The Unreal (2024) s01e01 Episode Script

1
(Spooky music plays)
Why aren't you in school?
Got sent home.
Kevin!
I didn't do it!
Didn't do what?
(Strange disembodied laughter.)
Wait, can you hear that?
Who's that laughing?
Seriously, with everything going on
with your Dad
at the moment you get suspended?
What is that?
Who's laughing?
I don't hear anything.
(Laughing continues)
Why's everyone laughing at me?
(Music and laughing continues,
getting louder.)
(A car handbrake is pulled suddenly.
The music fades away.)
Are we there yet?
We're lost.
We're not lost.
I just had the weirdest dream.
I could care less, but not much.
What's that supposed to mean?
I don't know -
a Kardashian said it
Mum, Katie's being mean to me.
How do you know?
Lucky guess?
Katie, don't be mean to your
brother. I wasn't even!
Quiet! Did we miss the turn-off?
Tom!
What that?
(She sighs) Never mind.
Hey, stop recording me - you're
infringing my human rights!
Mum, Katie's infringing my
human rights!
No, it's in the public interest;
therefore allowable.
I have a reasonable right to
privacy my own car!
Why do our kids know so much
about privacy laws?
(Opening music)
Is this ours?
Yeah!
It's nice, isn't it? Yeah.
Guys, doesn't it look nice? No!
It's going to be great, really.
Yeah, perfect, thanks Tom.
Ok! Excellent.
(She inhales deeply)
Smell that fresh country air!
How long do we have to stay here?
Look, there's a playground.
And we can all go for hikes
up the mountain.
Yeah: it's just what the doctor
ordered.
This is all your fault!
You're full of crap!
Kevin - language!
Crap isn't a bad word.
It is the way you say it!
In future
Don't say crap, say cabbage.
Cabbage!
You wanted to practice your
hurling, didn't you?
This place is perfect!
(He sighs)
Thanks for the back-up.
What did I do?
Nothing!
(Raindrops)
This whole jolly holiday thing
was your idea.
Okay, you're right.
Let's just relax and
have a good time.
(Tense music starts)
(Door squeaks open)
(Creepy music continues)
(Kevin's bag falls to the ground
with a thud.)
(The door of the cupboard
falls with a bang.)
(He sighs) It's going to be a
long week.
Oh look, there's a fold out TV.
What's the point of that?
(Music continues)
(A video falls, hitting the
dresser, then the ground.)
(The creepy music gets louder)
Hey guys! So,
new posts may be a little bit
spotty of the next few days
due to my mum's misguided desire
that we all need to holiday
in the hellish pit of despair!
also known as -
Moloney's Holiday Park
I mean (scoffs) can you believe
that I actually had to Katie!
I found your extra-small bra in my
bag!
Where do you want me to put it?!
I was recording!
I am going to kill you!
(She sighs)
There's supposed to be WiFi.
Tom, do you have WiFi?
(Sounding stressed) Where's the Wifi?
(Quiet music)
(Salt mill grinds)
(Dad sighs, exasperatedly)
This is cruel and
usual punishment
I said no.
I'm calling child services,
they'll take me away.
If only!
It's not fair, why does Katie
get to use her phone?
Because Katie would fall into a
catatonic stupor if she was
without her phone for 10 minutes
and she wasn't suspended from school
for hitting someone.
I didn't even do it! Oliver O'Hare is
a total liar, everyone knows that.
Why doesn't anyone believe me?
Anyway, do you really need to
stare at a screen to be happy?
When I was your age, there was no
tablets or mobile phones
I know!
and you all sat around the piano
singing songs
and knitting leg warmers
- well we're not cavemen anymore!
(Dad sniggers)
Who's up for a little board
game after dinner, hmm?
(Kevin bangs his head)
Hey.
You alright?
(Weird music plays)
Hey Dad!
Hmm?
Look what I found!
Oh yeah?
What is it?
It's a video tape.
It's how we used to watch movies
before streaming and downloads
Cool!
How's it work?
You need a video player to play it.
But I don't think they make them
anymore.
(Toothbrushing)
This place is so ancient -
maybe someone will have one?
Do you wanna go look for one?
together?
in the morning?
We'll see.
I'm wrecked.
I'm going to go to bed early.
Okay. Night Dad.
(Birdsong)
Morning.
(Kevin clatters around)
Do you have to make such a racket?
I'm trying to work.
Where's your father?
In bed.
What are you looking for?
Something to play this on?
Look, I never told work we were
going on holiday and
I've a meeting in half
an hour. You cannot be here!
You're the one who took my phone
away.
(He slams the door.)
(Mum sighs)
(An axe chops wood)
Hi Hello!
We're the Kellys, staying in
cabin 3 - do you work here?
I do, pet! I'm the caretaker.
Ye must be the Kellys in cabin 3?
Eh Yes!
Let me get a good look at you.
Now, what did I do with my glasses?
Are they not on your face?
Oh, these? No, sure there's no
glass in these!
I only wear these to look smart!
Why don't you wear your actual
glasses to look smart?
Och, these awful cheap ones?
You mustn't have an eye for fashion,
do you love?
No.
Em, anyway, sorry Em
to disturb you, but it's just
wondering if you had any old
VHS players in the holiday park?
Oh, I think there is one in the
shed we use for storage.
It's a bit of a hike up
the mountain trail, but
I can give you a key if you like.
That'd be great, thanks.
You're very welcome Mr Kelly
but first, a warning
that is not just a mountain
In the olden days,
it was known as a Fairy Fort -
home to the mischievous
fairies of yore,
who'd steal your soul as soon as
they'd look at you.
So, make sure whatever else you do,
you don't stray from
the mountain trail
for fear a fairy might take you off
and take you to the land of Faerie
where they would devour your flesh
and peel the skin off your body
to make it into a coat
Okay, that's plenty warning.
Thank you!
You're very kind bye.
Beware the carnivorous fairies,
who'll eat your eyeballs!
(She laughs)
Come on, it'll take 5 minutes max,
please Katie! Nooo-ah!
I'm recording a make-up tutorial
this afternoon,
I don't have time for babysitting!
All 15 of your followers
will be so heartbroken!
For your information,
I have almost 200 followers
I can go on my own!
No!
You can't! Where's your Dad?
He could take you.
(Quietly) Where d'ya think?
He's still in bed.
Ok fine, I'll bring him.
Thank you.
(Louder) but this is where
my babysitting ends.
I'm not a baby!
Well then, why do you smell like
one?
That's actually a compliment.
(Upbeat music, and sheep bleating)
Will you take some video of me
with the lake in the background?
Wait, hang on!
What?!!
Would it kill you to just
be real for once?
Is that an insult?
If you can't tell, you'll never know.
Is that an insult?
Go on, I'm recording.
(Music continues)
(She sighs exasperatedly)
Let me see!
This is it, is it?
(Music comes to an end)
(Door squeaks open)
Mmm - you're on your own -
there's probably spiders as big as
dogs in there!
(Kevin's footsteps)
(TV static; the video player beeps.)
That's not how it works!
No wonder everyone thinks
you're stupid.
I'm not stupid.
I never said you were.
Give me a shout when you're done.
(The Pooka theme music plays)
(Children cheer)
Hello Pooka!
(Children gasp)
(Children laugh)
Oh no, Pooka,
you'll spoil your appetite before
dinner.
(An audience laughs)
(An stretching upward sound effect
plays, and children cheer.)
Pooka, don't you'll
(Glass smashes. The audience gasp.)
Sally, how could you?
and right before your dinner too!
But I didn't do it.
It was the Pooka.
There's no such thing as a Pooka!
(Strange music plays,
and the audience laughs.)
(Music ends)
(From the laptop) Sorry Mary, you're
breaking up there.
Hello
Hello?
(Laptop) No I can't hear you,
can you hear me? Hi, hello?
Oh, I can hear you now. Gotcha!
Yeah, sorry WiFi’s a bit shaky
today!
So I really think we'll reach
an agreement soon,
we just need to give them
a little more time.
They just want to make sure the
changes are in scope
before they agree.
OK?
OK, thank you.
Thanks. Bye.
(She slams the laptop shut) Ugh!
I, eh, couldn't get time off
for a holiday,
so they think I'm working from home.
Don't worry, your secret's safe
with us.
It's all about the work/life
balance,
am I right?
I'm Priya, this is my husband, Rob.
I'm marketing, he's payroll.
I noticed you and your husband
arriving yesterday -
What work do you do?
I'm Mary, mediation and
my husband is
architecture -
pleasure to meet you!
I love your necklace.
This old thing?
She's being modest - she makes
them in her spare time.
Oh!
It's mostly a hobby, really.
and top 10 best seller on Etsy
last Christmas.
So you're a mediator!
Yeah, yeah. I help companies
resolve conflicts using
positive constructive words
to find win-win solutions.
I like that!
And are you on holiday here?
Yeah, just squeezing in some quality
family time
into our hectic schedules!
Mary, we're very alike.
Your life is not your work.
Your life is what's done after work.
Am I right?
So, it's just an hour of this weird
creature causing trouble
There wasn't even any story.
TV was so random in the olden days!
What would we even talk about?
You don't have to talk.
I'll do the talkin'.
It'll just be an hour or two.
Come on! When was the last time we
had a conversation with grown-ups?
Ok, I'll do it.
Really?
Has anyone seen me watch?
I thought I'd left it here earlier?
No, sorry.
So who's on for family movie
night? I bought popcorn
Sorry Mum, I have to reply to
comments and DMs tonight.
Maybe tomorrow night?
Ah, come on! Life is not work.
Life is what you do after work.
Is this part of my punishment?
(Mum sighs)
(Tense music starts)
(Sudden creaking)
Katie!
(Another creak)
(The door creaks open.)
(The creepy music continues.)
(Wind sounds from outside, Kevin's
footsteps, and random creaking.)
(The music gets louder,
and more scary.)
(Rustling)
(More weird noises,
and sudden rustling)
(The window slides closed)
(The music gets louder suddenly,
and then slowly fades out.)
What?
Did you eat all of our treats
last night?
I didn't do that.
You're such a liar!
I'm not! These were supposed to be
for all of us, and last us all week.
I know that - it wasn't me!
Why does no one in this family
ever believe me?
You don't care about anyone
but yourself do you?
And you're lying now, just like you
lied about
hitting that boy at school!
Katie!
How many times - I didn't do that!
So why'd you get suspended if you
didn't do it? Don't ask me!
You're one to talk! You lie through
your teeth every time
you record another stupid Instagram
video!
pretending to be someone cool
when you're actually just
a sad little loser!
Kevin - that's enough.
Dad
you believe me, don't you?
Ehhh
(Dad struggles, and exhales.)
I've had enough of this crap!
Kevin!
I mean cabbage!
(Door squeaks open, and slams shut.)
He's not even dressed.
He didn't mean what he said.
(Katie tuts and huffs loudly,
slamming the door.)
(Tense music plays)
(Music continues, with birdcalls)
Mr Kelly - glad to see the fairies
didn't get you!
(Dad slurps tea)
Will you go out talk to him?
He's grand!
I just think maybe he's acting up
because you don't spend much
time together these days.
Look
I'm just having a bit of a
hard time at the minute.
How would you feel if you
were fired?
I'm not having a go, but,
this started before they let you go
What're ya talkin' about?
You have to admit,
you're not yourself.
You're sleeping more you barely
spend any time with me or the kids.
Tom, it's OK if you're feeling
depressed.
Depr-- eh (laughs)
Ok. Look. If it's that important to
you,
I'll go out and I'll talk to Kevin,
OK?
Cool.
(Door slams)
He'll come around eventually.
How's it going?
I'm just practising balancing the
sliotar
I'm not very good.
Ah, you'll get it eventually.
Let me show ya I'll show you how
it's done - you watchin'?
Pay attention, alright?
(The sliotar bounces)
There ya go!
Get in there!
I didn't eat all the treats.
I want to believe you but who
else could have done it?
(The sliotar bounces again)
Are Pookas real?
What?
It's from the video I found
They made a TV show about the Pooka,
but maybe it's not just a TV show -
maybe it's real?
Okay It's hard to explain but
maybe I could show you?
Sure.
Great.
Come on! Now? OK. Are you going to
get dressed first?
going around in your pyjamas.
(Gentle, relaxed music)
(Loose rocks rattle as Dad steps
on them)
(Music continues)
The old lady said it was 20
minutes
but really, it’s more like 30,
but it's not so steep so it doesn’t
feel so long
And I know this is just a
TV show and it’s not real, but
(Katie's footsteps as she moves back
and dances)
Ughhh!
Come on Katie, get it together!
(A sudden creaking sound)
Dad?
Kevin?
(Tense music)
(Another rustling noise)
(A cupboard door squeaks open)
Think I saw this one. I used to love
anything with robots in it
Funny - I’ve kind of lost
interest in movies these days.
Hey guys, so I’m on my own
in this janky old cabin
and the cupboard door has just
opened by itself.
Honest to God, this is NOT a set-up!
I’m going to go see
what’s inside the cupboard.
(Music gets louder and
more intense)
(Katie's footsteps)
(Katie's breathing quickens)
(Katie screams)
Ok Dad, watch this.
This is the Pooka.
(Katie sighs)
(Katie laughs)
Ahh, sorry guys!
(laughing)
I could have sworn this was a rat!
I almost died!
(Rustling noise)
(The Pooka's theme tune
plays on the TV)
(Children cheering)
Hello Pooka!
(Mysterious music)
Where's he gone?
Holy cabbage!
(End credit music)