The Pursuit of Love (2021) s01e01 Episode Script

1
(AIR WHISTLES)
(RUMBLING)
(SIRENS WAIL)
What did I tell you about
air raids not killing people?
My bed simply went
through the floor,
and Plon-Plon and I went on it.
Perfectly comfortable!
(LAUGHS)
Linda Radlett was not only
my favourite cousin.
But then, and for many years,
my favourite human being.
Don't pity me, Fanny.
I've had five months of perfect
and unalloyed happiness.
Very few people can say that
in the course of long lives,
- I imagine.
- Very few.
As we turned down the drive
at Alconleigh,
I asked myself if Linda's five
months of perfect happiness
were quite worth all the
chaos and confusion
of the other 29 years.
But I often thought about
things like that with Linda.
It always feels like Christmas,
coming home.
I know.
Ever since I was a small child,
I was sent
to spend the Christmas
holidays with Linda
in a large, ugly
north-facing house
high on a hill in Oxfordshire.
Most of these Christmases
were marked with violence.
There was the time Linda's pony
lay on her in the brook
and nearly drowned her.
The time she tried to kill herself
in an attempt to rejoin
a smelly old Border terrier
which Uncle Matthew had put down.
The time she decided to tell
the daughters of some
neighbours the facts of life
resulting in dreadful
beatings from Uncle Matthew
and luncheon alone
for two whole weeks.
Linda hated to be alone.
She was a wild and nervous creature,
full of passion and longing.
But of all the Christmases,
the Christmas I remember the most
was when we were 17,
and Linda decided that her life
had to begin.
(CHILDREN CHATTER)
BOY: No, you can't give
the dog a cake
before you give me a piece!
That's not fair!
I stumbled into the hall
and found Linda's mother,
my Aunt Sadie, and the children
having tea, as they always did,
in front of the fireplace, over
which hung, as it always had,
the entrenching tool
Uncle Matthew had used
to whack to death eight Germans
as they crawled out of a dugout
in 1915.
Linda's father,
my Uncle Matthew,
knew no middle course.
He either loved or he hated,
and, generally,
it must be said, he hated.
I hate Huns, Frogs,
Americans, Catholics
and all other foreigners,
but above all, I hate children!
He had four beautiful bloodhounds,
with which, every Christmas,
he would hunt his children,
and a pair of stock whips
he cracked on the lawn
every morning at dawn.
Had the Radletts been poor,
he no doubt would have been
sent to prison for beating
and refusing to educate them.
Uncle Matthew loathed
educated females
particularly me.
CHILDREN: Fanny!
- Fanny!
- You're here!
AUNT SADIE: Fanny, welcome.
You must be exhausted.
Come and have a cup of tea.
How was your journey?
Come and sit in Jassy's chair.
As always, Linda was the most
pleased to see me,
but determined not to show it.
AUNT SADIE: Linda?
Fanny's here.
Would you like a cup of tea?
Yes, please.
Hello.
Where's your mouse?
Oh, she got a sore back and died.
COUSIN: Had you been riding it?
Nobody cried so much
or so often as Linda.
COUSIN: That's how they always die.
It's some sort of urinary disease.
Anything, but especially
anything about animals,
would set her off.
Her emotions were on no ordinary plane.
She loved or she loathed.
She laughed or she cried.
She lived in a world of superlatives.
Linda was the chairman
of a secret club
called the Hons Society.
Its headquarters was a linen cupboard
at the top of the house.
- Six.
- OK.
That's great.
- Three-quarters.
- Well done.
The dead mouse was quickly forgotten.
Even smaller than last year.
- Your hair's got long.
- Neck, tummy.
One
Seven and a third.
So I win on arms, eyes,
waist, ankles,
- and you win on bust.
- Hmm. I hate bust.
Farmers love busts!
Linda and I were both in love
with people we had never met,
I with a fat,
red-faced middle-aged farmer
I sometimes saw
riding through the village,
and Linda
with the Prince of Wales.
Why can't your prince
and my farmer
be invited to Louisa's ball?
Because Matthew won't let
anyone fanciable
within 50 miles of the house.
A coming-out ball was planned
that Christmas
for Linda's older sister,
Louisa.
We're trapped!
Our only hope is the Prince
breaking down in his motor car.
(DEEP VOICE) "Pray, who is
that beautiful young lady?
"1 wish to marry her."
(DEEP VOICE) "Well, you can't!
She's here under lock and key!
"I killed 15 Germans
with an entrenching tool!
"I can certainly kill you!"
"He must have your daughter,
Sir.
"His happiness depends on it,
and subsequently,
"so does the happiness
of England.”
Even then, Linda's fantasies
were altogether more ambitious
- and dangerous than mine.
- (KNOCK ON DOOR)
I want to sit next to Fanny!
Oh, you took your time!
- This better be good, Linda.
- It is.
It's so hot in here.
Talk about back to the womb!
It's more welcoming than
my mother's womb, I imagine.
Fanny, it is unfair that you
have wicked parents and not me.
So you aspire to being wicked
and adulterous, do you, Linda?
No. I aspire to true love.
The kind of which only comes
once in a lifetime
and lasts for ever.
(CLEARS HER THROAT)
The news I have for the Hons today,
while of considerable Hon interest,
generally,
particularly concerns
Fanny!
Oh!
Aunt Emily is engaged.
(COUSINS GASP AND GIGGLE)
No, Linda, you're making it up.
I found proof.
"My dear sister Sadie
"Not to tell the children
we're engaged.
"The captain and I will arrive
late on Christmas Eve
"and stay in time for Louisa's party,
of course.
"All love from Emily."
COUSIN: Why would she want
to get married, anyway?
She can't love him.
- He's 40.
- He must be ancient.
Maybe he'll fall in love with Fanny.
Aunt Emily had brought me up
ever since I was a baby.
It had always been just her and me.
Aunt Sadie had two sisters -
my mother and Aunt Emily.
At the age of 19, my mother,
feeling herself too
beautiful and gay to be
burdened with a baby,
left my father for another man,
and gave me to Aunt Emily
to bring up.
Goodbye, darling!
My impetuous mother
subsequently ran away so often
and with so many different men
that she became known
to her family and friends
as "the Bolter",
There you are, darling.
I hope you like it.
Occasionally she would
reappear like a meteor,
showering me with her extravagance,
and I would long to be
caught up in her fiery trails
and be carried away
but she would always vanish
off again to a new man.
And in my heart,
! knew how lucky I was
to have safe, reliable,
kind Aunt Emily.
Come on, Fanny!
Get dressed, lazybones!
The Radletts loved animals,
but more than anything
in the world,
- they loved to hunt foxes.
- (HUNTING HORN BLOWS)
All away!
(LINDA LAUGHS)
Ohh!
Where is her Ladyship, your
mother, hunting this Christmas?
She's in Paris, Josh.
No human being like
her Ladyship
I ever saw on a horse.
And look at you.
Jostling about in that saddle.
Miss Linda takes after
her Ladyship, your mother,
- something wonderful.
- Why is that good?
Isn't my mother supposed to be
wicked, Josh?
BOTH: Here's Fanny!
Darling, may I introduce you
to Captain Warbeck?
Please only ever call me Davey.
He looked different
with his clothes on.
You must find it
a terrible joke,
old people like us
getting married.
(ALL LAUGH)
No, of course not.
Captain David Warbeck.
He doesn't look much like
a military man.
Or a marrying one,
for that matter.
I can't see him killing
any Germans
with an entrenching tool.
Hmm.
- Ah
- (WATER SPLASHES)
Matthew is frightening,
and I disapprove of him so,
but in a way I feel he sets
the bar for English manhood.
Don't be sad.
Yeah, but it's always been
just me and Emily.
You'll always have
boring old me!
Did you know that ducks
can only copulate
in running water?
No.
Good luck to them.
(WHISPERS) Aunt Emily
copulated last night.
They were all twisted around
each other
when I went in there
this morning.
(LAUGHS) Really?
Oh, God! How? Show me!
Show me how!
- You're sex obsessed.
- I know, it's true.
I masturbate every time I think
about Lady Jane Grey.
And I think about her
all the time!
(FANNY SHRIEKS)
Fanny!
(BOTH LAUGH)
(GUFFAWS)
(BANGS ON TABLE)
Davey! You are a clever cove!
He says these Charles II
salt-shakers
we thought we'd had
in the family for 300 years
are really Georgian imitations,
not valuable at all!
(BANGS ON TABLE)
Children (BANGS ON TABLE)
you are so lucky
to be related to this
extraordinary fellow.
Yes, he's a terrific Hon.
Oh, um, well, we have
a Hons Society.
If you're a member,
you're honourable,
and our enemies are Counter Hons.
I'm honoured to be a Hon!
Davey, maybe you can
influence Emily
on the subject
of female education.
It's done Fanny absolutely
no good whatsoever,
so far as I can tell.
She's picked up
some dreadful expressions
from that school of hers.
Very likely she did.
Awful words like "mantelpiece"
and "notepaper"
keep coming out of her mouth,
and her poor husband,
if she ever gets one
A lot of men would find it
more irritating
to have a wife who'd never
heard of George III,
or been allowed off their
family premises to pursue
any sort of normal life.
They have absolutely everything
they will ever need here!
Church, stables, tennis court.
Why would they ever
want to leave?
You don't have to go to
some awful middle-class
establishment
to learn who George II was.
- Anyway, who was he, Fanny?
- Hmm?
He was King.
And he went mad and
Most illuminating.
Well worth losing every ounce
of feminine charm
to learn that,
I must say, Fanny.
Thighs like gateposts from
playing hockey,
and the worst seat on a horse
of any woman I've ever seen.
Linda, you're uneducated,
thank God.
What do you have to say
about George Ill?
Well, he was the son of poor Fred
Oh, he was the father
of Beau Brummell's fat friend.
Oh, and he was one of those
vacillators, you know?
I am his Highness's dog at Kew
Pray tell me, sir, whose dog are you?
Ooh! How sweet!
Oh No, and Fanny doesn't
have thighs like gateposts.
Her thighs are perfect.
I'd like to go to school.
Oh, do shut up!
Matthew's trapped his daughters here.
They manage to bridge
gulfs of ignorance
with charm and high spirits
and odds and ends of knowledge
they've picked up.
You're better off
not being like Linda.
She lacks all discipline.
Could easily come to nothing.
She does remind me of the Bolter.
I don't want her
to come to nothing.
No.
- (WOMAN SINGS ARIA)
- (CRACK)
(CRACK)
(CRACK)
(SINGS ALONG TO ARIA)
(ARIA CONTINUES)
(SINGS ALONG)
(ARIA REACHES CRESCENDO)
(SINGS ALONG TUNELESSLY)
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
(WHIP CRACKS)
(LINDA LAUGHS)
(FANNY WHIMPERS)
Please don't bolt.
Don't ever leave me.
Why would I bolt when I'm going
to marry the Prince of Wales?
And have a train 40 feet long.
12 bridesmaids.
And you'll be the chief one.
What happens then?
You'll be happily ever after,
and what about me?
You'll be with me.
Chatting and having baths,
like always,
and being wise and clever
and funny and kind,
and the best thing there is,
because you know
I'm lost without you.
What if you die?
(LAUGHS) I won't die!
I'm not that sort of person.
Darling Linda,
I'm going to drag you
out of this place for ever
and copulate with you
in running water
like a divine duck,
and my goodness,
how you'll live!
UNCLE MATTHEW: We don't want
strangers here, anyway,
stinking the place up.
Well, you'll have to do something,
or there'll be no men at all
at your oldest daughter's
coming-out ball.
Oh, shut up!
There's Josh the groom!
And I've plenty of friends
in the House of Lords
who'll be happy to come
If I promise them a shoot.
(RECORD PLAYS)
Despite his suspicion of strangers,
Uncle Matthew couldn't do
anything to stop
the day of Louisa's ball arriving.
(LOUISA CLEARS HER THROAT)
As promised,
Louisa's dance partners
were Uncle Matthew's friends
from the House of Lords
and Josh the groom.
Ow!
- Oh, so sorry.
- Oh, no, no, it's fine.
(LOW CHATTER)
(FOOTSTEPS THUD)
You're very patient.
Thank you.
(YAWNS)
All so small and ugly.
Old and ugly!
The evening was saved from
utter disillusionment
by a late arrival.
Alconleigh's nearest neighbour.
Lord Merlin was an artist,
a musician
and a patron of all the young
(CHEERS)
What a set!
It was rumoured he had
two black whippets
who wore diamond necklaces,
and a playhouse in the garden
where he put on
such extravagances
as Dada plays from Paris
and jazz poetry from Harlem.
Uncle Matthew loathed him.
There's a man carrying a comb!
Davey!
I can introduce you,
if you like.
No, Davey.
Our dresses are too bad.
I'm going to the cupboard.
Yes, me too.
I'm officially renouncing
His Royal Highness.
From now on
I will devote myself
to being one of those bright
young things of Merlin's.
Merlin's friends are more
in my mother'sorbit.
(SIGHS) They're so beautiful
and sophisticated.
Don't you just (KISS)
ache for life
to be exciting, like this?
Hmm. I think I'd like to
observe exciting things.
(LINDA SIGHS)
If only there were
exciting things!
You!
You're an exciting thing!
LINDA: (LAUGHS) You are!
We are.
We do everything together.
I'd be lost without you.
But the brief appearance
of Lord Merlin's house party
only made the walls
of Linda's fortress
appear higher than ever.
She became paralysed in
her longing for life and love,
and all she could do
was lie about waiting for it.
(CLOCK TICKS)
- What's the time, darling?
- Guess.
Quarter to six.
Better than that.
- SIX.
- Not quite so good.
- Five to.
- Yes!
It's forever until we come out!
I can't live that long!
"As long as she thinks of a man,
"nobody objects to a woman thinking."
That's what Virginia Woolf has to say.
Well, then, no-one will object,
cos I only think about men.
Maybe that's because you
haven't been educated properly.
Or maybe it's because
everything else is boring!
What is it you actually want?
(SIGHS)
I want to escape!
And have fun
and wear high heels
and go to the cinema
and have sex
and be adored by a man
and be in love!
What do you want?
Is life only about love?
- Oh
- Yes!
Louisa's dance had
an unexpected sequel.
I don't know why you'd
want to marry someone so old.
Louisa, half his hair
has slipped off his head,
like an eiderdown off the bed!
- He's only 45.
- And you're 18!
If he was a dog,
you'd have to put him down.
I'm happy for
the first time in my life!
I'm getting outfor ever.
And you're going to be
stuck here, Linda,
hunting and walking the dogs with Fa.
That's what comes of
being the favourite.
- Shut up!
- Don't you think you're
a bit too old to be sitting
in a cupboard?
No, not really.
I'm not having any bridesmaids,
by the way,
so don't worry about your dresses.
What?
I'm not going to be upstaged
on my wedding day,
- thank you very much!
- Ohh!
You're not having any
bridesmaids?
- No.
- You can't think how stupid
you're going to look
from behind!
Oh
Linda was really very jealous.
- Shall we go, then, Papa?
- Yes, let's go.
She looks like the eldest and
ugliest of the Bronté sisters.
At that moment, I think Linda
would have gladly
changed places with Louisa,
even at the very heavy cost
of living happily ever after
with John Fort-William.
LINDA: I want to die!
Unless life begins absolutely
right now, I want to die!
Push me, will you?
Can you please? Can you get
down, Linda? It's really high.
(LINDA GASPS)
If only it weren't
such a difficult thing to do.
It's hard enough to Kill
a rabbit, let alone oneself.
(SIGHS)
UNCLE MATTHEW: It's that hog Merlin!
I won't have my home filled
with Merlin's dago friends!
I hear he has Frogs there too!
I won't have Frogs or dagos
- under any circumstances!
- AUNT SADIE: Hello, Merlin.
Oh, lunch would be lovely.
(FLUTTERING)
What sort of birds are they?
Just ordinary pigeons.
Where do you get them that colour?
I dye them. Every year.
Dry them in the linen cupboard.
- Isn't that frightfully cruel?
- Oh, no, they love it.
They love it. It makes them
so pretty for each other.
What about their poor little eyes?
Oh, they soon learn to shut them.
I see you're taken with
my silly old Romantic Antoine Watteaus.
Love isn't silly.
- Linda!
- It's my religion.
(AUNT SADIE SIGHS)
Is it really?
That's all she can think about.
It's really rather alarming
Ohh!
Gertie, leave her alone.
I'm so sorry.
No, um
I try to tell the girls
that they've got to
consider practicalities.
They've got to write down
how they'd run a household
on £200 a year.
Linda always just puts
"£199 - flowers".
(OTHERS LAUGH)
What lessons are you doing?
None at all.
Papa thinks that girls get fat thighs
from playing hockey if they go to school,
but not that Fanny has
fat thighs. Hers are perfect.
No, no, no, no, no.
Linda,
you need
educating.
That's what I said,
but she doesn't listen to me.
(CONVERSATION INAUDIBLE)
(LINDA SIGHS)
You have an intensely romantic character.
Hmm.
I see trouble ahead.
I urge upon you the necessity
for an intellectual background, Linda.
(LINDA LAUGHS SOFTLY)
Although [ fear
it may already be too late.
(LORD MERLIN CHUCKLES)
Come on, then.
For a while,
Linda followed his advice,
finding comfort in books
and things other than
the desperate pursuit of love.
But finally, inevitably,
the minutes turned to hours,
the hours to weeks,
the weeks to months,
and the impossible happened.
(CLOCK CHIMES)
We'd attained the great golden
goal of every childhood.
We'd grown up.
Would you like to dance?
Yes, I would.
Tony Kroesig.
In his last year at Oxford.
A member of the Bullingdon.
A splendid young man
with plenty of beautiful horses
and exquisite clothes,
he had already
a strong air of pomposity,
a thing which Linda had never
come across before
It's awfully muddy where you live.
I hope your chauffeur knows
how to park a Rolls-Royce!
(BOTH LAUGH)
Yes.
and which she found
not unattractive.
Who's that sewer with Linda?
Kroesig. Governor of
the Bank of England - his son.
Kroesig?!
Good God!
Never expected to be harbouring
a full-blooded Hun
in the house!
Matthew, dear,
don't get excited.
The Kroesigs aren't Huns.
They're a highly respected
family of bankers.
They've been over here
for generations.
Once a Hun, always a Hun.
Good God!
Does he know I still have
an entrenching tool
I used to whack eight
of his countrymen to death?
I don't suppose he does.
I always said Merlin would
bring foreigners here
eventually.
I never thought he'd land us
with an actual German!
LINDA: Oh, no, look!
The poor rabbit!
(GASPS)
Ohh!
This was the one romantic
gesture of Tony's life.
(SIGHS)
Tony went back to Oxford,
and Linda sat about waiting
for the telephone bell.
If this comes out
he'll ring tomorrow.
If this comes out
he'll be at the meet.
(SIGHS)
If this comes out
he's thinking of me
at this very minute.
- (PHONE RINGS)
- (GASPS)
Hello.
Hello. Is that Linda?
It's Tony Kroesig here.
Hello, Tony.
Listen, will you come to lunch?
Christchurch, next Thursday,
one o'clock?
Oh, but
Fa doesn't let us alone with
young men unchaperoned.
He doesn't really let us out,
full stop.
Really? (LAUGHS)
You seem too old
for that sort of restriction.
Um
Bring your cousin if you like.
All right!
- That'd be lovely.
- (MOUTHS)
- Bye.
- Goodbye.
You can't go, because Matthew
will throttle you.
I will actually die if I don't go,
so, you see,
I'd be dead either way.
We have to escape the fortress, Fanny.
There was only one way
we could devise to escape,
and it was full of risk.
A very dull girl of exactly our age
called Lavender Davis
lived with her very dull parents
about five miles away.
Once in a blue moon, Linda,
complaining vociferously,
was sent over to luncheon with them,
driving herself in Sadie's little car.
Why are you two dressed up
for breakfast?
Lavender Davis wants us
to go over to lunch there.
Oh, duck, you can't have
the car, I'm afraid.
Perkins is going to wash it.
But Mummy, you don't
You don't understand.
The whole point is that
a man's coming who brought up
a baby badger.
And I do so want to meet him.
When we go to London
for the season,
you'll barely have time
for a badger.
COUSIN:
Badgers are nocturnal anyway,
So you wouldn't even see it.
AUNT SADIE: Such a good point.
How do you know that?
Darling Jassy, lend me
your running-away money.
What? No.
I've saved and scraped
ever since I was seven
for when I plan to run away myself.
I've no education or training,
so I'll need every penny.
Just enough for a couple
of train tickets to Oxford.
Darling,
I'll give it all back.
Tony will.
I know men.
Who has a badger?
Last time,
you said you didn't mind
if you never saw the Davises
again in your whole life!
Oh, dear.
You said you wanted to bash
Lavender Davis's face in
with a mallet.
AUNT SADIE:
Yes, she did say that.
Come on, Fanny. Let's go!
It's barely nine o'clock
in the morning! Girls!
(BOTH GIGGLE)
(BOTH SHRIEK)
(BELL RINGS)
(WHISPERS) They're so serious.
It's like church.
Do you think that we would be as clever?
If you evened it all out,
I mean.
Bath time!
(ALL SHOUT AND CHEER)
Last one in's a sissy!
(CHEERING AND SPLASHING)
We must keep our ends up, Fanny.
I think I'm happy
with my end down.
(WOMEN GIGGLE)
(LINDA GASPS)
Come on, let's do it.
We'd look so chic.
MEN: In! In! In! In! In! In!
FANNY: Davey says it's deadly
to talk about hunting.
LINDA: Of course I won't!
They're intellectuals.
Hello.
Been hunting at all?
Yes, actually.
We were out yesterday.
Good day?
Great.
Actually very.
We found at once and we had a
five-mile point and then we
That's marvellous.
Yes!
Yeah. Well, we had a good day
yesterday too.
Then my first horse went lame.
- Terrible shame.
- Ah, no.
He'd been looking awfully good all year.
- Come on!
- Mmm!
Here they are!
About time! I said one o'clock,
not five past.
(ALL TALK AT ONCE)
TONY: Go and have some of that cheese.
Mummy sent this up.
Talk to that man.
Say something clever.
(LINDA GIGGLES)
Oh
- Hello!
- Hello.
I'm a big fan of Virginia Woolf.
Have you read Orlando?
You look rather like the Bolter.
A sort of Home Counties version.
That's my mother.
I shouldn't think so.
You're much too old to be
a child of the Bolter.
Is she still with her white hunter?
What's all that hair on your nose?
(LAUGHS)
- Oh, my goodness.
- Fanny, is there hair?
(BLOWS)
Yes!
You got away lightly.
(CHEERING)
To the King.
(OTHERS CHEER AND LAUGH)
Drink it up!
Oh Two!
Whoo!
This isn't really enjoyable.
(CHEERING)
A ghastly feeling of guilt is
beginning to give me
a pain rather like indigestion.
Yes, me too.
Every time the door opens,
I'm sure Uncle Matthew's going
to be there cracking his whip.
OK
(CHEERING)
I think we'd better go.
Yes.
(TONY GUFFAWS)
- Shallshall we?
- Yes, I know.
TONY: Come on, baby.
- Going to go?
- Yes.
- (LINDA SOBS)
- FANNY: Oh, shush now.
You poor darling.
But you know that you have to
kiss a lot of frogs
before you find your prince
of Wales!
(SOBBING CONTINUES)
Oh, Fanny
Fanny, help.
Love has increased threefold
in one short day.
But why?
(SOBBING) I love him!
Oh, Linda, why?
Linda!
Linda!
UNCLE MATTHEW: Linda!
Linda!
I have received a phone call
telling me
that someone has left a scarf
in Tony Kroesig's rooms at Oxford.
Now we know -
you're not to be trusted.
So we'll have to take certain steps.
Fanny, you will go straight home.
Emily cantry to control you
in the future, if she can.
But you'll go the same way
as your mother, the Bolter,
as sure as eggs is eggs.
Fa, you can't keep us
locked up for ever -
we're practically middle-aged women!
Don't interrupt your father.
Fanny is a scarlet woman -
that's what we'd have
called her in the old days.
I didn't even want to go.
And as for you, miss,
you're worse! Worse than
the Bolter! Imagine that!
Please stop it
about the Bolter.
- No-one here is like her.
- It's all unfair
because I always feel like
I'm the terrible person,
and then Linda always seems so Innocent.
I blame that depraved sewer Merlin.
LINDA: Merlin's not depraved!
He travels abroad and reads books
and is sophisticated.
- Travels abroad?
- Yes, and his house
is beautiful and comfortable and warm,
a place to live in, and not
some freezing medieval fortress
to rush out from
and kill things all day.
I can't sit in a cupboard with Fanny
for the rest of my life!
Well, you won't have to,
cos Fanny's never
coming back here again!
And there can be no question
of a London season how.
- Fa, please!
- No!
We shall have to watch you
every minute of the day in future.
You're damn lucky not to get a thrashing.
Now go to your rooms,
both of you.
And you're not to speak to each other
before Fanny leaves!
Luckily, no-one will give them
a second glance now
with that dreadful hair.
Goodbye, Fanny! Goodbye!
Goodbye, Linda.
Oh, we are unlucky to be us!
Bye, darling!
Of course, we were allowed
a London season.
The English upper-class version
of the puberty ritual
finally happened.
Isn't it lovely
to be lovely us?
We came out into the world -
18 years old and ready for a husband.
Do you get up to Scotland much?
Care for nightclubs?
I say, have you come far?
We met last night
at William Stonor's.
Don't you remember?
No.
Uh
But Linda was still
in her dream of love for Tony.
And Tony was nowhere to be seen.
Oh, what's the point?
I missed my only chance of happiness.
I'm going to be a sour,
wizened-up, toothless old maid
and die in a hole.
Me too.
We'll have each other
to dribble on, at least.
Hello, Linda.
I've been looking everywhere for you.
Really?
Shall I show you the balcony?
Yes.
Hello, darling!
You've got so tall!
Hello, Bolter.
Mummy.
I'm your mummy!
Was that Linda
I just saw you with?
Yes.
Oh, no, it's such a mistake
to be friends with girls
who are more beautiful
than one is, darling.
It's too dispiriting.
Who was she with?
Tony Kroesig.
Tony?! Oh.
That won't last.
I want you to meet
my friend Colin.
He's so nice!
He's here somewhere.
What happened
to your white hunter?
Dead. Shot in the head
during a safari - too sad.
Oh, well, at least
you didn't have to bolt.
(LAUGHS)
Yeah, no.
Yes, for once! (LAUGHS)
First one I lost respectably -
to death.
Oh, Fanny, dear,
you're very funny.
I'm going to go and fetch
lovely Colin for you to meet.
D'ye ken John Peel
with his coat so gay?
D'ye ken John Peel
at the break o' the day?
D'ye ken John Peel
when he's far, far away ♪
Oh, darling Colin,
everything about you is heaven.
I just want to spend
the whole night with you!
Goodness, let's!
For the sound of his horn ♪
Come on, let's get out of here.
And the cry of his hounds
which he oft times led
Peel's "view, halloo"
could awaken the dead
Or the fox from his lair
in the morning
Yes, I ken John Peel and Ruby too
Ranter and Royal and Bellman so true
From the drag to the chase
From the chase to the view
From a view to the death
in the morning. ♪
(GIGGLES SOFTLY)
(TENDERLY)
"Darling, I'm your mummy."
(CARELESSLY)
"Darling, I'm your mummy."
(LINDA YAWNS)
UNCLE MATTHEW: That bloody Hun
Kroesig has just telephoned.
He wanted to speak to you, Linda.
I told him to get the hell out of here -
I don't want you mixed up
with any Germans,
do you understand?
Well, I am mixed up.
As it happens,
I'm engaged to him.
(GASPS)
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
What did you?
Come here!
What did you?
Come here, you!
Come here!
What did you say?
How dare you!
What did you say?
What are you doing?
She just said she's engaged!
(PANTS)
It wasn't just Uncle Matthew
who opposed the engagement.
Tony is Bottom
to Linda's Titania, isn't he?
DAVEY: He's ghastly.
A frightful Counter Hon.
Nothing will wake her up.
No. Not before it's too late.
Poor Linda.
She has an intensely romantic character,
which is fatal for a woman.
And also what makes her
so completely irresistible.
Fortunately, most women
are madly matter of fact,
otherwise, the world
could hardly carry on.
What am I, Davey?
You're you, Fanny.
You'll be all right.
Hmm.
Lord Merlin was braver
than the rest of us.
Are you pleased
- about my engagement?
- No, of course not.
Why are you doing it?
I'm in love.
And what makes you think so?
One doesn't think,
one knows.
Oh, fiddlesticks!
Well!
(LAUGHS) You evidently don't
understand a thing about love.
So what's the use
in talking to you?
Love is for grown-ups,
as you'll discover one day.
You'll also discover
that it's got nothing to do
with marriage.
I'm all in favour of you marrying,
if you so wish,
but for God's sake,
not to a bore like Tony Kroesig!
He's your friend.
If he's such a bore,
why would you bring him to my party?
I can't guess that you'll go
and marry every stopgap
that comes to stay at my house!
(GASPS)
(PAPER RUSTLES)
(TOILET FLUSHES)
LINDA: Can't think why Merlin
says he's such a bore.
Tony knows everything.
Well, yes, that's exactly it,
he does.
At least he thinks he does.
(TOILET FLUSHES)
Oh, bother Merlin.
You know,
I'm starting to think that Fa
was right about him all along.
He is a little depraved.
Don't you think?
(GASPS)
I'm afraid I have to make
Lavender Davis chief bridesmaid.
But you'll be second.
She's Tony's cousin.
And she is responsible for us
getting together, after all.
Well, only most unwittingly.
Unwittingly or wittingly,
what does it matter?
(CLEARS HER THROAT)
Um
Would you take my flowers for me?
Take my flowers for me,
would you? Oh!
- Oh, hello, Fanny, darling.
- Come and have a champagne!
Oh, I'm so sorry!
- Excuse me. Sorry.
- No, I'm sorry. Excuse me.
- This
- There you are.
- Yes, thank you.
- That's all right.
Are you one of those
bright young things?
Oh, I don't know.
Would you like me to be?
Not particularly.
- So, uh
- LINDA: Fanny!
- Yes?
- MAN: Let's talk about
GUEST: It's time,
everyone's sitting down.
(CLEARS HER THROAT) Yes,
can we just, um, chat, Fanny?
Well, we will later - you have
to say hello to everyone.
(GROANS)
Come on!
Get in!
Well
What do you think?
It's better than Louisa's,
isn't it?
There's that at least.
TONY: I say,
has anyone seen Linda?
- Shh, shh, shh!
- I need to start my speech.
Darling, you'd better get out
and be the bride.
I know, I know.
Can we just stay
for a second longer
and justchat and catch up?
Your train's poking out -
it's going to be quite obvious
you're in here.
Darling,
in my bitter determination to grow up
I'd forgotten we'd have
to stop being children.
Yes, there is that.
Can we still be toothless
old maids together?
Not really -
you just got married!
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
Oh, dear.
I'm feeling a bit lost.
Oh.
Are there really to be
no more Christmases
at Alconleigh?
AUNT SADIE: Linda!
Get out of there at once!
Tony's about to make his speech.
Ah, there she is.
Speak of the devil.
Come on, girl, get over here.
(WHISPERS) Go on.
(WHISPERS) I love you.
Er, when I first met Linda,
she told me she was an Honourable,
the daughter of a baron,
spoke fluent French
and rode to hounds with the Bicester.
And I knew, right off the bat,
she was hellbent on marrying me.
(TRICKLE OF LAUGHTER)
Despite all that,
I still managed to fall for her!
(LAUGHTER)
Erm, you see, I think what
what sealed the deal,
as we say in banking
(VOICE FADES)