never responds no matter how hard I try to talk to her.
How did you get her to talk to you?
Is there a trick to it?
Don't know.
But I'm relieved now.
I'd be worried if Suzumiya-san kept isolating herself from the rest of the class.
It's a good thing that she's managed to make a friend.
Friend, huh
Keep up whatever you're doing to make Suzumiya-san open up to the class.
We were fortunate enough to be put into the same class
so we should all be friends, right?
I'm counting on you.
Easy for you to say.
If I need to tell her anything from now on
I'll ask you to tell her for me.
But hold on!
I'm not her spokesman or anything.
Pretty please.
Kyon!
We're buddies, right?
I'm surrounded by a bunch of idiots.
Our seating arrangements are being changed.
After drawing my lot from the tin
my new seat was next to the window, second from behind. Quite excellent.
Seating
arrangement
change
Farewell, Haruhi.
Forever.
This is coincidence, right?
Did you really try joining all the clubs?
Let me know if you find one that's fun.
There totally aren't any at all.
An immediate response.
Totally none at all!
It appears she has a habit of using the word "totally."
I was expecting something better after entering high school
but this is no different from back during mandatory education.
Maybe I went to the wrong school.
What criteria are you using to choose a school?
There was a Mystery Research Society.
How was it?
A joke.
They haven't had a single encounter with anything like a case.
All the members are just mystery fanatic bookworms.
None of them look like detective material.
Well, yeah?
I was expecting more from the Supernatural Phenomena Research Society
but it was just a bunch of occult freaks.
What do you think of that?
Nothing much.
Man, it's boring!
With so many clubs, you'd think there'd be at least one weird one.
You can't do anything about what doesn't exist.
In the end, humans have to settle for what's in front of them.
If you think about it, the humans who were unable to do that
made discoveries or inventions
and advanced civilization.
Planes were invented because people wanted to fly.
Cars and trains came to be because people wanted easier means to move around.
However, this came from a limited number of people who had innovative plans and concepts.
In other words, geniuses made it all possible.
Common folk like us are best off living an ordinary life.
Shut up!
Just maybe
This conversation gave her the idea.
It happened suddenly.
What are you doing!?
I figured it out!
Figured out what?
Why didn't I realize such a simple thing sooner?
Realize what?
If there isn't one, I just have to make it myself!
Make what?
A club!
I got it.
Well, just calm down for now.
What's with your reaction?
You should be a little happier about this discovery.
We're in class right now.
Clubroom Clubroom
Assist me.
This feels like extortion.
Assist you with what?
Making my new club.
Why do I have to help you with your idea?
Tell me that first.
I'll go secure a room and members
so you go get the chartering paperwork.
She's not listening.
What kind of club are you planning on making?
Why does that even matter?
Making the club comes first!
Understood?
Find out what you have to do before school's over.
I'll find a room before then.
Understood?
The provisions for chartering a "student association":
Five members or more.
A faculty advisor
a club name
a chairperson
a summary of club activities
There was no need to find out anything.
Everything is listed out on the back of the student handbook.
I don't mind writing this
but I'm willing to bet that whatever Haruhi has in mind
The provisions for chartering a "student association":
Determine faculty advisor, name, responsible party, and club activities.
must adhere to the policy of leading a productive and creative school life.
activities and performance, a motion for a raise in status to "research society"
as long as the group remains a student association, no funding will be provided.
isn't going to "adhere to the policy of leading a productive and creative school life."
Wait! Hol—
What! Not aga—
This room is now our clubroom!
Wait a tick.
Where are we?
The arts department's clubhouse.
The art club and wind ensemble have an art room and a music room, right?
Clubs and associations that don't have such special classrooms
have rooms in this clubhouse.
Also known as the old shack.
This is the literary club's room.
Literary Club
So this belongs to the literary club.
But the third-years all graduated last spring so it has zero members.
It was the only club that would have been cut if nobody new joined.
And this girl is the first-year who joined.
Then the club wasn't cut.
Close enough.
There's only one person.
What about her?
She said she's fine with it.
For real?
When I asked her to lend me this room during lunch
she said go ahead.
She doesn't care as long as she can read apparently.
I suppose you could call her an oddball.
Yeah. You're one to talk.
Yuki Nagato.
Then, Nagato-san.
She's planning on turning this room into an I-have-no-idea-what club.
Is that still okay with you?
Yes.
Well, but
It'll probably be a huge bother.
Not really.
You might even get chased out.
Go ahead.
That's that.
Be sure to meet in this room after school from now on.
You better show up!
If you don't, heads will roll!
I understand.
I like my head where it is.
We have to recruit members first.
We need at least two more.
Wait, that means
you've already counted in that literary club girl as well?
Aren't you confusing her with a piece of furniture that came with the room now?
Rest assured.
I'll find them in no time.
I happen to know of someone made for this club.
And so, the next day.
You go on ahead!
As for me
Oh well.
I shuffled my feet towards the clubroom.
Literary Club
Whatcha reading?
Is it interesting?
Unique.
Which part of it?
All of it.
You like books, huh?
Relatively.
Is that so
Can I leave now?
Hey! Sorry about being late.
It took a while to catch her.
It was another girl.
And an extraordinarily beautiful one at that.
What is this?
Where are we?
Why did you bring me here?
Why are you l-locking the door!?
What are you—
Be quiet.
Allow me to introduce you.
This is Mikuru Asahina-chan.
That's the whole introduction?
Where did you abduct her from?
I didn't abduct her.
It was voluntary arrest.
Close enough.
I caught her daydreaming in a second-year classroom.
I go through every corner of the school during breaks
so I remembered her after spotting her a few times.
I was wondering why she wasn't in the classroom during breaks So that's what she was doing.
Then isn't she an upperclassman?
What about it?
Never mind then.
Uh Asahina-san, is it?
Why her?
Well, take a look.
She's super cute, isn't she?
She sounded like a dangerous kidnapper.
I believe that turn-ons are an essential factor.
Sorry.
What was that?
Turn-ons! Turn-ons!
This is an element of turning people on.
Fundamentally, in every story where something strange happens
there's always an alluring, lolita-looking character present.
That's not all.
She's so small yet, look.
Her breasts are bigger than mine.
A lolita face with big breasts.
This is an important element of turning people on!
News to me.
They really are big
It's starting to piss me off.
Such a cute face is sporting bigger ones than me!
Are you a moron?
But they're really big!
Seriously.
Why don't you touch them?
I'll pass.
So then, what?
The fact that this Asahina-san is cute, small, and has big breasts
is why you brought her here?
That's right.
She must have been born dumb.
I figure we need a mascot character like her.
Mikuru-chan, are you in any other clubs?
Um The calligraphy club.
Quit that then.
It'll conflict with our club activities.
I see
I understand.
What did she just understand?
I'll quit the calligraphy club and join this one.
But I'm not sure what the literary club does
We aren't the literary club.
We're temporarily borrowing this room.
The club you're being forced into
is an unnamed association yet to be made by Suzumiya over there that will participate in unknown activities.
Incidentally, the person sitting there reading
is the real literary club member.
No worries!
I just came up with a name!
Let us hear it.
Attention everyone.
The name of this fledgling club has just been decided.
SOS Brigade!
The save the world by overloading it with fun Haruhi Suzumiya's Brigade.
Or SOS Brigade for short.
Feel free to laugh.
Originally, it should have been the save the world by overloading it with fun Haruhi Suzumiya Association
but an association hasn't even been formed yet.
And nobody has a clue as to what this group is supposed to do.
So brigade is fine then.
Haruhi's incomprehensible words
settled the matter. Oh, joy.
Just do whatever you want.