The Mindy Project s01e01 Episode Script

You have an idea of how your life is going to turn out.
When I was a kid, all I did was watch romantic comedies in our living room while I did my homework.
"I'll have what she's having.
" Some coffee or, you know, drinks? In High School, Tom Hanks was my first boyfriend.
"For as long as we both shall live.
" In college, everything changed.
No supervision, total freedom.
I could watch romantic comedies whenever I wanted to.
"I'm just a girl "standing in front of a boy asking him to love her.
" And then two years ago, when I finally became a doctor, I had no time for any distractions.
You are 8 1/2 months pregnant.
Your husband's gotta keep his schvantz away from you.
Which I can imagine must be difficult with a wife as beautiful as yours.
She's already pregnant, Dr.
Reed.
Idiot.
I am going to put Dr.
Castellano in charge.
He's my best resident.
Dr.
Castellano.
Daniel Castellano.
I'm the man that's gonna take a person outta you.
I don't take that responsibility lightly, okay? You're scaring them, Danny.
- Sorry.
- Sorry, ma'am.
Don't be frightened.
And that's when I saw him.
Oh, my God.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Sorry.
Sorry.
No way.
Thanks.
It's happening.
What? Um, it's, uh, it's happening.
The doors are closing.
I just love when the elevators start to do their thing.
Oh.
Never thought about that.
I guess I do too.
Oh, my God.
Sorry.
Oh, here, let me help you with that stuff.
Sorry.
Oh.
Klutzes, party of two.
Seriously.
Met in an elevator.
My hair came undone.
Are you kidding me? I'm basically Sandra bullock.
And then it happened.
Did the elevator just stop? I'm mindy.
Obstetrics and gynecology.
Tom.
Oral surgery.
Can I get you an orange? We were stuck in the elevator for 20 minutes I have a sandwich here.
And I moved into his apartment two months later.
What does this have to do with the circumstances of your arrest? I am getting to that.
Tom got married last night to someone else.
Three months ago, he met and fell in love with some serbian girl who sells bagels in the lobby of the hospital.
He fixed her teeth, dumped me, and last night, they got married.
I don't think they thought I would ever go, so they invited me to be polite.
But, oh, I did go.
And after four vodka sodas, I realized I had something to say.
Some of you might not know that Tom and I used to date.
So I have some pretty good stories about everyone's favorite glorified dentist.
Like how Tom will always cover his ears and go, "ahh," if you start talking about an episode of TV that he has not seen yet.
God forbid you give away the ending to Downton abbey.
What the hell is this show, and why does everybody keep talking about it? Shh.
Why can't I talk? Or the time that Tom told me, um, when we were having sex that he wanted to marry me and make me pregnant with six babies.
Did you guys know about that? Which I really wanted too.
Hey But that didn't end up happening 'cause I think I was too old.
No, I mean, I know that I was too old.
That's what you said to me.
Not what I said.
When you broke up with me.
Sorry, you said you wanted to build a future with someone with more years to share.
That is what I said.
Doesn't matter, because here you are, getting married to the serbian bagel girl.
By the way, are we 100% sure that she is not a war criminal? Don't look at me like that.
Am I the only person here who saw Angelina jolie's movie? She's not a war criminal.
Whatever, you guys.
I'm so happy for you.
I only want the best for the two of you.
One of you.
Let's wrap it up.
L'chaim! Everyone, great talking to you.
Huh! Great, awesome.
Thank you.
Brilliant.
I'm Sandra bullock! Racist! Ooh, a shortcut.
Aah! Mindy.
Mindy, down here.
I've been waiting for you.
Can I tell you something, girl to girl? You are acting like a idiot.
If you don't pull it together, no one will ever love you.
At least I have a boyfriend.
And when that hot, mean doll pointed out that even she had a boyfriend, I just started to cry.
This is not where I should be.
It's important for you to know that this is not really who I am.
Or who I have been is not who I'm going to be.
We have you down for three counts of public intoxication, theft, and disorderly conduct.
I'm sorry, disorderly conduct? Aren't there rapists and murderers out there? When you are disorderly, you are a rapist of peace and quiet.
That's a little okay.
She's been bailed out.
Gwen, my hero.
It has been great working with you and seeing this process from the inside.
Before I leave, would it be possible to get a tour of the special victims unit? No? Okay, bye.
Did you think that Tom was just gonna ditch the wedding and run off with you like you're Katherine Heigl? Kind of, yes.
Well, your life is not a romantic comedy.
Right now it seems more like a sad documentary about a criminally insane spinster.
It kinda sounds like I could win an Oscar though.
I think I should cancel that date tonight with Dennis.
Gwen, no.
Listen, I'm just being real with you.
Carl and I know, like, three datable guys that we can set friends up with, and I can't squander them on a high-risk situation like this.
Okay, I promise you, Gwen, this drunk, crime-committing person, she's history.
There's no reason for me to live my life like this.
I went to a good college, I am a doctor.
This is boring.
My body mass index is not great, but I'm not, like, precious or anything, you know? This is boring.
You know what, you are boring.
Contribute something.
Don't call my daughter boring.
Honey, you're fascinating.
Hmm.
Listen, Gwen, I cannot keep hooking up with Jeremy and then later asking him, "hey, what's our deal anyway?" That British guy, he is bad news.
We do not know that he is bad news.
I think he has a good heart.
I think he's Hugh grant in about a boy.
I think that he is Hugh grant in real life.
Mindy? I hate to interrupt because I see you're enjoying some well-deserved BFF time.
Hello, Gwendolyn.
Hi.
Your patient, Allison silverman, is going into labor.
The one with insurance? Oh, hell yes, okay.
Bye, guys.
Gotta go.
Love you.
Bye, love you.
Hey! It's fine.
I'm a doctor! Medical emergency! Congratulations.
There you go.
I'm on call.
So you delivered my patient? You're welcome.
May I say you look great? Sorry, Danny, I didn't have time to get dolled up for you because I was kind of busy freeing myself from wrongful imprisonment.
Wrongful? My God, you think they'll ever catch the real drunk girl who fell into the pool? That's hilarious.
But I guess it's not hilarious when you get arrested for assault at a Bruce Springsteen concert.
First of all, it's a Springsteen show, not a Bruce Springsteen concert.
You sound ignorant.
Second of all, you don't show up at a Springsteen show wearing a John cougar mellencamp t-shirt unless you want to get punched in the face.
How did I get into this Springsteen-mellencamp conversation again? Oh, and Mrs.
silverman asked if I'd be her doctor from now on, and I said yes.
Are you kidding me? So now you're stealing my patient? It's not stealing if she wanted to go.
Leave her alone, Danny.
She's had a rough night.
And whose fault is that? Everyone loses it at weddings.
They're designed to exploit our sentimental side.
Thank you.
I agree with that.
I can't recall a wedding where I didn't end up in the arms of some woman I met that night.
And not because she was vulnerable.
'Cause I was.
You know, I used to think that sex addiction was made up by male celebrities, but now I think it's real.
That's not cool.
Yes, yeah, I love sex.
I do it a lot.
I do it well.
But I'm not addicted to it.
I'm addicted to attention.
That is so interesting.
Listen, I'm all for lonely people making connections, but this is the doctors' lounge, not the wooded area behind the highway rest stop, all right? I mean, really, guys, I hate that I can't read the newspaper in here anymore.
Yeah, we get it, Danny.
You read the newspaper.
You're so much smarter than us.
We get it, Danny.
You're so much smarter than us.
I am though.
I'm smarter than you.
You look so trashy right now.
I know.
I'm sorry.
No, I love it.
Do you wanna hang out? We are hanging out.
Let's hang out deep.
Oh, God.
Sorry, thank you for the offer.
What? I want to.
You should.
And I can't.
Okay.
You're gorgeous.
Okay, I gotta go.
I gotta go.
This sucks.
I hate my life.
Take that trashiness with you.
Okay, thanks.
Okay, good-bye.
™ª how am I to be ♪ with all your silly ways ♪ now note to self, try to change your life today.
I'm gonna take the stairs instead of taking the elevator, or escalator maybe.
Baby steps.
There's a patient waiting in your office.
That's great news.
Thank you, Betsy.
Nasreen, you are nine months pregnant, and you don't have health insurance.
I'm sorry, I just I can't take you on as a patient.
But my aunt and uncle said you were the person to go to.
I was.
And I really, really want to help you.
It's just that I'm at this point in my life where I can't just do what I want to do.
You know, I have to do things that really move my life forward.
Like like spinning.
Do you guys know what that is? We won't tell anybody.
Still, people could find out.
How? Um, let's see, I talk a lot.
You know, like in my sleep, on a date.
I drink a lot.
So I just, I can't control it.
Okay, okay, okay, look, look.
I will take you on as a patient, but you just need to look me in the eye and promise me that you will have health insurance by the time she delivers.
But I can't promise it.
I don't know if it's true.
It doesn't have to be true.
I just need to hear it.
I do this with guys all the time.
I promise we will have insurance.
Great, thank you.
Welcome.
Hey, you two, quick question.
Do you care about my career and want me to succeed? More than anything in the world.
Okay, well, if that is the case, why are you sending me non-english-speaking pregnant immigrants with no health insurance, with literally, like, burkas and stuff? I thought she might be rich with oil money.
Well, she wasn't.
She was poor with nothing money.
Well, why wouldn't you just tell her no? Because I am not good at saying no.
Okay, one time I left a flea market with a samurai sword.
I just I need a different kind of patient.
More white patients, done.
Well, don't write that.
But yes.
So do you guys want to see an amazing first-date outfit? Yes.
For sure.
Oh, my gosh! I mean, I don't know.
Wow.
Gotta give it up, you look hot.
Thank you for giving it up, shauna.
Okay.
Boy.
I can hear you.
What? That's not a good date outfit.
What are you talking about? It's glamorous, and it's awesome.
Girls may like that stuff, but guys don't.
Um, I think I know what guys like.
Maybe.
Is your date with Elton John on new year's Eve? That's not funny.
That is insensitive to gay men and to me.
Morning, everybody.
Good morning.
Dr.
shulman, do you like my outfit? It's glitzy.
Got razzle-dazzle, like a fishing lure.
But do you like it? Danny, you know, I like it because she likes it so much.
Mindy, what's the occasion? First date.
First date? Exciting.
Remember, you're worth waiting for.
He hates it.
He didn't say that.
Anyway, that's just my two cents, but what do I know? I'm just a wealthy, single heterosexual male.
Well, what do you think she should wear, Dr.
Castellano? She didn't grow up in this country.
Actually, I did grow up in this country, Betsy.
Thank you.
Oh.
But answer the question.
Easy, tight dress, shoes that won't make you complain about walking two blocks.
Not a lot of makeup.
Look hot.
Keep it simple.
Okay, thank you.
Sure.
I'm just gonna take fashion advice from Danny Castellano.
You're welcome.
'Cause Danny Castellano, he really gets women, you know? I do, don't I? Just ask his wife.
Oh, I'm sorry, his, um, ex-wife.
You know what would really look great? Yeah? What? If you lost 15 pounds.
What? Do you wanna get smacked? No, I don't wanna get smacked, Dr.
Lahiri, not in my place of work.
I want to peacefully go about my day.
Do not listen to him.
You are beautiful.
Don't let anybody tell you otherwise.
If you need me, I'll be in my office.
媻 okay, okay, okay.
That's enough, that's enough.
We're at work for God's sake.
Come on.
This is really unprofessional.
Oh, great, we broke this model of the human pelvis.
What's wrong with us? I'm 31 right now.
I can't do this kinda thing anymore.
I need to give myself a chance.
And if that doesn't work out, we could maybe resume this in my 40s, 50s, and 60s.
Yeah, I'm not gonna want to have sex with you in your 40s, 50s, or 60s.
That's really rude.
And just so you know, when I'm that age, I'm gonna be super hot and have a bunch of really cute kids running around.
Right.
Meanwhile, you are gonna be some weirdo alcoholic trying to write a novel in Cuba.
Poems, but Doesn't matter.
Right.
You know what, I'm gonna take this, because I don't think you deserve to have it.
I need some pens.
Oh.
Got more pens.
You look nice.
Go to hell.
Dear lord, please let this date be good.
May he have the wealth of mayor Bloomberg, the personality of jon Stewart, the face of Michael Fassbender.
The penis of Michael Fassbender.
And may Okay, okay.
I'm going, I'm going.
媻 hi.
I'm Dennis.
I'm mindy.
I just came from a delivery, so threw this on, raced over.
Well, you look very pretty for having just raced over.
I just wish that I had more time, you know, to get ready for this date.
I mean, if it is a date.
I don't care.
We could just be here as bros, who cares? Not me.
What should I get to eat? No, it's a date.
Oh.
Let's see, what should I order? I'm basically a vegetarian for moral reasons.
I mean, I eat eggs and fish and hamburgers.
Never steak.
Well, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
Wall street, huh? So you must have access to a lot of drugs.
Actually, I don't have any access to drugs on wall street.
Do you? No, no, no, I hate drugs.
You know, I didn't know that pot and marijuana were the same thing until college.
Really? Okay, so we were talking about how you grew up very handsome and how difficult that was for you.
Can I just admit something here? Mm-hmm.
Carl warned me that you can be a little bit, not crazy, but dramatic.
Carl said that? I will kill To, uh, know why he would say something like that.
That Carl.
I just think it's really funny because I find you so charming and down-to-earth.
Thank you.
Yeah, I hate drama.
My idea of the perfect night is Staying at home.
Staying at home.
Yes! Eating, um, salad.
Hello, Caprese.
Yeah, yeah.
Uh, miss? There's a boy on the phone named Max.
He says it's an emergency.
I, uh, respectfully decline.
He says he's called you several times.
It's the son of a patient.
You know what, take it.
By all means, it's not No, no, no.
There's a lot of doctors who can cover me, so he's just so attached to me.
Kids love me.
What do you want me to do? I don't care, babe.
Just throw it away, hang it up, whatever you wanna do.
It's your phone.
I don't know what to tell you.
You know what, just give me the phone.
Give me the phone.
Max.
I am on a date right now.
Do you know how difficult it is for a chubby 31-year-old woman to go on a legit date with a guy who majored in economics at Duke? Mm, I never told you those things.
I looked it up online, okay? Relax.
Please don't pull at my heartstrings.
Okay, okay, okay.
I'll be there.
Okay, damn it.
Dennis, I've had a great time, but I have to go.
Oh.
Yeah, I should be finished at, like, 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning.
You could just come over.
All right.
Oh, no.
No, no, not like that.
No, I'm sorry.
No, I used to be like that.
Really? But not anymore.
Not with you.
'Cause I'm not No, you're great.
I would love Okay.
At least not first date.
Sure.
Third date, whole other story.
Really? No, no, no, no.
Because you, I like you, and I wouldn't want to ruin it with sex.
Okay, it's kind of a Roller coaster ride.
Taxi! ™ª live fast, die young ♪ bad girls do it well ♪ live fast, die young ♪ bad girls do it well ♪ chain hits my chest ♪ when I'm banging on the dashboard ♪ ♪ my chain hits my chest ♪ when I'm banging on the radio ♪ ♪ get back ♪ get down ♪ pull me closer if you think you can hang ♪ ♪ hands up ♪ hands tied ♪ don't go screaming ♪ if I blow you with a bang ♪ ♪ ah, suki, suki ♪ I'm coming in the cherokee ♪ ♪ gasoline ♪ there's steam on the window screen ♪ ♪ take it, take it ♪ wheels bouncing like a trampoline ♪ ♪ when I get to where I'm going ♪ ♪ gonna have you trembling ™ª who would actually do that? Billy, don't run.
It's new year's.
Go out and get laid, man.
Danny, honestly, what is your problem? What's my problem? What's his problem? I'd be pissed off if I was Meg Ryan and some guy interrupted my new year's Eve like that.
I'd be like, "hey, man, I'm just trying to party with my friends "and kiss some strangers at midnight.
Like, leave me alone.
What are you doing here?" Never speak for Meg Ryan again.
I won't.
I'm assuming your date is cancelled.
Maybe I won't get married, you know? Maybe I'll do one of those eat, pray, love things.
Ugh, no, I don't wanna pray.
Forget it.
I'll just die alone.
So who's the guy? He was perfect, Danny.
He was handsome, he had a job, he was exactly which you know is very important to me.
Was he a man? What do you mean? Yeah, of course he was a man.
No, I mean, like, was he a man? Danny, don't just repeat it and expect me to understand what you're saying.
Was this the kinda guy who, if you heard glass breaking in the middle of the night, is he gonna jump out of bed, say, "stay here," and look through the house naked with a baseball bat, or is he gonna hide under the covers with you? I don't know, that's a good question.
Is this the kinda guy who is gonna get grossed out when you give birth, or is he gonna dry your forehead and tell you you look beautiful while all that disgusting stuff is coming out of you? I couldn't glean that from this one date we had.
Is this the kinda guy that's not afraid to get into a fistfight at a Springsteen show because someone really disrespects him? Okay, okay.
And he'll just put it out Okay, okay.
And he'll take 'em down right there, right now? You're just talking about yourself.
I'm not talking about myself.
Okay.
Maybe there's some overlap.
Yeah.
You know, you actually didn't do a terrible job with that breech.
I knew it, you stalker.
I knew it, you were trying to steal my delivery.
Well, sure, I never know when you're gonna get wasted and spend the night in jail.
I gotta pounce on those opportunities, with the economy and all.
Danny, that was kinda funny.
What, with the economy line? Yeah.
Yes.
You know, this morning I woke up in jail 'cause I was broken up over a guy who fixes teeth for a living.
That's crazy.
Now I'm watching one of my favorite movies.
I just delivered a baby into this world.
I have a new patient.
That's great.
This is working.
This is progress.
This is finally turning What are you doing? Now we're talking.
I am sharing my feelings with you.
I want to share this show with you.
It's a great show.
I've seen this episode before.
There are different episodes of this? Okay, Gwen, let me defend myself.
Because even though I messed up the date with Dennis, I think that he was almost too perfect.
Like maybe he was a serial murderer or something.
If he's a serial murderer, then Carl's a serial murderer.
Who's that? Uh, delivery.
I ordered some clear soup.
Clear soup? That's not a thing.
It is a thing.
It is a thing.
Tell your clear soup hello for me.
Okay, I will.
Hi.
Hey, Gwen, um Mm-hmm.
I really am changing though.
I just feel very motivated, and tomorrow is going to be different.
And you know what, if not tomorrow, then the next day, I swear.
Okay.
Okay.
™ª live fast, die young ♪ bad girls do it well