Them from That Thing (2012) s01e01 Episode Script
Episode 1
1 Thank you all for coming.
I have prepared a statement which I would now like to read.
In light of recent events and after a long period of consideration and soul searching, I have decided that now is the right time for me to re-evaluate the priorities of my life.
And with this in mind, I have decided to refocus my energies and to spend less time with my family.
It is not a decision that I have taken lightly.
I'm proud of everything that I have accomplished during my time here wallpapering the study, killing that fox, that fancy dress party we had when I went dressed as Mr T, that was good.
And finally, I would like to make it absolutely clear that I am in no way ashamed of the time that I have spent here, and I will always have the fondest memories of my wife Lindsay.
Lindsay.
Of my wife, Lindsay, and of our two, beautiful border collies Children.
Children.
Children.
Beautiful children.
And I know that they will carry on the good work, in my absence.
So thank you.
I will take no further questions at this time.
Oh.
I'm so glad we made this time together.
Yeah.
Me, too.
Kath! Oh, My God, Kath Williams, is that you?! It's me! Jez! Jez Lowthorpe! From Sidwell Comp, 1984 to 1990! Rosy-Face Jez! Jelly-Knickers Jez! From 4C! Mr Carson's class! Camel-Face Carson! You remember! 'Oompah, oompah, doesn't own a jumper' Jez! Fanny-Face Fiona's friend! You remember, Fiona the Moaner, eyes like fists! Used to go out with Crazy Dan the dwarf with that one really weird black glove.
Jez, Jez, never wears a Fez! That Jez! Not Gypsy Jez with her hair like a horse! Jesticles the Testicles, do you remember? That one! Ha ha! How long has it been? You look amazing.
Really sorry, I think you've got the wrong person.
It's me! Lucy? Oh, God, my mistake.
Sorry to bother you.
Who was that? That was Jez.
Shut up! There's just too much security so unless anyone's got any genius ideas, we've just got to accept that this bank is unrobable.
I have one that might work.
We set up a small business.
It's lookalike agency, specialises in Russell Crowe.
Tom Jones?! No.
Russell Crowe.
I like it.
Keep talking.
Once we have the agency, we put everyone here on the books as a registered Russell Crowe lookalike.
Once all the paperwork's in, we rob the bank - broad daylight, no masks.
When the witnesses are asked who robbed them, they're all going to say the same thing.
Russell Crowe.
Aren't you the cleaner? No.
I'm Russell Crowe.
Morning, Stephen.
Oh, hiya, Linda, how's it going? Nice weekend? Not really, no.
Oh? Friday night, Alison was in one of her moods, like that's news.
You haven't met Alison have you? I'll tell you what, she hasn't been the same since her nervous breakdown.
Of course, her brother's still staying with us who, incidentally, is a dick.
You'd think he'd be grateful we were putting him up, especially after what he's done.
He's an animal.
Oh.
Then got to bed and the cat had crapped all over the duvet.
It hasn't got long now.
And the smoke alarm kept making this noise, "Eeeh, eeeh, eeeh.
" Anyway, on Saturday morning I found a lump on my left nut.
"Ooooh," I thought, "Well, here we go.
" That's when it all kicked off over the road and you do not want to know about that.
No, well I The noise all starts up, I go across the road and then two minutes later I find myself bent over double with my face squashed into this coppers groin.
Right.
How was your weekend? Fine, we jus Ah, just stayed in, did ya? Very good.
What have we got here, Constable? White male, late 30s, single wound to the leg.
Right.
Hang on, did you say leg? Yes, Guv.
Single wound to the leg.
Oh, OK.
We're assuming the wound cut the femoral artery and he bled to death? No, Guv.
The wound was a cut on the knee.
Well, a graze.
Well, how the hell did he die? Oh, he's not dead.
I'm not dead.
What the fuck is going on? Look Guv, the truth is there hasn't been a murder round here in years.
Me and the lads got together and thought, if we treat everything more serious than it actually is, it might make the job more exciting.
Come on, Guv, what's the harm? He doesn't mind.
I don't mind.
Please, Guv.
Come on, then.
So have we got any idea what the suspect looks like? Yes, Guv, our best boys put together this photo-fit.
That's not a photo-fit, that's a photo.
It was taken on the log flume at Legoland, a really lovely day.
Dear God.
Chief Super.
I came as soon as I heard.
Is this the murder victim? Well, Ma'am, I'm so sorry, there's been a bit of a miscommunication.
There is no murder.
Oh, great, that ruins everything.
I did try to tell him, Ma'am.
I was really getting into it, too.
I got them to stick a blue light on on the way over and everything.
I even bought a bottle of whisky to drink tonight when the pressure got too much.
Sorry, Ma'am.
He's made a mockery of the whole thing.
Brilliant! Now the dead man's talking.
This is bullshit.
I could be investigating a real crime instead of standing here with you clowns.
Constable, come with me, I could use you.
Where we going, chief? We've got a drugs ring to bust.
Some Lemsip's gone missing from the church.
Can we do the nee-nars? Of course.
Yes! Can I get up now? Good afternoon, sir, do you need any assistance? No, just having a look around.
Actually maybe you can help me? Yes, sir.
What kind of trousers does a cunt wear? I wouldn't know, sir.
What kind of trousers are you wearing? Red trousers.
I'll take a dozen pairs.
Mr Cooper? For it is he.
Sorry? I am Mr Cooper and this is his dressing gown.
What's the clock? Oh, er five past four.
Goodness me, the afternoon.
Time, as they say, waits for no man.
Or as I prefer, Tom Waits for some men.
Do you like Tom Waits, sir? I don't know who he is.
Then seek him! He'll play your heart like a filthy piano.
And he sings like all his teeth ache.
I've got your banana.
Ah, the supermarket delivery man! You should have said.
Is it all there? Er, yes, sir.
One banana ordered, one banana delivered.
Splendid.
I've been running low on these yellow bitches.
This is a very expensive way of shopping, Mr Cooper.
We do have a minimum spend, plus a delivery charge.
Fear not the cost.
Just give it me quickly and spare me no pain.
£40.
19.
Is that so dear for such a pretty one? That is a pricey banana.
But a reasonable date.
Date? Don't tell me you can't feel it.
I don't.
Look at me with your eyes.
It's 4:00pm.
School's out.
You're standing in the hallway of a man you've never met before, charging him 40 English pounds for your finest banana Well, if that isn't enough to get the wind up this dressing gown, kill me for the crime of wishful thinking.
I'm going to go now.
Wouldn't you like to share my banana? II'll be placing another order! You'll be back! Tomorrow you will bring me a fig and we shall discuss higher things! Tomorrow, you'll bring me a fig.
Thank you.
The nominations for Best Psychic's Prediction Of Their Own Death are David Spirit, for Mauled To Death By A Gorilla.
Eric Santiago for Stabbed To Death By His Betrayed Wife.
And Kenny Kamm for shot dead During An Awards Acceptance Speech.
And the winner is Ah! It's Kenny Kamm! I predict that I will be shot dead at the Psychic Awards 2012, whilst accepting my award for this prediction Oooh! And I will not have this moustache! Before I get shot I would like to thank my fellow nominees, David Spirit and of course my arch rival, Eric Santiago.
And before I go, may I just say, Eric, well done on keeping your mistress a secret for so long.
As I face my end, I Arrrgh-ha-ha! Come on! Wow, I'd like to thank my wife for making this possible.
Oh, come on! I'd like to thank the Gorilla for his part in my success.
Stand back! Come on! Who'll give me £600? I'm looking for £600 to stop shouting like a dick.
Do I hear 600? £600 from the man in the blue shirt.
Thank you.
Now do I hear £700? £700 to stop me shouting like a complete fucking dick in a squeaky voice, like this.
£700.
£700 to stop me doing this.
Over and over again.
£700, £700.
Thank you, madam.
Now do I hear £800? I'm looking for £800 to stop me shouting like a complete fucking dick, with a squeaky voice, in a very strong Scottish accent.
I don't know what part of Scotland it's from but I like it.
£800 to stop me dancing like a tit.
£800, £800, £800.
Sold! Can you confirm for the court whose DNA you found on the black leather glove? We found significant traces of DNA of the accused man, on the black leather glove.
Can I ask how long you've worked in forensics? 15 years.
I put it to you that exhibit A, the glove, was deliberately contaminated by you after you misplaced the original glove, a brown leather glove, belonging to my client.
In short, this is the wrong glove.
Sorry, I have to get this, it's Geoff.
Geoff Gavel.
Hi, Geoff, um, now's not a good time, I am in court.
Can I call you back? What? It's about the case? You found a glove? Great! We were just talking about this now.
Sorry, Geoff, could I ask? What colour is the glove? It's brown.
It's a brown glove! That is good news.
OK, I'll ask.
Geoff was wondering if you had to see the actual glove? Of course.
Yes, I thought you might say that.
Geoff, they have to see the glove.
What? Your wife has just died? God, John, that's terrible.
Yes.
That takes top priority, you must get her body to a morgue.
Geoff John Gavel's wife has just died.
What if we send one of the clerks to the lab to pick up this glove? Yes.
That's a great idea.
I can call them now in fact.
Is the Bendix report ready? Oh, yes, just give me one second, it's just There we go.
What's this? The Bendix report.
It's a glass of milk.
I wrote it in milk form.
What? Just joking.
Here it is.
Thanks.
What's all this about? It's the report.
It just says, "This is a glass of milk" over and over again.
Sorry, boss, I've just been under so much pressure.
Well Sarah and I aren't getting on very well and to be honest she's leaving me.
I'm I just don't know what to do.
I'm sorry, I had no idea.
If you want to have some time off, that's fine by me.
Oh, God, look at what I've done.
It's all right, Donald.
Everyone gets a little stressed from time to time, it's nothing to be Kiss me.
What? Kiss me, or I'll kill myself.
Ahhhhhh! - You're fired.
- What do you mean, fired? Sacked.
Just clear your desk now.
But I'm your own hand.
What? You're talking to your own hand.
Here you go.
Eh? The Bendix report? Thanks.
What can I do for you today? Well, it's about our son Sean, Doctor.
We've been to see you before, you know, about his size.
Just need to give him a few less sweets, more exercise will see him lose it all, I'm sure.
We were wondering maybe maybe he's not fat.
Hmm.
Maybe he's Oh, I can't bear it.
Maybe he's been born at the wrong aspect ratio.
I know there's a lot of talk about being born at the wrong aspect ratio at the moment, but doctors aren't sure if it's a genuine condition.
He's been born at the wrong aspect ratio, Doctor.
We know it.
He's got all the symptoms.
He just looks wrong.
There must be something you can do, Doctor? Something? You'll have to go abroad.
There's only one man in the world doing this sort of work.
He's at the Blumberg Institute in Stuttgart and his name is Dr Sven Hassleback.
OK, Sean, you are a very brave little boy.
You will not feel a thing, I promise you this.
OK.
Index.
Mr and Mrs Jefferies, I am pleased to tell you that I have cured your son.
He is now at the correct aspect ratio.
Thank you, doctor.
But I must tell you, he is suffering from side-effects to the treatment.
What's wrong with him.
I demand to see my son! Bring him out! Sean, darling.
But he looks He looks wonderful.
What are these side-effects, Doctor? Mr and Mrs Jefferies, something went wrong in the theatre.
Some of the equipment, it was confused.
Und now, your son, your son has a director's commentary.
'Interestingly we filmed this sketch on a Sunday, in a real hospital.
'I wanted to shoot it on a Friday cos I had a wedding on the Sunday.
' Doctor? Where is that man's voice coming from? 'Up in Warrington, about a two hour drive.
' Stop, stop, please stop! 'So I spoke to the producer, Neil.
' As if anyone's interested! 'And I said, "Sunday's the only day they can do, '"they do operations on a Friday.
So deal with it.
"' But what will people say? What will people think? My son has a director's commentary.
People will be so cruel! 'Morgana is so good in this scene.
Really believable.
' Hi, sorry to bother you, but is your husband in? Excuse me? I'd like to talk to your husband, please? Wait a minute, first of all, how do you know I even have a husband? Please don't put yourself down, you're definitely pretty enough to have a husband.
Thank you very much.
Is your husband in? What do you want? Sorry, let me introduce myself, it's very rude of me.
My name is Geoff.
Listen, Geoff Call me Alan.
What? My friends call me Alan.
You just said your name was Geoff.
It is, but you can call me Alan.
Like in the song.
Look, whatever your name is Geoff, but you can call me Alan.
Look, Alan, whatever it is you want, why can't you just talk to me? You know, I'd love to, but this is kind of man business.
Is your husband in? No, he's not, and I suggest you leave before I call the police.
You know, look, Jane, can we just stop this for a second, please? This role-playing thing's really not working for me.
I'm not feeling at all sexy.
What are you talking about? Who's Jane? Oh, my God, you're not Jane, are you? No.
Jesus Christ, I'm so embarrassed, I must apologize.
You see, I thought you were my wife, Jane, dressed up in a disguise for the sexy role-play.
I'm not your wife, Alan.
Tim.
What? My real name's Tim.
Alan was just my role-playing nickname and Geoff's my role-playing real name.
My actual real proper name is actually It's actually Tim.
Well, Tim, I suggest you go home and you have a long lie down.
But this is my home.
No, Tim, no, you don't live here.
Oh, my God, where do I live then? Tim.
Ahhhh! It's me, it's Jane.
I was just having a role-play.
Jesus Christ! You scared the shit out of me.
So tell me, do you feel a little bit sexy now? I do a bit, yeah.
Oh, well, that's excellent, come on, quick-quick! This tribunal is to assess the state of mind of Donald Smith, to determine whether he is fit to be released from this secure mental facility.
It's 15 years since the incident that first brought Mr Smith here, so I am perhaps as anxious as he is to get these proceedings underway.
Let us first start with his medical assessment, if you would be so kind, please, Doctor Bennett? Thank you, your honour, as the board will see from my submitted psychiatric report, an independent panel of doctors has found Donald to be of completely sound mind.
That's very encouraging.
Do the prison staff feel the same way? Yes, ma'am.
As governor of this facility, I can recommend his immediate release without hesitation.
Well, it's all looking very rosy for you, Donald, and lastly let us hear from Mr Blancmange.
As much as I wish I could, I'm afraid I can't be so encouraging.
It doesn't please me to say this, but if Donald can see and hear me, a talking blancmange, then he must really still be very mentally disturbed.
Thank you for your input, Mr Blancmange.
No problem.
Well, Donald, sorry to say that Mr Blancmange's testimony has rather put the cat amongst the pigeons, and I cannot now recommend your release.
We will reconsider your case in five years.
Why don't we just say six? OK, Mr Blancmange, why not? Six it is.
Tribunal adjourned.
You bastard, Blancmange! It's hardly my fault if he can see me!
I have prepared a statement which I would now like to read.
In light of recent events and after a long period of consideration and soul searching, I have decided that now is the right time for me to re-evaluate the priorities of my life.
And with this in mind, I have decided to refocus my energies and to spend less time with my family.
It is not a decision that I have taken lightly.
I'm proud of everything that I have accomplished during my time here wallpapering the study, killing that fox, that fancy dress party we had when I went dressed as Mr T, that was good.
And finally, I would like to make it absolutely clear that I am in no way ashamed of the time that I have spent here, and I will always have the fondest memories of my wife Lindsay.
Lindsay.
Of my wife, Lindsay, and of our two, beautiful border collies Children.
Children.
Children.
Beautiful children.
And I know that they will carry on the good work, in my absence.
So thank you.
I will take no further questions at this time.
Oh.
I'm so glad we made this time together.
Yeah.
Me, too.
Kath! Oh, My God, Kath Williams, is that you?! It's me! Jez! Jez Lowthorpe! From Sidwell Comp, 1984 to 1990! Rosy-Face Jez! Jelly-Knickers Jez! From 4C! Mr Carson's class! Camel-Face Carson! You remember! 'Oompah, oompah, doesn't own a jumper' Jez! Fanny-Face Fiona's friend! You remember, Fiona the Moaner, eyes like fists! Used to go out with Crazy Dan the dwarf with that one really weird black glove.
Jez, Jez, never wears a Fez! That Jez! Not Gypsy Jez with her hair like a horse! Jesticles the Testicles, do you remember? That one! Ha ha! How long has it been? You look amazing.
Really sorry, I think you've got the wrong person.
It's me! Lucy? Oh, God, my mistake.
Sorry to bother you.
Who was that? That was Jez.
Shut up! There's just too much security so unless anyone's got any genius ideas, we've just got to accept that this bank is unrobable.
I have one that might work.
We set up a small business.
It's lookalike agency, specialises in Russell Crowe.
Tom Jones?! No.
Russell Crowe.
I like it.
Keep talking.
Once we have the agency, we put everyone here on the books as a registered Russell Crowe lookalike.
Once all the paperwork's in, we rob the bank - broad daylight, no masks.
When the witnesses are asked who robbed them, they're all going to say the same thing.
Russell Crowe.
Aren't you the cleaner? No.
I'm Russell Crowe.
Morning, Stephen.
Oh, hiya, Linda, how's it going? Nice weekend? Not really, no.
Oh? Friday night, Alison was in one of her moods, like that's news.
You haven't met Alison have you? I'll tell you what, she hasn't been the same since her nervous breakdown.
Of course, her brother's still staying with us who, incidentally, is a dick.
You'd think he'd be grateful we were putting him up, especially after what he's done.
He's an animal.
Oh.
Then got to bed and the cat had crapped all over the duvet.
It hasn't got long now.
And the smoke alarm kept making this noise, "Eeeh, eeeh, eeeh.
" Anyway, on Saturday morning I found a lump on my left nut.
"Ooooh," I thought, "Well, here we go.
" That's when it all kicked off over the road and you do not want to know about that.
No, well I The noise all starts up, I go across the road and then two minutes later I find myself bent over double with my face squashed into this coppers groin.
Right.
How was your weekend? Fine, we jus Ah, just stayed in, did ya? Very good.
What have we got here, Constable? White male, late 30s, single wound to the leg.
Right.
Hang on, did you say leg? Yes, Guv.
Single wound to the leg.
Oh, OK.
We're assuming the wound cut the femoral artery and he bled to death? No, Guv.
The wound was a cut on the knee.
Well, a graze.
Well, how the hell did he die? Oh, he's not dead.
I'm not dead.
What the fuck is going on? Look Guv, the truth is there hasn't been a murder round here in years.
Me and the lads got together and thought, if we treat everything more serious than it actually is, it might make the job more exciting.
Come on, Guv, what's the harm? He doesn't mind.
I don't mind.
Please, Guv.
Come on, then.
So have we got any idea what the suspect looks like? Yes, Guv, our best boys put together this photo-fit.
That's not a photo-fit, that's a photo.
It was taken on the log flume at Legoland, a really lovely day.
Dear God.
Chief Super.
I came as soon as I heard.
Is this the murder victim? Well, Ma'am, I'm so sorry, there's been a bit of a miscommunication.
There is no murder.
Oh, great, that ruins everything.
I did try to tell him, Ma'am.
I was really getting into it, too.
I got them to stick a blue light on on the way over and everything.
I even bought a bottle of whisky to drink tonight when the pressure got too much.
Sorry, Ma'am.
He's made a mockery of the whole thing.
Brilliant! Now the dead man's talking.
This is bullshit.
I could be investigating a real crime instead of standing here with you clowns.
Constable, come with me, I could use you.
Where we going, chief? We've got a drugs ring to bust.
Some Lemsip's gone missing from the church.
Can we do the nee-nars? Of course.
Yes! Can I get up now? Good afternoon, sir, do you need any assistance? No, just having a look around.
Actually maybe you can help me? Yes, sir.
What kind of trousers does a cunt wear? I wouldn't know, sir.
What kind of trousers are you wearing? Red trousers.
I'll take a dozen pairs.
Mr Cooper? For it is he.
Sorry? I am Mr Cooper and this is his dressing gown.
What's the clock? Oh, er five past four.
Goodness me, the afternoon.
Time, as they say, waits for no man.
Or as I prefer, Tom Waits for some men.
Do you like Tom Waits, sir? I don't know who he is.
Then seek him! He'll play your heart like a filthy piano.
And he sings like all his teeth ache.
I've got your banana.
Ah, the supermarket delivery man! You should have said.
Is it all there? Er, yes, sir.
One banana ordered, one banana delivered.
Splendid.
I've been running low on these yellow bitches.
This is a very expensive way of shopping, Mr Cooper.
We do have a minimum spend, plus a delivery charge.
Fear not the cost.
Just give it me quickly and spare me no pain.
£40.
19.
Is that so dear for such a pretty one? That is a pricey banana.
But a reasonable date.
Date? Don't tell me you can't feel it.
I don't.
Look at me with your eyes.
It's 4:00pm.
School's out.
You're standing in the hallway of a man you've never met before, charging him 40 English pounds for your finest banana Well, if that isn't enough to get the wind up this dressing gown, kill me for the crime of wishful thinking.
I'm going to go now.
Wouldn't you like to share my banana? II'll be placing another order! You'll be back! Tomorrow you will bring me a fig and we shall discuss higher things! Tomorrow, you'll bring me a fig.
Thank you.
The nominations for Best Psychic's Prediction Of Their Own Death are David Spirit, for Mauled To Death By A Gorilla.
Eric Santiago for Stabbed To Death By His Betrayed Wife.
And Kenny Kamm for shot dead During An Awards Acceptance Speech.
And the winner is Ah! It's Kenny Kamm! I predict that I will be shot dead at the Psychic Awards 2012, whilst accepting my award for this prediction Oooh! And I will not have this moustache! Before I get shot I would like to thank my fellow nominees, David Spirit and of course my arch rival, Eric Santiago.
And before I go, may I just say, Eric, well done on keeping your mistress a secret for so long.
As I face my end, I Arrrgh-ha-ha! Come on! Wow, I'd like to thank my wife for making this possible.
Oh, come on! I'd like to thank the Gorilla for his part in my success.
Stand back! Come on! Who'll give me £600? I'm looking for £600 to stop shouting like a dick.
Do I hear 600? £600 from the man in the blue shirt.
Thank you.
Now do I hear £700? £700 to stop me shouting like a complete fucking dick in a squeaky voice, like this.
£700.
£700 to stop me doing this.
Over and over again.
£700, £700.
Thank you, madam.
Now do I hear £800? I'm looking for £800 to stop me shouting like a complete fucking dick, with a squeaky voice, in a very strong Scottish accent.
I don't know what part of Scotland it's from but I like it.
£800 to stop me dancing like a tit.
£800, £800, £800.
Sold! Can you confirm for the court whose DNA you found on the black leather glove? We found significant traces of DNA of the accused man, on the black leather glove.
Can I ask how long you've worked in forensics? 15 years.
I put it to you that exhibit A, the glove, was deliberately contaminated by you after you misplaced the original glove, a brown leather glove, belonging to my client.
In short, this is the wrong glove.
Sorry, I have to get this, it's Geoff.
Geoff Gavel.
Hi, Geoff, um, now's not a good time, I am in court.
Can I call you back? What? It's about the case? You found a glove? Great! We were just talking about this now.
Sorry, Geoff, could I ask? What colour is the glove? It's brown.
It's a brown glove! That is good news.
OK, I'll ask.
Geoff was wondering if you had to see the actual glove? Of course.
Yes, I thought you might say that.
Geoff, they have to see the glove.
What? Your wife has just died? God, John, that's terrible.
Yes.
That takes top priority, you must get her body to a morgue.
Geoff John Gavel's wife has just died.
What if we send one of the clerks to the lab to pick up this glove? Yes.
That's a great idea.
I can call them now in fact.
Is the Bendix report ready? Oh, yes, just give me one second, it's just There we go.
What's this? The Bendix report.
It's a glass of milk.
I wrote it in milk form.
What? Just joking.
Here it is.
Thanks.
What's all this about? It's the report.
It just says, "This is a glass of milk" over and over again.
Sorry, boss, I've just been under so much pressure.
Well Sarah and I aren't getting on very well and to be honest she's leaving me.
I'm I just don't know what to do.
I'm sorry, I had no idea.
If you want to have some time off, that's fine by me.
Oh, God, look at what I've done.
It's all right, Donald.
Everyone gets a little stressed from time to time, it's nothing to be Kiss me.
What? Kiss me, or I'll kill myself.
Ahhhhhh! - You're fired.
- What do you mean, fired? Sacked.
Just clear your desk now.
But I'm your own hand.
What? You're talking to your own hand.
Here you go.
Eh? The Bendix report? Thanks.
What can I do for you today? Well, it's about our son Sean, Doctor.
We've been to see you before, you know, about his size.
Just need to give him a few less sweets, more exercise will see him lose it all, I'm sure.
We were wondering maybe maybe he's not fat.
Hmm.
Maybe he's Oh, I can't bear it.
Maybe he's been born at the wrong aspect ratio.
I know there's a lot of talk about being born at the wrong aspect ratio at the moment, but doctors aren't sure if it's a genuine condition.
He's been born at the wrong aspect ratio, Doctor.
We know it.
He's got all the symptoms.
He just looks wrong.
There must be something you can do, Doctor? Something? You'll have to go abroad.
There's only one man in the world doing this sort of work.
He's at the Blumberg Institute in Stuttgart and his name is Dr Sven Hassleback.
OK, Sean, you are a very brave little boy.
You will not feel a thing, I promise you this.
OK.
Index.
Mr and Mrs Jefferies, I am pleased to tell you that I have cured your son.
He is now at the correct aspect ratio.
Thank you, doctor.
But I must tell you, he is suffering from side-effects to the treatment.
What's wrong with him.
I demand to see my son! Bring him out! Sean, darling.
But he looks He looks wonderful.
What are these side-effects, Doctor? Mr and Mrs Jefferies, something went wrong in the theatre.
Some of the equipment, it was confused.
Und now, your son, your son has a director's commentary.
'Interestingly we filmed this sketch on a Sunday, in a real hospital.
'I wanted to shoot it on a Friday cos I had a wedding on the Sunday.
' Doctor? Where is that man's voice coming from? 'Up in Warrington, about a two hour drive.
' Stop, stop, please stop! 'So I spoke to the producer, Neil.
' As if anyone's interested! 'And I said, "Sunday's the only day they can do, '"they do operations on a Friday.
So deal with it.
"' But what will people say? What will people think? My son has a director's commentary.
People will be so cruel! 'Morgana is so good in this scene.
Really believable.
' Hi, sorry to bother you, but is your husband in? Excuse me? I'd like to talk to your husband, please? Wait a minute, first of all, how do you know I even have a husband? Please don't put yourself down, you're definitely pretty enough to have a husband.
Thank you very much.
Is your husband in? What do you want? Sorry, let me introduce myself, it's very rude of me.
My name is Geoff.
Listen, Geoff Call me Alan.
What? My friends call me Alan.
You just said your name was Geoff.
It is, but you can call me Alan.
Like in the song.
Look, whatever your name is Geoff, but you can call me Alan.
Look, Alan, whatever it is you want, why can't you just talk to me? You know, I'd love to, but this is kind of man business.
Is your husband in? No, he's not, and I suggest you leave before I call the police.
You know, look, Jane, can we just stop this for a second, please? This role-playing thing's really not working for me.
I'm not feeling at all sexy.
What are you talking about? Who's Jane? Oh, my God, you're not Jane, are you? No.
Jesus Christ, I'm so embarrassed, I must apologize.
You see, I thought you were my wife, Jane, dressed up in a disguise for the sexy role-play.
I'm not your wife, Alan.
Tim.
What? My real name's Tim.
Alan was just my role-playing nickname and Geoff's my role-playing real name.
My actual real proper name is actually It's actually Tim.
Well, Tim, I suggest you go home and you have a long lie down.
But this is my home.
No, Tim, no, you don't live here.
Oh, my God, where do I live then? Tim.
Ahhhh! It's me, it's Jane.
I was just having a role-play.
Jesus Christ! You scared the shit out of me.
So tell me, do you feel a little bit sexy now? I do a bit, yeah.
Oh, well, that's excellent, come on, quick-quick! This tribunal is to assess the state of mind of Donald Smith, to determine whether he is fit to be released from this secure mental facility.
It's 15 years since the incident that first brought Mr Smith here, so I am perhaps as anxious as he is to get these proceedings underway.
Let us first start with his medical assessment, if you would be so kind, please, Doctor Bennett? Thank you, your honour, as the board will see from my submitted psychiatric report, an independent panel of doctors has found Donald to be of completely sound mind.
That's very encouraging.
Do the prison staff feel the same way? Yes, ma'am.
As governor of this facility, I can recommend his immediate release without hesitation.
Well, it's all looking very rosy for you, Donald, and lastly let us hear from Mr Blancmange.
As much as I wish I could, I'm afraid I can't be so encouraging.
It doesn't please me to say this, but if Donald can see and hear me, a talking blancmange, then he must really still be very mentally disturbed.
Thank you for your input, Mr Blancmange.
No problem.
Well, Donald, sorry to say that Mr Blancmange's testimony has rather put the cat amongst the pigeons, and I cannot now recommend your release.
We will reconsider your case in five years.
Why don't we just say six? OK, Mr Blancmange, why not? Six it is.
Tribunal adjourned.
You bastard, Blancmange! It's hardly my fault if he can see me!