The Royals (2015) s01e01 Episode Script

The Royals 01x01 "Stand and Unfold Yourself" You also have a fitting for the garden party.
Followed by the charity photo-shoot.
And Sir Elton John would like to pop around and say hello.
Pop around and say hello? You give someone a title, and they treat the place like a Starbucks.
Quite.
The Queen is unfortunately indisposed.
- Now, at half-past twelve - Just give me the book, Lucius.
Are you ready, Your Majesty? Of course, I'm ready.
I'm the Queen Of England.
When am I not ready? Yes, of course, get on with it.
Really, what's the point? It's a race, you idiot! Oooh! I mean, it's a race, you idiot, Your Royal Highness.
It's a race.
True enough.
But some things in life are meant to be savored.
A cold drink.
Time with your mates.
The woman in your bed.
That feels good.
Let me ask you something.
You know, could we go somewhere without them? Sorry.
What did you have in mind? Paris? I was thinking more like your bed.
I like that even better.
But - Can we really go to Paris? - Sure.
My sister's there right now.
Bitch, your coked-up ass better curtsy.
- Do we like them? - No.
Your Majesty? My God, Truman.
What else did she do? I can't imagine it can get any worse.
It's not your daughter, sir.
It's your son.
I'm afraid it is worse.
Prince Liam? Marcus.
You're supposed to guard me, not scare the hell out of me.
You need to return to the palace, Your Highness.
- Why? What's going on? - You too, Ophelia.
Mom? "Eleanorgy.
" "Flash Dance.
" "Royal Beaver.
" My daughter, the Princess, behaving like a common whore.
But go on, amuse me.
Explain this latest disgrace.
But, please, Eleanor, make it original this time.
Robert's dead, Mom.
'I'll never forget the look on his face.
The bewildered boy who had just lost his brother.
And in the same moment had become the future King Of England.
' 'It is with heavy hearts that we now have confirmation that His Royal Highness Prince Robert is gone.
Confirmation was made just' '.
.
first-born son of King Simon and Queen Helena, Prince Robert was a fascinating combination' 'And the Palace remains secure, yet tragically silent.
' The body is where? And he won't be moved, right? Military protocol's in our favor.
It's imperative things remain anonymous.
Fiona will handle press, I'll personally escort the body.
Yeah.
I'm on my way.
How'd it happen? We're still gathering information.
Is that the truth from my father, or the official response from the King's Head of Security? The truth from your father.
The same father who went to your room to find your bed empty, which can't be said for the Prince's bed.
A fact I had to learn from one of my men.
I know.
Just don't take it out on Marcus, okay? He didn't know.
When the Queen asks her Head of Security why he can't control his own daughter, what would you like me to say? I don't know.
You could tell her that your normally responsible daughter got drunk on gin and tonic - mostly gin - and had irresponsible but protected sex with her son.
And is very much ashamed of herself.
I'm an employee, Ophelia.
We live here under an unspoken code of distance and division.
A code you must have forgotten, otherwise you wouldn't have been up all night drinking gin and having illicit sex with the future King of England.
You're absolutely right.
I'm sorry.
And I'm sorry about Robert.
I'm disappointed in you.
Go to class.
Oh.
I'm glad you're using protection.
Dad? Could you never say that again, please? And you forgot your phone.
I owed him a call.
Last night I promised I'd call him, but They're gonna come now.
All of them.
Maybe do Mom a favor and wear some knickers.
Mom can piss off.
Maybe do Dad a favor then.
It's good to see you, Len.
Robert loved you most.
Hey.
This sucks, huh? Oh, no! Oh, my God.
I'm never flying commercial again.
- Where's our plane? - It's redic.
It's recock.
Saw your fanny on the front page, Len.
- Well done, you.
- Yeah, but how many people read the tabs, anyway? Like, three million? I mean, that's less than what's seen your bits anyway.
- Yadda, yadda, yadda.
- Whatever.
- Oh, God - Sorry about Bobby.
Yeah.
Like, no fair.
- So, is our father about? - That neglectful tosser.
Marcus said you wanted to see me? Erm Please, sit.
How do you like your tea? I like it when it's called coffee.
Iced dirty chai with soy.
I know those are words, but I have no idea what they mean.
Last year when my mom died, people didn't really know what to say or do.
But it was always nice when they tried.
I just wanted to say that I'm sorry about Robert.
He seemed like a wonderful person.
He was.
It's a bit mad around here now, so I just wanted to say, about last night, it was - It's fine.
- I didn't know who you were.
When Marcus recognized you I realized it was you It's okay.
I didn't know who you were either.
So, you're funny.
I haven't been back that long, and even though we live in the same palace, it doesn't mean we live in the same world.
Besides, my dad would prefer to keep things quiet.
Was he upset when he found out? A little.
But I knew what I was doing.
Does the Queen know? The Queen knows everything.
Helena.
Don't go.
When a mother loses her first-born son I believe she's allowed to grieve.
Not when she's the Queen.
And so the world gathers to pay their respects and say goodbye to Prince Robert, taken suddenly and far too soon at the age of 23.
Charismatic.
Compassionate.
Robert was Britain's beloved son, and he, like all the Royals, loved the people with all his heart.
God, how I loathe those people.
Draped in their football jerseys and false sentiments.
I can practically smell them from here.
I would've thought you'd be happy, dear Uncle.
I mean, after all, you're one step closer to the throne.
All you have to do is wait for your brother to die and then kill Liam.
Oh, and kill me too, of course.
The drugs will do that.
And if not, the syphilis will drive you mad and they'll declare you unfit to rule.
Either way, win win.
Speaking of syphilis you probably should've had that whore of an ex-wife of yours checked before those two were born.
What's that smell? Is that your feet? I thought it was your fanny.
It well could be in this boiler.
Hey.
Are you trying to get away from me? I'm sorry, I didn't I was trying to be respectful.
They wrote a speech for me.
To give to the press.
"We lost more than a man or a Prince.
We lost a beacon.
The kind on which a nation relies to confer legitimacy and create unity.
" My brother dies and they script my feelings.
Well, no matter what, I know he'll be proud of you today.
Hey.
Let's have dinner some time.
Are you asking me out before your brother's funeral? It's my first non-scripted moment of the day.
I like it.
You should go off script more often.
- Good luck.
- Thank you.
Really? Poor Gemma.
Poor Gemma broke up with me, Mom.
Can you blame her? Might I remind you the entire world will be watching you today? You'll give your quote to Fiona, you'll acknowledge the crowd, and you'll escort me to the car.
And try not to sleep with anyone along the way.
Prince Liam, with heavy hearts we offer our condolences to you as a grieving nation.
One of the great things about my brother was he wasn't afraid to be his own man.
I'll miss him.
My God.
You wretched brats.
Your brother, my first-born son, and you can't find the decorum, the civility, to honor his memory.
- What is wrong with you? - Was that scripted too? We script you because we can't trust either of you to come up with a reasonably coherent thought.
You know, God forbid we appear incoherent when our brother dies.
Or sad.
You might try it, Queen.
You are a little bitch.
- I'm inconsolable.
- Really? Because our dad is out there genuinely grieving the death of his son, while you're in here worrying about the family's image and topping off on the Botox.
At least I'm not slumming with the help.
And she's so plain.
I think Richard III had it right.
Lock the kids in the Tower and be done with them.
Maybe Henry the Eighth had it right.
He just killed his wives.
One of them because she looked fat.
They always take the good ones.
How did Robert die? All they'll tell us was that it was a military accident.
- That's all you need to know.
- Whatever it was good for him.
If you ask me, Robert was the lucky one.
This way, sir.
I was thinking of taking some time off from school.
Check up on Robert's charities.
I would have thought your studies would be a welcome distraction.
Speaking of welcome distractions I asked a guest to join us.
Sit here.
Mom, Dad, this is Ophelia.
Ophelia Pryce, artist in residence.
For His Majesty's Silver Jubilee, I presented him with a very serious work of art.
I can recall, you were working in the paste and yarn medium at the time.
I retired shortly thereafter.
What's your focus now? Art History at Churchill.
Ophelia's doing a joint honors degree.
Art History and Dance.
Which is grand news, indeed, as the Prime Minister himself recently expressed a concern about the shortage of frolicking art historians.
I'm sure you'll be twerking your way to a great future.
Well, she is dining with the future King of England, so she's got that going for her.
It's good that you're here, Ophelia.
You can give us the common point of view.
How is the public faring in the wake of Robert's death? I think we'll go.
Robert carried himself with a nobility and grace that was easy to admire.
He was inspiring and he was ours.
But I can only speak from this commoner's perspective.
You say he was yours, but you're American.
My mom was American, but I was born here and raised in the States because it was Because it was safer.
Please, stay.
I appreciate your kind words about Robert, Ophelia.
I do.
Robert joined the military because I did.
Like my father before me and his father before him and so on.
- Robert was killed by tradition.
- He died a hero's death.
- A noble death.
- Which merely means he's dead.
Why? I seem to have lost my appetite.
I think you'll want to stay to hear this next part, my love.
I think you all will.
So put away your phones and your drugs and your lust for the server's sponge and pay attention.
I'm considering asking Parliament for a referendum.
To abolish the Monarchy.
Erm What does that mean exactly? Um er That means you'll have to get a job.
A vote, idiot of my loins, to eradicate us.
- To erase us.
- Yeah, but who votes? - The people.
- But they can't do that.
I mean, they're the people.
You know, and we're, like, "us".
They can and they have.
- Ever heard of America? - Oh! But I do not want to be American.
I do not want to walk around like Justin Bieber with no shirt on and my trousers hanging off.
- He's Canadian.
- Even worse.
They can't make us Canadian, can they, Daddy? Canadian and poor just like Justin Bieber? The British Monarchy always has been and always will be.
"Always will be" killed Robert.
The people need the Monarchy.
The people need bread and jobs and a decent wage.
They don't need us.
With all due respect, my King how would you know? - Truman.
- Your Majesty? I need a favor.
I know you're tired.
And despondent over Robert.
But, honestly, it was out of character for you to speak so carelessly about the family.
Referendums and Parliament and disbanding the Monarchy.
It's all so dramatic.
And, frankly, it's weak, and less than who you are.
Forgive me, Your Majesty.
Er I was My God, it's good to be the King.
I understand you've had dinner with the Prince.
He invited me.
I said yes.
Next time say no.
Do you ever think maybe I said yes for you? That saying no might make it awkward between you and the King? - Did you? - No.
I said yes because I wanted to go.
But speaking of places we've gone lately: - Did you visit Mom's grave? - I've been working.
The King's welfare is never ending.
- Yeah.
- If you've got something to say, say it.
You know what? Fine.
I will.
Two things, actually.
I appreciate that you worry about me, and I get it.
Being close to the Royal Family is what got Mom killed and that's where you go when I'm near them.
But it's not the same thing, Dad.
It is the same thing.
And frankly, it's not fair to me.
Because you worry about me, when I'm near them.
It's dangerous, Ophelia.
Even for a moment.
Do you know how many steps it takes to get from the elevator to the chair you're sitting in? Seven.
Do you know how many to your bedroom? I lie awake at night and wait to count those steps.
Because at least I know you're home and you're safe.
You worry about a moment.
I worry about all the other moments.
Hey.
You said there were two things.
She always put us first, you know? You didn't visit her grave.
You haven't taken a single day off since she died.
Huh.
That's screwed up, Dad.
Mom deserves better.
Oh, look who it is.
Slag One and Slag Two.
Get in here, you daft bitches.
I will take this and this I'll leave you with this, okay? God forbid we get any more of the likes of you.
Oh, yeah, Penelope doesn't actually get high.
She says it makes her queasy.
- Erm She is also a virgin.
- Oh! Just a vaggy virgin.
Not a blowy or a handy.
Now I'm queasy.
Well, you're getting high tonight.
Both of you.
Just not here.
Yes! Maybe maybe you'll be better at shagging.
Although I doubt it.
I can't believe Robert's gone.
He would've been a stellar King, yeah? If there's even going to be another King.
Can you imagine it? Not being a princess? I'm just not qualified to do anything else.
I think I can do all kinds of things.
Like erm serve tea at the Ritz.
Yeah, you know, like, "Would you like another pot of tea, ladies? - With some finger cakes?" - Food.
- "Perhaps like a sweet?" - I'm starving.
I can't feel my legs.
I need assistance.
Len? Help! Come in.
His Royal Highness asked for me? Yes.
Regrettably, there have been complaints about your efforts.
Enthusiasm of service, that sort of thing.
I can assure you this is the first I'm hearing of it.
I'll do better.
I can't be on benefits.
Of course.
You seem terribly nervous.
Am I that intimidating? It's just - Well, I've heard things.
- Oh? What sort of things? That some of the women have had to do things to keep their jobs.
With you.
You've heard that they had to have sex with me.
Well, I can assure you that's not the case.
Nor was it my intention when I asked you here.
So, please, relax.
I'm simply looking for a token display of dedication.
In a service capacity.
Besides, even the President of the United States said it wasn't sex.
And remember, enthusiasm counts.
Is that the King of England skulking about? Fancy some? This was reserved for the Prime Minister but that fat bastard does not need any more pie.
I could always sell pastries.
You know, if you decide to disband the Monarchy.
Which I am all for, by the way.
Something tells me your opinion is in the minority.
And when has that mattered? You trust your instincts.
You follow your heart.
That's what makes you great.
A great King.
And a kind of okay father.
- How are you, Lenny? - Um I'm sad.
But I'm baked out of my mind So right now I'm well.
They worry about you.
Your mother.
Liam.
Not you? - Not so much.
- Oh, thanks a lot! Go to bed.
Do better tomorrow.
I'm the King.
You have to do as I say.
Dad? Do I disappoint you? Those qualities you say make me great I see them in you every day.
Don't medicate all that wonder.
Your brother loved you with all his heart.
So do I.
Yeah.
Let me recap my week for you.
My daughter's vagina was on the cover of no less than four tabloids.
My firstborn child was killed.
My husband announced he wants to abolish the only life I've ever known.
And his footman nearly saw my snatch.
I miss him.
With every breath.
And what tears at me is the knowledge that he could have been anything in the world.
I'll not lose another son or daughter to this.
They're my children, too.
They're no worse than any other kids their age.
Your daughter was "rolling balls" in the state dining room.
Now she's stoned and eating the Prime Minister's pie.
I'm not sure that ending this will heal any of us but staying the same will destroy us.
The English Crown has been protected and defended for thousands of years.
From clans with sticks through World Wars, legions of lives lost But not this one.
Not our son.
You are the King of England, goddammit.
Act like it.
That's exactly what I intend to do.
Okay, so we'll be off now.
I guess our father's not Shut up! If this were Asia we could eat you with mushy peas.
Water For dear God do not slam the bloody door! - Stop shouting! - I'll shout if I want to! Your breath, it smells like a fart.
Hey.
You okay? You're probably wondering why I wanted to see you.
Something to do with Liam? His Royal Highness, Prince Liam.
Right.
Sorry.
My son likes you.
But I would be very happy if you'd discourage the relationship.
It's not really a relationship.
No, of course, it's not.
Is your father still a workaholic? He loves his job.
Some people feel as though he's getting a little old for his line of work, but, of course, I would never allow him to be replaced, considering the favor you'd be doing for me.
- May I speak freely? - Of course.
Okay.
Well, the thing is, I wasn't even planning on seeing your son again.
At least until you insisted on girl talk and started threatening my father.
Maybe don't speak quite so freely.
You're the Queen Of England.
I get it.
But your son is your problem, not mine.
Be careful, little girl.
As you say, I am the Queen of England, and this is my house.
Perhaps if you still had a mother, you'd have better manners.
I'm not afraid of you.
Afraid of me? Of course you're not.
Why would you be? Now curtsy to your Queen and walk away.
I would, but my mother never taught me how.
You know what really sucks, Marcus? Other than my brother dying? You never drink with me.
- I'm working, sir.
- And stop calling me sir.
You've been my security detail for? - Six years.
- Six years.
Have a drink, you pussy.
"Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown, sir.
" Shakespeare.
Henry IV.
- I know it's Shakespeare, you Irish prick.
- Careful.
Your name is Irish.
So look at it this way.
Maybe you're illegitimate.
And in that case, you can't be King anyway.
Did you just say That your mother, the Queen, got owned by an Irishman? Yes, that's what I implied, you potentially Irish bastard.
Talk to me about Ophelia, Marcus.
- Ophelia, sir? - Ophelia.
You recognized her in my dorm room.
Right.
Well Ophelia is Ted's daughter.
And Ted's my boss.
So confidentially Ophelia is my boss's daughter, sir.
Marcus, don't they give you diplomacy lessons before you become the King's security? - They do indeed, sir.
- Well, you suck at it.
You think Eleanor's security detail is like this? Eleanor's security detail was fired, sir.
Enjoying that? Oh, perhaps I could call the Keeper of The Cellar, Your Majesty.
It's "Deputy Yeoman of the Royal Cellars", and I'm "Your Highness".
If you're going to work here, you better learn the language.
Apologies, Your Highness.
- Are you nervous? - Very much so, yes.
Why? Because I'm the Princess or because I'm hot? Well, no, because you're the Princess.
Because you're hot.
Er Both.
Inappropriate.
Apologies, Your Highness.
I'm so messing with you.
Though I do have serious concerns about your ability to guard my body, Jasper.
The good news for you is that I can look after myself.
Now, here, hold out your arms.
Okay.
You look concerned.
There are 25,000 bottles of wine down here, Jasper.
I'm the Princess.
My house.
My wine! - Okay? - Oh, no.
No, of course.
Yes.
But, look, if the Deputy Yeoman sees you, you're an alcoholic burglar.
Got it? Ooh.
This is a 1942 something or other.
After I drink this, I'll need you to find a good spot to hide the evidence.
- Sorry.
You just said - Okay.
You can go.
But tomorrow night we're going out, so could you lighten up? Er Yes, Your Majest Highness.
- Okay.
- Right.
Phe! Stay and drink with me.
You look like you could use one.
Yeah, I could definitely use one.
1942, it is.
Some for you and more for me.
To Robert.
And to the fading days of a crumbling empire.
So er How are things with the new boyfriend? It wasn't like that.
I tried to explain that to your mother.
And did she threaten you and tell you to never see him again? Pretty much.
But it was just a hook-up.
I wasn't looking for a boyfriend.
So much for dating a guy for his money and power.
Art, planes, boats, land.
A couple of castles, the Crown Jewels, and diplomatic immunity.
But, you know, the kid's terrible-looking so I can see why none of that would matter.
I'm sorry about Robert.
Yeah.
I'm sorry about your mom.
You knew my mother? From a distance.
She was elegant, your mom.
And your poor father, he was so tortured.
I guess so.
I know so.
You know, when I quit university last year, I used to kick about, and try to go unrecognized.
And mostly I'd end up in this park stealing things from homeless people.
Anyway, I would see your dad there.
And he would sit on this bench It was always the same bench and he would just weep.
You know, like he was gutted inside.
Are you sure that was my father? He had this book.
"All Creatures Great And Small"? It's how he met my mom.
She was reading that book in the park and they had a chat about it.
So, anyway, this went on for weeks.
And eventually my mother summoned him and told him enough was enough.
Do you know what he did? Your dad? He looked her right in the eyes his boss, the Queen of England and he said, "Sack me or deal with it.
My wife deserves a lifetime of tears, and not even the Queen will decide when enough is enough.
" Your dad's a bad-ass.
Everyone knows it.
Everyone except me.
I gotta go.
Hey.
Thank you.
You're a bad-ass too.
No.
I'm just a bitch with money and power.
But I do make it look good.
You were out late.
Hey.
What's all this about? I just wanna say that I love you.
Because I do.
Good night, Dad.
- What? - Are you gonna tell me why the Queen was standing in my living room or am I meant to pretend it never happened? She just wanted to hang out.
We're kind of besties, me and the Queen.
She wanted to tell me not to see Liam.
She also threatened you, took a cheap shot at Mom, and was pretty much a complete bitch.
And before you say anything, I wanna say that I'm sorry.
Again.
A girl has a few gin and tonics and all hell breaks loose.
Do you want to see Liam? Dad, there's no seeing.
Okay? We hang out.
And no, I wasn't planning on it.
Good.
Because I agree with the Queen.
I think it's for the best.
But if you change your mind, don't, for a second, worry about me, or my job, or what the Queen wants, or any of it.
Okay? Really? She might rule a nation, but that icy bitch has no hold on my daughter's heart.
Besides, they've taken enough from us already.
Thanks, Dad.
Well, you might not want to hang out with him but he certainly seems to want to hang out with you.
Next King of England on his way up.
- Good morning, sir.
- Good morning, Ted.
- Hi.
- Oh, hey.
- What's up? - Sorry to come unannounced.
- That's what she said.
- Wow.
So, Eleanor said you and my mom are hanging out now.
Yeah.
We go to the mall together, trade clothes, - threaten each other.
- I should have warned you.
It's kind of what we do.
I meet someone, she threatens them.
It passes for love in our family.
It's fine.
I mean, it's nice of you to stop by, but totally unnecessary.
Good, because that's not why I stopped by.
I was wondering if you wanted to grab a coffee some time.
What's that erm that sludge that you drink? Iced soy dirty girl? Iced dirty chai with soy.
It's delicious.
You should try it.
I plan to.
With you if you say yes.
- I don't know.
- It's just coffee, Ophelia.
If that's your story.
Fine.
Coffee.
You and me.
Me and the future King of England, having all the coffee.
Good.
Um yeah.
A little awkward, but I'm still in.
- I'll text you.
- Okay.
I've gotta go.
Hey.
Thanks for stopping by.
I wanted to.
Had nothing to do with the Queen.
This is gonna suck.
Hey, Robby.
I miss you and I'm gonna miss you.
I'll be fine.
You know me.
Look out for Liam, though.
I think he's gonna need it.
Where to, Your Highness? Have you ever been to Paris, Jasper? Oh, it's a beautiful city.
Dad, are you considering abolishing the Monarchy because of me? Because you don't believe in me? No.
I'm considering it because I do believe in you.
And because I want something more for you.
What could be more than King? Love.
A family raised beyond the tabloids and the walls of a castle.
A life lived and not destined.
I like Ophelia very much.
Me too.
Her mother was killed because of me.
Because men always choose the wrong things.
They stalk power and wealth, and frivolous things they think will make them whole.
And it never does.
It never does.
But her father chose duty and honor and service to the King.
Those aren't frivolous things.
No.
If you asked him, could he do it all over again? What road do you think he'd travel? Ted chose duty over love.
Robert chose honor over his own path.
Choose love.
Choose your own path.
Those are the roads to travel, my son.
Come on.
Hey.
Go home.
You are welcome.
Get out.
I apologize in advance, Jasper, for getting you sacked.
But let's be honest, I mean, you were a dead man walking anyway.
Probably so.
What do er you remember from last night, anyway? Erm Nothing, Jasper.
You were perfectly forgettable.
It's just that I remember everything.
Yeah, well, like I said You're very welcome.
I remember being at the club.
And I remember the drugs that I put in your drink.
And I remember every sordid, depraved, self-loathing thing that you did after that.
You know, when I forget I can always just watch the video.
So I think I'll keep this job.
- Oh! - I like the benefits.
Hereditary power.
Entrenched privilege.
Can you really give all of this up? I can and I will.
And do what? What would you do? Who would you be? No one's ever asked me that before.
I would like to have been a fisherman.
And, you, brother.
If you could have chosen your own destiny? If you could have been anything at all? What would you have been? King.
That was close, brother.
Long live the King.
- You ready to get some tea? - Coffee.
I'll give it a shot.
Okay, here's the thing.
It might get a little crazy out there.
I'll be fine.
It's just coffee.
If that's your story.
But just in case, I'm right here.