The Watch (2020) s01e01 Episode Script

1
- WOMAN: Is this heaven?
- MAN: It's hell.
(VOICES CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING CONTINUES)
DEATH: (SHOUTING)
I am with someone!
MAN: Sorry.
Oh. They're an absolute
nightmare today.
Is this death?
(CHUCKLES) Obviously.
How did I
How did I get here?
Watch, Sam Vimes, watch.
MAN: Stop, citizen.
Sam, what are you
doing here?
It's just a patrol.
You know him?
- You said only the captain.
- You said you'd do it.
What's the matter with you?
You've been in there a month.
As long as people that
are dead have all the power,
we stay in the gutter.
You made a promise.
Keep it.
Get our brothers and sisters
out of there.
Finish off Keel.
VIMES: Do I have to watch
all this again?
DEATH: Actually, you do.
What happened to
Sergeant Swires?
Carcer Dun.
Got your whole gang
locked up.
Not my whole gang.
One of them works for you.
Is that why you joined up?
- Do it, Sam.
- Don't listen, Sam.
- Come home.
- He is home.
Who saved you
from the streets?
Kept you alive.
The Watch is
just another gang.
See, that's where
you're wrong, Sam.
The Watch is hope, justice.
(SCOFFS)
It could save this city
as could Sam.
In 20 years' time,
he'll become a captain.
An inspiration.
A symbol of good.
You
have the right
to remain silent.
Where were we with this?
DEATH: Are you
paying attention, Vimes?
URDO VAN PEW: Help! Help me!
The kid's insane.
DEATH: I told you to watch.
I'm gonna piss on you.
CARROT: Oi, stop
that thief, mate.
VIMES: Just hold it
right there.
Hey, hey! Stop him!
VIMES: Sergeant Detritus.
Captain, where is your suspect?
He got away.
Again.
We'll get him next time.
Let's go get pissed.
Hey, stop! Thief!
(GRUNTS)
You're dead,
you know that? Dead.
What is wrong with you?
I'm Constable Carrot Ironfoundersson.
Just transferred in from
the Copper Red mountains.
Stop struggling.
We'll be at
The Watch House, soon.
- We're going to The Watch House?
- Is that okay with you?
- (LAUGHING)
- All right. Laugh it up.
See if it's so funny in a few years
when you're doing hard time in there.
Welcome to the home of Ankh-Morpork's
finest crime fighters.
You get anything other than fresh air
and flowers in the mountains?
Like, news maybe?
(WALK LIKE AN EGYPTIAN
BY THE BANGLES PLAYS)
Wow.
There's more pigeons
than police in here.
ANGUA: It's the ring of Vulgaris.
Only find that blossom in the mountains.
You're late, Constable.
Corporal Angua.
Got a detective on our hands.
I caught this bag snatcher.
I'll take him down to the cells.
A punishment for laying his hands on me.
- His death.
- What?
I wanna watch the execution.
Am I missing something?
Don't forget your swag.
Vetinari will hear of this.
(BOLT FIRES)
He's head of the Thieves' Guild.
But he stole
in broad daylight.
They're allowed to steal.
Welcome to Ankh-Morpork.
What exactly do we do here?
MAN: My Lord, he's here.
And I'm afraid he's brought his troll.
VIMES: Look, go easy on
the floor tiles, Sarge.
Don't worry.
I've lost weight since the last time.
Yes, that's quite far enough,
Sergeant Detritus.
I'm sorry to interrupt your
very important work, Vimes.
But perhaps you could
explain to me
why the head of
the Thieves' Guild
said he was arrested
for stealing.
Uh, mistakes are a mistake.
VETINARI: No, the allegation
was very clear.
Constable Ironfoundersson.
Ah, well,
there you go, sir.
No one of that name
in The Watch.
- So we'll go about my duties.
- Captain. Captain.
The new boy. The dwarf.
Oh.
Come here, Vimes.
DETRITUS: Go on.
- Your
- Hmm?
Oh. Sorry.
- A moment.
- I know you feel your status
couldn't get any lower
in this city after the growth
of the guilds.
And that you have
(SCOFFS, GRUNTS)
catastrophic low self-esteem.
- (ZIPPER CLOSING)
- (SIGHS SOFTLY)
But I want you to marshal
all the resources at your disposal.
The Librarian from Unseen University
has reported that a book has
been stolen from his shelves.
He says that it's very red.
Popular title, sir.
The colour, Vimes.
Red scalehide.
So, uh, you want me to use
all the resources
at my disposal
to find a library book?
This is very serious, Vimes.
A Librarian's happiness
is at stake.
And he insists that
it was stolen, not lost.
Well, I'll I'll
give it all I've got, sir.
Send for the stonemason,
would you?
The troll has wrecked
my floor again.
VIMES: Let's go.
DETRITUS: Uh-huh. Got you.
ANGUA: Eyes down, ears on me.
- Constable
- Carrot.
My name's not
because of my hair, you know.
My body shape tapers
down from my shoulders.
What I'll tell you is more interesting
and it'll keep you alive.
Twenty years back,
there was a massive crime wave.
Gangs running so wild,
The Watch couldn't keep up.
So Vetinari brought
the ancient guilds
out of the shadows and legalised them.
Figured if crime's gonna be so normal,
might as well organise it yourself.
You want to steal,
join the Thieves' Guild.
Need somebody killed,
go to the Assassins' Guild.
Where I'm from, that's murder.
Here they call it information.
Even leave a receipt.
As long as everyone keeps
within their quotas,
crime stays lower than it's ever been.
And The Watch?
They'll have to work twice
as hard to cut crime.
All the guild's
got to do is
Work less.
Breed them smart in the mountains.
Bet no dwarf criminal saw
the sun when you were around.
Well, actually, I'm a dwarf.
Also not a dwarf.
I was adopted,
but I've got the best deduction
rate of anyone in my unit.
- 23 colours.
- I'm sure.
Well, also not.
You won't be taking anyone down here.
It's a good gig for laying low.
I didn't come here
to lay low.
I came here because
Captain Sam Vimes personally
requested my presence.
Really? All the way
from the mountains?
The blossom.
It took me five days to
hike down here from home.
How come you can
still smell it on me?
(GLASS SHATTERS)
Are bar fights illegal?
Depends who's fighting. Hey!
(SIGHS) Really?
(GRUNTING)
MAN: Let's go. Come on,
let's get out of here.
VIMES: Angua!
Say this for
the new boy, Captain.
Taking a long time to get
himself killed in there.
You're coming with me,
drug-dealing scum.
What are you doing, Constable?
You're Captain Vimes?
But you were trying to
urinate on that dog.
Pissed on another dog, sir?
It was pissing
on me first, Angua.
(HUSHED) We're really gonna
nail that wee bastard.
Uh-huh.
This man was carrying
a large supply
of the narcotic I believe you call Slab.
He freely admits to it.
And to the trafficking of the drug.
Wait.
This too?
Hong. Alchemist Guild. 12:42.
You gonna execute him?
Sir, his dispute with
another Alchemist
has led to public disorder
and damage.
Surely both within
our jurisdiction.
VIMES: I think on this occasion
we can forget
about the disorder
and the damage.
Vetinari's gonna
destroy The Watch for this.
I don't like it either, kid,
but I don't make the rules.
CARROT: Rules?
With all due respect, Captain,
none of this makes sense.
No one said
anything to me about
(INAUDIBLE)
DEATH: Watch,
Sam Vimes, watch.
Watch closely, now.
YOUNG VIMES: Carcer Dun
I'm arresting you.
You have the right to remain silent.
Okay. We can solve this.
Yeah, it's all right.
CARCER: How could you
do this to us?
VIMES: Where'd you go?
KEEL: Sam knows that this
is his second chance
and he won't throw it away.
- No!
- (KEEL GRUNTS)
YOUNG VIMES:
What have you done?
CARCER: What have you done?
- (GROANS)
- Captain. Captain.
(GROANS) You're the captain now.
YOUNG VIMES: You
have the right to remain
Oh, this is gonna hurt.
YOUNG VIMES:silent.
- (GASPS)
- poison in him.
- It's not poison.
- CHEERY: Actually, it is poison.
- (VIMES WHEEZING)
- But good poison.
Klatchian coffee.
It'll sober you up
quicker than anything.
- I've gone blind.
- Only temporarily.
No, wait,
I'm having a vision.
See?
Stars, the universe
So many worlds.
- Is he supposed to be
- He's totally fine.
(SCREAMS)
That's only happened once before.
Must have gotten
the wrong concentration.
It's driven him back through sobriety
and out the other side
where no mind should go.
This will help him out.
Hey, Captain.
Captain Captain.
(COUGHS, INHALES SHARPLY)
Oh, you need another sip.
Otherwise you'll start seeing
that pixie in the corner of your eye.
His name's Trevor.
He cannot be reasoned with.
Cheery's our forensic officer.
Nothing she doesn't know about
potions and powders.
- She?
- She.
Me.
Oh. (BURPS)
Well (GRUNTS)
Morning, team.
From Vetinari. We are to use
every resource at our disposal.
I can look at that, sir.
Are you wearing
sandals, Constable?
Get downstairs and get yourself
a pair of boots, boy.
A library book.
You heard your captain.
Your liver is
gonna leave you
if you keep on
treating her like this.
You believe in ghosts, Cheery?
Only those two goth ghosts
that keep following me around,
staring at me from the balcony
on Thursdays.
Want me to join their band.
They won't take no
for an answer.
Earlier on, I, I thought I
No, I know. I saw the man
who did this.
Carcer Dun is dead, Captain.
No, he was standing
right in front of me.
- Sir
- Like you are now.
- He can't have been.
- I should have arrested him.
Maybe this is
your second chance.
If you're so sure,
prove it.
You're a cop.
Find him.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
CARROT: Hold it right there.
Constable Carrot Ironfoundersson
of City Watch.
Oh, yeah? Where you going
in such a hurry?
(CLEARS THROAT)
Good evening, Mrs Gob Swallow.
I Oh.
You're under arrest.
Stop or I will
You! I know it was you.
You stole it, didn't you?
You're stole the library
The library book.
Pathetic.
FEMALE: VOICE: I thought
you were very commanding.
What?
Did you see all of that?
That's a great arse.
Another one.
Found that book yet?
No, I haven't found it
because weirdly
nobody cares about
a stolen library book
around here.
I've been looking through
your paperwork.
And all any of you have done
in a city full of
thieves and killers
is shoot a bunch of innocent
pigeons and chase a dog.
Bad dog.
I don't think it's gonna
work out for me here.
By the way,
whatever monster
you've been keeping
in cell 19 is out.
(GRUNTING) No monster.
Hey, take it easy, Sarge.
It's okay.
I'm giving Captain Vimes my resignation
and I'm going home.
You won't find him.
He'll be asleep in some
gutter by now.
My turn.
Huh?
Sorry.
- Who's that?
- I'm Sam Vimes from the City Watch.
Piss off, I'm painting.
I order you to
give me that slide.
I'll bite your finger.
Who do you think you are?
Watch, my arse.
How dare you interrupt an artist.
CARCER: Who saved you?
Kept you alive?
The Watch has just never cared.
YOUNG VIMES: Carcer, stop.
There's nowhere to go.
CARCER: Nowhere for
you to go either, Sam.
WOMAN: (OVER PA) Unseen University
warns all citizens
to keep away from the sewers.
A creature
has escaped his lab
Oh. Where are you two going?
Keep away from the sewers.
Keep away
I always thought
we were brothers.
(CARCER SCREAMS)
Told you.
I'll leave him a note
and you'll never
have to see me again.
It's father's handwriting.
Why would he be sending
the captain a letter?
Yeah, we shouldn't be in here.
"He's a good kid,
but he's grown so big.
"The other day
he hit his head on a hoist
"and nearly brought down
the entire mineshaft.
"People are scared.
"I'm scared."
That hoist was way too low.
The shortest dwarf
Why don't you
join us downstairs?
"We think he'll be safer
if he's in the big City Watch.
"So will we."
Captain didn't ask for me.
Did he?
My father wanted rid.
That's who Sam Vimes is.
Helps people who
have nowhere else to go.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(SPEAKING ALIEN LANGUAGE)
VIMES: Never trust
an alchemist.
(GROANING)
DETRITUS: Carrot, why did you
become a cop?
I always thought
I was just
a large dwarf.
Special.
When I was 16, my parents came
and sat on my lap
and told me that my height and width
wasn't down to good nutrition.
I was just human.
Someone threw me
down a mineshaft.
Like I was nothing.
I landed on the woman
who'd go on to become my dwarf mother.
Now, who does that?
Now, who throws a baby
down a mountain mine
at a dwarf?
So you became a cop to stop people
from throwing babies at dwarves?
(ALL LAUGHING)
CHEERY: At least you were accepted
in your mine.
Buried all us kids
under beards.
First thing I did
when I got here was shave.
Were you adopted as well?
You seem very tall
for a dwarf.
We come in all sizes
down there.
What about you, Sarge?
Why did you join The Watch?
Why did you have to go
and save me? Huh?
ANGUA: He doesn't like
to talk about it.
But I'll show you why I'm here.
You asked how I could still pick up
that blossom scent after five days.
I'll look after anything she can
hurt herself with after she turns.
Turns?
You're a werewolf.
Didn't I say we've got
a detective on our hands?
(CHUCKLING)
Why don't you just
keep the light out?
Stay like this?
Because I'm not just this.
Like you're not just a human.
Most humans would have run
by now or tried to kill me.
Sarge?
Shame. No monster.
(ANGUA GRUNTING)
(VOICE DISTORTING)
(SNORTS)
(METAL CLANGS)
MAN: Here she comes.
(STRAINS)
Whoo!
Well
I hope you're better behaved
than he is today.
Excuse me.
We raise hands
if you want to speak.
- You
- Hands.
- Uh
- Hand?
- You
- Raise your hand. Hand?
Raise your hand.
- Yes.
- You're on fire.
Oh. So I am.
He always gets like that
when I try to worm him.
Good morning, class.
ALL: (WEAKLY)
Good morning, ma'am.
Who here would like to explain
to our new classmate
what these sessions
are all about?
Anyone?
No?
All right, I'll do it.
I brought you here because
you've been brainwashed
into believing that crime
is a legitimate profession.
But I am here to save you
from this delusion.
- Um
- Hand.
Oh.
Yes.
I'm not a criminal.
Good. You're not a criminal.
You're a victim.
Of a system designed
to make things better
but actually only perpetuates
No, no, no. I'm
I'm really not a criminal.
I'm not even a member
of a guild.
I haven't done anything wrong.
I'm
Captain Vimes
of The Watch.
- The Watch?
- Mmm-hmm.
You're interfering
with an official investigation.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
Into what?
Tell us, I'm sure we'd all
love to hear it.
Yes.
It's, uh,
classified information.
Are you investigating the fact
that our streets
are crawling with assassins
who not only murder with impunity
but with professional pride?
Meanwhile
everybody just carries on.
- Going to work
- (STRAINING)
eating, sleeping,
not running around in
a constant state of panic,
wondering how
everyone around you can just carry on
without ripping
their tongues out
and strangling each other
at the state of it all.
So
Mr Police Officer,
I'll make it easy for you.
You have ten seconds to tell me
or I'll feed you to Goodboy.
Goodboy?
Ten seconds.
- Can I just
- Shh!
- But
- Shh!
Quiet. Some old clients
are trying to recruit a new band member.
I've told you.
I'm not interested.
Ghosts again?
It's harassment.
What's that?
Clack machine.
Today's cases.
Tree stuck up a cat,
witch being sarcastic,
sewer monster
eating another street.
- So you think this shows
- Carcer Dun.
who's come back from the dead
after 20 years,
hasn't aged a day
and is now stockpiling Slab.
After double crossing
and murdering an alchemist.
Also crushing an imp.
- An imp?
- Hmm.
I don't think
I introduced myself.
My name is Lady Sybil Ramkin.
Is this absolutely necessary?
I'm afraid it is.
(GRUNTS)
I'm warning you.
I might not be in the best shape
but I will hit a woman.
You're in appalling shape.
You need help.
- Me?
- No meat on the rump.
Barely any length of bone.
Taking on the guilds
Your vigilante act is the most
deranged thing I've ever seen.
Bet you haven't been
wormed in years.
You're a terrorist.
You know
I suppose I am.
What happened to you?
What happened to you?
(KNOCKING)
Sarge?
So, a public drinking
fountain's been blocked.
They can all drink
somewhere else, can't they?
It's blocked because
there's a dead body in it.
- Drowned.
- What, after their throat was cut?
Then it's an inhumation.
There's no mention
of a receipt.
If it was the Assassins' Guild,
wouldn't there be one?
Says here the body
was found in Sator Square.
There you go. Suicide.
Anyone walking alone around there
is committing suicide.
Then I'll be
committing suicide.
Stop right there, Constable.
Your buttons are all
over the place.
This
Angua, this is a murder.
It's time
we stopped watching.
Go get the others.
Why are you
trying to change people?
I don't want to be changed.
Everyone is so busy
just surviving this place,
they never stop to think about
what's wrong with it.
What happens when they do?
I run them to the edge
of the city and shoo them off.
Well, you're not worming me.
Not ever.
We'll see about that.
Locked.
I think this
is where Carcer is
You're boring me.
Out of the way.
No one here.
30 kids used to sleep in here.
Carcer was kinder to me
than this city ever was.
And how did they repay him?
CARCER: Arrest me, then!
Come on, arrest me!
What are you waiting for?
Out!
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)
(BOTH GRUNTING, COUGHING)
- "Arrest me"?
- Carcer
killed Captain Keel.
It should have been
my first arrest.
But he died before I
So someone's messing with you.
I know what I saw.
Oh, yes.
Oh, there's no point growing it
when Goodboy insists
on burning it off at the slightest sign
of a syringe.
Goodboy?
The thing you keep
in your basement?
Lady Ramkin?
You were right.
I really do need your help.
Throat's the city's
best snitch.
But her information
doesn't come cheap.
This is a family heirloom.
Better be worth it, Vimes.
This alchemist turned up
dead yesterday.
We're trying to find
whoever's with him in the slide.
Sorry, Captain.
No idea.
A murdered guild member.
I think he's illegally
stockpiling Slab.
We never touch that stuff.
You know what the guild
would do to freelancers like me
if we so much as breathe
on their turf?
I hear that mime artist is
back in Catmere Street.
Smearing his bits up and down
the shop windows, frightening kids.
- Filth.
- SYBIL: Vimes.
Aren't The Watch more concerned
with noisy neighbours
and dog shit these days?
Slab?
Personal supply.
Very personal.
"Never touch that stuff."
My bitches will make it quick.
Make it quick, bitches.
We've got business
to be getting on with.
Let me guess. You are unarmed.
Mimes just mime it.
Goodboy bit a mime once.
Man didn't make a sound,
but his expression
(SCREECHES)
That's Goodboy?
I thought you'd got some
monster locked up.
(SCREAMING)
SYBIL: Come on.
Piss off, then.
- (SCREAMING)
- (WATER SPLASHING)
They'll just
They'll just be a bit singed.
(SCREAMING)
(GOODBOY ROARING)
It's over.
I think.
You know he had six kids,
don't ya?
SYBIL: And the other one?
Did a lot of charity work.
Those dragons
are meant to be
Lighting our city while they suffocate
on their own fumes?
He spent the first year of his life
enslaved in a streetlamp.
I think it stunted his growth.
- Projectile weapons are against the law.
- The law!
Which also prohibits
the ownership of magical
Necklace and answers.
Now, please.
There's somebody new in town.
Buying up every last
bit of Slab.
His crew are stopping by
any minute
to collect it all.
Now piss off. You're not
gonna arrest me, are you?
- (MUFFLED YELLING)
- SYBIL: In you go.
Just put the brake
on for you.
(MUFFLED YELLING CONTINUES)
Vimes! Let's hide.
Your foot's sticking out.
We're supposed to be hiding.
Better?
ANGUA: Bundel Prong.
Head of the Alchemist Guild.
I think he might be dead.
There's no receipt.
They're the two alchemists
from the bar fight yesterday.
I mean, it has to be connected.
We need to get some twine around this.
Huh?
Stop the scene from being disturbed.
You know, preserve evidence?
Never mind.
Locals aren't used
to seeing us around,
so make it fast, Cheery.
Hey, this is the first job I've had
that doesn't involve picking up litter.
I want to savour it.
ANGUA: Don't savour it
too long. Hurry up.
(GASPS) Yeah.
That is a fingerprint.
Fingerprint? What's a fingerprint?
If Carcer wasn't your
first arrest, who was?
A troll.
He was seeing out his days
propping up a bridge when
I came across him.
It was dark.
Mind was in a bad place.
Well, I
fell off the bridge.
He pulled me out
of the water.
Bridge collapsed.
I was furious.
Didn't want to be saved.
It was only later I realised
we'd both saved each other.
So I gave him a job.
Sometimes I wonder if Sergeant Detritus
wasn't better off
propping up that old bridge.
(SPEAKING ALIEN LANGUAGE)
Sometimes I could swear
there's more going on
beneath those helmets than people think.
They're coming.
CHEERY: Wouldn't hold
out hope of a match.
The Watch stopped bothering
to take prints years ago.
But let's see.
DETRITUS: Oh, that's
a fingerprint!
SYBIL: That's a lot of Slab.
(DINGING)
Match.
VIMES: It can't be.
CARCER: Arrest me.
Sam!
Come on, arrest me!
CHEERY: You asked
why we became cops?
This is the captain's reason.
His best friend.
They were in the same gang.
CARCER: Just gonna
stand and watch then?
Come on then! Arrest me!
Sam! What are you waiting for?
SYBIL: Vimes,
someone's coming.
VIMES: What's that
they're carrying?
SYBIL: Whatever it is,
they've left it behind.
Vimes, should we call
Is "backup" the term you use?
Yeah, but there's
no clacks here.
SYBIL: If that is Carcer,
then who's doing business with a ghost?
I guess
it's up to Goodboy then.
Be safe, Goodboy.
- Ready?
- Yeah.
(VIMES PANTING)
SYBIL: You breathe
like an old lady.
Red Scalehide.
I know this book.
SYBIL: Noble dragon?
Nobody's seen one
of these in centuries.
All this Slab for a little library book
about dead dragons.
CARCER: Don't underestimate
little things.
A book
can burn the world.
Carcer?
Friend who let you fall.
VIMES: You look
exactly the same.
Impossible.
A rat can become a captain.
He brought you along,
Lady Ramkin.
- Good.
- You know me?
Still letting other people do
the ugly stuff for you, Sam?
The hard stuff?
Why are you here?
For that book?
How are you even here?
It's my time now, Sam.
You should have arrested me.
- VIMES: No!
- (GASPS)
DEATH: Enjoy all that?
It was a little expository
in the middle there,
but it picked up, didn't it?
So this is the end?
Actually, it is only
the beginning.