The Ricky Gervais Show (2010) s01e01 Episode Script

For the past few years ricky gervais, Stephen merchant, and karl pilkington Have been meeting regularly For a series of pointless conversations.
This is one of them.
- Testing.
- Is that all right? Hello and welcome to "the ricky gervais show" With me, ricky gervais, stephen merchant Hello.
-And the little round-headed buffoon That is karl pilkington.
Hi.
Now you probably know me from such works As "the office" and "extras"-- Stephen being my co-writer And co-director on those things.
For those people who are not so aware of karl pilkington, He was our producer sort of given to us When we first started on xfm.
And you're thinking, well, why are we doing a podcast? It's because I like to be in a room with karl pilkington.
You know, like, some people go and help chimps.
- Do they? - Yeah.
They go to the jungles and things.
And help out little endangered species.
Dian fossey or whatever.
You're very much the dian fossey of the manchester scene.
Of the little bald manc world.
And karl pilkington is- is an ongoing experiment for me Because I've seen him blossom from an idiot into an imbecile.
and I want to see it through.
Look at the way he's looking at us.
Look at that-- he's got a perfectly round head And that's why I'm doing this podcast.
Karl, what do you think about all this? Um, it's just, I mean, we are living In that era now, aren't we? Like, you need to be able to listen to stuff on demand when you want it and stuff.
You're not a fan of the ipod in general, are you? Or any of the mp3 things? You're concerned.
Uh I'm warming to it, but-- This is what's amazing about karl.
Even though he's talking about things like mp3 players, Computers, ipods, He sounds like he was found in a glacier and thawed out.
Do you know what I mean? And sort of taught to speak.
We're a couple of high school guys Who found him and we're trying to ingratiate him in the gang, Trying to pass him off as someone from the modern day.
No no, but my thing with ipods is now, do we need them? Do you know what I mean? We're living in the era now where we have invented Most of the stuff that we need.
and now we're just messing about.
They said that in 1900.
Someone actually said, "everything at's To be invented has already been invented.
" They said that in 1900.
And how wrong were they? But what came out-- at what point-- What was invented in that year Where they went, "right, that's it now"? The 20th century.
Think what happened in the 20th century.
Go on.
Well, planes.
Yeah, but is that a good thing-- Planes and that? Do you need a plane, really? Wouldn't it have been better if we all stuck where we should be Instead of traveling about? - Why? - War.
Well, look, war's happening, isn't it? Because everyone's saying, "well, now we can fly.
We'll go over there--" So there were no wars prior to the invention of the airplane? Not like-- not like there is today.
- Right.
But what I'm saying is the more-- The world's got smaller, isn't it? Everyone's saying that, right? - Ricky: Yeah.
You know, the way I was saying to you the other day, Uh, you know, we now go to places where we shouldn't go.
People go on holiday to places where You've gotta have an injection before you go there.
Forget it then.
That's a warning.
- Don't go there.
- I'm with you on that.
I don't want to enter a country where I have to have an injection To stop me from dying while I'm in that country.
- I totally agree with you on that.
- So what happened is-- So they invented the plane and it's like, "let's go on holiday.
" And they go, "oh, we're dying now.
We've gotta invent something- let's invent an injection.
" And then it's like, "well, what else do we need to go to that place?" It's a lot of faffing.
So what I'm saying-- - stephen: Is that a place-- a lot o' faffing? What I'm saying is steve's traveled more than I have.
You've been to dangerous places.
I've been to places where you needed injections.
- Yeah, but why? Because it's fascinating, isn't it? Do you not believe ithe idea of travel broadens the mind? You know, it makes you experience other ways of life, other ways of thinking.
It just enriches you as a human being.
That's the whole reason people go traveling.
But since the invention of the telly, You don't have to go that far to-- - You're absolutely right.
- So there you go then.
The telly was the 20th century, wasn't it? Yeah, it's pretty good.
There's some good stuff.
- So where would you stop then? You'd stop inventing stuff right now? If we're gonna invent something, Forget, like, the traditional way of people having kids, The way they, you know, have it away and that.
- You have a little-- - what do you mean? You know, like, the way that we have kids and stuff.
It'd be good if what happened was-- To control it- is if man and woman-- They sort of- they're born and that.
They enjoy their life.
They learn a lot.
They live to be about 78.
I think by that point-- - Ricky: So specific! - No no no.
Well, by 78, I reckon you've got to that point where you go, "I've done everything I'm gonna do.
" If you haven't bungee-jumped by the time you're 78, You're not gonna do it.
So it's kind of like-- - Ricky: Your hips would come off.
- You've done it all now.
- Ricky: Yeah.
- And then you die, right? So say if everyone had that- they lived to be 78.
But then, just as you die, You have a little baby inside you.
And as you die, your life carries on.
- Sorry, are you-- - how is this happening? - Sorry, are you mental? - But don't you think-- I mean, what-- I've never heard such drivel.
You're saying that.
But if newton said it, you'd go, "hmm, interesting.
" That's what annoys me.
The point is, karl, he never would.
He'd never say it.
That's the point.
- I don't-- - if you never say it-- I don't understand what you're talking about there.
How-- how is there a little baby in a 78-year-old? What I'm saying is it's like an apple, where - Stephen: Hah! The apple grows and it's got its little baby pips in it.
And the apple grows and the seeds are planted and a new one's born.
- But that's what happens.
- But that is what reproduction is.
Yeah, but I'm saying babies aren't being born left, right, and center.
It's-- it's-- it's controlled So that as someone dies, Someone's born.
But, karl, stop.
Whose responsibility is this? If you don't wanna do it, then don't do it.
Is this supposed to be nature? Has nature got to develop humans So that we act that way, we live that way? Or is this a scientific experiment? What I like is he said- he said to you then, "look, if you don't wanna do it, we don't need to do it.
" Like, "if you're up for it, we'll sort it out.
We can do that.
" - we'll have a whip-round, so we can do the research.
I just think at the end of the day we've gotta do something.
And is aone keeping an eye on this and looking at what we can do next To control the population thing? It does my head in that I've gotta live in london for work and what have you.
There's loads of people there.
And forget going out on a Saturday night.
It's too busy.
You can't move and they keep-- I mean, what annoys me about london-- So your solution is that 78-year-old women And as they slip away into death, the little babies-- And how is that baby then raised? Who looks after the baby? Because it's a pretty good system-- Having a baby while you're young enough to look after that baby And make sure it lives to, you know, reproductive age itself.
That system's been working for years.
Nature sort of sorted it out.
Natural selection and evolution sort of makes that a good model.
But wait a minute, nature.
Pop that on hold because karl pilkington's got an idea.
- Ricky: Yeah.
- Karl: Uh It was just-- that's what it was, just an idea.
Yeah, well, you know, it was nonsense.
But thank you for it.
it was one of the worst ideas.
I mean, it was the ramblings of someone You'd find by themselves in a hospital eating flies.
This is the sort of thing you find when-- If they find maybe a pamphlet or a booklet Written by a psychopath.
Just before they went on a rampage And then turned the gun on themselves, They go through their possessions And they find weird drawings- women with knives in their face And this kind of gobbledygook.
In fact, I saw- I saw a similar theory Written out on a wall, but it was written in shit.
exactly, yeah.
No, all I'm saying is I think it's-- You know, when people die normally, Everyone's fed up about it, aren't they? And a bit down.
but if when you pass away, they go, "we're gonna miss gladys, " or whatever, But then there's this new life brought in.
It's almost like a bad news/good news.
But you're talking about it like Someone could pick this idea up and run with it, Like you've given them enough information to do it.
How is this possible? Where does she get the baby from? How-- why does it- why grow it in gladys's belly? - Why not have it in a drawer? - Karl: But what I'm saying-- "ready to go.
Just add water.
" Who looks after son of gladys? There is no theory here.
It's the ramblings of a madman.
What I'm saying is, though, The body's always changing, isn't it? From caveman to now or whatever.
in some cases.
And they're always finding out more.
Like, I read the other day about how- they're saying-- Do you know how, like, they say people have six senses? Yeah.
- There's loads more than that.
Right? And there's this-- Okay, show me that you've got one.
No, right? And there's this one that's knocking about-- - go on.
That-- what it is-- say if I'm-- Say if I'm in a pub, right? And I'm just doing a crossword or whatever.
Unlikely, but go on.
And there's some woman who's walked in, right? And she's staring at me.
I know she's looking at me.
And I look up and I look round and she's looking at me.
And they're saying that's a new sense that they've found out From, like, you know, doing tests and what have you.
Yeah, it's rubbish.
- And they're saying that's been around Since, like, man and dinosaur was knocking about.
- They-- they've stopped-- - they've explained it.
I think it's safe to assume that with your perfectly round head People are always stopping and looking.
You just know that there's probably gonna be-- They said it's from the time when, like, caveman was wandering about, And he'd go, "hang on a minute, " and he'd look round.
There's a dinosaur there or whatever and he'd leg it.
- Right, this is nonsense.
- It's not-- One, I hate it when people use the term, "when caveman was wandering round.
" Cavemen and dinosaurs- they used to live together, yeah.
That's the same era, yeah.
What have you been watching? Raquel welch? What do you mean? - Well, what do you mean "caveman wandering-- Knocking around with a dinosaur"? You know "the flintstones" is only partly based on fact? Dinosaurs and man did not coexist.
The dinosaurs had long gone before man arrived.
Extinct, kaput.
Mm - What, you don't believe us? You don't believe us because you've-- Because they took pictures of lizards and magnified them And put them next to man in films So they looked like they were fighting? Now why-- why couldn't that have happened? What is the film with raquel welch? - "a million years bc"? - "10 million years bc" or something.
"a million years bc.
" brilliant.
- Yeah.
No no, but-- - she had a sort of woolly mammoth bikini.
Fact.
- But why wasn't the dinosaurs back then Just like how we have dogs now in a way? He's watching "the flintstones.
" He's thinking " the flintstones.
" When he puts out the sabertoothed tiger And he mixes his concrete in a pelican.
I just-- I just think that there-- There must have been a crossover point.
Why do you say that? Why do you think there must have been? Because if nothing was knocking about at any point, how did anything carry on? I know.
Exactly.
Why-- why didn't hitler meet nero? It's weird, isn't it? There must have been a crossover.
They must have met at a party somewhere.
They mixed in similar circles.
Yeah, they must have bumped into-- I can't believe it.
- Aw, forget it.
- Oh.
Well, now time for one of our regular features: - Monkey news.
- Do the jingle.
Oh, chimpanzee that monkey news.
What we're doing here is-- Is just giving you a bit of monkey news that's gone on Where a monkey's been involved in it.
A good little story and that.
- Yeah.
Are you familiar with the one that went into space? The first thing they ever sent up there? Before man did it and all that.
You see, this is what annoys me with it really.
Armstrong gets all the glory.
But do you know who went up there before-- before him? - A monkey.
- Yeah.
And what happened is they taught it What buttons to hit at the time it needed to.
And the way they did this was, like, give it bananas.
It was like, "hit the red button," And it'd hit the red button and they'd give it a banana.
They'd go, "right, reverse is t green one.
Hit the green one.
" They'd do that and go, "there's a banana.
" Then they'd go, "right, hit reverse," And it'd go, pfft, and get a banana.
"hit the red--" So it was taking commands on, like, headphones.
Is that how you learned to do radio? How were they giving it the banana? What do you mean? This is before it went.
You don't just go and put a monkey in it And go, "there you go.
Get on with it.
" They put him in one of them capsules that you get.
- With-- on headphones- - - I don't believe this happened.
- I'm telling you this story now.
- I don't think they trained it.
I think they sent it up there and he put electrodes Coming out of it to see what-- - no, it wasn't any of that.
They did a thing, like they do, like they can with animals.
If you give something, you know, like a treat, You can teach it how to do it.
It's just like a dog, isn't it? It's called pavlovian conditioning.
However, that was to see if it would salivate Or go over to a particular corner, Not if it could control a spacecraft.
Next one up-- so next one up-- As far as-- the monkey's not sat there going, "oh, I'm a bit under pressure here.
It's a rocket.
" All that's knowing is, " I'm getting a banana if I hit that button.
" That's all the monkey's thinking about.
They wouldn't put billions of space dollars-- But how can they be sure that it's gonna Press the button at the right moment? Because it's got headphones on.
It's not like willy-nilly.
It's not just like-- Willy nilly? Who's that? What's to stop it from hitting it any old time? - It's a monkey and it's not a human.
- Because he's trained now.
Oh, he's fully trained.
Yeah, go on.
- So what happened is - Ricky: This is absolute rubbish.
They pop the monkey in there.
He's got his headphones on.
They're going, "right, hit the green one," And I think there's something there That a little banana comes out to keep-- - No, you're making this up.
- I'm not.
It's the same-- There's no way that they made a spacecraft That had a banana dispenser.
There's no way in this world that they made a spacecraft That could go into outer space Manned by a monkey with a banana dispenser.
So you're saying that it's easy to send someone up to space, But you don't believe there's a little banana machine? Right, okay, so-- So it comes to launch day, Monkey's sat in there, everyone's ready, Bananas are stocked up and all the rest of it.
They go, "right, hit the green button.
" Bpoof, right? And the rocket goes off and what have you.
No, they would not make the monkey launch the rocket.
Karl, you are living in a cartoon world.
So the rocket goes off, right? - This is absolute bollocks! It's all going well.
- I mean, I don't know where you get it-- It's not going well.
There's no way a monkey launched a rocket.
There is no way a monkey launched a rocket, you idiot! "hit the left button, " and it goes to the left.
The left button! Oh, a well-known spacecraft command.
"this is houston.
Hit the left button.
" Oh, brilliant.
This is what happened in apollo 13.
"hit the left button.
" oh, you are-- It goes left, yeah? It goes left.
So it goes left and it's going away.
Left! It goes left! "no, the moon! You're going right!" It goes for the moon and everything.
Everything's going well.
All right, they get up there.
It does whatever it does.
"hit reverse.
" it comes back.
- reverse! - So then-- You are-- honestly, you are brain-dead.
You are one of the most stupid peop-- That I would rather have the monkey drive me home than you.
So the thing is-- so it lands back.
It does a good job and everything.
- It gets out-- - it's sick of bananas.
This is where it turns a bit sad.
Because after it's done that mission-- Because it happened and it was all safe and everything, The nextne would have been to send man.
- Right.
So the monkey enjod it and it was like, "I wanna do it again.
" - But they were like-- - so how did they know that? Just the way it looked and what have you.
- Fuck off! Just the way it looked! - You are a maniac.
- So the thing is though-- So after it had done that, it was on such a high, It could never get that high again.
Turned to drugs? - There was nothing that it could do.
Went on tour, did it? It sort of ended up killing itself Because it could never get that buzz that it got.
Right, that was absolute bollocks.
None of that is true except they sent A monkey into space and I checked that.
Absolute drivel.
- So in your mind it committed suicide.
It went on a crazy bender-- Drinking, drugs, and women and then-- It does happen.
You hear about it.
And then it was found in a motel room.
I met derek acorah the other week.
- Oh, yeah.
- Right? Now who's he? Which one's he? - He's a-- - is he a medium? He can contact the dead, is that right? He just chats to 'em, passes messages on.
- Nice of him.
So I said, "tell us something a bit weird.
" So he said, "what do you want to know?" I said, "just something weird.
" So he goes, "all right then.
Here's one for ya.
" And he said, "there's this pub out in the country.
" And he said, "there's this mug.
" Do you know those old mugs that they have Where they used to leave their own cup knocking about? - Like a tankard? - Oh, yeah yeah.
- A tankard thing.
- Yeah.
So there was one of them mugs in there, right? And everybody-- - let's use "tankard" if we've established-- - All right, a tankard.
- You're the only mug In this story, believing it all.
High five.
Great.
So this tankard's knocking about, ght? And everyone who's running the pub keeps going, "we should stop leaving this tankard about.
" - And they pick it up-- - it must be a pain.
I mean, a tiny, small tankard in a pub.
That must be a real grind.
So they picked it up and went, "we'll have to wash that," And they popped it on a different sideboard.
Next thing you know, that person who's touched it died.
Sure.
They must have been getting through bar staff! So they kept getting new staff and went like, "what's the connection here?" - What's the connection here? - Oh, karl.
- Karl: So they get a vicar in - Stephen: Of course they do.
And they go, "look, There's a lot of weird stuff going on here.
This-- this tankard-- Every time someone touches it, they die.
" So he said, "leave it with me.
" He gets his special water out and what have you.
He comes round, does a little prayer, sprinkles it.
He goes, "right, not a problem.
Don't worry about it.
" He picks it up, chucks it in the bin.
- Guess what.
- Ricky: What? Dies in a crash on the way home - Because he picked it up.
Wait, but-- but, karl, you're telling me this like it's fact And I'm meant to go, "that's amazing.
" Derek acorah, he told me.
karl, I've-- I have-- I have no opinion of that story other than I'm pretty sure there was absolutely no connection Between touching the tankard and him dying.
- That's all I'm sure of.
- It's not just him, though, is it? I-- I'm not gonna even contest the chain of events.
All I'm saying is there is no connection.
There is no connection possible because I believe in logic And the laws of the universe.
Yeah, but what I mean- you never pick up a vibe of-- I've got a mate Who is living in this big stately home.
He's living in there now.
He pays £100 a month.
- There's about 80 rooms.
- Ricky: Gee.
It's this big stately house and what have you.
And I went down there.
He said, "oh, come down and have a look.
" From outside you go, "this is brilliant.
" It's like something out of "the manor born" or something.
You go, "this is impressive.
" But then when you get in, it's like it's a wreck.
And we go in and all the floors Are, like, a wreck and rotten and stuff.
I looked at the wall and there was A little piece of paper stuck on the wall.
And I said, "what's this here?" So I wandered over, Got right up close to it, and somebody had wroted-- "somebody had wroted"? - No, some-- - "somebody had wroted"? Right, I love this.
He can d-- Right, go on.
Yeah, go on.
Sorry-- So there's a little sign there And I go up to it and it says "flies" with an arrow.
Lies"-- like "flies this way.
" I think, "that's a bit weird.
" So I follow the arrow, Which goes to this corner where there's a shelf.
About 3,000 dead flies on it.
- Ricky: Oh my god.
- Karl: Condom stuck on the top.
- That's weird, isn't it? - That is weird.
So I'm looking at that and there's loads of stuff On the floor and that, bits of paper.
Picked up this bit of paper, right? And it had-- like, in biro and that.
It looked really old, like it'd been there years And it had-- it had something like, Nappies, dummy, blankets.
" Like, all this- all stuff for, like-- And I turned it over and it said, "none of this now needed.
Baby dead.
" - Christ! - Right.
Now that's weird, isn't it? Now that's what I'm talking about when you get a bad vibe.
You go, "that's- who's been in here?" Its bad vibe is just based on the fact that-- - Your mate's in charge.
- Yeah, that's terrifying.
I mean, yes, but it's like saying, "are we scared of the dark?" I understand why people are scared of the dark.
I'm a little scared.
Because you don't know what's in it.
That's why people get nervous.
It doesn't mean you have to make the leap That you've got some paranormal sense-- "oh, my god, I'm karl pilkington and, just like derek acorah, I have sensed something strange and evil in this room.
Wait a minute.
There are some flies and a condom.
- I was right all along.
" - that is weird.
Flies and a johnny equals badness.
The flies and the condom was weird enough.
It's weird, but I don't know-- But the note, the note! I just think of his face when he saw that, Reading it by torchlight.
He must have been terrified! It's a bit odd, isn't it?