The Witchfinder (2022) s01e01 Episode Script

1
The year of our Lord 1645.
England is on its knees.
A kingdom blighted by civil war,
plague,
but most of all,
witchery.
Yet God has sent forth a breed
of man to hold these wretches
to the cleansing fires of justice.
Witchfinder!
Yes, I'm the Witchfinder,
here to tell the true tale
of a wretch called Elizabeth Snell.
She worshipped the devil,
got down on her knees,
and used his dark powers
to murder her niece.
Hang her!
Hang her!
Can't hear you!
Hang her!!
That's better!
Her windpipe gives way,
the neck starts to crack.
The weight of her body
fractures her back.
Her eyes start to bulge,
her bowels open wide,
the last meal she had
is no longer inside.
Oh, I didn't know they
shat themselves.
For women like Elizabeth
are easily led.
She was an only child who never wed,
and if there are
no further questions
I've got a question.
What?
I thought you said
she murdered her niece.
Yes If she was an only child,
how did she even have a niece?
Oh, for God's sake.
Well, he said if anyone's
got any questions
The Witchfinder is meant
for the children.
If you had any respect,
you'd shut your mouth.
You know that's not Witchfinder.
That is a man in a tent.
Well, don't ruin it!
Is it really a man in a tent?
Oh, well done!
It's not a tent. It's a booth!
What is wrong with you?
Why not let it go?
I'm just interested. Yeah, well,
you would be, wouldn't you?
And what's that supposed to mean?!
Witches!!
They've found a coven of witches!!
Hey! I've not passed the hat round!
What about the?
Oh, hello.
# Write them on
the wishing wall #
# If you be a man of
old worldfame
# Then tell me
all their father's names
# Of the well below the valley
# Green grow the lilies #
Now, that's a lovely hat.
With genuinely lovely, um
..I want to say angles.
It's by Charles Booth of London.
Of course it is.
One can't skimp on a hat.
It's very much the, um,
shoe of the head. The, er
..the glove of the, um
..head again.
It's classic Booth, is what it is.
Would you mind
if I took it for a stroll?
A stroll? Just four minutes.
Just, er, see how she wears.
We've got five minutes. Four!
Thank you!
Fuck off. I just don't
see the need for this.
We are talking about
a whole coven.
Four witches
and a pact with the devil.
You think the magistrate's going
to employ me with my old hat?!
The brim droops
like a dog's tongue.
I like dogs.
I like dogs!
I just don't want their tongue
slapping against my forehead.
OK, there he is. Ready?
Ready?
Yes Yes, I'm ready, Gideon!
Oh! Little curtsy?
Goodbye.
Good Lord.
Good Lord! Magistrate!
I'm so sorry. Forgive my haste.
I will, of course, have my
book-keeper reimburse you
for any crumpling to your garments.
You have a book-keeper?!
I have a book-keeper, yes!
For all the work that's come in
since I last saw you.
Still, good day.
Something you wanted?
Oh, no. No, no.
Just passing through.
I'm on my way to Snetterton
to question a suspected witch.
Is it Snetterton?
Constantin on the Monday
for the trial,
then off to Norwich
for the possessed chorister,
so yes, Snetterton. Snetterton, as
a favour to the magistrate, really.
He's worried that witchery running
amok will reflect badly upon him.
The last thing a magistrate needs
is panic spreading around the town
like the pox.
For God's sake, Mr Bannister.
Is that what this is?
Hmm? You grubbing for work?
No! Work?!
Ha-ha! I already explained.
I'm on my way to Snetterton.
Yes. Snetterton's that way.
From over there.
Honestly.
If I wanted to investigate
the coven, don't you think
I'd come round and ask?
No, because you've been told
to not come round and ask,
and this is your way of dangling
yourself in front of me
without doing that. Popping out
on some prearranged signal!
The woman has a cough!
If I needed
Jesus wept.
If I needed a witchfinder,
there's plenty of them around.
Fine!
I don't have a book-keeper
and this is
..a borrowed hat. It's borrowed hat,
yes, which I may ultimately buy.
But what I do have is knowledge,
expertise,
and, quite frankly, balls.
Two of them. Massive.
Enough to tackle the gravest
cases of witchery, like your coven.
Oh, well, I've no coven for you.
But
But I do have one thorny case
if you think you and your balls
can handle it.
Oh, the three of us will
be just fine, I'm sure.
What's this?
This is the victim.
It's a pig.
A pig killed by sorcery.
You should have heard him.
He said I was the town's
pre-eminent witchfinder.
What, you are?! Trusted
with the gravest witchery.
Decorum, decorum, decorum.
And he said there were a couple
of rooms at the tavern
waiting for us -
just say his name.
Mr Topcliffe.
To the landlady. Oh!
Wouldn't be to me, would it?
Oh! Decorum, decorum.
Do you remember when you used
to ride that little pig
in the village? Genevieve.
Vaguely. Had a heart attack,
didn't she? All right, all right.
May God have mercy on her soul.
There weren't enough for you.
Oh, don't apologise, master.
Don't think I did. Oh, and, er
Yes, Master? Oh
Watch out for that shit.
Thank you, Master.
I said I'll trim your beard.
It's what you pay me for.
It's actually not
what I pay you for.
Last time you did it,
you gave it corners.
It's Hebble!
Come away from the window!
Oh, let him see.
Your beard's looking full.
At least he can grow one!
Great to see you, Mr Hebble.
You here to lobby
for this coven job?
There is no coven job.
Yours was a wasted journey.
Then why take a room?
Oh, nothing much.
Just being offered another job.
I'm delighted for you.
What is it this time?
Someone else cursed with eczema?
A goat that cries like a baby?
Remember that fruit picker
who had a demon in his hedge?
There wasn't a demon in his hedge.
You'd know. You interrogated it.
To rule it out.
How's my work going?
I don't remember asking you that.
Good question.
Which I didn't ask.
Fucking well. You probably heard
about the three witches I convicted
near Mattishall for destroying
a village in a mudslide.
I've been awarded
the freedom of Girton.
Oh, the freedom of Girton! Wow-ee!
What does that entail?
Is there a fenced-off bit that the
rest of us aren't allowed into? No.
So identical to NOT having
the freedom of Girton then.
You must be thrilled.
Is there something else.
No.
Do feel free to go!
I will.
And yet you haven't.
Just enjoying the town.
Toss pot.
Yes! The baying mob. Oh, lovely.
What is baying?
Um It's just something mobs do.
Egg.
Right.
We pray for protection against
the wickedness and sins
of the devil. May God rebuke him.
We pray for protection against the
wickedness and sins
Yup.
Thank you.
It's like that, is it?
I see women like you
..all the time.
Hard, impenetrable,
revealing none of what's inside.
But then I set to work
and all of a sudden
Oh, look. She's broken.
And it all comes out.
I fucking told you!
Oh, I see.
I'm so sorry.
I thought you were
I thought she was
I've done nothing! Silence!
Do you have to be that close?
Your dick is in my armpit.
My dick is not in her armpit.
Some of it is.
It's not love, I wouldn't.
Careful! Don't goad the witch!
I'm not a witch!
Tell that to my pig!
I never wanted him to die.
And how are you planning on getting
the pork out? Shit bacon, does he?
You have the devil in you, lady!
Contrary, idle
And why does she live alone?!
What sort of woman
remains unmarried?
Lots of women are unmarried.
Your sister's unmarried!
She's not unmarried
the way you're unmarried.
There's something not right
about the way you're unmarried.
I agree, actually
Oh, fuck off, Anne.
I swear to God, I will hit you
Put the jug down.
No-one leaves this room
without my express permission.
Old Myers will now bag the suspect's
possessions as evidence while I
Sorry, who are you?
I'm the witchfinder.
Oh, finally! You know, they
said a witchfinder was coming
and I thought,
"Do you know what? Good.
"Someone with half a brain
to sort this out."
I said, "As long as he knows what
he's going on about, then that's
great."
As long as I ..know what you're
going on about, then that's great.
I do know what I'm going on about.
Then that's great.
My name is Gideon Bannister.
Some of you may have heard the name.
That's a no. My job is to determine
whether the suspect,
one, Thomasine Gooch,
has pledged herself to the devil.
Because let me tell you,
I see women like you all the time.
Hard.
Impenetrable
Another egg? No, cheers.
But then I set to work
Another egg?
So that's your egg on the floor?
Well, regardless of that, I'm
Never mind regardless,
you just dropped egg on my floor.
Can we please get back
to talking about
the maleficium
that you're accused of?
I think we should, yeah. Yeah,
I think we should, too, yeah.
After you've picked up that egg.
Myers, clear it up.
She didn't drop the egg.
Look, you have two options here.
The first is you just admit
to the crime and we move on
Look, I want to work with you,
you want to work with me
The one that we don't want to do
really, if we can avoid it
..pick up the egg.
..would be to start stalling
so that I have to use more and
more imaginative means
trying to squeeze the confession out
of you. ..I want to work with you.
Do you see that?
So which course do you want to take?
Which course? I can see it there.
Now Some there. OK.
Right, now,
you can see, if you ask around,
there really is nothing to it. Yes,
well, there's not nothing to it,
is there? Her pig's dead.
It was like 100.
And then we have
your ungodly behaviour,
your repellent character.
I like a drink. Yes, and this
is before we even discuss
Brown Peter My chicken.
Your imp!
Witnesses saw a demon
in animal form
approaching your dwelling
to suckle at your teat!
Be gone foul creature!
In Christ's name be gone!
It's a chicken.
Oh! Myers?
"The beast strode to the door
with a purposeful gait."
That's how they walk.
They don't stroll around whistling.
Then one wonders how this
whole thing has arisen.
Know what you could do instead
of wondering? Ask something.
Yeah, you'd love that, wouldn't you?
Always twisting and pulling at
things with unnecessary questions.
It's a necessary question.
Do I have a plough behind me?
Are you done with that chicken?
Do I have a lump?
I thought witchfinders
were meant to ask questions.
You're just saying stuff.
That witchfinder looking into the
coven, he asked loads of questions.
Well, for your information,
there is no coven.
For your information,
there is a coven.
I thought there was, yeah.
Then why would your magistrate
specifically tell me
there is no coven?
Well, maybe he didn't
want to give you the work
because he didn't want to give you
anything serious.
Fucking hell.
Is it not true
..that you did enter into a pact
with these women
to do the devil's bidding?!
The devil!
That you convened a sabbot
and together put a pox
upon the fairest children?
God rest their souls.
It is clear to me
that you have allowed the
You look like the cat who's watching
the other cat get the cream.
A real sour puss.
Fuck off.
Excuse me.
..and who sealed this pact
Did you not lie with Satan
..Connolly?
Did you not lie
with Satan Connolly?!
Simple question, love.
Did you fuck the devil?
I did.
I did!
Two words that are truly damning.
Two words that point to one word.
Witch!
Oh! He's good, isn't he?
Yeah, fantastic. He's good!
You know, different from you.
Different.
He is different. Not better,
not better, just different.
You wouldn't want this case,
though, would you?
Three dead kids.
I would bloody love three dead kids!
I'd love three dead kids.
Some proper witchcraft!
Rather than this "he said, she said"
domestic quarrels,
while all the best work
goes to this bellowing ape.
I like apes.
I like apes!
I just don't like them
nicking my bloody work. Mm.
Topcliffe.
Excuse me.
You said there was no coven.
Those were your exact words.
No, no. My exact words were
"There's no coven for you".
That's cute.
Come on. Everyone has their level.
Look, if you think
I'm going to ask John Stern,
one of the most respected
witchfinders in the country,
who happens to be passing
through town
and offers us his assistance
John Stern?
That man was John Stern?!
But he's the right hand man
to Matthew Hopkins,
the Witchfinder General.
Is there something you wanted?
Me? Yes.
No, no. Just thinking about
the Witchfinder General.
And because they were twins,
you couldn't tell which was which!
There you go, boys.
Yeah, another bowl of cherries
for the table.
You've not paid for these yet.
Paid?! This is John Stern.
Is that supposed to mean
something to me?
Well, let's see.
Does your daughter
mean anything to you?
What?
Your daughter. The one
who sneaks off every night
to fetch off the devil? My daughter?
Fetching of the devil?
Who's saying that?
Well, I did and you just have,
so that's two already.
I only said it See how quickly
these things catch fire?
That's how quickly your
daughter's hair will catch fire
when I have her burned as a witch.
I'll get your cherries.
I hate having to do that,
but it's just quicker.
Sorry, you were saying
about scripture
Ah, now. It's important.
I could quote scripture.
I could say,
"A woman that hath a familiar spirit
shall surely be put to death."
Now, some witchfinders will be able
to tell you the chapter and verse
Leviticus 20:27.
..whereas others, like me,
like Matthew -
that ilk - we're not bothered. No.
We're more focused
on the bigger picture.
Who cares? Yes, might not
be Chapter 20 in the end.
It might not be Chapter 20.
I'm not sure.
Not sure about what?
Well, which one - what he was
saying about the bigger picture.
You need to In fact,
I'll talk to him.
I have to say, I have written
a witchfinding pamphlet myself,
which I've got here.
I'll just find a seat.
It is called
"An Observation of the Study
"of the Nature of the
Foulness of witches".
Maybe one too many "of the" there,
but my plan is
You're in my seat. Off I go. Lovely.
Happy to stand. Love standing.
Now. My name is Gideon Bannister.
I loved
..loved your prosecuting earlier.
Some lovely scripture.
Lovely scripture.
Crowd in the palm of your hands.
Fantastic peppering of Latin
And a little tonic
for loosening the tongue.
Red Cap mushroom, crushed and dried.
You will excuse Mr Hebble.
You might have to resort
to the use of intoxicants
to secure a conviction,
but witchfinders like John and me
prefer to rely on scriptures,
scruples and scrutiny.
The three "scrus".
And I believe, if I'm not wrong,
that belongs to you.
And apologies for that.
Now, if you'll excuse us, Mr Hebble,
John and me are talking about
my witchfinding pamphlet
That's the second time
you've said "John and me".
There is no "John and me".
It's not like
you're a proper witchfinder.
Well, I am a witchfinder.
Because you have
a witchfinder's hat?
And the cloak?
Put a scarecrow
in a farmer's hat and coat,
does that make it a farmer?
I'm engaged in a case
across the square.
Oh. Let me know
if it comes to trial.
I'm sure Mr Hopkins will be keen
to hear of a good new witchfinder.
Tomorrow morning.
They're going to try her
tomorrow morning? Yup.
On stage, or On stage.
All welcome.
I might come to that.
Please do.
Please do.
Please do.
Does your head fill the whole hat,
or have you paid
for more hat than you need?
If I were you, I'd concern
myself with the charges
levelled against me.
And try not to be intimidated
by my manner up there.
I'll try not to be.
I can be a little fearsome,
especially when I hit top volume.
Yes. Understood.
Equally, don't be thrown by the
..flourishes that accompany my work.
Dare say I'll manage.
You do realise
you're on trial for witchery?
You do realise I've lived here
my whole life?
I drink in the tavern.
My dad used to sell meat
to everyone here.
I'm Meaty Gooch's girl.
Meaty Gooch?
When they find out what the
Griffins have been saying,
you're just going to get laughed at.
Oh Master Gideon, Master Gideon!
You know how I've been
looking for Mr Stern?
You found him? No. Staggering.
But his horse is still here.
So he's still in town.
But "in town" is no good to us!
He needs to be out there
bloody watching!
This is how John Stern came
into the employ of Matthew Hopkins!
Public prosecution like this
could be the making of me.
So stand up and go and find him!
Does that mean it's starting?
Yes! Come on, let's go.
Head held high. Out we go.
Oh, Mary's here! Shut up.
Mary! Shut up!
You are a woman of God, are you not?
Yes.
Testifying under oath
before the Lord?
Yes.
And you've seen this woman
at close quarters?
Yes.
Formed a view of her character?
Yes.
Shaped, no doubt, by the
inexplicable death of your pig?
Yes.
Do you believe Thomasine Gooch
to be a witch?
Yes, I do.
Yes.
"Yes, I do.
"Yes."
Four words
..or two words
..twice bookended by a third,
that are truly damning.
Thank you.
Bit quicker.
My name is Gideon Bannister.
Some of you may know me.
..and I'm here today
That's unbelievable.
And I'm here today in the presence
of your magistrate, Mr Topcliffe,
and I believe Mr John Stern
is with us today
Um
No, not quite yet.
..to present the case
against Thomasine Gooch,
who used sorcery,
which led to the demise
of Goodwife Griffin's pig,
cherished as it was
like a member of her own family.
Definite likeness. Pardon me?
Nothing.
I'm ever so sorry,
does this amuse you?
A bit, yeah. A bit? Does it?
Then it might amuse you to hear
that you are charged
with the crime of maleficium,
or harm by sorcery!
Well, which one is it?
What? Maleficium or harm by sorcery?
Maleficium is harm by sorcery!
Would it not just have been easier
to say "harm by sorcery"?
Quicker to say Maleficium.
Not if you have to explain
that it's harm by sorcery.
I wasn't to know that you
didn't know what maleficium was.
Maybe next time
just say "harm by sorcery",
unless you think
it sounds better in Latin.
Up to you.
English or Latin
..you made a pact with the devil.
I'm not being funny,
but the only ones that have
accused me of being a witch
are the Griffins.
Ask anyone.
Susan!
Susan Archibald!
Or the Murrows.
John Murrow! Judy Murrow!
Ask any of them,
and they'll vouch for me.
The Murrows described you
as "ungodly".
What?!
Goodwife Archibald refers to you
as a, um
Well, I won't say the word,
but it becunts with the letter C.
You people!
My God!
If I was a witch,
you lot would know about it!
I'd cast a spell to put ale in
the well to liven you lot up a bit!
Maybe get you to admit
to the ungodly stuff that you do.
Like sneaking across the square
at 5am to get back
into bed before your wife wakes up.
I sleepwalk!
Or telling your sister that her hair
looks nice piled up like that,
when actually she looks like
she's got a pie on her head!
All of you lot have
got something to hide,
but no
..I'm the witch!
Oh, at last a confession!
No! No, no, no No, I
I think we're still waiting
for John Stern.
I think the case for the
prosecution rests.
Right now, prepare the defendant.
Gideon, where are you going?!
They're just about to announce it!
Pointless. I'm fed up, traipsing
around to these stupid towns -
your Snettertons and your Banhams
and your
Girton. Yes, Girton. Exactly!
Poxy little towns
with stupid little cases.
Are you hungry, Gideon?
I'm hungry for more!
I thought you did very well
up there.
Very well.
You were up all night
writing that speech.
Yes, for John Stern to hear,
and he didn't even show up!
Is that not him? Is that not him?!
Mr Stern!
So you saw the trial then?
Sorry if you heard any of that.
Truth be told, I've had a bit
of a fallow period,
an annus calamitous,
if you like.
I'm sure you've been there.
Just saying,
I'm sure you've been there, John.
In fact, I'll take that back.
I'm not sure you've been there.
In fact, I'm positive you haven't.
And I know that you won't, John.
Have I upset you, John?
John?
Oh, God!
I think you've hurt yourself
a little bit, John.
There are one or two flies
just near your mouth.
Yup. One's gone in.
It's gone into your mouth, John.
Gideon
It was on your lip, and then
it's just marched into your mouth,
bold as brass.
Gideon. Don't inhale, John.
Gideon, he's dead!
He must have drunk all the ale,
come in, slipped on the straw,
and then impaled himself on that
Oh, that metal thingy.
What an idiot. What an idiot!
Showing off, probably!
Well, someone's going to have
to tell the Witchfinder General
he's going to need a new
right hand man.
I mean, yes, although goodness knows
where Matthew Hopkins is.
He's not an easy man to pin down.
Well, it says here Mr Stern
is going to meet him in Chelmsford
on Friday for a big
showpiece witch trial.
Shame you're here.
Well, there won't be a shortage
of qualified witchfinders
far closer to hand.
Yeah, but then again, they don't
know that Mr Stern's dead, do they?
Or that Mr Hopkins
is headed for Chelmsford.
You'd have been able
to break the news.
You'd have been the first
witchfinder on the spot,
with the witch
who killed his friend.
I thought you said
he slipped on the hay.
You told me,
witches make puppets
..of the people
they want to bewitch!
She made this to put a hex on him.
Look.
I found it in her house.
It's a shame the trial's done.
I don't think they'd take
too kindly to you
whisking that witch away - they're
going to want to see her burn!
Gideon?
Topcliffe!
Magistrate Topcliffe!
Excuse me, excuse me!
Magistrate Topcliffe,
I need the suspect! What?!
I've got to take the suspect!
Why?! I've got a letter!
What letter? This one!
Received it just now.
It's from the Court of Assizes
saying,
and this is bloody annoying,
I need to take the suspect there
to have a trial there.
What? No, no!
The worst of it, I need
to take her immediately.
What does it say?
Actually, yeah.
Let's hear the letter.
You want me to read the letter?
Yes!
Read it!
I'll happily read the letter.
It says
.."To Mr Bannister."
Pardon me, a bit of phlegm.
"You shall immediately please
transport the defendant,
"Thomasine"
Gooch. Gooch.
Which is what it says here
in black and white.
"..to the Court of Assizes,
"where she will be triedby
a judge"
Obviously.
"..that we may more swiftly
expunge the
"pernicious shadow of witchery
"that looms long
over this large land"
Which I thought was rather florid,
but still quite nicely phrased.
All of the Ls -
"looms", "long", "large".
You know what makes it florid?
"Yours" Wrapping it up now.
"..the Master of the Rolls
and Lord Chancellor of theBar."
There's your letter.
I don't have any questions,
unless you guys do?