The Smoking Room (2004) s01e01 Episode Script

- No, that's The Waltons.
- Oh, yeah, you're right.
We've got time for another, haven't we? Yeah.
If you've got one.
No, that's an ambulance.
You're thinking I should call Dan, aren't you? Agree to that date.
No.
I'm thinking I really shouldn't have had those last three tequilas.
- I cannot focus.
- (Door opens ) Has anyone seen Barry this morning? Ooh! I have, Janet.
What do you think's up with him? - What do you mean ''up with''? - He's acting well weird.
Smiling, talking to people.
I passed him before.
- He goes, ''Hello, Clint.
'' - Ooh, that's not like Barry.
It's a big day for him today.
I know you don't talk shop in here.
It's all right, something like this.
You've got your funny little rules.
I won't break them.
Before you rush off, Janet, can I pick your brains for a moment? If it's about the new fast-track scheme, it's going to have to wait.
- No, it's not.
- That is shop.
And I'm not interested.
Can you remember the theme tune to the Little House On The Prairie? No.
Why's it so important? - It is important? - Yes.
I won't be able to do a stroke of work until I get it.
I nearly ruined my finals cos I couldn't remember the bird's name in Snoopy.
- Woodstock.
- Well, I know that now.
That was bollocks.
As if a dog would be mates with a little bird.
He'd rip its throat out.
Yes, well, some of us are working while you lot fritter your time away on trivia.
Ooh! Was it (All) That was The Waltons.
Was it? Soshould I go for that drink with Dan? Do you want to go for a drink with him? I'm not sure.
Annie, you've got to a third date.
You've never managed that before.
No.
You were right.
Refusing to have sex straightaway kept him keen.
Yeah, you gotta hold back till at least thefourth, fifth date.
- You didn't? - I did.
Three times.
He said I was very accomplished.
But Do you promise you'll keep this to yourself, yeah? Of course.
He wanted me to dress up as a police officer.
Oh, yeah? The old black stockings? - A male police officer.
- Ah.
Quite specifically, the officer in charge of the Fred West case.
Yeah.
Best off out of that.
- Yeah.
- (Others hum wildly) I wish I'd kept the cap.
It was surprisingly flattering.
I should have known The Waltons.
They saved my brother's life.
The Waltons didn't save lives.
You're thinking of The Dukes Of Hazzard.
No, it was definitely The Waltons.
- Large mole, dungarees.
- Yeah, that's the one.
- You see, my brother's epileptic.
- Oh, the poor guy.
So he can't watch cartoons.
No.
My family always said good night like the Waltons.
We'd say, ''Good night, Dada.
'' ''Good night, Janet.
'' ''Good night, Mama.
'' ''Good night, Janet.
'' ''Good night, Nicola.
'' - Etcetera.
- Yes.
Only one night when we got to, ''Good night, Stuart'', all we heard back was(Retches ) He was choking on his own tongue.
If it hadn't been for The Waltons, he'd have died.
Sois he still alive now? Very much so.
Very much so.
He runs his own caravan park in Keswick.
- And is he still an eppy? - Epileptic, yes.
So the on-site disco has a disappointing light show.
Shit.
I need a coffee.
If you've got change for the machine, I'll get us both one.
Oh, cheers.
What do you need change of? - No, I just need change.
- I'll get 'em.
(Upbeat) Good morning.
- Hello.
- Wotcha.
- All right.
- Barry, you seem in a fine mood today.
- That's becauseI am.
- Good for you.
- Tearing through the crossword? - Erm - Yeah.
- (Coins clatter in slot) - Is it still tomato soup for black coffee? - No, tomato soup for tea.
- So what do you press for black coffee? - Horlicks.
I must say, Barry, I'm surprised to see you doing the crossword and not preparing for your interview.
Are you going on the telly? No, no.
It's just that after years of being overlooked, I'm finally going to get the recognition I deserve.
I'm being promoted.
Possibly.
I don't believe this.
Clint! - Yeah.
- I've just pressed for Horlicks.
It's given me Horlicks.
What's up with that? - Ermnothing.
- I wanted coffee.
And I pressed for tea and it's given mepowdered Ovaltine.
- Someone should take a look at that.
- Yeah, you.
It's your job.
I won't make it through lunch without caffeine.
- She keeps falling asleep.
- I do not.
- Fell asleep on one of her designs.
- I didn't.
Woke up with a stencil on her cheek.
I thought she'd had a tattoo.
- Annie! - Yeah, stop talking shop.
Are you gonna fix it or what? Why should I have to work while I'm smoking? No one else does.
Look at it like this.
You won't be working while you smoke.
You'll be smoking while you work.
- I'm not sure that's allowed.
- Sweet.
I'll get my kit.
Smoking while I work Man, I love this job.
So, Janet, why am I only possibly gonna get this promotion? - There's the interview to get through.
- But that's just a formality.
It certainly isn't.
They're not gonna give the job to Malcolm, are they? Alcky Malcky? Congratulations, Barry.
It's in the bag.
It was very brave of Malcolm to admit he's an alcoholic.
He had no choice.
He was sprawled over reception in a pool of his own vomit with a traffic cone on his head.
And he'd shat himself.
Not just himself.
He won't get it.
Of course he's not going to get the job but you have to be careful with drunks.
- If they don't get a fair hearing they sue.
- What job are you going for? - Well - You know Martin Gosworth is retiring? Barry might be replacing him.
Might? I can't see why they're bothering to interview at all.
It's not just between you and Malcolm.
There's an external candidate.
Monique Coin from BFJ.
Oh, Barry.
- You know her? - Oh, yeah.
I know Monique.
I won't lie to you, Barry.
She's shit hot.
That's not a phrase I'd have used.
Though one of her referees chose to.
But she is a strong candidate.
I thought that job had my name on it.
Not any more.
Barry, can you remember the theme tune to the Little House On The Prairie? - Not now, Robin.
- Sorry.
- What else can you tell me about her? - Wellshe's my sort of age.
- What, early 30s? - (Sniggers ) I'm 27, you cheeky sod! She shot through the ranks at BFJ.
Anyway, Barry, Monique's in with Sharon now, then it's Malcolm.
There's a feeling that mightn't run the full half hour.
So shall I come here to collect you when we're ready? I'll come here to collect you when we're ready.
If you're getting panicky, Barry, hearing how slim your chances are, I've got a great exercise for alleviating stress.
Close your eyes.
Picture yourself on a warm sandy beach.
Gulls are circling in the skies overhead.
Listen to the sound of the sea as it washes on the shore.
Whoosh.
And back out.
Whoosh.
And back out.
Whoosh.
And back Ooh.
It's making me need a widdle.
Sally? Sally! Do you think I should phone Dan when I get back upstairs, then? Say I shall meet him after all.
Hm? What do you think? Should I? Shouldn't I? - Yes? No? - It's up to you.
- What does that mean? - It means it's up to you.
Oh, yeah.
- All right, I will.
- Great.
Thank God.
I just need five minutes' break away from the wittering.
- It's Annie, Annie, Annie.
- Oi, oi, oi.
- Eh? - Never mind.
I hope Monique doesn't witter on once she starts.
Oh, be a man, Barry.
She mightn't get the job.
Sharon might feel threatened by her.
Good-looking young woman, dynamic, go-getting.
Zooming up the ladder.
I've got no hope.
Yeah.
Wellgood luck anyway.
I ermgot the lowdown on Annie's new fella.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
His name's Dan.
He's 37.
He works in insurance and she reckons he looks like Marlon Brando.
Yeah, right.
Oh, not with the vest and leather cap.
The big fat Godfather version.
Oh.
Well, as long as she's happy.
I don't think she is.
He sounds a bit kinky.
Got her to dress up as a copper.
She didn't say as much but, reading between the lines, I reckon there were handcuffs involved.
Yeah.
Truncheonmaybe.
Probably up her arse.
Still, as long as she's enjoying herself.
It's a shame cos she's really quite romantic.
Deep down.
Right, you lot.
Try this one for size.
Dynasty.
- Not Little House On The Prairie? - Not even vaguely.
Oh, bollocks, I thought I'd nailed it.
I thought I had till you swanned in as a one-man band.
Fuck you, then.
I was only trying to help.
I'm amazed you've even heard the tune to Dynasty.
Yeah.
It was on in the wards.
You know, when I had that business with me lungs.
I was hooked.
Mm.
Every cloud has a silver lining.
Yeah.
I've still got Joanie's picture on me bog door.
Right.
Whoa.
Flashing lights.
I need to track down some Nurofen.
Here, Barry.
Never guess who I've just signed in.
That girl who's after Martin's job.
Monique Coin? What's she like? - (Inhales ) Bit of a ball breaker, Barry.
- Buggeration.
Ooh.
You'll have to drop that kind of talk when she starts.
She had a right fucking go at me for saying shit.
I'd just been for one when she walked up.
She's only being interviewed.
It's not certain she'll get it.
That's it.
Keep your confidence up.
Yeah.
- Barry's being interviewed too.
- Oh, Barry.
I don't rate your chances against that one.
She's probably not ready for management.
She's young, really young.
Oh, God, I'll be 40 in November.
Well, there you go.
Life begins at 40.
Does it fuck.
Seeingall the boys.
Yeah.
This is how it should be, yeah? No birds gassing on about tights and bra shit.
It's guy time.
We can talk about man things.
Yeah! - Ah, Lils.
- Lilian.
- Is that thing playing up again? - Yeah.
- Poor girl's not feeling too clever.
- Oh, just fancied a chocca moccacino.
Hey, Barry, why so snazzy? I'm being interviewed for Martin's job.
What's happened to the no-shop-talk rule? Barry's interview isn't shop.
It's more tittle-tattle.
Honestly, Barry? You're taking over from Martin? I thought I was.
Now it seems I'm being hauled in to bump up the numbers.
Like Posh in the Spice Girls.
- They're seeing an external candidate.
- Ooh, a fresh face.
Hey, I hope it's a man.
Unattached.
Mid-50s would be nice.
But not too overweight.
Well, not overweight at all.
And as much of his own hair as he can manage.
But no ex-wife lurking in the background bleeding him dry.
Although you do have to wonder.
50-odd and still not married.
There's something not quite right there.
Oh, he's a bloody oddball.
They're seeing a woman and her name's Monique.
Another woman Christ! How are you ever meant to meet a fella? Oh, she'll give you a dog's life, Barry.
Now, don't get me wrong.
I'm a feminist.
But women always make the worst bosses.
Len! - Look at Alexis Carrington.
- There's some cracking lady bosses.
- Nah.
- You can't mean Sharon.
Obviously I don't mean Sharon.
Like Hitler in a trouser suit, that one.
- Hitler wore a trouser suit.
- Not in lilac.
Natalie Costello.
- What? - Natalie Costello.
Best lady boss ever.
- Who the hell's Natalie Costello? - She was my boss at Woolie's.
It was just a Saturday job so she might have been a bitch for most of the week but she was well best boss on Saturdays.
Let us help ourselves to the pick 'n' mix and if the customers were all, ''This young man gave me the wrong change.
He's useless!'' she'd be all, ''Kiss my arse.
'' Best lady boss of all timeeasy.
I can't believe Martin's finally retiring.
Jammy sod.
I can't wait to retire.
I've got it all mapped out.
I'm going to swim with the dolphins.
Not for me whole retirement.
I mean, I'd be knackered.
But as a one-off.
I can't see what's so marvellous about swimming with dolphins.
They're just very big fish.
People never want to swim with whitebait.
Dolphins are highly intelligent.
Bright enough not to waste their lives working.
They just splash around and go (Bleats like a dolphin ) Oh, Robin, man, spot on.
I thought a dolphin had come in then.
That's dolphin forthank you.
Well, I can't hang around here all day, planning me retirement.
I'd better get back up now while I've still got my youth.
Robin, I meant to say.
I've got the theme tune for the Little House On The Prairie.
Lilian, you angel.
Is it, erm No.
No, it isn't.
- Well, what was that? - That wasjust wrong.
That's what Tess Parnell said.
I thought you'd know it, Barry.
- No.
- Don't worry.
It won't be in the interview.
Yeah, you'll be fine as long as you're prepared.
- You have prepared, haven't you? - I thought it was me and Alcky Malcky.
Oh, Barry.
Wake up and smell the interview.
- Let's get you ready now.
- How? Well, we'll do a dry run.
Throw out some awkward questions, see how you cope.
- Yeah, I'll be Sharon.
- I should be Sharon.
I'm the woman.
- Well, who will I be, then? - You can be Barry.
How does that help me? Oh, yeah.
Well, er I'll be Sharon, you be you.
- And Robin can be - An impartial observer.
- There won't be one of them there? - Just for the dry run.
Soif you're Sharon and Barry's Barry, should I be Robin? No, you just carry on fixing that.
SoI'm Sharon.
She won't have a ciggie on the go, obviously.
Or such good legs.
And you won't have your crossword.
Oh.
No.
(Scottish accent) So, Barry, thank you for attending this interview.
- You should say something back.
- Like what? - Ta.
- Should he come in through the door? It's not Peer Gynt.
Let's skip the chit-chat.
He'll be fine with that.
Will I? Why exactly do you want this job? It's a lot more money and I get a desk by the window.
- You can't say that.
- He's keeping it real.
I think you should keep it unreal.
Lie.
Well, Sharonit's not like I can't do the job.
An orang-utan could do the job, if it was trained in PowerPoint and Excel.
It's just that I've always found that two types of people get ahead in this life.
The first type, sadly, arebackstabbers, networkers, users.
The second I like to think of asshit houses.
And I'm neither.
I've always played with a straight bat.
Not the most dynamic of men necessarily.
And so I've had to sit back and watch the most unlikely people get promoted above my head.
Promoted to the top in some cases.
Well, one case.
And you know, I can't (Stammers ) It's a joke.
Someone needs to stop the rot.
So, in light of all this, please please, please, please, give me this job.
- Oh, you'll be fine.
- You'll walk it.
- Morning, everyone.
- Easy, Shazza.
- Oh, hello, Sharon.
- I don't know.
Rush, rush.
Barely have time to light a cigarette before I stub it out.
If you struggle with time management, you can do a course.
Don't know if I'd find time to go.
You just have to make time if it's a problem area.
Right.
Erm, Sharon, before I hurry back to the grindstone, can you not that I'm implying my job is Can you remember the theme tune to the Little House On The Prairie? I don't understand.
Little House? - Theme tune? - It's a TV show.
- The Little House On The Prairie.
- They were all blind.
- Some of them.
- I don't watch television.
- Yeah.
- I haven't even got a set.
Get with the programme, Sharon.
Boss of this place, you must be able to afford one.
You should get down to Dixons.
It's boring.
A load of people you don't know chuntering away in the corner.
Am I ever going to get this bloody tune? Is it too much to ask? Yeah, it is too much I've no objection to you watching telly if it helps you relax and prepare for the next day but I have a social life.
- We never see you down the Nag's.
- I said a social life, not a drink problem.
Oh, didn't think I'd find you in here, Barry.
Thought you'd be preparing for your interview.
- Like you are.
- I don't need to prepare.
You got all those killer questions lined up? And then some.
No, it'll be a very easy-going affair.
It's not like I don't know what I'd be getting with you.
- It's nice to see you've smartened up.
- Is that a dig? - I don't think so.
- Because this is a new tie.
Pierre Cardin.
Barry, that says ''pure cotton''.
Eh? It won't go against you, Barry.
If you don't get the job, your appearance won't be the crucial factor.
What did this new girl, this Monique, have on? An absolutely beautiful suit.
Donna Karan.
You've no intention of giving me this job, have you? Barry, that is quite a slur on my professionalism and I don't like it.
OK, so I am aware of your past record but if you give a good interview, I will take that on board.
I like to think that every job in this company, from myself right the way on down to to Clint, has gone to the best possible person.
( # Hums upbeat tune ) Knight Rider.
This post will be no different.
There you go, Barry.
May the best man win.
Or woman.
I'd better hurry this.
I've got to get Malcolm out of the way before I see you.
Monique.
Oops.
Now you know my secret vice.
I knew you couldn't be entirely perfect.
I hope I wasn't such an ogre that I've driven you to the fags.
Not at all and I hope interviewing me wasn't such a trauma that you had to run off and have one.
- (Both laugh) - Jesus wept.
Of course not.
It was a pleasure.
Listen, I've got to dash but I'll see you at yoga.
Never miss it.
Hello.
I'm Monique.
Looks as though we'll all be colleagues within a month or so.
- Doesn't that depend? - Of course.
On the package they offer me and whether BFJ can bear to let me go.
I think they could.
Oh, isn't it working? - No, it never does.
- Do you mind if I Er, this is a sophisticated piece of machinery.
You get me? You can't go arsing about with it.
I see what the problem is.
This cup has toppled onto its side causing a blockage.
- It should be fine now.
- Yeah.
I was just gonna do that.
Then I've saved you the effort.
Yeah.
Well, well, well, aren't we multi-talented? I should hope we all are.
Don't want to be working with dead wood.
I suppose you'll be talking to our clients in Gdansk in Polish.
Oczywicie.
- Barry.
- What? Oh, so you're Barry.
OK, that makes sense.
Hello again, Monique.
- Hi.
Just calming the old nerves.
- Nerves? It was a sterling performance.
I believe you came in to talk to me, Janet.
Oh, yes, sorry.
Erm, Malcolm's turned up to his interview in rather ajolly state, with the traffic cone again.
I've suggested he lie down somewhere, other than Sharon's office.
So we're bringing your interview forward.
- Oh, God.
- No, no.
Finish your cigarette first, but three minutes, yes? Thank you, Malcolm.
Let's face it, Barry, another 15 minutes wouldn't really help your chances.
(Monique ) Yes, she's right.
They're either looking for new ideas and fresh input or the devil they know.
(Hums ) Hello.
Hi.
This is Monique.
I see.
Actually, I know we've only just met.
This may strike you as a forward question.
Can I stop you there, please? I am spoken for.
Erthat's fine, love.
I just wanted to ask, can you remember the theme tune to the Little House On The Prairie? Oh, little girl.
Half-pint.
Everyone wore gingham.
- Yeah, can you remember the tune? - Erm Wasn't it (Clears throat) # Da-da-da-ra! Da-da-ra! - No, that's - # Da-da-da-ra - Hang on.
- # Da-da-da You're right.
That's it.
Yes.
That's it! Yes! Shit, Barry, she's good.