The Worst Week of My Life (2004) s01e01 Episode Script

(Man) What did I do to deserve this? I know the week leading up to your wedding isn't going to be the smoothest, but, ultimately, it's meant to be the best week of your life.
(Sighs) - Morning.
- Morning.
How long have you been looking at me? Hours.
Can't take my eyes off you.
- Come here.
- Mmm.
Mmm.
Nice way to start the week.
Mmm.
- You're going to be late for work.
- I'll be very quick.
- (Phone) - No.
- Now? - (Phone persists) - Hello? - (Sighs) Oh, hello, Mum.
Ye Calm down.
Calm down, Mum.
Just tell me what's happened.
Right, OK.
Yeah.
Deep breaths, Mum.
It's important to keep breathing.
- They've delivered the wrong chairs.
- (Sighs) No.
Killing yourself wouldn't help things.
Look Why don't Howard and I come down? We'll help you sort it out.
Yeah.
Tonight's fine.
No, of course it's not a problem.
OK, all right, yeah.
We'll see you later.
All right, yeah.
Bye, bye.
- (Sighs) - (Sighs) The chairs they've delivered for the reception are conference chairs, - not banquet dining chairs.
- Oh no.
We can only get nine chairs round a table, not ten.
So there's a problem with the seating plan.
- Oh dear.
- (Sighs) - I said we'd help them sort it out.
- Yes.
Yes, I heard.
Oh, well.
It's another evening at your parents'.
We're having the wedding there, the reception.
We could go the whole hog and have the honeymoon there as well.
Howard, don't you like my family? Of course I like your family! (Sighs) - I'm just not sure if they like me.
- No, they do like you! They just don't know you very well.
Whereas I know you extremely well.
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
(Phone) - Mum says we need bridesmaids' gifts.
- It's on my list.
- She asked if you called the video man.
- Yeah, last night.
Raring to go.
- And, er, don't forget the ring.
- I'm picking it up on my way to work.
(The Bangles: Manic Monday on radio) So this is it? - The big week.
- Yeah.
Nervous? - I'm terrified.
What about you? - Oh God! Why didn't we get married on a beach, just the two of us? Hey.
Because your family want you to have the most wonderful day of your life.
And my dad wants to get rat-arsed at your father's expense.
- Oh, do you have to go to work today? - Yep, sorry, honey.
Neville's called a meeting to discuss my future.
Whatever that means.
- You're not going to get fired, are you? - Of course not.
I'm on budget, hitting my targets.
I'm doing very well.
I think.
- (Woman) Morning, Howard! - Good weekend, Eve? Oh, yes! I made 22 jars of greengage jam.
Left one on your desk.
Oh! Thank you.
When's this meeting with Neville happening? Oh, he said he'd call down.
You need to sign off the Latimer cover before you go.
- He didn't say what it was about, did he? - No, never mentioned it.
Paul from Times-lt has called.
Oh, and Mel called.
- Asked if you've got the ring.
- Just picked it up from the jewellers.
- Could you call her? - Absolutely.
Was there something else? - I just wondered if I could look at it.
- Oh.
Yes.
Help yourself.
Oh! - Oh! It's lovely! - It's been in Mel's family for 150 years.
They have a charming tradition where they pass it down through generations.
Eve? What is it? Sorry, I always get like this about weddings.
Oh, don't cry.
I always wanted a fairytale wedding of my own.
- Well, there's still time.
- Do you really think so? - Yes! - Oh, I don't think so.
Just you believe it.
One day you'll have a ring just like this on your finger.
Oh! In my dreams.
Try it on.
See what it feels like.
Oh, I can't do that.
It's bad luck.
Come on! Oh! It's lovely! (Phone) Hi, Mel! I was just about to call you.
Yes.
I picked it up on my way in.
He's reduced it by three millimetres, so it should fit pretty snugly now.
- What are you doing? - I can't get it off.
No, no! You're gonna be really pleased with it.
- (Whispers) Don't mess about.
- No, really! It's stuck! Yeah! They've done a superb job.
- Well, get it off! - I'm trying! I can't wait to show it to your grandmother tonight.
- For God's sake, Eve! - Gah! Oh, just pack me a toothbrush and a pair of boxers.
I'm getting married in five days! When I put the ring on my fiancée's finger, it would be nice if my secretary was not attached! No, nothing's wrong! Look, I've got to dash, so I'll see you later.
- (All) Surprise! - (Party blowers) Don't do it, our man! It's a trap.
You'll spend the rest of your life at IKEA.
We couldn't let you get married without a sendoff.
(Cheering) Oh! God Six days to execution, you great bender! Thank you, Dominic.
- (Slurs) Now, if I might say a few words.
- (Groaning) Go to the kitchen.
There's some Utterly Butterly in the fridge.
So, we'd like to wish you and Mel every happiness and hope you have a great day on Saturday.
- (Applause) - One other thing.
You have been talking in the last few weeks about starting a family, so we thought we'd buy you and Mel another little something.
It's a little bit cheeky, but I'm sure it will come in useful very soon.
(Laughter) - Speech! - Speech! Howard, Howard! Do a Grand Prix.
Spray the champagne.
Yes.
Er, thank you, Neville.
Thank you, all of you.
Um - Come on! - I don't know what to say.
I've got something to say.
What's that, Cassie? I'm having your baby.
What? Very good.
Excuse me.
Cassie! - What's going on? - What? What do you mean you're having my baby? You want me to spell it out? I'm giving birth to our child.
- It's impossible.
- No.
We slept together.
- We slept together once! - You must have hit the bullseye.
Cassie, it was two years ago.
- What's all this about? - Don't marry Mel! - What? - I love you! Look, we had one night, which was very pleasant.
It was more than very pleasant.
It was paradise.
Your soft hands caressing me.
Your fingers, exploring every inch of me.
Your tongue, like a feather, flicking over my skin.
Cassie.
I shuddered and groaned with every touch.
- That's flattering - Nobody's made love like that to me.
- Sorry about this.
- You deep inside me! - Stop it! - Don't tell me that didn't mean anything! - (Lift bell) - (Breathing heavily) - It's not too late to call it off! - What? - The wedding! - I'm not calling it off! Marry me! Mm! Get off! I'm not going to let you marry her! (Car horns) (Sighs) Good grief.
She's mad.
Completely bonkers.
Anyway, thanks for organising this.
Let's get this party swinging! Tuck in, everyone! Have a mini Kiev.
Cassie and I did have a thing at the Christmas party, but that was two years ago, so there's no way she's having my baby.
She just said all that cos she's not too keen on me marrying Mel.
Anyway, somebody open that damn champagne.
- Ooh, and let's see what this is.
- No, no, don't bother.
- No, I want to.
- No, Howard.
What can it be, what can it be? It's a pregnancy testing kit.
Thank you, Neville.
Come on! Keep pulling! (Moaning) (Tinkling) (Rattling) I'll, er, get a plumber.
So, good day at the office? Mmm.
- How was your meeting? - Oh, fine.
No problems.
I had Mum on the phone all day driving me crazy.
Oh, I spoke to Granny.
She's really looking forward to seeing the ring.
- Really? - Yeah.
Ooh, Mel! I've got a tiny confession about that.
- What? You haven't lost it, have you? - Lost it? - Of course I haven't.
- Where is it? - Back at the office.
- At the office? Where? - Just, you know, I left it in my desk.
- You left it lying around your desk? Initially, yes.
Then I thought, "That's a stupid idea.
" So I put it in the safe.
- You've got a safe in your office? - Yes, we have and it's perfectly safe.
- In the safe.
- I told you to bring it with you! I know, I know.
I'm sorry.
I just forgot.
I phoned you twice to remind you.
You're getting a bit close to the lorry.
Granny will be disappointed.
Very close.
Very close indeed now! It's a very large, very articulated lorry! (Horn) - Yeah, and you! - (Car horns) - Are we in a hurry, darling? - Yes.
I said we'd be there by six.
Mum wants to get on with dinner, so she can do the seating plan.
Oh, fine.
Did she say what she was cooking? - Stew, I think.
- Ah.
Which one? I don't know.
The brown one, or the green one? - I think she said it was lamb goulash.
- The brown one.
Apparently, you told her it was your favourite, the best meal you'd ever had.
Mum! How's my favourite mother-in-law to be? Sit down.
Look! See! Far too wide.
We'll never get ten people to a table.
Don't worry.
The rescue team have arrived to solve the seating problem.
- Don't tell me not to worry.
- No, I I've been on the phone all day to that stupid company, passed between departments and put on hold.
If I hear another verse of Greensleeves, I'll scream.
- Can we get in the house, Mum? - (Sighs) - Binky! Hello! Hello! - Ooh, ho-ho! Hello, Binky.
I've got something for you, Binky.
- Ooh.
- Ginger.
- Howard, I think he doesn't like ginger.
- (Growls) - Sorry.
It's the only place it could be.
- Oh no.
We'll have to get into the main sewer.
If we only had one-legged guests coming, we'd be fine, plenty of legroom.
- But we don't.
- I'm sure there's a simple solution.
Oh, good.
Perhaps you'd let me know what it is.
Oh, well, er - Sophie! - How's my favourite sister-in-law to be? Have you seen what I'm meant to be wearing? - It's elegant.
- It's crap! - Oh, for goodness' sake.
- It's OK for you.
You'll be in 20 feet of crushed white silk and I'll be waddling in this piece of crap.
- Sophie! - No.
I'm not wearing it.
For goodness' sake.
Don't be silly.
- Take it away.
I'll go like this.
- Sophie! The whole idea is that all the bridesmaids' dresses match, isn't it, Howard? Howard? Oh, absolutely.
All the bridesmaids' breasts should match.
Er, I think I'm going to go catch up with your dad.
Oh, and how's my favourite father-in-law to be? Hello, Howard.
- Oh! How's the wall coming on? - Churchill was right.
Bricklaying is a wonderful cure for stress.
- Oh, absolutely.
- Have you tried it? - Er, no, I haven't.
- Then how do you know? I don't, I suppose.
(Sighs) So, send anyone down today? - Sorry? - Send anyone down today? - How do you mean? - Did you send anyone to prison? - No, not today.
- Ah.
Feeling lenient, then, were you? - No, I wasn't in court today.
- Ah.
- I rarely work Mondays.
- I see.
- I've been building my wall.
- Right.
I'd, er quite like to have been a judge.
Silence in court! I sentence you to life imprisonment.
Objection, Your Honour.
Overruled.
May I approach the bench? Permission to die.
Case dismissed.
- Can I have my trowel back? - Yes, of course.
Well, the wall's looking good.
Er I think I'd better go and unpack.
Good talking to you.
(Whimpering) No, no, no, no, no! - Lamb goulash.
- Oh.
- Your favourite, Howard.
- Thank you, Angela.
- Ooh.
- Right.
Tuck in, everyone.
Ooh.
- How is it, Howard? - Mm.
Mm.
I like a man who likes his food.
(Giggles) Which reminds me.
Cousin Libby has suddenly become a vegetarian.
Do you think we have enough vegetarian options? For five minutes, can we please not talk about the wedding? What a splendid idea.
So.
How are things in the world of publishing, Howard? Oh, er, very good, Angela, thanks.
I've got a brilliant new writer, Shane Latimer, who I've poached from another publisher.
He's gonna be huge.
Should make myself and the future Mrs Steel here very comfortably off.
- Shane Latimer? - Yeah, yeah.
Do you know him? Didn't he write Campus Sluts? Yes, yes.
I, um I believe that was one of his, yes, er That was actually for the other publisher.
Um, not as bad as it sounds.
- I know.
I've read it.
- Did you? And, er - Absolutely filthy.
- Yeah, well, um - The one I'm doing with him is - Some hardcore stuff.
Quite graphic.
- This one's pretty tame.
- There's too much sex about these days.
- People are obsessed with it.
- I agree.
Absolutely.
It's everywhere.
In the newspapers.
On the television.
The last thing we need is more sex on the bookshelves.
Dick, I couldn't agree with you more.
- So.
What's this new book called, then? - Hot And Hard.
Um It's actually about a chap that crosses the Sahara desert.
It's, er I mean, it's hot because it's the Sahara desert and hard because it's not very easy.
Perhaps we should talk about the wedding.
- Hello, Granny.
- Hi, Granny.
- I'm afraid we've started, Ma.
- Oh.
It's the lamb goulash.
I don't think I'll bother.
So.
Let's have a look at the ring.
Yes.
I was going to bring the ring.
But, what with everything being crazy at the office, I simply forgot.
- Well where is it? - Don't worry.
It's in the safe at the office.
- You have a safe in your office? - Yes, yeah.
Binky! Get down.
- Has Mel told you the ring's history? - No.
No.
- Binky! - He's a little rascal, isn't he? Ooh.
Let's have a look at you, you little rascal.
Queen Victoria gave that ring to my great-grandmother for her wedding.
- Did she? Did she really? - (Whining) - Hello? Hello, Howard.
- The ring.
A gift from Queen Victoria.
Oh! That's nice.
- Any closer to finding it? - We're working on it.
Great.
Oh.
Sorry, Howard.
I didn't know you were Dick! No! Dick? All this trouble because that stupid company can't deliver the right chairs.
Look, we could move the Dentons to table 4.
No, no.
Roger has to be near the loos.
At Vanessa's wedding, he got stuck in a corner.
- He just didn't make it in time.
- I remember that wedding.
They had a marquee in November.
It was bloody freezing.
You can see the steam coming off Roger's trousers in the video.
- Are you all right, Dick? - Pardon? You look like you've seen a ghost.
- Angela, he was inspecting his stools.
- What? Howard.
Stools.
Don't be ridiculous.
We're not sitting on stools.
You can't invite 150 people to a wedding and expect them to sit on stools.
Right.
OK.
What if you split the Hendersons across two tables? Swap the Faulkners with Cousin Libby and Ray.
Move the Wilkinsons next to the Laycocks.
Put Wing Commander Phillips next to the Schmidts and pray he doesn't go on about the bombing of Dresden.
Yes! Mel! You've done it! Well done! (Grunts) Ye-ugh.
(Sighs) What is it? I'll take a closer look tomorrow when it's light.
We were just standing here and then we heard these thuds.
- Thud, thud, it went.
- Yeah, it was spooky.
- Scared the living daylights out of me.
- I've never seen anything like it.
- Perhaps it was a bird.
- A bird? - What kind of bird could do that? - Do you think it's those squirrels? I knew we should have done something about them.
They'll make the lives of the caterers on Saturday absolute hell.
Oh, I don't think it was the squirrels.
- Ah.
Stilton.
- Mel has cracked the seating plan.
Really? Ah, that's wonderful.
Aww.
Well done, Melly! Yes! Dick.
I know you're wondering what I was doing earlier.
I know what it looked like.
But I can assure you I wasn't fishing my excrement out of your lavatory and throwing it onto your conservatory.
- (Mobile) - I was Sorry.
It's my secretary.
I've got to get this.
- Eve? - I've got it! - What? - The ring! It was in the main sewer.
Oh, fantastic.
Well done, Eve.
Er, bring it down tomorrow.
- I was going to send it registered mail.
- No.
It might get lost again.
- Bring it first thing.
- Oh.
Fine.
Good girl.
Yes! Here.
- Oh.
Thanks.
- Thank you.
Splendid news.
The ring will be arriving tomorrow.
(Sniffs) So that's splendid news, isn't it? About the ring arriving tomorrow.
- Where's, er, Granny gone? - She's gone up.
Sophie too.
I'll look forward to showing her the ring, when it arrives tomorrow.
- How's the seating plan going? - Not too close, Howard.
Of course.
Um Look, I'm sorry about, er the other seating plan, Angela.
Oh! My word! You did look stunning on your wedding day, Angela.
Well! I was a lot younger then.
And, er, how old are you in this one? 30? - No! 50-something.
- Never.
You don't look a day over 30! Excuse me! It's me you're marrying, not my mother.
I dunno.
Still time to change my mind, eh, Angela? - Brandy? - Thank you, Dick.
Actually, while I've got you together, I'd like to propose a toast.
To you, Dick and Angela.
Wonderful parents, wonderful family.
A family I'm really looking forward to being part of.
Let's hope this week's memorable for all of us.
Time for my bed.
Um, actually, Dick, um Just before you go, er If it's not too inconvenient, I would quite like Mel and myself to have separate bedrooms.
Oh? It's traditional that the couple keep their distance in the week leading up to the wedding day and I'd like to respect that.
I'll make up the spare room.
Oh, isn't that sweet, Dick? Oh, and Dick.
About earlier - I'm going to bed.
- Right.
- Night, Dad.
- Goodnight, darling.
Goodnight Dad.
- Mmm.
So what happened earlier? - Oh.
Nothing, nothing.
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
See you in five minutes.
My room's second on the right.
- What? - We've got unfinished business.
- I'm not coming to your room.
- Why? I just told your parents about separate bedrooms.
- You weren't being serious, were you? - Yes, yes! I really want your parents to like me.
I'll see you in five minutes.
(Creaking) (Creaking floorboards) (Growling) (Growling) (Whining) (Creaking) Mmm.
Mm.
Mmm.
(Angela) Oh! Mmm.
(Clattering) (Screams) - I want to make love to you - (Screams) - Who was it? - No one.
- I hope you're not chatting me up.
- No.
- (Screams) - My nipples were like cocktail sausages.
Someone's urinated in the grandfather clock.
- I'm trying to make things better! - You're making them worse!