The Sarah Silverman Program (2007) s01e01 Episode Script

Hi, I'm Sarah Silverman, and I'm just like you.
I live in Valley Village, I don't have a job and my sister pays my rent.
That's my sister, Laura.
She's adorable.
These are my neighbours, Brian and Steve.
They're gigantic, orange and gay.
This is Doug.
I found him in the trash.
That's just, like, a weird bald guy.
I don't know who that is.
Let's see what else.
Some people call me on the phone.
My parents are dead.
I like cookies.
What are we doing this for? Does anyone know what this is for? Tonight's episode of The Sarah Silverman Program contains full-frontal Jew-dity.
I always wake up with the morning sun I always take my pills with herbal tea I always never cW and I've always wondered why I always have to watch myself when I go pee I really love my life And I'll also tell you what If I find a stick I'll put it in your mama's butt And pull it out And stick the doodie in her eye And pull it out and stick The doodie in her eye Good morning, Laura, my adorable little sister.
Brian, Steve, my two gay friends.
- Actually, I'm bisexual.
- Oh, my God.
- What? - Brian, you're gay.
Don't start this.
Bisexual.
When have you ever been with a woman? You guys, don't fight.
You should love each other and be sweet and good-looking, - like me and Laura.
- Thanks.
Oh, boy.
- I thought you sounded stuffy.
- Thank you.
Yeah, maybe you're getting bisexual germs from Brian.
There is a time and a place for this conversation.
Name three parts of a woman's vagina.
Labia, the fallopian tube, the bumpy thing.
- Yeah.
That's what I thought.
- It doesn't prove anything! Here, take this.
Go get yourself some cold medicine right away.
You don't want to be too sick for us to watch Cookie Party! Tonight.
Don't even say that.
Nothing would ever come between me and you watching our favourite TV show together.
Not even if I was in a coma with double pneumonia.
You know, it is kind of cool the way you guys have this standing date every week.
I mean, most girls your age would have totally moved on by now, you know, had relationships and kids.
Oh, no.
Cookie Party! Is our relationships and kids.
- Nice one.
- Thank you.
And on that note, I'm out of here.
- Take it easy.
- Take it sleazy, beezy.
She's never had any lessons.
Oh, God.
Who's that? That's my baby grandson.
He's my favourite person in the world.
That's 'cause you haven't met me yet.
My favourite person is my sister, Laura.
It used to be Jared from the Subway commercials, but I thought he got too preachy.
Well, you know, family is the most important thing in life.
- It's who you are.
- That is so wise.
Well, that's just what comes with being 70.
No, you're not! There is no way you are 70! - You look too young.
- Well, thank you.
Now you really are my most favourite person in the world.
Now that you're closer I can tell you're old.
You little bitch.
Here we go.
This one has a duck on it.
No, thank you.
This one's orange.
Here we go.
That's the one.
That is good.
"Maximum strength.
Night-time use only.
" Like my body knows what time it is.
Advertisers! Whoa! It's beautiful.
Scotland! Hey, Sarah.
You look really thin.
You should eat something.
- Loch Ness Monster, you're the best.
- I am.
- You're funny.
- We're terrific together.
I love you.
Ma'am, do you know why I'm standing here? You got all C's in high school? Have you been drinking? No, I got tired and I thought this would be a good place to pull over.
What are you so mad at me? Why am I so mad at you? When I asked for your driver's licence, you gave me this.
That's expired.
Here you go.
- "3,000.
" - It's What? You know you are in a lot of trouble.
Your car has been impounded.
You're facing huge fines and possible jail time.
You understand? - Sarah! - Laura! Sarah.
Officer, this is my sister.
Yeah, well, she belongs in the banana house, I'll tell you.
I beg your pardon? I'm sorry.
I It's a little inappropriate, you know.
It's this job.
It really You know, gets you sometimes.
You get so damn No need to apologise.
I kind of have an job, too.
Really? Yeah.
- That's pretty.
- Laura, stop flirting.
Like he's really gonna be interested in some sex addict with a tiny vagina.
Hey, listen.
I don't know who put a nickel in you, but it's time to make change.
Listen, your sister didn't really hurt anybody or destroy anything, so I also believe she's learned her lesson, so I have.
I have.
Totally.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
A thousand thank you's.
I'll be in the car.
Well, hey, you know, I'll walk you out if - So your last name's Silverman, huh? - Yeah.
You know, I believe the Holocaust was completely uncalled for.
Don't worry about it.
So you kind of take care of this one, huh? I guess so.
"Hi, I'm a cop and my face is a toilet.
" "My sister, Sarah, is so pretty.
" "I drink diarrhoea with my eggs for breakfast.
" Our parents died when we were really young, and she's the only family I have.
She's actually really smart.
Laura, your car smells like farts.
You know, being a cop, I've seen things that would make you crap a book on how to puke.
But I've never seen your kind of compassion.
I mean, I guess, obviously you take care of lots of other people all day long, as well.
Yeah.
Doesn't leave you much time to take care of yourself, does it? Well, I guess I don't.
You know, maybe I could, tonight, take care of your food situation.
What a boob.
- Sarah.
- What a douche? Officer Jay's taking me to dinner tonight.
Sweetie, you can't.
We've got Cookie Party! Tonight.
- Well, we can just TiVo it.
- Then we can't vote! I mean, we can't Then we can't vote.
But who cares? So go.
I'll just watch it.
I like to watch it live 'cause I like to vote.
But I will TiVo it for you.
So you can watch it later by yourself.
So cool.
I like this separate lives thing.
This is good.
Change is scary, and Laura and I have always watched Cookie Party! Together.
Always.
I mean, that's the only reason I really want to watch it with her.
It's not like she's so great.
She punched me in the head once.
For no reason.
When I was 12.
I used her mascara on my pubes, big deal.
I wanted to see what it looked like fuller.
It was a compliment.
I wanted to be more like her.
She was my younger sister.
She had this gigantic bush.
And she flaunted it.
Do you know what that feels like? I had peach fuzz and her vagina looked like Cat Stevens' face.
You know what? I'm ready for this.
I'm gonna watch TV without Laura tonight, and it's gonna be amazing.
And terrifying and challenging.
Am I boring you? I guess I'll talk to you later.
Time to get ready for Cookie Party! What are you doing? I'm getting killed.
I'm at their base.
Where are you? You're stupid, man.
Come on, they're Great.
I just got killed with a plasma grenade.
Thanks a lot.
What, are you 13? Really? Well, yeah.
I'll play again.
Okay, I just got to make some serious yellow, dude.
All right.
I'm in here! Lingerie models.
Real original.
Guess you really are bi.
When did you find the time to "Summer Savings"? Let's get ready to crumble! - You folks ready to vote? - I'm voting for the vanilla haystack.
- Me, too.
- Really? - No other cookie even compares to it.
- I know.
Because it's traditionally a chocolate cookie, but the vanilla really lets the coconut sing, gives it a Voice.
Cookie Party Give me something to feel Cookie Party When she's not here, nothing's real I can't believe she left me to go and see him I can't believe she chose him over me and Cookie Party Cookie Party Why is my sister such a dick? Doug? What's different about you? Did you shave your beard? Some cookie party this turned out to be.
I know.
It stinks without Laura.
So go get her.
When you love something, you've got to hold on to it and never let it go.
It's the only way to show how much you care.
You're so smart, but you're so little.
Sarah, I'm smart because I'm so little.
Now, you take your ass out there and get your sister back.
I will! That's what I'm gonna do.
Thank you.
Thank you so much, old black woman puppy! You're welcome.
I need your car.
We get it! I never thought eating could be so filling.
I know.
But anyway, so I finished at the academy.
And I figured it's a new beginning, and one thing led to the other, and lo and behold, this little baby shows up at my door step, so - I like your moustache.
- Yeah? All right.
Enough about me, please.
Tell me something about yourself that I wouldn't be able to find out by running your plates or something.
Well, I can eat 30 eggs in one sitting.
Only if they're hard-boiled.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Hey! That is so weird.
- Sarah.
My God! You demolished this thing.
I thought I saw you guys.
- How's the big date going? - Sarah, are you okay? You could have killed yourself.
Listen to me, how many fingers am I holding up? This many? Hey, so what's the story, Laura? You're gonna replace me with this guy or what? - No one's replacing anybody.
- You shut up, stupid! - Sarah.
Stop it.
- Hey, keep it down out there! Look, sir, I'm a police officer.
It's okay, there's nothing here to see.
It's not the seeing I have issue with, it's what I'm hearing.
You're being a little silly, aren't you? I'm being silly? Really? Is that silly? I'm silly.
No, you're silly.
I mean, do you know what I'm talking about? - Sir - It's annoying! I really like this guy.
Don't screw this up for me.
The thing is I think I'm really falling for him.
I mean, a guy's gotta go to work in the morning! Sir, I'm no doctor, but have you tried this? You are replacing me! Guess what? It doesn't matter, sissy.
'Cause I replace you.
With the night! It's called "noise pollution" for a reason, it's the noise.
- So loud.
- Yeah, sir, could you please just go back to bed, all right? I have the situation completely under control.
I'm sorry! It must be my fault I moved into a house that you three were planning on having an argument in front of.
Look, sir, I said I was sorry.
You say that, but I really wonder sometimes.
I really wonder.
- Sarah's gone! - What? What? What? She ran off into the night, Jay.
We have to find her before she hurts herself.
Jesus.
- Could we get a ride home? - Hey, who are those guys? Thank God for summer.
Now, coming up tomorrow, we're gonna make some changes.
Highs probably in the low 80s.
There it is.
And check this out, a cold front moving in What the The government is lying to you! They use religion to control the poor, do you know that? I did.
Well, great, more cops.
What, are you gonna steal my sister away from me, too? Burn the White House! What the fuck did she do? That's how I got into crack.
Latter-day Saints, my ass! You think that's bad? You ever see Cookie Party? Is that like a chocolate three-way? No, it's a TV show about cookies.
- Are you being sarcastic? - I think she was being facetious.
This braid look like dookie.
Facetious? That's my baby's name.
Friend? Get your head off my titties, bitch.
Look, I know that you're scared that I might change things between you and Laura.
Hey, change scares me, too.
That's right.
I'm a cop and I get scared.
We're not so different, you and I.
Sarah, are you okay? Laura! Thank God, it seems like forever since Jay started talking.
Guard, open up! Jay's arranged for all the charges against you to be dropped.
- Again.
- Sweet! Sarah, what happened tonight was unacceptable.
And there comes a time when we have to take responsibility I forgive you.
Thank you.
I'm so sorry.
You were right and I was wrong.
We had an appointment, and I never should have broken it.
Get over here, you old son of a gun.
Let's go home.
- Let's get you scrubbed up.
- Yeah.
See anything you like, Brian? No, I'm not bisexual, dude.
Yeah, no kidding.
There's not a name for what you are.
No, I mean, when we almost died in the back of the car tonight, my whole life flashed before me.
You know how many women were in it? - Three? - No.
None.
- Really? - Yeah, I'm totally gay for you.
I'm totally gay for you, too, dude.
What a sweet way to go to Hell.
I learned so much today, Doug.
I learned that orange cough syrup can make your car fly.
And I learned that Laura needs a man in her life to feel good about herself.
Sad.
Also I learned that whether you're gay, bisexual, it doesn't matter, you know? Because at the end of the day, they're both gross.
But, mostly, I learned that elderly black women are wise beyond their years, but that younger black women are prostitutes.
Good night? I always wake up with the morning sun I always take my pills with herbal tea I always never cW And I've always wondered why I always have to watch myself When I go pee I really love my life And I'll also tell you what If I find a stick I'll put it in your mama's butt And pull it out and stick The doodie in her eye