There's... Johnny! (2017) s01e01 Episode Script

1 ANDY: I don't even know how this happened [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[SOFT UPBEAT MUSIC.]
[UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS ON TV.]
And now, here's Johnny! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ON TV.]
Johnny was always such a big part of our life.
[SOFT UPBEAT MUSIC.]
I mean, I watched him with my family every night.
I'm Johnny Carson.
I'm from, um I'm from Nebraska.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ON TV.]
You never been to Norfolk, have you? - I have.
- It's a nice town.
JOHNNY: It's a little small.
Our leading industry is dust.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHTER ON TV.]
Our school mascot was a tumbleweed.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHTER ON TV.]
There's a flu going around out here.
It's the Vietnam flu.
It's a strange bug.
It drags on for years and goes away just two weeks before election.
All I really wanted was to do something to make my parents happy.
So I wrote to Mr.
Carson for an autographed picture for them.
And then, and I don't know where this came from, but I wrote, "Also, they'd really love me to get a job, "so if there's any professional television stuff on your show I can do, I'd love to come work for you.
" [UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Well, the picture came.
And then, there was a separate letter just for me.
[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE.]
[CHEERFUL MUSIC.]
It's crazy how some things work out.
S01E01 Andy goes to Hollywood [BUS BRAKES SQUEAL AND HISS.]
Yes, sir? Can I help you? "Tonight Show," please.
You want to see - "The Tonight Show"? - Yes, sir.
I have this letter here.
Do you know what time it is? Sure.
It's it's five to eleven.
[CHUCKLES.]
Right.
Right.
It's 11:00 at night.
- Yes.
- Yes! Oh, well, I know the show doesn't start till 11:30, but I figured I would get here a little bit early.
[LAUGHS.]
Are you yanking my chain? Am I what? The show starts at 11:30 on television.
- Right.
- They don't make it at 11:30.
They make it at 5:30.
So there's nobody here but me and you and maybe a raccoon.
I suggest you turn around, go back home, come back tomorrow afternoon, and wait in line like everybody else.
- Oh! Whoops! - What the hell? I-I-I ooh.
Can I can I please go get that? - Yeah, yeah, go ahead.
- I'm-I'm so sorry.
Go ahead.
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
[LIGHTS CLICKING ON.]
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
[NO AUDIBLE SOUND.]
[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE.]
Psst.
Psst.
Psst.
- [TRILLS TONGUE.]
- Ah! Good morning, buttercup.
- Are we lost? - No.
I'm, uh, I-I'm not lost.
I-I-I work here.
[ZIPPER RASPS.]
I mean, I'm-I'm supposed to work here.
My name is Andy Klavin.
I'm from Valentine, Nebraska.
I have this letter here.
- "Tonight Show.
" - Uhhuh.
I'm so sorry it's wrinkled.
Okay, first of all, what are you doing with the chicken? Nobody touches the chicken.
I don't touch the rubber chicken.
I'm sorry.
You guys can go.
I don't think he's dangerous.
- Are you dangerous? - No.
[BELL RINGS.]
All right, Nebraska, come with me.
And don't touch anything.
[SAME LIGHT MUSIC.]
[PHONES RINGING.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
"Tonight Show.
" Who's calling, please? Did you get enough to eat? Yes, ma'am.
Thank you very much.
Come here.
Let me show you something.
[PHONES RING IN BACKGROUND.]
- Know what that is? - Mmmm.
Requests for autographs from Mr.
Carson from this morning.
We get a stack this size about, uh, three times a day.
These are the letters that we send with every picture.
"Welcome to 'The Tonight'" [SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
This is the same letter I got.
It's [SIGHS.]
It's a very sweet story that you told us about your parents.
You seem like a very nice young man, but, yeah, our hiring process is a bit more sophisticated.
Maybe we can give you a nice, little tour later or something.
Okay, so George Carlin missed his flight, and nobody knows where the fuck he is! Kind of puts a big, fat hole in our show for tonight! Who's this? Are you a runner? Um, a-a little in high school, but He isn't anything.
This is [GASPS.]
Wait, wait, wait.
Is this [WHISPERS.]
Nebraska? Yeah, uh, Andy Klavin.
But how did how did you Oh, my God! We were just talking about you.
The the picture for your father and the letter that you thought was Can I keep him? Seriously, for the day? That new runner's totally useless.
He didn't show up again, and I'm seriously shorthanded.
I'll feed him, and I'll walk him.
I promise.
And I bet I can get the show to pay for your bus back to Nebraska.
What do you say? Cool.
- Andy? - Mmhmm.
Come.
You know people think this is such a glamorous job - Which I suppose it is, but - Morning, sweet Joy.
Morning, Angelo.
Angelo is our wardrobe genius.
Sweetheart of a guy.
Just the best.
Anyways, everybody thinks this is such a glamorous job, but you have no idea how hard everybody works.
- Good morning, dollface.
- Freddie.
Bumped into your father last night at The Polo Lounge, with Gregory Peck well, your father was.
I was, alas, with my wife and a remarkably uninteresting couple my wife knows from you know, I'm not exactly sure who these people were.
And who's this? New courtship? No, no no.
This is, um he's just helping out for the day.
Ah, wonderful, wonderful.
Okay.
Well, look, in any case, your father looked splendid, and I told him you were doing a bang-up job here, so let's not make a liar out of me now.
Carry on.
[KNOCKS ON WALL.]
Fred de Cordova, executive producer.
He smells really good.
Marlboros, cologne, and a steady flow of gin.
You know, people think that just because everybody knows my father, it makes my job easier, but trust me, it makes things a thousand times harder.
And I'll tell you something else.
Any word on George Carlin? Not yet, but I have faith.
That's my girl.
I don't really have faith.
What was I saying? Oh, yeah, personal life.
[GROANS.]
You know, the show moved out here from New York just a couple months ago, so there's so much bullshit between the New Yorkies and the new crew, which is really tiring, I have to say.
I mean, it's fine, but if I'm still working here by the time I'm 30, I swear to God I will shoot Hey, Joy! "Joy of Sex"! Still funny.
It just never gets old.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Writers.
Who's the, uh, pet monkey? This happens to be a guest of mine.
- Ohh.
- His name is Mr Andy.
Andy Klavin.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Andy Klavin! Oh, my God! Well, that's a good, strong comedy name you got there, mister.
Oh, Mr.
Klavin, look at you! Hi, Mr.
Klavin! Why did he say, "joy of sex"? From that book, "The Joy of Sex.
" It's a book.
My name is Joy.
"Joy of Sex.
" Ugh, they're animals.
Well, Mike, Jim, and Alan are nice.
Mitch is an asshole.
Which one is Mitch? The asshole.
All right, what else we got? Anything? Uh, yeah, okay.
I-I-I-I think this one works.
Uh, the staff got me a gift lovely set of glassware.
The reason it took so long? They had to make 12 visits to the Mobil station.
- Ha, good.
- Mmm funny.
- It's good.
- That's funny.
- Funny.
- All right, I got one.
Uh, in the election, you know, McGovern's getting a little bit worried, okay? Uh, George McGovern met with Cardinal Cooke yesterday.
Uh, Cardinal Cooke said to McGovern, "I'm sorry, George, but even He's voting for Nixon.
" "Even He's voting for Nixon," you know? "He," God.
Even God's not voting for McGovern, guys.
No, I-I get it.
It's just it's not clear.
Yeah, who's "He"? The Cardinal? McGovern? It's confusing.
You know what? Fuck all of you.
It's a good joke.
Is-is "Texaco station" funnier than "Mobil station"? - Jesus, Alan! - Because "Texaco" has - a double "kuh.
" - Oh, for God's sakes, Alan! - Tex-a-co.
- Okay.
You know where the parking lot is, yeah? - Uh, yes.
- Okay, well, I am in spot 408.
- Whoa! - It's a bluish-green Mercedes.
- Do not comment.
- I-I wasn't.
Anyway, uh, in the trunk or maybe the back seat is a overnight bag, which normally wouldn't even be there, but I had to sleep at my parents' last night because my father has become such never mind.
Uh, just please get the bag and bring it back here.
- Think you can do that? - Absolutely.
Great.
And I know exactly how much money is in my wallet, so don't get any ideas.
- [STAMMERS.]
- I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
But seriously, you better not go through the bag and touch my underwear and stuff.
I'm kidding! [LAUGHS.]
Actually, that one, I'm really not kidding.
I mean, I trust you.
You have an honest face.
How old are you? I'm 19.
How old are you? Mm-mm.
You do not ask women that.
- Really? - No! [PHONE RINGS.]
Okay.
Go, get bag, come back.
Okay.
- I'm 24.
- MAN: Hello? Really? Because I would have guessed much - Just go.
- Uh, hello? This is Joy.
[OVERLAPPING CHATTER.]
- Hey, Andy Klavin! - Yeah? Quick.
What's the funniest-sounding gas station? Shell.
- Klavin - That's good.
- With a winner! - All right.
That's funny.
Very nice - Good, thank you.
- Mr.
Klavin! I'm done talking about this, Ricky.
I'm done talking about it.
Yeah, well, that's how breaking up works.
Sorry.
No, you can't come up right now.
I don't care if you're in the building! I'm working! I'm hanging up now.
[SLAMS PHONE DOWN ON RECEIVER.]
You okay? Yes.
Men.
[SIGHS.]
[PLAYFUL JAZZY MUSIC.]
[MUMBLING.]
Okay.
Use this key.
[LOCK CLICKS.]
[SULTRY SAXOPHONE FLOURISH.]
[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE.]
Oh! Ow! What the fuck do you think you're doing? What? Nothing! I-I-I was just Just stealing my girlfriend's shit? Hey.
Hey! Hey-hey-hey, he's okay! He's okay! He works here, okay? Joy asked him to get her that.
You know, you're not supposed to be here, Ricky.
From what I understand, you and Joy have parted ways.
I'm Angelo, by the way.
Joy asked me to keep an eye on you.
- Andy.
Andy.
- Andy, huh? Haven't heard of you.
I-I'm new.
She try and get in your pants yet? - What? - She will.
And you'll think you're real special, but you're not.
It's what she does.
She's a user.
She uses people.
Well, she's been very nice to me.
Oh! [GROANS.]
Okay, okay! That's enough.
Don't say I didn't warn you! - Hey! - [GROANS.]
Yeah, go.
Come here.
[GROANING.]
Come here.
Oh, shoot.
Oh, no.
[GROANS.]
Come on.
Just so you know, the boyfriend before him I liked even less.
Okay, okay.
Oh, my God! This is fucking embarrassing.
I am so sorry.
Are you okay? Yeah, yeah.
I'm-I'm fine.
But your boyfriend does not seem like a very nice guy.
Oh, he's not my boyfriend, and I know.
I know, trust me.
I don't always pick the best.
All right, here we go.
It might be best for you to just lie down for a while.
Oh, I appreciate it, but I'm-I'm really okay, okay.
Maybe, maybe for a-a few minutes.
Shoes.
I'm-I'm so sorry.
[GENTLE MUSIC.]
[TVS CLICK ON.]
[STATIC DRONES.]
[TV BROADCAST TONE PLAYS.]
sound like a terrific audience and we're delighted to have you.
I know you're gonna have a great time with Johnny tonight.
Give yourselves a hand.
Come on.
Give yourselves a hand.
That's great.
Have a great time! Have a great time.
[LIVELY JAZZ MUSIC.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[LAUGHS.]
What? What? Your Cardinal Cooke-McGovern joke made it in.
Yeah, it's a good joke.
[LAUGHS.]
Yeah, no, yeah, we're gonna find out, I guess.
- Hippies.
You know hippies? - I know, I know.
George Carlin is here.
Oh [CHUCKLES.]
- Thank you, thank you, ahh.
- Good.
Don't you just love show business? Hmm? BOTH: He's voting for Nixon.
- Yeah.
ALL: Even He's voting for Nixon.
- All right, okay.
- Even He's voting All right, everybody, let's quiet down.
We're rolling in five, four, three [BAND PLAYS "JOHNNY'S THEME".]
From Hollywood, "The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson.
" This is Ed McMahon, along with Doc Severinsen and the NBC Orchestra, inviting you to join Johnny and his guests, Florence Henderson, Orson Bean, George Carlin, and Dr.
Melvin Anchell.
And now [BOTH SPEAKING INAUDIBLY.]
Here's Johnny! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[INAUDIBLE.]
["JOHNNY'S THEME" ENDS.]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
JOHNNY: Hiyooo! What a good crowd.
[CHEERING CONTINUES.]
- Look out.
- [IMITATES ROADRUNNER BEEPS.]
Is that really love or the applause sign up there? Huh? What heavens.
This group looks like a bunch of rejects from Magic Mountain tonight.
Um The staff gave me a belated gift today.
I got a beautiful set of glassware.
It was very nice.
The reason it took so long? They had to make 12 visits to the Shell station.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHTER.]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[ED MCMAHON LAUGHS.]
- Hey, we got a wink.
- That wasn't a wink.
- That was a look.
- A look is as good as a wink.
Bullshit.
A look is here.
A wink is here.
It's here, all right? - That was not a fucking - FRED: Boys, hey.
It was a gift, you know? Sorry, sorry, Fred.
When is the election is November 7th, - right? - Right.
Did you read in the paper today that McGovern met with Cardinal Cooke in New York yesterday? And Cardinal Cooke said to McGovern, he says, "George, "I don't know how to tell you this, but even He's voting for Nixon.
" That's gotta be kind of tough, you know, to get that.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yes, sir.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
That's Cardinal Cooke did that.
It's because he didn't say it right.
[WHISPERS.]
God, I'm stupid! Little confusing.
Either way, it'll work.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHTER.]
- Hiyooo! - Heyo! Well, we'll be right back after a word from one of our sponsors.
[BAND PLAYS UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC.]
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE.]
[MUSIC ENDS.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Oh, shit.
Why is he looking at us? - We fired? - Just relax.
- He was winking at you.
- No, that's a look.
Not a good one.
He gets the letter that we sent, and somehow, he thinks he has a job here.
Sweet kid.
From Nebraska, actually.
- Valentine? - I know Valentine, Nebraska.
Boys told me he wrote the Shell station joke.
- Really? - Well, the "Shell" part.
Huh.
[BAND PLAYS UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC.]
[APPLAUSE.]
And he's got a new album called "Class Clown.
" Would you welcome, please, a most inventive gentleman, George Carlin.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[BAND PLAYS FUNKY R&B MUSIC.]
[MUSIC ENDS.]
- Hello, George.
- How you doing? - How you been? - Feeling fine.
Read about you today.
What'd they do to you in Milwaukee? Well, I had have a part of my presentation called "The Seven Words You Cannot Say on Television," and one policeman, out of a lot of policemen, took exception.
"Huh? He can't say that! What? Hey!" They arrested you for? GEORGE: Disorderly conduct, profanity, and the next day, the district attorney asked the policeman, and he said, "Well, you were there.
What did the audience do?" He said, "Well, they gave him a standing ovation.
" [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.]
Many psychiatrists today have much more liberal attitudes on sex than you do, if that is the correct word.
And, uh, do you consider yourself really much more conservative than your other practitioners? Well, John, I understand why you say that because there is a great amount of permissiveness and free love, and perversion in today's society.
I hate this guy.
I hate this fucking guy.
We have almost come to accept it, but it isn't a question of conservativism.
- Right.
- It's not a question of liberalism.
It's a question of, what helps sustain life and what destroys life? - And that's all it amounts to.
- Well, I didn't know we were exactly gonna get into the areas of fellatio and cunnilingus tonight, but since we're in that area JOHNNY: (IN THE BACK) You say perversionality Now, as you know, the laws of many, many states - in the country - JOY: How could you do that? JOHNNY: There are laws, uh Do you not realize how fucked-up that is? No, I don't I don't want anything from you! Just put I'm I just [GRUNTS.]
Just put Mom on the phone, please.
- That is called perversion.
- Well What's the matter with you? She's sick! I'm sorry, I'm just I'm not your friend, I'm your daughter.
The vast number of practicing clinicians [SLAMS PHONE DOWN ON RECEIVER.]
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
[SNIFFLES AND SIGHS.]
We have gone overboard - Hey.
- [SIGHS.]
But it's time [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Are you all right? No.
[BREATHING SHAKILY.]
I'm not.
My mom's getting sicker.
And my father Who who the hell cheats on somebody with cancer? [SOBBING.]
It just sorry.
It just hasn't been a really good day.
[SOBBING.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER ON TV.]
Doctor, a qualifying question.
Are you saying that the only thing that isn't perverted is the good, old-fashioned, American, man-on-top, get-it-over-with-quick- and-get-off? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[SOBBING.]
An answer to George's question.
There is more to sex than just the physical orgasm.
There is also a love relationship, a valuation of the person - that you're involved with.
- Absolutely.
[SIGHS.]
GEORGE: Yeah, and a woman is unable to obtain uh, pleasure from sex, which we assume is allowed.
The pleasure is allowed, and the husband finds that another method frees her and allows her happiness and lets him love her more, and her enjoy it and him and love him more, how can that be wrong? [AUDIENCE CHEERING.]
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have done that.
Well, we have to take a break here anyway.
- I'm gonna read your book.
- We'll be right back.
I promise you, I'm going to read that book.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Ugh! Let's just pretend that never happened, okay? Um, and I swear to God, if you tell anyone about this, - I will - I-I won't.
I promise.
JOHNNY: Well, I guess it's time to wrap up our clinic tonight.
Uh, thank you, George.
Good night.
Thank you all.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Whoo! [BAND PLAYS UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC.]
[MUSIC ENDS.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Nebraska, it's your lucky day.
Word is, we're gonna find you a job here.
Don't get too excited.
I don't know what the job is gonna be yet.
It won't be exciting, and the pay will be nothing to speak of, but you won't have to get back on that bus tonight after all.
I don't I don't know what to say.
- Say, "Thank you.
" - Well, thank you.
Thank you.
Welcome to Hollywood, kiddo.
[CHUCKLES.]
Thank you.
Okay.
Do you have a place to stay? No.
Do you have any idea how to find one? Mm-mm.
What do you have? Uh, nothing.
All right.
We can set you up.
Come with me.
[LIGHT UPLIFTING MUSIC.]
I don't think I like this fucking kid.