The New Adventures of Old Christine s01e01 Episode Script

Hi, it's me.
Message to myself.
A few things.
Uh, put extra money in Ritchie's lunch for a snack buy milk, buy wine, find weird smell in living room.
Botox, maybe, I don't know.
Stop taking Nyquil, I think it's keeping you up.
Okay.
Yeah, that's it.
Thank you very much.
You know what? No, no Botox, that's gross.
Who are you? Learn to love yourself, for God's sakes.
Okay, yeah, that's it.
Um, have a good night, ha.
Sent today at 2:57 a.
m.
Yeah, hi.
Uh, fix sprinklers, put pictures in photo album, stop eating sugar.
It's no replacement for love.
Heh.
Buy more Nyquil.
That's it.
Thank you very much.
Why do you always thank yourself? Because sometimes there are whole days when I'm the only one who's polite to me.
Oh, sad.
Yeah, it is.
So it's an exciting day.
Exciting new school.
- Are you excited? - No.
Oh, don't say no.
You are excited.
It's very exciting.
Three hundred kids applied to your school.
Only two got in, and you're one of them.
- Why? - Why? Honey, because you're smart, and you're friendly and if anyone asks, you're one-sixteenth Native American.
I don't wanna go to a private school.
I wanna stay in school with Julian.
Oh, come on, pal, this is a great opportunity.
Going to a school we can't afford, with people we've never met? It'Il It's better.
- I don't wanna be better than Julian.
- Well, that's not what I'm saying.
I'm saying that the school is better.
Not you.
And I don't wanna catch you turning into a snob, either.
All right? You're not better than anyone.
What about murderers? - What? - Am I better than murderers? Well, yeah, honey, of course, you're better than murderers.
But nobody else.
- What about racists? - All right.
You're better than racists, and you're better than murderers but that's it.
I heard racist.
You talking about Grandpa? No, Uncle Matthew, we're talking about Ritchie's new school and how much fun it's gonna be, because they've got a brand-new gym and they have a music program, and they have a science lab.
And a giant wall to keep out the poor people.
And a snack bar.
Okay, go upstairs, put your uniform on, okay, sweetie? Daddy's gonna meet us at school.
Then he's coming over for pizza.
Maybe we'll watch a movie.
- Cool.
- Hmm.
- You and Richard have a weird divorce.
- It's not weird, it's great.
My divorce is better than most people's marriages.
We get along, we spend time together as a family.
Nothing's really changed.
- Then why didn't you just stay married? - Because, Matthew, it's complicated.
My marriage was like a game of hide-and-seek where both of us hid, and nobody seeked.
Sought.
Slept together.
Nothing's really changed.
Why is everyone's car so much bigger than ours? Because they don't believe in themselves.
Do we believe in ourselves? Look at our car.
Okay.
Well, this is nice.
Nice desks.
Lookit, nice artwork.
- Where are the black kids? - Shh! Don't.
Don't say that.
There was one in the brochure.
I'm sure he's around here somewhere.
Hello.
Hi.
- I don't know you.
Oh.
We're new.
Hi, I'm Christine Campbell.
Hi, Marly Ehrhardt.
Ashley third, Nicky first.
Mm-hm.
Lindsay.
Kelsey third, Sammy fourth, Jackson pre-K.
I, uh I don't know what you're saying to me.
I'm Marly, I'm the room parent for this class.
So I will be, you know collecting for holiday parties - Right.
hitting you up for volunteer assignments you know, basically being your general pain in the B-U-T-T.
I'll say.
And, um And I'm Lindsay.
I was room parent last year, but my Sammy got ranked in junior tennis so I'm short on time this year.
Oh, good for you.
You got "ranked in tennis" in the first sentence.
Well, he is.
He's ranked.
I can't help it.
- Anyway, welcome to Westbridge.
- Thank you.
We would say the best way to get involved would be by volunteering and, you know, spending as much time at the school as possible but, um, we hear that you work.
I, uh Yes.
- Oh.
- What do you do? Um, ahem, uh, I own a gym.
Um, it's, um, one in a chain of women-only Who would want a 30-minute workout? What would I do with the rest of my day? Oh, there's Richard's dad, so I'm gonna get out of here.
Ha, ha.
Okay.
Hey, Little.
- How's my third-grader? - I look like a dork in this uniform.
- Yeah, you kind of do.
No, no, no.
Richard, don't say that.
That doesn't help me.
Sorry.
Cool pants.
What are those, rayon? - Hi.
- Hi.
Hey.
- Why are you so dressed up? - Why are you wearing that sweatshirt? It's my day off.
Plus, I wanted everyone to know I went to Lake Tahoe.
Oh, no.
Presents? They were supposed to bring presents? Uh, we didn't bring a present.
- I'm sure it doesn't matter.
- Well, of course, it matters, Richard.
He's new.
I work.
We're divorced.
They're already looking at us like we're the project family the church sent over.
All right, you know what? Stay here.
I'm gonna fix this.
- What are you gonna do? - I don't know, probably lie.
Don't ever lie.
- Um, hi.
You must be Mrs.
Belt? - Yes.
Hi.
Ha.
I'm Christine Campbell, I'm Richard Campbell's mom.
- Oh, yes.
Yeah.
Um, I have to apologize, because your gift has been delayed.
- Delayed? - Well, yes.
Um, it's just that it was, um, so big that it had to be shipped.
And you should've heard me scream at these people, because I - You know, uh, Mrs.
Campbell.
- Yes? Parents lavish me with all sorts of presents, and one thing always seems to be true.
The nicer the present, the meaner the child.
God bless you, Mrs.
Belt.
- Okay.
- Excuse me.
- Okay.
- All right, parents.
I need to say goodbye to your students now.
It's time to start the third grade.
Oh, my God.
God, I am so proud of you already.
I really am.
- Okay.
Bye, Mom.
Come on.
- Bye-bye.
Have fun.
I love you.
You know what? I'm gonna give you one more little kiss.
Okay, okay, okay.
Okay.
- Bye.
I love you.
Bye.
- Have fun.
See you.
Have fun.
I love you, I love you.
Oh, my God.
- You wanna have breakfast? - I already ate.
- Oh.
- Stopped at Denny's.
Had the Moons Over My Hammy.
And, uh, I've got errands, so, uh, I'll call you later.
- Okay.
All right.
Mwah.
- Okay.
Bye.
- Bye.
See you.
Oh - Your ex seems sweet.
Yeah.
How long has it been since he divorced you? Uh, going on two years, but it was mutual.
Uh-huh.
No, no, no.
I mean, it's great actually.
We get along, we spend time together as a family, you know.
It's better than most people's marriages.
Nothing's really changed.
And where does his girlfriend fit into that? - Excuse me? - We just met her out in the parking lot.
He had the poor thing waiting in the car.
Oh, no.
You did know he was seeing someone, didn't you? Oh, yes.
Yes.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Of course, yes.
I knew that.
Yes.
That is something that I certainly did know of, that.
Mm-hm.
Good, good.
So is it hard that she's so young? - And she has to be adorable, right? - Adorable.
Well, what good is young without adorable? Yeah.
I would think the weirdest part would be that her name is Christine.
Say what? Yeah, I mean, it's kind of like she's the New Christine.
Which, I guess, would make you the, uh, Old Christine.
Oh, yeah.
Old Christine? Old Christine.
- Ugh, I would die.
- Me too.
Hey! - What the hell are you doing? - What am I doing? What are you doing? Oh, oh, yeah.
Oh, man.
Well, I guess you're meeting.
Um, Christine, this is Christine.
Hi, Christine.
I know.
Same name.
You can call me Chrissy, so it doesn't get confusing.
Yeah, thanks.
I probably won't get confused about my own name.
I'm sorry you had to meet like this.
Oh, you mean here in front of our son's school where I'm trying to make a good impression and not get kicked out in the first week because my ex is whoring around in the parking lot in his Chevy? Oh, no, no, don't be silly.
This is an absolutely ideal way to meet.
I'm also really sorry about this.
I've heard so much about you.
I mean, Richard just goes on and on about what a great mom you are.
I don't care.
Richard, it would be so nice if once you would put our son's needs ahead of your own.
- Oh, like you? - Excuse me? What in the living hell is that supposed to mean? This school is more for the well-being of your ego than for Little Richard's future.
What? What? This school is more for the well-being of your ego I heard you, Richard.
Look, I needed to move on.
I think it's time for you to move on too.
For your information, Richard, I have moved on.
I have had a boyfriend now forever.
Joe.
- What's he do? - He's a He's a lumberjack, by trade.
Ahem, and he has brown hair.
And he's rich.
Hmm.
He sounds great.
I have to go.
Now.
- It was nice to meet you.
- I don't care.
Damn it.
Am I getting fired? Not if you answer this question correctly.
Do you think that I put Richard in Westbridge School for him or for me? For you.
No, no, for him.
Uh, for you? Oh, I don't know.
This job is so hard.
You hand out towels.
Oh, damn, the towels.
Don't stop, you've only got 30 minutes.
Can I talk to you for a minute? What? What do you want? Look, she had to wait in the car because we had a date.
Then you called, and I wanted to come to Little's first day of school.
- Yes, of course, but - Can I finish? - But I just wanna - Can I finish? And it was too late to cancel plans with New Young My - There's no good version.
- No.
I didn't want you to find out about her like that.
And the thing I said about Little's school and your ego, that wasn't fair.
I know you're doing what you think is best for him.
I just You sort of accused me of being a bad dad.
Well, ha, because you were making out in the parking lot! She started it.
- Christine thinks you're nice.
- Nice? God.
- I did everything but bite her.
- Well, she's nice.
Maybe she got confused.
- Are you okay? - Me? Oh, yeah.
Are you kidding me? I'm fine.
You know, I got my own guy, so The lumberjack.
Yeah.
Man, is he into me.
I'll tell you, when a lumberjack loves you, he loves you.
- What? - What? Yeah, okay, there's no lumberjack.
Really? Man, it's so hard to tell when you're lying.
I haven't even considered dating yet.
I'm still wearing my maternity underwear.
- You're kidding.
- They're very comfortable.
What are you waiting for, Christine? Oh, wait.
What? It's me.
I'm still in there, aren't I? Oh, my God.
Did you? Did you just say that? Oh, no, no, no.
I mean, I'm sorry.
But, no offense.
But, honey, no.
Seriously, I mean, the best thing that I can say about being married to you is that you are a fantastic ex-husband.
Baby, you gotta let me go.
And, God, dating is such a horrifying thought.
You know? I mean, the small talk and the nudity.
I have to stand on my head to make my boobs look good.
And why do you have to fool around with somebody so young? That doesn't help me.
Kind of helps me.
Sorry, sorry.
Sorry.
But, Christine, I'm not fooling around.
I'm serious about her.
Oh, you're serious? Well, that's That's good.
Because I'm serious with my boyfriend too.
We just established you didn't have a boyfriend.
Yeah, I'm back on him.
Just for the record, your boobs are fantastic upright.
You wish.
- I don't even know what that means.
- No.
Richard, help her find the door, for God's sakes.
You know, I'm trying really hard to be cool, but it's hot in that car.
I don't get what your relationship is because you spend a lot of time together for divorced people.
My parents were divorced and the only way they communicated was by putting notes in my lunch box.
So is there something going on between you? Oh, no.
No, there's nothing going on here.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
Uh, listen, ahem, I have to apologize for my behavior this morning.
I was very rude.
Oh, really? I thought you were nice.
Okay, I, uh Well, I'm gonna go I'll wait in the car.
Are we done here? Looks like.
So I'll see you at the soccer game? - I'll save you a seat.
- Yep.
What are those? - Underwear.
For how many people? - Are you okay? - Why? Well, when I see someone throwing out their underwear it's either a cry for help or a desperate valentine for the garbage man.
Is anyone gonna wanna go out with me? Are you kidding? You got nothing to worry about.
- Oh, thanks, Matthew.
- No, no.
Come on, we'll scare up someone for you.
Hey, you know my friend Ugly Larry? Is that that weird guy who used to follow me around in high school? Yeah, he can call me.
Ritchie, you don't have to go to this school if you hate it.
I mean, I know you miss Julian, and black people.
And even though I thought I was pushing this whole private-school thing for you I might've actually been sort of over-investing in your life so that I wouldn't have to start my own, which is completely wrong.
It's not what a mom is supposed to do.
So if you really do hate it, honey, Ritchie? Ritchie, do you have any idea what I'm talking about? - PMS? - No, not PMS.
I should never have told you about PMS because now you think that's the reason for everything, it's not.
Well, it's the reason for a lot of things, but not everything.
Honey, I'm trying to tell you something.
I'm trying to tell you that I'm sorry, okay? And, um, you know, I'm just doing the best I can here.
Okay.
Okay.
I get to learn an instrument.
I'm picking the saxophone.
Riley picked the trumpet, so we might be a band.
Riley? Who's Riley? My friend.
My other friends are Cole and Jack.
- Friends? You have friends? - Yeah.
Yeah.
So, what else? - Well, I thought I would be behind in math.
- Right.
But they haven't even done their sevens yet.
- What? - Mrs.
Belt let me write them on the board.
She's nice.
- She is? - Yeah.
- So, honey, was it okay? - I like it.