The Paul Reiser Show (2011) s01e01 Episode Script

Ok, this actually happened.
Woman comes up to me, she says, "Hey, you're that guy, that guy from that show.
" with the girl.
Oh, I used to love that show.
I said "Thank you".
She says, "and you, you look exactly the same, maybe a little fatter.
" This is my life now.
And believe me, I'm not complaining.
I'm happily married to the most wonderful woman.
We've got two delicious kids, friends.
Ah, I say "friends," but at a certain point in life, men don't actually pick their friends, you know? They're either the husbands of my wife's friends, or their kids go to school with my kids, so suddenly we're friends.
Look at these guys Nice guys.
Didn't necessarily want them, but I got them.
Again, not complaining.
I'm very blessed.
Somehow I have managed to get everything in life I've ever dreamed of.
Only problem is I'm not dead yet.
So what do I do next? Uh - Let me ask you a question.
What would you say I do for a living? Uh, from what I can tell, not much.
- Hmm.
- Why? You know that form for the kids' school we got that little box, father's occupation? I don't know what to put in there.
Put down what you used to do.
People seem to enjoy that.
But I don't do it anymore.
Well, what do you think you do? I make pancakes, tell the kids to take a jacket.
- So put that down.
- It's not that big a box.
So that's why you're gonna host a game show Just to have something to put in the form? Who told you that? Your wife Through my wife.
- I'm not doing a game show.
I was offered to host a game show, but I said no.
What, are you kidding me? I don't watch game shows.
I'm certainly not gonna host one.
Oh-ho-ho! Look at you.
That's what you should put down.
"Father's occupation snob.
" How does that help? Johnny, first time my warehouse.
Not bad, huh? - Fantastic.
- Isn't it? So all this stuff is damaged? Not damaged, so much as comes with a colorful history, like this.
Remember that train wreck in Fresno? No.
There was a train wreck in Fresno.
Look at this These pimientos Can you see how it's a little dented? - Not really.
- Exactly.
And neither will the people I send them to.
And, like, who would that be? - Oh, the 99-cent-type stores, anything under a buck.
Where do you think they get all their stuff from? You, sir, are a brilliant businessman.
Let me ask you.
Like, on forms, for occupation, you would put down? Entrepreneur.
Entrepreneur.
So for the kids' homework The school project What state did you get? Pennsylvania.
Can you believe that? - Good one.
- Colorado.
So I'm hoping, if you have little plastic trees or some fake snow.
Step this way.
- You see? - Hey, you don't have, like, little amish wagon wheels, do you? - Snow, trees.
- Perfect.
Wagon wheels You want regular size or, like, for a toy? 'Cause I got both.
Wagon wheels.
Do you have actual amish people? Because that would be really impressive, although difficult to glue down, I'm guessing.
Sure, they'd fight you.
Come, come.
I got everything.
Hey, do you got staplers? Are you kidding? I got staple guns from Russia Very powerful.
You can staple concrete with them.
No, no, I just need a little stapler for You know, for kids.
Zekey ran over his friend's stapler with his wheelchair, and the other kid was very upset.
Habib! We're over here.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Can you believe this place? - This place is great! Bobble heads! You sell bobble heads? I sell everything.
Trevor Hoffman, San Diego padres.
Not for a long time He's been traded.
He's now on the Milwaukee.
- The brewers.
- What? The Milwaukee brewers.
You have to say the team with the city.
The Milwaukee brewers in Wisconsin.
- Didn't mean to offend.
- But here's the thing He's still wearing the old uniform, right? Where it says "padres" Unsellable.
So they call me.
I got 50,000 of them.
Then who do you sell them to? Bolivia.
I paint out the glove, sell them as Jesus.
Aren't they gonna wonder why Jesus is wearing cleats? Eh, at that point, it's not my problem.
Anybody want some Korean corn drink? Hey, you fast talker, you.
You know, your kid got the state I wanted.
Oh, really? Indiana.
I was born in Gary, Indiana.
- Oh.
- I figured this project would be a good way to teach my son about his heritage.
You know, I never took you for a hoosier.
- Yep, born and raised.
- Well, you want to switch? - Really? - Mm-hmm.
- You would do that? - Yeah.
I feel no emotional attachment to Indiana.
- Ho ho hold on.
Don't you need to check with the teacher first? No.
No, I'll just do Fernando's state.
What state is that? - Delaware.
- Delaware.
Perfect.
Here we go Toy amish wagon wheels.
Will that do? Close enough.
So where's your Delaware section? I don't have one at the moment.
- Uh, I only need six.
- The whole bag is 85 cents.
Would you take 75 cents for, like, 900? Yeah, you see? You are a natural game show host.
Yeah.
You're going to be a game show host too? I'm not What do you mean "too"? Well, you know who else maybe is going to be a game show host? - Who? - Larry David.
Huh? - Larry David? Yeah, from the Larry David show.
I know who he is.
He's an old friend.
Now, Larry David is funny.
Oh, yeah.
As are you.
W-what's the show he's doing? I think it's got "think smart," "smarty pants," or Start thinking? Start thinking! That was funny, come on.
I can't believe they're giving Larry my show.
Trust me, Larry David is not gonna do a game show.
Oh, why wouldn't he? Let me finish.
Larry David should be so lucky as to do a game show.
Yeah.
Absolutely.
Okay, you know what? No, don't do that You're a much more mainstream sensibility.
The teacher is so gonna know our kid didn't do this.
Oh, but the Gelfands' kid built the working volcano for Hawaii? Please! They all do it.
Hello! - Who's that? - Hi.
- Hey.
- I just want you to know, your son's been delivered safe and sound.
- Did Gabe behave himself? - Oh, sure.
Yeah.
I mean, I think so.
Nobody seems to have gone to the hospital, so - Good enough.
- Kids, right? You know - Thank you.
Yeah.
Do you want something to eat? No.
No, no, I got to get going.
All righty.
- Hey, let me ask you something.
- Yes? Your friend, Fernando Have you ever actually seen his birth certificate? No.
Yeah, right? Me neither.
I think he kind of pulled a fast one on me.
What are you talking about? Well, he said that he was born in Indiana.
So I switched states with him.
Which was very nice.
Oh, yes, it really was, because Indiana, easy peasy Little cars for the indy 500, you know, a basketball for the hoosiers - Yeah.
- Whereas Delaware That's a very hard state to represent.
I got nothing.
- Well, I And if Fernando's kid ends up going to a better school than my kid because of this I really don't believe Fernando would lie about where he was born.
Yeah, right? You're right.
Yeah? Yeah, he's a very competitive guy, though.
- Okay.
- Brad You want something to eat? - Huh? Oh, no, no, no.
No, I got to be moseying on home.
All right, thank you.
Yeah.
Oh, hey, how about your husband, Mr.
game show host, huh? I thought you said no to that? Uh, I'm having a little bit of a rethink.
Ah, you know what? A banana why not? - Go crazy.
- All right.
I thought you hated the idea of doing a game show.
I did.
But But now that Larry David is thinking of doing it It sounds a little better.
Yes, it does.
But why? Why would Larry David want to do a game show? Maybe they just put it out there that he was interested to utz you into saying yes.
Somebody made that up to Yeah.
What? No, that's crazy.
Why don't you call Larry and ask him? Boy, oh, boy! What? You're a cynical person.
I am not.
You are just so trusting, you believe everything that you hear.
Yes, I do.
That's one of the things I admire most about myself.
Me too.
You're a very trusting soul.
Mm-hmm.
That's why you're so at peace with yourself.
Yes Except now I'm so aggravated with this Larry David thing, I can I can't even tell you.
You could've asked me that on the phone, you idiot.
Why didn't you say, "are you doing a game show?" You drag me down here, into the valley? What are you, out of your mind to ask me that question? That's All right, never mind.
I'm sorry I asked.
No, no, wait a second.
I'm just, frankly, a little surprised as to why you care so much that you actually wanted to bring me down here.
All right, all right.
Well, truth be told, I have been approached also about doing a game show, and I said, "I wonder if it's the same show.
" Wait a second.
Hmm? You were approached about doing a game show? Yeah.
And I thought maybe it was the same show.
What do you give a If I'm gonna do a game show? I just What's it your business? What is the name of your show? What's the name of your show? No, I'm saying Yeah, so what is the show No, what's the show? What's the name of your show? Why don't we say them at the same time, okay? I'll count to three, and we'll both say it.
After three or on three? One, two, three, boom.
Where four would be Got it.
Okay.
Got it.
In place of four.
Yes.
You better get in on this.
Okay, I’m telling you right now, if you don't say it at the same time that I do I'm going to.
I'm I'm walking out.
I'll say one, two, three Let's just do it.
I'm trusting you.
Let's go.
Here it is.
- One, two, three.
- Start thinking.
Okay, so it's the same show.
Okay, well, that's awkward.
That is awkward.
All right, you know what? Now that I know it is the same show, I don't think I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna step out.
Oh, really? Please.
Mr.
nice guy? Nice.
I'm not nice.
In life, I'm nice.
On tv, I'm mean.
You're the opposite.
And you know what I say about you? "No, Paul, he's not really that nice.
He's much he's much meaner than you think.
" Yes.
You you What you should be doing Yes.
You should be doing a show like like what I have.
That's what you should be doing, not a game show.
What kind of show? You should be doing your version of curb your enthusiasm, because you're so much worse than I am.
This this should be a very beneficial lunch for you, okay? Yes.
If I offended you in any way You know what I feel like doing? I feel like throwing this tea bag at you.
You know, I'm almost sorry I brought you down here.
You're quite a douche bag, aren't you? A little bit.
All right, now we're at the final, exciting stage.
It's called the lightning round, where you want to start thinking even faster than you been thinking.
During what month of pregnancy does a woman start to look pregnant? February.
Maybe we shouldn't push him to do this.
All mammals feed their young by? 5:30 P.
M.
, maybe 6:00, at the latest.
He looks very uncomfortable.
Who won the civil war? We did.
Okay.
Ooh.
Ooh! The main ingredient in paella is Pie! Name something made of wool.
Sheep.
The Olympics were first held in? Doors.
April showers bring may? Be, maybe not? Okay, you know what? I can't.
I can't.
Did I win? Yeah, yeah.
Big big winner.
Big winner.
Yes.
Most degrading experience of my life.
You! There is not a shower in the world strong enough to cleanse my shame.
You were spectacular.
Oh! So funny, so relatable.
Oh, please! What show were you watching? The same one the audience loved.
Well, then they're a bunch of idiots.
There he is! Mr.
funny! Hilarious.
For goodness sake.
What a thrill, to see how they make a tv show I had no idea.
I'm sorry you guys had to sit through that.
Sorry! Are you kidding? I loved everything about it.
They polled the audience.
Do you want to hear? No.
80% of the audience said they would definitely watch or record and then watch this show.
That was me.
I wrote that down! Oy, Mark Burnett is coming.
Oh, that was awesome America's favorite new game show host.
I'm amazed.
Oh, please.
Hey, how's that for an occupation? What does your dad do? He's America's favorite new game show host.
Listen to him.
He's still working it.
That's why I want you.
You're so quick, so funny.
"March" Burnett? Oh, you know, I'm such a big fan.
If I knew you were coming, I would've worn something different.
You know, I saw "game show," I thought game.
I don't know what Pauly, you know, you don't have to do the show if you don't want to.
Hi.
Hi.
Kuma d'Bu.
Kuma d'Bu.
Paul's Agent.
I think you should leave now.
And take them.
You know, I wonder, on tsurvivor, when do they poop? Because u never see that.
Boy, you've got to look at this tape.
You've got to look at this.
You're awesome.
Do we have to? It's awesome.
Trust me, it's television.
Why do you buzz if you don't have the answer? Stop yelling at me.
I'm not yelling at you.
But you keep doing that.
No, I don't.
Yeah, you do, Sally.
And her name was Sally.
Did you notice that? Hey.
Ho.
Does the buzzing have to be that loud? 'Cause it's it's annoying.
You're fine.
Anybody find it annoying? Okay, you know what? Here we go.
Okay, I haven't even asked the question yet.
Wait for the question.
Hey, stop it.
Stop it! What the? Are you kidding me? Paul, that's brilliant.
You're saying what everyone at home wants to say, but doesn't get to.
But nobody should say that.
So do we stay, or can we go? Ooh, stay.
Maybe we get to see them film another show.
Ah, man, I wish I had a glue gun.
I got to get this stupid Indiana project to school by 6:30.
I got a glue gun in the car.
It's a portable.
Are you kidding me? I keep telling you guys, I got everything.
Cool.
Stupid Indiana, huh? Jeez.
And you're just, uh Starting it now? No, I'm not starting it.
I'm finishing it.
Oh, okay.
You know, you wanted Indiana, and I gave you Indiana.
The least you could do is finish it on time, you know? Is there a problem? Guys Mm, yeah.
Yeah, there is.
I mean, he tricks me into Delaware, and now he's complaining about Indiana? You offered him Delaware.
Uh, no.
No, no, no.
I offered him Indiana.
Delaware was how he repaid me.
And now my kid is gonna fail.
Okay, here we go.
What is that? The glueitzer.
Jeez.
How is that portable? Because I'm carrying it.
Plus, the glue is unbelievable.
You can stick an elephant to the ceiling.
It would stay there.
Okay, okay, okay.
Don't don't point that at me.
And and don't get any glue on my car, okay? I'm not gonna get glue on your car.
Take a chill pill, baby.
Testicles.
What? What are testicles? Testicles? No, no.
The answer's not testicles.
Anybody else? Anybody at all? Somebody say something.
Paul? Huh? Testicles are acceptable.
Really? Okay.
The judges tell me they will accept testicles.
Yeah! Okay.
Good for you.
You get it wrong, but still you win.
Isn't that something? Paul, that is brilliant.
Legs, legs.
A man has two, a stallion has four legs.
A horse doesn't have four testicles.
But testicles is funnier, Paul.
Funnier testicles Okay, you know what? Now I'm losing my mind.
I'm literally The mind is going away now.
Paul, Paul, you're perfect for this.
Oh, no, I'm not.
Trust me.
You know who would be great? Larry David would be perfect for this.
Honestly, Larry's not that likable.
How am I likable? I yelled at the contestants.
Yeah, but you felt bad doing it.
What's funny for the audience at home is you squirming.
Your misery is the funny part.
Excuse me, Mr.
Burnett? Oh, I got it.
Listen, you're brilliant.
It's gonna work.
Won't work, never gonna work.
Listen, we're gonna talk.
We're talking.
Okay, you can work, but not with me.
Don't talk.
No, I don't want you guys to Don't talk to him.
Are you what? So you're calling me a bad father? Oh, no.
No, you made me a bad father.
My kid is in tears right now because you saddled us with a deadbeat state.
If it's any consolation, I think you're both bad fathers.
This is gonna be a thing of beauty.
Hey, hey, you didn't get any glue on my car, did you? Trying to help you here.
Why are we bad fathers? 'Cause this is the kids' homework, not yours.
Hey, hey, hey, I saw you scoring amish wagon wheels for your kid.
And I hate myself for it.
I don't want to do their homework, and you know why? Uh, because you're lazy? 'Cause it's wrong.
It's cheating.
I already graduated fourth grade With honors, by the way.
Congratulations.
I'm just saying, our dads never did our homework.
And we're better men for it.
Are we? Really? Hmm.
Done! Take a look at that.
Who's your hoosier now, baby? Yeah, anybody can do Indiana.
This is fantastic! Thank you! It's my pleasure.
Just keep it away from open flames, uh And birds.
The fumes make them crazy.
I don't know why.
Okay, okay.
You the man, you the man! My pleasure.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
This is fantastic.
Habib, you are the greatest.
Hey, come here.
Give me a hug.
Oh, that's okay.
Come here, you big nut.
Give me a hug.
Why don't you come here and hug me, huh? Come on! Eh! Come to daddy-bear.
What? Did you glue your ass to my car? Not on purpose.
Are you kidding me? In time, you'll make it your own.
I don't want it to be my own.
You bring such an edgy freshness to it.
That doesn't even mean any Edgy freshness, what the Okay, that's my son.
I got to take this.
Hey, buddy, what's up? Hmm.
He's fine.
Stupid Russian glue.
We need to call the army.
Hey! Hey! So What's the good news? Did you get the job? I got it.
Of course you did.
Nice.
Beautiful.
All right, buddy.
Good for you.
But I'm not doing it.
Thank God! You would've hated it.
What, you turned it down? Yeah.
And you want to know why? Because you're lazy? No.
I just got a call from zekey.
He ran over his friend's stapler.
I told him, "well, just apologize.
"You know, sometimes friends fight.
"And if he's really your friend, it'll all work out, I promise.
" I am sorry about before.
Nah, hey, hey.
I'm sorry about Delaware.
Oh, no, no, that's fine.
The important thing is I got it done in plenty of time.
Say what? Can I finish my story? Oh, you weren't finished? So he calls me now to tell me the other kid just invited him to his birthday party.
Aw! Well, that's nice.
Not finished.
Really? Still? And then I'm not bragging He says to me, "you were right, daddy.
" Okay? How about that? You know what? That's what I'm putting on a damn form.
What form? "Father's occupation Father.
" That's my job.
I love my job.
"You were right, daddy" Come on.
What, do I need more than that? Mm, mm, mm.
Right.
Okay.
I feel guilty now.
I guess I need to go home and kiss my kid.
Are you happy? What are you talking about Hey, hey, hey, there's a game show for you.
You know, you get a group of dads.
They already feel pretty bad about themselves, and then you come out, and you kick them.
What do you mean, kick? I would how No, it's just terrific.
I mean, who wouldn't watch that? What I was just I wasn't trying to make you guys feel bad.
I was just I was Making yourself look better in comparison.
We understand.
No, how No, no, no, no.
Hey, hey, fellas, fellas.
Just so this never happens again.
This is not a story you tell to men.
We talk about our kids all the time.
How is that what did I do? Individually, maybe.
But as a group, no.
It becomes Oprah, really.
Well, I'm sorry if I offended by sharing something very sweet.
It's okay.
We understand.
He's a little self-satisfied.
But, uh, on the plus side, he's not doing the game show.
He's not selling his soul like a dancing monkey.
And we can applaud that.
Well, there you go.
Yes, good for you.
I'm proud of you, buddy.
Well, thank you.
Come here.
I got to give it up.
That takes guts.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Way to go, really.
Yeah? Yes, absolutely.
All right, I'll take it.
Habib Give him a hug.
No, I'm I'm okay.
He's okay.
No, it's all right.
Aren't you happy for him? Yeah.
Yeah.
But, uh, you know Then give him a hug! Eh Come on.
Get over here.
You know what? A little too much happy.
Okay.
All right, all right.
I get it.
I get it.
You're happy! Okay, all right.
You're happy.
Stop happy.
- Honest to God, I thought - What did you think? You want to know what I thought? - What? - Honest to God? I thought you were gonna tell me that you were gay, that you were out of the closet, that you're a gay man.
And that's what I thought.
And I thought, "well, why's he telling me? "Why's he gonna tell me? "'Cause he must think I'm gay too, "that I'd be a good person to tell.
"Why does he think I'm gay? "Wwwhat's it about me that makes him think that I'm gay? Am I particularly effeminate?" And I thought, "oh, my God, this guy he's gay.
He's gonna tell me he's gay.
" That's what I thought.
Really? Yes.
I mean, 'cause a lot of people always say to me, "you know, Paul" No, not that anybody says it.
Yeah.
But my own observation of you, you talk about a lot of feminine subjects all the time.
- Do I? Really? - Yes, you do.
I've got a high voice too.
Right there, yeah.
But not always.
Yeah, you kind of talk high.
So I And so from that, you got, "oh, Paul's" I don't know.
I just got nervous.
I got nervous.
"Why why's he telling me? What does he want from me? Why's he gonna call me and tell me?" You know? I would think you would be relieved now that it's much less of a dramatic thing.
I just had a simple business question.
I am a little relieved.
Would this have been a better lunch for you if I told you, "Larry, I'm gay, and I find you appealing?" It would've it would've been more interesting.
Really? Yeah.