The Thin Blue Line s01e01 Episode Script
The Queen's Birthday Present
Right, that concludes this morning's briefing.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
And never forget that in the grand order of life, There are but two forces-- Those of order And those of chaos.
And between them, there lies us, The thin blue line.
So that's three forces then.
Two forces, constable Goody, as I've explained.
The forces of order and of chaos.
Yes, and us in the middle, the police force.
I think we'd better pick this up again later.
You're all due out on patrol.
Dear, oh dear, Raymond, Why do you bluebottles bother? The uniformed constable is obsolete.
Extinct, like the "doo-doo.
" Computers, sir.
That's where it's all rocking, isn't it, eh? That's right, Kray, In the shadowy electronic alleyways Of the internet, A new type of villain lurks.
Right, how is our investigation into stolen credit cards going? All in the computer, sir.
The way to stop credit cards being stolen Is for people to take care of their property.
I'd like to meet the man who could get inside my trousers.
What is more, my officers are far from being "doo-doos," Or indeed, dodos.
They are, in fact, first rate.
Keen of eye, swift of thought And regular of bowel.
They don't need computers to solve crimes Because they have brains, Grim.
Remember them? A bobby's best friend Is his brain.
Well, it's pretty clear-- he got in through the window.
Unless, of course, The window was broken after the villains gained entry.
Broken from within.
- You mean an inside job? - You've got to admit, it would all fit.
What, that he robbed his own flat? Exactly! Insurance claim, Maggie.
It's a nice little motive.
All the glass is on the inside, Kevin.
Do you reckon that after he smashed it, He went outside, picked up all the bits and brought them back in? It's possible.
His fingers are cut up, we've got our man.
- Just Get your notebook, Kevin? - Yes.
Now then, sir, - I know you're upset-- - whoops! Kevin! Could you give us some idea of what's been taken and their value? "what's been taken"? My self-respect, My peace of mind, My sense of well-being.
Could you describe these items please, sir? They are beyond value! Told you-- mega insurance claim.
- Shut up! - What are you lot gonna do? - This has ruined my life! - We'll do our best, sir, But the clear-up rate for burglaries is so-- I don't know why I even bothered calling you lot out.
You're about as much use as a tin-tack in a jockstrap.
Oh.
- Name? - ( slurred ) can't remember.
"Mr.
R.
Sole.
" I mean, the bloke was devastated.
Everything he had had been defiled.
Photos smashed, clothes torn.
They even did a whoopsie in his goldfish bowl.
And there's nothing we can do.
You could fish it out.
You've got to learn to walk away.
There's more to life than being a copper.
I don't know how you can say that.
You're virtually married to the force, going out with inspector Fowler.
He doesn't care about anything but the police.
Oh, I'm sorry, Pat, I didn't mean that-- I know very well what you meant, Maggie, And you're wrong.
Raymond has a deep and romantic soul.
You know, I think I've got a slow puncture.
Oh well, another evening spread out on the kitchen table Wrestling with my inner tube.
We've been together 10 years, Maggie.
It can't all be candlelit dinner, Jars of vaseline and double-jointed sexual gymnastics.
My turn to cook tonight, I think, darling.
I thought I might make rissoles.
Actually, tomorrow's the 10th anniversary of our relationship.
I'm going to surprise him with a special breakfast.
Or perhaps a nice bit of bloater.
Wake up, Raymond.
Breakfast.
What? Oh! Bless my twinkling stars, Patricia.
What is all this? Oh, well, well.
Coffee, toast Or something which at some point Has certainly been toast.
And scrambled egg, if I'm not mistaken.
You are.
I'm afraid it's a waffle.
Oh dear.
People worry too much about how food looks.
What's it gonna look like after it's worked its way Through 28 feet of small intestine? Well, quite.
Mmm.
Perhaps a smidgeon too much salt-- - There isn't any salt in it.
- I'm afraid there is.
In that case I put sugar on your bacon and eggs.
It's those habitat serving jars I put everything in.
You can't tell one thing from another.
I can never force much down in the morning anyway, Except, perhaps, a cup of coffee.
It's only instant.
Ugh.
In this case, instant gravy.
Another mix up with the serving jars, I fear, my darling.
Oh well, never mind.
All in all, it was a very nice Uh, thought.
I can't imagine what moved you to such a splendid gesture.
- Can't you? - Umm No, no, no, I fear not.
But-- but it's much appreciated anyway.
Now I really must rush.
I have a small gift item to pick up before work.
Oh peachy, you did remember.
Of course I remembered, cabbage.
I always remember the important things.
Cutting edge of technology.
Cutting edge of fannying about.
What's wrong with a biro that's what I say.
I've booted up and I've patched in.
I'm online, offline, downloaded And extremely cheesed off.
You need to integrate your power supply at source, sir.
What? Plug it in.
And so, to the topic of the day, which is pickpocketing.
Oh, by the way, I'll just leave the collecting tin For the queen's birthday present here, shall I? About £3 apiece should cover it.
Excuse me, sir.
I didn't quite catch that.
The collecting tin For the queen's official birthday Which is next week.
But of course, you all knew that.
We are members of her majesty's police force.
The queen is, in effect, our boss.
And compared to many bosses, she is a model employer.
She does not attempt to kiss the secretaries at the christmas party She does not insist on having the best coffee mug, Or hogging all the chocolate hobnobs.
She's had a pretty rotten time of it of late.
It'd be a nice thing to show her she's appreciated.
Personally I think celebrating birthdays at work Is a bad idea.
Yes, well, on this occasion-- I mean that awful business of going for a curry With people you either don't know or don't like.
- Yes, yes, well-- - and there is nothing to do but drink.
So before you know it, you're doing the old elephant impression.
And everyone else in the restaurant hates you Because quite frankly, they couldn't give a flying hoo-ha Whether the birthday girl lives or dies.
Yes, well, I wasn't really thinking Of taking her majesty for a curry.
What's your elephant impression, Frank? You pull your trousers pockets inside out, you see? And then you unzip-- Thank you, Gladstone.
I have, in fact, already taken the liberty Of purchasing her a gift-- A small porcelain figurine Of a young lad fishing.
The collecting tin is there, as I say.
It's very much up to you.
I don't want to buy the queen a present, sir.
She's an anti-christ.
I beg your pardon?! Oh no, I mean anarchist.
No, no, what's that word for someone who's out of date And doesn't matter anymore? - You mean an anachronism.
- That's right.
The queen's an anachronism.
I thought that was someone who was scared of spiders? No, no, that's an arachnophobic.
I thought that was a person who was scared of wide-open spaces.
No, that's agoraphobics.
They can't handle going outside.
Arachnophobics hate spiders.
Look, we're talking about the queen.
Is the queen scared of spiders? You wouldn't have thought so, but it's beginning to look that way.
Perhaps that's why she's scared to go outside, sir.
Can you spare Habib a moment? Yes, of course.
Carry on, constable.
Thank you, darling.
Not darling.
Inspector darling.
No, sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry, I'm just so happy, so excited.
Will you give it me after work? Uh Possibly, I don't know.
No, no, don't spoil it.
I only get one once a year, and I want it to be a surprise.
No, sir, I'm afraid we haven't made any progress at all.
- I'm very sorry.
- People don't matter anymore, do they? I didn't matter to the bloke who robbed me, And I don't matter to you.
Sir, please.
We really are trying.
So, pickpocketing-- Come on, come on, come on.
- A crime which has traditionally Been looked upon with some indulgence.
We have all seen the musical "Oliver" And are familiar with the images Of jolly, apple-cheeked urchins in big hats.
Well, dispel this cozy impression.
The artful dodger was a thief, And I don't think he'd have considered himself quite so "at home" In a juvenile detention center, Which is where I'd have put him.
Thieving is thieving, And no amount of "oom-pah-pah" Or "boom-titty-titty" will change that.
An englishman's pockets are his castle.
More like his pocket billiards room.
( chuckles ) Detective constable Kray, There is a place for fatuous, flippant, Would-be humorous inanities, And that place is on "Noel's house party" Not in a police station.
Yes, sir.
Right, so let's see how it's done.
Step forward, constable Goody.
Walk towards me.
- Oops, I do beg your pardon.
- It's quite all right, sir.
Not all right for you, I fear, Goody, Because I have relieved you of the contents of your pocket.
In this case A Mars bar.
Constable Goody, a Mars bars is scarcely police equipment, is it? - No, sir.
- "no, sir," indeed, sir.
Are there any other items of confectionary Secreted about your person? No, sir.
And by that you mean? I've got a Curly Wurly in my truncheon pouch.
In that case, get it out before it melts And soils the queen's trousers.
It's not going to melt, is it? It's going to get eaten.
Great jangling jehovah, it is not! I've never heard of such a thing.
I will not have my officers gorging themselves Whilst on duty.
Hand it over.
Now sit down.
Now let's see if any of you can pick my pocket.
You're not gonna do the elephant impression, are you? I couldn't believe it! Making me fish my Curly Wurly out of my trousers.
He's going potty.
He is, you know? Fancy rushing out before work to buy a present for the queen.
I bet she never gets him anything.
I'm trying to trace missing credit cards.
The bills are being done with stolen credit cards.
Yeah, yeah, pepperoni Anchovies, spicy sausage and chili.
Constable Kray, this is a bleeding nick, Not a bleeding cafeteria.
- Nothing for you then, sir? - No, nothing for me.
Just a bit of cheesecake and a can of diet lilt.
( banging ) Oh, come on, Kevin, You've been going on about this all morning.
He only pinched your Mars bar.
- It was for her.
- What? That Mars bar was for the most beautiful, The most gorgeous woman who ever walked the earth.
You bought Gloria Hunniford a Mars bar? Constable Habib! I bought constable Habib a Mars bar! She likes Mars bars.
I saw her eating one once.
I've seen her eating sausage, egg, chips and beans.
That doesn't mean if you buy her a fry up you'll get your leg over.
No, no, Maggie Habib's not a little girl.
You can't win her with sweets.
She's a woman, And if you want to impress a woman, You have to act like a man.
- Act like a man.
- That's right, sir.
She won't take any notice of you Unless you are firm.
That's how I treated my wife-- firm.
Mm-hmm! One day I said to her, "if I feel like stopping out drinking, I will.
And what's more, I expect my dinner on the table when I get home.
" She took notice of that? I don't know.
I never saw her again.
Engaged again.
What's the point of belonging To the "emergency lost credit card instant speedy hotline" If whenever you ring them they're engaged? Raymond, have you bought a birthday present for the queen? Yes.
Is there a problem? When did you last buy me a present?! Why, on your last birthday, I believe.
A set of reversible spanners is not a present! It is a coded request to get a smack in the mouth! You idiot, Raymond! Police stations don't send loyal greetings to the monarch anymore! The queen and her whole family have become a joke.
You've only got to read the papers.
Get on with your work, constable.
I do not read the papers, Patricia.
Therefore I do not suffer from the illusion That rumor, innuendo and downright cheek Constitute news.
If you want to read something, then read a book.
For there is more that is true and relevant in one page Of Scott or Thackeray than in every newspaper ever printed! You haven't read any Walter Scott in years.
Nor any flippin' Thackeray.
You read Biggles books! And you make slurping noises in your cocoa while you do it! - Is that true, sir? - Well, I don't know.
Perhaps the tiniest gurgle.
No, I mean do you still read Biggles? That's what my little brother's reading at the moment.
He could do a very great deal worse.
Because even Biggles has much to tell us that is true About loyalty, courage, - Honor-- - gay love.
Yes.
- I beg your pardon? - Well, of course, sir.
Biggles and Ginger are lovers.
It's absolutely obvious.
I think it's great the way They make such a positive image of a homosexual partnership.
Biggles and Ginger Are comrades, constable Habib.
Comrades in arms.
Exactly.
I am stunned, constable Habib.
Absolutely stunned.
And indeed distressed That you choose to apply such a crass And puerile sexual connotation To innocent adventure yarns.
Come on, sir, they're grown men.
They must have a sexual life, But neither of them ever mention women.
They bunk together, breakfast together.
Biggles is always squeezing himself into Ginger's-- - Cockpit.
- Sopwith camel.
It's obvious.
It's the same with Sherlock Holmes and dr.
Watson.
Two blokes sharing a flat.
Sometimes it's months between cases.
What do they get up to in the meantime? They chat! They smoke their pipes! They poke the fire! ( chuckles ) Look, sir, if Holmes and Watson are lovers, so what? Is there anything wrong with that? Yes, constable, there is.
Because sex plays no part in these stories whatsoever, Hetero or otherwise.
The point of Biggles and of Sherlock Holmes Is to solve crimes and kill Germans.
And by heavens, that should be enough for any man.
I'm taking up a collection for the queen's birthday present.
Look, Raymond, you may have time for fannying about With presents and Biggles; Me and my officers are up to our necks in important detective work.
My officers and I.
- What about them? - Nothing about them.
I'm simply informing you that the phrase is, "my officers and I," not "me and my officers.
" Is that so?! Well, me and my officers Are on the brink of tracking down a bank-raid gang Via credit card transactions Which is, I think, a bit more important Than fannying about and speaking hoity-toity.
The rules of grammar, hoity-toity or otherwise, Are there so that meaningful sentences can be formed And more importantly, generally understood.
Start stringing words together willy-nilly And it could lead to no end of confusion.
Constable Kray, lend me your notebook.
Look here-- "the criminal ran round my side and out the back At a colossal lick.
" Jumble up the words and suddenly you have, "the criminal licked out my colossal round backside and ran.
" Is that so?! Well, try these words in a different order! "bugger" and "off!" I mean, "off" and "bugger!" Damn! Now remember what I said, Kevin.
Act like a man-- be firm, be masterful.
So basically, just be myself.
No.
Hey, you! Jaywalking is a crime.
Get back on the pavement.
Get back on the pavement, please.
Goody, would you mind telling me what-- Hang on a minute.
Pickpocket.
Not this time, punk! Crime's a disease.
Meet the cure.
That's my grandson.
He's helping me carry my shopping.
He squashed my plums, gran.
Don't be silly, love.
I didn't buy any plums.
At last.
Hello? Is that the "emergency lost credit card instant speedy hotline"? Yes, I can hold.
Hello? Yes.
Yes, I'd like to report the loss of my credit cards.
First, however, I should like to point out that the words "emergency," "instant," And "speedy" have no place in your company title.
"infuriating," yes.
"tawdry," certainly.
"absolutely blinking outrageous," oh, I think so.
No, madam, I will not accept your apology Because I do not believe that you mean it.
I believe that you are indifferent to the fact That I've just had to listen to "the Mull of Kintyre" seven times.
- ( dial tone ) - hello? Hello? - ( beeping ) - sir? - Yes? - I've traced that missing credit card.
- ( laughs ) - You're gonna love this.
( laughs ) Oh yes.
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes.
Oh yes, oh yes - Oh yes, Kray! - Aah! That was the worst beat I have ever been on.
It was like being on patrol with a flippin' two-year-old.
Look He was a funny looking old bloke hanging around at a school gate.
- I had to collar him.
- Kevin, he was a lollipop man.
Just keep out of my way for a while, okay? That's it.
I'm just wasting my time.
I think I'm gonna pack it in.
I'm gonna leave the force.
I just had a call from the fire brigade.
They're in the high street.
A man is threatening suicide from a tall building.
I'm going to attend the scene myself.
That'll make him jump, if nothing else does.
Constable Habib, I may require a woman officer.
- Kindly come with me.
- Yes, sir.
( sighs ) I reckon she hates me now.
I reckon she thinks I'm a prannet.
Oh yeah? How'd you work that out? It was something she said.
She said, "I hate you, Kevin, I think you're a prannet.
" Look, You got to grovel a bit, ain't you, eh? The birds love it.
You gotta say, "listen, doll, I was a real pillock.
" A bucket of champagne, and the chockies, And steam in for the bunk-up.
Right.
Champagne, and chocolates.
Yeah, it gets them every time, doesn't it? The drawer dropper, the knicker stripper.
Excuse me, sir, would you mind coming in off this ledge? Oh! Oh, you care about me now, do you? Nobody respects me, nobody cares about me.
I'm a nothing, a nobody, Friendless and alone.
But the same thing could be said about the prime minister And he leads a full and active life.
Give me one good reason not to jump! All right, I will.
That is a public pavement down there.
Others have to use that pavement, And they should not be required to circumnavigate your pureed person In order to do so.
May I speak to him, sir? Oh, very well, I seem to have exhausted my powers of persuasion.
Remember me? You say nobody cares about you.
That's a lie.
I decided to leave the police today Because of you And how we could do nothing to help.
Is that true? - Yes, constable Habib, is that true? - It was true.
But I can see now it would just be running away.
Just like you're running away now.
The bloke who did your house over isn't going to make me run.
And you shouldn't let him make you, either.
He took your video, but he can't take your spirit.
You have to give that away yourself.
For god's sake, man, what are you waiting for? I've never heard anything so well put in my entire life.
Come on in off that ledge this instant.
I was extremely proud of you today, constable Habib.
It wasn't your fault the silly fool jumped.
Inspector Fowler, You are under arrest.
I beg your pardon, inspector Grim? A credit card belonging to you Has been used to hire a car Which was subsequently deployed in a drug deal.
You know damn well that my pocket was picked.
My credit cards were taken.
Is that so? It hasn't been reported stolen, has it, Kray? No, sir.
When did you discover the loss of this credit card? This morning, at the briefing! And yet you still haven't reported it eight hours later? I've been trying! They were engaged-- ( laughing ) How's it feel to have someone being A bit clever and hoity-toity with you for a change, Raymond? We got the bloke who nicked your card and the drugs.
It's gonna look pretty amusing when it comes up on your statement-- A stolen car plus half a pound of heroin.
( laughing ) You be a bit more careful in future.
Yes, thank you, Derek, I will.
Inspector Grim, there's been another burglary.
Sergeant Dawkins, How often do I have to tell you I'm a detective inspector? I don't bother with burglaries.
Get uniform to go.
All right.
Constable Habib, Inspector Grim's house has just been burgled.
Come on, let's go, go, go! Wonder if he'll lose his self-esteem and try and kill himself? He will when he realizes it was a hoax.
Do you know, sometimes I just can't read my own handwriting.
That was extremely wrong of you, Patricia.
But he was probably going home anyway.
- Thank you.
- Stuff it.
I'm afraid sergeant Dawkins isn't very pleased with you.
The 10th anniversary of our relationship And you didn't get me anything! I don't know why you set such store by presents anyway, Pat.
Personally, I hate the way a man thinks When he's acted like a complete berk He can make it all right with a few chockies and a bottle of champagne.
I'd love a man who bought me chockies and champagne.
Maybe for an anniversary.
But any bloke who thought he could buy my affections like that - Would get a punch in the mouth! - ( whimpers ) What do you want, Kevin? And what are you hiding behind your back? Nothing.
Nothing, that is Except the chocolates and champagne Which I asked you to get for me While I was out at the suicide attempt.
Isn't that right, Goody? Hand them over then, laddie.
We can settle up later.
Well, now, cabbage, I have to confess that I'm more than a little hurt That you could think I would forget our anniversary.
Perhaps sometimes you forget that I have feelings too.
I'm sorry, peachy.
"to darling Maggie"-- Spelt with one "g" and a "y.
" "sorry about arresting the lollipop man.
Any chance of a bunk-up? Love, Kevin.
" Do you think we got away with it, sir? ( theme music playing )
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
And never forget that in the grand order of life, There are but two forces-- Those of order And those of chaos.
And between them, there lies us, The thin blue line.
So that's three forces then.
Two forces, constable Goody, as I've explained.
The forces of order and of chaos.
Yes, and us in the middle, the police force.
I think we'd better pick this up again later.
You're all due out on patrol.
Dear, oh dear, Raymond, Why do you bluebottles bother? The uniformed constable is obsolete.
Extinct, like the "doo-doo.
" Computers, sir.
That's where it's all rocking, isn't it, eh? That's right, Kray, In the shadowy electronic alleyways Of the internet, A new type of villain lurks.
Right, how is our investigation into stolen credit cards going? All in the computer, sir.
The way to stop credit cards being stolen Is for people to take care of their property.
I'd like to meet the man who could get inside my trousers.
What is more, my officers are far from being "doo-doos," Or indeed, dodos.
They are, in fact, first rate.
Keen of eye, swift of thought And regular of bowel.
They don't need computers to solve crimes Because they have brains, Grim.
Remember them? A bobby's best friend Is his brain.
Well, it's pretty clear-- he got in through the window.
Unless, of course, The window was broken after the villains gained entry.
Broken from within.
- You mean an inside job? - You've got to admit, it would all fit.
What, that he robbed his own flat? Exactly! Insurance claim, Maggie.
It's a nice little motive.
All the glass is on the inside, Kevin.
Do you reckon that after he smashed it, He went outside, picked up all the bits and brought them back in? It's possible.
His fingers are cut up, we've got our man.
- Just Get your notebook, Kevin? - Yes.
Now then, sir, - I know you're upset-- - whoops! Kevin! Could you give us some idea of what's been taken and their value? "what's been taken"? My self-respect, My peace of mind, My sense of well-being.
Could you describe these items please, sir? They are beyond value! Told you-- mega insurance claim.
- Shut up! - What are you lot gonna do? - This has ruined my life! - We'll do our best, sir, But the clear-up rate for burglaries is so-- I don't know why I even bothered calling you lot out.
You're about as much use as a tin-tack in a jockstrap.
Oh.
- Name? - ( slurred ) can't remember.
"Mr.
R.
Sole.
" I mean, the bloke was devastated.
Everything he had had been defiled.
Photos smashed, clothes torn.
They even did a whoopsie in his goldfish bowl.
And there's nothing we can do.
You could fish it out.
You've got to learn to walk away.
There's more to life than being a copper.
I don't know how you can say that.
You're virtually married to the force, going out with inspector Fowler.
He doesn't care about anything but the police.
Oh, I'm sorry, Pat, I didn't mean that-- I know very well what you meant, Maggie, And you're wrong.
Raymond has a deep and romantic soul.
You know, I think I've got a slow puncture.
Oh well, another evening spread out on the kitchen table Wrestling with my inner tube.
We've been together 10 years, Maggie.
It can't all be candlelit dinner, Jars of vaseline and double-jointed sexual gymnastics.
My turn to cook tonight, I think, darling.
I thought I might make rissoles.
Actually, tomorrow's the 10th anniversary of our relationship.
I'm going to surprise him with a special breakfast.
Or perhaps a nice bit of bloater.
Wake up, Raymond.
Breakfast.
What? Oh! Bless my twinkling stars, Patricia.
What is all this? Oh, well, well.
Coffee, toast Or something which at some point Has certainly been toast.
And scrambled egg, if I'm not mistaken.
You are.
I'm afraid it's a waffle.
Oh dear.
People worry too much about how food looks.
What's it gonna look like after it's worked its way Through 28 feet of small intestine? Well, quite.
Mmm.
Perhaps a smidgeon too much salt-- - There isn't any salt in it.
- I'm afraid there is.
In that case I put sugar on your bacon and eggs.
It's those habitat serving jars I put everything in.
You can't tell one thing from another.
I can never force much down in the morning anyway, Except, perhaps, a cup of coffee.
It's only instant.
Ugh.
In this case, instant gravy.
Another mix up with the serving jars, I fear, my darling.
Oh well, never mind.
All in all, it was a very nice Uh, thought.
I can't imagine what moved you to such a splendid gesture.
- Can't you? - Umm No, no, no, I fear not.
But-- but it's much appreciated anyway.
Now I really must rush.
I have a small gift item to pick up before work.
Oh peachy, you did remember.
Of course I remembered, cabbage.
I always remember the important things.
Cutting edge of technology.
Cutting edge of fannying about.
What's wrong with a biro that's what I say.
I've booted up and I've patched in.
I'm online, offline, downloaded And extremely cheesed off.
You need to integrate your power supply at source, sir.
What? Plug it in.
And so, to the topic of the day, which is pickpocketing.
Oh, by the way, I'll just leave the collecting tin For the queen's birthday present here, shall I? About £3 apiece should cover it.
Excuse me, sir.
I didn't quite catch that.
The collecting tin For the queen's official birthday Which is next week.
But of course, you all knew that.
We are members of her majesty's police force.
The queen is, in effect, our boss.
And compared to many bosses, she is a model employer.
She does not attempt to kiss the secretaries at the christmas party She does not insist on having the best coffee mug, Or hogging all the chocolate hobnobs.
She's had a pretty rotten time of it of late.
It'd be a nice thing to show her she's appreciated.
Personally I think celebrating birthdays at work Is a bad idea.
Yes, well, on this occasion-- I mean that awful business of going for a curry With people you either don't know or don't like.
- Yes, yes, well-- - and there is nothing to do but drink.
So before you know it, you're doing the old elephant impression.
And everyone else in the restaurant hates you Because quite frankly, they couldn't give a flying hoo-ha Whether the birthday girl lives or dies.
Yes, well, I wasn't really thinking Of taking her majesty for a curry.
What's your elephant impression, Frank? You pull your trousers pockets inside out, you see? And then you unzip-- Thank you, Gladstone.
I have, in fact, already taken the liberty Of purchasing her a gift-- A small porcelain figurine Of a young lad fishing.
The collecting tin is there, as I say.
It's very much up to you.
I don't want to buy the queen a present, sir.
She's an anti-christ.
I beg your pardon?! Oh no, I mean anarchist.
No, no, what's that word for someone who's out of date And doesn't matter anymore? - You mean an anachronism.
- That's right.
The queen's an anachronism.
I thought that was someone who was scared of spiders? No, no, that's an arachnophobic.
I thought that was a person who was scared of wide-open spaces.
No, that's agoraphobics.
They can't handle going outside.
Arachnophobics hate spiders.
Look, we're talking about the queen.
Is the queen scared of spiders? You wouldn't have thought so, but it's beginning to look that way.
Perhaps that's why she's scared to go outside, sir.
Can you spare Habib a moment? Yes, of course.
Carry on, constable.
Thank you, darling.
Not darling.
Inspector darling.
No, sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry, I'm just so happy, so excited.
Will you give it me after work? Uh Possibly, I don't know.
No, no, don't spoil it.
I only get one once a year, and I want it to be a surprise.
No, sir, I'm afraid we haven't made any progress at all.
- I'm very sorry.
- People don't matter anymore, do they? I didn't matter to the bloke who robbed me, And I don't matter to you.
Sir, please.
We really are trying.
So, pickpocketing-- Come on, come on, come on.
- A crime which has traditionally Been looked upon with some indulgence.
We have all seen the musical "Oliver" And are familiar with the images Of jolly, apple-cheeked urchins in big hats.
Well, dispel this cozy impression.
The artful dodger was a thief, And I don't think he'd have considered himself quite so "at home" In a juvenile detention center, Which is where I'd have put him.
Thieving is thieving, And no amount of "oom-pah-pah" Or "boom-titty-titty" will change that.
An englishman's pockets are his castle.
More like his pocket billiards room.
( chuckles ) Detective constable Kray, There is a place for fatuous, flippant, Would-be humorous inanities, And that place is on "Noel's house party" Not in a police station.
Yes, sir.
Right, so let's see how it's done.
Step forward, constable Goody.
Walk towards me.
- Oops, I do beg your pardon.
- It's quite all right, sir.
Not all right for you, I fear, Goody, Because I have relieved you of the contents of your pocket.
In this case A Mars bar.
Constable Goody, a Mars bars is scarcely police equipment, is it? - No, sir.
- "no, sir," indeed, sir.
Are there any other items of confectionary Secreted about your person? No, sir.
And by that you mean? I've got a Curly Wurly in my truncheon pouch.
In that case, get it out before it melts And soils the queen's trousers.
It's not going to melt, is it? It's going to get eaten.
Great jangling jehovah, it is not! I've never heard of such a thing.
I will not have my officers gorging themselves Whilst on duty.
Hand it over.
Now sit down.
Now let's see if any of you can pick my pocket.
You're not gonna do the elephant impression, are you? I couldn't believe it! Making me fish my Curly Wurly out of my trousers.
He's going potty.
He is, you know? Fancy rushing out before work to buy a present for the queen.
I bet she never gets him anything.
I'm trying to trace missing credit cards.
The bills are being done with stolen credit cards.
Yeah, yeah, pepperoni Anchovies, spicy sausage and chili.
Constable Kray, this is a bleeding nick, Not a bleeding cafeteria.
- Nothing for you then, sir? - No, nothing for me.
Just a bit of cheesecake and a can of diet lilt.
( banging ) Oh, come on, Kevin, You've been going on about this all morning.
He only pinched your Mars bar.
- It was for her.
- What? That Mars bar was for the most beautiful, The most gorgeous woman who ever walked the earth.
You bought Gloria Hunniford a Mars bar? Constable Habib! I bought constable Habib a Mars bar! She likes Mars bars.
I saw her eating one once.
I've seen her eating sausage, egg, chips and beans.
That doesn't mean if you buy her a fry up you'll get your leg over.
No, no, Maggie Habib's not a little girl.
You can't win her with sweets.
She's a woman, And if you want to impress a woman, You have to act like a man.
- Act like a man.
- That's right, sir.
She won't take any notice of you Unless you are firm.
That's how I treated my wife-- firm.
Mm-hmm! One day I said to her, "if I feel like stopping out drinking, I will.
And what's more, I expect my dinner on the table when I get home.
" She took notice of that? I don't know.
I never saw her again.
Engaged again.
What's the point of belonging To the "emergency lost credit card instant speedy hotline" If whenever you ring them they're engaged? Raymond, have you bought a birthday present for the queen? Yes.
Is there a problem? When did you last buy me a present?! Why, on your last birthday, I believe.
A set of reversible spanners is not a present! It is a coded request to get a smack in the mouth! You idiot, Raymond! Police stations don't send loyal greetings to the monarch anymore! The queen and her whole family have become a joke.
You've only got to read the papers.
Get on with your work, constable.
I do not read the papers, Patricia.
Therefore I do not suffer from the illusion That rumor, innuendo and downright cheek Constitute news.
If you want to read something, then read a book.
For there is more that is true and relevant in one page Of Scott or Thackeray than in every newspaper ever printed! You haven't read any Walter Scott in years.
Nor any flippin' Thackeray.
You read Biggles books! And you make slurping noises in your cocoa while you do it! - Is that true, sir? - Well, I don't know.
Perhaps the tiniest gurgle.
No, I mean do you still read Biggles? That's what my little brother's reading at the moment.
He could do a very great deal worse.
Because even Biggles has much to tell us that is true About loyalty, courage, - Honor-- - gay love.
Yes.
- I beg your pardon? - Well, of course, sir.
Biggles and Ginger are lovers.
It's absolutely obvious.
I think it's great the way They make such a positive image of a homosexual partnership.
Biggles and Ginger Are comrades, constable Habib.
Comrades in arms.
Exactly.
I am stunned, constable Habib.
Absolutely stunned.
And indeed distressed That you choose to apply such a crass And puerile sexual connotation To innocent adventure yarns.
Come on, sir, they're grown men.
They must have a sexual life, But neither of them ever mention women.
They bunk together, breakfast together.
Biggles is always squeezing himself into Ginger's-- - Cockpit.
- Sopwith camel.
It's obvious.
It's the same with Sherlock Holmes and dr.
Watson.
Two blokes sharing a flat.
Sometimes it's months between cases.
What do they get up to in the meantime? They chat! They smoke their pipes! They poke the fire! ( chuckles ) Look, sir, if Holmes and Watson are lovers, so what? Is there anything wrong with that? Yes, constable, there is.
Because sex plays no part in these stories whatsoever, Hetero or otherwise.
The point of Biggles and of Sherlock Holmes Is to solve crimes and kill Germans.
And by heavens, that should be enough for any man.
I'm taking up a collection for the queen's birthday present.
Look, Raymond, you may have time for fannying about With presents and Biggles; Me and my officers are up to our necks in important detective work.
My officers and I.
- What about them? - Nothing about them.
I'm simply informing you that the phrase is, "my officers and I," not "me and my officers.
" Is that so?! Well, me and my officers Are on the brink of tracking down a bank-raid gang Via credit card transactions Which is, I think, a bit more important Than fannying about and speaking hoity-toity.
The rules of grammar, hoity-toity or otherwise, Are there so that meaningful sentences can be formed And more importantly, generally understood.
Start stringing words together willy-nilly And it could lead to no end of confusion.
Constable Kray, lend me your notebook.
Look here-- "the criminal ran round my side and out the back At a colossal lick.
" Jumble up the words and suddenly you have, "the criminal licked out my colossal round backside and ran.
" Is that so?! Well, try these words in a different order! "bugger" and "off!" I mean, "off" and "bugger!" Damn! Now remember what I said, Kevin.
Act like a man-- be firm, be masterful.
So basically, just be myself.
No.
Hey, you! Jaywalking is a crime.
Get back on the pavement.
Get back on the pavement, please.
Goody, would you mind telling me what-- Hang on a minute.
Pickpocket.
Not this time, punk! Crime's a disease.
Meet the cure.
That's my grandson.
He's helping me carry my shopping.
He squashed my plums, gran.
Don't be silly, love.
I didn't buy any plums.
At last.
Hello? Is that the "emergency lost credit card instant speedy hotline"? Yes, I can hold.
Hello? Yes.
Yes, I'd like to report the loss of my credit cards.
First, however, I should like to point out that the words "emergency," "instant," And "speedy" have no place in your company title.
"infuriating," yes.
"tawdry," certainly.
"absolutely blinking outrageous," oh, I think so.
No, madam, I will not accept your apology Because I do not believe that you mean it.
I believe that you are indifferent to the fact That I've just had to listen to "the Mull of Kintyre" seven times.
- ( dial tone ) - hello? Hello? - ( beeping ) - sir? - Yes? - I've traced that missing credit card.
- ( laughs ) - You're gonna love this.
( laughs ) Oh yes.
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes.
Oh yes, oh yes - Oh yes, Kray! - Aah! That was the worst beat I have ever been on.
It was like being on patrol with a flippin' two-year-old.
Look He was a funny looking old bloke hanging around at a school gate.
- I had to collar him.
- Kevin, he was a lollipop man.
Just keep out of my way for a while, okay? That's it.
I'm just wasting my time.
I think I'm gonna pack it in.
I'm gonna leave the force.
I just had a call from the fire brigade.
They're in the high street.
A man is threatening suicide from a tall building.
I'm going to attend the scene myself.
That'll make him jump, if nothing else does.
Constable Habib, I may require a woman officer.
- Kindly come with me.
- Yes, sir.
( sighs ) I reckon she hates me now.
I reckon she thinks I'm a prannet.
Oh yeah? How'd you work that out? It was something she said.
She said, "I hate you, Kevin, I think you're a prannet.
" Look, You got to grovel a bit, ain't you, eh? The birds love it.
You gotta say, "listen, doll, I was a real pillock.
" A bucket of champagne, and the chockies, And steam in for the bunk-up.
Right.
Champagne, and chocolates.
Yeah, it gets them every time, doesn't it? The drawer dropper, the knicker stripper.
Excuse me, sir, would you mind coming in off this ledge? Oh! Oh, you care about me now, do you? Nobody respects me, nobody cares about me.
I'm a nothing, a nobody, Friendless and alone.
But the same thing could be said about the prime minister And he leads a full and active life.
Give me one good reason not to jump! All right, I will.
That is a public pavement down there.
Others have to use that pavement, And they should not be required to circumnavigate your pureed person In order to do so.
May I speak to him, sir? Oh, very well, I seem to have exhausted my powers of persuasion.
Remember me? You say nobody cares about you.
That's a lie.
I decided to leave the police today Because of you And how we could do nothing to help.
Is that true? - Yes, constable Habib, is that true? - It was true.
But I can see now it would just be running away.
Just like you're running away now.
The bloke who did your house over isn't going to make me run.
And you shouldn't let him make you, either.
He took your video, but he can't take your spirit.
You have to give that away yourself.
For god's sake, man, what are you waiting for? I've never heard anything so well put in my entire life.
Come on in off that ledge this instant.
I was extremely proud of you today, constable Habib.
It wasn't your fault the silly fool jumped.
Inspector Fowler, You are under arrest.
I beg your pardon, inspector Grim? A credit card belonging to you Has been used to hire a car Which was subsequently deployed in a drug deal.
You know damn well that my pocket was picked.
My credit cards were taken.
Is that so? It hasn't been reported stolen, has it, Kray? No, sir.
When did you discover the loss of this credit card? This morning, at the briefing! And yet you still haven't reported it eight hours later? I've been trying! They were engaged-- ( laughing ) How's it feel to have someone being A bit clever and hoity-toity with you for a change, Raymond? We got the bloke who nicked your card and the drugs.
It's gonna look pretty amusing when it comes up on your statement-- A stolen car plus half a pound of heroin.
( laughing ) You be a bit more careful in future.
Yes, thank you, Derek, I will.
Inspector Grim, there's been another burglary.
Sergeant Dawkins, How often do I have to tell you I'm a detective inspector? I don't bother with burglaries.
Get uniform to go.
All right.
Constable Habib, Inspector Grim's house has just been burgled.
Come on, let's go, go, go! Wonder if he'll lose his self-esteem and try and kill himself? He will when he realizes it was a hoax.
Do you know, sometimes I just can't read my own handwriting.
That was extremely wrong of you, Patricia.
But he was probably going home anyway.
- Thank you.
- Stuff it.
I'm afraid sergeant Dawkins isn't very pleased with you.
The 10th anniversary of our relationship And you didn't get me anything! I don't know why you set such store by presents anyway, Pat.
Personally, I hate the way a man thinks When he's acted like a complete berk He can make it all right with a few chockies and a bottle of champagne.
I'd love a man who bought me chockies and champagne.
Maybe for an anniversary.
But any bloke who thought he could buy my affections like that - Would get a punch in the mouth! - ( whimpers ) What do you want, Kevin? And what are you hiding behind your back? Nothing.
Nothing, that is Except the chocolates and champagne Which I asked you to get for me While I was out at the suicide attempt.
Isn't that right, Goody? Hand them over then, laddie.
We can settle up later.
Well, now, cabbage, I have to confess that I'm more than a little hurt That you could think I would forget our anniversary.
Perhaps sometimes you forget that I have feelings too.
I'm sorry, peachy.
"to darling Maggie"-- Spelt with one "g" and a "y.
" "sorry about arresting the lollipop man.
Any chance of a bunk-up? Love, Kevin.
" Do you think we got away with it, sir? ( theme music playing )