The Prince (2021) s01e01 Episode Script
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1
♪
♪
- Pleasant weather.
- Stop jabbering, you two.
We're not Italians.
- Gan Gan,
you look so beautiful today.
I don't know why
they didn't cast Angelina Jolie
to play you in "The Crown"
or Gisele.
-
- Settle. Settle.
- Get the defibrillator paddles
ready.
No, no.
We're good.
Charlotte, can you move over,
like, half an inch, please?
- Sorry, George.
- And who the hell
is calling you?
- No one.
- Camilla, whatever it is
you're dying to say,
just spit it out.
- Oh, no, Mummy,
she's fine.
That's just how she swallows.
I could put the curtain
around her if you'd prefer.
No?
It's all good, darling.
She loves you.
- He looks good.
Fit.
- Oh, shut up.
- You shut up.
- Yeah, you look amazing today,
Ganpa.
This is a sexy family.
You know, for British people.
- Hey, Owen?
- Yes, Your Royal Highness?
- When you're
clipping my nails,
can you at least try to act
like you're enjoying it?
My toes are absorbing
a lot of your resentment.
- I would never want you
to think that I didn't--
- Eh, eh.
Less talk-y, more clip-y.
Ooh, Kelly Ripa just posted
a Throwback Thursday photo
of her eating a bagel on
the set of "All My Children."
"OMG. Coffin emoji."
I love Kelly Ripa.
I feel like
we could be friends.
- Of course you could, sir.
- I know.
That's why I said it.
Let's see if she liked
my comment yet.
Uh, hold on.
Is she--
is she even following me?
Oh, my God.
Kelly Ripa doesn't follow me.
- Perhaps she unfollowed you
by accident, sir.
I've done that.
- Wait, you're on Instagram?
- It's mostly just pictures
of me in my garden
or of my deceased wife.
- Ugh, not the dead wife again.
Babe, move on.
Anyway, you're right.
Kelly obviously unfollowed me
by accident.
- Yes, of course.
That's probably
what happened, sir.
- Probably?
What do you mean probably?
- I don't think
I said "probably."
I believe I said "definitely."
- Did you?
- I didsir.
- Oh, okay.
Thank you.
Just for that, I'm going
to go on your Instagram--
there you are, @OwenPalace,
aw, cute--
and like this picture of you.
Like.
- That's my wife, sir.
- Jesus.
I'm unliking it.
- I love you.
- I love you, too, Douglas.
- Tomorrow
is that thing, right?
You know, that thing.
What's it called?
- Your investiture ceremony,
Your Royal Highness.
Yes, it's tomorrow.
- And that is when
I do what exactly?
- It's when you select
certain men and women
to knight and make dames,
ma'am.
- I know what it is,
you tosser!
- What the fuck?
- No idea.
- And will there be the little
thing that I like to eat?
You know, that little tart.
That thing.
- Yes, ma'am,
the flummery tart.
Of course.
As always.
- Good, I fucking love
that thing.
- She's got a lot of--
- Don't.
♪
- Unbelievable.
Unbelievable.
Don't make me sigh again,
Dinesh.
- Sorry, sorry.
What's unbelievable?
- Kelly Ripa still
isn't following me.
I've got to do something
to get her attention.
- I love Kelly Ripa.
I feel like
we could be friends.
- What a stupid fucking thing
to say.
- Oh, look, your grandmother
is making Greta Thunberg
a dame.
- Ugh, Greta Dumbberg
is more like it.
I said Greta Dumbberg
is more like it.
Don't laugh
if you don't think it's funny.
Wait, Greta Thunberg
is going to be a dame?
You know what that means.
- Maggie Smith is dead?
- What? No.
What does that have to do
with anything, Sebastian?
- Doesn't a dame have to die
before there can be a new one?
- That's what I thought, too.
- That doesn't even make any--
All right, both of you
just shut up.
Well, that's the bell.
Really fun day, guys.
Text me later.
Free Britney!
- I never know
where we stand with him.
- Hey, Gan Gan?
- Who's there?
Who's there?
- It's me.
It's me, Gan Gan.
- Oh, hello, sweetheart.
- Oh, Jesus.
My fucking heart.
Anyway, I wanted
to ask you something.
- Would you rub my feet
while you do?
- Umokay.
- So my good friend
Kelly Ripa--
- "Kelly and Ryan" Kelly Ripa?
- Yes, that's her.
So I thought maybe you could
make her a dame for me.
- Has she done anything else?
- I don't think so.
But Helen Mirren's a dame,
and she hasn't
done anything either.
- That's true.
Okay, stop rubbing now.
Sure.
- Thanks, Gan Gan.
- Excuse me, Your--
-
- Everyone stop
fucking startling me!
- Allright.
Well, thanks again.
- Stupid love, love ♪
♪
Oh-oh ♪
♪
I want
your stupid love, love ♪
- Excuse me,
Your Royal Highness.
- Oh, hey, O.
No, it's cool.
Come on in.
Okay, Google, turn off.
Guess what.
Gan Gan just agreed
to make Kelly Ripa a dame.
- Splendid, and she's also
honoring Greta Thunberg,
I hear.
- Well, Kelly's someone
who actually deserves it.
Do you know how early she has
to get up for that show?
Anyway, she's obviously going
to follow me after that.
- Happy ending, indeed.
Ooh, I almost forgot, sir.
You received a postcard today
from your Uncle Harry
and Aunt Meghan in LA.
- A postcard?
Let me see that.
What the hell are they doing
in LA anyway?
- Uhhey.
- Did you know
it's cold in there?
- Yeah.
It's the refrigerator, Harry.
- Must be an American thing.
- Um, it's not.
So I was thinking maybe later,
I could show you around LA.
We can go
to Hollywood Boulevard.
Actually,
it's kind of disgusting.
Or maybe the Santa Monica Pier.
Never mind.
That's kind of gross, too.
And whatever.
We'll figure it out.
I am just so happy to be back!
- For sure!
But wait.
Watch this.
Amazing, right?
- Okay.
- I have to tell you,
this might be
the smallest palace
I've ever been in.
- Well, it's an apartment, so--
- Yes, an apartment palace.
I know that.
Lots of tiny palaces
inside one big palace.
- You really need to stop
thinking in terms of palaces.
We have to get jobs.
I have to start
auditioning again.
- Oh, yes, you were on
the very famous show "Suits."
More popular in the States than
even "Friends," you told us.
- Yeah, I might have oversold
that a little bit at the time.
- Look, I love you,
and I'm willing to do
whatever I need to do in order
to be with you, Meghan.
- Aw, and I love you, too.
I think it's important
we do this ourselves, Harry,
and not live off your family.
- I agree.
We'll just have to find a way
to make £50 billion on our own.
- Fuck.
- The queen's
investiture ceremony
starts in ten minutes.
Keep it moving.
Keep it moving!
- Oh, my God.
I have to shit so bad.
- You there, go get the trays
of flummery tarts.
- Yeah, I'm new.
I don't--uh, I-I don't know
what that is.
- I'll show him.
Come with me.
They're the queen's
favorite tarts.
- Neat.
I don't suppose
I could poo first?
- It's down here.
- This is where
you keep the tarts?
- Just a little bit further.
Down this corridor.
The tarts are very complicated
little pastries.
There's a whole process
to making them.
It's a little weird.
- Jesus!
- Easy, easy!
♪
Back!
♪
- They--they didn't have eyes.
- Centuries ago, several bakers
were brought down here
until they perfected the
royal family's favorite treat,
the flummery tart.
They never saw
the light of day.
Eventually they started breeding.
And then over the decades,
they kind of evolved into
Is it politically incorrect
to say monsters?
- My God.
- I told you
it was a little weird.
- Are the tarts that good?
- I'm not a fan.
♪
- It's so lovely to meet you.
I'm Kate,
the duchess of Cambridge.
- And I'm William,
the duke of Cambridge.
And these are my teeth.
- Hey, I'm Kelly Ripa,
thewoman of New Jersey.
- Of course, you're
being honored this evening.
And may I ask
for what specifically?
- I have no idea.
-
- Ugh, sickening.
I can't watch you eat.
- Finally,
she leaves.
- You two are a fun pair.
Hey, Greta.
- Hi, Kelly.
- Hey, Kelly, Kelly!
Hey--hey, Kelly!
It's me, George.
Get out of here, Greta.
- Oh, hey.
- Yeah, hey.
So this is cool, right?
- I know.
I'm gonna be a dame.
Did Maggie Smith die?
- No, Maggie Smith didn't die.
Why does everyone--
Anyway, it's so fun
that we're Instagram friends
and we're finally meeting
in person.
- Oh, is that
how we know each other?
- Yeah, that's how.
Like, I follow you,
and you follow me.
- Are those
those fucking tarts I like?
- I can't talk now.
They're all watching me.
And I'm watching them.
Hi, Mummy!
- Yep, here it is.
Kelly Ripa, following, see?
I bet if you go
to @PrinceG2013,
you'll see the same thing.
Do it.
- Um, okay.
Oh, I-I guess
I wasn't following you.
Sorry.
Am now.
- Oh, yeah, sure, whatever.
I don't care.
- What the hell are you doing?
We're not in Japan, dear.
Curtsy next time.
Someone tart me!
- I thought she'd be nice.
- Yeah, she's not.
- Hello, I'm Prince Charles,
and this is my wife, Camilla.
You know, a lot of people think
Camilla should have
a chat show, too.
She's got quite the gift
of gab.
Breakfast show chat, darling?
You're going to love it, Kelly.
She's so good.
Go on, darling.
- Yeah, I kind of preferred
your other wife.
- That was fun tonight, O.
Wasn't it?
You've missed, like,
ten spots already, by the way.
How hard is it
to apply face cream?
Fuck.
- Apologies,
Your Royal Highness.
Yes, the evening
was a huge success.
- It was also freezing today,
so you notice Greta
didn't have much to say.
Oh, look at this!
Dame Kelly Ripa, following.
She changed that fast.
- See?
I told you, sir.
It was a simple mistake.
- Yeah, yeah.
Anyway, now I can do this.
Unfollow.
Bye!
Don't let me do that again,
by the way.
Pull me back, O.
Why do I care
if Kelly Ripa follows me?
That was, like,
a lot of wasted energy.
- I do see now
how it was my fault, sir.
- Aw, don't feel bad, O.
Look!
Look what I'm doing.
@OwenPalace, follow.
- Oh, sir.
- Okay, Google.
Play Lady Gaga.
- I want
your stupid love, love ♪
Oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh ♪
Oh, oh, oh,
oh-oh-oh-oh ♪
I want
your stupid love, love ♪
Oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh ♪
Oh, oh, oh, oh-oh-oh-oh ♪
Now it's time
to free me from the shame ♪
I gotta find that peace ♪
Is it too late,
or could this love ♪
Protect me from the pain? ♪
I would battle for you ♪
Even if I break in two ♪
Freak out, I freak out ♪
♪
♪
- Pleasant weather.
- Stop jabbering, you two.
We're not Italians.
- Gan Gan,
you look so beautiful today.
I don't know why
they didn't cast Angelina Jolie
to play you in "The Crown"
or Gisele.
-
- Settle. Settle.
- Get the defibrillator paddles
ready.
No, no.
We're good.
Charlotte, can you move over,
like, half an inch, please?
- Sorry, George.
- And who the hell
is calling you?
- No one.
- Camilla, whatever it is
you're dying to say,
just spit it out.
- Oh, no, Mummy,
she's fine.
That's just how she swallows.
I could put the curtain
around her if you'd prefer.
No?
It's all good, darling.
She loves you.
- He looks good.
Fit.
- Oh, shut up.
- You shut up.
- Yeah, you look amazing today,
Ganpa.
This is a sexy family.
You know, for British people.
- Hey, Owen?
- Yes, Your Royal Highness?
- When you're
clipping my nails,
can you at least try to act
like you're enjoying it?
My toes are absorbing
a lot of your resentment.
- I would never want you
to think that I didn't--
- Eh, eh.
Less talk-y, more clip-y.
Ooh, Kelly Ripa just posted
a Throwback Thursday photo
of her eating a bagel on
the set of "All My Children."
"OMG. Coffin emoji."
I love Kelly Ripa.
I feel like
we could be friends.
- Of course you could, sir.
- I know.
That's why I said it.
Let's see if she liked
my comment yet.
Uh, hold on.
Is she--
is she even following me?
Oh, my God.
Kelly Ripa doesn't follow me.
- Perhaps she unfollowed you
by accident, sir.
I've done that.
- Wait, you're on Instagram?
- It's mostly just pictures
of me in my garden
or of my deceased wife.
- Ugh, not the dead wife again.
Babe, move on.
Anyway, you're right.
Kelly obviously unfollowed me
by accident.
- Yes, of course.
That's probably
what happened, sir.
- Probably?
What do you mean probably?
- I don't think
I said "probably."
I believe I said "definitely."
- Did you?
- I didsir.
- Oh, okay.
Thank you.
Just for that, I'm going
to go on your Instagram--
there you are, @OwenPalace,
aw, cute--
and like this picture of you.
Like.
- That's my wife, sir.
- Jesus.
I'm unliking it.
- I love you.
- I love you, too, Douglas.
- Tomorrow
is that thing, right?
You know, that thing.
What's it called?
- Your investiture ceremony,
Your Royal Highness.
Yes, it's tomorrow.
- And that is when
I do what exactly?
- It's when you select
certain men and women
to knight and make dames,
ma'am.
- I know what it is,
you tosser!
- What the fuck?
- No idea.
- And will there be the little
thing that I like to eat?
You know, that little tart.
That thing.
- Yes, ma'am,
the flummery tart.
Of course.
As always.
- Good, I fucking love
that thing.
- She's got a lot of--
- Don't.
♪
- Unbelievable.
Unbelievable.
Don't make me sigh again,
Dinesh.
- Sorry, sorry.
What's unbelievable?
- Kelly Ripa still
isn't following me.
I've got to do something
to get her attention.
- I love Kelly Ripa.
I feel like
we could be friends.
- What a stupid fucking thing
to say.
- Oh, look, your grandmother
is making Greta Thunberg
a dame.
- Ugh, Greta Dumbberg
is more like it.
I said Greta Dumbberg
is more like it.
Don't laugh
if you don't think it's funny.
Wait, Greta Thunberg
is going to be a dame?
You know what that means.
- Maggie Smith is dead?
- What? No.
What does that have to do
with anything, Sebastian?
- Doesn't a dame have to die
before there can be a new one?
- That's what I thought, too.
- That doesn't even make any--
All right, both of you
just shut up.
Well, that's the bell.
Really fun day, guys.
Text me later.
Free Britney!
- I never know
where we stand with him.
- Hey, Gan Gan?
- Who's there?
Who's there?
- It's me.
It's me, Gan Gan.
- Oh, hello, sweetheart.
- Oh, Jesus.
My fucking heart.
Anyway, I wanted
to ask you something.
- Would you rub my feet
while you do?
- Umokay.
- So my good friend
Kelly Ripa--
- "Kelly and Ryan" Kelly Ripa?
- Yes, that's her.
So I thought maybe you could
make her a dame for me.
- Has she done anything else?
- I don't think so.
But Helen Mirren's a dame,
and she hasn't
done anything either.
- That's true.
Okay, stop rubbing now.
Sure.
- Thanks, Gan Gan.
- Excuse me, Your--
-
- Everyone stop
fucking startling me!
- Allright.
Well, thanks again.
- Stupid love, love ♪
♪
Oh-oh ♪
♪
I want
your stupid love, love ♪
- Excuse me,
Your Royal Highness.
- Oh, hey, O.
No, it's cool.
Come on in.
Okay, Google, turn off.
Guess what.
Gan Gan just agreed
to make Kelly Ripa a dame.
- Splendid, and she's also
honoring Greta Thunberg,
I hear.
- Well, Kelly's someone
who actually deserves it.
Do you know how early she has
to get up for that show?
Anyway, she's obviously going
to follow me after that.
- Happy ending, indeed.
Ooh, I almost forgot, sir.
You received a postcard today
from your Uncle Harry
and Aunt Meghan in LA.
- A postcard?
Let me see that.
What the hell are they doing
in LA anyway?
- Uhhey.
- Did you know
it's cold in there?
- Yeah.
It's the refrigerator, Harry.
- Must be an American thing.
- Um, it's not.
So I was thinking maybe later,
I could show you around LA.
We can go
to Hollywood Boulevard.
Actually,
it's kind of disgusting.
Or maybe the Santa Monica Pier.
Never mind.
That's kind of gross, too.
And whatever.
We'll figure it out.
I am just so happy to be back!
- For sure!
But wait.
Watch this.
Amazing, right?
- Okay.
- I have to tell you,
this might be
the smallest palace
I've ever been in.
- Well, it's an apartment, so--
- Yes, an apartment palace.
I know that.
Lots of tiny palaces
inside one big palace.
- You really need to stop
thinking in terms of palaces.
We have to get jobs.
I have to start
auditioning again.
- Oh, yes, you were on
the very famous show "Suits."
More popular in the States than
even "Friends," you told us.
- Yeah, I might have oversold
that a little bit at the time.
- Look, I love you,
and I'm willing to do
whatever I need to do in order
to be with you, Meghan.
- Aw, and I love you, too.
I think it's important
we do this ourselves, Harry,
and not live off your family.
- I agree.
We'll just have to find a way
to make £50 billion on our own.
- Fuck.
- The queen's
investiture ceremony
starts in ten minutes.
Keep it moving.
Keep it moving!
- Oh, my God.
I have to shit so bad.
- You there, go get the trays
of flummery tarts.
- Yeah, I'm new.
I don't--uh, I-I don't know
what that is.
- I'll show him.
Come with me.
They're the queen's
favorite tarts.
- Neat.
I don't suppose
I could poo first?
- It's down here.
- This is where
you keep the tarts?
- Just a little bit further.
Down this corridor.
The tarts are very complicated
little pastries.
There's a whole process
to making them.
It's a little weird.
- Jesus!
- Easy, easy!
♪
Back!
♪
- They--they didn't have eyes.
- Centuries ago, several bakers
were brought down here
until they perfected the
royal family's favorite treat,
the flummery tart.
They never saw
the light of day.
Eventually they started breeding.
And then over the decades,
they kind of evolved into
Is it politically incorrect
to say monsters?
- My God.
- I told you
it was a little weird.
- Are the tarts that good?
- I'm not a fan.
♪
- It's so lovely to meet you.
I'm Kate,
the duchess of Cambridge.
- And I'm William,
the duke of Cambridge.
And these are my teeth.
- Hey, I'm Kelly Ripa,
thewoman of New Jersey.
- Of course, you're
being honored this evening.
And may I ask
for what specifically?
- I have no idea.
-
- Ugh, sickening.
I can't watch you eat.
- Finally,
she leaves.
- You two are a fun pair.
Hey, Greta.
- Hi, Kelly.
- Hey, Kelly, Kelly!
Hey--hey, Kelly!
It's me, George.
Get out of here, Greta.
- Oh, hey.
- Yeah, hey.
So this is cool, right?
- I know.
I'm gonna be a dame.
Did Maggie Smith die?
- No, Maggie Smith didn't die.
Why does everyone--
Anyway, it's so fun
that we're Instagram friends
and we're finally meeting
in person.
- Oh, is that
how we know each other?
- Yeah, that's how.
Like, I follow you,
and you follow me.
- Are those
those fucking tarts I like?
- I can't talk now.
They're all watching me.
And I'm watching them.
Hi, Mummy!
- Yep, here it is.
Kelly Ripa, following, see?
I bet if you go
to @PrinceG2013,
you'll see the same thing.
Do it.
- Um, okay.
Oh, I-I guess
I wasn't following you.
Sorry.
Am now.
- Oh, yeah, sure, whatever.
I don't care.
- What the hell are you doing?
We're not in Japan, dear.
Curtsy next time.
Someone tart me!
- I thought she'd be nice.
- Yeah, she's not.
- Hello, I'm Prince Charles,
and this is my wife, Camilla.
You know, a lot of people think
Camilla should have
a chat show, too.
She's got quite the gift
of gab.
Breakfast show chat, darling?
You're going to love it, Kelly.
She's so good.
Go on, darling.
- Yeah, I kind of preferred
your other wife.
- That was fun tonight, O.
Wasn't it?
You've missed, like,
ten spots already, by the way.
How hard is it
to apply face cream?
Fuck.
- Apologies,
Your Royal Highness.
Yes, the evening
was a huge success.
- It was also freezing today,
so you notice Greta
didn't have much to say.
Oh, look at this!
Dame Kelly Ripa, following.
She changed that fast.
- See?
I told you, sir.
It was a simple mistake.
- Yeah, yeah.
Anyway, now I can do this.
Unfollow.
Bye!
Don't let me do that again,
by the way.
Pull me back, O.
Why do I care
if Kelly Ripa follows me?
That was, like,
a lot of wasted energy.
- I do see now
how it was my fault, sir.
- Aw, don't feel bad, O.
Look!
Look what I'm doing.
@OwenPalace, follow.
- Oh, sir.
- Okay, Google.
Play Lady Gaga.
- I want
your stupid love, love ♪
Oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh ♪
Oh, oh, oh,
oh-oh-oh-oh ♪
I want
your stupid love, love ♪
Oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh ♪
Oh, oh, oh, oh-oh-oh-oh ♪
Now it's time
to free me from the shame ♪
I gotta find that peace ♪
Is it too late,
or could this love ♪
Protect me from the pain? ♪
I would battle for you ♪
Even if I break in two ♪
Freak out, I freak out ♪