The Trouble with Maggie Cole (2020) s01e01 Episode Script
Episode 1
1
(Bell rings)
(Bell rings)
(Tyres squeal)
(Telephone rings)
Thurlbury Historic Keep.
Speaking, yes.
Sorry?
Say again?
(School bell rings)
(She knocks)
Er, sorry to bother you, Headmaster.
Er, Mrs Hall sent Tommy Jarvis
over to see you.
Why?
What's he done?
He's, erm
Well
Really?
Really?
(Telephone rings)
Oh, sorry.
Two minutes.
Goon.
Hello?
Guess what.
Oh, they haven't done something already?
-\Who?
- 3C, aren't they there on a field trip today?
I'd forgotten all about that.
No, they're not even here yet.
But
.guess what.
I'm going to be on the radio!
Oh, right.
"Oh, right'?
I'm sorry.
Oh, good.
It's Coastland FM.
They're doing a little segment
about Thurlbury,
you know, for the anniversary.
And, of course, they wanted some input
from a local historian.
- Sorry, a local what?
- Historian.
Oh.
So, a reporter
is taking me out for lunch
today!
- Peter?
- Mm?
Are you still there?
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, no, it's great, great.
Er, meanwhile, I've just had a nine-year-old
turn up at double maths
with a dead magpie in his bag.
So, it's, er
quite the morning for both of us.
Are you serious?
That's horrible!
- What was he gonna do with that?
- How should I know?
He's either a budding ornithologist
or a potential serial killer.
I'm veering towards the latter.
Oh
It wasn't Betty Jarvis' youngest, was it?
- [ Couldn't possibly say.
- Of course not, no.
No, I wouldn't expect you to.
One knock for yes, two knocks for no.
(He knocks once)
I thought as much.
You know that she married
her fourth cousin, don't you?
- Can I go now?
- Yes, yes, yes, of course, yes.
Get on.
Oh, and I don't forget that
Jamie and Becka
are coming for dinner tonight.
So, I'm going to need you
to subtly slip the topic
of babies info the conversation
at some point.
What?
Well, why is that my job?
Well, because it's less obvious
coming from you,
that's all.
- (Van horn honks)
- Oh, I think 3C have turned up.
Yes.
All right, so I'll speak to you later.
OK, bye.
Al right, Dr Lecter
let's go.
- (Children shout in excitement)
- Jill
Oh!
Are you all right?
All right, Team C
listening.
OK, guys, listen up.
Thank you.
You all know Mrs Cole.
She helped out at the harvest festival.
And she's married
to our very own Headmaster.
So, you know what that means, don't you?
Best behaviour.
Yeah?
So, who would like to tell her
what we've been learning about
these last few weeks?
-Emma?
- Cheese.
Not cheese, no.
Erm, Josh?
- Medieval Britain, miss.
- Very good!
And this place,
where we're standing now,
is the actual site
of an actual Norman fort.
- Keep.
- Keep.
Which, er
.Mrs Cole helps to maintain.
Well, I don't really help, as such.
I'm actually the sole curator, to be fair.
So, I'm the keeper of the keep.
I'm the keep keeper.
I keep the keep.
Hm, tough crowd.
Oh, tell me about it.
OK, then, worksheets out!
Everybody, get into their pairs.
Coffee?
Oh, sweet Jesus, yes'
A nice cuppa en route.
So
.a big radio star, eh?
This could be the start
of a whole new career.
I don't know about all that.
It's just a little piece, really.
They probably won't even use it.
Its just nice to be asked, isn't it?
- I don't want to make a big thing of it.
-No.
No, of course not.
Its a weird job, isn't it?
Teaching assistant.
Of course, they never had them in my day.
- How's she working out?
- What, Roxanna?
Oh, yeah, she's great.
The kids love her.
Hey, you know who she's going out with,
don't you?
- Alex Myer, from the Coastguard.
- Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Of course, he was at the school
back when I was working there.
He was a proper little troublemaker.
The younger brother was even worse.
Yeah, well, at the end of the day,
he's handsome,
he has a steady job
and he's about her age.
What more can you ask for in Thurlbury?
Slim pickings out there,
as I know only too well.
Well
.I'll tell you what, Jill,
I happen to know one place
where you could meet somebody.
Mm, do tell.
It's only the social event of the season.
Ah, the big planning meet.
It's gonna be awash
with handsome, eligible bachelors, is it?
It
.might be.
You are coming, aren't you?
-Yeah, course [ am.
- Good.
Because I need you
to propose the idea of a float.
Well, it would be awkward if I did it,
wouldn't it? I've arranged the meeting.
I don't want people to think
that I'm trying to organise everything.
You are trying to organise everything.
Yeah, but I don't want people to think it.
Chockie biccy?
- Are you trying to bribe me?
- Absolutely.
It's cash for questions,
but with added calories.
Well, as you know, Maggie,
I'am nothing
.nothing, if not easily corruptible.
So, er
.chuck in a custard cream
and I think we might have a deal.
Mm!
(MUSIC: Take On Me
by A-ha)
(Engine revs loudly)
We're talking away
I don't know what I'm to say
I'll say if anyway
Today's another day to find you
Shying away
I'll be coming for your love, OK?
Take on me
Take on me
Take me on
Take on me
1 be gone
In a day or two
Take on me I
OK.
SING-SONG VOICE: Locking good!
MAN: No, no, no,
I'll get it in before five.
And I'm editing it myself.
Yes, I am.
Look, I drew the short straw here.
I'm editing it, or else it'll wind up
being even duller than it's already gonna be.
I mean,
have you ever actually been to this place?
It's like 2004 here or something.
They probably still sacrifice virgins.
Oh, hang on,
it looks like the chief druid just arrived.
I'll call you back.
-Maggie Cole?
- Yes, that is me.
I am indeed she.
- (She laughs)
-Jez.
Good to meet you.
Thanks for doing this.
Yeah, no, of course.
It's my pleasure. Absolutely.
Great.
Right, then, a drink?
You look like a G & T girl to me.
-Do I?
- Yeah.
Oh, well, I have been known
to have the odd
But it's a little bit early for me.
Maggie, come on,
it's always five o'clock somewhere, right?
Oh, gosh, it's so media, isn't it?
- It's very Mad Men.
- Yeah!
- I've never seen that show, actually.
- You should, it's good.
- A mate of mine worked on that.
- Did he? Right.
Em
Oh, go on, then.
Yes, all right.
Yeah, I'll have one little one.
Yeah.
- Just tiny, you know?
- All right.
A child's portion.
If children drank alcohol, which they don't.
So, that's just silly.
Sorry.
Er, same for me, mate.
And,er
a double G & T.
MAGGIE: ..it was part of a Norman settlement
for centuries,
but both its name
and its recognition as a village
didn't truly come about until 1520.
So, I like to think of the anniversary
as a celebration of all of that history,
not just the last 500 years.
(She laughs)
Yes. Good.
That's all great, Maggie, thank you.
Well, its history.
It's what we're made of.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Er, of course, we want this piece
to be as much about Thurlbury now
.as Thurlbury then.
-Right.
- Modem village living, you know?
Mm.
Most townies probably think close-knit
communities like this are all just
.I don't know,
tombolas and cricket matches.
Yeah.
I reckon you could set them straight there,
though, Maggie.
Too right, I could!
Although, to be fair,
we have got a very good cricket team,
because they came fourth in the county
last year.
Which is a surprise,
considering half of them are on the bottle.
But you didn't hear that from me.
(She giggles tipsily)
No.
No, of course not.
Do you know
.when I took this assignment,
some of my colleagues tried to insist
that nothing interesting happens in Thurlbury.
Who said that?
It wasn't Moxy In The Morning, was it?
Because I really like him.
I mean, who doesn't?
The man's a national treasure.
- He's a treasure.
- Yeah.
No, it was just some of the kids in the office.
Millennials, eh?
What do they know?
I bet you could name me
a dozen people round here living out lives
ten times more interesting than theirs.
Yeah.
In fact
perhaps you could point me in their direction.
You know, some quirky anecdotes
from a few colourful characters
could really round this segment off.
A chance to show some of these city dwellers
they're not the only ones having fun.
- Am I right?
- Yeah.
I mean, I don't want to give the impression
that I know everybody.
No.
But, yeah, I think I could point you
in the direction
of some people worth talking to, yeah.
Yeah.
Great.
Well, you hold that thought, Maggie
and I'll grab us a couple more drinks.
Yeah.
No, no. Actually no, no.
- Cos I've honestly had enough.
- No, don't worry about it.
It all goes on expenses.
- Does it?
-Yeah! If [ don't use it, I lose it.
Yeah.
Oh, go on, then.
One more, yeah.
Mg,.
Just one.
Double.
(She giggles)
PETER:
I cannot believe you got sloshed
in the middle of the afternoon.
SHE SLURS: I did not get sloshed:
I just thought I might be
mildly over the limit, that's all.
Anyway, it's only five minutes
from the school to the pub.
Yeah, but five minutes, for me,
that's practically a full cardio.
Anyway, I hope you haven' wasted
your whole day
telling people that your wifelet's
going to be on the radio.
- I haven't, no.
- Oh, haven't you?
Well, you can.
Not brag, obviously, but
- Oh, look who it is!
- What?
Pull over! Pull over!
It's Buster.
Erm, [ don't believe
we've been formally introduced.
It's Buster.
It's Marcus Ormansby's dog.
- It must mean he's back.
- Oh, for
- Now what are you doing?
- Nothing!
I'll just
Becka and Jamie are coming for dinner,
we need wine.
No, we don't.
We've got three unopened bottles in the
I won't be long.
Just wait there.
Hello!
(Knocking)
All right, sir?
Yes.
Thank you, Liam.
Good.
Good 10 see you.
You great, witless, walking ASBO.
Ah
Afternoon, Emil.
How's things?
I couldn't beg a favour, could I?
You wouldn't stick this up
in your window for me, would you?
It's advertising that meeting we're going
to have about the anniversary celebrations.
We're gonna have a float.
Do you have floats at all in Poland?
Anyway, we need as many people
as we can to attend, so
OK, I'll stick it up.
Great.
I'll do it now, then, shall 17
Fabulous!
Thank you!
Oh, hello stranger!
(She chuckles)
It's Maggie.
Maggie Cole.
We met last year.
Oh, right, yes.
Of course, Maggie.
Hi.
Hi.
So you're back
at Riverside Cottage again, then,
working on your latest masterpiece?
Trying to, yeah.
Oh, did you arrive today?
Er, no.
No, about four nights ago.
Oh, wow!
You must've rattled out
five chapters by now, then.
Well, I've made a start, anyway.
Yes, we always make sure that your books
are prominently displayed here.
Yes, I have noticed that.
Er, technically,
I'm not really a local author, though, so
Pfft, you write them all here, don't you?
- Well, yes.
- Well, there you go, then.
You are an honorary Thurlbrian.
Sorry, a what?
Oh, grrrr!
You know,
I wish I'd known that you were here
because I've just done an interview
for local radio.
It's a silly little piece about the village.
You know, it's nothing of your sort of level.
They'll probably use it as filler.
- But I could've plugged your book.
- Oh, well.
Maybe next time.
Oh, no, there probably won't be a next time.
Although Jez did say that I was a natural.
Right.
I suppose I'd better get back
to stockpiling the old provisions, then.
Er, I'm sure I'll see you around.
Yeah, absolutely.
Because I'm everywhere!
(She chuckles)
Yes.
(She laughs)
Oh, no, not there, Emil.
It would be much better on the door here,
wouldn't it?
More people would see it then.
No, put it here.
There, there.
That's it.
(Engine starts)
-Oh!
- Well?
- What?
- Wine?
Oh, we've got loads of that at home.
Just go home.
Go on, go on, drive home.
That's it.
- I'll see you tomorrow, then, yeah?
- Yeah.
- Night, Alex.
- Night-night.
Down boy!
Woof, woof!
Arghwoof!
- What are you doing here?
- (He laughs)
Oh, just gave Syd a ride home, didn't I?
I saw you two getting stuck in.
I thought I'd bag myself a ringside seat.
- Who said I'm giving you a lift?
- This was my car once, you know?
- No, it wasn't, it was Dad's.
- Al right.
Come on, then.
Mum's probably got tea on.
Bye, Roxy!
Bye!
I love you!
- Goodnight!
- Grow up, grow up!
{He toots the car horn)
He crosses the line!
He's the Formula 1 champion of the world!
- Yay!
- Josh Roberts!
See?
- This is how Lewis Hamilton started.
- (She sighs)
People are gonna ask questions.
So, we say we got it on finance.
Or I sold a kidney.
Stop worrying, it's just a car.
Have a look inside.
Do you like the colour at least?
Yes, Neil, I like the colour.
It's my favourite.
You know it is.
So, how's about it, kidder?
You want to go for a quick spin?
No, it's a school night!
Please, Mum!
Please, Mum
Urgh, all right, all right.
Once around the green and then bed, OK?
- All right, passenger seat, mate.
- Seat belt!
I'm driving.
OK, seat belt on.
(Engine starts)
MAGGIE: I just..
Basically, I just
I was happy to help.
They probably won't use very much of it at all.
They just wanted, erm,
insights from a local historian.
- A local what?
- Historian.
Yeah.
What did you actually talk about,
then, Mum?
She can't remember,
she was sloshed.
I was not sloshed!
It was mostly about Thurlbury.
You know
.Jez did say that it was great.
They could fill a whole hour with it.
I couldn't believe it.
They were probably joking, Mum.
They tend to edit that stuff down.
- I did a little thing for local radio once.
- Oh?
- You did?
- Yeah.
Oh, it wasn't here,
it was when I was up at uni.
I don't remember that. Oh, no, it wasn't
one of the awful boxing things, was it?
- Boxing thing?
- Yeah.
Jamie used to box.
- You used to box?
- Yes.
Absolutely awful.
I used to worry myself sick about it.
Sorry, sorry, no. I can't quite
You?
You used to box?
You once woke me up to get rid of a spider.
- It was big.
- (She laughs)
Er, by the way, Mum
did we tell you we think we might've found
a shop space for Becka's business
- up in Trellcombe?
- Oh, that'll be good!
You'll be able to sell
loads of your little trinkets up there.
- They've got pots of money.
- Bespoke jewellery, Maggie, not trinkets.
That's what..
That's what I meant.
(She chuckles)
And it'll be good not to have to work
from home any more, won't it?
Because that'll free up your second bedroom.
That'll be good.
Mm.
Yeah.
You'll have to find something
maybe something else to do with that.
(Her foot thumps his leg)
Are you two thinking
of starting a family soon?
Oh..
Honestly!
Sorry, he's so insensitive.
I'm so sorry.
It is a fair question, though, isn't it?
I mean, you have been married
for three years now.
And, hello!
Custom-made baby-sitting service here,
getting older by the day.
Yeah, well, you know, we've
.we've talked about it.
But it's
Maggie, you may rest assured that
if and when we decide to start a family,
you will definitely be
. the third to know.
Well, good.
That's good.
Bronze.
That's
That's great.
Good.
Right
Bye.
(He sighs heavily)
I said, bring it up subtly.
That was subtle.
Non-subtle would've been,
"Your mum wants to know
when we're getting grandkids."
That practically is what you said.
(He scoffs)
I love you.
(She laughs)
You're such an idiot!
Hm
- And [ love you, too.
- Mm.
(She chuckles)
- I love you.
- And you.
(Engine starts)
Of course, it's a Friday night.
Off on another one of his
"business weekends".
The actual air quotes were unnecessary.
-I would've got it from the tone.
- Poor Carol.
She knows, you know?
I know she knows.
And she just lets it happen.
We should invite her over
for supper sometime.
No, we shouldn't.
She's our GP.
I mean, she's seen my bits and bobs.
And I'm not having supper with someone
who's seen my bits and bobs.
Right
- Are we sorted?
-We are.
- Goodnight, Headmaster.
- Night-night, you.
- Oh, yeah.
Hey, are you excited about the interview?
Tremendously, yes.
Can we have the light out now?
We need to start
getting the word out about it.
Oh, God, you're not gonna make
a big thing about this, are you?
I'm not doing this for me, Peter.
This is all about Thurlbury
and promoting the anniversary celebrations.
We want everyone in the village listening.
I'll put it on the social medias.
You're not on the social medias.
I'll use the school's or Jamie's.
Neither of those are yours.
And why do you have the passwords?
Look, I mean,
can you not do this tomorrow?
Maybe think about it before you do.
It'll probably only be
a short little clip they use.
I just don't want you to be disappointed,
that's all.
Mm.
Plus, you'd like to go to sleep.
Plus, I'd like to go to sleep.
Mm-hm!
(They both sigh)
- Well, obviously, I can see that.
- Oh, right.
Oh, come on
Why is it?
Oh, double tap.
Oh, double tap, I see.
It's supposed to
Ah, ha-ha!
There you go!
There I go what?
Who's this?
Well, I don't know.
But keep swiping like this.
Right, and then you put a blue tick
in this box here if you like anyone.
- Swipe it, like this.
- Yeah, I know how to swipe, Maggie.
I just don't know what I'm swiping for,
cos this looks suspiciously like a
A dating app!
Yes, it is!
I've signed you up for one.
Well, Jamie did.
Because I don't really know how to do it.
Well, you were saying the other day
that you didn't get to meet anybody.
Yes, I was.
But that doesn't mean that I'm so desperate
that I want to go on some
- Oh, hello, he's nice, isn't he?
-No, no, you don't want that one.
- He works on the rigs, he'll be away.
- Well, hey!
What?
How do you know?
Because I've checked them all out earlier.
What?
I've got a vested interest in this.
I mean, anyone that you pick
is potentially gonna become
a best friend-in-law, aren't they?
(Phone rings)
Talking of which, here's yours.
Oh, yeah, well, he's also my boss.
So, don't mention I'm spending
my lunch break down at the pub,
even if you did kidnap me.
Lips are sealed.
Thurlbury Historic Keep.
Oh, sorry, love.
Sorry, I mean, hi.
Maggie, would you like to tell me
why I've just received an invitation
to a barbecue party
that's being held at my own house?
Oh, sorry about that.
I just copied in everyone in my address book.
No, he's got a big beard.
No, no.
So, we're having a barbecue?
Yeah, for the broadcast.
I'm sure I mentioned it.
Er, no.
No, you didn't.
I'm sure I did
- (Knock on door)
- Hang on, sorry.
Oh, sorry.
Erm, just this email, the barbecue.
Do I need to RSVP to Mrs Cole
or can I just tell you that I'm coming?
No.
Erm, I'll pass your acceptance on.
Thank you.
Thank you, sorry.
Maggie
Exactly how many people have you invited?
Not many.
Now, then
Yes, please.
Hey!
You are allowed to help, you know?
Oh, I am helping.
I'm on doorbell duty.
- (Doorbell chimes)
- There, see?
Once more, my services
.are required.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey!
-Oh, hey
Dinner, here, two weeks in a row.
I deserve a medal of honour for this.
- Oh, hello.
-Hi, Dad.
Oh, dear, couldn't come up with an excuse
fast enough, then?
No, we did.
It didn't take.
Right, better go on down there.
Abandon hope all ye, et cetera, et cetera.
Ah.!
Perfect timing.
- There we are.
- See you in a minute.
- OK.
Fun.
That's good.
Glad you came, that's good.
Lovely to see you.
Hello.
Ah, hi, Karen.
Maggie.
So, you've never actually been here before,
have you?
-No.
- Ah.
Oh, it's very nice.
Oh, well, thank you very much.
Yes, it suits us.
I mean, it's a lovely view of the estuary.
And Mr Cole obviously takes great care
of the garden.
Peter?
(She laughs)
I mean, no, you must be joking.
No.
All of this is my doing.
No, he would over-water a cactus, that one.
No, cactuses don't need watering.
- Cacti.
- Sorry?
No, of course they don't.
It's just a
It's just a silly joke, that's all.
What was?
Nothing.
Will you excuse me, Karen?
Thanks.
Hi.
- Ch, Carol, so glad you could make it.
- Ch, not at all.
Thanks for having me.
Spared me having to cook.
Oh, of course.
Alan's away again, isn't he?
Nothing worse than cooking for one.
- Oh, sorry.
- Oh, none taken.
So, did he get to speak to you last week?
Who, Alan?
No, Jez.
Are you gonna be on, too?
I don't know what you're talking about,
Maggie. I'm sorry.
Oh, didn't he drop by the surgery
last week?
Er, Jez, the reporter.
I told him to come and see you.
You did?
Why?
Well, because he asked me to suggest
some notable residents.
Oh
- Did he speak to you?
- Oh, am I a notable resident?
Of course you are!
Headmaster-in-waiting.
I mean, Mistress.
I mean, Headmistress, sorry.
- Well, whatever I am, no, he didn't.
- Oh, that's strange
Maybe he ran out of time.
Talking of which
Oh-ho
I'll be on in a minute.
It's like a premier, isn't it?
I feel like I should make a speech
or something.
- And if she tries, wrestle her to the ground.
- Shh!
- Or box her.
- Shh!
(MUSIC ON THE RADIO:
The Final Countdown by Europe)
(Music plays on the radio)
(She turns up the volume)
You know she's gonna ask.
(Music plays on the radio)
(Music plays on the radio)
Don't touch that dial!
You'll only get in trouble with Maggie.
- I'm not afraid of her.
- Of course you're not, Dad.
(Music plays on the radio)
(Music plays on the radio)
Do you need a hand, Headmaster?
Oh, hello, Karen.
Erm, you really don't need
to call me Headmaster outside of work.
Actually, you don't need
to call me in work, either.
Oh, I really think I should.
In work, I mean.
That's your prerogative.
But outside of work, Peter is fine.
Well, do you need a hand.. Peter?
Right, can I just?
Just take that, thank you.
{She bangs on the barbecue)
Everyone!
The Thurlbury piece should be on after this.
So, if you'd like to move over this way,
you'll be able to hear better.
WOMAN ON RADIO: Across (he county
and on digital nationwide,
this is Coastland FM.
Oh, I'm nervous!
- I absolutely hate the sound of my own voice.
- Since when?
MAN ON RADIO: The time now is just
coming up to 1:30. In a moment we'll get.
Actually, while we're waiting,
can I just remind everyone that
there's a meeting tomorrow night about
- RADIO: ..with Jeremy Crosby.
- Woo! Shut up!
Shut up, it's on!
JEZ: Village fife
The very term itseif
conjures up images of summer fétes,
cucumber sandwiches
and tea on the lawn.
But does such an idealistic,
chocolate box vision
That's him, that's Jez.
“Still hold (rue today?
Or is the great British village
an altogether different beast?
I recently visited
the historic former medieval settlement
of Thurlbury to find out.
It was here I spoke to focal resident
and amateur historian Maggie Cole
Amateur?
.And asked her what it was like
living in, what must presumably be,
quite a close-knit community.
MAGGIE:
Oh, it's wonderful, if's just wonderful,
I'm actually fourth generation Thurlbury
myself, born and bred,
There's literally nowhere else in the world
that I would rather be.
JEZ: I wondered whether there was
any truth to the wider public perception
of communal village living.
Is it alt curtain twitching
and gossiping over garden fences?
MAGGIE:
Oh, well, I don't know about that.
But it's certainly true
that everybody knows everybody else,
or at least knows someone who does.
(She laughs)
You can't keep a secret here.
Er, that's from two bits of the interview.
Gosh, it's fascinating, isn't it,
how they put it together?
Shush, shush, shush.
I'm trying to listen.
MAGGIE: Obviously,
I'm not really one for gossip, but
some of what goes on round here
would put the soaps to shame.
(She laughs)
And that's from a different part, too.
JEZ: And with that,
she began to regale me
with various tales
from the Thurlbury rumour mill
I did what?
MAGGIE: Oh, yeah, you wouldn't think it
to look at them. Not at all.
I mean, they seem like the perfect couple.
They've been married 15 years
and she's been the village GP here for ten.
He spends most weekends in Exeter,
supposedly on business.
But a friend of mine saw him there once
and he was
Well, let's just say
in the arms of someone else.
A male someone else,
No, no, that was just
We were just talking, then.
They weren't supposed to be
MAGGIE:
Yes, of course we're multicultural here.
Of course we are!
We've got a lovely Polish family, actually.
They've been here ten years.
They'd do absolutely anything for you,
They're the heart and soul of this community.
Mind, between you and me,
the daughter's a bit of a one.
Nice enough girl, very pretty,
but she certainly knows it.
I mean, obviously, I'm not saying
she has a reputation, as such, just..
Well, from what I've heard,
you could count on one hand
the number of boys
she hasn't been carrying on with.
MAGGIE: “stays for a couple of months
every summer, writes all his novels here.
Claims it's for the tranquility.
But, you know, if you ask me, ifs
Well, let's be polite and say research,
rather than laziness or cheating.
You see he doesn't actually
make any of his characters up,
like proper writers do.
He just secretly bases them
on people round here.
Loads of us have spotted ourselves in them.
- What?!
- Loads of us.
Oh, my God
MAGGIE:
Well, you have to wonder, don't you?
! mean, arrive out of nowhere four years ago,
no family.
Suddenly owns the village pub.
He's from London.
The East End.
Hm, never talks about himself, of course,
but..
.I've heard things
Gangland things.
Take it from me,
we're talking witness protection here.
I mean, you only have to look at him,
to be honest.
MAGGIE: I know one family around here
with a bit more going on than meets the eye.
They re a very friendly couple. I've known
them since they were kids, to be honest
No, no, no, no
She's a hairdresser at the local salon.
husband Works at the boatyard
Dad, for God's sake, just turn it off.
Don't!
Don't you dare!
MAGGIE:
It's not like either of them make much
and then, suddenly, a brand-new car,
flashy clothes.
Oh, no.
Oh, God
The pair of them have started acting,
Well, you know, differently.
I'd read there'd been a jackpot winner
somewhere in the county.
I don't know why they're trying to hide it
though.
They re probably worried about
begging letters or something like that.
- Maggie, what is this?
-1
Yes, yes, my husband's the headmaster
there, you see.
Maggie
Actually, he's retiring next year.
If's never gonna be the same without him.
I mean, the woman who's taking over,
she's
Well, don't get me wrong or anything, she's
actually my best friend, as it goes, but
oh, you know, maybe not
the sharpest tool in the box, to put it mildly.
I mean,
how she thinks she could ever take
(Radio falls silent)
Everyone, you have to believe me,
I don't understand what's just
No, you don't!
You don't understand anything.
Carol
No. No, no. Leave it.
Just
Er, everyone, I think it might be best
if we called a halt to the proceedings.
Yeah?
Yeah, I think we should probably go, too.
Are you joking?
For once, I'm actually up for staying.
Becks, please
I'm sorry.
Dill..
Oh, Jill.
Listen
Al of that
just was completely out of context.
All right.
All right, well, I'll tell you what, Maggie.
Why don't you tell me what the context
for you telling an entire county
what an apparently
useless, thick, moron I am would be?
Dill..
Let's not do this now.
No.
No, you're right.
I tell you what, Maggie
let's not do this ever.
Oh, God
- Are you all right?
- Well..
.I managed to save some of it.
But there's only so much room in the freezer.
No, that's not what I meant.
Are you all right?
Yes, absolutely fine.
I'm actually going to go
and have a quick bath.
Do you not want 10,
I don't know, talk about it?
Talk about what?
Oh, a storm in a teacup.
It'll all be forgotten by tomorrow morning.
Do you want a bath after me?
No.
No, good, thanks.
Did you hear it?
Yeah, I heard her.
I heard it, the lads at the yard heard it,
my boss heard it.
Oh, God, what did you tell them?
Neil, what did you tell them?
Oh!
Oi, has he said anything vet?
No.
It's nonsense.
The woman's an idiot.
(He clears his throat)
£3.10.
Why don't you have one for yourself, mate?
(Door closes)
Hey, are you all right?
God, I'm hungry.
Have you eaten?
Cos I was thinking of ordering a takeout.
What's wrong?
JEZ: Village life The very term itself
conjures up images of summer
(Phone line rings)
Hello, this is Alex.
I can't get to the phone right now,
- Please leave a message after the
- (She hangs up)
Are you all right, Maggie?
Still in the bath?
TEARFULLY: Yeah, I won't be long.
(He knocks)
(She sobs)
Oh, Maggie
(He sighs)
Come here.
(She sobs)
Oh
It's gonna be all right.
No, it's not!
It's not!
I didn't mean it, any of it.
- I was just talking.
- know.
- You know, people talk.
- I know, I know.
But why would he do that?
It doesn't matter.
- It doesn't matter.
- (She sobs)
If it makes you feel any better,
I'am, at some point,
going to break both his legs.
Mm.
I've ruined everything.
No.
No, you haven't.
You haven't done anything
that can't be fixed.
Yes, I have.
I mean, how do you fix a thing like this?!
I don't know.
I don't know.
Perhaps by stubbornly refusing
to acknowledge that it can't be fixed.
Hm?
And you are the most stubborn woman
I know.
Hm
We're gonna
we're gonna talk to them.
All of them.
- One by one.
- Yeah.
We're not gonna lie,
we're not gonna make excuses.
- We're just gonna talk.
- Yeah.
- And we're gonna make it right.
- Yeah.
With all of them.
- Each and every one.
- Yeah.
- I don't know how.
-No.
- But we are.
- Yeah.
A storm in a teacup.
It's just a storm in a teacup.
The things people are saying!
They're just trolls, Maggie.
Neil, the entire village
thinks we've won the lottery.
Well, maybe that's the answer.
Jill, it's breaking her heart.
If you could just talk to her.
We are going to walk to the pub
with our heads held high.
We're gonna sit down,
we're gonna have a drink
as a family, just like normal!
What do you mean "like normal"?
We have literally never done that ever.
What goes around comes around, Roxy.
You'll see.
Would you like to know the truth, Maggie?
- Well,I
- Oh, I think you deserve it.
Us outed six need to stick together.
-Right?
-Right.
I'm Thurlbury's local historian.
You run a gift shop, Maggie.
You just run a gift shop.
Peter, I'm a meme!
(Bell rings)
(Bell rings)
(Tyres squeal)
(Telephone rings)
Thurlbury Historic Keep.
Speaking, yes.
Sorry?
Say again?
(School bell rings)
(She knocks)
Er, sorry to bother you, Headmaster.
Er, Mrs Hall sent Tommy Jarvis
over to see you.
Why?
What's he done?
He's, erm
Well
Really?
Really?
(Telephone rings)
Oh, sorry.
Two minutes.
Goon.
Hello?
Guess what.
Oh, they haven't done something already?
-\Who?
- 3C, aren't they there on a field trip today?
I'd forgotten all about that.
No, they're not even here yet.
But
.guess what.
I'm going to be on the radio!
Oh, right.
"Oh, right'?
I'm sorry.
Oh, good.
It's Coastland FM.
They're doing a little segment
about Thurlbury,
you know, for the anniversary.
And, of course, they wanted some input
from a local historian.
- Sorry, a local what?
- Historian.
Oh.
So, a reporter
is taking me out for lunch
today!
- Peter?
- Mm?
Are you still there?
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, no, it's great, great.
Er, meanwhile, I've just had a nine-year-old
turn up at double maths
with a dead magpie in his bag.
So, it's, er
quite the morning for both of us.
Are you serious?
That's horrible!
- What was he gonna do with that?
- How should I know?
He's either a budding ornithologist
or a potential serial killer.
I'm veering towards the latter.
Oh
It wasn't Betty Jarvis' youngest, was it?
- [ Couldn't possibly say.
- Of course not, no.
No, I wouldn't expect you to.
One knock for yes, two knocks for no.
(He knocks once)
I thought as much.
You know that she married
her fourth cousin, don't you?
- Can I go now?
- Yes, yes, yes, of course, yes.
Get on.
Oh, and I don't forget that
Jamie and Becka
are coming for dinner tonight.
So, I'm going to need you
to subtly slip the topic
of babies info the conversation
at some point.
What?
Well, why is that my job?
Well, because it's less obvious
coming from you,
that's all.
- (Van horn honks)
- Oh, I think 3C have turned up.
Yes.
All right, so I'll speak to you later.
OK, bye.
Al right, Dr Lecter
let's go.
- (Children shout in excitement)
- Jill
Oh!
Are you all right?
All right, Team C
listening.
OK, guys, listen up.
Thank you.
You all know Mrs Cole.
She helped out at the harvest festival.
And she's married
to our very own Headmaster.
So, you know what that means, don't you?
Best behaviour.
Yeah?
So, who would like to tell her
what we've been learning about
these last few weeks?
-Emma?
- Cheese.
Not cheese, no.
Erm, Josh?
- Medieval Britain, miss.
- Very good!
And this place,
where we're standing now,
is the actual site
of an actual Norman fort.
- Keep.
- Keep.
Which, er
.Mrs Cole helps to maintain.
Well, I don't really help, as such.
I'm actually the sole curator, to be fair.
So, I'm the keeper of the keep.
I'm the keep keeper.
I keep the keep.
Hm, tough crowd.
Oh, tell me about it.
OK, then, worksheets out!
Everybody, get into their pairs.
Coffee?
Oh, sweet Jesus, yes'
A nice cuppa en route.
So
.a big radio star, eh?
This could be the start
of a whole new career.
I don't know about all that.
It's just a little piece, really.
They probably won't even use it.
Its just nice to be asked, isn't it?
- I don't want to make a big thing of it.
-No.
No, of course not.
Its a weird job, isn't it?
Teaching assistant.
Of course, they never had them in my day.
- How's she working out?
- What, Roxanna?
Oh, yeah, she's great.
The kids love her.
Hey, you know who she's going out with,
don't you?
- Alex Myer, from the Coastguard.
- Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Of course, he was at the school
back when I was working there.
He was a proper little troublemaker.
The younger brother was even worse.
Yeah, well, at the end of the day,
he's handsome,
he has a steady job
and he's about her age.
What more can you ask for in Thurlbury?
Slim pickings out there,
as I know only too well.
Well
.I'll tell you what, Jill,
I happen to know one place
where you could meet somebody.
Mm, do tell.
It's only the social event of the season.
Ah, the big planning meet.
It's gonna be awash
with handsome, eligible bachelors, is it?
It
.might be.
You are coming, aren't you?
-Yeah, course [ am.
- Good.
Because I need you
to propose the idea of a float.
Well, it would be awkward if I did it,
wouldn't it? I've arranged the meeting.
I don't want people to think
that I'm trying to organise everything.
You are trying to organise everything.
Yeah, but I don't want people to think it.
Chockie biccy?
- Are you trying to bribe me?
- Absolutely.
It's cash for questions,
but with added calories.
Well, as you know, Maggie,
I'am nothing
.nothing, if not easily corruptible.
So, er
.chuck in a custard cream
and I think we might have a deal.
Mm!
(MUSIC: Take On Me
by A-ha)
(Engine revs loudly)
We're talking away
I don't know what I'm to say
I'll say if anyway
Today's another day to find you
Shying away
I'll be coming for your love, OK?
Take on me
Take on me
Take me on
Take on me
1 be gone
In a day or two
Take on me I
OK.
SING-SONG VOICE: Locking good!
MAN: No, no, no,
I'll get it in before five.
And I'm editing it myself.
Yes, I am.
Look, I drew the short straw here.
I'm editing it, or else it'll wind up
being even duller than it's already gonna be.
I mean,
have you ever actually been to this place?
It's like 2004 here or something.
They probably still sacrifice virgins.
Oh, hang on,
it looks like the chief druid just arrived.
I'll call you back.
-Maggie Cole?
- Yes, that is me.
I am indeed she.
- (She laughs)
-Jez.
Good to meet you.
Thanks for doing this.
Yeah, no, of course.
It's my pleasure. Absolutely.
Great.
Right, then, a drink?
You look like a G & T girl to me.
-Do I?
- Yeah.
Oh, well, I have been known
to have the odd
But it's a little bit early for me.
Maggie, come on,
it's always five o'clock somewhere, right?
Oh, gosh, it's so media, isn't it?
- It's very Mad Men.
- Yeah!
- I've never seen that show, actually.
- You should, it's good.
- A mate of mine worked on that.
- Did he? Right.
Em
Oh, go on, then.
Yes, all right.
Yeah, I'll have one little one.
Yeah.
- Just tiny, you know?
- All right.
A child's portion.
If children drank alcohol, which they don't.
So, that's just silly.
Sorry.
Er, same for me, mate.
And,er
a double G & T.
MAGGIE: ..it was part of a Norman settlement
for centuries,
but both its name
and its recognition as a village
didn't truly come about until 1520.
So, I like to think of the anniversary
as a celebration of all of that history,
not just the last 500 years.
(She laughs)
Yes. Good.
That's all great, Maggie, thank you.
Well, its history.
It's what we're made of.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Er, of course, we want this piece
to be as much about Thurlbury now
.as Thurlbury then.
-Right.
- Modem village living, you know?
Mm.
Most townies probably think close-knit
communities like this are all just
.I don't know,
tombolas and cricket matches.
Yeah.
I reckon you could set them straight there,
though, Maggie.
Too right, I could!
Although, to be fair,
we have got a very good cricket team,
because they came fourth in the county
last year.
Which is a surprise,
considering half of them are on the bottle.
But you didn't hear that from me.
(She giggles tipsily)
No.
No, of course not.
Do you know
.when I took this assignment,
some of my colleagues tried to insist
that nothing interesting happens in Thurlbury.
Who said that?
It wasn't Moxy In The Morning, was it?
Because I really like him.
I mean, who doesn't?
The man's a national treasure.
- He's a treasure.
- Yeah.
No, it was just some of the kids in the office.
Millennials, eh?
What do they know?
I bet you could name me
a dozen people round here living out lives
ten times more interesting than theirs.
Yeah.
In fact
perhaps you could point me in their direction.
You know, some quirky anecdotes
from a few colourful characters
could really round this segment off.
A chance to show some of these city dwellers
they're not the only ones having fun.
- Am I right?
- Yeah.
I mean, I don't want to give the impression
that I know everybody.
No.
But, yeah, I think I could point you
in the direction
of some people worth talking to, yeah.
Yeah.
Great.
Well, you hold that thought, Maggie
and I'll grab us a couple more drinks.
Yeah.
No, no. Actually no, no.
- Cos I've honestly had enough.
- No, don't worry about it.
It all goes on expenses.
- Does it?
-Yeah! If [ don't use it, I lose it.
Yeah.
Oh, go on, then.
One more, yeah.
Mg,.
Just one.
Double.
(She giggles)
PETER:
I cannot believe you got sloshed
in the middle of the afternoon.
SHE SLURS: I did not get sloshed:
I just thought I might be
mildly over the limit, that's all.
Anyway, it's only five minutes
from the school to the pub.
Yeah, but five minutes, for me,
that's practically a full cardio.
Anyway, I hope you haven' wasted
your whole day
telling people that your wifelet's
going to be on the radio.
- I haven't, no.
- Oh, haven't you?
Well, you can.
Not brag, obviously, but
- Oh, look who it is!
- What?
Pull over! Pull over!
It's Buster.
Erm, [ don't believe
we've been formally introduced.
It's Buster.
It's Marcus Ormansby's dog.
- It must mean he's back.
- Oh, for
- Now what are you doing?
- Nothing!
I'll just
Becka and Jamie are coming for dinner,
we need wine.
No, we don't.
We've got three unopened bottles in the
I won't be long.
Just wait there.
Hello!
(Knocking)
All right, sir?
Yes.
Thank you, Liam.
Good.
Good 10 see you.
You great, witless, walking ASBO.
Ah
Afternoon, Emil.
How's things?
I couldn't beg a favour, could I?
You wouldn't stick this up
in your window for me, would you?
It's advertising that meeting we're going
to have about the anniversary celebrations.
We're gonna have a float.
Do you have floats at all in Poland?
Anyway, we need as many people
as we can to attend, so
OK, I'll stick it up.
Great.
I'll do it now, then, shall 17
Fabulous!
Thank you!
Oh, hello stranger!
(She chuckles)
It's Maggie.
Maggie Cole.
We met last year.
Oh, right, yes.
Of course, Maggie.
Hi.
Hi.
So you're back
at Riverside Cottage again, then,
working on your latest masterpiece?
Trying to, yeah.
Oh, did you arrive today?
Er, no.
No, about four nights ago.
Oh, wow!
You must've rattled out
five chapters by now, then.
Well, I've made a start, anyway.
Yes, we always make sure that your books
are prominently displayed here.
Yes, I have noticed that.
Er, technically,
I'm not really a local author, though, so
Pfft, you write them all here, don't you?
- Well, yes.
- Well, there you go, then.
You are an honorary Thurlbrian.
Sorry, a what?
Oh, grrrr!
You know,
I wish I'd known that you were here
because I've just done an interview
for local radio.
It's a silly little piece about the village.
You know, it's nothing of your sort of level.
They'll probably use it as filler.
- But I could've plugged your book.
- Oh, well.
Maybe next time.
Oh, no, there probably won't be a next time.
Although Jez did say that I was a natural.
Right.
I suppose I'd better get back
to stockpiling the old provisions, then.
Er, I'm sure I'll see you around.
Yeah, absolutely.
Because I'm everywhere!
(She chuckles)
Yes.
(She laughs)
Oh, no, not there, Emil.
It would be much better on the door here,
wouldn't it?
More people would see it then.
No, put it here.
There, there.
That's it.
(Engine starts)
-Oh!
- Well?
- What?
- Wine?
Oh, we've got loads of that at home.
Just go home.
Go on, go on, drive home.
That's it.
- I'll see you tomorrow, then, yeah?
- Yeah.
- Night, Alex.
- Night-night.
Down boy!
Woof, woof!
Arghwoof!
- What are you doing here?
- (He laughs)
Oh, just gave Syd a ride home, didn't I?
I saw you two getting stuck in.
I thought I'd bag myself a ringside seat.
- Who said I'm giving you a lift?
- This was my car once, you know?
- No, it wasn't, it was Dad's.
- Al right.
Come on, then.
Mum's probably got tea on.
Bye, Roxy!
Bye!
I love you!
- Goodnight!
- Grow up, grow up!
{He toots the car horn)
He crosses the line!
He's the Formula 1 champion of the world!
- Yay!
- Josh Roberts!
See?
- This is how Lewis Hamilton started.
- (She sighs)
People are gonna ask questions.
So, we say we got it on finance.
Or I sold a kidney.
Stop worrying, it's just a car.
Have a look inside.
Do you like the colour at least?
Yes, Neil, I like the colour.
It's my favourite.
You know it is.
So, how's about it, kidder?
You want to go for a quick spin?
No, it's a school night!
Please, Mum!
Please, Mum
Urgh, all right, all right.
Once around the green and then bed, OK?
- All right, passenger seat, mate.
- Seat belt!
I'm driving.
OK, seat belt on.
(Engine starts)
MAGGIE: I just..
Basically, I just
I was happy to help.
They probably won't use very much of it at all.
They just wanted, erm,
insights from a local historian.
- A local what?
- Historian.
Yeah.
What did you actually talk about,
then, Mum?
She can't remember,
she was sloshed.
I was not sloshed!
It was mostly about Thurlbury.
You know
.Jez did say that it was great.
They could fill a whole hour with it.
I couldn't believe it.
They were probably joking, Mum.
They tend to edit that stuff down.
- I did a little thing for local radio once.
- Oh?
- You did?
- Yeah.
Oh, it wasn't here,
it was when I was up at uni.
I don't remember that. Oh, no, it wasn't
one of the awful boxing things, was it?
- Boxing thing?
- Yeah.
Jamie used to box.
- You used to box?
- Yes.
Absolutely awful.
I used to worry myself sick about it.
Sorry, sorry, no. I can't quite
You?
You used to box?
You once woke me up to get rid of a spider.
- It was big.
- (She laughs)
Er, by the way, Mum
did we tell you we think we might've found
a shop space for Becka's business
- up in Trellcombe?
- Oh, that'll be good!
You'll be able to sell
loads of your little trinkets up there.
- They've got pots of money.
- Bespoke jewellery, Maggie, not trinkets.
That's what..
That's what I meant.
(She chuckles)
And it'll be good not to have to work
from home any more, won't it?
Because that'll free up your second bedroom.
That'll be good.
Mm.
Yeah.
You'll have to find something
maybe something else to do with that.
(Her foot thumps his leg)
Are you two thinking
of starting a family soon?
Oh..
Honestly!
Sorry, he's so insensitive.
I'm so sorry.
It is a fair question, though, isn't it?
I mean, you have been married
for three years now.
And, hello!
Custom-made baby-sitting service here,
getting older by the day.
Yeah, well, you know, we've
.we've talked about it.
But it's
Maggie, you may rest assured that
if and when we decide to start a family,
you will definitely be
. the third to know.
Well, good.
That's good.
Bronze.
That's
That's great.
Good.
Right
Bye.
(He sighs heavily)
I said, bring it up subtly.
That was subtle.
Non-subtle would've been,
"Your mum wants to know
when we're getting grandkids."
That practically is what you said.
(He scoffs)
I love you.
(She laughs)
You're such an idiot!
Hm
- And [ love you, too.
- Mm.
(She chuckles)
- I love you.
- And you.
(Engine starts)
Of course, it's a Friday night.
Off on another one of his
"business weekends".
The actual air quotes were unnecessary.
-I would've got it from the tone.
- Poor Carol.
She knows, you know?
I know she knows.
And she just lets it happen.
We should invite her over
for supper sometime.
No, we shouldn't.
She's our GP.
I mean, she's seen my bits and bobs.
And I'm not having supper with someone
who's seen my bits and bobs.
Right
- Are we sorted?
-We are.
- Goodnight, Headmaster.
- Night-night, you.
- Oh, yeah.
Hey, are you excited about the interview?
Tremendously, yes.
Can we have the light out now?
We need to start
getting the word out about it.
Oh, God, you're not gonna make
a big thing about this, are you?
I'm not doing this for me, Peter.
This is all about Thurlbury
and promoting the anniversary celebrations.
We want everyone in the village listening.
I'll put it on the social medias.
You're not on the social medias.
I'll use the school's or Jamie's.
Neither of those are yours.
And why do you have the passwords?
Look, I mean,
can you not do this tomorrow?
Maybe think about it before you do.
It'll probably only be
a short little clip they use.
I just don't want you to be disappointed,
that's all.
Mm.
Plus, you'd like to go to sleep.
Plus, I'd like to go to sleep.
Mm-hm!
(They both sigh)
- Well, obviously, I can see that.
- Oh, right.
Oh, come on
Why is it?
Oh, double tap.
Oh, double tap, I see.
It's supposed to
Ah, ha-ha!
There you go!
There I go what?
Who's this?
Well, I don't know.
But keep swiping like this.
Right, and then you put a blue tick
in this box here if you like anyone.
- Swipe it, like this.
- Yeah, I know how to swipe, Maggie.
I just don't know what I'm swiping for,
cos this looks suspiciously like a
A dating app!
Yes, it is!
I've signed you up for one.
Well, Jamie did.
Because I don't really know how to do it.
Well, you were saying the other day
that you didn't get to meet anybody.
Yes, I was.
But that doesn't mean that I'm so desperate
that I want to go on some
- Oh, hello, he's nice, isn't he?
-No, no, you don't want that one.
- He works on the rigs, he'll be away.
- Well, hey!
What?
How do you know?
Because I've checked them all out earlier.
What?
I've got a vested interest in this.
I mean, anyone that you pick
is potentially gonna become
a best friend-in-law, aren't they?
(Phone rings)
Talking of which, here's yours.
Oh, yeah, well, he's also my boss.
So, don't mention I'm spending
my lunch break down at the pub,
even if you did kidnap me.
Lips are sealed.
Thurlbury Historic Keep.
Oh, sorry, love.
Sorry, I mean, hi.
Maggie, would you like to tell me
why I've just received an invitation
to a barbecue party
that's being held at my own house?
Oh, sorry about that.
I just copied in everyone in my address book.
No, he's got a big beard.
No, no.
So, we're having a barbecue?
Yeah, for the broadcast.
I'm sure I mentioned it.
Er, no.
No, you didn't.
I'm sure I did
- (Knock on door)
- Hang on, sorry.
Oh, sorry.
Erm, just this email, the barbecue.
Do I need to RSVP to Mrs Cole
or can I just tell you that I'm coming?
No.
Erm, I'll pass your acceptance on.
Thank you.
Thank you, sorry.
Maggie
Exactly how many people have you invited?
Not many.
Now, then
Yes, please.
Hey!
You are allowed to help, you know?
Oh, I am helping.
I'm on doorbell duty.
- (Doorbell chimes)
- There, see?
Once more, my services
.are required.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey!
-Oh, hey
Dinner, here, two weeks in a row.
I deserve a medal of honour for this.
- Oh, hello.
-Hi, Dad.
Oh, dear, couldn't come up with an excuse
fast enough, then?
No, we did.
It didn't take.
Right, better go on down there.
Abandon hope all ye, et cetera, et cetera.
Ah.!
Perfect timing.
- There we are.
- See you in a minute.
- OK.
Fun.
That's good.
Glad you came, that's good.
Lovely to see you.
Hello.
Ah, hi, Karen.
Maggie.
So, you've never actually been here before,
have you?
-No.
- Ah.
Oh, it's very nice.
Oh, well, thank you very much.
Yes, it suits us.
I mean, it's a lovely view of the estuary.
And Mr Cole obviously takes great care
of the garden.
Peter?
(She laughs)
I mean, no, you must be joking.
No.
All of this is my doing.
No, he would over-water a cactus, that one.
No, cactuses don't need watering.
- Cacti.
- Sorry?
No, of course they don't.
It's just a
It's just a silly joke, that's all.
What was?
Nothing.
Will you excuse me, Karen?
Thanks.
Hi.
- Ch, Carol, so glad you could make it.
- Ch, not at all.
Thanks for having me.
Spared me having to cook.
Oh, of course.
Alan's away again, isn't he?
Nothing worse than cooking for one.
- Oh, sorry.
- Oh, none taken.
So, did he get to speak to you last week?
Who, Alan?
No, Jez.
Are you gonna be on, too?
I don't know what you're talking about,
Maggie. I'm sorry.
Oh, didn't he drop by the surgery
last week?
Er, Jez, the reporter.
I told him to come and see you.
You did?
Why?
Well, because he asked me to suggest
some notable residents.
Oh
- Did he speak to you?
- Oh, am I a notable resident?
Of course you are!
Headmaster-in-waiting.
I mean, Mistress.
I mean, Headmistress, sorry.
- Well, whatever I am, no, he didn't.
- Oh, that's strange
Maybe he ran out of time.
Talking of which
Oh-ho
I'll be on in a minute.
It's like a premier, isn't it?
I feel like I should make a speech
or something.
- And if she tries, wrestle her to the ground.
- Shh!
- Or box her.
- Shh!
(MUSIC ON THE RADIO:
The Final Countdown by Europe)
(Music plays on the radio)
(She turns up the volume)
You know she's gonna ask.
(Music plays on the radio)
(Music plays on the radio)
Don't touch that dial!
You'll only get in trouble with Maggie.
- I'm not afraid of her.
- Of course you're not, Dad.
(Music plays on the radio)
(Music plays on the radio)
Do you need a hand, Headmaster?
Oh, hello, Karen.
Erm, you really don't need
to call me Headmaster outside of work.
Actually, you don't need
to call me in work, either.
Oh, I really think I should.
In work, I mean.
That's your prerogative.
But outside of work, Peter is fine.
Well, do you need a hand.. Peter?
Right, can I just?
Just take that, thank you.
{She bangs on the barbecue)
Everyone!
The Thurlbury piece should be on after this.
So, if you'd like to move over this way,
you'll be able to hear better.
WOMAN ON RADIO: Across (he county
and on digital nationwide,
this is Coastland FM.
Oh, I'm nervous!
- I absolutely hate the sound of my own voice.
- Since when?
MAN ON RADIO: The time now is just
coming up to 1:30. In a moment we'll get.
Actually, while we're waiting,
can I just remind everyone that
there's a meeting tomorrow night about
- RADIO: ..with Jeremy Crosby.
- Woo! Shut up!
Shut up, it's on!
JEZ: Village fife
The very term itseif
conjures up images of summer fétes,
cucumber sandwiches
and tea on the lawn.
But does such an idealistic,
chocolate box vision
That's him, that's Jez.
“Still hold (rue today?
Or is the great British village
an altogether different beast?
I recently visited
the historic former medieval settlement
of Thurlbury to find out.
It was here I spoke to focal resident
and amateur historian Maggie Cole
Amateur?
.And asked her what it was like
living in, what must presumably be,
quite a close-knit community.
MAGGIE:
Oh, it's wonderful, if's just wonderful,
I'm actually fourth generation Thurlbury
myself, born and bred,
There's literally nowhere else in the world
that I would rather be.
JEZ: I wondered whether there was
any truth to the wider public perception
of communal village living.
Is it alt curtain twitching
and gossiping over garden fences?
MAGGIE:
Oh, well, I don't know about that.
But it's certainly true
that everybody knows everybody else,
or at least knows someone who does.
(She laughs)
You can't keep a secret here.
Er, that's from two bits of the interview.
Gosh, it's fascinating, isn't it,
how they put it together?
Shush, shush, shush.
I'm trying to listen.
MAGGIE: Obviously,
I'm not really one for gossip, but
some of what goes on round here
would put the soaps to shame.
(She laughs)
And that's from a different part, too.
JEZ: And with that,
she began to regale me
with various tales
from the Thurlbury rumour mill
I did what?
MAGGIE: Oh, yeah, you wouldn't think it
to look at them. Not at all.
I mean, they seem like the perfect couple.
They've been married 15 years
and she's been the village GP here for ten.
He spends most weekends in Exeter,
supposedly on business.
But a friend of mine saw him there once
and he was
Well, let's just say
in the arms of someone else.
A male someone else,
No, no, that was just
We were just talking, then.
They weren't supposed to be
MAGGIE:
Yes, of course we're multicultural here.
Of course we are!
We've got a lovely Polish family, actually.
They've been here ten years.
They'd do absolutely anything for you,
They're the heart and soul of this community.
Mind, between you and me,
the daughter's a bit of a one.
Nice enough girl, very pretty,
but she certainly knows it.
I mean, obviously, I'm not saying
she has a reputation, as such, just..
Well, from what I've heard,
you could count on one hand
the number of boys
she hasn't been carrying on with.
MAGGIE: “stays for a couple of months
every summer, writes all his novels here.
Claims it's for the tranquility.
But, you know, if you ask me, ifs
Well, let's be polite and say research,
rather than laziness or cheating.
You see he doesn't actually
make any of his characters up,
like proper writers do.
He just secretly bases them
on people round here.
Loads of us have spotted ourselves in them.
- What?!
- Loads of us.
Oh, my God
MAGGIE:
Well, you have to wonder, don't you?
! mean, arrive out of nowhere four years ago,
no family.
Suddenly owns the village pub.
He's from London.
The East End.
Hm, never talks about himself, of course,
but..
.I've heard things
Gangland things.
Take it from me,
we're talking witness protection here.
I mean, you only have to look at him,
to be honest.
MAGGIE: I know one family around here
with a bit more going on than meets the eye.
They re a very friendly couple. I've known
them since they were kids, to be honest
No, no, no, no
She's a hairdresser at the local salon.
husband Works at the boatyard
Dad, for God's sake, just turn it off.
Don't!
Don't you dare!
MAGGIE:
It's not like either of them make much
and then, suddenly, a brand-new car,
flashy clothes.
Oh, no.
Oh, God
The pair of them have started acting,
Well, you know, differently.
I'd read there'd been a jackpot winner
somewhere in the county.
I don't know why they're trying to hide it
though.
They re probably worried about
begging letters or something like that.
- Maggie, what is this?
-1
Yes, yes, my husband's the headmaster
there, you see.
Maggie
Actually, he's retiring next year.
If's never gonna be the same without him.
I mean, the woman who's taking over,
she's
Well, don't get me wrong or anything, she's
actually my best friend, as it goes, but
oh, you know, maybe not
the sharpest tool in the box, to put it mildly.
I mean,
how she thinks she could ever take
(Radio falls silent)
Everyone, you have to believe me,
I don't understand what's just
No, you don't!
You don't understand anything.
Carol
No. No, no. Leave it.
Just
Er, everyone, I think it might be best
if we called a halt to the proceedings.
Yeah?
Yeah, I think we should probably go, too.
Are you joking?
For once, I'm actually up for staying.
Becks, please
I'm sorry.
Dill..
Oh, Jill.
Listen
Al of that
just was completely out of context.
All right.
All right, well, I'll tell you what, Maggie.
Why don't you tell me what the context
for you telling an entire county
what an apparently
useless, thick, moron I am would be?
Dill..
Let's not do this now.
No.
No, you're right.
I tell you what, Maggie
let's not do this ever.
Oh, God
- Are you all right?
- Well..
.I managed to save some of it.
But there's only so much room in the freezer.
No, that's not what I meant.
Are you all right?
Yes, absolutely fine.
I'm actually going to go
and have a quick bath.
Do you not want 10,
I don't know, talk about it?
Talk about what?
Oh, a storm in a teacup.
It'll all be forgotten by tomorrow morning.
Do you want a bath after me?
No.
No, good, thanks.
Did you hear it?
Yeah, I heard her.
I heard it, the lads at the yard heard it,
my boss heard it.
Oh, God, what did you tell them?
Neil, what did you tell them?
Oh!
Oi, has he said anything vet?
No.
It's nonsense.
The woman's an idiot.
(He clears his throat)
£3.10.
Why don't you have one for yourself, mate?
(Door closes)
Hey, are you all right?
God, I'm hungry.
Have you eaten?
Cos I was thinking of ordering a takeout.
What's wrong?
JEZ: Village life The very term itself
conjures up images of summer
(Phone line rings)
Hello, this is Alex.
I can't get to the phone right now,
- Please leave a message after the
- (She hangs up)
Are you all right, Maggie?
Still in the bath?
TEARFULLY: Yeah, I won't be long.
(He knocks)
(She sobs)
Oh, Maggie
(He sighs)
Come here.
(She sobs)
Oh
It's gonna be all right.
No, it's not!
It's not!
I didn't mean it, any of it.
- I was just talking.
- know.
- You know, people talk.
- I know, I know.
But why would he do that?
It doesn't matter.
- It doesn't matter.
- (She sobs)
If it makes you feel any better,
I'am, at some point,
going to break both his legs.
Mm.
I've ruined everything.
No.
No, you haven't.
You haven't done anything
that can't be fixed.
Yes, I have.
I mean, how do you fix a thing like this?!
I don't know.
I don't know.
Perhaps by stubbornly refusing
to acknowledge that it can't be fixed.
Hm?
And you are the most stubborn woman
I know.
Hm
We're gonna
we're gonna talk to them.
All of them.
- One by one.
- Yeah.
We're not gonna lie,
we're not gonna make excuses.
- We're just gonna talk.
- Yeah.
- And we're gonna make it right.
- Yeah.
With all of them.
- Each and every one.
- Yeah.
- I don't know how.
-No.
- But we are.
- Yeah.
A storm in a teacup.
It's just a storm in a teacup.
The things people are saying!
They're just trolls, Maggie.
Neil, the entire village
thinks we've won the lottery.
Well, maybe that's the answer.
Jill, it's breaking her heart.
If you could just talk to her.
We are going to walk to the pub
with our heads held high.
We're gonna sit down,
we're gonna have a drink
as a family, just like normal!
What do you mean "like normal"?
We have literally never done that ever.
What goes around comes around, Roxy.
You'll see.
Would you like to know the truth, Maggie?
- Well,I
- Oh, I think you deserve it.
Us outed six need to stick together.
-Right?
-Right.
I'm Thurlbury's local historian.
You run a gift shop, Maggie.
You just run a gift shop.
Peter, I'm a meme!