The Muppet Show (1976) s01e01 Episode Script

It's The Muppet Show, with our very speciaI guest star Miss Juliet Prowse, It's time to play the music It's time to light the lights It's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight It's time to put on makeup It's time to dress up right It's time to raise the curtain on The Muppet Show tonight Hey, have I got an opening joke for you tonight? You're Oh, you're gonna love this, These two To introduce our guest star That's what I'm here to do So it really makes me happy To introduce to you Miss Juliet Prowse, But now let's get things started on the most sensationaI, inspirationaI CelebrationaI, MuppetationaI This is what we call The Muppet Show Thank you, Thank you, Hey, listen, it's another great show, folks, I mean, tonight our guest star is one of the truly great dancers of the world, the one and only Miss Juliet Prowse, And, if that weren't enough, we've also got "Mahna Mahna," Whatever that means, Be-do be-do do-do-do be-do be-be-do be-do Do doo be-do-do Mahna mahna Do doo be-do-do Mahna mahna Do do-do do Mahna mahna Do doo be-do-do Be-do-do, be-do-do be-do-do-doodle do do do-doo do Mahna mahna mahna-ma nuh-nuh me-nah-ne-nah Nuh-nuh-nuh mah-mah nuh-nuh Uh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh Uh-nuh-nuh Mahna mahna Do doo be-do-do Mahna mahna Do do-do do Mahna mahna Do doo be-do-do Be-do-do, be-do-do be-do-do-doodle do do do-doo do Mah nuh-nuh mah nuh-nuh Mah-nuh mah-nuh-nuh mah-nuh-nuh-nuh Mah-nuh mah-nuh-nana nuh-nuh ne Nuh? Huh? ♪ Mahna mahna ♪ Do doo be-do-do Mahna mahna Do do-do do Mahna mahna Do doo be-do-do Be-do-do, be-do-do be-do-do-doodle do do do-doo do Nuh-nuh-nuh nuh-nuh mah nuh-nuh Uh-nuh-nuh-nuh mah-nuh-nuh Nuh-nuh-nuh na nuh-ne-nuh nah nah Mahna mahna Do doo be-do-do Mahna mahna Do do-do do Mahna mahna Do doo be-do-do Be-do-do, be-do-do be-do-do-doodle do do do-doo do Mah-nuh-nuh na nuh-nuh Mah-nuh-nuh na nuh-nuh Mah-nah-nah-nah Mahna mahna Do doo be-do-do Mahna mahna Do do-do do Mahna mahna Do doo be-do-do Be-do-do, be-do-do be-do-do-doodle do do do-doo do Mahna mahna Do doo be-do-do Mahna mahna Do do-do do Mahna mahna Do doo be-do-do Be-do-do, be-do-do be-do-do-doodle do do Hello? OK, Just a second, It's for you, Mahna mahna The question is, what is a "Mahna Mahna"? The question is, who cares? Think about this, friends, Hey, Boss, Muppy and I wanted to talk to you about the act we're doing on the show tonight, Uh, Scooter, you're not doing an act on the show tonight, Oh, gee, my uncle who owns this theater thought of this act, didn't he? Tell us about the act you're doing on the show tonight, Oh, it's called "Simon Smith and his Amazing Dancing Dog," Yeah, I sing this song, see, and Muppy here does this cute, adorable, sweet, sugary little dance, Well, it sounds, says the frog, displaying his artistic judgment, sappy, Gee, my uncle thought it was - Uh It sounds, says the frog, displaying his will to survive, wonderfuI, Yeah, it's great, He'll love it, - Certainly, I've often thought of Muppy here as about the cutest little fellow around, He thinks of himself as a killer, Let me outta here! That dumb dog, Whoa, I'm onstage, Wow, Now that I'm here, let me take this opportunity to present The Muppet Show's resident artist Gonzo the Great! Thank you, Thank you very much, Thank you, Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, I will eat this rubber tire to the music of "The Flight of the Bumblebee," Music, Maestro, He's doing it, He's eating a tire, - Amazing! Astounding! - Boring! Looks like it's another wipeout for Gonzo, Ah, yokels! What do they know about art? Hey, Kermit, Muppy wants you to know he's very sorry he bit you, Oh, yeah, - He wants you to know he's very gratefuI you're letting him do the "Simon Smith" number, Oh, well, that's nice, He wants you to know he wants his own dressing room and star billing, What? Who is this crazy dog? He's my uncle's favorite pet, Yeuch! Hello there, Miss Prowse, Hey, listen, is everything OK? Any complaints? - No, none whatsoever, Except that I've never had to share my dressing room before with a man who eats a tire, I told Gonzo to dress in the alley, Hey, listen, I gotta go introduce you, You look beautifuI, BeautifuI! He's sweet, For a frog, Ladies and gentlemen, the lovely Miss Juliet Prowse, She just vanished, How did she do that? Probably like this, Yup, That's probably how she did it, You're such a smooth dancer, Ever since we've started I've feeI like my feet have never touched the floor, They haven't, You've been standing on mine, Oops, Do you prefer Shakespeare to Bacon? I prefer anything to bacon, You mind if I smoke? - If you insist, Thanks, Smoke's not bothering you, is it? - Manager! At this time I would like to present my rendition of one of the great songs of our time, That ever-popular classic, "You and I and George," "But why," you ask, as well you should, "have I never heard this great song of our times?" Fact is, nobody has ever heard of this ever-popular classic, In its only recording, "You and I and George" sold two copies, I bought one and George bought one, Where were you? My own mother turns down her hearing aid when I sing this song, You and I and George Went strolling through the park one day And then You held my hand As if to say I love you Then We passed a brook And George fell in and drowned himself And floated out to sea Leaving you Alone With me You know, that number you did was just beautifuI, Juliet, Well, thank you, Kermit, You know, I'm really happy to be here with you and all the Muppets, You know something? I've never talked to a frog before, Well, we're just like anyone else, A little more jumpy maybe, But, you know, we have our hopes and our dreams, Oh, yeah? Well, what are some of your dreams? Well You may just think I'm gilding the lily pad here, but, as a tadpole, I always wanted to be a dancer, Oh, - But you know what they say: the first thing to go on a frog are his legs, You know, that's what they say, That's funny, I never knew that frogs had a sense of humor, Oh, well, we have to, Listen, you meet a frog without a sense of humor and you're looking at a green lump, Let's just face it, Julie, Your average frog doesn't have a lot going for him in the looks department, Oh, I don't know, I think you're quite attractive, Really? - Mm-hm, You're not just saying that because you're a guest? Well, certainly not, In fact, I'd go as far as to say that you are the Robert Redford of frogs, Oh, Wow, Hey, listen, everybody, D'you hear that? Juliet Prowse thinks I'm the Robert Redford of frogs, Hey, you're gonna be coming back on this show a lot, Hey, listen, Have you ever kissed Robert Redford? No, I haven't, - Well, how about kissing the next best thing? You mean to tell me that PauI Newman is here? I mean me, the Robert Redford of frogdom, Ah, My pleasure, Whoo! More! More! Less! Less! OK, Stand by for the Western sketch, - Hey, Kermit, Kermit, Does this sound like John Wayne? Will you get onstage, Fozzie? Hey, Kermit, - Huh? Yeah, now that Muppy is doing the big "Simon Smith" number, well, he only has one other suggestion, Listen, I already gave him his own dressing room, what more does he want? Well, it's about the title of the show, Look, The Muppy Show? Ladies and gentlemen, it's cowboy time, I'd been playing saloon piano in Snake City for three years, It was the roughest town in the West, I mean, we had some mean customers, Howdy, Rowlf, - Uh Hello, Miss Kitty, I mean, they were tough, After three years I thought I'd seen it all, I'd seen the Clanton brothers, the Younger brothers, the James brothers, Not to mention the Osmond brothers, But when Kid Fozzie came to town, I knew I hadn't seen nothing, All right, everybody, Reach for the floor, Beg pardon? - Reach for the floor, This is a stickdown, You're confused, Kid, You ain't got no guns, Those are pickles, That's right, folks, There he is, the fastest gherkin in the West, He's got a license to carry them pickles? Hey, when you get shot by a pickle at close range, do you get garlic burns? All right, you asked for it, Sorry, Kid, I didn't know the pickles were loaded, Here's your money, All right, Kid, don't make a move, I got you covered, Throw down your pickles, OK, I don't need guns to fight you, I'll get you with my knife, - Will you stop with the vegetables? Boy, you shouldn't have done that, I'm a desperate bear, ready for desperate measures, Oh, no! It's an apple! - And don't tell me Yes, The fuse is lit, The fuse is lit? And that's how it was the day Kid Fozzie came into town, That's one of the reasons I always thought the Muppets were weird, Why's that? - They think explosions are funny, Yes, - Explosions aren't funny, Although some of them are really quite droll, Juliet, what has one eye, sharp teeth and is long and fuzzy? I don't know, - I don't know either, but you're wearing it, Hiya, toots, Muppy, Scooter, you're on next, It's no use, Kermit, - What? Muppy says if you won't change the title of the show, he's not going on, He's locked himself in his dressing room and he's not coming out, Yeah, but the "Simon Smith" number's on next, I know, I know, What are we gonna do? - Kermit? Kermit? Kermit? How come I'm not doing an act this week? Hm? Uh Congratulations, Fozzie, you're doing an act this week, Sometimes I can be very persuasive, Ladies and gentlemen, "Simon Smith and his Amazing Dancing Bear," I may go out tomorrow If I can borrow a coat to wear Oh, I'd step out in style With my sincere smile and my dancing bear Outrageous, alarming Courageous, charming Oh, who would think a boy and bear Could be well-accepted everywhere? It's just amazing how fair people can be Seen at the nicest places Where well-fed faces all stop to stare Making the grandest entrances Simon Smith and his dancing bear They'll love us Won't they? They feed us Don't they? Oh, who would think a boy and bear Could be well-accepted everywhere? It's just amazing how fair people can be Oh, who needs money When we're funny? The great attraction everywhere Will be Simon Smith and his dancing bear It's Simon Smith and his amazing dancing bear Together! Yes! Oh, yes! Say, Waldorf, I was wondering if maybe you Darn, I'd better get some new batteries for my hearing aid, I fooI him every time! OK, Muppet Glee Club, Muppet Glee Club onstage, please, Muppet Glee Club, OK, All right, Everybody in position, please, OK, Everybody ready? The Muppet Glee Club, One and two and Uh, uh Wait, wait, wait, Something is amiss here, I thought it was lovely, - You wave that stick wonderfully, When it comes to stick waving, Kermit wrote the book, Well, thank you, thank you, I do appreciate that kind comment, but I would like to point out to all assembled here that this is a glee club, Oh, yes, that is what our letterhead says, Yeah, So when I wave this stick so wonderfully, I would like to hear something, Oh! We were remiss in that regard, OK, Here we go, One more time, The Muppet Glee Club, One and two and Wait, wait, wait, Hold, hold, hold Hold it, Hold it, Hold it, Hold it, Hold it, Stop, How shall I say this? Excuse me, friends, but to my ears at least, it would help a lot if you were all singing the same song! - Oh, I love it! So wild! - The frog is a genius, AwfuI cute too, It really doesn't matter what song you sing, as long as we all agree to the song that we're going to sing, OK, - OK? Now, does anybody here have a favorite song? Yes! W-what song is that? - "Temptation"! Since there seems to be some consensus of opinion here, the Muppet Glee Club will now render "Temptation," Piggy, honey? - Hm? You can take the solo, - Yes, my love, OK, Here we go, - I love him, The Muppet Glee Club, "Temptation," One and two and Dum da-da da, dum da-da da dum da-da da, dum dum Dum da-da da, dum da-da da dum da-da da, dum dum dum You came Da-da da dum da-da da dum I was alone Da-da da dum da-da da dum I should have known Da-da da dum da-da da dum You were temptation Dum dum dum da-da da dum You smiled Da-da da dum da-da da dum Luring me on Da-da da dum da-da da dum My heart was gone Da-da da dum da-da da dum You were temptation Dum dum dum da-da da dum It would be thrilling If you were willing If it can never be Pity me For you were Da-da da dum da-da da dum Born to be kissed Da-da da dum da-da da dum I can't resist Da-da da dum da-da da dum You are temptation Da-da da dum da-da da dum And I am yours Da-da da dum da-da da dum Here is my heart Da-da da dum da-da da dum Take it and say Da-da da dum da-da da dum We'll never part Da-da da dum da-da da dum I'm just a slave Da-da da dum da-da da dum Only a slave Da-da da dum da-da da dum To you Da-da da dum da-da da dum Temptation Hey, Juliet, I want to tell you what a pleasure it was to have you with us on the show, Oh, Kermit, I really enjoyed it, And as a little token of our appreciation, we have a Muppet likeness of you right here, Oh, how sweet, - I know you'd rather have the cash, but No, no, no, Kermit, This is just wonderfuI, Can I come home with you? - Well, of course you can, She's not as pretty as you, you know, but Oh, Kermit, thank you, Ooh, Thank you, And thank you all for joining us, We'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show.
Well, what did you think? - Beats sitting home watching television, Mahna mahna