The Royle Family (1998) s01e01 Episode Script

# I would like to leave this city # This old town don't smell too pretty and # I can feel the warning signs # Running around my mind # So what do you say? # You can't give me the dreams that are mine anyway # You're half the world away # Half the world away # Half the world away # (Jim) 98 quid? (TV) today in 1984 (Jim) Hey, 98 quid.
It's good to talk, my arse.
by two girl- and music-obsessed teenagers? - 9291246.
Whose number's that? - It's Mary.
You've been ringing Mary next door? If you shouted, she could hear you.
- She can hear you.
- Give it a rest, pair of you.
Rest, my arse.
It's £2.
50 phoning next door.
She's in and out of here all day like a bloody yo-yo.
- I'll put you a serving hatch in.
to hang onto the lead by - You're tight as a crab's arse, you, Dad.
- (Applause on TV) Crab's arse, my arse.
It's £2.
50.
Good job she's cured her stutter.
The phone's there to be used.
The phone's there for emergencies.
How many times do you see me ringing anyone? Who you gonna ring? You've got no mates.
- (Door bangs) - (Mary) Wooo-ooh! - Talk of the devil.
- Only me.
- Come in, Mary.
- Everyone all right? - Yeah.
- Hey, Mary, is your Cheryl in? - Yes.
- Will you ask her to bring the catalogue? - I will.
- Ta.
Come on, love.
I just came in to wish you all the best in your new career, Barbara.
- Career, my arse.
She's going to work part time in the bakery.
Why don't you go home? She can ring you and tell you all about it.
I've had our Denise testing me on prices.
I've got it off by heart down to pastries.
Test us, Mary.
Vanilla slice.
- 38p.
- I'll have two.
- How much is a cup of tea? - They don't do tea.
Same as here, then.
No chance of drowning.
- Are you stopping for a brew? - No.
I've got a pile of ironing.
And it won't do itself, now, will it? She's hilarious, her.
How does she come up with them? Come on, Denise.
Test us some more.
Um - Crusty cob.
- Who's been ringing Aberdeen? - 14p.
- Meat and potato pie.
- 67p.
- No.
- 68p? - No.
- 69p? - No.
Ooh, shite.
- Do they do wedding cakes? - Ooh, yeah.
- I'll be able to get you a discount.
- How much will one cost? About £200.
- How much? - £200.
- How many tiers is that? - Plenty of tears if it's £200.
Is his dad paying owt towards this wedding lark? - I said, he's on a disability allowance.
- So he's paying bugger all.
And he'll get a better parking space.
- Any tea going, Mam? - Your tea's in the oven, love.
- Right.
What is it? - Egg and chips.
Antony, who d'you know in Aberdeen? Oh, Mam! They're all soggy.
Oh, just get them ate.
They all go to make a turd.
(Barbara) You'll all have to get used to making your own.
Yeah.
Your mother's a career woman now.
- Which room are you in, lad? - This room.
What's the light on in that room for? Coming Sunday on BBC1, join Sharon Well, who do you think I am, bloody Rockefeller? he and his investments were inseparable.
When shares were slow to come up, so was he.
Recently, he's been telling me his prices have started to harden.
It's that Lesley Joseph.
Ain't there nowt on the other side? She's got a mouth like a horse, that one, hasn't she? She wants a good swipe of shite.
(Man) At nine we continue Full Circle with Michael Palin Mam, tell Antony to shut his gob when he's eating.
Shut your gob when you're eating.
(Cheryl) Hiya.
- That'll be Cheryl with the catalogue.
fed every afternoon at five.
Every morning at five, the - Where did your Auntie Vi move to? - Middleton.
- Not Aberdeen? - Middleton! All right, crabby arse.
All right.
Where's the bloody remote off the television? It's only £5.
15 a week for 40 weeks.
It's real leather.
That's nothing, that, is it? - Shall we get one? - Yeah.
- You gonna get brown or black? - Brown.
I'll get black, then.
We don't wanna look the same.
- Hey, Cheryl, close your eyes.
- What? Right, give us your finger.
- Wait, wait.
- Oh, Denise Right, open 'em.
What are you like? I wouldn't mind one of those, actually.
His is a weird shape, isn't it? That's not normal, is it? What's Dave? Is he Y-fronts or boxers? Whatever he wears, they're always full of skiddies.
I can't even believe it's only six weeks till the wedding.
I know.
There's so much to sort out, isn't there? - Yeah.
- Who's doing your perm? Sandra Beswick.
Guess what she's calling herself now.
She's gone mobile.
Sandy Scissors.
That's crap, innit? Yeah.
I don't know what I'm gonna do with my hair for the wedding.
I'm thinking I might have some streaks put in.
Let me look at you.
You'd look absolutely gorgeous with streaks in.
- D'you think so? - Yeah.
I've gotta lose two stone, as well.
- I have.
- There's nowt on you.
You're tiny.
You're joking.
I'm like a bleeding sumo.
And I've got a right arse full of cellulite.
Mind you, Dave likes his women with a bit of meat on 'em.
- Sexist pig.
- Yeah, he is.
Hey, thank God.
Is Gary from the butcher's still Dave's best man? - Yeah.
- He's gorgeous, him.
Get out.
He always stinks of mince.
I'd shag him.
Yeah, I would.
(Barbara) Pour t'tea, Antony.
They waited for me to come in here.
Hi, Antony.
Hey, he's having to wear a suit.
- Has he got a girlfriend yet? - Yeah.
His hand.
- Cheryl, that'd look good on you.
- What is it, a tent? Antony, keep that out, keep that shut or get them blacked.
Cheeky get.
- Hey, where's ours? - Kiss it.
Mam, Antony's being cheeky to Cheryl.
I'm all right.
Anyway, I'll make it.
He don't wash his hands.
- (Doorbell rings) - Thanks, love.
Get that, will you, please, Antony? - It's all right.
It's only Dave.
- Oh.
- Hiya, Dave.
All right, love? - Yeah, smashing.
- Hiya, Jim.
- (Jim grunts) - Is owt on? - No.
It's Home And Away.
- Have you had your tea, Dave? - Yeah.
- What'd you have? - Corned beef hash.
Ooh.
We should have that one day.
Hey, Jim, Dave's had corned beef hash.
Funny.
They never mentioned it on the news.
- You all right, Jim? - Aye.
I can't smile wide enough.
(Australian woman) You have behaved very badly, so kindly respect me and my home.
- She in there? - Yeah.
How's your mate doing in Aberdeen, Dave? Havert got a mate in Aberdeen.
- Just checking.
- Ignore him.
- Hiya.
- (Both) Hiya.
Don't you be thinking of buying owt in there.
I'm not.
Cheryl's just been looking at mers knobs.
No change there, then.
You two all right for a brew? - Yeah.
- Yes, thanks.
Gary was asking after you, Cheryl.
Oh, yeah? What'd he say? - He asked if you were a goer.
- Oh, yeah.
What did you say? - Told him you go like the clappers.
- In his dreams.
Changes his clothes less than Noddy, him.
- You had your tea? - Yeah.
- What'd you have? - Corned beef hash.
- Did you? - Yeah.
Did you get that wedding car sorted? - Havert had time to wipe me arse.
- I know.
I've seen your undies.
- Ho, ho.
- I mean it.
You'd better get it sorted.
- I'm not going in that Transit.
- It was all right on Tuesday night.
- Cheryl don't want to hear it, all right? - Oh, I do.
- She does.
- She don't.
So who's who's doing your disco at the wedding? Me.
You can't.
You're the bleeding groom.
All right.
Gary can do the first hour, then, get it going.
Bring Gary on the honeymoon.
He can do the first hour there, get me going.
Did I tell you I'm getting business cards done from this place in Knutsford? - Knutsford? That's well posh.
- Knutsford service station.
Three quid for 50, they are.
First gig you get, they pay for theirselves.
Put the price of the gig up by three quid.
After that, it's clear profit.
- That's a good idea.
- That's me, kiddo.
What are you gonna have wrote on 'em? "You've heard the rest.
Now hear the Best.
Dave Best.
Mobile disco.
" Hey, where's my name? Put Dave and Denise.
I've been to all your gigs.
So have me mam and dad.
Do you want them on it and all? - You're just trying to pull the birds.
- Give it a rest.
- (Doorbell) - Put my name on it and all.
What, and let all the women know I'm taken? Cheeky get, you, Dave.
It's all right.
It's only Twiggy.
- (Jim) Twiggy's here.
- All right, Jim, Barbara.
- You all right? - Yeah.
- How's your mam's legs, love? - Still under the hospital.
- Aw.
Tell her I was asking for her.
- Course I will.
- (Denise) Hiya, Twiggy.
- Right.
How are you fixed for denim? - Feel the quality of that.
- Got any wedding dresses in there? No, these are jeans.
- What make are they? - Top gear.
Quality stuff.
Tenner a pair.
- You got owt for me? - Yeah.
The ones he's wearing.
Why don't you get a pair? Them pants have gone at the crotch.
- You shouldn't be looking.
- Go on, Dad.
Try some on.
- I don't wear jeans.
- Everyone wears 'em nowadays.
Pants'll cost you three times the price and these'll last twice as long.
- (Antony) Go on, Dad.
- Come on.
- Yeah, go on.
Give them here.
- Here.
Try them on.
Go on, then, Jimbo.
- Now, how about you, Denise? - I haven't got the arse for jeans.
You have.
You've got a gorgeous arse, you have.
You'd fill these out a treat.
Hey, that's my fiancée's arse you're talking about.
And it's your arse you're talking through.
Tell you what I have got.
A load of Wash & Go.
- I don't know if you're interested.
- What have you got? Wash & Go.
You know, the stuff in the ad where that bird washes and pisses off.
Well, it's the genuine stuff, only it's got Arabic writing on it.
- 50p a bottle.
- (AIl) No.
- No, thanks.
- Oh, please yourself.
Go on, Twiggy.
I'll have two quid's won'th.
As you're my best-Iooking customer, I'll chuck in a box of panty pads.
- All right.
- How are you for jeans, Cheryl? I'm on a diet, you see, so I don't know what size to get.
If they don't fit you, I'll help you out of them.
Ooh! Hey, you're a cheeky beggar, you are, Twiggy.
Hey, how's your little Lee? She lets me see him every other Saturday and every third Wednesday - from four till seven.
- Aww.
- He must be getting quite big now.
- Yeah, he's 12 in August.
Mind you, he's a fussy little bleeder.
Nike this and Levi that.
Wort touch any of this shite.
- Cheryl, are you having them jeans? - Oh, no, I don't think so.
(Laughter) - All right, shower of shite.
- It's John Wayne.
(Laughter) Here, Jim.
Give us 'em back here.
You're giving me a bad name, lad.
Laugh all you bloody want.
I'm keeping these.
Me money's in me other trousers.
I'll have to owe you a tenner.
- Marvellous.
- Look at the turn-ups on 'em.
Pack it in, will you? It's like Blackpool Illuminations here.
Turn that lamp off.
And the fire's going off.
If you're cold, put a bloody vest on.
- Where's the remote? - On t'top of t'telly.
What good is it there? Antony, chuck it over, you lazy little sod.
Listen, is anyone else buying? - Hey, Antony, do you want to buy? - Not if he's wearing some.
No way.
Ta.
Hey, Twiggy.
In the baker's, guess who'll serve you.
- Who? - Me mam.
- Me.
- Is that right? - Yeah.
- Hey, I'm always in there.
- Are you? - Yeah.
- Hey, what do you have? - Er Two Cornish pasties, a sausage roll and a cream Danish.
£1.
32.
Am I right? Havert got a clue.
I'll see you in there.
I'll get that shampoo to you on Saturday, all right? - See you.
Ta-ra.
- (AIl) See you.
Tell you what, he's a scruffy get, that Twiggy.
Wouldrt you think he'd do something about his weight? How's your diet going, Cheryl? Oh, all right.
I've stuck to it for a fortnight now.
- Have you? Have you lost owt? - Er No.
(David Attenborough) Although they can't fly, they are well able to get around.
Right, well, I'm off, then.
See you.
Ta-ra, Cheryl.
- Keep hold of the catalogue if you like.
- Oh, right, ta.
- See you.
Ta-ra.
- Bye.
Have you asked her to be bridesmaid? - Oh, yeah.
She was thrilled.
- Bridesmaid, my arse.
She'll look like a bloody Easter egg on legs.
You're only having her to make you look better.
- Get lost, Antony.
- Is she really on a diet? - Yeah.
- Think she'll ever get married? - Who'd have her? - Stevie Wonder.
A king cormorant struggles back with a beak full of nest material - (# TFI Friday theme) - It's him again.
He's everywhere, like shit in a field.
- Leave it on, Dad.
- (Cheering and applause) (Chuckles) - She's had a face-lift.
They all have.
- Shut it, Dad.
I'm listening.
(Jim) There's the gobshite now.
Full of himself.
- He's a millionaire, him.
- He's still got ginger bollocks.
That reminds me, I've got some tangerines in the kitchen.
Anybody want a tangerine? How does your mind work, Barbara? - You nervous about tomorrow? - Yeah, I won't sleep a wink.
Why? There's only your bloody mates going in, from the sound of it.
(Woman on TV) has just been such fun.
I really miss home, but Did I tell you I saw Duckers down the Chinese? - Duckers? - Yeah.
- Is he out? - No, they've got a Chinese in the nick.
- He'd just got out, Barbara.
- What's his missus say? - He'd not been home yet.
- What was he in for, lad? - Beef satay and chips.
- (Laughter) What was he in for, knobhead? Receiving, werert he? - It wasrt jeans, was it? - Don't know.
We should have beef satay one night.
Ooh, eh, our Antony, nip down the offy and get us some more ciggies.
- Oh, Mam.
- I'll go.
No, you stay there.
Let him go.
20 for me, 20 for your dad.
What about you, Denise? - Yeah, get us 20.
- (Antony) Any advance on 60? Yeah.
Get me some pork scratchings.
Can I get ten for meself out the change? (Jim and Barbara) No, you can't.
You're only 15.
I've told you about smoking.
You're not old enough till you can buy your own.
- And don't slam that - (Door slams) door.
Do you know what's in them pork scratchings, Dad? No.
Eyeholes, earholes and arseholes.
That's rissoles.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, eh.
Who keeps putting mugs down without using a coaster? - Antony.
- (Jim) Our Antony.
(Cheering on TV) (Dave) I told Duckers he could come to our wedding.
- You didn't? - Yeah, I did.
- You'd better be winding me up.
- I told him.
What did you invite him for? He's a right knobhead.
- If he's going, I mean it, I'm not.
- Hey! Reel her in.
- One-nil.
- You're hilarious, you, Dave.
Have I told you what a gorgeous daughter you've got, James? Yes, you have.
The last time you got on the wrong bloody side of her.
I wouldn't invite Duckers, you lemon.
Give us a kiss.
- Kiss me arse.
- I would do.
I've had nowt all day.
You're getting nowt all night, either.
Isn't she lovely, Barbara? You know what they say, To know what your wife'll look like, look at the mother.
You're not calling the wedding off at this late stage.
- That was meant as a compliment.
- Thanks, Dave, love.
I'm glad somebody appreciates me round here.
What's he after? I'll make it up with you, then, if you massage me feet.
- Aww.
- Go on, Dave.
Please, please.
Please.
- Bloody hell.
Give 'em here.
- Please.
You've got lovely feet, our Denise.
- I have, haven't I? - Yeah, the best feet in our family.
- Thanks, Mam.
- Look at mine, Dave.
They're buggered.
Hey, look at this dopey sod, here.
She's got him where she wants him.
He's been out grafting, she's been sat on her fat arse all day, and he's massaging her feet.
I dunno what the world's coming to.
- (Barbara) Why don't you rub my feet? - Them bloody trotters? I'd need asbestos gloves and a gas mask.
- Hey, I think I've got a verruca coming.
- I think you have.
(Door slams) - Here you are, Mam.
- Oh, thanks, love.
Young man, what have I told you about putting mugs on that coffee table without using a coaster? - Got a gig tonight, Dave? - Yeah, down the Feathers.
It's Tony Macca's sister's 18th.
- Beverley Macca from the Co-op? - Yeah.
- Is she 18? - Mm.
- Are her kids going? - Yeah.
- Who's the father of them two? - Don't know.
- Could be anyone in the Feathers.
- Anyone in trousers.
- You fancy her.
- As if.
She's a right slapper, her.
I feel a bit sorry for her, with them two kids.
She's had it hard.
She likes it hard.
That's her trouble.
How much is a pint in there now? I dunno It's about one Oh, Dave! Have you farted? What? That's one of your old fella's, that.
Hey, whoever smelt it, dealt it.
- That smelt like corned beef, that.
- We're gonna have that one night.
Hey, I've just thought.
Who's gonna cook tea tomorrow? I'll be working.
Don't worry.
We'll wait till you come home.
Why does everything in this house have to revolve around me? This bloody bakery job's more trouble than it's won'th.
- (Farting) - It was you, you dirty get.
- Told you it wasrt me.
- (Barbara) Ooh, you dirty article.
It's only nature.
(Jim) In the Middle East, it's a sign of respect.
- That's burping.
- Same difference.
Just a different hole.
- You fart, Denise.
- I do not.
She does.
I've smelt it.
Antony, me mam told me not to tell you, but you were adopted.
- Are these yours, Denise? - (Barbara) Hey.
- (Phone) - Get that, Antony.
(Sighs) (Jim) Antony, if that's the Invisible Man, I can't see him.
(Antony) Hello? Oh, hiya, Nana.
Yeah.
Er Nana, do you want me mam? (Barbara) Have a conversation with her.
She's on her own all day.
- I ain't got nowt to say to her.
- Make something up.
Here.
Hi, Mam.
You all right? You had your tea? What'd you have? Oh, we've had that.
Dave's had corned beef hash.
Who's she talking to, Loyd Grossman? (Denise laughs) Oh, yeah.
We're up to our eyes in it here.
Yeah.
Can't seem to get nothing done.
It's all go.
Yeah.
Yeah.
What date was on the voucher? Ooh, the miserable sod.
(Tuts) Do you want to talk to Jim? No, he's doing nowt.
Hello, Norma.
How are you doing? What? Just a minute, Denise.
Hang on.
Our Denise can't wait to bloody talk to you.
Hey, Nana.
Yeah.
- It's shocking, really.
She's 82.
- Why? What's happened? She went down the precinct.
She had this voucher.
- Oh, yeah.
- And it was one day out of date.
The miserable sod of a manager wouldn't let her have the money off.
- How much was it won'th? - 20p.
20p? It'll cost her more than that to ring every bugger she knows to tell them.
If they're too tight, take one of the insoles out.
Yeah.
All right, OK.
I'll give you back to me mam.
See you, Nana.
Bye.
All right, Mam? Yeah, I've told Jim.
Ooh, he was livid.
Yeah.
- These things are sent to try us, Mam.
- (Applause on TV) Chin up, love.
Bye.
Oh, it's a shame, really.
She's getting worse, bless her.
Aaah.
Here, put that back, you.
- I'm going to Darrers.
- (Denise) Bye.
(Door slams) We'd better be off now, ar all.
Just want to put my tooty on.
Denise, give us a go with that new lippy.
Whoops.
It's a lovely colour, that, irt it? I can't usually wear red.
Does nothing for me.
Can't wear red, can I, Jim? No, that's what's held you back all these years.
D'you know, I am looking my age.
Just these last few months it's crept up on me.
Mind you, it could be worse.
At least I've still got me schoolgirl figure.
I must clean that mirror.
Don't laugh, Dad.
Mam's got a great figure for a woman her age.
It's gonna be tempting working at that baker's.
I don't want to put any weight on before the wedding.
I want to get meself a really nice little suit.
You can go in your school uniform.
Still fits you, doesn't it? - What are you gonna wear, Dad? - A bloody big hole in me pocket.
Dave, has your mam got her suit yet? No, not yet.
She's getting a suit from Marks's.
Hey, Dave, you'd better tell me which one.
We don't want to get t'same.
It'd look awful.
Right, we'd better get going.
Beverley Yo-yo Knickers'll be mad if we're late.
- See you, Mam.
Be in about one.
- All right, love.
- See you.
- See yous.
(# Supergrass: Late In The Day on TV) Oh, Dad, if me mate Angus from Aberdeen rings - Aberdeen? - Aaah.
I'm only joking.
- (Laughter) - See you.
See you, buggerlugs.
Hey, Jim, Dave's mam.
Marks's, eh? Never mind.
You'd look better than her if you wore a bloody old sack.
Well, I might have to.
I think I might go and have a bath.
Is the immersion on? I expect so.
Everything bloody else is.
- Do you wanna get in after me? - Aye, go on.
# So long for me # I sleep on the road # Dreaming of a sound # Coming my way # So long # # So what do you say? # You can't give me the dreams that are mine anyway # Half the world away # Half the world away # Half the world away # I've been lost, I've been found but I don't feel down # No, I don't feel down # No, I don't feel down #