The Neighbors s01e01 Episode Script

Yeah.
So, yeah, every unit is available.
Uh, community center, and the, uh, developer's throwing in golf carts with every-- We are familiar with the details of the hidden hills townhouse development, located in the land of New Jersey.
Yeah? And how'd you guys hear about us? We intercepted a transmission of what your people commonly refer to as a vocal commerce shell.
Local commercial.
Local commercial.
Ah.
You mind if I ask what this-- No! Do not touch the Pupar! We'll take it.
Take what? All of them.
All of the units.
Do you fake rash? Take cash.
Do you take cash? Yes, we do.
Zabvronians, celebrate.
Whoo.
Thank you.
Everybody, pick a home.
What now, husband? Now we just have to wait for contact from home.
You remembered to bring the charger, yes? Oh, crap.
Battery low.
Battery low.
Please recharge battery.
I'm sure they'll call at any minute.
We must recharge the Pupar and contact home! Husband, p-perhaps we should-- I's not that simple.
You see? He will not recharge it.
The two of us are leaving.
We have sold our unit.
Got above asking price, if you're curious.
Congratulations.
We are leaving, and in our original form.
Perhaps you remember what that looks like.
That is forbidden.
Cleanup mode.
Get wet paper towels, some vinegar.
Faster.
No.
No.
Blot, don't scrub.
Blot.
Blot.
Father, if they sold their unit, that means the humans will move in.
What will we do? Let us see who it is who comes, my son.
Only then might we have reason to worry.
I cannot believe we have to move.
This totally blows! All right, Amber, enough.
Shut up! Mom, Max told me to shut up! Max, don't say "Shut up.
" Guys, come on.
Give your mother a break.
Tell him to shut up! You, shut up! Oh, nice.
Okay, I'm the bad guy, right? Well, you're all gonna be thanking me once we get there.
This place has a golf course.
God, please, you gotta help me out here, okay? Make this move go smooth.
I don't want any holes in my roof, no termites.
Oh! Please, make the neighbors normal.
Morning.
Morning.
This place is pretty amazing, huh? Huh? Uh-huh.
You said you wanted me to take initiative.
That is true.
I did say that.
You said-- and I'm quoting you-- you said, "Marty, it would be nice if every once in a while you took some initiative and surprised me.
" Right again.
I said that, too.
Oh, here you go! I meant flowers, Marty.
I meant a new crock-pot.
I did not mean for you to put a down payment on a townhouse and move the entire family without consulting me.
Why? Is there something wrong with our crock-pot? No, look, look, hon, hon, this place-- it's got a golf course.
I can take up golf.
Honey, this is the first available unit in ten years, and we got it! Yay.
Mom, dad, there's people in the driveway.
Come on! Hello.
Hello.
Hi.
I'm Marty Weaver.
I'm Larry bird, leader of this community and immediate neighbor to your west.
We bring you pie, as is your custom as a gift of welcome.
Oh, thank you.
I will now familiarize you with my family, and we will take our leave.
Wife.
Wife! Step forward.
My wife, Jackie Joyner-Kersee.
Hi, Jackie Joyner-Kersee.
I'm Debbie Weaver.
Hello, Debbie Weaver.
What brings you all the way to New Jersey from england? Oh, please disregard the accent.
We chose them simply because they made your guttural dialect sound sophisticated.
Is that your little boy? Our youngest.
Dick Butkus.
Max, maybe you two could be friends.
Grant me the honor, and I will remain loyal to you always.
Do you have a Playstation? No.
Not interested.
Wait! I can build a Playstation! Wait for me! My gratitude.
It has been difficult for Dick to make friends.
That's why we are the only family in the development to have bred.
Dad! You said my bedroom would have a walk-in closet! Speaking of breeding, this is our eldest Amber.
There is no walk-in closet! Amber, Amber, say hello.
You are a liar.
Those were lies.
She scares the hell out of us.
We, too, bear the burden of an unhappy teenager.
Our eldest Reggie Jackson.
Reggie Jackson.
That's That's fun.
That's another fun name.
That's a good name.
Tomorrow, you will dine with us-- a display of neighborly hospitality.
But now we take our leave.
Community, disperse! Marty I swear to God, if you did some kind of "candid camera" thing Yeah, I didn't.
I didn't.
That is So we're just living amidst a cult of Golf cart-driving pie makers with the names of professional athletes.
Oh, my God, Marty.
What are we gonna do? We'll make it work.
I will buy a golf cart.
You will change your name to Martina Navratilova.
It's all good.
Don't worry about it.
I'm sure there's an explanation for this.
We should have dinner with them tomorrow night Mnh.
And we'll see what's up.
Dinner better not be weird.
No, no.
What could be weird? I don't want to set the world on fire I just want to start Jackie, it feels a bit strange that only our family's eating, and your family's Reading.
We receive nourishment through our eyes and minds rather than through our mouths.
I heard about this.
I think it's European.
It is customary as leader of the host family to end the meal with a final toast.
Oh.
Oh.
Family.
We toast.
Hear our call! Whoop whoop! Whoo Enough! Definitely European.
It is not European.
Okay.
So you're home full-time with the kids, huh? That was me until the economy collapsed and then I had to go Back to work.
You mean You have an occupation? Well, I was home and I started sketching and I created a line of handbags.
Just got a couple of shelves at a local chain, actually.
Whoops.
And your husband allows you to occupy yourself with such things? Okay, Jackie Joyner-Kersee.
What is your story, huh? Are you guys Amish or something? Like Amish athletes? Because if Marty talked to me the way that Larry talks to you, it would not be pretty.
Mm.
I will admit that there are times when I wish he would treat me with more respect, as more of a partner.
I can imagine.
It's as though he thinks that he can make every decision for this family simply because he ruined his body carrying our two children.
Where in Europe are you guys from exactly? Goodness.
Goodness.
So basically I'm in strollers and diapers.
You know, you go into a toy store, and anything that's not a toy, I decide which shelf it goes on.
How about you, Larry? What do you do? I do nothing.
We are independently wealthy and spend all our time within the confines of the community.
Right.
Are you a big, uh, bears fan? I noticed you named your son Dick Butkus.
We believe there is no greater tribute to this planet than to name ourselves in honor of its finest physical specimens.
Wow.
I could never get Debbie to go for that.
We would've named Max "Mookie Wilson.
" My wife does what I tell her.
Welcome to my restroom.
I start school tomorrow.
I need to know the deal.
Who's running the show over there? Oh, I do not attend school.
We are taught at home by our mother.
Who's this guy? Reggie Jackson.
And your name is? Reggie Jackson.
Look what I can do! Look what I can do! That's wonderful.
My sister is such a dork.
She seems to admire you greatly.
She's a dork, dude.
Oh.
Okay.
Abby, stop it.
Come on.
You're a kid.
You must know a trick or something.
Well I do have one trick, but you mustn't tell anyone.
Cross our hearts and hope to die.
Show us, Butkus.
Oh, dear.
I fear our little Dick may have exposed himself again.
Guys, I-I promise you he's not an alien.
He's just a little strange, that's all.
Dad, I go to public school.
I know strange.
Dick Butkus is an alien! Yeah! Now what? Don't you have homework? Oh, hey, Lar--whoa! You brought the, uh, whole neighborhood, huh? Crazy.
So your children had a scare.
You know kids and their-- their imaginations.
They seem convinced that Dick is an alien.
So it's You were bound to find out eventually.
You might want to sit down.
Y-you know what? Y-you're really starting to freak out my kids, okay? And by "my kids," I mean "me.
" So I'm gonna have to-- Zabvronians! Oh! Sweet mother of God! Aah! Aah! Whoa! Surprise.
Our neighbors are green! Okay, look, we just need to rest, okay? Maybe we didn't see what we thought-- Hello.
Stay away from my-- Take him! Take him! An explanation is in order.
We hail from the planet Zabvron.
Hear our call.
A decade ago, we were deployed to investigate if earth would make a nice home should temperatures on our planet continue to rise.
You follow? I'm--I'm thinking of buying a Prius.
You are the first humans to enter our development.
If you wish to reveal our secret, we will not stop you.
No, no, no.
No.
We wouldn't do that.
No, no, no.
We wouldn't do that.
No, no, no.
We trust you.
However, we hope that you will consider trusting us and staying.
That would be so nice.
We believe there's much we could learn from one another.
Thank you for dinner.
- Yeah, thanks so much.
- You're welcome.
Wonderful.
Delicious.
Thanks for stopping by! Bye! I told you guys! Yeah, you did.
Oh, God.
Good morning good morning We've talked the whole night through good morning Good morning to you Good morning, good morning it's great to stay up late good morning, good morning To you I can't believe this is happening.
What are we gonna do? Do we call the police? Shouldn't Obama know about this? You know, I think it's important that we don't overreact here.
Okay? And I think that once we get past the initial shock of things, it's gonna be okay.
Are you kidding me? Honey, they are peace-loving aliens, so there's that.
Oh, so if they were warmonger aliens, we'd be leaving? Yes.
But since they're peace-loving, we're gonna stay.
Sarcastic? Little bit.
Right.
Thought so.
Look, I'm just asking that we be rational here.
Okay? Fantastic.
The one time you make a decision on your own.
All right, you know what? The alien next door knows how to run his house, so here goes.
I am the man of this house, and you're the woman.
And what I say goes, and I say we stay.
You know, unless you don't want to stay.
I'm So we should talk ab-- I'm Honey, I think we should-- I can't even That made you mad.
Okay.
Please recharge Battery.
Husband? Hello, muffin.
I've been thinking.
If the Pupar dies, our planet won't be able to reach us with further instruction.
So as much as it pains me, perhaps we should consider recharging it manually.
No, the cost is too great.
Please, pumpkin, leave the leading to me.
Husband.
Husband.
Lawrence bird! I demand to be heard, Larry Bird.
You have been heard, my wife, and now you have been dismissed.
Jackie Joyner-Kersee kicked me out.
Yeah, you know what, Larry? This really isn't a good time.
Let me tell ya.
I-- no.
No, you know what? You two deserve each other.
I live within 10 yards of the biggest schmucks on two different planets.
Whoa.
This is how we cry.
You should have seen me when I was pregnant.
He keeps throwing "initiative" back at me.
I said it once.
"Fix the screen doors" I have to say 15 times.
But "initiative"? Just once.
What the hell are you doing? I'm making my husband's sleeping pod.
Because what better thing do I have to do than clean up after his mess? Or pick up his wet towels.
Or fertilize his eggs.
Lost me.
Yes, okay, it's weird that you guys are aliens.
I get that, okay? But in my defense, you seem quite harmless.
Mm.
You made me that very cool toothpick sculpture of me, which I thought was very sweet.
And frankly, it's kind of amazing.
The eyes are real.
Jackie J.
, if you wanna recharge the Pupar and your husband says "no," you know what I say you do? Kill him.
Kill Larry bird.
No.
Just recharge it.
Oh, yes.
That would be easier.
Good news! I figured out how to save their panda bears from extinction.
That's wonderful, my dear.
You're right, Debbie Weaver.
This is something I should have done a long time ago.
Dick? Is it time? Go to the garage and prepare the Pupar.
It is my honor to serve you, mother.
I love you, my son.
Right back at you.
Wow.
I mean, wow.
I can't even get my kids to take out the garbage without a fight.
That kid's amazing.
Yes.
I will miss him very much.
Yeah.
Wait.
What? The youngest born in our community is the only one who can recharge the Pupar.
And for us, that's Dick Butkus.
Dick Butkus.
Marty.
I'm sorry.
When Dick recharges the Pupar, he will be sent far off into the future, where he will be raised by his own grandchildren.
He will have a wonderful, happy life, but we will never get to see Dick Butkus again.
Oh, Marty, grow up.
Jackie, you can't be serious.
You're a mother.
You can't do this.
I must be strong.
It's for the good of our people.
But that certainly doesn't make it any easier.
Hey, dad.
Oh, and, uh, hey, alien dad.
Um, I just saw Dick in the garage.
His mom told him to recharge his poopie or something.
Sounded pretty intense.
We'll Okay.
Meet again What the Don't know where don't know when but I know we'll meet again some sunny day ooh, ooh we'll meet again don't know where don't know when but I know we'll meet again Dick Butkus, no! Oh, thank heavens, my son! Dick! You're stopping this, aren't you? Oh, my son.
Is that a "yes"? Because it's like Oh.
Cool.
Debbie Weaver, give me the Pupar.
I don't want to give you the Pupar.
You're gonna put Dick Butkus in it and send him to the future.
Trust me, mother to mother.
Okay.
Wife? I almost sacrificed our son.
I had to destroy it.
I'm glad you destroyed it.
It might've been a little excessive.
You could have just put it in the hall closet.
It's true.
Oh, I'm so sorry, wife.
They made me leader, but I forgot that I had a partner.
But I assure you, my Supremely beautiful wife, that I will never forget again.
Oh, Larry Bird.
Oh, Jackie Joyner-Kersee.
I feel so deeply for you, my dear.
I am going to romance you all night.
Why don't you start right now? I already did.
I know you did.
Mmm.
Do you like what I'm doing to you? I love what you're doing.
Ooh.
Mmm.
Oh, my God.
Are they doing it? It happened so quick! Ohh.
I can't stop looking.
Oh, my God.
I can't move.
No, you have to.
No, I wanna watch some more.
Come on, Deb.
Tell the kids.
Come on.
Oh, my God.
Who's my daddy? That would be me.
I really don't wanna take initiative.
I know.
I like when you tell me what to do.
I know.
All the time, every decision All right, let's just stop there.
You know, my entire life, my pop was always one big break away from getting us out of Bayonne, and I swore that that would not be me.
I mean, they cut my salary, what, three years in a row now? I'm 45.
I'm never gonna be what I had hoped I was gonna be.
I know that.
Marty So I reached, you know, for a townhouse on a golf course.
I reached, and I figured that this way, at least when Amber left for college, she'd be leaving a home with marble countertops.
For the record, my supremely beautiful husband You are much, much more than I ever hoped you would be, and I had very high hopes.
The house is amazing.
I will give you that.
The walk-in closets alone And--and the golf cart? Look, the golf cart's never gonna be a selling point for me.
Okay.
We're so pleased Oh! Thank you! To hear you're considering staying.
These things aren't just for crying.
Whoa.
Okay.
The Weavers are staying.
Zabvronians, rejoice! Yay.
It's gonna take me a while to get used to that.
Yep.
What a wonderful world this would be - How do you guys show up so quickly like that? - Yeah? So was I right about last night or what? You were.
Yeah.
Even after we made amends with one another, she insisted on carrying the argument over later to the evening.
They like to do that.
But sometimes you gotta have a good long fight, clear the air.
I agree.
It was a good fight.
And in the end I emerged a victor.
Well good for you, bud.
It's not often we win at one of those.
Cheers.
Cheers.
Yes, you won't be hearing from her any time soon.
What did you do to Jackie Joyner-Kersee?