The Mighty Boosh (2003) s01e01 Episode Script

- All right? - All right.
Did Mrs Gideon ring for me? As if she's gonna ring for you.
Oh, l mean, she might do.
Yeah, why would she ring for me? She thinks l'm an idiot.
Come on, there's plenty of reasons why she wouldn't ring.
Maybe she's trapped in a cabinet.
She doesn't get trapped in cabinets, OK? People get trapped in cabinets all the time.
Doctors, dentists, lawyers.
Haven't you seen the show? ''Captain Cabinets, trapped in cabinets.
'' ''Can he get out? Will he get out?'' Yes, l have seen it.
She's over there.
- Oh, yeah.
- There she is.
(# Orchestra) Oh, sweet lady With your face like a cream oval And your nose like a delicious slope of cream Your ears likecream flaps And your teeth like hard, shiny pegs of cream (Blender whizzing) D'you mind? - Mm? - Doing a poem.
For Mrs Gideon.
Come on.
l think you're going about it all the wrong way with Gideon.
- What d'you mean? - You ask her out, she says no.
And you hang about her garden all night, weeping into her fishpond.
- How do you know? - lt's in all the papers.
''Man kills koi carp with human tears.
'' Pages 4-44.
They interviewed one of the carp.
He was furious.
Oh, it's all salty.
l'm freshwater.
l don't think you understand women.
What d'you think women like? - Trumpets? - Trumpets? - Bookmarks.
- They like edgy characters.
- l've got edge.
- You're as edgy as a satsuma.
l'm a crazy man.
l'm a nut job.
l'm a freakball.
l break through all boundaries.
lf l see a boundary, l eat a boundary and wash it down with a cup of hot, steaming rules.
(Animals chatter, screech) (Sighs) (Feedback) (Mr Fossil) Moon, come to my office right now.
Thank you.
- Run along, Dangermouse.
- l'm not running along to Fossil.
- l'll go in my own sweet time.
- You're Fossil's bitch.
- That's the word on the street.
- Who are you? T-Bone Wilson? Leroy saw you dancing for Fossil in the moonlight, in little blue pants.
l don't dance for Fossil.
He gave you coin, you gave him booty.
Listen, l was playing Fossil like a pipe.
Yeah? - Whatever.
- l was putting a move on him.
As if your moves work.
- Nice hat.
- Thanks.
- (Door opens and closes) - Yeah, l got the moves.
l don't run along to Fossil.
Go in my own time.
(Fossil) l won't tell you again, my bitch.
l had to see him about something anyway.
(# 10cc: Dreadlock Holiday) l was walkin'in Downing Street Concentratin' on truckin'right l heard a dark voice beside of me And l looked round in a state of fright l saw four faces, one man A brother from the gutter They looked me up and down a bit And turned to each other l say, l don't like cricket That's why l don't like cricket.
- Was there anything else, Mr Fossil? - Oh.
You know those guys with the little hands? You know, with the big pockets? With the little version of themselves in the front pocket.
- Kangaroo.
- Yeah.
Anyways, we can make 'em fight, make lots of money.
That's against my principles.
Animals should never be made to fight one another.
Not one another, glossy dick.
You! Me? l'm not doing that.
No way am l fighting a kangaroo.
How about, Moon, l give you thiscup? lt's polystyrene.
That's not gonna swing it, Mr Fossil.
All right.
l didn't wanna have to do this, Moon, but l've got pictures of you nude.
That's right.
l'm gonna put 'em all over my body and run around the zoo.
You can't do this.
Oh, yeah? l got a Xerox machine that says l can.
Your fight's in two days, Moon.
Note to self.
Pocket cup.
Mm.
(Big cats growling) - Hey.
- Hey.
- How'd it go with Fossil? - Well, not great.
What he wants me to do is fight with a kangaroo.
To make money.
- A kangaroo? - Me, one on one with a kangaroo.
- You'll get your head smashed off.
- l know.
l'm not doing it.
But he's got pictures of me naked.
Which he's says he's gonna put up if l don't fight.
l've got nothing to be ashamed of but it's embarrassing.
We see pictures of naked people all the time.
lt's not Oh, Christ! - What? - What's that? - Everyone's got that.
- No, there.
- lt's just normal.
- You're a freak! - lt's just - l don't wanna see it live! - lt's just that.
Vince.
- Get away! - Vince! - You're not right! Get away.
(Growling) (# Electronic ballad) Disfigured and alone Crawling in the shadows Must l live like a freak? Deformed, useless and embarrassed Freak, freak (Monkey gibbers) Mind if l sit down? What are we gonna do? Have you thought about joining the circus? - Do something, or we're in trouble.
- How are you in trouble? Mick Jagger didn't hang out with the Elephant Man.
What am l gonna do, more to the point? lf Mrs Gideon finds out about this, it's over for me.
- What if you fight the kangaroo? - What? lmagine if you fight the kangaroo and beat it.
You'll be dangerous.
You'll have edge.
Gideon'll be all over you like a flannel.
- Good plan.
- lt's perfect.
One problem.
How do l beat a kangaroo? - l'll train you up.
- You? - You'll train me up? - Yeah.
l'm a Cockney bitch.
l'm a ragamuffin from the streets.
You're a French duke, if ever l saw one.
- You lie around eating soft cheese.
- l'm a chimney sweep.
All my family are into boxing.
All of them, even me auntie.
She loves it.
My family are nutters.
My uncle once punched a man so hard his legs became trombones.
The man had to leave the ring like this.
(Makes trombone noises) - Are you gonna help me or dance? - Let's get going.
- What's this? - l could only get one size.
Your size.
Nice.
Carlos Santana wore these when he was training for Woodstock.
- He could have washed them.
- Let's check out your opponent.
Got these videos off Naboo.
Kangaroo videos.
(Australian woman ) A kangaroo, if attacked, leans on its tail and using its hind legs, disembowels its prey in sec - (Tape spools) - That's not true.
.
.
adult kangaroo can punch through solid steel (Tape spools) lf a man was to fight a kangaroo, he would be immediately killed.
lt's not the video l was thinking of.
This is the one.
Skipper, Skipper, the kangaroo (Australian man ) Skipper, you all right, mate? Skipper, you psycho, get off me! He's gone berserk! He's killing everyone! Skipper, no! l'm being disembowelled! (Laughs nervously) Ermlet's not concentrate on your opponent.
Let's go to my uncle's gym.
He'll know what to do.
He's great.
He knows everything about boxing.
Come on, Carlos.
Look at this place.
Ah, just as l remember.
The old ropes.
All right, Ralph? - This is great.
What d'you reckon? - Smells a bit funny.
- A bit funny? - Musty.
The smell of brutish men, squirting out hot jets of man-foam.
You'll be doing that.
That's my uncle.
Throw a net over him.
All right.
Take him out to dinner.
Right.
Don't kiss him! Let me have a word.
You wait here.
Oi! No women in here.
lt's me.
Vince.
Vincie! l thought l'd lost you forever.
lt's nice to see you, but if you do that again l'll rip your eyes out.
- l'm gonna be a boxing trainer.
- Right.
- This guy is my star pupil.
- Let's have a look at him.
He looks like a retard.
- When's the fight? - Tomorrow night.
There's only one way to get this boy ready for the fight.
- Training montage.
- With music.
- Yeah! - Stop.
('60s adventure-film music) - Vincie.
We've got a problem.
- What is it? lt's this cup.
l don't know what to do with it.
Sometimes l wish there was a kind of pocket cup that someone could invent, that you could drink - What we gonna do with Howard? - Oh.
He's hopeless.
But l've got an idea.
lt's an old boxing trick.
You build up his confidence by letting him beat a weaker opponent.
- Yeah.
- Nice.
- l'll go get someone.
- Great.
Easy does it, Margaret.
- Hey, Howard.
- What's happening? We're down to the critical stages of your training now.
- Right.
- Sparring.
Sparring.
OK.
Who am l gonna fight? This guy here? l don't think so.
He's way too dangerous.
That's Micky The Fist.
(Gong) What about this fella? - l don't think so.
- He's more my standard.
Not really.
That's Jimmy The Reach.
He doesn't look like much, but check out his arms.
(lndian music) - OK.
Who am l gonna fight, then? - Don't worry about it.
My uncle's found someone with the exact proportions of your opponent.
Yes! Whoa-ho! Whoa! Stay down! Stay down there, you little midget! - Loser! - Yes! Howard Moon! l rain down the pain, l'm Monsoon Moon.
l'm comin' at you like a beam, like a laser.
Don't try and stop me.
l'm quick, like lightning.
l'm frightening.
Oww! You want a piece of me now? You got nothing! l'm going to have to teach you some manners, boy.
Come on, then.
Step into the painy season.
- l beg your pardon? - Painy, rainy.
Get with the lingo.
Listen, you hooligan.
l'm going to get you.
Not today, but one day you will feel my pugilistic rage upon your face.
- l always get my man.
- Whatever.
- Come on, l've got the moves.
- Get out of there.
He's seen what's going on.
He saw my boy.
- Whoo! - He saw the damage he did.
- Whoo! - See you later.
You do know he's gonna die, don't you? Yeah.
Yeah.
Monsoon Moon, they call me.
What about Thunderstorm Moon? He comes in like a heavy shower of pain.
- Nice.
Or Hailstone Howard? - That's good.
- Hey, Howard.
Gideon.
- Oh, yeah.
- Tell her about the fight.
- Right.
- Be a bit cool.
Don't be too eager.
- Yeah.
Hi, Mrs Gideon.
Big fight tomorrow for me.
Hope you can make it.
- Please come.
Please.
- Cooler.
- Bitch.
- Not that cool.
Nicebitch.
Get out the way.
l'll deal with this.
- Hey, Mrs Gideon.
- Hello, Vince.
- How's it going? - Oh, OK.
- That's my boy.
l'm training him up.
- Oh.
He's hot.
Big fight tomorrow night.
lt's gonna be exciting.
- Really? - l can get you a ringside ticket.
Well, l'm not so sure.
l don't really like violence.
Right.
Just out of interest, what do you like? - Trumpets.
- Trumpets? - Trumpets and bookmarks.
- Right.
- Hey, Naboo.
You gotta help me.
- Where are my kangaroo videos? - Oh, l forgot 'em.
Sorry.
- That's a fine.
- A fine? - Five euros.
Whatever.
Help me with Howard.
- The Raging Bull? - More of a Demented Swan.
He's gonna get killed.
ls there anything you can do? (Whirring) What was that, you jack of clubs? l said could you help me, not blow dust in my eyes.
lt is magic dust.
What is he, a muppet? (Birds coo and cry) Howard, l've been thinking, yeah? l mean, you're a sensitive man.
D'you really wanna be fighting? l mean, you're a pacifist.
You're Britain's leading cream poet.
That's loser talk, Vince.
The cream days are over.
l've gone off, curdled, Vince.
l've got my edge back.
That's the word on the street now.
Nobody's bitch no more.
l'm Howard Moon.
Monsoon Moon.
Tomorrow night l'm gonna be fighting a vicious, vicious animal.
lt could kill me in an instant but it's not gonna, because you trained me up.
You gave me that confidence, Vince.
You believed in me.
l wouldn't be fighting tomorrow if it wasn't for you.
Funny that, innit? lt's all down to you.
You.
- (Clock ticking) - (Echoing) You.
You.
You.
(# Growling didgeridoo) (Animals cry, wind howls) (Tuneful bleeps) (Tuneful bleeps) (Wind howling) (# Percussion) (# Funky bass line) How d'you gets to kill a roo? lt's all you have to do How d'you gets to kill a roo? lt's all you have to do Yeah, tell me now How d'you gets to kill a roo? lt's all you have to do How d'you gets to kill a roo? lt's all you have to do Yeah, tell me now How d'you gets to kill a roo? lt's all you have to do How d'you gets to kill a roo? lt's all you have to do Yeah, domino How d'you gets to kill a roo? lt's all you have to do How d'you gets to kill a roo? - Oh! - Morning.
- Oh, l had this really weird dream.
- Oh, yeah? Weird images.
To do with the fight.
Don't worry about that.
Dreams don't mean anything.
- Grapefruit? - (Didgeridoo plays) - No.
- Eggs? (Didgeridoo plays) - Didgeridoo? - (Didgeridoo plays) - Get up.
Let's get ready.
- All right.
- What are you wearing tonight? - Why? - Nothing outlandish, OK? - All right.
- l'm the star.
- Fine.
- Don't want you pulling focus on me.
- You're the star.
lt'll be fine.
What are you wearing? l told you not to pull focus.
No one's looking at me.
You're the star of the show.
- Can l have your autograph, please? - Not now.
l'm the fighter, you little tit-box.
All right.
Easy.
Welcome to the Zooniverse first annual shady underground boxing competition! Heading to the plate, weighing in at 380 pounds After 212 kills, 147 disembowelments, wanted in 18 countries for eating a man's face right off his skull, the antipodean killing machine, the Killeroo! (Cheering) - l didn't know anything about that.
- lt's just hype.
You'll get the same treatment.
Wait till you hear your introduction.
Andfighting the Killeroo, Howard Moon! Former male prostitute.
(Silence) With me ringside is Joey Moose, our marsupial expert at the Zooniverse.
Joey, take it away.
(Australian accent) The kangaroo is a magnificent animal.
- Now, this fella's - (Echoing growl) - Ow! - Let's get you loosened up.
- Not so harsh.
- You've got a knot there.
That hurts.
Easy! And your referee today is Naboo, the shaman and kiosk-vendor.
l want a clean fight.
No biting, no kicking, nothing below the tail.
Touch gloves.
- With the roo.
- (Grunts) - The bell is about to ring.
- (Rings) (Cheering) (Growls, honks) Go on, my son! (Whistling) Get in there, slap him! Howard, come on! What you doing? Stop dancing.
Move in! Come on, grab his fur.
Go on, Howard! - (Cheering) - Go on! (Didgeridoo plays, tuneful bleeps) Now, that was possibly the weakest start to a boxing match ever.
But don't worry.
Dance around a bit.
Bob and weave, OK? And keep him at bay with your jab, all right? Punch him in the snout, all right? Howard.
Howard? Have you come about the croutons? Just punch the big mouse.
We're about to start round two.
- (Bell) - Go on! (Screeches) He's down! Oh, my God, he's down like a clown! (Choir singing Mozart Requiem ) # Dies irae Dies illa Solvet saeclum in favilla Teste David cum Sybilla Quantus tremor est futurus Quando judex est venturus Cuncta stricte discussurus Oh! Moon is up! Oh, my God! How resilient is this? - There's been a terrible mix-up.
- What are you talking about? l don't know anything about boxing.
l'm a French duke.
What? What about your uncle? He trained me up.
That wasn't my uncle.
That's my uncle.
(# Baroque music ) l don't care.
lt's gone too far.
l'm Monsoon Moon and there's a painstorm a-brewing.
(Bell dings) Moon is up against the ropes.
He's being pummelled left and right.
This is a real bloodbath! Joey, would you stop eating those tomatoes? l can't believe what's going on here! - (Spectators shouting) - He's gonna eat his face off! l can't wait! (Didgeridoo plays) (Tuneful bleeps) (Vince) The images! What do they mean? - How do you kill a roo? - His balls, man.
Grab his flamin' balls.
Right.
Christ, you're thick.
- (Spectators shouting) - (Crunching) (Screams) Now, Howard! Now! (Thud) Moon must have gotten a punch in! This is not supposed to happen! What's going on? (Cheering, whistling) Gideon! Gideon! Gideon! Gideon! l'm Moon! Monsoon Moon! Raining down! Whoo-hoo! Gideon! Gideon! Gideon! No! No! Whoo! (Sudden silence) Phew! Hope you enjoyed the show.
l displayed some powerful moves.
You'd have got your head smashed off if it weren't for me.
Whatever.
l came out on top.
Ain't nobody who can touch me.
l'm Monsoon Moon.
l l always get my man.
Goodbye.
The show is finished now.
Go on.
Get away.
Sling your hook.
Show finished.
lt's all over.
What are you looking at? lt's all over! Get away.