The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City (2020) s01e01 Episode Script

1
Salt Lake City, Utah, is known
for its magnificent mountains
and world-class ski slopes.
Whoo!
-Excuse me! I'm here.
-Oh!
[gasps] I'm excited.
-There's also
-Darling.
-an elite social circle
-Aah!
This is Hollywood. Gorgeous.
fueled by beauty, wealth,
and perfection.
You can't buy the tits.
My plastic surgeon retired.
Yeah. [laughs]
But what Salt Lake City
is most known for
is the Mormon Church.
Quick lesson on how to be
a good Mormon
don't drink, don't swear,
treat your body like a temple.
It is so hard to be
a good Mormon.
-[bell tolls]
-To be Mormon,
we are taught honesty
and integrity.
You're fake. You're phony.
That right there
was unkind and dismissive.
Fidelity within marriage.
You would never hand me
your phone.
It's inappropriate, and it's wrong.
And most importantly,
to watch for sin.
You're gonna go with Mary,
who [bleep] her grandfather?
You think you know who we are,
but you are wrong.
-Own it!
-I did say that!
If you cannot be accountable,
we cannot be friends!
Someone comes at me like that, I'm ready
to [bleep] punch you in the face.
Can we just start over?
In this town,
I'm Queen Bee and MVP.
When you take cheap shots,
always expect a hangover.
This rose isn't scared
to handle a little prick.
Jealousy is a disease
to which I say, "Get well soon."
I love God, but I will read you
like a scripture.
Just like my pioneer ancestors,
I'm trying to blaze a new trail.
[wind whistling]
[husband] All right, folks,
this food is done.
Honey, where you at, baby?
Babe, did you call me?
-Yes, baby.
-Hi. What are you cooking?
Everything.
Muffins, croissants, turkey sausage.
What do you want help with?
Just be beautiful. That's enough.
-[Jen] Mmm. What is this?
-Egg whites for the boys.
Omar, Reefy! Oh, good,
you cooked more eggs, 'cause
-Hey!
-Hi, baby.
Hi.
I moved to Utah when I was
about six, seven years old.
I'm originally from Hawaii,
so I'm Tongan and Hawaiian
and a little bit of Chinese,
but people in Utah have no clue
what I am.
In Utah, I'm Black.
Because they don't know any better.
Give me a bigger hug.
He hug you too tight,
he gon' break you.
Oh, he's not gonna break me.
[Jen] My husband is a football coach
at the University of Utah.
I think it takes a certain somebody
to be a coach's wife.
Most of the time,
he is 5:00 a.m. out the door
and midnight at home.
It's like a FaceTime marriage
if that was a thing.
Reefy, how's your training
and stuff going?
I just got my Advanced
Cardiovascular Life Support
-Wow.
-license.
Closer to getting a job.
Get a job.
-Get a job.
-[laughs]
Mom said she didn't want that.
I don't want him to work.
I want him to focus on
-No.
-applying to medical school.
We first met in college.
[Sharrieff]
We had a class together.
I saw her.
My heart stops immediately.
I walk up to her.
"Is that seat taken?"
She looks at me like,
"There's nobody there. I guess not."
That's how we met.
That's exactly how we met.
After that [whistles]
But that's how we started.
-[Jen] Omar, how's school?
-Good.
-How's your classes?
-All good.
-I know you have a girlfriend.
-What did you say? He has a girlfriend?
-I didn't say that.
-No, not a girlfriend.
-You got a girlfriend?
-No, sir.
-Exactly right.
-Do you like any girls?
My husband Sharrieff is Muslim,
but I was raised Mormon,
and that's all I knew
until five years into my marriage,
"Hey, Sharrieff,
why don't you convert to Mormonism?"
And he was like,
"Are you kidding me?"
They didn't accept Black people
into the Mormon Church
until, like, 1970-something.
That's when I started questioning,
you know what?
I cannot sign up for a religion
that didn't accept my husband
and my kids.
That's when I was like, okay,
I'm converting to Islam.
Assalamu Alaikum, bitches!
[laughs]
[telephone rings]
[man] Thank you for calling
Beauty Lab + Laser. This is Nick.
-Hi, fam.
-What's up, partner?
How's biz?
-Biz is good.
-Crazy.
[telephone rings]
Gosh, just making money.
I have lived in Utah
since I was 15 years old.
The Mormon culture believes
we can be perfect.
Perfection is attainable.
That's what Mormon doctrine says.
Because Salt Lake City
is the capital of Mormonism,
I decided to open
Beauty Lab + Laser.
Majority of our clients
have Mormon backgrounds
or are active Mormon women.
It's like putting your hand
in a river of money,
because attaining perfection
is a Mormon pastime.
We started from nothing,
and now we're valued
at over $20 million.
-Hi, Mom! Hey, guys.
-Hi!
Perfect timing. Hi. How are you?
I'm good. How are you?
-Hi, Mom.
-Busy day?
-Yes, always.
-Good.
I am a purebred, pedigreed,
pioneer Mormon.
My ancestors came
across the plains as pioneers.
They settled American Fork, Utah,
and Plain City, Utah.
I married a Mormon man.
I had three Mormon daughters.
Every descendant in our line is Mormon.
-Hi!
-Hi!
-I brought some greasy-faced monkeys.
-Yay! Hey, guys.
Do you wanna go over here,
or do you wanna
-I can go to this one.
-Okay.
The family that facials together
stays together.
I married into a family
of extreme wealth.
Howard Hughes comes in,
hires my grandfather-in-law
as his driver and henchman.
Howard Hughes loved the Mormons,
and when he passed,
the Gay family inherited
a huge portion of his estate.
The Gay family is worth billions.
So I basically married
into Mormon royalty,
but it all came crashing down
when we got divorced five years ago.
In the Mormon Church,
divorce is not an option.
Are you excited
for your birthday, Georgia?
Yes, I'm so excited.
-It's gonna be so fun.
-14 years old.
[Georgia] Any advice for 14?
Yeah, stop FaceTiming boys
late at night.
In my personal experience,
a good Mormon doesn't drink,
doesn't smoke, doesn't have sex,
doesn't swear.
I've tried not to drink, smoke, swear.
Love rap music, love Black men,
love homosexuals.
Like, all the things that
I love and gravitate to
are not in alliance
with a good Mormon woman.
I want you to experiment
and own your bodies,
-but I'm not gonna let you drown.
-[Georgia] Thanks, Mom.
I'm not.
Anabelle's asleep.
[daughters laughing]
-[boy] Mom, Dad?
-[mother] Yeah?
-Are you guys ready?
-[mother] Yeah, are you ready?
I've been ready for the past
15 minutes. Let's go.
Okay. Let me get my shoes. Seth?
You have high-heeled boots
for hiking?
[Meredith]
These are not high heels.
It's like an inch.
They're snow boots.
I feel like those are for Aspen,
not Park City.
Okay, I'm very happy
with my boots, so
-What a lovely day in Park City.
-Gorgeous day.
Look at the clouds. It's so pretty.
How long are we hiking?
Are you already starting
with "How long"
-I just wanna know.
-before we've started?
I like a business plan.
We'll do whatever makes you happy.
Please.
Wait. Look at all these cows.
Remember we were so afraid
of the wild animals?
-I still am.
-I love it.
We first moved to Utah
about seven years ago
for Seth's work,
and for the last few years,
we have been here part-time.
You guys raised me as a city child.
I never lived even in a suburb
in my whole life.
You were in a high-rise, weren't you?
-Yeah, of course.
-Yeah.
[Meredith]
Being Jewish and from Chicago,
I was apprehensive
to make the move.
Utah has a certain
underlying level of kindness,
at least on the front,
that you will get.
You don't get that in Chicago.
[laughs] You do not get that
in Chicago.
It definitely is a calm place for me.
Seth and I have been married
for 24 years.
We have three incredible children.
Reid is 23, Chloe is 18,
and Brooks, who's 21,
is taking a semester off of college
and living at home with me.
-Dad, how long are you here?
-I'm outta here tomorrow.
-You leave tomorrow?
-Yeah.
That was so fast.
Trying to build a business,
you gotta take some time
to feed your soul, charge the batteries,
but not a minute longer.
Seth is living in Chicago
for business,
but I need to be in Utah for my store
and for my jewelry design business.
The busiest season for my store
is from mid-December
through the end of March.
We have a large celebrity following
Charlize Theron,
Scarlett Johansson, Rihanna.
The list goes on and on.
Where should I pull up?
[Brooks] Are we here?
[Seth] Make sure you keep talking
because wildlife does not like noise.
[Meredith]
Usually, you bring a speaker.
-I can also do a capella.
-Oh, I would love that.
What do you guys want?
'80s? '90s?
[Brooks] Silence.
[Meredith] What's going on in Chicago?
[Seth] Chasing a whale.
I'd love to be out here more,
but this is a once-in-a-lifetime deal.
You can never have enough wealth,
and you can never have enough sex.
I'm probably doing much better
on the wealth side.
I'm totally overworked and undersexed.
Okay. That's not
That's not even funny.
That's not nice.
It's true. We're gonna be truthful.
-Oh.
-Oh, wow, look at that.
That's, like, a bear.
-What is that?
-[Seth] That is not human.
-Look at the size of that.
-Oh, my God.
That's a large animal, whatever it is.
If you get a picture of it
attacking Brooks,
that would go viral.
-What is wrong with you?
-That's disgusting.
You want more followers?
-Okay
-Not at the expense of my life.
-[laughs]
-I think I've had enough.
Henry, oh, my goodness.
Come here.
You gotta get up soon, 'kay?
Do you want five more minutes?
Do you want me to pick out
your clothes?
-[whimpers] No.
-No?
Okay, I'm gonna let you go
five more minutes, 'kay?
[singsongy] Good morning.
[boy mutters]
[laughs]
Jack, are you kidding?
Okay, oh, you have
the worst hair and breath.
John? Where are you?
-Come here.
-[barking]
I feel like Kendle should be
wearing an outfit to go out.
It's too cold, literally.
-Let's put her in a sweater.
-[dog whimpers]
I am originally from New York.
When I graduated from high school,
my parents said, "You need to get out."
So I came to Utah to go to school.
I was not born into any religion.
We are Jewish by heritage,
Mormon by choice.
My mom has a strong love of God
and wanted that
in the lives of her children,
so when the Mormon missionaries
knocked on our door,
she literally was like,
"I've been praying for you."
John, I love her in this outfit.
I feel like it depresses her,
but she looks so cute. Paw?
[Lisa]
I met John through my older sister.
They served in LDS mission together.
-You'll get a treat.
-She doesn't.
Oh, my gosh. She looks cute.
I think my sister might have
even had a crush on John,
which I can't blame her.
We have been married for 16 years,
and John and I have two
amazing boys, Jack and Henry.
-I'll be back in a sec.
-Okay.
[knock on door]
Jack, are you good?
-[Jack] Yeah.
-Okay.
I own a luxury marketing company,
and in addition to that,
my husband and I own
multiple liquor brands.
You've probably heard of a few.
We own VIDA Tequila,
Ciudad Tequila, Hola Tequila,
and we're currently making a vodka.
I'm sure other Mormons care
that I own a tequila company.
What's important is that I don't.
-Let's go. Come on.
-[Jack] Yeah.
[Lisa] I need a Diet Coke from Sonic.
I want you to pay attention.
-I'm gonna get two new tattoos.
-Oh, my gosh. I hate you.
I'm gonna do a gorilla and a wolf.
No, are you insane?
Dad, can we just get food?
-We're almost there.
-Yeah.
I want Taco Bell.
A Baja Blast, Nacho Fries,
and a Cheesy Gordita Crunch.
-You want Wendy's?
-[Jack] Yeah.
I'm gonna get the churro
cinnamon.
-What do you want?
-Pink frosting.
Let Mommy have a cookie.
[laughs]
This is so good.
We're not traditional parents.
I don't cook. I don't make them
breakfast in the morning.
I think we've sat at the dinner table
10 times in our whole life.
I'm not gonna change for anybody.
I like the way I am.
Just don't spill, 'kay?
And don't wipe your hands on the seats.
Oh, those look so good!
-Hi!
-Hi, Jen.
-How are you?
-How are you?
-Good.
-Got some champs for you.
We usually have whiskey, but
-Look at this jacket.
-champs will do today.
[Jen] Where's Heather?
She said she'd be here
for my appointment.
Heather and I have known
each other a few years.
The first time I met Heather,
she's spittin' rap lyrics,
and I'm like, "Wait, what?"
You had me at "hello."
I love her.
-I heard we're a little sweaty.
-My armpits are sweaty.
I can't have that
when I'm lifting my arm up.
No, I cannot have you sweaty at all.
We're gonna do
a little Botox in your armpits.
It's gonna be amazing.
-[Heather] What's up, Boo Boo?
-Heather.
-Yeah. Oh.
-We're about to do this.
You wanna hand hold?
Don't blind me with your bling.
-Here we go.
-It hurts. I've had it done.
-It doesn't hurt me.
-She's a rock star.
Jen is the type that wants to try
all the latest, greatest procedures.
I wanna do my knees.
Okay, I would do it right here.
'Cause that way it'll pull from the top.
-I invented a new procedure.
-What is it?
The fat blast shot and CoolSculpting.
-It's a combo.
-You do it when you CoolSculpt.
Like burgers and fries.
Jen, we're all done.
See you next time.
-When will this kick in?
-One to two weeks.
If we don't have it available,
she'll point out
that Beauty Lab needs to get on it.
Toast to no more sweats.
No more sweat. Cheers.
-Mmm! Okay, really quick.
-Love your Versace.
-What's up?
-Okay.
Meredith's birthday's coming up.
She's been super stressed out.
We spent some time together
in New York.
And I was like, "Oh, my gosh.
We need to do something
for your birthday."
-For sure.
-So what if we transform
Shah ski chalet
Into Studio 54. [laughs]
With hot male strippers.
I'm sorry
Don't you think
that would be so hilarious?
You think that's what Meredith
would want?
That sounds like a party for me.
Meredith is very refined and elegant.
And strippers dangling
their junk in her face
doesn't seem like her vibe.
This is a great idea.
-Bring it.
-[laughs]
Bobbi, come help me
put my shoes on.
Will you bring them to me?
I'm gonna be Bridezilla today.
-What do you think of my dress?
-I love it.
Growing up in Utah, I wanted
the fairy tale Mormon wedding
the beautiful dress
with the flowers,
surrounded by my friends and family.
Let's do this.
[strings playing "Bridal Chorus"]
Whoo!
Justin and Whitney,
we take delight in sharing today's
very special occasion with you.
You've shared the joys, blessings,
and, yes, the challenges
of married life for 10 years.
[record needle scratches]
When I married Justin,
I was five months pregnant,
wearing my high school prom dress,
standing in front of about 50 people
who didn't want us to be together.
May this ceremony, renewing your vows,
heighten your joy in living.
Justin is 18 years older than me.
Ten years ago,
you rocked my world.
You challenged me
to think for myself.
When we met, we worked together,
so we had this hot office romance
that we were trying
to hide from everyone,
because we were both married
to other people.
Together, we've experienced
the highest of highs.
We've experienced
the lowest of lows.
Whitney and I are cousins.
She fell in love with Justin.
They had this illicit, torrid affair,
and as a result, they were both
excommunicated from the Church.
I come from a long line of Mormonism.
In fact,
my fourth great-grandfather,
Shadrach Roundy,
was the bodyguard
to Joseph Smith and Brigham Young,
so he's a hero
in the Mormon community
because he protected the Prophet.
So you could say it is a very big deal
that I'm no longer Mormon.
But through it all,
I'm the luckiest person alive
to be married
to Whitney [bleep] Rose.
[cheers and applause]
[Whitney] Let's go.
-Let's party.
-[guest] Whoo!
-You guys, we did it. [laughs]
-We did it!
You ready to party?
Thank you so much for coming.
Congratulations.
You look gorgeous.
I need to apologize.
'Cause I don't think I thought
you'd be here ten years from now
when I went to your first wedding.
-I really appreciate that.
-I love you. I'm sorry.
When Justin and I
first got together,
our friends and family
turned their back.
We're gonna cut the cake.
-Okay.
-Ten years later,
they're starting
to come back around.
It makes me feel both
resentful and happy
because why the [bleep]
did it take 10 years?
Get me out of this dress.
What should I put on?
You need something you can dance in.
I can see you itching.
If I had to choose everything
I went through to be with Justin,
all of the judgment,
all of the criticism, all the pain
-All right!
-Whoo!
I would do it again
because my life is so full.
Yeah!
We're still standing, bitches.
[laughs]
-[Heather] I'm losing my mind!
-[cheering]
-Claudia.
-Hi, Meredith.
There are some cucumbers
and carrots
in the bags in the refrigerator.
Let's add those on to here.
[knock on door]
-Knock, knock.
-Hi!
-Hey.
-How are you?
-Good.
-Oh, my God.
-I'm so happy you're here.
-I know. Me, too.
-Oh, lipstick.
-That's what good friends do.
Yes.
Lisa and I were set up
on a friendship blind date,
when I first moved to Utah.
She was very late.
She's a Sagittarius.
I thought she would be late, too.
We were there
for hours and hours.
Everybody thinks Meredith and I
look alike.
I think it's our hair color,
our skin color,
even our mannerisms.
[both laugh]
I take it as a compliment.
-Is Jen coming over?
-Yeah, Jen's coming, too.
My God.
Hi.
-Hi.
-Come in.
-Jen?
-[gasps]
-Oh, my Sorry, Mer.
-Hello!
-I wore my snowshoes.
-Yeah, you did.
-[laughs]
-Oh, my gosh. Hi.
I met Lisa Barlow a couple years ago
at a Sundance Film Festival event.
People call me the Sundance Queen.
If you wanna get into a party
at Sundance,
you gotta kiss the ring,
the Lisa Barlow ring.
-We need to do a toast.
-Yes!
Happy birthday week, ladies.
-Whoo! Thank you.
-I love it.
I met Jen a little bit over a year ago
at a party in Salt Lake.
My first impression of Meredith,
I'm not gonna lie
[in haughty voice]
"Hello. Oh. How are you?
She is a feisty one.
"I dress all the celebrities."
I'm so excited for Saturday.
Is it, like, a big party?
Are we thinking something small
with us, intimate?
No, itit's just a small
girls' gathering for cocktails.
What happened with the ice sculpture?
We're gonna do the big diamond
on a pedestal.
How tall is this cake?
-It's gonna be
-Three feet? Five feet?
Three feet.
What is the dress code for our servers?
No shirt, tight tuxedo pants.
They're gonna be oiled up.
Super intimate.
[laughter]
Your face.
-I die.
-So low-key.
I went to lunch last week
with Heather.
I didn't know you guys
had known each other
or gone to school and knew
each other for 20 years.
Kind of. I really don't
remember her from school.
You don't remember her?
-I was like, I didn't know that.
-I don't remember her.
-Hey, girl.
-Hi, babe.
It's so crazy with Lisa because
we went to college together.
We've known each other for 20 years
and just, like, years of history.
Years.
I always lived off campus,
but I used to hear stories.
I think she was the one that was like,
"Honor Code what?" [laughs]
Honor Code like
Like titty flash?
-Don't drink, don't whatever.
-She was like, whoo!
Like, she was fun.
If I say I know someone,
and they're like,
"I don't know that bitch,"
that's offensive.
I would be pissed off.
She remembered you.
I guess we have different recollections.
Yup.
Mary.
I was freezing from walking in.
-Like that? And my skirt?
-Yeah.
Oh, my God.
Are your leggings yellow?
Yes.
-You have to teach me your ways.
-You have to get 'em. I will. I will.
I met Mary a few years ago
through her cousin.
She's not like anyone
I've ever met.
When I was little, my grandma was like,
"Mary, you don't have to say
everything you think."
She says anything.
There's no filter.
If I said it, I said it.
Even if it's not good, I said it.
She is fabulous and always
dressed to the nines.
In fact, I'm not sure
I've ever seen her not dressed up.
I love this jacket
'cause it makes me happy,
not because it's Dolce & Gabbana.
Ladies, still need a moment
with the drink menu?
What's your driest Chardonnay?
Driest Chardonnay's
probably gonna be the Selby.
-I'll try that.
-Okay.
-I'm not drinking.
-Are you gonna drink?
I just want brussels sprouts
and crab cakes.
-[server] For you, ma'am?
-I'm gonna do the avocado tacos.
-Avocado tacos. Perfect.
-Thank you.
-What's up with you?
-Just had the vow renewal.
-Oh, you did?
-Yes.
-I bet that was beautiful.
-It was awesome.
What made you
Your 10-year anniversary
-Yeah.
-I've been married 21 years, so I know.
Everyone in Salt Lake City
knows the story
about Mary and her step-grandfather.
We were kind of, uh,
kind of, uh, I would say
arranged marriage type
It was in my grandma's will
for us to marry.
She said, "If anything
ever happens to me, Bobby,
I want you to marry one of my girls
because they'll look out for you."
We're blessed to this day because of it.
I don't give a [bleep]
if it's your biological grandpa,
step-grandpa, [bleep] weird, okay?
I love my grandpas, but I would
not want to be married to them.
Mormons have a lot of latitude
for a lot of weird [bleep].
They'll get over it. Just digest it.
-[plate clanks]
-Thank you.
Those look good.
I've never had those.
Thank you.
For the holiday season,
what's going on in the church?
The choir sings carols, and I'll
have to do a Christmas sermon
of what I think Christmas is about.
-Yeah.
-And I think that
Christmas should be Christ-mas.
-Christ-mas.
-And [laughs]
I am not Mormon.
I'm actually Pentecostal.
I am the First Lady of our church.
It's called Faith Temple,
and it was inherited
through my grandmother.
Have Your way, God.
Have Your way!
You'll love it. You have to come.
-I know your story's a little different.
-I don't have religion in my life.
I try to stay away,
but I'll come to your service.
Yeah. You should come.
It's just, I believe
in every bit of what I say.
Check in really quick.
I got a text from Jen.
She's throwing this party for Meredith.
-Um
-She won't invite me.
Why don't you think
you'd be invited?
Um, she brought up that
I talked about her really bad,
that she smelled like hospital.
So Jen and I used to be good
until I said it smelled like hospital.
I said, "I have a very sensitive smell
for hospitals,"
and it takes me to a very dark place.
I could smell it anywhere.
I was at a restaurant one night,
and we're all meeting up,
and we were waiting for Jen.
She came into the restaurant,
and she, like, hugged me
and laid it all on me, and I
I was like [gags]
trying to keep my composure,
at the same time trying not
to let her know I'm sensitive
I can't That smell will
I'm with my aunt at the hospital all week,
who's like my mother to me.
We find out she has to get
both legs amputated.
Mary knew what I was dealing with.
For her to say those comments to me,
you're just flat out being mean.
And it also brings back
a dark place in my mind.
If I see something,
I think something, I say it.
So that's why I told you,
I'm not getting invited.
I don't even care.
Like, I just don't.
I wasn't supposed to mention it
to anyone.
Oh, you wasn't? [laughs]
Check your phone.
See if you got a text from Jen.
Yep. I did.
I'm really surprised she invited me.
I honestly did not want to invite Mary
to the birthday party
because it's at my house.
I'm hosting it, but Meredith
gave me her invite list,
and Mary's on it.
See, you were invited.
[laughs] I knew better.
[reverse alert beeping]
[horn honks]
I think she had a better attitude.
Where is everybody? Oh, my God.
I feel we need to get
this couch up there first.
If it's easier in the garage,
do the garage.
-Somebody help him.
-I got it.
-What is going on?
-[singsongy] Hey.
I just parked, like, seven miles.
You need help?
Yes, I need help.
My finger's, like, cramping.
-What's freaking going on?
-We're preparing.
-Is this all for the party?
-Yes. I hope you're ready.
I'm not ready for this.
[Heather] Oh, my gosh. Girl.
This is not a party.
This is, like, inauguration.
What are we gonna do in June
when it's my birthday?
-I need to fan myself.
-Feeling stressed?
If this is you stressed,
it's working for you.
Fan me. You're gonna do this.
Every party you have is amaze.
How did, um, drinks go last night
with Lise and Meredith?
Lisa's like
Young and the Restless, right?
So I'm making small talk and I'm like,
"I had lunch with Heather.
I didn't know that you guys
have known each other for"
-"My best friend. I love her so much."
-Twenty years.
"She's the coolest girl ever."
-I'm sure that's what she said.
-It was the complete opposite.
Really?
She was like, "Oh, we went to school."
She's like, "But I didn't
really know her then."
She made it sound like
she didn't really, like
-Know me.
-Yeah.
Not like now, but from school.
You know how they say it.
I'm not significant enough
to be remembered or be a factor.
That's what I always feel from her,
just, like, this dismissal.
It was like, "Oh, I don't remember."
"I don't really remember her.
What was her name?
No, no memory.
No memory at all."
-[laughs]
-"I was amazing.
All my friends were amazing.
I don't remember her."
Saying she doesn't remember me
from college
is just a weird thing to lie about.
I'm not really, like, cool enough?
I definitely think Lisa thinks
she's better than me,
like she's ashamed to be my friend.
"I don't know you.
You're not part of my circle."
And it's a diss, and she's doing that
because she's a bitch.
"Wait. The only thing I remember is
Heather was like the good-time girl.
She was like, 'Whoo!'"
That's what she said she does remember.
That is a complete lie and a dig.
That's "Girls Gone Wild."
That's a very, like,
everyone knows what
flashing your titties means.
It means, "She got around."
If I'd gotten around in college,
I would not have ended up
married with three kids and divorced.
You didn't have sex in college.
I was a virgin when I got married.
So "good-time girl"?
Tits flashing got me nowhere.
-It didn't do anything.
-It just makes me mad
because I would have loved to have been
a good-time girl in college.
That's my dream to go back,
go to a real school,
go to a real sorority,
and be a good-time girl,
and I'll flash my tits
to whoever wants to look at 'em.
For Lisa to accuse me
of flashing people at BYU
is deeply offensive
because in order to even attend BYU,
I had to sign an Honor Code
that I wouldn't drink, wouldn't smoke.
All of that was for nothing
with Lisa's lies.
I just wanna hold her accountable
for saying, "You're like a sister to me."
"Excuse me," you know,
"have to go sell some more tequila
that I don't drink."
-She's Mormon 2.0.
-Own her [bleep].
It's because she's Mormon 2.0.
Oh, whatever.
She's Mormon bull[bleep].
[laughs]
Oh, you guys, this is perfect.
This is exactly what I wanted
the red carpet tunnel.
-Ooh.
-Do you like this?
-This is much better.
-Okay.
I know you hate me,
but you actually love me.
Brooks, could you come
zip my dress, please?
-Oh, my God.
-[laughs]
This looks so good.
-Happy birthday.
-I love you so much. Thank you.
[horn honks]
Party every day
Party, party every day ♪
Like to party every day
Party, party every day ♪
Party every day ♪
Party, party
Every day, day, day ♪
-[glasses clink]
-Cheers, beauties.
[indistinct conversations]
You're as soft as what we said.
-I heard that.
-Meow meow.
Party every day ♪
Oh, hi! You people, hi.
-Care for some champagne?
-You look great. Thank you.
Looks great. What's your name?
-Brandon.
-Hi, Brandon. I'm Heather.
Nice to meet you.
Though Salt Lake City
is the capital of Mormonism,
alcohol can be free-flowing at parties,
and you'll just have Mormons
hiding in the corners
drinking and not telling anyone,
and you'll have non-Mormons
excited about an open bar
lining up for their next hit.
[singsongy] Miss Jen.
-I'm freaking out.
-Salt.
It's amazing. This is fantastic.
Look at you.
[gasps] Who is it?
Uh-oh!
Happy birthday to ♪
You? Wait.
My birthday was in October,
but this is my birthday.
-We didn't celebrate.
-Jen, no, no.
It's actually Meredith's birthday.
This was your birthday party.
It's Ms. Shah's party
but not her birthday.
No, no, no. [laughs] Oh, shiz.
Oh, my gosh.
-Help yourself.
-Thank you.
-No problem. Welcome.
-Oh, my gosh. So cute.
Hey, how are you?
Wow! [laughs]
Well, hello. [laughs]
Welcome. Help yourself.
[singsongy] Mary.
-How's everything going?
-Good.
-Hi!
-Well, hello.
Did you already say hi to Jen?
-I haven't. Where is she?
-Jen's still getting ready.
Wow. [laughs]
Yes, it's my birthday,
but the reality of it is
I knew this wasn't a party for me.
Hello!
-[singsongy] Hello!
-Hi!
-How are you?
-Happy birthday.
-Thank you.
-Look how fabulous.
You match the décor, like, perfectly.
You know, it's my brand color.
Thank you.
-So fabulous.
-Hi.
It's good to see you.
-Is Seth coming?
-No, he's in Chicago for work.
Justin would never miss my birthday.
I wouldn't allow him
to miss my birthday.
[clicks teeth,
makes whipping sound]
-Cheers to us.
-Cheers.
Mmm. So wait.
Where is our host at?
She's still getting ready.
Yeah. [blows air]
[blows air]
-Is there food-food?
-I hope so.
-I want food. I wanna eat.
-I know.
Looks like there's some appetizers.
Those guys are naked.
We don't want pubic hair in our food.
I'm kidding.
I'm eating a lollipop.
How many licks does it take?
-[gasps]
-Oh, my gosh.
Ohh.
Bitches, get ready to party.
Hey.
The real Jen Shah is here!
-Hi!
-It's my girl!
-[cheering]
-Jen Shah!
Welcome to the party, babe!
-I love it!
-Aah!
I would never make
a grand entrance
at a party I'm throwing
for someone else.
Oh, my gosh, I love it.
It should be about the person
you're throwing the party for.
We have a special surprise all the way
from the Polynesian islands.
Ladies, make way for the dancers.
[cheering]
Jen! Oh, my gosh!
[cheering]
-Look at this!
-Whoo!
I flew in dancers from Tonga
because I wanted to
incorporate my heritage.
[interviewer] What do Tongan dancers
have to do with Meredith?
Tongan dancers
have nothing to do with Meredith
but everything to do with me.
[cheers and applause]
-Hi, girly.
-Hello there.
-How's everything?
-Hi, honey.
-Hey.
-Good to see you.
Okay.
-I was gonna go in for a hug.
-Did Lisa just blow me off?
-Hi!
-Hi!
-Hey.
-How's it going?
-Good to see you.
-Great.
I definitely think Lisa thinks
she's better than me.
It's dismissive,
and it makes me question,
Is it because I'm divorced?
Because I don't fit the mold?
Is it because Lisa's only friends
with, like, perfect Mormons?
Whoo!
Aah!
Good to meet you. I'd shake your hand,
but I spilled tequila all over it.
What's Miss Thing doing over here?
-Oh, Mary.
-There's a crack.
Okay. Don't let me fall in it.
-So
-Is this Valentino?
-Mm-hmm.
-Of course it is.
No, I knew it was.
But no, I wanted to
So, are we good?
That's what I wanted to ask you.
We talked, and I told you
about my aunt.
I have a bad, dark place
going to hospitals.
I told you I had 12 surgeries
getting all my
odor glands removed.
The worst experience of my life.
Dark. Very dark.
They lost me twice. Literally,
I was dying on the table two times,
and so that smell
I don't care if I need a nose job,
I am not going to the hospital.
My aunt just got both legs
amputated at the last minute.
So when you said,
"It smells like hospital in here,"
-you were being mean.
-Who did I say that to?
When we were sitting at the table,
me, you, Meredith.
Stuart and Keri were there.
-And I said, "You smell like hospital."
-"It smells like hospital in here."
-I said, "Jen smells like hospital"?
-No. "It smells like hospital.
-Who told you this?
-Keri.
Take accountability
for your words and actions
and apologize to me,
but she can't do it.
-Was Keri there that night?
-Mm-hmm.
And that's why I was hurt.
My aunt just got her legs amputated.
-I never went into the hospital.
-Where's Keri?
That's why I was like,
why are you so mean?
-Being mean?
-This is my nephew.
Is that what you're asking?
When you made the comment.
Why are you saying that?
I'll have one. Thank you.
When did I say this to her?
-We're talking about the mix
-Were you the one that told her
that I said she smelled
like hospital and sick people?
I absolutely did.
-What was your point doing that?
-You said that to me.
I did say that. I sure did say that.
-What was your point?
-She's my best friend.
You smelled like it, too.
I smelled you that night.
So what about it?
I just smelled hospital. That's all.
-It wasn't to be mean.
-What was your point saying that?
-Be quiet.
-[Bleep] off, Mary.
Are you done? You can leave.
You're not even a part of this.
-I am part of it.
-You can excuse yourself.
-[Bleep] off.
-We called her over
because we were all there.
We're not gonna be disrespectful.
-My aunt is like my mother
-What do you want me to do?
Not say, "You smell like hospital"
when she gets both legs amputated.
What do you want me to do
about your aunt? Her legs are gone.
Why are your legs cut off at 60?
That means your diet's bad.
She didn't eat right.
Like, drink water.
Like, okay, forget it.
That hurt me.
I have a dark place with that smell.
I'll be back.
Bitch, don't [bleep] disrespect
my [bleep] family!
This season on The Real Housewives
of Salt Lake City
The culture here in Salt Lake City
is designed to be perfect.
-Feeling like a Ferrari.
-Oh, my God!
Oh, Hallelujah. Oh!
[cheering]
-Cheers.
-Wait.
I'm in the bedroom below you guys,
so if you do have sex
We're observing Mormon laws.
You would never hand me your phone.
-Here we go.
-You're hiding something.
If you're not getting it from home,
you're going somewhere else.
Should you stay married and it's terrible?
100 million percent.
You have a problem with me,
and until you figure out
what I trigger in you, thumbs up.
She's been playing
every single one like a fiddle.
Why would you even do that?
I could have done it!
-We didn't want that to happen!
-She hates my guts.
-Don't wave your finger.
-Don't get ghetto.
-That is ridiculous!
-I'm disengaging.
I hold myself to a high standard.
If you don't want
the same standards, go away.