The Wizards of Aus (2016) s01e01 Episode Script
Honk
1 Nice of you to join us! Uh, wait what? You know we were doing just fine without you.
Okay, I'll just-I'll just leave then, should I? You don't want magic? Fuck you, you don't want magic! Itâs a fucking crazy battle! What are you doing? Focus! Don't sass! Now, what sort of of a way is that to talk to a lady? And that, is why you don't sass! Come on! "Hey Jack, you want to flirt?" Okey-dokey, where shall we do it? "How about on a dangerous battlefield?" Gee, that sounds like fun! I hope you don't end up with Axe-Face! Gghhrrrr! Mggrhhhhhr, Goblin That's a fucking bummer! Hey, guys! Donât go near the dragon.
I know it's for the king Knights: FOR THE KING!! I picked a helluva day to stop drinking! The fuck is wrong with these people? Okay, cool! Ah, you guys got this, right? Sweetie sweetie peteetie.
Well, Iâm going to see myself out.
Ah, donât get up! I see youâve got your hands full of fire.
You fucking idiots.
Fuck this place.
So, ah that was my last day.
I figured I was done with that place, and I just needed to find somewhere rational to live.
Here! And so that's why you migrated to Melbourne, is it? Uh, in a nutshell yeah? Footscray has cheap rent, but anywhere in the human realm would've been ah fine.
Mmmmmmm.
Mmmmm? W-w-what do you mean, 'Mmmm'? Morgan, if that stuff happened here It would be the most significant day in your history.
For me, that was Tuesday.
Listen, Jack If that is in face your real name I canât honestly say that I know what itâs like to grow up in an arcane vortex of ancient eldritch energy.
Wizard realm, is fine.
Whatevs.
What I can say, however, is if I was to move to the Wizard Realm myself Which clearly, I'm never gonna do- Good, don't.
- and I destroyed a national monument, I would hardly be welcomed by an adoring public, would I? Honestly Morgan, you might be crowned king.
Not even joking - that's how we crowned our last king! People back home are fucking psychos man- Whoa, Jack, Jack, Jack Jack! That's not the sort of language we accept here here on 'The Wright Perspective', Sorry.
Um, sorry! Swearing isn't really a thing for me, It's kind of a new custom.
Nobody back home worries about it because there's way more dangerous words to say.
Like, for example, if you say 'Fjormangander'- Then that happens - I'm so sorry, Morgan.
Swearing's one thing, Jack, but you're going to have to learn to hold your heathen tongue.
We speak Australian in this country, not Abra-ca-ding-dong.
Best you remember that! Everybody alright? Nobody's hurt? He didn't turn anyone into a Baby Bones, did he? Cameraman: Umm No, uh but Susan's a goose now Honk!! Jack, I'm sick of you beating around the bush.
Let's cut to the chase and get down to brass tacks.
Wh-what? I want to see you try and smooth over this prickly business from last week.
Oh, no we don't need to- Roll the clip! Reporter: I stand just metres away from where mere hours ago, the iconic Flinders' Street Station proudly stood.
Now, as Australian's we're used to killer fish, but we're not talking about a Great White.
We're talking about the aquatic atrosity that left citizens with nothing to do - but flounder.
As this amateur footage shows: These teenagers, innocently testing the smell of spray paint had no idea what was about to unfold when this man let out a sneeze so powerful It transformed this historic train station, into a giant, fishy mess.
Good question; No, I have not seen anything quite like this before.
It's a disgrace.
As a vegetarian; I'm offended.
As a pescatarian; I'm not offended enough.
This is a disgrace! Typical metro - it's been three hours and still the trains haven't turned up.
It's a disgrace.
I tell you, Jack, that there footage, it boils my blood, it chills me to the bone.
And overall generally Iâm lukewarm, Iâm room temp.
The camera doesn't lie, Jack.
You canât deny thatâs not you, anymore than you can deny that Iâm this handsome.
Youâve been caught with your hands in the Tim Tam jar, you might say.
Bang to Wrights! You, my friend are up shhhh sugar creek.
Without so much as a paddle pop.
Or even a Golden Gaytime - remember those folks? 'Fishy Thursday', if that's what we're calling it it was a complete accident, and I'm sorry! I want everybody to know that I'm now living completely magic free.
Not a spell, not a curse, not a hex - not a nothin'! And Iâm sorry, but I don't think that itâs fair that Iâve been lumped in with other people of my community, who donât respect the laws, who donât respect the people, who donât the culture.
They're criminals, and we're not all like that.
Iâm, Iâm, Iâm not like that.
G'day, Matey Potatey! Oh, Iâll come to you.
You just - One sec! Oh, sorry, mate.
She just really got away from me.
Oh no, donât stress, mate.
All good.
Sheâs a big girl, hey? Ha! Needs plenty of SPACE! I just threw them into space! What are you doing here? Why canât you just leave me alone? Oh well, I heard youâd moved to the human realm and I thought, PFFFT sounds like a bit of fun! Skulldrich, this is a peaceful place.
I donât need you here to fuck this up! Itâs boring back home without you, Jack! We had a good thing going, you and me.
Iâd set a fire, youâd put it out.
Youâd save a princess, Iâd set her on fire! Full circle! I mean, I miss that, donât you? No, I donât.
Now, go get! This is a normal place for normal people.
I just want to be normal! The last thing I need in my head is another fucking Baby Bones.
Look, Iâm all about integration, alright? Itâll, itâll be like Iâm not even here.
I WILL EAT YOUR BONES AND SHIT YOUR BLOOD Heâs ah, heâs joking, sweetheart! Oh, no, no, Iâm gonna eat that kid! Skulldrich, havenât you done enough? Can you please just go home? As you wish! Oh yeah, we're neighbours now! You really are a a big fuck.
A big fuck of a man, you know that? Oh, by the way I really hope you like snakes, cause all your water? Well, I transformed it into snakes! See ya! SENATOR QUINN: I have put up with this sort of situation, as we all have, for a very long time.
I feel revulsion.
These dirty, stinking Wizzos, who needs them? Theyâve caused us no end of problems and it has to stop here.
I donât care where they came from.
They can go back there.
We can do it together.
We can make these pointy-hatted long fiddlers rack off! MORGAN WRIGHT: Well Jack, tonight weâve really put you through your paces.
But I never pull any punches when push comes to shove.
And I think youâll agree that the chips are down and the gig is up! Itâs time for you to put your money where your mouth is.
Well, technically I have nine mouths, so Well it's time to put them to good use.
In the spirit of fairness Jack, I'm going to give you the last word.
Your last Wrights! You have ten seconds.
Ok, well um- Ten I know that Wizard-kind have made a really bad impression.
-Nine I know Iâve made a really bad impression.
And Iâm sorry- Eight but the reason I agreed to do this interview is that I know that this can work! Yes, we seem scary - and yes there are a few bad apples -like really bad, murdery apples But most of us aren't like that! Most of us are good, salt of the earth, pointy hatted folk.
And I know, in all three of my hearts, that we can make this work! Because at the end of the day, you and me? We're really not so different.
Jack! Oh, uh sorry, um Sometimes when I'm nervous, I can I can cause gravity to, kind of break? MORGAN: Susan? Make sure you put Jack on the list of guests never to return to the show.
HONK!!!
Okay, I'll just-I'll just leave then, should I? You don't want magic? Fuck you, you don't want magic! Itâs a fucking crazy battle! What are you doing? Focus! Don't sass! Now, what sort of of a way is that to talk to a lady? And that, is why you don't sass! Come on! "Hey Jack, you want to flirt?" Okey-dokey, where shall we do it? "How about on a dangerous battlefield?" Gee, that sounds like fun! I hope you don't end up with Axe-Face! Gghhrrrr! Mggrhhhhhr, Goblin That's a fucking bummer! Hey, guys! Donât go near the dragon.
I know it's for the king Knights: FOR THE KING!! I picked a helluva day to stop drinking! The fuck is wrong with these people? Okay, cool! Ah, you guys got this, right? Sweetie sweetie peteetie.
Well, Iâm going to see myself out.
Ah, donât get up! I see youâve got your hands full of fire.
You fucking idiots.
Fuck this place.
So, ah that was my last day.
I figured I was done with that place, and I just needed to find somewhere rational to live.
Here! And so that's why you migrated to Melbourne, is it? Uh, in a nutshell yeah? Footscray has cheap rent, but anywhere in the human realm would've been ah fine.
Mmmmmmm.
Mmmmm? W-w-what do you mean, 'Mmmm'? Morgan, if that stuff happened here It would be the most significant day in your history.
For me, that was Tuesday.
Listen, Jack If that is in face your real name I canât honestly say that I know what itâs like to grow up in an arcane vortex of ancient eldritch energy.
Wizard realm, is fine.
Whatevs.
What I can say, however, is if I was to move to the Wizard Realm myself Which clearly, I'm never gonna do- Good, don't.
- and I destroyed a national monument, I would hardly be welcomed by an adoring public, would I? Honestly Morgan, you might be crowned king.
Not even joking - that's how we crowned our last king! People back home are fucking psychos man- Whoa, Jack, Jack, Jack Jack! That's not the sort of language we accept here here on 'The Wright Perspective', Sorry.
Um, sorry! Swearing isn't really a thing for me, It's kind of a new custom.
Nobody back home worries about it because there's way more dangerous words to say.
Like, for example, if you say 'Fjormangander'- Then that happens - I'm so sorry, Morgan.
Swearing's one thing, Jack, but you're going to have to learn to hold your heathen tongue.
We speak Australian in this country, not Abra-ca-ding-dong.
Best you remember that! Everybody alright? Nobody's hurt? He didn't turn anyone into a Baby Bones, did he? Cameraman: Umm No, uh but Susan's a goose now Honk!! Jack, I'm sick of you beating around the bush.
Let's cut to the chase and get down to brass tacks.
Wh-what? I want to see you try and smooth over this prickly business from last week.
Oh, no we don't need to- Roll the clip! Reporter: I stand just metres away from where mere hours ago, the iconic Flinders' Street Station proudly stood.
Now, as Australian's we're used to killer fish, but we're not talking about a Great White.
We're talking about the aquatic atrosity that left citizens with nothing to do - but flounder.
As this amateur footage shows: These teenagers, innocently testing the smell of spray paint had no idea what was about to unfold when this man let out a sneeze so powerful It transformed this historic train station, into a giant, fishy mess.
Good question; No, I have not seen anything quite like this before.
It's a disgrace.
As a vegetarian; I'm offended.
As a pescatarian; I'm not offended enough.
This is a disgrace! Typical metro - it's been three hours and still the trains haven't turned up.
It's a disgrace.
I tell you, Jack, that there footage, it boils my blood, it chills me to the bone.
And overall generally Iâm lukewarm, Iâm room temp.
The camera doesn't lie, Jack.
You canât deny thatâs not you, anymore than you can deny that Iâm this handsome.
Youâve been caught with your hands in the Tim Tam jar, you might say.
Bang to Wrights! You, my friend are up shhhh sugar creek.
Without so much as a paddle pop.
Or even a Golden Gaytime - remember those folks? 'Fishy Thursday', if that's what we're calling it it was a complete accident, and I'm sorry! I want everybody to know that I'm now living completely magic free.
Not a spell, not a curse, not a hex - not a nothin'! And Iâm sorry, but I don't think that itâs fair that Iâve been lumped in with other people of my community, who donât respect the laws, who donât respect the people, who donât the culture.
They're criminals, and we're not all like that.
Iâm, Iâm, Iâm not like that.
G'day, Matey Potatey! Oh, Iâll come to you.
You just - One sec! Oh, sorry, mate.
She just really got away from me.
Oh no, donât stress, mate.
All good.
Sheâs a big girl, hey? Ha! Needs plenty of SPACE! I just threw them into space! What are you doing here? Why canât you just leave me alone? Oh well, I heard youâd moved to the human realm and I thought, PFFFT sounds like a bit of fun! Skulldrich, this is a peaceful place.
I donât need you here to fuck this up! Itâs boring back home without you, Jack! We had a good thing going, you and me.
Iâd set a fire, youâd put it out.
Youâd save a princess, Iâd set her on fire! Full circle! I mean, I miss that, donât you? No, I donât.
Now, go get! This is a normal place for normal people.
I just want to be normal! The last thing I need in my head is another fucking Baby Bones.
Look, Iâm all about integration, alright? Itâll, itâll be like Iâm not even here.
I WILL EAT YOUR BONES AND SHIT YOUR BLOOD Heâs ah, heâs joking, sweetheart! Oh, no, no, Iâm gonna eat that kid! Skulldrich, havenât you done enough? Can you please just go home? As you wish! Oh yeah, we're neighbours now! You really are a a big fuck.
A big fuck of a man, you know that? Oh, by the way I really hope you like snakes, cause all your water? Well, I transformed it into snakes! See ya! SENATOR QUINN: I have put up with this sort of situation, as we all have, for a very long time.
I feel revulsion.
These dirty, stinking Wizzos, who needs them? Theyâve caused us no end of problems and it has to stop here.
I donât care where they came from.
They can go back there.
We can do it together.
We can make these pointy-hatted long fiddlers rack off! MORGAN WRIGHT: Well Jack, tonight weâve really put you through your paces.
But I never pull any punches when push comes to shove.
And I think youâll agree that the chips are down and the gig is up! Itâs time for you to put your money where your mouth is.
Well, technically I have nine mouths, so Well it's time to put them to good use.
In the spirit of fairness Jack, I'm going to give you the last word.
Your last Wrights! You have ten seconds.
Ok, well um- Ten I know that Wizard-kind have made a really bad impression.
-Nine I know Iâve made a really bad impression.
And Iâm sorry- Eight but the reason I agreed to do this interview is that I know that this can work! Yes, we seem scary - and yes there are a few bad apples -like really bad, murdery apples But most of us aren't like that! Most of us are good, salt of the earth, pointy hatted folk.
And I know, in all three of my hearts, that we can make this work! Because at the end of the day, you and me? We're really not so different.
Jack! Oh, uh sorry, um Sometimes when I'm nervous, I can I can cause gravity to, kind of break? MORGAN: Susan? Make sure you put Jack on the list of guests never to return to the show.
HONK!!!