The Tick (2001) s01e01 Episode Script

The life of a superhero
is a lonely one,
filled with hardship
and danger.
The few who answer the call
must leave comfort, safety
and often sanity behind.
But someone's got
to stand the heat
and stay in the kitchen.
Someone's got to don the oven
mitts of all that's right
and strangle the red-hot throat
of all that's wrong.
This is that someone's story.
Hey, a bus.
He still here?
Yep.
He stands in silence
stoic, god-like.
The mysterious blue avenger
who has become legend
to the simple folk
of this bus station.
But glory will not distract him
from his vigil.
Come on!
Come on, come on!
Metal fiend.
Stand back, citizen.
So, vending menace,
we meet again.
Did you jiggle the thingy?
Armless bandit.
Empty your bladder
of that bitter black urine
men call coffee!
It has its price, and that price
has been paid!
Ah.
Java devil,
you are now my bitch.
Well, here you are,
weary traveler
one steaming hot cup
of justice.
No need to thank me.
It's my sworn duty to
defend this bus station
against the ravages
of evil.
Uh
You dropped this.
Hey.
A bus ticket.
Apparently I intended to go
on a trip to the city.
Why?
Well, it looks to me like you
finally freed us
from the tyranny
of the coffee machine.
So perhaps my work
here is done.
Perhaps it's time that I moved
on to a place where there's
Stuff to do?
Stuff to do.
Stuff to do.
Well, goodbye,
grateful bus station man.
You don't know what you'll do
without me, but shed no tears.
And goodbye,
plucky, pimply teen.
I think you're ready
now to hear the truth.
This wasn't really
a magic hubcap.
The magic was inside
you all along.
Well, destiny honks
the horn of gotta-go.
To the city!
Who was that
blue stranger?
He was
The Tick.
Sir, I am sure that human
resources can handle this.
No need for you
A man's life is
at stake, Mr. Ferret.
I'm taking this bull
by the horns personally.
Good Lord!
I'm too late.
Aah!
Ahem.
M-Mr. Fishladder.
Arthur.
It is still Arthur,
isn't it?
Arthur, my time
is worth $17 a second.
I want an explanation,
and I want it to cost
less than $1,500.
Go.
Oh, uh, well
It's hard to explain.
$51.
Mr. Fishladder, I have been
living a lie.
I am more than just
a mild-mannered accountant.
Now, I do good work for this
firm, and I value my job.
It's just my entire life has
become nothing but numbers
and deductions and IRAs
$255.
Granted, I've been doing my
parents' tax returns
since I was 6, but even then,
I knew I had a higher calling.
I can't hide from it any longer.
I
Don't say it.
I am going
to become a superhero.
You know, part-time at first
Christ in heaven,
look at yourself.
You're built
like a sensible shoe.
You shouldn't be jumping
around town
in a body sock
fighting crime.
Well, I haven't actually
fought any crime yet.
Good!
Keep it that way.
Crime fights back.
Remember the lesson of Metcalf.
Metcalf?
Metcalf! Head of shipping
and receiving, third floor.
Metcalf! He lost all his
game pieces just like you,
cashed in his 401k
and bought a jetpack.
Now the poor bastard
needs a machine
To poop!
Mr. Fishladder,
I know that sort
of thing can happen, but
But you're going to ride this
thing out to the bloody,
gruesome end, aren't you?
Well, maybe not
all the way to the end,
but, you know,
for a while.
Mr. Fishladder,
I have to try.
Time's up.
Here's the way I see it
You're either a man with a job
or an idiot in a bunny suit.
You can't be both.
Not at Worldwide
Fishladder and Sons.
So what's it going to be, huh?
It's going
to be a tough row to hoe,
but he's just
the Joe to hoe it.
For destiny has called on him,
and even now he feels her warm,
moist hand at the small of his
back, pushing, pushing
Losing that job
was the best thing
that could have
happened to me.
That paycheck was
a noose around my neck.
Now I can be like you
A superhero.
Oh, crap.
The noblest profession.
Risking it all for the
common good that's our job.
They may call us an accountant,
but we can't deny
our true natures,
even if all of our friends
and relatives
tell us we're good at math.
The hero's life Our destiny.
Suit doesn't do a lot for you.
Make you look
like a Easter bunny.
It's a flying suit.
Easter bunny can't fly.
Well, I can.
I haven't yet,
but all I have to do
is go to the top
of a building and jump off.
Go ahead.
Who cares?
I'm going to do it tonight.
I think he's going
to fall down a lot and die.
Oh, crap.
City!
City!
I am the Tick,
and you have melted my heart.
From this day forth,
I will spread my buttery justice
over your every nook and cranny.
Hear me, O city, my city!
Your toast will
never go bare again!
Who am I kidding?
Comrades, The Red Scare
The finest secret Soviet
superweapon 1979 had to offer.
One touch of this button,
and we'll have an unstoppable
engine of death at our command.
1979?
Does it still work?
Does it still work?
It's a Plotski!
Ivan Plotski
The best scientist ever.
A toast, my friends,
to the Russian-American
Coalition for the Annihilation
of the U.S. Postal System.
Sorry.
Rabbit person wants
to make problems?
It's really more
of a moth thing.
He wants to be
a superhero.
Let's teach him
the lesson of Metcalf.
Metcalf?
Metcalf.
No!
My first damsel in distress.
Unhand that woman!
Oh.
Awkward moment.
Sorry there, Moth-man.
Didn't mean to interrupt,
although I sure
would like a slice
of your righteous
combat pie.
What do you say?
Help.
Oh, hey, great.
Thanks!
Wicked men
You face the Tick.
Incoming!
Single file.
Knock it off.
Heads up!
Here you go, chum.
Ha ha ha!
Don't do drugs.
Hut, hut, hut!
There's more
where that came from.
He breathes in deep the sweet
air of his first victory,
and with the newly won
friendship
of his fellow warrior,
he stands tall against
the inevitable horrors to come.
Come on, Moth-man
To the rooftops!
It all happens here
on the rooftops.
Brightly-clad stallions running
the most dangerous
steeplechase of them all.
Flanks sweating,
nostrils flaring.
We heroes are our own jockeys.
Chum, we ride ourselves
and hard.
Robot.
I saw a robot.
You saw a robot?
You lucky duck.
Wow!
Haven't seen you around before.
I am
Batmanuel!
You may have heard of me.
I, uh, get a lot of press.
You were the one who saved that
trolley full of supermodels.
Yes, in fact, I saved them three
times in one night,
if you get my meaning.
Nope.
Batmanuel,
thank God you're here.
Listen, there's this big red
Batmanuel.
On a roof, of course.
Huh?
Yes, the doors open at midnight.
Uh-huh.
And invite Diego.
I like his sister.
She's Catholic.
Cool walkie-talkie.
Gentlemen, Captain Liberty.
Once again,
the nation is in peril.
No, I'm telling you,
Falco died.
He is a dead person.
Captain Liberty,
thank God you're here.
Listen
There's no time to chat.
I'm afraid this is top priority.
The CIA has tracked
a secret Soviet superweapon
to the city.
Code name The Red Scare
100% lethal.
Exactly.
Exactly!
That is the biggest darn
whirlybird I have ever seen.
So, Janet, back in bed
with the CIA, huh?
You certainly do your
best work under cover.
Stow it, you infant. I don't
have time for your nonsense.
Ah, you had a little time
for it last month,
on top of that
water tower.
I saved her too, once,
if you know what I'm saying.
Nope.
Everybody, the robot!
It's right down there!
I'm working
on having him deported.
She fears the demons I have
awoken in her womanly places.
He just flipped over a car!
Ground one to airship
Target the Eurotrash
and fire on my command.
Lesbian.
We should have taken your
country when we had the chance.
I still have your panties.
He's got rocket boots.
Give me those, you weasel!
Don't fight like a girl, Janet.
Fight like a woman.
Oh.
Hey, he's getting away!
Aw, I stepped in gum.
Oh.
What's wrong with you people?
You're superheroes.
You're supposed to be,
you know, heroic.
Sticky pink devil!
Greasy twerp.
Right-wing ice queen.
Oh.
Oh.
Who puts gum on a roof?
Well, it's been a shattering
disillusionment.
Good night.
What was that about a robot?
Little guy?
Oh, stroke my ears.
Little chum?
You're an idiot in a bunny suit.
Arthur!
Arthur!
Hello again.
Your door is broken.
The knob came off.
What are you doing here?
Moth-man, this is incredible.
It looks just
like an apartment.
What?
All right, show me your trigger.
My what?
Your secret
headquarters trigger!
The switch that pops up all your
secret crimebusting equipment.
Is this it?
Huh?
Aw.
Say, what does
your sofa turn into?
It turns into a bed.
Well, that's a start.
What else you got?
Nothing.
I've got nothing.
This is just an apartment.
What are you doing here?
I followed you home.
I got something
I want to show you.
Look, this whole thing
was a mistake.
Apparently, superheroes are just
a bunch of egotistical,
self-centered, sexually
frustrated kindergartners.
No offense intended.
None comprehended.
It's just I thought they were
supposed to risk it all
for the common good. You know,
help the downtrodden.
The sad part is,
I'm downtrodden.
I'm not Moth-man.
I'm not a superhero.
I'm not even
an accountant anymore.
I'm just Arthur.
Arthur, listen to me carefully.
I believe in you.
I always have.
That's why I'm here.
Destiny dressed you this
morning, my friend,
and now fear is trying
to pull off your pants.
If you give up, if you give in,
then you're going to end up.
Naked with fear
just standing there
laughing at your dangling
unmentionables.
Oh, wait!
I almost forgot the best part.
I got to thinking you might be
onto something about
this whole Red Scare thing.
Figured maybe we should
interrogate somebody.
Please help me.
Help you?
You were going to Metcalf me.
Easy there, bad cop.
I think you cracked
this nut.
All right,
you heard the man.
Give him the skinny.
The Red Scare is a relentless
robotic assassin,
built in the late '70s and
And programmed
to kill Jimmy Carter.
We were going to use it
to kill the postmaster general,
but you thwarted us
before we had the chance.
You see, Arthur?
You thwart.
Then it must still
be programmed to
Oh, my God.
Jimmy Carter is in town.
Jimmy Carter is in town.
Heavens to Betsy,
what are the odds?
Quickly, chum!
Jimmy needs us
now more than ever.
Us?
Us.
I have no money!
$5, add 15%
Aah, just keep the change.
Clear the building!
Hey, idiot!
The Russians are coming!
Sorry.
The Russians are coming!
To the penthouse!
Tick, this is insane.
I can't fight The Red Scare.
Yes, you can.
I'm just an accountant.
People change.
People die.
No, they don't.
Yes, they do.
Not on my watch,
they don't.
Looks like
we're going to be late.
But I don't want
to poop with a machine!
No one's asking you to.
Ahem.
Jimmy Carter.
Jimmy, in the elevator.
We'll take it from here.
Mr. President
Jimmy, you've got robot
problems, and bad.
I left my money in my room.
I'm sorry.
Your very life hangs
in the balance.
Help! Help!
Mr. President,
I believe in you.
I always have.
That's why
Tick, Tick,
don't squeeze his head.
That doesn't work on anybody.
Remarkably spry.
Men in wrestling outfits!
Help! Help!
Circus freaks!
Please, Mr. President,
I know we look strange,
but we're here to help you.
There's a Soviet killing machine
out there with your name on it,
and it could strike
at any moment.
I don't believe you.
Great Molly Hatchet!
Jimmy Carter, you have been
sentenced to death.
Not so fast.
Destroy Jimmy Carter.
You and what army, pinko?
Knock it off.
Don't worry, Mr. President.
Everything's going
to be I okay
I think.
Good helmet.
Destroy Jimmy Carter.
Aah! That's dirty pool!
Must
use
head
to
slow
elevator's
fall!
Oh, merciful Lord,
we're going to die.
No, we're not,
Mr. Ex-President.
Grab onto me and hold tight.
Yeah, ha, ha!
Oh, yes, it's too late
we learn that communism
does not pay.
So, don't have a snappy Soviet
comeback for that one, do we?
Gravity
is a harsh mistress.
And that's how we vanquished
our first supervillain
and how Arthur learned to fly
and how we gave
Jimmy Carter a mild concussion.
We saved a president.
Yet the evening's
greatest victory
is the friendship forged
between this heroic duo.
Inseparable. Bonded together
by the Krazy Glue of justice,
till death do they part.
We saved a president.
You two are the talk
of the town, you know.
I'd be honored if you
would sign my cast.
Sure.
Boys, that was
excellent work out there.
I'm sorry I was somewhat
distracted earlier,
but I assure you
that I did come to my senses
before it was too late.
She's a beautiful woman, but her
third base is very dangerous,
if you get my meaning. Ow.
Nope.
Here. Fortune cookies, check.
Check.
Look more strange treats
from the orient.
Mmm.
A secret message
from my teeth.
"The road to hell is paved
with good intentions."
I don't get it.
Damn!
It's Apocalypse Cow.
Arthur, evil is afoot,
and hoofing it with dark gusto.
Let's go!
I would not go out there,
my little friend.
Apocalypse Cow
is 50 feet tall.
She shoots fire
from her teats.
Quickly, chum.
There's fire everywhere!
But Batmanuel said
Udders Fire
Fight fire with Arthur!
You know, I'll just
get the check.
It's your destiny.
Batmanuel.
Diego!
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
How is your sister?