The Windsors (2016) s01e01 Episode Script
Episode 1
1 Wills and Kate most popular Royals ever.
This is getting out of hand.
If we're not careful, the great British scum is going to want to skip a generation! Nonsense, Camilla.
When I meet the people, they love me.
Why else would all those children keep giving you flowers? Because they're getting a day off school, you idiot! Well, I think they love me.
And anyway, the line's very clear -- first me, then William, but me first.
The sheep don't care about that.
They'll have us out faster than a homophobic Big Brother contestant.
And then everything I've been through, the walkabouts, the smiling, the talking to Joe Pasquale at the Royal Variety Show, it'll all have been for nothing! Will you look at me when I'm talking to you? Camilla, how can I sell my Cornish biscuits as organic now they've been on the carpet? Nobody will give a fuck about your Cornish biscuits, if you're not going to be king.
Of course they will, they're delicious, nutritious and all the biscuity profits go to charity.
There wouldn't be any profits if people knew they were made by seven-year-old orphans with Ricketts.
What happens in the Duchy of Cornwall, stays in the Duchy of Cornwall.
Where are the Garibaldis? Ah! Christ! That was tremendous, Kate.
- Are you all right? - Oh, it's nothing, Wills.
It's just, well, sometimes I feel like I don't belong in this family.
What are you talking about? - Marrying you was the best decision I ever made.
- Even though I'm a gypsy? Because you're a gypsy.
But are you sure your family are all right with it? They're thrilled.
Although, personally, I do wish you didn't bring back quite so many dumped white goods.
That's 12 quid's worth of copper in there.
Oh, is that the time? I need to be at the caff.
I'm mingling amongst my subjects to find out what they truly want.
- And what do they want? - Usually double egg and chips.
If I must be King, I'm determined to be the best one I can be.
And you will be.
I just wish there were a role for me.
But what you do is vital.
Bringing up children.
You could help Harry with his upcoming fancy dress, charity ball.
You'll be invaluable to him, what with being able to read and write.
Oh, that's a great idea.
Hey, don't you have to be at the caff? I'm allowed three verbal warnings, and I've only had two.
I'm just saying, I think the Royal family are a complete waste of money.
No, hang on a minute there, Alec, I think they do a very good job.
They bring in £500 million a year, just from tourism alone.
I think they're tremendous value for money.
Well, I suppose you're right.
Hey, Billy.
You clean bog now.
It's the London air ambulance.
We had to make a crash landing.
One of the crew has Munchausen syndrome by proxy.
- But isn't that where you harm other people? - Yes, he poisoned the pilot.
But we can still make it if someone can fly a helicopter.
'I can fly a helicopter.
'But if I make myself known, I'll blow my cover.
' Quickly! We've got a patient who's seriously ill, also with Munchausen syndrome by proxy.
Won't he be all right, then? He'll be the one poisoning other people.
Sorry, it's not by proxy, he's just got Munchausen syndrome.
- Gotcha.
- That makes sense.
Billy! I said bog now.
Is big shit in bog.
It's no flush.
I can fly a helicopter.
You? But you're just a bloke who works in a caff! How can you fly a helicopter? Because I am Prince William.
Second in line to the throne.
Husband to a gypsy.
Closely related to Kaiser Wilhelm of Germany, who started World War I.
Billy, what we do about shit? Now, where are the keys? My liege.
Thanks.
Pippa! - How great to see you.
- Hiya, you look fantastic.
Ooh, I couldn't have some money, could I? Pippa, what happened to the £400,000 you got for your party planning book? - I spent it.
- What on? Getting fucked up.
So - I'm sorry, but no.
- What? - You've got to learn to stand on your own two feet.
- Like you did? Parading around in your pants at a university fashion show, until the future King of England proposes? You weren't there.
It was nothing like that.
Oh, fuck off, it was in a book.
So are you going to give me some money, or not? All right.
But I'm afraid all I can spare is £5,000.
That won't even buy lunch.
Why don't you sell one of these paintings? Pippa, we don't own these paintings.
We're merely custodians of them for the public.
But they don't get to see them very often, do they? You really think you're it, don't you? Well, I remember when you were fighting Rottweilers - in Morrison's car park.
- So do I.
246 fights, 246 knockouts.
See, I'm proud of being a gypsy.
Well, I'm not.
I tarmacked my last drive the day I walked up the steps of Westminster Abbey and the world finally woke up to the fact I've got a fantastic arse.
It's true, you do have a fantastic arse.
But all you do is sit on it.
I just wish you had what I have.
We can't all go off and marry a prince, can we? You're right.
I'm sorry.
- I went too far.
- I'm sorry too.
Hug? And it is time I got on with some real work.
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Incoming! That was awesome.
Right, so where's this airfix model of a Lancaster bomber you've made, then? I've got a little confession to make, Harry.
I didn't make an airfix model of a Lancaster bomber.
Oh.
Oh! - Have I been very naughty? - No.
But, er this, it has to be a one-off.
Oh, really? Why? Because I'm still in love with Cressida.
But that's Chelsea.
Is it? Well, one of them, anyway.
OK.
We'll have to see about that, won't we? That is a fantastic arse.
Oh, my God.
If only I could read! That was a blinding lobster Thermidor, Beatrice.
A bit pricey, though.
And we've had another rent demand.
I can't believe the government's made us start paying rent for our Chelsea penthouse when we do so much for the country.
Yeah, that is a big chunk of wedge we're going to have to find from somewhere.
Eugenie we're going to have to get jobs.
Is that like when Daddy has a party for Arabs and British businessmen? No.
I think a job is where you have to go into a building, or something.
- Oh.
- Hey, we could work for ourselves.
- Ooh, I like it, but doing what? - Well, what are our skills? I wear make-up.
I have an iPhone.
We could become online make-up tip girl sensations.
- I fucking love that idea.
- And we'll make it on our own, without using any royal associations whatsoever.
Let's launch it at Harry's ball at Buckingham Palace.
Bangies! Oh, Kate, you're an absolute life-saver.
Oh, honestly, it's you doing me a favour by helping me find a role.
So, where are we? Oh, I was just doing the seating plan.
- Hmm.
- Oh, yeah, I got distracted when an aeroplane flew over and I tried to draw it.
But aeroplanes are always flying over.
I know.
So, what's this ball in aid of? I don't know.
- And when is it? - Don't know.
Ah! Friday.
- We'd better get stuck in.
- Ah, got you.
Mummy! Hello, girls.
You're in a good mood.
Oh, my God.
This hasn't happened in yonks -- just got recognised.
- Oh, brilliant.
- Yeah! I mean, they thought I was Mick Hucknall, but you know, it's close enough.
Have you heard about Harry's fancy dress ball? Yeah, it's going to be amaze! I mean, I'd love to go, but Prince Philip's ordered MI6 to assassinate me if I go within five miles of a palace.
Don't worry, Mummy, we'll get you in.
Oh, thanks, girls.
I mean, I hate to ask, but I do miss the old days, you know, dancing till dawn, everything free.
Whereas, in the Wetherspoons, it's £2.
50 a pint and chucking out at 11.
No, no, table 5.
Oh! (I owe Paolo money.
) (Last time I was here, I did a runner.
) Oh.
Poor Mummy.
Yes, I've been made a patron of the BFI.
I mean, I always thought I knew a lot about film, but this proves it.
Now then, Kate, a little bird tells me that you're helping Harry with the fancy dress ball.
Yes.
It's terribly hard work, but tremendously fulfilling.
It's silly, but at last I feel like - Go on, dear.
- .
.
I belong.
I'm so sorry.
Something went down the wrong hole.
As per last night, for which I apologise.
Is there anything I can do to help? I mean, no-one would expect a girl of your upbringing to know, for instance, that fish is served with white wine, rather than Diamond White.
I judge people by the content of their character, not by the alcohol content of their cider.
Oh, I've offended you.
I'm so sorry, I had no intention.
And I can see that you too like Diamond White, ultra-strong.
Sorry I'm late, but I've had the most incredible day.
Looks like someone sold a lot of pies.
No, I've come to a decision.
I want to be a pilot again.
What? Like a common tradesman? This isn't the Dutch Royal Family, this is the real thing.
I just want to help people.
Then do it by doing what you've been trained to do -- waving.
What was the point in learning to fly a helicopter if I'm forbidden from doing it? So you could wear a uniform at your wedding.
It's not enough for me, Father.
From now on, the only time you're allowed in a helicopter is when you're going to an exclusive Caribbean island or Stephen Fry's birthday party.
- But my mind is made up.
- And so is mine! - How was the caff? - Terrible.
All I want to do is fly helicopters, but, instead, - I spent all day explaining why I've got a dead rat in the sink.
- Oh! So, aren't you going to get ready? - Hmm? - Wills, have you forgotten what tonight is? No.
Happy Michaelmas.
- It's our date night.
- Oh Yeah, can we skip it? Wills, I've been working hard too, you know, trying to book a band for Harry's ball, but none of the trendy ones want to be associated with the Royal family.
Ed Sheeran told me to go and fuck myself.
At the moment, all I have is Ronan Keating.
Oh, darling, I'm so sorry.
Oh, there's the baby-sitter.
I'm not sure I even want to go out now.
Perhaps I'll tell him to go.
- No, we could both do with a night out.
- Thanks.
Hang on, "him"? Thanks so much for this.
Uncle Edward, why are you baby-sitting? I won't lie, Wills, - I'm in the soup.
- What's happened? Any chance of a drink first? I'm not sure, you know, if you're looking after the children.
Yes, quite right.
- Just out of curiosity, where would you keep it? - Uncle Edward! You know how I live for show business? Well, I recently bought the rights to Oliver Twist and turned it into a musical.
But that's been done, it was called Oliver.
Well, I know that now.
But when I went back to the pub, the man had gone.
Anyway, long story short, I need to find £6 million fast.
We only pay £5 an hour.
That's all right.
I'm going to stuff envelopes while I'm here.
Look, I've even got a business plan.
Just a second, Uncle Edward.
Darling, are you sure about this? Uncle Edward is a nice bloke and everything, but come on.
George and Charlotte aren't just our babies, they are the people's babies.
But everyone deserves a second chance.
You and your gypsy code.
OK, Uncle Edward, you're on.
Oh, right, right, off you go then, have a good time.
And don't worry, we'll be fine.
Someone was asking me today if, by some miracle, we had a child, where it would stand in the line of succession.
And I had no idea.
Well, it's a bit unlikely, isn't it, darling? You haven't had a period since Wham! split up! You are funny.
Yes, but hypothetically.
Well, it'd be me, William, George, Charlotte, Harry and then whatever homunculus came out of you.
So, only six fools stand in the way of the Parker Bowles dynasty.
Welcome to Royal Make-up Tips, with Bea and E.
Today we're going to teach you how to make yourself look like a tiger.
Grrr! So, that's the concept.
What do you think? If you're there, how can you be here as well? Never mind that.
Can we launch it at your ball? Of course you can, girls.
Great.
And one more favour -- can Mummy come to your ball too? Oh, Grandad wrote me a letter about that -- maybe you could read it for me.
"Dear Harry, "Please find enclosed a £10 WH Smith voucher for your birthday.
" Oh, ace! "PS, under no circumstance can your fucking Aunt Fergie "come to your fucking ball -- she's a fucking liability.
"So if she asks to come, tell her to fuck right off, love Grandad.
" Oh, sorry, girls.
Let's go to Bruges.
- Mummy's got to get into that ball.
- You're right.
- Let's go to Bruges.
- Yeah.
What a magical evening.
Ya.
You can't beat Pizza Express.
The best bit was when you lied and said it was your birthday to get a free cake.
Shhh, someone might hear.
I'll check on the kids.
- Had a good time? - Wonderful.
Everything all right here? Not a peep and I've stuffed over 200 envelopes.
Well done, Uncle Edward.
I'm very proud of you.
Thanks.
Anyway, that's five hours at five quid an hour, so that's £25.
Plus tip -- that's up to you.
Uncle Edward, have you been letting little George operate a lathe? - Is there a problem? - He's been making metal spikes -- they were all covered in jagged edges.
- He can't do it perfectly his first time.
- What were you thinking of? Pardon me for trying to give him something to fall back on.
- Well, he's going to be the King.
- But what if there's a republic? Then he'll become a Fulham-based estate agent, like everyone else we know.
Well, don't worry about the tip then.
I'm going now.
You are coming to the ball tonight, aren't you? Of course I am.
Seriously, Wills, this is important to me, so don't say it if you don't mean it.
I mean it with all my heart.
Nothing's going to stop me getting to that ball.
So I'll see at the ball then.
Hello? Wills, I need you to fly the air ambulance.
We've had three pilots go down sick, it's this damn Munchhausen's.
But I've just promised Kate I'd be at her ball.
God dammit, a man has collapsed on a pedalo in Hyde Park.
I've got no-one else to call.
- You're his last hope.
- I need to think.
I'll call you back.
- But On the one hand, I'll be defying my father and, what's worse, breaking a promise to the woman I love.
On the other, a man could die.
What would you do, King Alfred the Great? That's quite a dilemma, young man.
But when the life of one of your subjects is in danger, the choice is obvious.
Of course, the pedalo man needs me.
Oh, thanks, Alfred the Great, you know everything.
Yes, except when to take the cakes off the fire.
- Wills! - On my way.
Oh, thank God you're here.
I just had six pork pies.
I'm slipping into a diabetic coma.
OK, what's your name? Everyone calls me Fat Twat.
OK, Fat Twat, I'm Wills.
We're going to get through this.
Oh, it's type two diabetes -- the self-inflicted sort.
I can't control my basic appetites.
Look, I'm even eating a pie now.
All right, Fat Twat, - the important thing is that we get you to a hospital.
- I'm drifting.
Stay with me, Fat Twat.
I'm not going to lose you.
Oh, I can see a cake, big cake.
Stay away from the cake! - Knock, knock.
- Camilla.
- Who have you come as? - Cheryl Cole.
You're my little star and I thoroughly enjoyed it.
That's just like her.
Thank you.
And what are you going to wear tonight? - I'm going as Princess Leia.
- Oh.
- Don't you like it? No, it's just, well, since Disney bought the Star Wars franchise, they're really playing hardball over the fancy dress costumes.
Oh.
I can't risk a legal battle with Disney.
- What will I do? - I might be able to help.
I brought a spare costume, just in case, for myself, but - you can have it.
- Really? I know we haven't always seen eye to eye, but thank you.
- What is it? - Let's just say it's nautical but nice.
You'll cause quite the sensation.
- And it's just you two? - Definitely.
Right, in you go.
- We're in.
- Great.
Time to do what I do best, - drink four bottles of Chablis and flash my freckly bangs.
- Yay! Go, Mummy! Oh, Harry, I didn't know you'd be here.
- Oh, well, it's my ball.
- Of course it is.
Unfortunately, my magic powers don't extend to conjuring up a drink.
- Eh? - Buy me a drink.
Oh, of course, yeah.
Two pints of Stella, please.
You, Pippa? - The same.
- Yeah, make it four.
Oh, Kate mentioned you're a bit short at the mo, so here you are.
What's that? It's a cheque for 100,000 quid, well, any amount you like, really, I left it blank.
I can't write.
You'd do that for me? - Harry, I don't know what to - Ooh, there's Chelsea.
- That's Cressida.
- Yeah, that's what I said.
Laters.
This is the best hospital in London, Fat Twat.
And remember, it's the Mediterranean diet for you from now on.
Too right! It'll be pizza and ice cream all the way! Mission accomplished.
Setting course for Harry and Kate's charity ball.
You don't have the fuel.
Return to base, return to base! I've got a promise to keep! I don't need fuel.
This chopper is going to be flying on love.
We've done some calculations this send and it might just work.
Good luck.
Come on, my dear.
The ball is a roaring success and it's all thanks to you.
I know.
Wills promised me he'd be here.
Come on, old girl, almost there.
Don't give up on me now! Wills! OK.
I'll just have to glide her in.
Tricky with no wings, but here goes.
Steady! Steady! - Steady! - Wills! He made it.
I must get dressed.
What the hell do you think you're doing? I thought I made my views on helicopters quite clear.
I had to live my own life.
Your destiny has been set since the first house of Windsor monkey swung down from the trees.
You can't believe in evolution and the divine right of kings.
I can believe what I'd damn well like.
I've got nine degrees.
They're honorary degrees! I've got the certificates! Ah-har! Shiver me timbers, boys! Well, what do you think? What are you doing? Don't you realise this is a fancy dress ball for military amputees? Oh! I was just trying to find a role.
(This could turn into a full-blown constitutional crisis.
) I don't know what that means.
This is getting out of hand.
If we're not careful, the great British scum is going to want to skip a generation! Nonsense, Camilla.
When I meet the people, they love me.
Why else would all those children keep giving you flowers? Because they're getting a day off school, you idiot! Well, I think they love me.
And anyway, the line's very clear -- first me, then William, but me first.
The sheep don't care about that.
They'll have us out faster than a homophobic Big Brother contestant.
And then everything I've been through, the walkabouts, the smiling, the talking to Joe Pasquale at the Royal Variety Show, it'll all have been for nothing! Will you look at me when I'm talking to you? Camilla, how can I sell my Cornish biscuits as organic now they've been on the carpet? Nobody will give a fuck about your Cornish biscuits, if you're not going to be king.
Of course they will, they're delicious, nutritious and all the biscuity profits go to charity.
There wouldn't be any profits if people knew they were made by seven-year-old orphans with Ricketts.
What happens in the Duchy of Cornwall, stays in the Duchy of Cornwall.
Where are the Garibaldis? Ah! Christ! That was tremendous, Kate.
- Are you all right? - Oh, it's nothing, Wills.
It's just, well, sometimes I feel like I don't belong in this family.
What are you talking about? - Marrying you was the best decision I ever made.
- Even though I'm a gypsy? Because you're a gypsy.
But are you sure your family are all right with it? They're thrilled.
Although, personally, I do wish you didn't bring back quite so many dumped white goods.
That's 12 quid's worth of copper in there.
Oh, is that the time? I need to be at the caff.
I'm mingling amongst my subjects to find out what they truly want.
- And what do they want? - Usually double egg and chips.
If I must be King, I'm determined to be the best one I can be.
And you will be.
I just wish there were a role for me.
But what you do is vital.
Bringing up children.
You could help Harry with his upcoming fancy dress, charity ball.
You'll be invaluable to him, what with being able to read and write.
Oh, that's a great idea.
Hey, don't you have to be at the caff? I'm allowed three verbal warnings, and I've only had two.
I'm just saying, I think the Royal family are a complete waste of money.
No, hang on a minute there, Alec, I think they do a very good job.
They bring in £500 million a year, just from tourism alone.
I think they're tremendous value for money.
Well, I suppose you're right.
Hey, Billy.
You clean bog now.
It's the London air ambulance.
We had to make a crash landing.
One of the crew has Munchausen syndrome by proxy.
- But isn't that where you harm other people? - Yes, he poisoned the pilot.
But we can still make it if someone can fly a helicopter.
'I can fly a helicopter.
'But if I make myself known, I'll blow my cover.
' Quickly! We've got a patient who's seriously ill, also with Munchausen syndrome by proxy.
Won't he be all right, then? He'll be the one poisoning other people.
Sorry, it's not by proxy, he's just got Munchausen syndrome.
- Gotcha.
- That makes sense.
Billy! I said bog now.
Is big shit in bog.
It's no flush.
I can fly a helicopter.
You? But you're just a bloke who works in a caff! How can you fly a helicopter? Because I am Prince William.
Second in line to the throne.
Husband to a gypsy.
Closely related to Kaiser Wilhelm of Germany, who started World War I.
Billy, what we do about shit? Now, where are the keys? My liege.
Thanks.
Pippa! - How great to see you.
- Hiya, you look fantastic.
Ooh, I couldn't have some money, could I? Pippa, what happened to the £400,000 you got for your party planning book? - I spent it.
- What on? Getting fucked up.
So - I'm sorry, but no.
- What? - You've got to learn to stand on your own two feet.
- Like you did? Parading around in your pants at a university fashion show, until the future King of England proposes? You weren't there.
It was nothing like that.
Oh, fuck off, it was in a book.
So are you going to give me some money, or not? All right.
But I'm afraid all I can spare is £5,000.
That won't even buy lunch.
Why don't you sell one of these paintings? Pippa, we don't own these paintings.
We're merely custodians of them for the public.
But they don't get to see them very often, do they? You really think you're it, don't you? Well, I remember when you were fighting Rottweilers - in Morrison's car park.
- So do I.
246 fights, 246 knockouts.
See, I'm proud of being a gypsy.
Well, I'm not.
I tarmacked my last drive the day I walked up the steps of Westminster Abbey and the world finally woke up to the fact I've got a fantastic arse.
It's true, you do have a fantastic arse.
But all you do is sit on it.
I just wish you had what I have.
We can't all go off and marry a prince, can we? You're right.
I'm sorry.
- I went too far.
- I'm sorry too.
Hug? And it is time I got on with some real work.
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Incoming! That was awesome.
Right, so where's this airfix model of a Lancaster bomber you've made, then? I've got a little confession to make, Harry.
I didn't make an airfix model of a Lancaster bomber.
Oh.
Oh! - Have I been very naughty? - No.
But, er this, it has to be a one-off.
Oh, really? Why? Because I'm still in love with Cressida.
But that's Chelsea.
Is it? Well, one of them, anyway.
OK.
We'll have to see about that, won't we? That is a fantastic arse.
Oh, my God.
If only I could read! That was a blinding lobster Thermidor, Beatrice.
A bit pricey, though.
And we've had another rent demand.
I can't believe the government's made us start paying rent for our Chelsea penthouse when we do so much for the country.
Yeah, that is a big chunk of wedge we're going to have to find from somewhere.
Eugenie we're going to have to get jobs.
Is that like when Daddy has a party for Arabs and British businessmen? No.
I think a job is where you have to go into a building, or something.
- Oh.
- Hey, we could work for ourselves.
- Ooh, I like it, but doing what? - Well, what are our skills? I wear make-up.
I have an iPhone.
We could become online make-up tip girl sensations.
- I fucking love that idea.
- And we'll make it on our own, without using any royal associations whatsoever.
Let's launch it at Harry's ball at Buckingham Palace.
Bangies! Oh, Kate, you're an absolute life-saver.
Oh, honestly, it's you doing me a favour by helping me find a role.
So, where are we? Oh, I was just doing the seating plan.
- Hmm.
- Oh, yeah, I got distracted when an aeroplane flew over and I tried to draw it.
But aeroplanes are always flying over.
I know.
So, what's this ball in aid of? I don't know.
- And when is it? - Don't know.
Ah! Friday.
- We'd better get stuck in.
- Ah, got you.
Mummy! Hello, girls.
You're in a good mood.
Oh, my God.
This hasn't happened in yonks -- just got recognised.
- Oh, brilliant.
- Yeah! I mean, they thought I was Mick Hucknall, but you know, it's close enough.
Have you heard about Harry's fancy dress ball? Yeah, it's going to be amaze! I mean, I'd love to go, but Prince Philip's ordered MI6 to assassinate me if I go within five miles of a palace.
Don't worry, Mummy, we'll get you in.
Oh, thanks, girls.
I mean, I hate to ask, but I do miss the old days, you know, dancing till dawn, everything free.
Whereas, in the Wetherspoons, it's £2.
50 a pint and chucking out at 11.
No, no, table 5.
Oh! (I owe Paolo money.
) (Last time I was here, I did a runner.
) Oh.
Poor Mummy.
Yes, I've been made a patron of the BFI.
I mean, I always thought I knew a lot about film, but this proves it.
Now then, Kate, a little bird tells me that you're helping Harry with the fancy dress ball.
Yes.
It's terribly hard work, but tremendously fulfilling.
It's silly, but at last I feel like - Go on, dear.
- .
.
I belong.
I'm so sorry.
Something went down the wrong hole.
As per last night, for which I apologise.
Is there anything I can do to help? I mean, no-one would expect a girl of your upbringing to know, for instance, that fish is served with white wine, rather than Diamond White.
I judge people by the content of their character, not by the alcohol content of their cider.
Oh, I've offended you.
I'm so sorry, I had no intention.
And I can see that you too like Diamond White, ultra-strong.
Sorry I'm late, but I've had the most incredible day.
Looks like someone sold a lot of pies.
No, I've come to a decision.
I want to be a pilot again.
What? Like a common tradesman? This isn't the Dutch Royal Family, this is the real thing.
I just want to help people.
Then do it by doing what you've been trained to do -- waving.
What was the point in learning to fly a helicopter if I'm forbidden from doing it? So you could wear a uniform at your wedding.
It's not enough for me, Father.
From now on, the only time you're allowed in a helicopter is when you're going to an exclusive Caribbean island or Stephen Fry's birthday party.
- But my mind is made up.
- And so is mine! - How was the caff? - Terrible.
All I want to do is fly helicopters, but, instead, - I spent all day explaining why I've got a dead rat in the sink.
- Oh! So, aren't you going to get ready? - Hmm? - Wills, have you forgotten what tonight is? No.
Happy Michaelmas.
- It's our date night.
- Oh Yeah, can we skip it? Wills, I've been working hard too, you know, trying to book a band for Harry's ball, but none of the trendy ones want to be associated with the Royal family.
Ed Sheeran told me to go and fuck myself.
At the moment, all I have is Ronan Keating.
Oh, darling, I'm so sorry.
Oh, there's the baby-sitter.
I'm not sure I even want to go out now.
Perhaps I'll tell him to go.
- No, we could both do with a night out.
- Thanks.
Hang on, "him"? Thanks so much for this.
Uncle Edward, why are you baby-sitting? I won't lie, Wills, - I'm in the soup.
- What's happened? Any chance of a drink first? I'm not sure, you know, if you're looking after the children.
Yes, quite right.
- Just out of curiosity, where would you keep it? - Uncle Edward! You know how I live for show business? Well, I recently bought the rights to Oliver Twist and turned it into a musical.
But that's been done, it was called Oliver.
Well, I know that now.
But when I went back to the pub, the man had gone.
Anyway, long story short, I need to find £6 million fast.
We only pay £5 an hour.
That's all right.
I'm going to stuff envelopes while I'm here.
Look, I've even got a business plan.
Just a second, Uncle Edward.
Darling, are you sure about this? Uncle Edward is a nice bloke and everything, but come on.
George and Charlotte aren't just our babies, they are the people's babies.
But everyone deserves a second chance.
You and your gypsy code.
OK, Uncle Edward, you're on.
Oh, right, right, off you go then, have a good time.
And don't worry, we'll be fine.
Someone was asking me today if, by some miracle, we had a child, where it would stand in the line of succession.
And I had no idea.
Well, it's a bit unlikely, isn't it, darling? You haven't had a period since Wham! split up! You are funny.
Yes, but hypothetically.
Well, it'd be me, William, George, Charlotte, Harry and then whatever homunculus came out of you.
So, only six fools stand in the way of the Parker Bowles dynasty.
Welcome to Royal Make-up Tips, with Bea and E.
Today we're going to teach you how to make yourself look like a tiger.
Grrr! So, that's the concept.
What do you think? If you're there, how can you be here as well? Never mind that.
Can we launch it at your ball? Of course you can, girls.
Great.
And one more favour -- can Mummy come to your ball too? Oh, Grandad wrote me a letter about that -- maybe you could read it for me.
"Dear Harry, "Please find enclosed a £10 WH Smith voucher for your birthday.
" Oh, ace! "PS, under no circumstance can your fucking Aunt Fergie "come to your fucking ball -- she's a fucking liability.
"So if she asks to come, tell her to fuck right off, love Grandad.
" Oh, sorry, girls.
Let's go to Bruges.
- Mummy's got to get into that ball.
- You're right.
- Let's go to Bruges.
- Yeah.
What a magical evening.
Ya.
You can't beat Pizza Express.
The best bit was when you lied and said it was your birthday to get a free cake.
Shhh, someone might hear.
I'll check on the kids.
- Had a good time? - Wonderful.
Everything all right here? Not a peep and I've stuffed over 200 envelopes.
Well done, Uncle Edward.
I'm very proud of you.
Thanks.
Anyway, that's five hours at five quid an hour, so that's £25.
Plus tip -- that's up to you.
Uncle Edward, have you been letting little George operate a lathe? - Is there a problem? - He's been making metal spikes -- they were all covered in jagged edges.
- He can't do it perfectly his first time.
- What were you thinking of? Pardon me for trying to give him something to fall back on.
- Well, he's going to be the King.
- But what if there's a republic? Then he'll become a Fulham-based estate agent, like everyone else we know.
Well, don't worry about the tip then.
I'm going now.
You are coming to the ball tonight, aren't you? Of course I am.
Seriously, Wills, this is important to me, so don't say it if you don't mean it.
I mean it with all my heart.
Nothing's going to stop me getting to that ball.
So I'll see at the ball then.
Hello? Wills, I need you to fly the air ambulance.
We've had three pilots go down sick, it's this damn Munchhausen's.
But I've just promised Kate I'd be at her ball.
God dammit, a man has collapsed on a pedalo in Hyde Park.
I've got no-one else to call.
- You're his last hope.
- I need to think.
I'll call you back.
- But On the one hand, I'll be defying my father and, what's worse, breaking a promise to the woman I love.
On the other, a man could die.
What would you do, King Alfred the Great? That's quite a dilemma, young man.
But when the life of one of your subjects is in danger, the choice is obvious.
Of course, the pedalo man needs me.
Oh, thanks, Alfred the Great, you know everything.
Yes, except when to take the cakes off the fire.
- Wills! - On my way.
Oh, thank God you're here.
I just had six pork pies.
I'm slipping into a diabetic coma.
OK, what's your name? Everyone calls me Fat Twat.
OK, Fat Twat, I'm Wills.
We're going to get through this.
Oh, it's type two diabetes -- the self-inflicted sort.
I can't control my basic appetites.
Look, I'm even eating a pie now.
All right, Fat Twat, - the important thing is that we get you to a hospital.
- I'm drifting.
Stay with me, Fat Twat.
I'm not going to lose you.
Oh, I can see a cake, big cake.
Stay away from the cake! - Knock, knock.
- Camilla.
- Who have you come as? - Cheryl Cole.
You're my little star and I thoroughly enjoyed it.
That's just like her.
Thank you.
And what are you going to wear tonight? - I'm going as Princess Leia.
- Oh.
- Don't you like it? No, it's just, well, since Disney bought the Star Wars franchise, they're really playing hardball over the fancy dress costumes.
Oh.
I can't risk a legal battle with Disney.
- What will I do? - I might be able to help.
I brought a spare costume, just in case, for myself, but - you can have it.
- Really? I know we haven't always seen eye to eye, but thank you.
- What is it? - Let's just say it's nautical but nice.
You'll cause quite the sensation.
- And it's just you two? - Definitely.
Right, in you go.
- We're in.
- Great.
Time to do what I do best, - drink four bottles of Chablis and flash my freckly bangs.
- Yay! Go, Mummy! Oh, Harry, I didn't know you'd be here.
- Oh, well, it's my ball.
- Of course it is.
Unfortunately, my magic powers don't extend to conjuring up a drink.
- Eh? - Buy me a drink.
Oh, of course, yeah.
Two pints of Stella, please.
You, Pippa? - The same.
- Yeah, make it four.
Oh, Kate mentioned you're a bit short at the mo, so here you are.
What's that? It's a cheque for 100,000 quid, well, any amount you like, really, I left it blank.
I can't write.
You'd do that for me? - Harry, I don't know what to - Ooh, there's Chelsea.
- That's Cressida.
- Yeah, that's what I said.
Laters.
This is the best hospital in London, Fat Twat.
And remember, it's the Mediterranean diet for you from now on.
Too right! It'll be pizza and ice cream all the way! Mission accomplished.
Setting course for Harry and Kate's charity ball.
You don't have the fuel.
Return to base, return to base! I've got a promise to keep! I don't need fuel.
This chopper is going to be flying on love.
We've done some calculations this send and it might just work.
Good luck.
Come on, my dear.
The ball is a roaring success and it's all thanks to you.
I know.
Wills promised me he'd be here.
Come on, old girl, almost there.
Don't give up on me now! Wills! OK.
I'll just have to glide her in.
Tricky with no wings, but here goes.
Steady! Steady! - Steady! - Wills! He made it.
I must get dressed.
What the hell do you think you're doing? I thought I made my views on helicopters quite clear.
I had to live my own life.
Your destiny has been set since the first house of Windsor monkey swung down from the trees.
You can't believe in evolution and the divine right of kings.
I can believe what I'd damn well like.
I've got nine degrees.
They're honorary degrees! I've got the certificates! Ah-har! Shiver me timbers, boys! Well, what do you think? What are you doing? Don't you realise this is a fancy dress ball for military amputees? Oh! I was just trying to find a role.
(This could turn into a full-blown constitutional crisis.
) I don't know what that means.