The Oblongs (2011) s01e01 Episode Script

Another glorious day to be alive.
Rise and shine, Pickles, my love.
-You a cop? -No.
-Am l in detox? -No.
Then it's all gravy.
God, she's cute.
-You do it.
-No, you do it.
-You.
-You.
What in tarnation's going on in here? -lt's Chip's turn to wash the middle cheek.
-l washed it yesterday.
-Did not.
-Did so.
Boys, personal hygiene isn't a chore.
lt's a privilege.
lt's what separates our great nation from dirty, smelly places like France and the public library.
Thank your lucky stars you have soap and running water and an extra buttock to scrub.
-Gee, Pop, l never thought of it that way.
-Hey, back off.
l get to scrub it.
-The hell you do.
-Yes, l do.
-No way.
-Come on.
-No.
-You're always scrubbing.
Morning, sugar.
Want some OJ? -That's Mommy's juice.
-Hey, squirt.
That Nordic Track was the best investment l ever made.
Oh, you are one toned hunk of man meat.
That darned cat.
-Where's Milo? -Milo said he's not going to school.
Beth, honey, nobody likes a tattletale.
l do.
They're an essential part of any family.
You keep right on tattling, sweetie pie.
Daddy has a magazine with naked ladies hugging.
Oh, criminy.
Milo, what the heck? Hi, Dad.
Just thought l'd get some sawing in before breakfast.
Son, you know you're forbidden to handle anything sharper than a boiled egg.
-Now, come on.
You'll miss the bus.
-Good.
l hate that stupid little bus.
Why do l have to go to a school for psychos? Whoa, Nellie.
lt's not a school for psychos.
lt's a school for the pathologically high-spirited.
Now pack up your books and your muzzle, and let's go.
l can't wait to get to school and resume learning.
l can't wait till you drown in your own saliva.
Drowning is my third favorite way to die, but they are all good.
Hey, l found my mom's car keys in my butt flaps.
l wish l was normal like you guys, then l could go to normal school.
Milo, news flash.
All schools suck.
Yours is no worse than anyplace else.
Hey, Milo, you ready to do some book learning? God hates me.
Okay, children, coloring time is almost over.
-How are we doing, Milo? -l have to poo.
Not until potty time.
You may control my mind, but you'll never control my ass.
Looks like somebody needs a night-night nugget.
-ls it Friday yet? -Nope.
Thank God it's Monday.
ls it me, or does the poison taste different today? Oblong! What the hell's with all these medical claims you've filed? -Well-- -Four hundred dollars for liver x-rays? -Pickles drank some homemade vermouth-- -A complete lower Gl series? -Biff and Chip's colon is working for two.
-Three trips to the podiatrist? l had to get an insole made for my underwear.
To prevent fanny corns.
Maybe you valley people wouldn't have so many health problems if you didn't live where the air is contaminated and the land befouled.
Well, sir, we can't really afford to live in the hills like you.
Well, the gravy train is over, my friend.
File one more medical claim, and you're off the company plan.
-What? -And you're getting saliva in the rat powder.
Use the suction.
Everyone, l have an important family matter to discuss.
-Crap.
ls this another intervention? -No, sugar.
l was informed at work that if we file any more claims, we'll lose our health coverage.
-We have to be very careful from now on.
-Well, l'm not quitting wrestling.
Great.
Last year l got a ruptured disk, and l'm not even on the team.
-You calling me a homo? -What? -You are.
l heard it from that mouth.
-No, l'm not.
Boys, this is serious.
Without insurance, we can't pay our doctor bills, not to mention Milo's school.
l know.
l'll switch to regular school.
l'm cured of all my problems.
You really think so? What about your attention deficit disorder? Milo? l was so close to going to regular school.
Like me, your only crime is enthusiasm.
-You just ate a squirrel.
-Did not.
-Hey, l wanna go to normal school.
-Hypothesis: Suppose you get sick.
Outcome: Your dad will file a medical claim.
Result: They'll cancel his insurance.
Unintended consequence: You go to school with us.
l don't know how to get sick, but l could get injured.
How much does it cost to reattach a limb? Doesn't seem like the kind of thing your dad would splurge on.
Yeah.
Besides, l don't think l could really injure myself.
Hello.
What am l, invisible? l'll arrange an accident, and you'll never see it coming.
-Your armpit is really wet.
-Oh, yeah, this is gonna be sweet.
l quit.
lnjure your own damn self.
Please, Helga.
no one else in my family's gonna get hurt.
-Oh, God.
Tree.
-Tree.
Your mother does beautiful work.
Dr.
Morris, dial 1 1 8, please.
Dr.
Morris-- -Doctor, how are my boys? -l'm not gonna sugarcoat it.
They're a mess.
l can't tell where one starts and the other ends.
You do know they're conjoined twins.
Oh, then it's not as bad as l thought, but it's still pretty bad, at least for Chip.
He has a broken, well, pretty much everything.
There goes our insurance.
Milo, l'm afraid you'll have to quit Granville and go to public school.
Yes! Normal school.
Normal school.
l get to go to normal school.
Hey, l'm feeling better already.
l think l'll jog home.
Wow, normal school.
Allow me to explain the social hierarchy here at Hill Valley.
There's the rich, cool kids from the hills, then come the jocks then you've got your dorks, geeks and dweebs those wild dogs on the soccer field, the boy who lactates and then there's us.
Hey, don't lump me in with you losers.
l am accepted by all social groups.
Hi, Debbie.
Hi, Debbie.
Hi, Debbie.
Bye, Debbie.
Bye, Debbie.
Bye, Debbie.
-Who are they? -The Debbies.
They're my close, personal friends.
We're all beautiful and popular.
Who is that angel? That's Yvette.
She's just a stupid Debbie.
Don't even try to talk to her.
Love is a joke with no punch line.
l don't know what's happening to me, Mikey.
When l'm near her, my heart races, my palms sweat and for some reason my underpants get tighter.
l don't fit into underpants.
l wear my grandmother's old bra.
l don't care if she is a Debbie.
l'm gonna talk to her.
Well, if it isn't the new kid, Obdong.
We don't like you valley geeks sniffing around our women.
Stay away from Yvette, or we'll beat you crapless.
Comprende? Everything but "comprende".
lf you don't know what-- Screw it.
Push him down.
So how's our money situation? lf we can get the kids to eat packing peanuts, everything will be okay.
We just have to pray no one gets sick.
-Don't worry.
lt's just a fur ball.
-Thank God.
Nope, sorry, l think it's a lung.
Guess l'll have to find a second job.
Mom, l have a problem.
l think l'm in love.
Oh, sweetie, your first love.
My little boy's growing up.
-Mom, you smell like beer nuts.
-l know.
The problem is the girl l love is from the hills.
Oh, boy.
Well, my advice is to follow your heart.
When l was young, you know, l lived in the hills.
Then l met your father, and we fell in love and moved down here to the valley.
And you know what? All my hair fell out, and l started drinking.
-Please tell me there's more.
-Of course, silly.
l found a great bar right next to a wig store and l get to wake up every morning next to the sweetest man in the world.
l wanna follow my heart, but Yvette's friends won't let me anywhere near her.
You let Mommy handle that.
-Hello, Pristine.
-Pickles.
Fabulous to see you.
Love your hair.
Where did you buy it? Off some whore.
l think it was your mother.
Well, gotta run.
l don't want my daughter and her friends exposed to a drunken hose-bag.
Oh, my gosh.
Did l say that out loud? Oh, my God.
Look, a novelty license plate that says "Debbie.
" lt's showtime.
Hi, Yvette.
Mommy.
Wow, you got a B-plus in math.
l knew you were different.
You wanna sit on the love seat? A little game of doctor? Don't mind if l do.
Hey, isn't that my--? -Hi, pumpkin.
How goes the job hunt? -Lousy.
Poor baby.
-Hey, are you a hooker or just a slut? -Why you-- My husband won't let anyone talk to me that way.
No, indeed.
Somebody needs to teach you some manners.
l recommend Rules of Etiquette by Miss Amy Vanderbilt.
Gee, Bob, why don't we drop him off at the bookstore on the way home? Sorry, honey, but without insurance, l can't afford a severe beating like l used to.
l'm the owner, Anita Bidet.
And you are one aerodynamic little peckerwood.
How would you like a job? You wanna pay me to be a human projectile? -That's right.
-Done and done.
Pickles, this is the answer to our prayers.
We don't like you big people horning in on our action.
Look, buddy, my husband needs this job, and he's not taking any crap from you.
Oh, somebody get me a rope.
l'm gonna climb Mount Skanky.
Now you're in for it.
Bob! Sir, l have some recommended reading for you.
You gotta admit, he does go far.
Unbelievable.
Thanks for a great time, Yvette.
And the nipple ring.
lt's a friendship tag.
ln case you migrate-- l mean, leave town.
Hey, that kid's imitating Fred Astaire.
Get him.
Stupid rednecks and little people.
lf l had medical coverage, l would've mopped the floor with them.
Sure, Bob.
l understand.
Hey, a cigar.
Milo, what happened? The hill kids beat me up because they saw me with Yvette.
But l'd take 1 000 beatings for her, long as they lay off my face.
-That's my meal ticket.
-Kid, you're a true romantic.
An uninsured romantic.
Milo, l'm afraid l can't allow you to see this girl again.
-What? -Next time those bullies could hurt you -and we can't afford-- -l know, the medical bills.
There are more important things than money, Bob.
Like a little boy's heart.
lf you wanna talk to me, l'll be at the Rusty Bucket.
l can't go in there.
You heard those dwarves.
Your son is willing to risk everything for the woman he loves but l guess you're not.
Pickles? Pickles! l gotta let Yvette know how much l love her but l'm not supposed to see her.
Write her a love note.
That always gets to us ladies.
That's a great idea.
l'll even deliver it for you.
l happen to know she's at a tea party with the Debbies.
l'm sure my invitation got lost in the mail.
You live in a fantasy world, don't you, Helga? What was that? l was thinking about my hundreds and hundreds of boyfriends.
l smelt it.
Hi, Mrs.
Klimer.
My name is Debbie.
l'm here to have tea with my friends, the Debbies.
l'm beautiful and popular.
Well, then, come in, come in.
-Hi, Debbie.
-Hi, Debbie.
-Hi, Debbie.
-l love your dress.
Your sweater is, like, the best thing l've ever seen.
-ls that for me? -Excuse me.
l'm talking to my friends.
So you like my hair, l like yours too.
Love your new dresses.
Cute shoes.
Girls, l have teacakes.
She's not a Debbie.
She's one of those horrible valley kids.
George, Jared, come quick.
l warned Obdong to stay away from Yvette.
Let's burn down his stupid clubhouse.
-Jared.
-Yes, Dad? Let me show you how to make a proper torch.
First, you soak some rags in kerosene.
-You really like this Yvette, huh? -Yeah.
She's beautiful, funny.
-She has MC Hammer frozen in a tube.
-Sounds like quite a gal.
But the best thing is the way l feel when l'm with her -like there's finally someplace l fit in.
-Yeah, l never felt like l fit in either.
Until l met your mom.
l wish l was with her right now.
Oh, insurance be damned.
You go get your woman, and l'm gonna go get mine.
And l'll tell you something else.
l'm standing in dog doodie.
Hi.
This is just a hologram.
I'm not home right now.
Please call again.
A hologram, eh? You got pretty hair.
Enjoy.
Hey, hey, hey.
Stop that.
Get away.
Get off me.
Hey, you big ape.
Let go of my sweet angel.
Oh, Bob, my hero.
We warned you not to come back, but you did anyway.
You got guts, kid.
As far as l'm concerned, you're one of us.
As coroner, I'll have no doubt You really knocked that redneck out Hill kids.
They're going to burn us alive.
Technically, we will only be alive for the first half of the burning.
Hey, weirdos, you're all invited to a barbecue.
Yours.
Quick, ladies, to my house.
l've got a professional blow dryer.
Let's go, let's go.
-Yeah.
-Yeah, Mikey.
You saved the clubhouse.
l have a problem.
Yvette to mother ship.
Bald nerd child presumed incinerated.
Research incomplete.
Returning to base.
Negative.
Not cost-effective.
Terminate self.
Oh, crap.
Yvette.
Why did you leave me? lt's so tragic.
She couldn't live without you, so she vaporized herself.
lt must really suck to lose a girlfriend with a flying car.
Yeah.
l think l'll just hang around for a while and poke my first love's remains with a stick.
l'm hungry.
-You okay, sweetie? -l guess.
When you love someone, they'll always be with you in your heart.
-Really? -You betcha.
Hey, when you get through poking at her, we'll put Yvette on the rosebushes.
She'll make one heck of a fertilizer.
BloodLogic [ENGLlSH.]