The War at Home s01e01 Episode Script

My dad.
He had no idea how easy he had it.
Back then, if you brought home a paycheck and didn't beat your kids, you were Father of the Year.
The truth is, my generation has no idea how this marriage-and-family thing really works, because there are no rules anymore.
I work, she works.
I'm in charge, she's in charge.
No one's in charge! It's all a big mess.
Who do I blame? Mary Tyler Moore.
She was TV's first career gal, and she filled women with hopes, dreams and aspirations.
Bitch.
Now women get to have it all.
And there's nothing left for us men.
Vicky, we're out of cereal.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I guess I was so busy driving the carpool, going to work and refinishing the dining room table, I totally forgot about your cereal.
Can you ever forgive me? My wife, Vicky.
Don't be fooled by the attitude, we're a team.
And did you check out the rack? Nice, huh? My 13-year-old, Mike.
He wet the bed till he was 11.
on bladder specialists.
We couldn't go on vacation for three years because the kid was too lazy to get out of bed in the middle of the night I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! My daughter, Hillary.
By the way, I only have one simple rule for dating my teenage daughter if she sees your penis, I'll cut it off.
And then there's Larry.
When you're a jet, you're a jet all the way >From your first cigarette to your last dyin' day How would my father have handled this? Oh, yeah.
- Hey, shut up, ho! - You shut up, you loser! You just wait until Dad gets home! You are so dead! Not unless I get to him first! They know you're home from work? - No - How long you think we got? - If we're quiet, maybe 15 minutes.
Hey, what happened to, uh, "Parents that smoke have kids that smoke"? You really want to make an issue out of this, Mr.
Pornography in Your Sock Drawer? 'Cause I'm willing to quit anytime you are.
The truth is, the porn doesn't really bother me.
Frankly, it's one less thing I have to do around here.
Fine.
You know what? Smoke all you want.
But you do know that every cigarette takes, like, a minute off your life? You don't even know what a hymen is! - I know what a skank is! - Give me a drag.
- Here you go.
What a day I had.
Apparently, part of my job as office manager now includes picking up the ice cream cake for Dr.
Green's birthday.
- Really? - Yeah.
And then the dry cleaners lost my good red silk blouse.
You know the one I like with the ruffles? Yeah.
Oh, and I told Larry he could stay over at Kenny's Friday night - Again? - Yeah.
At 15, you don't have sleepovers, okay? Whatever you do with a buddy, you can finish by 10:00.
I'm telling you, he's gay.
You don't know that.
Vicky, when you don't know if someone's gay or not, they're always gay.
He's not gay.
He's a normal kid.
All right, he's not normal.
But he's not gay.
I feel pretty.
Oh, so pretty.
I feel pretty and witty and gay If you think about it, PlayStation is is really less a game and more an educational toy.
Especially the new one.
You mean the $200 one we already said you're not getting? Mom, we can afford it.
Why else do you work at that doctor's office? To get out of the house.
So Larry, how the ladies treating you? - Okay, I guess.
- Yeah? That Lindsay Lohan, she got some nice balloons, huh? Dave I don't know why my father thinks I'm gay.
I'm not.
Really.
In fact, if you know any female that would be willing to have sex with me, pleasehave them call.
Lines are open.
- Dad, I'm not gay.
- What? Who said that you were? I'm just, you know, making conversation here.
But if you were, you know, a gay we-we'd love you no matter what.
Not that you are.
Are you? Yes, I am.
I am a gay.
Kenny isn't my best friend, he's my lover.
So would you prefer that he calls you Dave or Dad? We always told them we had no favorites, butwho's kidding who? This kid isn't even in the running.
He's lying.
Larry's not gay, he's just a freak.
Can we please talk about something else? Okay.
Hillary has a date friday night with some senior named Glen who has his own car.
- Is that true? - No.
He's a freshman.
In college.
Hillary! Are you gonna make a big deal out of this? Okay okay, be firm but understanding.
It's all in the way you say it.
No ( bleep ) way are you going! Why not? Because boys who drive become fathers who drive.
Trust him-- he knows what he's talking about.
But I'm 16! Mom, I bet you dated guys who drove when you were my age Things were different then,honey.
Listen, you're too young to be in a car with some boy that I don't know Guess what, Dad, I can lose my virginity just as easily at 4:00 in the afternoon as I can at midnight.
Oh, good to know.
Your new curfew's 3:30.
The truth is, I'm actually what you'd call a "technical" virgin Could I be sacrificed in a volcano? Yes.
Would I be the first choice to save a village? Probably not.
I hate you! You happy now? You see? This is why I don't like talking to the kids.
Tom's out sick.
Want to hit a movie? I can't.
I got a policy to get together.
Hey, hey, say, Joe, you got a gay kid, right? Yeah.
Why? Larry? Maybe, but we-we're not sure.
Well, it's not an easy thing for a parent to accept.
I even encouraged him to go to one of those "gay to straight" places - Yeah, how'd that work out? - Not so good.
He actually met a guy there.
But he's really nice, and he's a doctor.
They're actually talking about adopting one of those Chinese babies now Dave, are you all right? You hardly ate any dinner.
Yeah.
You know what, let's not have Chinese anymore - Hey, Kenny.
- Hey.
- We're going to his house to watch TV - Okay, honey.
See? Wha-What is that about? Since when do boys watch TV together? They got to do something before they make out.
- Hey, can I talk to you guys? - Of course you can, sweetie.
Well, I just wanted to say that I'm really sorry about the fight that we had the other night And you guys are right.
I'm way too young to go out with Glen.
You know, we're just we're just looking out for you, sweetie Yeah, I know-- I got parents that care about me.
.
it's my cross to bear.
Anyway, there's this new boy from my English class that I kind of like - Is now a good time to meet him? - Sure, yeah, we'd love to meet him - This is Taye.
- Wha'sup? Taye.
Tha-Tha-That's an interesting name.
Yeah, it's short for "Boo-tay.
" Clear! Does she actually think we're going to let her go out with this guy? I'd rather drink my own urine.
Dave, relax.
The last thing you want is to let her see how upset you are - Is there a problem? - Yes! - Is this because Taye's Black? - Yes! I mean-I mean, no! I mean, I don't have a problem with you going out with a Black kid, but this kid's name is Booty? I mean, he didn't get that nickname by being a good study buddy.
Why are you so calm about this? Because I am totally onto her.
It's bait and switch.
The oldest trick in the book.
I pulled the same thing on my parents 20 years ago.
Only they were too stupid to figure it out.
We weren't stupid.
We just didn't care.
Wait, so she thinks that if she brings home this Taye kid, we'll beg her to go out with that car guy instead? Exactly.
Let's call her in here and tell her she's busted.
Whoa, whoa, wait.
I have a better idea.
- How long is this gonna take? - Relax.
My dad's head should be exploding any second.
Bunt cake, Booty? Hey, Joe.
You got a second? Yeah.
Hey, that doctor guy your son is seeing, he's not Black by any chance, is he? No.
Why? Hillary? Are you sure she doesn't like that Taye kid? Yes, Dave.
I'm sure.
- But what if you're wrong? - I'm not wrong.
- But what if you are wrong? - I'm not wrong.
Trust me.
We will never see that kid again.
How you doing, Taye? Nice to see you, Taye.
Taye.
He doesn't seem to be going away, because a big part of going away is not being in my house Well, I guess we were wrong.
She really does like him.
No, no, no, no.
"We were wrong"? No, you, you were wrong.
Why are you so upset? I mean, so Hillary's dating Taye.
What is the big deal? I mean, this is something our parents would be upset about, not us Besides, how big a hypocrite would that make me? I mean, it's not like I've never been with a Black guy before.
I mean, what is the big deal? Whoa.
You have? - What? - Been with a Black guy.
Oh, yeah.
I guess I have.
'Cause you never mentioned that - Didn't I? Oh, I think I would remember.
Well, you know, it was a long time ago.
So, is it, uh, true, you know, what they say about Black men? 'Cause in the locker room, it's not like guys are walking around at full potential Relax.
You are more than enough to satisfy me.
Oh, I know that.
I'm just curious if it's true, you know, what they say? I don't know.
- Some, yes.
Some, no - Oh, excuse me, "some"? Are we talking about a couple, a few? A couple is two.
A few is three or more.
Yeah, yeah, that one Well, which one is it? Is it a couple? A few? Are we talking Million Man March here? Pretty sure it was less than a million Well, well, well.
Apparently you and Hillary have something in common.
I wonder if Larry goes for black guys, too.
I feel pretty, oh, so pretty.
I feel pretty and witty and gay Hey, I'm going to Seth's.
He's boring, but at least he has the new PlayStation.
Isn't that the kid who's mother just had a boob job? I guess.
Oh.
Call me when you need a ride home.
You never heard of a kid being abducted in his own neighborhood? Hey, Mike! Call me.
What are you up to? Nothing.
Taye is coming over, we're going to study.
On a Saturday? Shouldn't you be at the mall with your girlfriends, you know, getting makeovers and stealing stuff? You know, you only have 712 more days until you're off to college You know exactly how long I have left, till I go to college? Of course not.
I'm just saying Look, forget it.
Just make sure when Taye gets here, you study with the door open.
- What are you two up to? - Nothing.
Just hanging out.
Well, just make sure you hang out with the door open.
And nothing actuallyhangs out.
Come on, you ready to go to lunch? I don't think we should go anywhere.
There's too much going on.
There's too many open doors Come on, let's go.
We can fool around in the car on the way home.
All right! Your mother and I are going out! We might be gone for five minutes or five hours! You never know.
Five hours? Who you kidding? It's happened.
This is so cool.
I can't believe we're jacking your mom's car.
- Kenny, you have to sit in the back - Why? Because I don't have my license? If anyone sees me driving, they have to think I'm my mom.
Oh, they will.
It's actually kind of scary how lady-like you look.
Don't worry.
As soon as we get close to the girls' house, I'll lose the wig.
I can't wait until Diane and her friends see me driving.
With any luck, I'll be driving up a virgin and driving home a well-oiled sex machine.
Or a virgin who stole his mom's car and got thrown in jail and then became a well-oiled sex machine.
I can't believe we got all the way to Diane's house, and you forgot to take off your mom's blouse Well, at least the girls know who I am now.
I'd rather they not know who I am than be the guy who wears his mom's clothes.
Hey, you want to come over? I just got the new Kelly Clarkson CD.
You are so gay sometimes.
He was just kidding, right? He doesn't know.
Does he? Hey, there, Dad.
All right, look.
I know that you said you wouldn't get me the PlayStation For the last time, you're not getting the stupid video game! Oh, I think I am.
- Just calm down.
We'll deal with this - You'll deal with this.
I was freaked out enough when I thought he was gay.
Now he's a transvestite? I already have a cute daughter.
What the hell do I need him for? Not everyone feels comfortable in their own skin.
Do you think you might be one of those people? Uh I don't know.
You know how the brain sends messages to the body, right? Well, sometimes those messages get mixed up and - Are you a drag queen? - What? What are you talking about? Honey, your brother saw you dressed up.
Okay, what are my options here? If I admit I stole the car, I'll be grounded for a year, and they'll never let me get my license.
But the alternative is for them to think I'm a cross-dresser.
Silk feels really good sometimes.
No, no, no, no, no, please, please.
Just-just let-let me go this time Go.
Go.
Are you Hillary's father? Oh, God, please don't tell me you're here to take her to the movies I'm Omar.
Taye's father.
Oh wha'sup? I got a call from the school yesterday.
Apparently, your daughter has been doing my son's homework for him To make matters worse, he had an "A" average before.
Now he's getting "B" minuses.
Wait, why would she be doing his homework for him? According to Taye, so he'd hang out with her and drive you crazy.
Oh, wait, so she's not really dating him? - No, she's just using him.
- Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Oh, well, that's just wrong.
I'm going to have a little talk with her about that.
- Omar? - Vicky! It was nothing.
I met him at a PTA meeting.
So you don't find him attractive? God, no.
Don't worry, Dave, we're gonna get through this.
You know the deal.
If we get those kids off to college without a drug problem or a kid of their own, we've done our job.
Yeah, it's a low bar, but we're sticking to it.
Sure, Larry's gonna cost us a fortune in therapy, but he's basically a good kid - Yeah, I know.
No matter what, he's still my son.
Slash daughter.
And at least Hillary's not really dating that Taye guy, right? I mean, that's good thing, right? Well, if you think it's good that she's lying, manipulating us and using this kid, then, yeah, it's great.
You know what? I'm gonna talk to her tomorrow.
No, no, no, no, no.
You're not going to say a word.
- Why not? - Think about it.
She thinks she has us by the balls? Good.
Let her.
As long as she's hanging out with a guy she doesn't like, she's not involved with any guy she actually does like I have a very smart husband.
That's what I've been trying to tell you.
Come here.