The Yard (2011) s01e01 Episode Script
The Economy
- Okay, we got the cameras up? - Rolling.
Sound ready? All right, let's get going.
Uh, slate Nick.
[Man.]
: So, Nick, uh, do you wanna tell us how things work around here? You wanna know how it works around here? Take a look around.
This is the yard.
This is our world.
It belongs to all of us.
You got your jocks fighting for space with the rope-skipping crew, You got your nerds, your dorks, your popular girls, your unpopular girls, the in-betweeners, all just trying to do their own thing.
Play what they wanna play.
And in order for that to happen and all of this shit to go smoothly, they need a leader.
Right now, that's me.
So, this is my crew-- Basically, the good guys.
That's Johnny.
He thinks he has magical powers, but Ow! That's Suzi.
She solves a lot of problems that can't be solved with words, if you know what I mean.
[Groans.]
That's my brother, J.
J.
He's one of the smartest kids in school-- Thinks everything can be solved with words.
But it doesn't really work that way around here.
That's my other brother, Adam.
He's just a little kid.
All he wants to do is play.
That's all most kids want to do, just play and have snacks.
And that's all it takes to make most kids happy.
Except for some kids.
Like Frankie and his crew.
They're only happy when they're making other kids miserable.
Ow! What the! There are the brothers, Pork Chop and Mickey, and their leader, Frankie.
He's a real fucking pain in my ass, always trying to take me down.
Then there's Frankie's sister, Mary.
Mary's like the leader of the girls' crew because she's like the most popular girl in school.
But I don't really get why.
Sure, she's cool and really smart, but I have no idea why the boys like her so much.
But she's the leader of the girls, so, even though I don't like it, I have to put up with her.
It's part of my job.
See, kids playing is like adults going to work, and my job is to keep everything going smoothly-- Make sure everyone's doing what they're supposed to do, everything's in balance.
'Cause when that doesn't happen, the whole system falls apart.
[Locker door slams shut.]
You can tell the system's working when the yard is noisy.
A noisy yard is a peaceful yard.
[Hip-hop music.]
I'm 'a tell you somethin' I was on the mic and my shit was killing Panties on the floor and the party's done So I made an invitation - [Kid.]
: Cool.
- To the ladies in the house But when the yard gets quiet, I get nervous.
Morning, boys.
Whatcha got in the bag? - None of your beeswax.
- Yeah, none of your freakin' beeswax.
- I hate those frickin' guys.
- Don't say the F-word! - I said frickin', not fuckin'! - Hey! What are they doing, Nick? What do you think they're up to? Want me to check it out? - Yeah.
- Hey, Nick! Let me go! I got my invisibility ring on.
If I activate it, I can walk up to Frankie and his crew and he won't even know I was there.
I can give him a wedgie and he'll think, like, God gave him a wedgie.
That ring don't work.
Only thing it made disappear is your brain.
- F-you! - Language.
- Lick my balls.
- Whoa! - Take it easy, you two.
Johnny, I'm gonna save your invisibility ring for something more important.
Suzi, you go.
- [Man.]
: So, why does Frankie make you nervous? - 'Cause he's a total douche.
And besides, he already runs the lunch racket, so he's already pretty powerful as is.
[Man.]
: The lunch racket? What is that? It's the oldest racket in the book.
It's basically just bullies taking other kids' lunches, But Frankie's crew has turned it into a science.
See, we worked out this schedule so that each kid gives us their lunches the exact number of times as all the other kids do.
That way it's fair for everyone.
And in return, we give 'em protection.
- [Man.]
: Protection from what? - From getting hurt.
- [Man.]
: Who would hurt them? - Wellus.
But only if they don't give us their lunches.
It's a fair system.
You got a problem with that? - Yeah, you got a problem with that? - [Man.]
: Uh, no.
Today's the day I'm supposed to give Frankie my lunch.
But my Mom fell off the wagowhwheel, so all I got today is mini-corn and de-alcoholized beer But that's not gonna be good enough.
I mean, how're they gonna even open up the can? But if I don't give Frankie and his crew something good, they're gonna beat me up, and if my mom's boyfriend, Cameron, finds out I got beat up at school, then he's gonna beat me up.
And he hits hard.
[Man.]
: So, why do you let Frankie run the lunch racket? I don't like it, but it keeps him and his crew contained to the lunchroom.
And they need to be contained.
If they took control of the yard, it'd be a disaster.
What'd you find out? Frankie's crew They got these new trading cards.
- New Ju-Ji-Mon's? - Nuh-uh.
They're totally new.
They're called Ho-Ping-Kong.
They're exactly like Ju-Ji-Mon, - only totally different.
- Different how? - Well, for one thing, they're round! Awesome! - Yeah, I know.
- Round cards sound way cooler! Yeah.
Their dad brought 'em back from Buffalo when he went on a business trip.
Frankie says it's the new big thing.
He says nobody plays Ju-Ji-Mon there anymore.
And their dad brought him like 50 packs and they're selling them for five bucks each.
- Five bucks?! - Who has that kind of cash? - Anyone buying them? - The cool kids are.
- Holy schmoly! - Two packs.
You bought two packs? Why did you do that? 'Cause all the kids were saying they think they're sick.
- Fuck.
You know what this could mean? - Yeah.
- [Man.]
: What could this mean? - It could mean total chaos.
Frankie's crew could take control of the yard and get rich doing it.
It could mean the collapse of our entire financial system! [Man.]
: You have a financial system? Well, sure.
Every society has a financial system.
[Man.]
: So how does it work? Well, see, most kids don't have much money, and never have.
So we use trading cards.
[Nick.]
: For a while, there was Winnie Wizard Discs.
Before that, it was Ninja Luck cards.
And then my Dad told me, when he was my age, kids traded something called "hockey cards".
Or, like, over a year now, it's been these Ju-Ji-Mons.
If you want to buy stuff, or things, you use trading cards-- Ju-Ji-Mons.
[Nick.]
: They're TGCs, Trading Game Cards.
Kids have contests with other kids, and if you win, then you get to keep the other kid's cards.
This one kid, Alistair, six months ago, he was nothing.
Nobody.
Nobody could even remember his name.
But then everyone started playing Ju-Ji-Mons and I don't know how to explain it.
Alistair, he had skills.
Mad skills.
Best player in the yard.
He built an empire.
Guess that makes you my bitch, bitch.
Who you callin' a bitch, bitch? Ultra Phantom Rare Sorceress Warlock.
Guess I'm callin' You my bitch, bitch! - [Kids.]
: Ooooh! - Ungh! Yeah.
- How do you like me now, bitch? - [Nick.]
: His success was a beacon to all the other nerds in the yard.
It gave them hope.
It proved that if you had talent, and applied yourself, you could become cool.
- Hey, you wanna hear my rap? - [Man.]
: Uh, sure.
Once I was a nerd I was a fuckin' little dork Treated like a turd you wouldn't touch with a fork Then I started playing cards and my skills were fuckin' crazy Now I got all the girls on my jock like I was crazy When I walk down the halls I'm the motherfuckin' man Why does a dog lick its balls? [Both.]
: Because it can! Word.
At first, kids just traded cards for other cards.
But then they started trading cards for other things.
Like, for instance, you can trade a bowl of Jell-O for one Ju-Ji-Mon.
Two Ju-Ji-Mons'll getcha a plate of fries.
- If you want gravy, that's three cards.
- For four Ju-Ji-Mons, Danny Steele will give you a haircut.
For five Ju-Ji-Mons, I could get you a pellet gun.
[Kids.]
: Ooooh! Fifteen Ju-Ji-Mons will get you a porno mag.
Fifty Ju-Ji-Mons, Patti will hold your hand.
Sixty Ju-Ji-Mons, I could make a guy disappear.
[Nick.]
: It was a simple system.
Everyone knew what a Ju-Ji-Mon was worth.
But then things got a little bit more complex.
Kids started trading cards for things they didn't even have yet.
Like, say a kid had a Ju-Ji-Mon another kid really wanted, and that kid really liked chocolate pudding.
So, you promise the kid two of your puddings in the future for his Ju-Ji-Mon today, even though the Ju-Ji-Mon is only worth one.
Some kids would promise their whole year of puddings away like that.
- Like, this kid, Charlie.
- Pff! He was fuckin' huge.
He went totally crazy for Ju-Ji-Mon, and he sold off almost his entire year's worth of lunches.
All he had left was Carrots.
A lot of kids have sunk everything they have into Ju-Ji-Mons.
So if all of a sudden nobody thinks these cards are cool anymore, that's gonna hurt a lot of kids, and not just today, but into the future.
I'm not saying the system's perfect, but it's the one we got.
And as screwed-up as it is, it works in a weird way.
Alistair's popular for once in his life, and he's dating Patti, who otherwise would be way out of his league.
And Charlie's losing weight.
Besides, how do you tell a kid that the cards he traded for a year's worth of desserts aren't cool anymore? Candy gram? That's not a bad idea.
[Girls jumping rope.]
: January, February, March, April, May, June You're returning those cards.
- Whaddaya mean? - I mean, you're taking those cards back to Frankie and tell him you don't want them.
- But I do want them.
- Yeah, well, I say you don't.
But they cost me ten bucks.
Yeah? And where'd you get that ten bucks from? You want everyone to find out about that? I, um got kinda a little fuckin' bladder control problem.
My mom gives me a buck for every time I don't piss in my bed.
Last month I made like 12 bucks.
Oh, come on, Nick.
You wouldn't do that to me! Look, this isn't just about what's best for you.
It's about what's best for all the kids in the yard.
[Mickey.]
: Hey, Cory! Hey, Cory! Hold up, we wanna talk to you! You know what day it is? It's Cory day! AKA, cough up what you owe day.
I don't have it right now, but I'm gonna get it.
Honest! You better have it by lunch.
Or well, Pork Chop can explain.
I'll have it, Frankie, I swear Hey! This isn't the lunchroom.
It's the yard.
It's my turf.
Maybe for now, Nick.
What you want? A little of this action? You know something, Frankie, I would if I was a douche, but I'm not, so I don't.
Maybe you should watch your mouth, or you might wind up wearing your underwear as a hat, if you know what I'm saying.
I don't get it.
He's saying, I'm gonna take his underwear, pull it out of his pants and then he's gonna stretch it all the way up, until-- Thanks, guys, but I'm not here to fight.
Just to correct a little mistake.
Suzi here accidentally bought some of these little cards of yours before realizing how stupid they are.
Isn't that right, Suzi? So, she'll give you back your cards, you'll give her back her money, and we'll be on our way.
Ha, ha, ha.
You're so funny, I forgot to laugh.
No refunds, dick nibbler.
Well, in that case, I'll have to refund Suzi myself.
What, did your dad finally get his welfare check? - [Kids.]
: Ooooh.
- Ju-Ji-Mons still rule.
- Well, not according to Mona Arizona.
- [Kids.]
: What? Yeah, that's right, Nick.
Check out her website.
- Mona Arizona - She says Ho-Ping-Kongs are the new cool cards.
[School bell rings.]
What? You didn't hear the bell? J.
J.
, this Mona Arizona thing Check it out for me.
I still don't get it.
I'll explain on the way in.
Yeah, I'm pretty heavy into the Ju-Ji-Mon thing.
I've got the most of any kid in school.
I spent all my allowance on them, I played with them every single recess.
I've worked my ass off for every card I've got.
So, yeah, I'm a little scared right now, because if Ju-Ji-Mons aren't cool anymore, I don't know what I'll do.
But no matter what happens, with Patti by my side, I can make it through anything.
Well you better run Somebody's calling you and you better run Run when I say Somebody's calling you You better run Run when I say Somebody's calling you I feel like [Kid.]
: These Ho-Ping-Kongs are so cool! Oh, my God Nick? Nick? Did you see that, Nick? Those kids are going crazy for Ho-Ping-Kongs.
Keep your pants on, Alistair.
It's just one table.
This guy in my class named Leon bought a pack and he was showing them off to all the kids and everybody got so excited that the teacher took the cards away.
So that's good, right? Maybe they'll take them all away.
Mm-mm.
Nope.
The more teachers confiscate them, the more kids'll want them.
It'll just drive up the value.
Drive UP the value? Jesus H.
Christ on a popsicle stick! I could lose everything.
O.
K.
, hold on, Alistair.
Everything's coming at me all at once.
I need to think.
- Nick, I'm sorry to bother you.
- What is it? Well, it's my day to give Frankie my lunch, - and he's gonna kill me-- - Relax, relax.
Here.
Take mine.
I lost my appetite, anyway.
- Thanks, Nick.
You want this? - Sure, what the hell.
Thanks, Nick.
I'll find a way to pay you back.
Don't worry about it.
Here you go, Frankie.
Just like I promised.
- The fuck you get this? - Um, Nick gave it to me.
- What the fuck? - Yeah, Cory, what the fuck? - Looks like you made quite a mess, Cory.
Maybe you better clean it up.
Come on, guys.
Let's go sort this shit out.
Nick, this is the lunch room.
It's not your turf.
Why are you messing with my business in here? 'Cause you're worried I'm going to take over the yard with these Ho-Ping-Kongs? Why fight it? It's inevitable.
Tell you what, I'll cut you a break.
I'll see you some half-price, 'cause I know your family doesn't have a lot of money.
[Suzi.]
: Hey, shut the fuck up! - My dad's rich.
- Yeah.
His dad's rich as shit! And if these cards take off, we're gonna be rich, too.
Yeah, totally rich as shit.
[He passes gas.]
What? Ow! What! Ew Heh-heh, more space for me.
Wimps.
- Frankie's so stupid.
You wanna know why? - [Man.]
: Yeah, sure.
Cause he's always talking about how his dad is so rich and how our dad is so poor, but you wanna know what? [Man.]
: Uh, what? Our dad has two jobs and his dad only has one, which means our dad is twice as rich as his dad.
Oh, wait, I forgot.
My dad said I'm not supposed to sell the cards to losers.
What's up? Patti?! How could you? Ha.
Let's get out of here.
- Nick.
You gotta help me, Nick.
- Don't worry, Alistair.
Everything's gonna be fine.
It better be, man.
It better be.
Hey.
Hey, Nick.
- Whaddaya got, J.
J.
? - I got good news and I got bad news.
Walk with me.
My life is over! [He sobs.]
Give me the bad news first.
Well, the grade fives went to Mona Arizona's website.
It checks out, so they're going for it, and whatever they do, the grade threes and fours are probably gonna copy them.
Shit.
That ain't good.
No, and the good news ain't that good either.
- What is it? - Well-- Alistair! - You got a problem? - How dare you! The fuck! [Alistair groans.]
Nick, no! [Alistair groaning.]
Let me at him! It's my job to protect Nick, which means keeping him out of fights.
Don't get me wrong.
I think violence is usually the only way to solve any problem.
But in his position, he can't get personally involved with these day-to-day dust-ups in the yard.
I know he really wants to protect all the kids from getting beatings, but sometimes it's just better to let it slide.
And let other people deal with it.
Oh, my God.
I'm practicing to be a doctor.
I stay out of fights, but I help kids when they've been hurt.
Nick tries to protect the kids, but he can't protect all the kids all the time, so that's where I come in.
One of the things that really sucks about being a leader is that you can't step into situations.
Like the thing that happened with Alistair.
If I stepped in, it would have been a declaration of all out war.
So, did you say you had any good news? Uh maybe, I just, I don't know what you can do with it.
What the hell am I supposed to do with that? I don't know.
I'm working on it.
[Mickey.]
: Get your cards here.
Five bucks a pack.
Come on, come on, get your cards.
Are we in a pickle, Nick? - Yeah, we're in a pickle.
- I think Alistair's got the right idea.
Let's just go over there, take the cards by force, and frickin' burn them.
We can't do that.
Take it easy.
Why? Because then we're as bad as them.
I can turn them into newts.
Well, you can try.
I think I have an idea.
But it involves a lot of math.
- See ya.
- Okay, so [Nick.]
: J.
J.
's plan was Well, it was kinda complicated and kinda risky.
It involved a lot of math.
To tell you the truth, I didn't understand it at all.
Do you get it? But what I did understand is that it involved me giving all the money I'd saved from my paper route over the last two years to a guy who thought he could turn people into newts.
We had to do something, and fast, or else Frankie's crew was going to take over.
Look, I'm not saying it was a good plan, but it was the best plan we had.
But I gotta tell you, watching Johnny turn on his invisibility ring and then seeing him sneak out of the yard, it made me feel sick to my stomach.
[Locker door slams shut.]
[School bell rings.]
[Kids cheering.]
[Nick.]
: Have you seen Johnny? Is he back yet? When Johnny wasn't back at the start of afternoon recess, I thought I'd made a huge mistake.
- Is is he back yet? - Nope.
Maybe he is back, only we just can't see him.
Maybe he's at the bakery using your money to make donuts disappear.
Nah, Johnny's loyal.
Yeah.
But that lunch-box had like 40 bucks in it.
That kinda cash could un-loyal anyone.
It's like I said from the beginning: We shoulda just gone over there, beat the crap outta them, and taken the cards.
But no! Nick had to listen to J.
J.
's plan when violence is the only thing Frankie and his crew understand.
Look, J.
J.
's a good fuckin' kid.
But he's kinda a fuckin' pussy.
The thing is, J.
J.
's a passifirst.
[Man.]
: Oh, I think you mean pacifist.
No, I mean passifirst.
It means the first thing he does in any situation is be passive.
He doesn't understand that sometimes you gotta give one kid a wedgie to save 20 kids from getting wedgies.
Also he's a vegetarian.
Some kids see that as a weakness.
[Man.]
: So when did you decide to become a vegetarian? After I read Charlotte's Web by E.
B.
White.
- [Man.]
: Ah, yes.
Great book.
- You've read it? - [Man.]
: Oh, yeah.
- So, you're a vegetarian, too? - [Man.]
: No.
- Huh? He ain't coming back.
Just give him a little more time.
- What are you doing here? - Just going for a slide.
- Oh, uh, hey, Mary.
- Shut up, keep smiling, and listen to what I'm saying.
My brother's taking IOU's for the cards, and everyone's going for them.
- Why are you telling me this? - Why do you think? No money down, twice the price, and twice the time to pay.
You can't beat that.
You don't even have to pay for two whole weeks.
Sign right here.
Initial here.
We're fucked.
This is not good.
Where the hell is Johnny? We gotta do something, Nick.
That crazy fruitcake Johnny ain't coming back.
- Hey, guys! - What the fuck? - Mission accomplished.
[Suzi.]
: Holy crap, you actually did it.
Good job, Johnny.
You're a good kid.
Yo.
You looking for some Ho-Ping-Kongs? Listen up, everybody! I got an announcement! Now, there's been a lot of talk about these new cards, and here's the deal: Yes, these cards are cool.
[Cheering.]
But Ju-Ji-Mons are still cool, too! [Cheering.]
Ju-Ji-Mon and Ho-Ping-Kong are going to trade at par Yeah, who says, fart knob? - Me.
- Whatever, man.
Kids still want Ho-Ping-Kongs, and we're the only ones who got 'em.
Actually, as it turns out, that's not entirely accurate.
We got 'em.
Tons of 'em.
And we're selling them for three bucks a pack.
[Cheering.]
- The fuck did you get those? - None of your freakin' beeswax.
[Cheering.]
What the fuck? I asked around.
Talked to a few people.
Then I talked to Wayne Chang.
He's like the Minister of Information for Asian kids around here.
I found this kid named Kwan whose uncle is an importer- exporter, and he had Ho-Ping-Kongs straight from Korea, fifty cents a pack.
So I passed this info on to J.
J.
It was J.
J.
's idea to flood the market with Ho-Ping-Kong.
Yeah, but it wasn't my intent to make a profit selling them to the kids.
- Hey.
I got expenses.
- What kind of expenses? Expenses.
Don't worry about it.
Anyway, like I was saying before, kids are always gonna trade cards, and those cards are always gonna change because kids are always going for the cool new thing.
Yeah, but on the other hand, kids don't like change.
They fear it.
Most kids just wanna fit in and have what all the other kids have.
[Nick.]
: Right now, everyone has Ju-Ji-Mon, but it looks like the future is in Ho-Ping-Kong.
We just made it so the transition is a smooth one.
[J.
J.
.]
: Yeah, so nobody gets hurt too bad.
[Nick.]
: And nobody gets too rich or too powerful too quick.
[School bell rings.]
Anyway, everything worked out because everything went back to normal.
Normal and stable.
Kids like stability-- Stability and routine, like the way recess comes every day at the same time.
Stability means peace.
Kids like that.
Kids like peace.
- I don't like peas.
- Why not? Cause I don't like any vegetables.
Period.
He said peace, Johnny.
Not peas.
And cut.
Well you better run Somebody's calling you and you better run Run when I say Somebody's calling you You better run Run when I say Somebody's calling you I feel like my time ain't long Time ain't long Time ain't long You better run Somebody's calling you And you better run
Sound ready? All right, let's get going.
Uh, slate Nick.
[Man.]
: So, Nick, uh, do you wanna tell us how things work around here? You wanna know how it works around here? Take a look around.
This is the yard.
This is our world.
It belongs to all of us.
You got your jocks fighting for space with the rope-skipping crew, You got your nerds, your dorks, your popular girls, your unpopular girls, the in-betweeners, all just trying to do their own thing.
Play what they wanna play.
And in order for that to happen and all of this shit to go smoothly, they need a leader.
Right now, that's me.
So, this is my crew-- Basically, the good guys.
That's Johnny.
He thinks he has magical powers, but Ow! That's Suzi.
She solves a lot of problems that can't be solved with words, if you know what I mean.
[Groans.]
That's my brother, J.
J.
He's one of the smartest kids in school-- Thinks everything can be solved with words.
But it doesn't really work that way around here.
That's my other brother, Adam.
He's just a little kid.
All he wants to do is play.
That's all most kids want to do, just play and have snacks.
And that's all it takes to make most kids happy.
Except for some kids.
Like Frankie and his crew.
They're only happy when they're making other kids miserable.
Ow! What the! There are the brothers, Pork Chop and Mickey, and their leader, Frankie.
He's a real fucking pain in my ass, always trying to take me down.
Then there's Frankie's sister, Mary.
Mary's like the leader of the girls' crew because she's like the most popular girl in school.
But I don't really get why.
Sure, she's cool and really smart, but I have no idea why the boys like her so much.
But she's the leader of the girls, so, even though I don't like it, I have to put up with her.
It's part of my job.
See, kids playing is like adults going to work, and my job is to keep everything going smoothly-- Make sure everyone's doing what they're supposed to do, everything's in balance.
'Cause when that doesn't happen, the whole system falls apart.
[Locker door slams shut.]
You can tell the system's working when the yard is noisy.
A noisy yard is a peaceful yard.
[Hip-hop music.]
I'm 'a tell you somethin' I was on the mic and my shit was killing Panties on the floor and the party's done So I made an invitation - [Kid.]
: Cool.
- To the ladies in the house But when the yard gets quiet, I get nervous.
Morning, boys.
Whatcha got in the bag? - None of your beeswax.
- Yeah, none of your freakin' beeswax.
- I hate those frickin' guys.
- Don't say the F-word! - I said frickin', not fuckin'! - Hey! What are they doing, Nick? What do you think they're up to? Want me to check it out? - Yeah.
- Hey, Nick! Let me go! I got my invisibility ring on.
If I activate it, I can walk up to Frankie and his crew and he won't even know I was there.
I can give him a wedgie and he'll think, like, God gave him a wedgie.
That ring don't work.
Only thing it made disappear is your brain.
- F-you! - Language.
- Lick my balls.
- Whoa! - Take it easy, you two.
Johnny, I'm gonna save your invisibility ring for something more important.
Suzi, you go.
- [Man.]
: So, why does Frankie make you nervous? - 'Cause he's a total douche.
And besides, he already runs the lunch racket, so he's already pretty powerful as is.
[Man.]
: The lunch racket? What is that? It's the oldest racket in the book.
It's basically just bullies taking other kids' lunches, But Frankie's crew has turned it into a science.
See, we worked out this schedule so that each kid gives us their lunches the exact number of times as all the other kids do.
That way it's fair for everyone.
And in return, we give 'em protection.
- [Man.]
: Protection from what? - From getting hurt.
- [Man.]
: Who would hurt them? - Wellus.
But only if they don't give us their lunches.
It's a fair system.
You got a problem with that? - Yeah, you got a problem with that? - [Man.]
: Uh, no.
Today's the day I'm supposed to give Frankie my lunch.
But my Mom fell off the wagowhwheel, so all I got today is mini-corn and de-alcoholized beer But that's not gonna be good enough.
I mean, how're they gonna even open up the can? But if I don't give Frankie and his crew something good, they're gonna beat me up, and if my mom's boyfriend, Cameron, finds out I got beat up at school, then he's gonna beat me up.
And he hits hard.
[Man.]
: So, why do you let Frankie run the lunch racket? I don't like it, but it keeps him and his crew contained to the lunchroom.
And they need to be contained.
If they took control of the yard, it'd be a disaster.
What'd you find out? Frankie's crew They got these new trading cards.
- New Ju-Ji-Mon's? - Nuh-uh.
They're totally new.
They're called Ho-Ping-Kong.
They're exactly like Ju-Ji-Mon, - only totally different.
- Different how? - Well, for one thing, they're round! Awesome! - Yeah, I know.
- Round cards sound way cooler! Yeah.
Their dad brought 'em back from Buffalo when he went on a business trip.
Frankie says it's the new big thing.
He says nobody plays Ju-Ji-Mon there anymore.
And their dad brought him like 50 packs and they're selling them for five bucks each.
- Five bucks?! - Who has that kind of cash? - Anyone buying them? - The cool kids are.
- Holy schmoly! - Two packs.
You bought two packs? Why did you do that? 'Cause all the kids were saying they think they're sick.
- Fuck.
You know what this could mean? - Yeah.
- [Man.]
: What could this mean? - It could mean total chaos.
Frankie's crew could take control of the yard and get rich doing it.
It could mean the collapse of our entire financial system! [Man.]
: You have a financial system? Well, sure.
Every society has a financial system.
[Man.]
: So how does it work? Well, see, most kids don't have much money, and never have.
So we use trading cards.
[Nick.]
: For a while, there was Winnie Wizard Discs.
Before that, it was Ninja Luck cards.
And then my Dad told me, when he was my age, kids traded something called "hockey cards".
Or, like, over a year now, it's been these Ju-Ji-Mons.
If you want to buy stuff, or things, you use trading cards-- Ju-Ji-Mons.
[Nick.]
: They're TGCs, Trading Game Cards.
Kids have contests with other kids, and if you win, then you get to keep the other kid's cards.
This one kid, Alistair, six months ago, he was nothing.
Nobody.
Nobody could even remember his name.
But then everyone started playing Ju-Ji-Mons and I don't know how to explain it.
Alistair, he had skills.
Mad skills.
Best player in the yard.
He built an empire.
Guess that makes you my bitch, bitch.
Who you callin' a bitch, bitch? Ultra Phantom Rare Sorceress Warlock.
Guess I'm callin' You my bitch, bitch! - [Kids.]
: Ooooh! - Ungh! Yeah.
- How do you like me now, bitch? - [Nick.]
: His success was a beacon to all the other nerds in the yard.
It gave them hope.
It proved that if you had talent, and applied yourself, you could become cool.
- Hey, you wanna hear my rap? - [Man.]
: Uh, sure.
Once I was a nerd I was a fuckin' little dork Treated like a turd you wouldn't touch with a fork Then I started playing cards and my skills were fuckin' crazy Now I got all the girls on my jock like I was crazy When I walk down the halls I'm the motherfuckin' man Why does a dog lick its balls? [Both.]
: Because it can! Word.
At first, kids just traded cards for other cards.
But then they started trading cards for other things.
Like, for instance, you can trade a bowl of Jell-O for one Ju-Ji-Mon.
Two Ju-Ji-Mons'll getcha a plate of fries.
- If you want gravy, that's three cards.
- For four Ju-Ji-Mons, Danny Steele will give you a haircut.
For five Ju-Ji-Mons, I could get you a pellet gun.
[Kids.]
: Ooooh! Fifteen Ju-Ji-Mons will get you a porno mag.
Fifty Ju-Ji-Mons, Patti will hold your hand.
Sixty Ju-Ji-Mons, I could make a guy disappear.
[Nick.]
: It was a simple system.
Everyone knew what a Ju-Ji-Mon was worth.
But then things got a little bit more complex.
Kids started trading cards for things they didn't even have yet.
Like, say a kid had a Ju-Ji-Mon another kid really wanted, and that kid really liked chocolate pudding.
So, you promise the kid two of your puddings in the future for his Ju-Ji-Mon today, even though the Ju-Ji-Mon is only worth one.
Some kids would promise their whole year of puddings away like that.
- Like, this kid, Charlie.
- Pff! He was fuckin' huge.
He went totally crazy for Ju-Ji-Mon, and he sold off almost his entire year's worth of lunches.
All he had left was Carrots.
A lot of kids have sunk everything they have into Ju-Ji-Mons.
So if all of a sudden nobody thinks these cards are cool anymore, that's gonna hurt a lot of kids, and not just today, but into the future.
I'm not saying the system's perfect, but it's the one we got.
And as screwed-up as it is, it works in a weird way.
Alistair's popular for once in his life, and he's dating Patti, who otherwise would be way out of his league.
And Charlie's losing weight.
Besides, how do you tell a kid that the cards he traded for a year's worth of desserts aren't cool anymore? Candy gram? That's not a bad idea.
[Girls jumping rope.]
: January, February, March, April, May, June You're returning those cards.
- Whaddaya mean? - I mean, you're taking those cards back to Frankie and tell him you don't want them.
- But I do want them.
- Yeah, well, I say you don't.
But they cost me ten bucks.
Yeah? And where'd you get that ten bucks from? You want everyone to find out about that? I, um got kinda a little fuckin' bladder control problem.
My mom gives me a buck for every time I don't piss in my bed.
Last month I made like 12 bucks.
Oh, come on, Nick.
You wouldn't do that to me! Look, this isn't just about what's best for you.
It's about what's best for all the kids in the yard.
[Mickey.]
: Hey, Cory! Hey, Cory! Hold up, we wanna talk to you! You know what day it is? It's Cory day! AKA, cough up what you owe day.
I don't have it right now, but I'm gonna get it.
Honest! You better have it by lunch.
Or well, Pork Chop can explain.
I'll have it, Frankie, I swear Hey! This isn't the lunchroom.
It's the yard.
It's my turf.
Maybe for now, Nick.
What you want? A little of this action? You know something, Frankie, I would if I was a douche, but I'm not, so I don't.
Maybe you should watch your mouth, or you might wind up wearing your underwear as a hat, if you know what I'm saying.
I don't get it.
He's saying, I'm gonna take his underwear, pull it out of his pants and then he's gonna stretch it all the way up, until-- Thanks, guys, but I'm not here to fight.
Just to correct a little mistake.
Suzi here accidentally bought some of these little cards of yours before realizing how stupid they are.
Isn't that right, Suzi? So, she'll give you back your cards, you'll give her back her money, and we'll be on our way.
Ha, ha, ha.
You're so funny, I forgot to laugh.
No refunds, dick nibbler.
Well, in that case, I'll have to refund Suzi myself.
What, did your dad finally get his welfare check? - [Kids.]
: Ooooh.
- Ju-Ji-Mons still rule.
- Well, not according to Mona Arizona.
- [Kids.]
: What? Yeah, that's right, Nick.
Check out her website.
- Mona Arizona - She says Ho-Ping-Kongs are the new cool cards.
[School bell rings.]
What? You didn't hear the bell? J.
J.
, this Mona Arizona thing Check it out for me.
I still don't get it.
I'll explain on the way in.
Yeah, I'm pretty heavy into the Ju-Ji-Mon thing.
I've got the most of any kid in school.
I spent all my allowance on them, I played with them every single recess.
I've worked my ass off for every card I've got.
So, yeah, I'm a little scared right now, because if Ju-Ji-Mons aren't cool anymore, I don't know what I'll do.
But no matter what happens, with Patti by my side, I can make it through anything.
Well you better run Somebody's calling you and you better run Run when I say Somebody's calling you You better run Run when I say Somebody's calling you I feel like [Kid.]
: These Ho-Ping-Kongs are so cool! Oh, my God Nick? Nick? Did you see that, Nick? Those kids are going crazy for Ho-Ping-Kongs.
Keep your pants on, Alistair.
It's just one table.
This guy in my class named Leon bought a pack and he was showing them off to all the kids and everybody got so excited that the teacher took the cards away.
So that's good, right? Maybe they'll take them all away.
Mm-mm.
Nope.
The more teachers confiscate them, the more kids'll want them.
It'll just drive up the value.
Drive UP the value? Jesus H.
Christ on a popsicle stick! I could lose everything.
O.
K.
, hold on, Alistair.
Everything's coming at me all at once.
I need to think.
- Nick, I'm sorry to bother you.
- What is it? Well, it's my day to give Frankie my lunch, - and he's gonna kill me-- - Relax, relax.
Here.
Take mine.
I lost my appetite, anyway.
- Thanks, Nick.
You want this? - Sure, what the hell.
Thanks, Nick.
I'll find a way to pay you back.
Don't worry about it.
Here you go, Frankie.
Just like I promised.
- The fuck you get this? - Um, Nick gave it to me.
- What the fuck? - Yeah, Cory, what the fuck? - Looks like you made quite a mess, Cory.
Maybe you better clean it up.
Come on, guys.
Let's go sort this shit out.
Nick, this is the lunch room.
It's not your turf.
Why are you messing with my business in here? 'Cause you're worried I'm going to take over the yard with these Ho-Ping-Kongs? Why fight it? It's inevitable.
Tell you what, I'll cut you a break.
I'll see you some half-price, 'cause I know your family doesn't have a lot of money.
[Suzi.]
: Hey, shut the fuck up! - My dad's rich.
- Yeah.
His dad's rich as shit! And if these cards take off, we're gonna be rich, too.
Yeah, totally rich as shit.
[He passes gas.]
What? Ow! What! Ew Heh-heh, more space for me.
Wimps.
- Frankie's so stupid.
You wanna know why? - [Man.]
: Yeah, sure.
Cause he's always talking about how his dad is so rich and how our dad is so poor, but you wanna know what? [Man.]
: Uh, what? Our dad has two jobs and his dad only has one, which means our dad is twice as rich as his dad.
Oh, wait, I forgot.
My dad said I'm not supposed to sell the cards to losers.
What's up? Patti?! How could you? Ha.
Let's get out of here.
- Nick.
You gotta help me, Nick.
- Don't worry, Alistair.
Everything's gonna be fine.
It better be, man.
It better be.
Hey.
Hey, Nick.
- Whaddaya got, J.
J.
? - I got good news and I got bad news.
Walk with me.
My life is over! [He sobs.]
Give me the bad news first.
Well, the grade fives went to Mona Arizona's website.
It checks out, so they're going for it, and whatever they do, the grade threes and fours are probably gonna copy them.
Shit.
That ain't good.
No, and the good news ain't that good either.
- What is it? - Well-- Alistair! - You got a problem? - How dare you! The fuck! [Alistair groans.]
Nick, no! [Alistair groaning.]
Let me at him! It's my job to protect Nick, which means keeping him out of fights.
Don't get me wrong.
I think violence is usually the only way to solve any problem.
But in his position, he can't get personally involved with these day-to-day dust-ups in the yard.
I know he really wants to protect all the kids from getting beatings, but sometimes it's just better to let it slide.
And let other people deal with it.
Oh, my God.
I'm practicing to be a doctor.
I stay out of fights, but I help kids when they've been hurt.
Nick tries to protect the kids, but he can't protect all the kids all the time, so that's where I come in.
One of the things that really sucks about being a leader is that you can't step into situations.
Like the thing that happened with Alistair.
If I stepped in, it would have been a declaration of all out war.
So, did you say you had any good news? Uh maybe, I just, I don't know what you can do with it.
What the hell am I supposed to do with that? I don't know.
I'm working on it.
[Mickey.]
: Get your cards here.
Five bucks a pack.
Come on, come on, get your cards.
Are we in a pickle, Nick? - Yeah, we're in a pickle.
- I think Alistair's got the right idea.
Let's just go over there, take the cards by force, and frickin' burn them.
We can't do that.
Take it easy.
Why? Because then we're as bad as them.
I can turn them into newts.
Well, you can try.
I think I have an idea.
But it involves a lot of math.
- See ya.
- Okay, so [Nick.]
: J.
J.
's plan was Well, it was kinda complicated and kinda risky.
It involved a lot of math.
To tell you the truth, I didn't understand it at all.
Do you get it? But what I did understand is that it involved me giving all the money I'd saved from my paper route over the last two years to a guy who thought he could turn people into newts.
We had to do something, and fast, or else Frankie's crew was going to take over.
Look, I'm not saying it was a good plan, but it was the best plan we had.
But I gotta tell you, watching Johnny turn on his invisibility ring and then seeing him sneak out of the yard, it made me feel sick to my stomach.
[Locker door slams shut.]
[School bell rings.]
[Kids cheering.]
[Nick.]
: Have you seen Johnny? Is he back yet? When Johnny wasn't back at the start of afternoon recess, I thought I'd made a huge mistake.
- Is is he back yet? - Nope.
Maybe he is back, only we just can't see him.
Maybe he's at the bakery using your money to make donuts disappear.
Nah, Johnny's loyal.
Yeah.
But that lunch-box had like 40 bucks in it.
That kinda cash could un-loyal anyone.
It's like I said from the beginning: We shoulda just gone over there, beat the crap outta them, and taken the cards.
But no! Nick had to listen to J.
J.
's plan when violence is the only thing Frankie and his crew understand.
Look, J.
J.
's a good fuckin' kid.
But he's kinda a fuckin' pussy.
The thing is, J.
J.
's a passifirst.
[Man.]
: Oh, I think you mean pacifist.
No, I mean passifirst.
It means the first thing he does in any situation is be passive.
He doesn't understand that sometimes you gotta give one kid a wedgie to save 20 kids from getting wedgies.
Also he's a vegetarian.
Some kids see that as a weakness.
[Man.]
: So when did you decide to become a vegetarian? After I read Charlotte's Web by E.
B.
White.
- [Man.]
: Ah, yes.
Great book.
- You've read it? - [Man.]
: Oh, yeah.
- So, you're a vegetarian, too? - [Man.]
: No.
- Huh? He ain't coming back.
Just give him a little more time.
- What are you doing here? - Just going for a slide.
- Oh, uh, hey, Mary.
- Shut up, keep smiling, and listen to what I'm saying.
My brother's taking IOU's for the cards, and everyone's going for them.
- Why are you telling me this? - Why do you think? No money down, twice the price, and twice the time to pay.
You can't beat that.
You don't even have to pay for two whole weeks.
Sign right here.
Initial here.
We're fucked.
This is not good.
Where the hell is Johnny? We gotta do something, Nick.
That crazy fruitcake Johnny ain't coming back.
- Hey, guys! - What the fuck? - Mission accomplished.
[Suzi.]
: Holy crap, you actually did it.
Good job, Johnny.
You're a good kid.
Yo.
You looking for some Ho-Ping-Kongs? Listen up, everybody! I got an announcement! Now, there's been a lot of talk about these new cards, and here's the deal: Yes, these cards are cool.
[Cheering.]
But Ju-Ji-Mons are still cool, too! [Cheering.]
Ju-Ji-Mon and Ho-Ping-Kong are going to trade at par Yeah, who says, fart knob? - Me.
- Whatever, man.
Kids still want Ho-Ping-Kongs, and we're the only ones who got 'em.
Actually, as it turns out, that's not entirely accurate.
We got 'em.
Tons of 'em.
And we're selling them for three bucks a pack.
[Cheering.]
- The fuck did you get those? - None of your freakin' beeswax.
[Cheering.]
What the fuck? I asked around.
Talked to a few people.
Then I talked to Wayne Chang.
He's like the Minister of Information for Asian kids around here.
I found this kid named Kwan whose uncle is an importer- exporter, and he had Ho-Ping-Kongs straight from Korea, fifty cents a pack.
So I passed this info on to J.
J.
It was J.
J.
's idea to flood the market with Ho-Ping-Kong.
Yeah, but it wasn't my intent to make a profit selling them to the kids.
- Hey.
I got expenses.
- What kind of expenses? Expenses.
Don't worry about it.
Anyway, like I was saying before, kids are always gonna trade cards, and those cards are always gonna change because kids are always going for the cool new thing.
Yeah, but on the other hand, kids don't like change.
They fear it.
Most kids just wanna fit in and have what all the other kids have.
[Nick.]
: Right now, everyone has Ju-Ji-Mon, but it looks like the future is in Ho-Ping-Kong.
We just made it so the transition is a smooth one.
[J.
J.
.]
: Yeah, so nobody gets hurt too bad.
[Nick.]
: And nobody gets too rich or too powerful too quick.
[School bell rings.]
Anyway, everything worked out because everything went back to normal.
Normal and stable.
Kids like stability-- Stability and routine, like the way recess comes every day at the same time.
Stability means peace.
Kids like that.
Kids like peace.
- I don't like peas.
- Why not? Cause I don't like any vegetables.
Period.
He said peace, Johnny.
Not peas.
And cut.
Well you better run Somebody's calling you and you better run Run when I say Somebody's calling you You better run Run when I say Somebody's calling you I feel like my time ain't long Time ain't long Time ain't long You better run Somebody's calling you And you better run