Thirtysomething (1987) s01e01 Episode Script
Pilot
1 There isn't enough time.
Shh.
There's time.
I think I heard her.
You did not hear her.
Shh! You're right.
I didn't hear her.
He's really funny.
He makes me laugh.
- That's worth something.
- I mean, it's true.
He is basically this very nice person But? Last night the argument was about where you sit in a movie theater.
He says right-brained people sit on the left, so now I'm not creative.
I haven't said a word to him about his polyester shirts.
Am I allowed to have a relationship with someone who wears polyester shirts? They're not even blends? Can we get down to the main issue here? Oh, I don't know.
Sex is Actually, sex is pretty not too bad.
So, he's really nice, he's really funny, - he's really great in bed - Shh.
And he wears polyester shirts.
You're right.
Forget it.
I really miss you.
I always kind of liked this in the dark.
Michael, are you okay? I love you.
We're so lucky.
Now, you have to go through with this.
Everybody in there is waiting for you.
You don't realize what a step this is for me.
I've never even attended a wedding before.
Listen to me.
If you wimp out now, you're going to regret it for the rest of your life.
Wait.
What if this is wrong? What What if we're all making a terrible mistake here? It's not too late to stop it.
Now, we are going in there and we are taking up our positions just like we did in rehearsal.
I'm going to be there right next to you.
And when the rabbi and the minister ask you, all you do is hand me the ring.
You can do it, Gar.
That's why you're my best man.
What is this? It's my foot.
What did you think it was? I don't know.
An animal, maybe.
Like a squirrel or a turtle or something.
You are so seriously deranged.
What are you doing? It's weird that I can't feel anything when I touch it.
I've been around this foot so long, it feels like it should be mine.
I can feel it.
Start with high-impact plastic.
You want to talk construction? Aircraft aluminum, the best of its kind.
Feel the rubber on those things.
$278 for a stroller.
- Oh.
- Honey? Mmm, I really like this.
Wait.
Wait, wait, wait.
- Stop.
- No.
Why are you stopping? Oh, no.
It's not bad yet.
She'll go back to sleep.
- Grendel, come on.
- Here you go, honey.
You gotta eat something.
He hates that food.
He did not say that.
Melissa! I thought we had Raisin Bran.
Honey, if you're looking for the Raisin Bran, I'm afraid I didn't get to the store.
No Raisin Bran? Ninsky, what am I going to do? Are you kidding? I can't eat any cereal.
- Because I'm too fat.
- No, you're not fat.
I keep promising Michael I'd go to the gym.
- It's so hard.
- Would you stop it with the gym? Honey, this is it for the milk? Spitting it up does no good.
He says he doesn't, but he does.
No, no, no.
I don't think you're fat.
- Come on, Grendel, please.
- But you think I could lose some weight.
I refuse to get into trouble for something that I'm not thinking, but may or may not have thought at some earlier time and felt guilty about it, even though I don't think you're fat.
He thinks I'm fat.
Do I get, like, small if I drink this? That would never work.
Because it's sleazy, Mr.
Teller.
Hasn't that occurred to you? No, no, no, no.
Their campaign isn't sleazy.
I love their campaign.
I wish I had done their campaign, but I didn't do their campaign.
Therefore, if I steal their campaign, it's sleazy.
It doesn't matter what their sales were afterwards.
Am I speaking English here? Plagiarism, theft, taking things that aren't yours? Well, you know something? You're right.
And one of the privileges of being a bunch of amateurs is we still have the illusion of doing our own work and having a little integrity, which I now see any further association with your business or, in fact, you personally, would make me sick to my stomach and throw up! Uhh! Mr.
Teller? Hi.
Mike's partner Elliot.
Listen.
Mike's had an unfortunate accident, and he's dead.
And I just want to tell you how much I like the idea of stealing a Clio Award-winning campaign and especially how much I like the idea of $200,000.
Because without that $200,000, we're going out of business, and that's what my partner forgot, and that's why he's dead.
I don't know what happened.
I was right across the street.
I was early.
And then I saw these incredibly cute socks Hold it.
Sit.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Man, I'm so tired.
I've been in the office until 10 every night this week.
Look at the bags under my eyes.
Do you know how many people I have under me? You ready for weirdness? - 27.
- You're kidding me.
No.
All of sudden, Gannon thinks I'm God's gift to city services, you know? How's your stomach been? Terrible.
Terrible, really.
It's stress.
Total stress.
Total stress.
- She's okay? - Yeah.
She's so cute.
Yeah.
I told him I'm quitting after six months.
It's politics and maneuvering.
That's all it is.
- Well, you should quit.
- I'm gonna quit.
There are so many other things that you can do.
Come on, you.
You take the bottle.
What's wrong? We're trying the concept of pre-weaning.
We're trying the idea that sometimes, maybe, we can drink from a bottle instead of mommy.
You know what I've been thinking about lately? I've been thinking about opening up some kind of store, like a bicycle store or something like that.
I imagine that would be a quieter existence.
I think we're gonna be bicycling.
Oh, you think it's me, huh? No, I think you don't know how to Come on, sweetie.
Take it easy.
Yeah, you're right.
Mm-hmm.
Hey, sweetie, come on.
I'm gonna have to take her home.
I mean, something's really wrong with her.
You don't think that'll just stop? - Ellyn - No.
It's none of their business - if the baby's crying.
- It's not them.
I mean, something's bothering her.
I can't just ignore it.
Oh! Oh.
I'm sorry.
Okay.
You go.
You should go.
And then we'll do this again, next week or sometime.
M-Maybe you can even get a sitter? I'm really sorry.
I was so looking forward I was so looking forward to doing this and being with a grownup for just an hour.
I'll call you tomorrow.
Okay, sweetie? Okay.
I really miss you.
Yeah, I miss you, too.
Go.
Go, go, go.
It's okay.
Hi, honey.
Uh-oh.
Look who's here.
- Hey.
- Hey.
What are you doin' here? I'm making a play for your wife.
What's it look like? It looks like you're making play for my wife.
Iam making a play for your wife.
Yeah? Take my wife.
I'm taking your wife.
Who's dealing with dinner? Because Come here.
Mmm.
I'm not dealing with it.
You staying for dinner? Are you? Where's Tuzuki? Asleep.
Asleep? She's supposed to be asleep now? If you wake her up, I'm gonna slit your throat.
Yeah, but won't you be awake later? You don't want to deal with it later, Michael.
Listen to you people.
This is disgusting.
Should she be asleep? Should she be awake? What is she, a show dog? Lighten up! Yeah, what do you know? I was a baby once.
Once? Ha, ha, ha.
I thought they were coming today.
They did.
Oh.
Hey, I'm not wimped-out like you people are.
There's got to be more to life than getting a baby to sleep.
What are you, joined at the hip? No, just the breast, Gar.
Don't use that word with me.
Hey, hey.
Stick to the nubile undergraduates, Gar.
- Thank God you're here.
- I feel the same way.
You won't believe this.
I have to get something to eat first.
- Hello, Melissa.
- I hate you.
- You have a male appendage.
- Have you checked recently? I wouldn't be too sure.
What happened? He went to New York last weekend.
His mother was sick.
- Guess who he slept with.
- His mother.
Darlene McKennon.
You introduced him to Darlene McKennon.
I introduced him to Darlene McKennon because he desperately needed background on the redevelopment plans of Brooklyn Heights.
Can you believe that he slept with her? It doesn't matter who he slept with.
He shouldn't be sleeping with anybody at all.
It matters to me who he slept with! I was doing him a favor! Let him pick up his own floozies.
Melissa, he's supposed to be in love with you.
He shouldn't be sleeping with anybody at all.
Will you let me be mad at what I want to be mad at? It's not up to him for being mad at sleeping with anybody.
I want to be mad at him for sleeping with Darlene McKennon, the bitch! - I thought you liked her.
- Um, Melissa? Where you going? Out.
You know what you need? You need a change of venue.
Let's go backpacking.
- What a great idea.
- Yeah.
We'll go backpacking.
You'll dump this fleabag.
I can't believe you're even saying the word "backpacking.
" Why? It wasn't so bad.
Yeah.
It's no worse than the Donner party.
Wait a minute.
That wasn't so bad.
So Gary and I argued a little.
You tried to stab him with a tent pole.
He deserved it.
He was breaking up with me.
No, you were breaking up with me.
But we're past that now, aren't we, adorableness? Absolutely, honey lips.
Come on.
This is a great idea, you guys.
Look at you.
You're so tired.
You need a break.
- Yeah.
- Come on.
Let's go backpacking.
I don't think we can take a baby backpacking, can we? Wait.
Who said anything about taking the baby? Just the four of us like before.
It'll be fun.
Who can we leave her with? It's not exactly like we can leave her with my parents, even if they weren't 2,000 miles away.
You get a baby-sitter! She's not gonna be traumatized.
- Yeah,we will.
- Uh, guys, I don't know.
Oh, come on! This is your chance for fun and adventure.
You know? Rekindle that old romance you once knew? Don't be wimps.
Oh, stop it.
I hate that word.
It's just we have responsibilities, that's all.
How's that for a word? R Re Resp Responsibili Respons Responsibility.
Hmm.
She's so pretty.
Yeah, I know.
What if she grows up ugly? I think about that, too.
What if she grows up poor? Will you stop worrying? Oh, listen, you don't know what I did today.
Start packing the bags.
We're closing in the morning.
I blew off the Teller account.
- Well, good.
Teller's a yutz.
- Yeah.
I can always go back to work.
No.
You're not gonna go back to work until you want to go back to work.
I make plenty of money when I'm not going bankrupt.
Hi.
Did you do your homework, Mike? Is your business going bankrupt? Your brother's business isn't going bankrupt.
Stop.
What is it? Why don't you just talk to her about it? How am I supposed to talk to her? She's been your friend for 47 years.
You just tell her, "Ellyn, I'm a little upset.
You haven't noticed I've had a kid for the past seven months.
" Ellyn and I don't deal with each other that way.
Ellyn and you don't deal with each other.
Thank you.
Hey.
Let's go backpacking.
Michael.
Come on.
We're allowed to have a life, aren't we? What's wrong with spending a few nights away from your kid after seven months? What am I supposed to do, interview baby-sitters? How do you interview baby-sitters? "Good morning.
Are you a genius? "Are you totally wonderful and kind? "Have there been any child molesters in your family for the last 12 generations?" Seems to hit the main points.
Ohh bed! Ohh! How can anything feel as wonderful? So, are you tired? You're not tired? No.
I'm kinda keyed-up.
Don't worry about it.
I'll think about baby-sitters tomorrow.
If I think about baby-sitters today, I'm gonna go crazy.
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Ethan in nursery school when he was one, and they laughed at me.
I mean If you're talking about pre-school, you should've done it in utero.
Ethan? You see Glassman's new campaign? About the lima bean? They kept throwing out the lima beans Ethan, now, are we going to have to have another little talk about this? Ethan.
Freakin' high school.
I got pictures of him dancing naked at Woodstock.
We could blackmail him.
You're kidding me.
What does this do for the kids? And then I wonder what we're getting them into.
Ethan, do you have to Come on, honey.
Come on.
Mommy'll get you some more milk.
Come with me.
Honey.
Honey.
Can you watch him for a moment, please? Hey.
Young man.
Come on.
Come on.
How many times I gotta tell you to stop bothering your sister? What do I gotta do to get you learn, huh? - Oh, hi.
Still here? - Hi.
I thought you two had retired to the drawing room for brandy and cigars.
Hey, we're just talkin' men stuff here.
Don't worry your pretty little head about it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Okay.
Uh Sticky.
Houses with kids are always sticky.
Nancy didn't finish one sentence the entire evening.
Is our house sticky? I'll find a baby-sitter.
Like, once, with my baby brother, I once dropped him.
I, like, dropped him! But he was okay, you know, because, like, babies' bones are really soft.
Did you know that? It's, like, so cool! I feel babies are a lot like soda pop bottles.
If you want those bubbles to rise, you gotta shake 'em and shake 'em.
Now, crying is very good for a baby.
It's very good for the lungs for a baby to cry.
After all, you don't want to make a sissy out of him and slobber all over him every time you pick him up.
But if he continues to cry, maybe you pinch the bottom just a little bit and then spank him a little harder.
And then you put him down, and everything will be all right.
And you get used to the noise after a while anyway, don't you see? All right.
We have to do something, right? I mean, why don't we advertise ourselves? Right? Because we gotta be really aggressive, or we're gonna be really in the toilet.
Right? So So, ri We really Uh What is going on here? All right.
It's like this.
A bunch of Australopithecines out on the savannah, right? And And the ones who win out are the ones who can spot, like, a great-lookin' Australopithecine rear end at 400 yards.
And the Australopithecine girls are really into it.
They're thinkin', "Hey, if this guy can spot me from two miles off" "and beat up all these other apes, he must be one hell of a hunter-gatherer.
So I'm just gonna wiggle my rear end a little bit.
" Two million years later, what do you got? You got a bunch of guys in jackets and ties, supposed to be working, and what are they doing? What are you doing? Looking at women on the street.
Exactly.
That's called "evolution.
" But what I don't understand is, what are we supposed to do about it? I mean, it's just there, right? Are we supposed to suffer? Ignore it? Have an operation? I don't know.
Ooh.
Do you think some people actually do anything about it? No.
Would you ever do it? The real question is, would you ever tell me? - Would you? - Yes.
I would tell you.
- I'd have to tell somebody.
- That's the truth.
- So? - So, what? - Have you? - Have you? No.
Have you? Wait.
Excuse me? Wait a minute.
No.
Wait a minute! "Excuse me?" Never mind.
When? I don't believe this.
With who? Everything.
Right now! No.
It was last year.
All right? I don't want to talk about it.
My God.
It's Cheryl Eastman? Now, look, I really don't want to talk about it.
You slept with Cheryl Eastman? - Shh! - What, you slept with Cheryl Eastman? - Shh! Come on! - Where? At the office? - No! It was someplace else! Michael, it was no bid deal.
- How many times? - How many times? - Six! Six? What, occasions? Six acts? Occasions.
You had an affair.
I don't believe it.
That what an affair is? I thought I was having a protracted nightmare.
Do you know how hard it's been not to talk about this? I mean I d I just didn't know how to begin to tell you.
It was probably great, too.
No.
It was not great.
I'm telling you, it was not great.
The first time we did it was the most humiliating night of my life.
After that, it settled into being merely horrible.
All right, the second time we did it was great, but after that, it was horrible.
Does Nancy know? I don't even know.
It's like our lives are so busy, and well, I guess she started to lose interest in sex, and I guess I was mad or having two kids was too hard, but it's like once I did this No, before I did this, I couldn't buy a present for her without blabbing about what it is.
I couldn't keep a secret from her.
And then all of a sudden, I'm I'm lying.
I'm making things up.
And And the worst part about it is, is it's It's totally easy.
It's like there's some psychopath lying around inside me just waiting for a chance to jump out.
So you recommend this to all your friends as a worthwhile experience.
You see the thing is is, you know, once you do it Once you do it, now it's real.
Now it's Now it's this thing that's with you.
And you can't tell her about it.
And what you get is What you get is this this abyss.
And you don't know how you're ever gonna cross it.
Ohh I got it.
Let me see.
June! I'm home! In here, Ward.
We're painting faces again.
Hi, Naney.
Hi, Baney.
Hi, Laney.
Aw, you look disgusting.
How was work? I never talk about work at home.
How was work? Work is wonderful.
Work is thrilling.
I'm completely fulfilled and well paid.
Who asked you, anyway? What's coming in the water? What is that? A shark? No! Oh, no! Good-bye, baby girl.
Aaahhh Be careful.
Ohh Who's the baby on the beach? Who's taking the bath? I can't believe her.
Do all kids radiate light, or is it just her? Hey, hey, hey.
Sit.
I did not get a chance to talk with you.
Baby-sitters? Can we talk about it later? That good.
We are never gonna have a baby-sitter.
We are never going to leave this house.
We're never gonna have a life until she's 30 and she can baby-sit for us.
Honey.
Honey, are you hungry? I just need to rest for a minute.
Never mind.
I'm sorry I didn't get to the market.
There's frozen stuff, I think.
Any idea where I might find it? It's kind of, uh Never mind.
I didn't get a chance to clean up.
I'm sorry.
You can clean up, too, you know.
I gave her a bath.
I put her to bed.
I come home from work.
What, you don't think I do anything all day? What do you think I do all day? I have cleaned up three times today.
I just got it cleaned up since 5:00.
So it's a mess in there.
I'm sorry.
Never mind.
Go to sleep.
So, what? You met all these baby-sitters today and, uh, what? None of them were any good? Exactly.
How many? How many? Seven.
And, what, they were too old, they were too weird? What What were they? You want to interview them? You stay home all day and interview them.
You stay home with her and try to figure out what it is she needs every five minutes.
I mean, if we get somebody who's really old, I don't know.
I mean, is she going to walk around enough, or is she just gonna put her down and let her cry? If we get somebody who doesn't speak English, maybe she'll know what to do in an emergency, and maybe she won't.
If we get somebody who's young, is she responsible? What? Who's she gonna call when the baby chokes? And today, when she's crying for an hour, I don't know what to do.
And I finally get her to stop.
Do you think that someone else is gonna be able to take care of her? Hey.
Shh.
Shh.
She was crying for an hour today? What was it? - I don't know.
- Nothing.
Oh, shh.
- I I gave her some orange juice.
- Mm-hmm.
Then I But I didn't have any more apple juice, because I didn't go to the store because I'm a terrible mother.
Oh, shh.
Shh.
Why don't you go to sleep.
Okay? And, um, I'll clean up.
And if you get hungry, later I'll make you something.
So I know.
Shh.
It's okay.
We'll find a baby-sitter.
Okay.
Shh.
Here we go.
Minus ten degrees.
No, no, no, no, no.
We'll roast in that thing.
Oh, I forgot.
You have your own supplemental female heating system.
Oh, right, and you've never made it with anyone backpacking.
Oh, what? Well, I mean do you mean have I ever taken a woman backpacking, or have I ever met a woman backpacking and then had sex with her? I never even thought of that.
Just forget it.
I don't want to know.
Well, it was It was great.
I mean, this girl was, like, on the America ski team.
I mean, she was healthy.
You know, that that's the thing with healthy women.
See, they're really into it.
Plus, their, uh their bodies are totally flexible.
So we were we were together for a couple of days.
But then she was gonna be with these guys and go hang-gliding off of the mountain.
So I figured, sex is one thing, death is another.
Um So h-how how is it, now that she has a baby? I hear there's some, you know, anatomical d changes that The same as ever.
Oh.
At least she's beautiful.
You know? She'll lose the weight.
Hello.
I've been thinking all night, and I made a decision.
Okay.
You need to go back to work.
Oh, God.
Thank you for making my morning.
Really.
I've never seen you like you were yesterday.
You're really suffering, and you need to find a way out of it.
Ellyn, I am not suffering.
I am having a perfectly delightful life taking care of my child, and Michael is doing his best to support us.
I'm not talking about money.
I'm talking about you.
When was the last time you did anything for yourself? When was the last time When was the last time you went to a movie? Or went shopping, even? Shopping.
There's a concept.
I mean, you looked terrible yesterday.
So here's what I think you should do.
Set some new priorities.
Call Shilliday.
Can't hurt.
Just call him.
Tell him, um, that you want to go back to work even part-time.
For you.
Shilliday is out of the question.
He was furious enough when I got pregnant.
"This job takes total dedication.
" So sue the jerk.
That's illegal.
Ellyn good-bye.
I'm saying this because I love you.
You know that.
Good-bye.
I had to hide 'em from Brittany.
The only time she cares anything about her clothes is when I try to give them away.
You know, it's disrespectful to give someone's clothes away.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
I heard you're going camping.
Some year.
Under the stars.
No kids.
Sounds so romantic, it's obscene.
- Yes, it is, isn't it? - Yeah.
Yeah, rocks under your sleeping bag, bears attacking you in the middle of the night No kids to get up and feed! Really, I want to hear every illicit detail.
Thanks again for the clothes.
Sure.
See ya.
Bye.
Isn't that nice? Are they sticky? Stop it.
That was weird.
What? Nancy seemed really interested and wanted to know if we were having sex.
Why is that weird? I don't know.
I just I don't think of Nancy as being very interested, that's all.
When are you gonna understand that everybody's interested? Oh, some people are more interested than other people.
Michael, can we please not hear about how women are biologically programmed to be less interested in sex? Even among women, some are more interested than others.
And Nancy's not interested.
I don't know if Nancy's interested.
You just said she's not interested.
No, no, no.
I said I think she's not interested.
What did Elliott tell you about Nancy? Elliott did not tell me anything about Nancy.
Can't I have my own opinions? Why do you have that look on your face? I don't have a look on my face.
He told you something about Nancy.
He told me nothing about Nancy.
You told him something about me.
Honey, stop this.
Michael, you're the worst liar in the world.
There's something you're obviously not telling me, and I think that you should.
There's nothing to tell! Okay.
Okay.
Nancy not interested in sex.
All right.
Nancy's Nancy's frigid.
No, no, no, no.
Elliott's frigid.
Impotent.
Elliott's impotent? No.
Men are impotent.
Women are frigid.
You said Elliott was frigid.
Elliott's not impotent.
Oh, never mind.
Please, please never mind? Now, just why do you always have to do this? God.
He had an affair.
Did he really? Can we please forget this? He had an affair, and Nancy doesn't know.
Oh, God.
Was it just one? Tell me.
Michael, this is really upsetting.
I mean, please tell me if he's a total jerk or this is just something that happened, in which case, - he's only somewhat - One time.
Apparently, it was pretty awful.
Well, good.
It serves him right.
Oh, please, Hope.
This is not what I needed to hear today.
Why did you tell me this? Well,I didn't have an affair! Are you sure? Do you want me to check and make sure? Yes.
Mmm.
I'm sure.
Ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma Whoo! Here comes the 747.
Open up.
Yeah! Oh, yeah.
What a good baby.
Is every baby this good? I want this baby.
Can I have her? I know, I know.
How am I ever gonna have a baby? I'm dating babies.
You're crazy.
I love your body.
It's totally out of proportion.
Yeah, well, wait till you have one.
You'll learn all about proportion and stretch marks - and gravity.
- Would you please tell her how great she looks? I tell her every day.
I tell her how great her kid looks and how great her life looks.
Oh, I love this song.
Why don't we go next-door and crash that party? They're 18.
Young meat.
Hey, that's no joke.
The older brother's really cute.
Get him over here! Hey, kid, you wanna meet a horny 31-year-old?! Can't we ask him to baby-sit or something? He's an illiterate zombie.
At least he isn't married.
So, who is gonna stay over when we go backpacking? Do you remember when we were 18? I mean, how can they be 18 when we're 18? Who is gonna stay over? You know I actually lied about my age last week? I told some guy I was born in '60.
I don't know anyone who was born in '60.
Ooh.
Not now.
- Why? - You guys are disgusting.
- Michael.
- I want to know why.
- Can't you wait till I'm out the door? - Bye.
- Don't go, Melissa.
Go, Melissa.
I'll walk you to the door, Melissa.
12:24.
She'll wake up in one hour and 36 minutes.
You okay? You still mad? Michael, I told you I would start to look for a sitter again on Monday.
Can't we just drop this? I'm gonna call the police.
Michael, it's Saturday night.
They're allowed to have a party on Saturday night.
You led me to believe that you were working on this, and you weren't.
Now, what am I supposed to think? - You assumed I was working on it.
- Come on! You know, you could've asked.
You could've tried to help.
You want me to look for a sitter? I'll look for a sitter.
But you better watch out because I'll find one.
And I don't want to find a sitter? You don't want to go.
What does that mean? I'm going over there.
You are not going over there.
They're kids.
We were kids, too.
Remember? I just think that you don't want to go.
I don't know what I want.
Don't you think I want to spend a couple of nights alone with you? I wouldn't mind a few nights by myself, either.
I just don't know if I'm ready to leave her yet.
We are talking about two nights! - It is not just two nights.
It is a whole attitude.
- Shh! Don't tell me to be quiet.
Michael, I have to be so available to her all day, every minute.
I don't know how to turn that off.
I don't know if I'm supposed to turn that off.
Maybe that's what being a good mother is all about.
Ellyn thinks that I'm too good a mother.
You think I'm gonna end up like Nancy.
Everybody is a critic.
All I know is that Jane is happy.
Aren't I allowed to be proud of that? Okay.
So, then, we won't go.
Is that terrible? You hate me? No.
I don't hate you.
Just tell me I haven't become my mother.
Damn.
Look, it's 12:30! You want to turn down the damn music?! Hey! You want to turn down the music?! Chill out! - What'd you say?! - You heard me! It's 12:30! Turn down the damn music! Do you want me to come over there and beat your face in, you little fart?! You turn down the damn music! Really.
It's okay.
N-No.
It It's okay.
You have to do what you have to do.
Yeah.
I mean, uh, it's a tough time.
Well, it's not like we don't want to go.
No.
It's just that we don't think it can work out right now.
Guys, it's okay.
People have kids.
You know, priorities change.
Old friends don't mean anything anymore.
- No, I understand.
- Come on, Gary.
Well.
I have to go.
Look, are people mad here? I'm not mad.
I never liked you people, anyway.
Melissa? I'll call you when we get back.
Okay? Hey.
What's 12 years of friendship, anyway? Yeah.
Are the sleeping bags okay? No, no.
They're fine.
Uh, I just I didn't realize that we had these other ones at home.
They're not as good as these.
These, um These have this really great Velcro.
Okay.
All I need is your receipt.
Excuse me.
Uh, do you know what temperature these go down to? I think they go down to minus ten.
Really.
I need a warm bag.
I get so cold when I sleep.
Yeah.
Me, too.
Uh, do you have these in the burgundy ones that I saw back there? - Yeah.
Sure do.
Come this way.
- Great.
I bought the kind that zip together just in case you might want to come with me.
Whee! Okay.
Shall we do it again? Yeah, we do.
We want to go down on the slide.
You know, it's weird to be in a park without tear gas.
Janey, look who came to see us.
How'd you find us? Ium I just really wanted to talk to you be because - something weird is going on, and - Ellyn.
I'm upset about it.
No, it's not terrible.
Just I don't know.
It occurs to me we haven't spoken in six days.
Oh, Ellyn, my life I mean everything is chaos.
And you don't feel ready to do anything about it.
Okay, I don't really get this.
Did you come here to yell at me? I'm not yelling at you.
I'm asking you.
- I called you with what I thought was a good way.
- What you thought.
To change the situation that you're in, and then you don't call me for six days.
Ellyn, you don't understand the situation I'm in.
I don't sleep at night.
My husband is mad at me.
And And there I am, caring for this this creature who's of me.
But this connection I've never had with anyone before.
She's the best thing that has ever happened to me.
I don't know how to separate myself from that.
I don't know that I want to.
And I don't think you understand that.
I can understand that.
Ellyn you never even look at her.
You never ask about her.
You hardly acknowledge her existence.
Okay.
I called you two days after she was born.
I saw you a week after ten days after Saw me.
You didn't see her.
What the hell was the present I gave her? Ellyn, you bought her a book of Arthur Rackham fairy stories.
It's beautiful.
I loved it.
But she's not gonna read it until she's ten.
- Oh, I see.
- I don't mean to criticize your present.
- Thanks.
- It's a wonderful present.
I'm just saying that Please don't get defensive.
You can't just look the other way and pretend she's not there.
She's a part of me.
I'm a part of your life, too.
And I have prior claim.
You can't just turn your back on people who care about you you know.
You Just like in high school.
You would get a boyfriend, and then oh, where's Hope? Lynnie, I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.
I mean, I'm not exactly ignorant of the looks.
What looks? "Poor Ellyn can't find a man.
" "Poor Ellyn is too wrapped up in her career.
" - Which is a lot of bull.
- I never say that stuff.
Oh, can't we be honest with each other after all these years? You think it.
What, we're not supposed to be friends anymore? I can't seem I Who said anything about that? Can't I be upset? Can't we both be upset? You know I can't deal with conflict of any kind.
I know.
Maybe we're just going our separate ways.
Oh, that sounds awful.
Can't we just go our separate ways and still be friends? Can't we just respect what the other person is doing? But I respect you so much.
Do you respect me? Do I respect Don't you understand? Of course I respect you.
I'm jealous of you.
But I'm jealous of you.
Oh, God.
By the time we get through with the campaign, you won't even be able to tell it's a rip-off.
Hey, he didn't have to be so damn patronizing about my apology.
"Hey, I know you kids got principles.
"That's what I like about you.
You wanna do your thing.
" I hate this! What are we doing here? Why did we start this business? To do our thing.
We won't always have to deal with sleazeballs like Teller.
We'll deal with higher class sleazeballs.
We'll come back to win another day.
But right now, we got two wives, three kids, four cars, two mortgages, a payroll.
And that's life, pal.
You be the breadwinner now.
Is that what I am? I didn't hear you come in.
There's food.
I got to the store.
Michael? Um I spent every day this week trying to figure out a way to keep us from going under.
I mean, the business, from going under.
And I couldn't.
So I crawled back to Teller today.
I sold out.
Honey, why didn't you tell me? I tried to tell you.
You made jokes about it.
Because you don't want to hear it and I don't blame you.
I'm supposed to deal with this stuff.
I earn the money now.
Michael, I keep telling you, I don't expect that of you.
You're doing this incredibly brave thing.
I don't want you to have to compromise.
But you're going back to work is a compromise, too.
You love her, you don't want to go back to work now.
This is just not according to plan.
Whose plan? Our lives are so full now.
We have a wonderful baby that we love so much and who needs us.
Well, then why do I feel so terrible? God, you know, I hate people who talk like this.
I know we're lucky.
It's just that I have been so angry.
And, uh, I don't know, embarrassed, because I feel like a two year old.
And you're not paying enough attention to me, and you're not cooking, and you're not rubbing my head at night.
And you're not taking care of me like you used to.
And, um I see you being this incredible mother to Jane and, um I know that's one of the reasons why I married you in the first place.
On top of which, you've always been my best friend.
And I've always told you everything.
Only now I can't because they're all about you and I'm afraid that you're gonna hear it and you'll just explode or you know, you'll kill me.
You can tell me.
No, I can't.
It's too hurtful.
See, I don't want to be Elliot and Nancy.
I don't want to be attracted to other women.
Are you attracted to other women? Not really.
Then, what's so hurtful? I'm sorry.
I admit it.
I really liked our life.
I liked the fact that you were beautiful and I liked the fact that you were exciting.
I liked the fact that you had a dirty mind.
And you were there for me.
Oh.
Don't you think that I want to be there and interested in sex every night and exactly how I was before? I do.
I love you.
But Michael, we have to learn to talk about all this or it's gonna get us.
I think other people had kids before.
So why is this so hard? Because we expect too much.
Because we've always gotten too much.
I think that our parents got together in 1946 and said let's all have lots of kids and give them everything that they want and so they can grow up and be totally messed up and unable to cope with real life.
And dance by the light of the moon
Shh.
There's time.
I think I heard her.
You did not hear her.
Shh! You're right.
I didn't hear her.
He's really funny.
He makes me laugh.
- That's worth something.
- I mean, it's true.
He is basically this very nice person But? Last night the argument was about where you sit in a movie theater.
He says right-brained people sit on the left, so now I'm not creative.
I haven't said a word to him about his polyester shirts.
Am I allowed to have a relationship with someone who wears polyester shirts? They're not even blends? Can we get down to the main issue here? Oh, I don't know.
Sex is Actually, sex is pretty not too bad.
So, he's really nice, he's really funny, - he's really great in bed - Shh.
And he wears polyester shirts.
You're right.
Forget it.
I really miss you.
I always kind of liked this in the dark.
Michael, are you okay? I love you.
We're so lucky.
Now, you have to go through with this.
Everybody in there is waiting for you.
You don't realize what a step this is for me.
I've never even attended a wedding before.
Listen to me.
If you wimp out now, you're going to regret it for the rest of your life.
Wait.
What if this is wrong? What What if we're all making a terrible mistake here? It's not too late to stop it.
Now, we are going in there and we are taking up our positions just like we did in rehearsal.
I'm going to be there right next to you.
And when the rabbi and the minister ask you, all you do is hand me the ring.
You can do it, Gar.
That's why you're my best man.
What is this? It's my foot.
What did you think it was? I don't know.
An animal, maybe.
Like a squirrel or a turtle or something.
You are so seriously deranged.
What are you doing? It's weird that I can't feel anything when I touch it.
I've been around this foot so long, it feels like it should be mine.
I can feel it.
Start with high-impact plastic.
You want to talk construction? Aircraft aluminum, the best of its kind.
Feel the rubber on those things.
$278 for a stroller.
- Oh.
- Honey? Mmm, I really like this.
Wait.
Wait, wait, wait.
- Stop.
- No.
Why are you stopping? Oh, no.
It's not bad yet.
She'll go back to sleep.
- Grendel, come on.
- Here you go, honey.
You gotta eat something.
He hates that food.
He did not say that.
Melissa! I thought we had Raisin Bran.
Honey, if you're looking for the Raisin Bran, I'm afraid I didn't get to the store.
No Raisin Bran? Ninsky, what am I going to do? Are you kidding? I can't eat any cereal.
- Because I'm too fat.
- No, you're not fat.
I keep promising Michael I'd go to the gym.
- It's so hard.
- Would you stop it with the gym? Honey, this is it for the milk? Spitting it up does no good.
He says he doesn't, but he does.
No, no, no.
I don't think you're fat.
- Come on, Grendel, please.
- But you think I could lose some weight.
I refuse to get into trouble for something that I'm not thinking, but may or may not have thought at some earlier time and felt guilty about it, even though I don't think you're fat.
He thinks I'm fat.
Do I get, like, small if I drink this? That would never work.
Because it's sleazy, Mr.
Teller.
Hasn't that occurred to you? No, no, no, no.
Their campaign isn't sleazy.
I love their campaign.
I wish I had done their campaign, but I didn't do their campaign.
Therefore, if I steal their campaign, it's sleazy.
It doesn't matter what their sales were afterwards.
Am I speaking English here? Plagiarism, theft, taking things that aren't yours? Well, you know something? You're right.
And one of the privileges of being a bunch of amateurs is we still have the illusion of doing our own work and having a little integrity, which I now see any further association with your business or, in fact, you personally, would make me sick to my stomach and throw up! Uhh! Mr.
Teller? Hi.
Mike's partner Elliot.
Listen.
Mike's had an unfortunate accident, and he's dead.
And I just want to tell you how much I like the idea of stealing a Clio Award-winning campaign and especially how much I like the idea of $200,000.
Because without that $200,000, we're going out of business, and that's what my partner forgot, and that's why he's dead.
I don't know what happened.
I was right across the street.
I was early.
And then I saw these incredibly cute socks Hold it.
Sit.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Man, I'm so tired.
I've been in the office until 10 every night this week.
Look at the bags under my eyes.
Do you know how many people I have under me? You ready for weirdness? - 27.
- You're kidding me.
No.
All of sudden, Gannon thinks I'm God's gift to city services, you know? How's your stomach been? Terrible.
Terrible, really.
It's stress.
Total stress.
Total stress.
- She's okay? - Yeah.
She's so cute.
Yeah.
I told him I'm quitting after six months.
It's politics and maneuvering.
That's all it is.
- Well, you should quit.
- I'm gonna quit.
There are so many other things that you can do.
Come on, you.
You take the bottle.
What's wrong? We're trying the concept of pre-weaning.
We're trying the idea that sometimes, maybe, we can drink from a bottle instead of mommy.
You know what I've been thinking about lately? I've been thinking about opening up some kind of store, like a bicycle store or something like that.
I imagine that would be a quieter existence.
I think we're gonna be bicycling.
Oh, you think it's me, huh? No, I think you don't know how to Come on, sweetie.
Take it easy.
Yeah, you're right.
Mm-hmm.
Hey, sweetie, come on.
I'm gonna have to take her home.
I mean, something's really wrong with her.
You don't think that'll just stop? - Ellyn - No.
It's none of their business - if the baby's crying.
- It's not them.
I mean, something's bothering her.
I can't just ignore it.
Oh! Oh.
I'm sorry.
Okay.
You go.
You should go.
And then we'll do this again, next week or sometime.
M-Maybe you can even get a sitter? I'm really sorry.
I was so looking forward I was so looking forward to doing this and being with a grownup for just an hour.
I'll call you tomorrow.
Okay, sweetie? Okay.
I really miss you.
Yeah, I miss you, too.
Go.
Go, go, go.
It's okay.
Hi, honey.
Uh-oh.
Look who's here.
- Hey.
- Hey.
What are you doin' here? I'm making a play for your wife.
What's it look like? It looks like you're making play for my wife.
Iam making a play for your wife.
Yeah? Take my wife.
I'm taking your wife.
Who's dealing with dinner? Because Come here.
Mmm.
I'm not dealing with it.
You staying for dinner? Are you? Where's Tuzuki? Asleep.
Asleep? She's supposed to be asleep now? If you wake her up, I'm gonna slit your throat.
Yeah, but won't you be awake later? You don't want to deal with it later, Michael.
Listen to you people.
This is disgusting.
Should she be asleep? Should she be awake? What is she, a show dog? Lighten up! Yeah, what do you know? I was a baby once.
Once? Ha, ha, ha.
I thought they were coming today.
They did.
Oh.
Hey, I'm not wimped-out like you people are.
There's got to be more to life than getting a baby to sleep.
What are you, joined at the hip? No, just the breast, Gar.
Don't use that word with me.
Hey, hey.
Stick to the nubile undergraduates, Gar.
- Thank God you're here.
- I feel the same way.
You won't believe this.
I have to get something to eat first.
- Hello, Melissa.
- I hate you.
- You have a male appendage.
- Have you checked recently? I wouldn't be too sure.
What happened? He went to New York last weekend.
His mother was sick.
- Guess who he slept with.
- His mother.
Darlene McKennon.
You introduced him to Darlene McKennon.
I introduced him to Darlene McKennon because he desperately needed background on the redevelopment plans of Brooklyn Heights.
Can you believe that he slept with her? It doesn't matter who he slept with.
He shouldn't be sleeping with anybody at all.
It matters to me who he slept with! I was doing him a favor! Let him pick up his own floozies.
Melissa, he's supposed to be in love with you.
He shouldn't be sleeping with anybody at all.
Will you let me be mad at what I want to be mad at? It's not up to him for being mad at sleeping with anybody.
I want to be mad at him for sleeping with Darlene McKennon, the bitch! - I thought you liked her.
- Um, Melissa? Where you going? Out.
You know what you need? You need a change of venue.
Let's go backpacking.
- What a great idea.
- Yeah.
We'll go backpacking.
You'll dump this fleabag.
I can't believe you're even saying the word "backpacking.
" Why? It wasn't so bad.
Yeah.
It's no worse than the Donner party.
Wait a minute.
That wasn't so bad.
So Gary and I argued a little.
You tried to stab him with a tent pole.
He deserved it.
He was breaking up with me.
No, you were breaking up with me.
But we're past that now, aren't we, adorableness? Absolutely, honey lips.
Come on.
This is a great idea, you guys.
Look at you.
You're so tired.
You need a break.
- Yeah.
- Come on.
Let's go backpacking.
I don't think we can take a baby backpacking, can we? Wait.
Who said anything about taking the baby? Just the four of us like before.
It'll be fun.
Who can we leave her with? It's not exactly like we can leave her with my parents, even if they weren't 2,000 miles away.
You get a baby-sitter! She's not gonna be traumatized.
- Yeah,we will.
- Uh, guys, I don't know.
Oh, come on! This is your chance for fun and adventure.
You know? Rekindle that old romance you once knew? Don't be wimps.
Oh, stop it.
I hate that word.
It's just we have responsibilities, that's all.
How's that for a word? R Re Resp Responsibili Respons Responsibility.
Hmm.
She's so pretty.
Yeah, I know.
What if she grows up ugly? I think about that, too.
What if she grows up poor? Will you stop worrying? Oh, listen, you don't know what I did today.
Start packing the bags.
We're closing in the morning.
I blew off the Teller account.
- Well, good.
Teller's a yutz.
- Yeah.
I can always go back to work.
No.
You're not gonna go back to work until you want to go back to work.
I make plenty of money when I'm not going bankrupt.
Hi.
Did you do your homework, Mike? Is your business going bankrupt? Your brother's business isn't going bankrupt.
Stop.
What is it? Why don't you just talk to her about it? How am I supposed to talk to her? She's been your friend for 47 years.
You just tell her, "Ellyn, I'm a little upset.
You haven't noticed I've had a kid for the past seven months.
" Ellyn and I don't deal with each other that way.
Ellyn and you don't deal with each other.
Thank you.
Hey.
Let's go backpacking.
Michael.
Come on.
We're allowed to have a life, aren't we? What's wrong with spending a few nights away from your kid after seven months? What am I supposed to do, interview baby-sitters? How do you interview baby-sitters? "Good morning.
Are you a genius? "Are you totally wonderful and kind? "Have there been any child molesters in your family for the last 12 generations?" Seems to hit the main points.
Ohh bed! Ohh! How can anything feel as wonderful? So, are you tired? You're not tired? No.
I'm kinda keyed-up.
Don't worry about it.
I'll think about baby-sitters tomorrow.
If I think about baby-sitters today, I'm gonna go crazy.
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Ethan in nursery school when he was one, and they laughed at me.
I mean If you're talking about pre-school, you should've done it in utero.
Ethan? You see Glassman's new campaign? About the lima bean? They kept throwing out the lima beans Ethan, now, are we going to have to have another little talk about this? Ethan.
Freakin' high school.
I got pictures of him dancing naked at Woodstock.
We could blackmail him.
You're kidding me.
What does this do for the kids? And then I wonder what we're getting them into.
Ethan, do you have to Come on, honey.
Come on.
Mommy'll get you some more milk.
Come with me.
Honey.
Honey.
Can you watch him for a moment, please? Hey.
Young man.
Come on.
Come on.
How many times I gotta tell you to stop bothering your sister? What do I gotta do to get you learn, huh? - Oh, hi.
Still here? - Hi.
I thought you two had retired to the drawing room for brandy and cigars.
Hey, we're just talkin' men stuff here.
Don't worry your pretty little head about it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Okay.
Uh Sticky.
Houses with kids are always sticky.
Nancy didn't finish one sentence the entire evening.
Is our house sticky? I'll find a baby-sitter.
Like, once, with my baby brother, I once dropped him.
I, like, dropped him! But he was okay, you know, because, like, babies' bones are really soft.
Did you know that? It's, like, so cool! I feel babies are a lot like soda pop bottles.
If you want those bubbles to rise, you gotta shake 'em and shake 'em.
Now, crying is very good for a baby.
It's very good for the lungs for a baby to cry.
After all, you don't want to make a sissy out of him and slobber all over him every time you pick him up.
But if he continues to cry, maybe you pinch the bottom just a little bit and then spank him a little harder.
And then you put him down, and everything will be all right.
And you get used to the noise after a while anyway, don't you see? All right.
We have to do something, right? I mean, why don't we advertise ourselves? Right? Because we gotta be really aggressive, or we're gonna be really in the toilet.
Right? So So, ri We really Uh What is going on here? All right.
It's like this.
A bunch of Australopithecines out on the savannah, right? And And the ones who win out are the ones who can spot, like, a great-lookin' Australopithecine rear end at 400 yards.
And the Australopithecine girls are really into it.
They're thinkin', "Hey, if this guy can spot me from two miles off" "and beat up all these other apes, he must be one hell of a hunter-gatherer.
So I'm just gonna wiggle my rear end a little bit.
" Two million years later, what do you got? You got a bunch of guys in jackets and ties, supposed to be working, and what are they doing? What are you doing? Looking at women on the street.
Exactly.
That's called "evolution.
" But what I don't understand is, what are we supposed to do about it? I mean, it's just there, right? Are we supposed to suffer? Ignore it? Have an operation? I don't know.
Ooh.
Do you think some people actually do anything about it? No.
Would you ever do it? The real question is, would you ever tell me? - Would you? - Yes.
I would tell you.
- I'd have to tell somebody.
- That's the truth.
- So? - So, what? - Have you? - Have you? No.
Have you? Wait.
Excuse me? Wait a minute.
No.
Wait a minute! "Excuse me?" Never mind.
When? I don't believe this.
With who? Everything.
Right now! No.
It was last year.
All right? I don't want to talk about it.
My God.
It's Cheryl Eastman? Now, look, I really don't want to talk about it.
You slept with Cheryl Eastman? - Shh! - What, you slept with Cheryl Eastman? - Shh! Come on! - Where? At the office? - No! It was someplace else! Michael, it was no bid deal.
- How many times? - How many times? - Six! Six? What, occasions? Six acts? Occasions.
You had an affair.
I don't believe it.
That what an affair is? I thought I was having a protracted nightmare.
Do you know how hard it's been not to talk about this? I mean I d I just didn't know how to begin to tell you.
It was probably great, too.
No.
It was not great.
I'm telling you, it was not great.
The first time we did it was the most humiliating night of my life.
After that, it settled into being merely horrible.
All right, the second time we did it was great, but after that, it was horrible.
Does Nancy know? I don't even know.
It's like our lives are so busy, and well, I guess she started to lose interest in sex, and I guess I was mad or having two kids was too hard, but it's like once I did this No, before I did this, I couldn't buy a present for her without blabbing about what it is.
I couldn't keep a secret from her.
And then all of a sudden, I'm I'm lying.
I'm making things up.
And And the worst part about it is, is it's It's totally easy.
It's like there's some psychopath lying around inside me just waiting for a chance to jump out.
So you recommend this to all your friends as a worthwhile experience.
You see the thing is is, you know, once you do it Once you do it, now it's real.
Now it's Now it's this thing that's with you.
And you can't tell her about it.
And what you get is What you get is this this abyss.
And you don't know how you're ever gonna cross it.
Ohh I got it.
Let me see.
June! I'm home! In here, Ward.
We're painting faces again.
Hi, Naney.
Hi, Baney.
Hi, Laney.
Aw, you look disgusting.
How was work? I never talk about work at home.
How was work? Work is wonderful.
Work is thrilling.
I'm completely fulfilled and well paid.
Who asked you, anyway? What's coming in the water? What is that? A shark? No! Oh, no! Good-bye, baby girl.
Aaahhh Be careful.
Ohh Who's the baby on the beach? Who's taking the bath? I can't believe her.
Do all kids radiate light, or is it just her? Hey, hey, hey.
Sit.
I did not get a chance to talk with you.
Baby-sitters? Can we talk about it later? That good.
We are never gonna have a baby-sitter.
We are never going to leave this house.
We're never gonna have a life until she's 30 and she can baby-sit for us.
Honey.
Honey, are you hungry? I just need to rest for a minute.
Never mind.
I'm sorry I didn't get to the market.
There's frozen stuff, I think.
Any idea where I might find it? It's kind of, uh Never mind.
I didn't get a chance to clean up.
I'm sorry.
You can clean up, too, you know.
I gave her a bath.
I put her to bed.
I come home from work.
What, you don't think I do anything all day? What do you think I do all day? I have cleaned up three times today.
I just got it cleaned up since 5:00.
So it's a mess in there.
I'm sorry.
Never mind.
Go to sleep.
So, what? You met all these baby-sitters today and, uh, what? None of them were any good? Exactly.
How many? How many? Seven.
And, what, they were too old, they were too weird? What What were they? You want to interview them? You stay home all day and interview them.
You stay home with her and try to figure out what it is she needs every five minutes.
I mean, if we get somebody who's really old, I don't know.
I mean, is she going to walk around enough, or is she just gonna put her down and let her cry? If we get somebody who doesn't speak English, maybe she'll know what to do in an emergency, and maybe she won't.
If we get somebody who's young, is she responsible? What? Who's she gonna call when the baby chokes? And today, when she's crying for an hour, I don't know what to do.
And I finally get her to stop.
Do you think that someone else is gonna be able to take care of her? Hey.
Shh.
Shh.
She was crying for an hour today? What was it? - I don't know.
- Nothing.
Oh, shh.
- I I gave her some orange juice.
- Mm-hmm.
Then I But I didn't have any more apple juice, because I didn't go to the store because I'm a terrible mother.
Oh, shh.
Shh.
Why don't you go to sleep.
Okay? And, um, I'll clean up.
And if you get hungry, later I'll make you something.
So I know.
Shh.
It's okay.
We'll find a baby-sitter.
Okay.
Shh.
Here we go.
Minus ten degrees.
No, no, no, no, no.
We'll roast in that thing.
Oh, I forgot.
You have your own supplemental female heating system.
Oh, right, and you've never made it with anyone backpacking.
Oh, what? Well, I mean do you mean have I ever taken a woman backpacking, or have I ever met a woman backpacking and then had sex with her? I never even thought of that.
Just forget it.
I don't want to know.
Well, it was It was great.
I mean, this girl was, like, on the America ski team.
I mean, she was healthy.
You know, that that's the thing with healthy women.
See, they're really into it.
Plus, their, uh their bodies are totally flexible.
So we were we were together for a couple of days.
But then she was gonna be with these guys and go hang-gliding off of the mountain.
So I figured, sex is one thing, death is another.
Um So h-how how is it, now that she has a baby? I hear there's some, you know, anatomical d changes that The same as ever.
Oh.
At least she's beautiful.
You know? She'll lose the weight.
Hello.
I've been thinking all night, and I made a decision.
Okay.
You need to go back to work.
Oh, God.
Thank you for making my morning.
Really.
I've never seen you like you were yesterday.
You're really suffering, and you need to find a way out of it.
Ellyn, I am not suffering.
I am having a perfectly delightful life taking care of my child, and Michael is doing his best to support us.
I'm not talking about money.
I'm talking about you.
When was the last time you did anything for yourself? When was the last time When was the last time you went to a movie? Or went shopping, even? Shopping.
There's a concept.
I mean, you looked terrible yesterday.
So here's what I think you should do.
Set some new priorities.
Call Shilliday.
Can't hurt.
Just call him.
Tell him, um, that you want to go back to work even part-time.
For you.
Shilliday is out of the question.
He was furious enough when I got pregnant.
"This job takes total dedication.
" So sue the jerk.
That's illegal.
Ellyn good-bye.
I'm saying this because I love you.
You know that.
Good-bye.
I had to hide 'em from Brittany.
The only time she cares anything about her clothes is when I try to give them away.
You know, it's disrespectful to give someone's clothes away.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
I heard you're going camping.
Some year.
Under the stars.
No kids.
Sounds so romantic, it's obscene.
- Yes, it is, isn't it? - Yeah.
Yeah, rocks under your sleeping bag, bears attacking you in the middle of the night No kids to get up and feed! Really, I want to hear every illicit detail.
Thanks again for the clothes.
Sure.
See ya.
Bye.
Isn't that nice? Are they sticky? Stop it.
That was weird.
What? Nancy seemed really interested and wanted to know if we were having sex.
Why is that weird? I don't know.
I just I don't think of Nancy as being very interested, that's all.
When are you gonna understand that everybody's interested? Oh, some people are more interested than other people.
Michael, can we please not hear about how women are biologically programmed to be less interested in sex? Even among women, some are more interested than others.
And Nancy's not interested.
I don't know if Nancy's interested.
You just said she's not interested.
No, no, no.
I said I think she's not interested.
What did Elliott tell you about Nancy? Elliott did not tell me anything about Nancy.
Can't I have my own opinions? Why do you have that look on your face? I don't have a look on my face.
He told you something about Nancy.
He told me nothing about Nancy.
You told him something about me.
Honey, stop this.
Michael, you're the worst liar in the world.
There's something you're obviously not telling me, and I think that you should.
There's nothing to tell! Okay.
Okay.
Nancy not interested in sex.
All right.
Nancy's Nancy's frigid.
No, no, no, no.
Elliott's frigid.
Impotent.
Elliott's impotent? No.
Men are impotent.
Women are frigid.
You said Elliott was frigid.
Elliott's not impotent.
Oh, never mind.
Please, please never mind? Now, just why do you always have to do this? God.
He had an affair.
Did he really? Can we please forget this? He had an affair, and Nancy doesn't know.
Oh, God.
Was it just one? Tell me.
Michael, this is really upsetting.
I mean, please tell me if he's a total jerk or this is just something that happened, in which case, - he's only somewhat - One time.
Apparently, it was pretty awful.
Well, good.
It serves him right.
Oh, please, Hope.
This is not what I needed to hear today.
Why did you tell me this? Well,I didn't have an affair! Are you sure? Do you want me to check and make sure? Yes.
Mmm.
I'm sure.
Ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma Whoo! Here comes the 747.
Open up.
Yeah! Oh, yeah.
What a good baby.
Is every baby this good? I want this baby.
Can I have her? I know, I know.
How am I ever gonna have a baby? I'm dating babies.
You're crazy.
I love your body.
It's totally out of proportion.
Yeah, well, wait till you have one.
You'll learn all about proportion and stretch marks - and gravity.
- Would you please tell her how great she looks? I tell her every day.
I tell her how great her kid looks and how great her life looks.
Oh, I love this song.
Why don't we go next-door and crash that party? They're 18.
Young meat.
Hey, that's no joke.
The older brother's really cute.
Get him over here! Hey, kid, you wanna meet a horny 31-year-old?! Can't we ask him to baby-sit or something? He's an illiterate zombie.
At least he isn't married.
So, who is gonna stay over when we go backpacking? Do you remember when we were 18? I mean, how can they be 18 when we're 18? Who is gonna stay over? You know I actually lied about my age last week? I told some guy I was born in '60.
I don't know anyone who was born in '60.
Ooh.
Not now.
- Why? - You guys are disgusting.
- Michael.
- I want to know why.
- Can't you wait till I'm out the door? - Bye.
- Don't go, Melissa.
Go, Melissa.
I'll walk you to the door, Melissa.
12:24.
She'll wake up in one hour and 36 minutes.
You okay? You still mad? Michael, I told you I would start to look for a sitter again on Monday.
Can't we just drop this? I'm gonna call the police.
Michael, it's Saturday night.
They're allowed to have a party on Saturday night.
You led me to believe that you were working on this, and you weren't.
Now, what am I supposed to think? - You assumed I was working on it.
- Come on! You know, you could've asked.
You could've tried to help.
You want me to look for a sitter? I'll look for a sitter.
But you better watch out because I'll find one.
And I don't want to find a sitter? You don't want to go.
What does that mean? I'm going over there.
You are not going over there.
They're kids.
We were kids, too.
Remember? I just think that you don't want to go.
I don't know what I want.
Don't you think I want to spend a couple of nights alone with you? I wouldn't mind a few nights by myself, either.
I just don't know if I'm ready to leave her yet.
We are talking about two nights! - It is not just two nights.
It is a whole attitude.
- Shh! Don't tell me to be quiet.
Michael, I have to be so available to her all day, every minute.
I don't know how to turn that off.
I don't know if I'm supposed to turn that off.
Maybe that's what being a good mother is all about.
Ellyn thinks that I'm too good a mother.
You think I'm gonna end up like Nancy.
Everybody is a critic.
All I know is that Jane is happy.
Aren't I allowed to be proud of that? Okay.
So, then, we won't go.
Is that terrible? You hate me? No.
I don't hate you.
Just tell me I haven't become my mother.
Damn.
Look, it's 12:30! You want to turn down the damn music?! Hey! You want to turn down the music?! Chill out! - What'd you say?! - You heard me! It's 12:30! Turn down the damn music! Do you want me to come over there and beat your face in, you little fart?! You turn down the damn music! Really.
It's okay.
N-No.
It It's okay.
You have to do what you have to do.
Yeah.
I mean, uh, it's a tough time.
Well, it's not like we don't want to go.
No.
It's just that we don't think it can work out right now.
Guys, it's okay.
People have kids.
You know, priorities change.
Old friends don't mean anything anymore.
- No, I understand.
- Come on, Gary.
Well.
I have to go.
Look, are people mad here? I'm not mad.
I never liked you people, anyway.
Melissa? I'll call you when we get back.
Okay? Hey.
What's 12 years of friendship, anyway? Yeah.
Are the sleeping bags okay? No, no.
They're fine.
Uh, I just I didn't realize that we had these other ones at home.
They're not as good as these.
These, um These have this really great Velcro.
Okay.
All I need is your receipt.
Excuse me.
Uh, do you know what temperature these go down to? I think they go down to minus ten.
Really.
I need a warm bag.
I get so cold when I sleep.
Yeah.
Me, too.
Uh, do you have these in the burgundy ones that I saw back there? - Yeah.
Sure do.
Come this way.
- Great.
I bought the kind that zip together just in case you might want to come with me.
Whee! Okay.
Shall we do it again? Yeah, we do.
We want to go down on the slide.
You know, it's weird to be in a park without tear gas.
Janey, look who came to see us.
How'd you find us? Ium I just really wanted to talk to you be because - something weird is going on, and - Ellyn.
I'm upset about it.
No, it's not terrible.
Just I don't know.
It occurs to me we haven't spoken in six days.
Oh, Ellyn, my life I mean everything is chaos.
And you don't feel ready to do anything about it.
Okay, I don't really get this.
Did you come here to yell at me? I'm not yelling at you.
I'm asking you.
- I called you with what I thought was a good way.
- What you thought.
To change the situation that you're in, and then you don't call me for six days.
Ellyn, you don't understand the situation I'm in.
I don't sleep at night.
My husband is mad at me.
And And there I am, caring for this this creature who's of me.
But this connection I've never had with anyone before.
She's the best thing that has ever happened to me.
I don't know how to separate myself from that.
I don't know that I want to.
And I don't think you understand that.
I can understand that.
Ellyn you never even look at her.
You never ask about her.
You hardly acknowledge her existence.
Okay.
I called you two days after she was born.
I saw you a week after ten days after Saw me.
You didn't see her.
What the hell was the present I gave her? Ellyn, you bought her a book of Arthur Rackham fairy stories.
It's beautiful.
I loved it.
But she's not gonna read it until she's ten.
- Oh, I see.
- I don't mean to criticize your present.
- Thanks.
- It's a wonderful present.
I'm just saying that Please don't get defensive.
You can't just look the other way and pretend she's not there.
She's a part of me.
I'm a part of your life, too.
And I have prior claim.
You can't just turn your back on people who care about you you know.
You Just like in high school.
You would get a boyfriend, and then oh, where's Hope? Lynnie, I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.
I mean, I'm not exactly ignorant of the looks.
What looks? "Poor Ellyn can't find a man.
" "Poor Ellyn is too wrapped up in her career.
" - Which is a lot of bull.
- I never say that stuff.
Oh, can't we be honest with each other after all these years? You think it.
What, we're not supposed to be friends anymore? I can't seem I Who said anything about that? Can't I be upset? Can't we both be upset? You know I can't deal with conflict of any kind.
I know.
Maybe we're just going our separate ways.
Oh, that sounds awful.
Can't we just go our separate ways and still be friends? Can't we just respect what the other person is doing? But I respect you so much.
Do you respect me? Do I respect Don't you understand? Of course I respect you.
I'm jealous of you.
But I'm jealous of you.
Oh, God.
By the time we get through with the campaign, you won't even be able to tell it's a rip-off.
Hey, he didn't have to be so damn patronizing about my apology.
"Hey, I know you kids got principles.
"That's what I like about you.
You wanna do your thing.
" I hate this! What are we doing here? Why did we start this business? To do our thing.
We won't always have to deal with sleazeballs like Teller.
We'll deal with higher class sleazeballs.
We'll come back to win another day.
But right now, we got two wives, three kids, four cars, two mortgages, a payroll.
And that's life, pal.
You be the breadwinner now.
Is that what I am? I didn't hear you come in.
There's food.
I got to the store.
Michael? Um I spent every day this week trying to figure out a way to keep us from going under.
I mean, the business, from going under.
And I couldn't.
So I crawled back to Teller today.
I sold out.
Honey, why didn't you tell me? I tried to tell you.
You made jokes about it.
Because you don't want to hear it and I don't blame you.
I'm supposed to deal with this stuff.
I earn the money now.
Michael, I keep telling you, I don't expect that of you.
You're doing this incredibly brave thing.
I don't want you to have to compromise.
But you're going back to work is a compromise, too.
You love her, you don't want to go back to work now.
This is just not according to plan.
Whose plan? Our lives are so full now.
We have a wonderful baby that we love so much and who needs us.
Well, then why do I feel so terrible? God, you know, I hate people who talk like this.
I know we're lucky.
It's just that I have been so angry.
And, uh, I don't know, embarrassed, because I feel like a two year old.
And you're not paying enough attention to me, and you're not cooking, and you're not rubbing my head at night.
And you're not taking care of me like you used to.
And, um I see you being this incredible mother to Jane and, um I know that's one of the reasons why I married you in the first place.
On top of which, you've always been my best friend.
And I've always told you everything.
Only now I can't because they're all about you and I'm afraid that you're gonna hear it and you'll just explode or you know, you'll kill me.
You can tell me.
No, I can't.
It's too hurtful.
See, I don't want to be Elliot and Nancy.
I don't want to be attracted to other women.
Are you attracted to other women? Not really.
Then, what's so hurtful? I'm sorry.
I admit it.
I really liked our life.
I liked the fact that you were beautiful and I liked the fact that you were exciting.
I liked the fact that you had a dirty mind.
And you were there for me.
Oh.
Don't you think that I want to be there and interested in sex every night and exactly how I was before? I do.
I love you.
But Michael, we have to learn to talk about all this or it's gonna get us.
I think other people had kids before.
So why is this so hard? Because we expect too much.
Because we've always gotten too much.
I think that our parents got together in 1946 and said let's all have lots of kids and give them everything that they want and so they can grow up and be totally messed up and unable to cope with real life.
And dance by the light of the moon