The Umbrella Academy (2019) s01e01 Episode Script

1 [WOMAN SPEAKING RUSSIAN.]
[WOMEN PANTING.]
[WOMAN CONTINUES SPEAKING RUSSIAN.]
[WATER RUNNING.]
[SPEAKING RUSSIAN.]
- [LAUGHS.]
- [KNOCKING.]
- [WHISTLE BLOWS.]
- [SPEAKING RUSSIAN.]
[INSTRUCTOR CALLS OUT.]
- [GROUP MURMURING.]
- [INSTRUCTOR STAMMERS.]
[SHOUTS.]
- [SHOUTS.]
- [GASPS.]
[GROUP SCREAMING.]
[GROANING.]
[SCREAMING.]
[WAILING.]
- [PANTING.]
- [GROUP MURMURS.]
[GROANS.]
[MEN SPEAKING RUSSIAN.]
[YOUNG WOMAN WAILS.]
[PANTING.]
- [BABY CRYING.]
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER IN RUSSIAN.]
[NARRATOR.]
On the 12th hour of the first day of October 1989, 43 women around the world gave birth.
This was unusual only in the fact that none of these women had been pregnant when the day first began.
Sir Reginald Hargreeves, eccentric billionaire and adventurer, resolved to locate and adopt as many of the children as possible.
Extraordinary! How much do you want for it? [REGINALD SPEAKING RUSSIAN.]
["PICTURE BOOK" BY THE KINKS PLAYING.]
Picture yourself When you're getting old Sat by the fireside a-pondering on Picture book Pictures of your mama Taken by your papa A long time ago Long time ago Long time ago Yeah, yeah, yeah [PLAYING "THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA".]
[ALARM BEEPING.]
[MAN GROANS.]
- [GRUNTS.]
- [FLOORBOARDS CREAKING.]
- [BUTTONS CLICK.]
- [MACHINE BUZZING.]
[GUITAR, BASS, AND DRUMS JOIN SONG.]
- [GLASS SHATTERS.]
- [MAN GROANS.]
[MAN.]
Show me where the safe is, or your family's dead! - Where's the safe? - [FAMILY WHIMPERING.]
[MAN 2.]
Just leave us alone! [WEATHERMAN ON TV.]
little bit of rain potentially, later in the week.
[MAN 3 YELPS.]
- [NECK CRACKS.]
- [THUDS.]
[MAN 4 GRUNTING.]
[MAN 5.]
Who is this guy? [BOTH GRUNTING.]
[VIOLIN SOLO PLAYING.]
[CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING.]
[CROWD CLAMORING.]
[MAN.]
Over here, over here! There's our sweetheart, Allison! [WOMAN.]
Oh! You're perfect! [PLAYING "ANGEL OF MUSIC".]
[SIGHS.]
Hey, you, stay strong.
I believe in you.
Okay? You, not so much.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
[MAN.]
Bye, Klaus.
We'll see you soon, Klaus.
- [ATTENDANT.]
Stay sober.
- Mm.
- [RADIO BEEPS.]
- [AUTOMATED VOICE.]
Incoming transmission.
[WOMAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY OVER TV.]
[DIEGO.]
Your family is safe now.
- [VIOLIN PLAYING "THINK OF ME".]
- [NEWS FANFARE PLAYS ON TV.]
[MAN ON TV.]
We're going now live to a breaking story.
- [MAN.]
One more! - [MAN 2.]
Allison, here! - [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
- [SHUTTERS CLICKING.]
[MAN 3.]
Al Allison, Allison! - Allison! - Allison! Have you heard the news? When was the last time you saw your father? Have you heard from your brothers? [WOMAN.]
Allison, will you wear Valentino to the funeral? [REPORTERS CLAMORING.]
[POLICE SIREN WAILS.]
[SMOOCHES.]
- [SIREN WAILING.]
- [MUSIC FADES.]
[ROCK VERSION OF "THE MUSIC OF THE NIGHT" PLAYING.]
[GASPS.]
[PANTING, LAUGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
[WHOOPS.]
[NEWS FANFARE PLAYS.]
[MAN ON TV.]
Moments ago, police reported the death of the most eccentric and reclusive billionaire.
[STOPS PLAYING ABRUPTLY.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[HORN BLARING IN DISTANCE.]
[INAUDIBLE.]
Dad Hey, Mom.
Mom? [ALLISON.]
Vanya? You're actually here.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
- Hey, Allison.
- Hey, sis.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
[DIEGO.]
Ah.
What is she doing here? You don't belong here.
Not after what you did.
You're seriously gonna do this today? [ALLISON.]
Way to dress for the occasion, by the way.
[DIEGO.]
At least I'm wearing black.
You know what? I Maybe he's right.
- And I shouldn't - [ALLISON.]
Forget about him.
I'm glad you're here.
[FLOOR CREAKING.]
[DIEGO.]
I can save you some time.
They're all locked.
No forced entry, no sign of struggle.
Nothing out of the ordinary.
Oh, you got big, Luther.
What's the secret, huh? Protein shakes? Low carbs? What do you want? The autopsy report.
Ah.
And you have this why? Well, that's because I broke into the coroner's office.
And surprise, surprise, Dad's death was normal.
Just a boring, old heart failure.
Yeah, so? So, why are you in here, checking all the windows? - Were you the first one on the scene? - Pogo found him.
Yeah, I talked to Pogo.
He said he couldn't find Dad's monocle.
And your point being? Can you think of a single time you saw Dad and he wasn't wearing that monocle? No.
Which means someone took it.
Which means there's a chance he wasn't alone when he died.
There is no mystery here.
Nothing to avenge.
Nothing to solve, nothing like that.
It's just a sad old man who kicked it in a big, empty house.
Just like he deserved.
You should leave.
Whatever you say, brother.
- [FOOTSTEPS FADING.]
- [SIGHS.]
[MALE VOICE.]
Welcome home, Ms.
Vanya.
[VANYA.]
Pogo.
[POGO.]
Hmm.
[SIGHS.]
So good to see you.
Ah, yes, your autobiography.
Do you know, um Did he ever read it? Hmm Not that I'm aware of.
[VANYA.]
How long has it been since Five disappeared? [POGO.]
It's been 16 years, four months, and 14 days.
Your father insisted I keep track.
You wanna know something stupid? I always used to leave the lights on for him.
I was scared that he would come back, it would be late, and the house would be dark and he wouldn't be able to find us, so he'd leave again.
So, every night I'd make a little snack and make sure all the lights were on.
Oh, I remember your snacks.
I'm pretty sure I stepped in half those peanut butter and marshmallow sandwiches.
[SIGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
Your father always believed that Number Five was still out there somewhere.
He never lost hope.
And look where that got him.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
The children are ready for bed, sir.
They wanted to say goodnight.
Okay! Time for bed now, kids.
Come along now.
Come along now.
Come along now, Allison, your father's busy.
He's always busy.
- [KLAUS.]
Where's the cash, Dad? - [DRAWERS CLATTERING.]
[KLAUS.]
Where's the cash? Klaus? What are you doing in here? Oh! Allison! Wow, is that you? Hey, come here.
Long time.
Too long.
Hey, I was hoping to see you, actually, because I wanted to get your autograph.
Add it to my collection! - Just out of rehab? - No, no.
No, no, no, no.
No.
I'm done with all that.
[SIGHS.]
I just came down here to prove to myself that the old man was really gone.
And he is! He's dead.
Yeah! You know how I know? Because if he were alive, not one of us would be allowed to set foot in this room.
He was always in here, our whole childhood, plotting his next torment, right? [CHUCKLES.]
Remember how he used to look at us? That scowl? Thank Christ he's not our real father so we couldn't inherit those cold, dead eyes! - [SCREAMS, EXCLAIMS.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
- [IMITATING REGINALD.]
Number Three! - [LUTHER.]
Get out of his chair.
[KLAUS.]
Oh, wow, Luther! Wow, you really, uh You really filled out over the years, huh? - [LUTHER.]
Klaus.
- Save the lecture.
I was already leaving.
You guys can talk amongst yourselves.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
- Drop it.
- Ex-squeeze me? Do it.
Now.
All right.
All right.
It's just an advance on our inheritance! That's all it is.
No need to get your little panties in a bunch.
Ah.
[KISSES.]
So, Klaus is still Klaus, in case you were wondering.
You know, after all these years, I find it strangely comforting.
Did you see Diego? - With his stupid outfit? - Oh, I know.
Do you think he wears that thing in the bathroom? - Like in the shower? - Yeah.
Yes, absolutely! [ALLISON LAUGHS.]
I, uh I wasn't sure you'd come.
Me neither.
You look great.
Thanks.
Where's Patrick and Claire? Patrick filed for divorce eight months ago.
Of course you don't know, you've been gone.
What about Claire? He got custody.
Shit.
Well You could always do your, uh, you know rumor thing.
Yeah, I don't do that anymore.
- What happened? - Same thing that always happens.
I made a wish, and it came true, and I couldn't take it back.
[FIRE CRACKLING.]
[LUTHER.]
Um - [DRINK POURING.]
- I guess we should get this started.
So, I figured we could have a sort of memorial service in the courtyard at sundown.
Say a few words, just at Dad's favorite spot.
- Dad had a favorite spot? - You know, under the oak tree.
We used to sit out there all the time.
None of you ever did that? Will there be refreshments? Tea? Scones? Cucumber sandwiches are always a winner.
What? No.
And put that out.
Dad didn't allow smoking in here.
- Is that my skirt? - What? Oh, yeah, this.
I found it in your room.
It's a little dated, I know, but it's very breathey on the bits.
Listen up.
Still some important things that we need to discuss, all right? - [DIEGO.]
Like what? - Like the way he died.
And here we go.
I don't understand.
I thought they said it was a heart attack.
Yeah, according to the coroner.
- Well, wouldn't they know? - Theoretically.
Theoretically? I'm just saying, at the very least, something happened.
The last time that I talked to Dad, he sounded strange.
[GURGLING.]
Oh, quelle surprise! Strange how? He sounded on edge.
Told me I should be careful who to trust.
Luther, he was a paranoid, bitter old man who was starting to lose what was left of his marbles.
No.
He must have known something was going to happen.
Look, I know you don't like to do it, but I need you to talk to Dad.
[SCOFFS.]
I can't just call Dad in the afterlife and be like, "Dad, could you just stop playing tennis with Hitler for a moment and take a quick call?" Since when? That's your thing.
I'm not in the right frame of mind.
- You're high? - [LAUGHS.]
Yeah! Yeah! I mean, how are you not, listening to this nonsense? Well, sober up, this is important.
- [SIGHS.]
- [LUTHER.]
Then there's the issue - of the missing monocle.
- Who gives a shit about a stupid monocle? Exactly.
It's worthless.
So whoever took it, I think it was personal.
Someone close to him.
Someone with a grudge.
- Where are you going with this? - Oh, isn't it obvious, Klaus? He thinks one of us killed Dad.
[GRUNTS SOFTLY.]
You do? How could you think that? Great job, Luther.
Way to lead.
- That's not what I'm saying.
- You're crazy, man.
You're crazy.
- Crazy.
- [LUTHER.]
I've not finished.
Sorry, I'm just gonna go murder Mom.
Be right back.
- Be right back.
- That's not what I was saying.
I didn't [SIGHS.]
Allison.
Jeez [SIGHS.]
That went well.
[MAN.]
In five, four, three, two This is Jim Hellerman, reporting live for Channel 2 News outside of the Capital West bank at Main and Sixth.
A group of heavily armed men stormed the bank not three hours ago and took an unknown number of hostages.
- [MAN 2.]
Hey, get them behind the counter! - [ALARM BLARING.]
Now you've put me in a position where I gotta do something I don't want to do.
Hmm? Shit! Hey, get back with the others.
I heard a rumor.
What? What did you say? ["THE WALKER" BY FITZ AND THE TANTRUMS PLAYING.]
[ECHOING.]
I heard a rumor that you shot your friend in the foot.
'Cause 99 miles per hour, baby - [GUN COCKS.]
- [MAN 3.]
Hey, dude.
What the hell? [GROANS.]
[HOSTAGES SCREAMING.]
[GUNFIRE.]
[JIM.]
We just heard shots from inside the bank.
It's uncertain if any hostages have been harmed in that.
[MAN 4.]
Up there! [JIM.]
There's some movement on the roof.
Possibly law enforcement.
Hey, yeah, yeah, yeah Oh, here we go - [MAN 5 SHOUTS.]
- [CROWD SCREAMS.]
Looks like one of the armed robbers has been thrown from the bank.
Guns are for sissies.
Real men throw knives.
[GROANS.]
I've been in many hostage situations, like this, and it can escalate very quickly.
Get back, you freaks.
- [DIEGO.]
Hey, be careful up there, buddy.
- Get back now! - [ALLISON.]
Wouldn't want you to get hurt.
- Or what? [GRUNTING.]
Oh, here we go - [GUN CLICKS.]
- Ooh! That's one badass stapler! [MAN GRUNTS.]
[JIM.]
Although there's been no activity for a few minutes, we're gonna stay live on location to make sure we don't miss anything in this hostage situation at the Capital West bank.
Do we really have to do this? [LUTHER.]
Come on, Ben.
There's more guys in the vault.
[SIGHS.]
I didn't sign up for this.
[JIM.]
Now we see the hostages.
They They're free.
They're scared, clearly, but they do seem to be unharmed.
- [BEAST SCREECHES.]
- [PEOPLE SCREAMING.]
[BEAST ROARS.]
[MUSIC STOPS.]
[SIGHS.]
[BREATHES SHAKILY.]
Can we go home now? [JIM.]
People are coming out now.
It's not the armed robbers.
These are young schoolchildren in uniforms with masks on.
- [MAN.]
Lower your weapon! - [JIM.]
Jim Hellerman, Channel 2 News.
- [MAN 2.]
How did you get in the bank? - [MAN 3.]
What happened inside? Why can't I go play with the others? We've been through this before, Number Seven.
- [HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING.]
- [SIRENS WAILING.]
I'm afraid there's just nothing special about you.
Oh.
- [CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING.]
- Our world is changing.
Has changed.
There are some among us gifted with abilities far beyond the ordinary.
I have adopted six such children.
I give you the inaugural class of the Umbrella Academy.
Mr.
Hargreeves! Mr.
Hargreeves.
Channel 9 News.
What happened to their parents? They were suitably compensated.
Are you concerned about the welfare of the children? Of course.
As I am for the fate of the world.
[CAMERA SHUTTERS CONTINUE CLICKING.]
[KLAUS.]
Listen up, old man.
You know, if I was murdered, and if one of my sons adopted sons happened to be able to commune with the dead, I might think about, [LAUGHS.]
I don't know, I don't know manifesting! Do the whole big angry ghost lecture.
Tell everyone who done it, and find eternal peace.
Eternal peace is probably overrated.
[SIGHS.]
Come on now, Reggie.
Any time now.
Please.
[CHUCKLES.]
Just need to sober up! Clear thoughts.
[EXHALES.]
Come on! Come on, chop-chop! You always were a stubborn bastard! [PANTING.]
I don't know about you, but I need a drink.
[GASPS, LAUGHS.]
Oh! [FLOOR CREAKING.]
[BIRDS CHIRPING.]
Oh.
Three? Okay! [SIGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
[EXHALES.]
[KNUCKLES CRACK.]
[PLAYER CLICKS.]
["I THINK WE'RE ALONE NOW" BY TIFFANY PLAYING.]
Children behave That's what they say When we're together And watch how you play They don't understand And so we're Running just as fast as we can Holdin' on to one another's hand Tryin' to get away into the night And then you put your arms around me And we tumble to the ground And then you say I think we're alone now There doesn't seem to be anyone around I think we're alone now The beating of our hearts Is the only sound Look at the way We gotta hide what we're doin' 'Cause what would they say If they ever knew And so we're Running just as fast as we can Holdin' on to one another's hand Tryin' to get away into the night And then you put your arms around me And we tumble to the ground And then you say I think we're alone now There doesn't seem to be anyone around I think we're alone now The beating of our hearts Is the only sound I think we're alone now There doesn't seem to be anyone around I think we're alone now The beating of our hearts Is the only sound - [THUNDER RUMBLES.]
- [MUSIC STOPS.]
[GLASS SHATTERS.]
[LOCKET CLATTERS.]
Oh! Daddy? [GASPS.]
- Oh.
- [WIND HOWLING.]
- [VANYA.]
What is it? - [ALLISON.]
Don't get too close! Yeah, no shit.
Looks like some sort of temporal anomaly.
Either that or a miniature black hole.
One of the two.
Pretty big difference there, Paul Bunyan.
Out of the way! [LUTHER.]
What are you - [ALLISON.]
What is that gonna do? - I don't know.
Do you have a better idea? - [ELECTRICITY CRACKLES.]
- [LUTHER.]
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Everybody get behind me.
- Yeah, get behind us.
[KLAUS.]
I vote for running, c'mon! - [ELECTRICITY CRACKLING.]
- [SCREAMS.]
[THUNDER FADES.]
Does anyone else see little Number Five, or is that just me? Shit.
[SIGHS.]
What's the date? The exact date.
[VANYA.]
The 24th.
- [FIVE.]
Of what? - March.
Good.
So, are we gonna talk about what just happened? It's been 17 years.
[SCOFFS.]
It's been a lot longer than that.
I haven't missed that.
- Where'd you go? - The future.
And it's shit, by the way.
Called it.
I should've listened to the old man.
You know, jumping through space is one thing, jumping through time is a toss of the dice.
Nice dress.
Oh, well, danke! Wait, how did you get back? In the end, I had to project my consciousness forward into a suspended quantum state version of myself that exists across every possible instance of time.
That makes no sense.
Well, it would if you were smarter.
- How long were you there? - Forty-five years.
Give or take.
So what are you saying? That you're 58? No, my consciousness is 58.
Apparently, my body is now 13 again.
Wait, how does that even work? Delores kept saying the equations were off.
Eh.
Bet she's laughing now.
Delores? Hmm.
- Guess I missed the funeral.
- How'd you know about that? What part of the future do you not understand? Heart failure, huh? - Yeah.
- No.
[FIVE.]
Hmm.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
Nice to see nothing's changed.
Uh, that's it? That's all you have to say? [FIVE.]
What else is there to say? The circle of life.
Well That was interesting.
Ah, shit.
Nice to know Dad didn't forget me.
Read your book, by the way.
Found it in a library that was still standing.
I thought it was pretty good, all things considered.
Yeah, definitely ballsy, giving up the family secrets.
Sure that went over well.
They hate me.
Oh, there are worse things that can happen.
You mean like what happened to Ben? Was it bad? [THUNDER RUMBLES.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
Did something happen? Dad died.
Remember? Oh.
Yes, of course.
Is Mom okay? Yeah, yeah, she's fine.
She just needs to rest.
You know, recharge.
Whenever you're ready, dear boy.
Probably would have been better with some wind.
Does anyone wish to speak? Very well.
In all regards, Sir Reginald Hargreeves made me what I am today.
For that alone, I shall forever be in his debt.
He was my master and my friend, and I shall miss him very much.
He leaves behind a complicated legacy He was a monster.
[LAUGHS.]
He was a bad person and a worse father.
- The world's better off without him.
- Diego.
My name is Number Two.
You know why? Because our father couldn't be bothered to give us actual names.
He had Mom do it.
[MOM.]
Would anyone like something to eat? No, it's okay, Mom.
Oh, okay.
Look, you wanna pay your respects? Go ahead.
But at least be honest about the kind of man he was.
You should stop talking now.
You know, you of all people should be on my side here, Number One.
I am warning you.
[DIEGO.]
After everything he did to you? He had to ship you a million miles away.
Diego, stop talking.
That's how much he couldn't stand the sight of you! [BOTH GRUNTING.]
Boys, stop this at once! [SCREAMS.]
Come on, big boy! [GRUNTS.]
Stop it! Hit him! Hit him! [SIGHS, SCOFFS.]
[DIEGO.]
Get off me! [BOTH PANTING.]
We don't have time for this.
[DIEGO.]
Come here, big boy! [SHOUTS.]
Oh And there goes Ben's statue.
- Diego, no! - [GRUNTS.]
[GROANS.]
[LUTHER GASPS, PANTING.]
You never know when to stop, do you? You got enough material for your sequel yet? He was my father, too.
Mom.
Let's go inside.
Come on.
Okay? Come on.
I bet you're loving this.
Hmm? The team at its best.
It's just like old times.
Best funeral ever.
[REGINALD.]
Nietzsche once said, "Man is as a rope stretched between the animal and the superhuman.
A rope over an abyss.
It is a dangerous crossing, a dangerous looking-back, a dangerous trembling and halting.
" [WHISTLE BLOWS.]
As much as you must strive for individual greatness, and strive you must, for it won't come to you of its own accord you must also remember that there is no individual stronger than the collective.
[DIEGO.]
That's not fair, Five's cheating! He adapted.
The ties that bind you together - make you stronger than you are alone.
- [ALLISON CRYING.]
- [MACHINE BUZZING.]
- [GROANING.]
[REGINALD.]
They will make you impervious to the pain and hardship the world will thrust upon you.
And believe me when I tell you, life will be hard.
It will be painful.
We can accomplish anything when we accept responsibility together.
This is what creates trust.
[STATIC CRACKLES.]
[BUZZING.]
[MACHINE BEEPING.]
Together, you will stand against the reign of evil.
[BEEPING INTENSIFIES.]
Don't waste your time.
Diego's right, I shouldn't have come.
This is your home and always will be.
Should I get you a taxi? I already called one.
But thanks.
[HORN HONKS.]
- That's me.
- Uh I hope you know your father loved you very much.
In his own way.
Yeah, well, that's kind of the problem, isn't it? Take care of yourself.
You as well, Miss Vanya.
[CAR DOOR CLOSES.]
Where's Vanya? Oh, she's gone.
- That's unfortunate.
- [ALLISON.]
Yeah.
An entire square block.
Forty-two bedrooms, 19 bathrooms, but no, not a single drop of coffee.
Dad hated caffeine.
Well, he hated children, too, and he had plenty of us.
[LAUGHS.]
I'm taking the car.
Where are you going? To get a decent cup of coffee.
Do you even know how to drive? I know how to do everything.
I feel like we should try and stop him, but then again, I also just kinda want to see what happens.
[ENGINE TURNS OVER.]
All right, I guess I'll see you guys in, what, ten years? When Pogo dies? - Not if you die first.
- Yeah, love you too, sis.
Good luck on your next film.
Hope it turns out better than your marriage, huh? - Are Are we leaving? - No, I'm leaving, me by myself.
Oh, fabulous! I'll get my things.
[CRICKETS CHIRPING.]
Hey! Diego.
You know, every time I close my eyes, I see a diarrhetic hippo about to shit on my face.
It's terrifying! Terrific.
[ENGINE TURNS OVER.]
No! No.
- Lean back.
- [ENGINE REVS.]
[TIRES SCREECH.]
[WHIRRING.]
[CHIMING.]
[BRAKES SCREECH.]
[BELL RINGS.]
[SIGHS.]
[EXHALES DEEPLY.]
[DISHES CLATTERING.]
[FIVE SIGHS.]
[WAITRESS SIGHS.]
Sorry, sink was clogged.
[CHUCKLES.]
So, what'll it be? - Uh, give me a chocolate éclair.
- Mm-hmm.
Sure.
Can I get the kid a glass of milk or something? [SCOFFS.]
The kid wants coffee.
Black.
Cute kid.
[CHUCKLES.]
Okay.
[FIVE SIGHS.]
Don't remember this place being such a shithole.
I used to come here as a kid.
Used to sneak out with my brothers and sisters and eat doughnuts till we puked.
Simpler times, huh? Eh.
I suppose.
[WAITRESS CLEARS THROAT.]
Here.
[MAN.]
I got his.
Thanks.
You must know your way around the city.
I hope so.
I've been driving it for 20 years.
Good.
I need an address.
[MACHINE BEEPING.]
- [EXHALES.]
- [ENGINE STARTS.]
Hmm.
That was fast.
I thought I'd have more time before they found me.
Okay.
So let's all be professional about this, yeah? On your feet and come with us.
They want to talk.
I've got nothing to say.
It doesn't have to go this way.
You think I want to shoot a kid? Go home with that on my conscience? Well, I wouldn't worry about that.
You won't be going home.
["ISTANBUL (NOT CONSTANTINOPLE)" BY THEY MIGHT BE GIANTS PLAYING.]
- [GUNFIRE.]
- [MAN GROANS.]
Hey, assholes! Istanbul was Constantinople Now it's Istanbul, not Constantinople Been a long time gone, Constantinople Now it's Turkish delight On a moonlit night Every gal in Constantinople Lives in Istanbul, not Constantinople So if you've a date in Constantinople She'll be waiting in Istanbul - Even old New York - [MAN GRUNTS.]
- Was once New Amsterdam - [GROANING.]
Why they changed it I can't say People just liked it better that way - [MAN 2 SCREAMS.]
- So take me back to Constantinople No, you can't go back To Constantinople Been a long time gone, Constantinople - [GUNFIRE.]
- [MEN SCREAM, THUD.]
[FIVE SIGHS.]
- Istanbul - Istanbul Even old New York Was once New Amsterdam Why they changed it, I can't say - People just liked it better that way - [MAN 3 GASPING.]
Istanbul was Constantinople Now it's Istanbul, not Constantinople - [MAN 3 GRUNTS.]
- [NECK SNAPS.]
That's nobody's business but the Turks [GRUNTS.]
[GROANS.]
[CHIP BEEPING.]
- [BEEPING.]
- So take me back to Constantinople No, you can't go back To Constantinople Been a long time gone, Constantinople Why did Constantinople get the works? That's nobody's business but the Turks Istanbul [LUTHER.]
Do you ever remember a single time that Dad wasn't wearing his monocle? Yoo-hoo, Diego! I hate to rush you through any kind of brooding moment you might be having, but come on, man, we're starving! [INHALES, EXHALES.]
I'm craving eggs.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
No! Wait, it's too late for eggs.
Waffles.
Huh? You like waffles, right? Ah.
Of course you do.
Everyone likes waffles.
[WATER SPLASHES.]
[STATIC OVER RADIO.]
[WOMAN OVER POLICE RADIO.]
Gunshots reported on the 400 block of Milton Avenue, Griddy's Doughnuts.
Diego, thank you for joining us, we have decided on, drum roll, waffles.
I'm gonna drop you off at the bus stop.
I gotta get back to work.
What, breaking bones and cracking skulls? [CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
Saving lives, baby.
Well, I guess it's frozen waffles again.
Yeah, I could do egg and bacon, but I'm trying to cut down on my pig products.
[ENGINE TURNS OVER.]
[SIREN WAILS IN DISTANCE.]
- [LOCK CLICKS.]
- [HINGES CREAK.]
Jesus! You should have locks on your windows.
I live on the second floor.
Rapists can climb.
You are so weird.
Is that blood? It's nothing.
Why are you here? [SIGHS.]
I've decided you're the only one I can trust.
Why me? Because you're ordinary.
Because you'll listen.
Okay.
[INHALES SHARPLY.]
When I jumped forward and got stuck in the future, do you know what I found? - No.
- Nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
As far as I could tell, I was the last person left alive.
I never figured out what killed the human race, but I did find something else.
The date it happens.
The world ends in eight days, and I have no idea how to stop it.
I'll put on a pot of coffee.
[ROCK VIOLIN MUSIC PLAYING.]