This Is England '90 (2015) s01e01 Episode Script
Spring
1 BELL RINGS Sausage or hot pot? Hot pot, please.
Chips or new potatoes? Erm, chips, please.
- What would you like, mate? - Erm? Can I have the chocolate crunch with mint custard please? Yes, we've got chocolate crunch but I don't think we've got any more mint custard.
Lol, have we got any more mint custard? If it's not in front of you, I ain't got any back here.
We've still got tonnes of coffee whip? - We've got coffee whip.
- Coffee whip? I know.
- Lol, is that mint custard I can smell? - Oh, Get out! Out! Out! - Sorry, sorry.
- Out! What you do you want? - Just a little bit of dinner.
A bit of that mint custard if it's going.
- No, we've got none left! We've got coffee whip.
What the fuck's coffee whip? Coffee.
Whipped.
Ew, Lol! At least tell me you've got chips today? - Have we got any chips back there, Lol? - No more chips today.
What? For fuck's sake, Lol.
Why do you always run out of chips? Everyone loves chips.
Just make more chips.
Make people happy.
Make some more chips.
Please, Lol.
Make some more.
Finished? What are we going to have instead? A fucking knuckle sandwich if you carry on, Gadget.
- I'm going to make some new potatoes.
- I don't like new potatoes.
- Get out! You'll get what you're fucking given.
Now go and wait round the back! Gone downhill this place.
Here he is.
How we looking, Gadge? Not very good, mate.
What's up? Well, we've got new potatoes, no chips and for dessert, we've got coffee whip.
Ooh, coffee whip's nice.
- Are you taking the piss? - No, it's nice.
My mum does it all the time.
It's dead nice.
What are you frowning for, it's free? It's not about the money, is it, Milk? It's about the nostalgia, isn't it? Like, that's why we come here.
I don't even know what that means.
It means having meals that we used to have when we were happy, when we were kids.
When have you ever ate new potatoes and felt happy? "Oh, here's a big plate of new potatoes.
Yeah, cheers, Mum.
" Do not worry, Gadge, them good times will come again.
Will they, though? Will they? THEY LAUGH MUSIC: There She Goes by The La's We're leaving Downing Street for the last time after eleven and a half wonderful years .
.
and we're very happy that we leave the United Kingdom in a very, very much better state than when we came here eleven and a half years ago.
Thank you very much.
Goodbye.
Hello, gorgeous boy.
Oh, here he is.
Where the fuck have you been? Oh, yeah, nowhere.
Just the usual.
FBI Gadget interrogating me about school dinners.
I swear to God, he's smelt a rat.
- Has he smelt a rat? - Yeah.
- Go on, what's happened? Well, it's the it's the it's the dinners.
It's the portions he's getting.
It's what he's getting.
- What's he come away with? - He knows, he knows that what's in our bag isn't in his bag.
- I'm telling you.
- How does he know? How does he know? He can't possibly bloody know, Milk, if it's in a bag! Yeah, but he hasn't actually seen in the bag because I've managed to fend him off until now.
- Good lad.
- But he can smell it.
I'm telling you, the guy's like a blood hound whenever it comes to anything deep-fried.
So what's he actually What's he come away with then? You see this is the problem, Woods, I actually feel sorry for him.
- He came away today with new potatoes and coffee whip.
- Oh, shit.
I mean, I had to pretend that I like coffee whip and I frickin' hate it.
I can't take this pressure any more! What do you mean you can't take this? It's partly your fault, really, isn't it? Cos - How? - Well, you've just got to be better at what you do! All right, then, here's a solution.
Here's a real good solution.
- I'll look after the kids tomorrow - Oh, no.
.
.
and you Yeah! And you, you go and deal with him.
No.
You can't swap horses halfway through a race, can you? When's that ever been done? If you want to fix this fast, take him out of the queue! Right, well, that's what needs to happen.
Take him out of the queue.
Listen, what's going to happen if I pull him out? He's manipulative when it comes to food.
What will he do? He's going to go straight to Mr Skipper, that's what he's going to do.
He's going to go in that office, he's going to pull the plug on the whole thing.
I don't know what else What do you want me to tell you? - I'm going to have to think on it.
- He's daft as shit when it comes to anything in life except for food.
Food, I know, I know.
It's just not bloody right.
What's not bloody right, love? Taking food from kids.
I'm not taking it from the kids.
If they, if we didn't eat it, it would just go in the bin.
It's from the last sitting.
There's loads of food in the cupboards here, Shaun, - I just don't see the logic in walking two miles for some.
- It's not the same, is it? You can't recreate a good school dinner at home.
- It's just not right! - What? Sausage and chips? What's wrong with my sausage and chips? Nothing, it's just I don't know.
No-one knows, do they? It's just school dinners are loads better than normal.
Sausage has seen better days.
It looks grey.
Shaun, is now a good time to talk about college? No, no, it's not.
Never is a good time to talk about college.
You know you've got to do something about that, Shaun.
I don't want to go back to college, Mum! I've told you this - Why not, love? - .
.
a million times, cos it's shit.
Everyone's up their own arses.
I don't fit in there.
It's not my cup of tea.
I don't want to go.
You were great in that school play.
Oh, back to this again, are we? Well, if you would've persisted at that, just think where you'd be now.
Mum, I hated that fucking course.
You know I did.
Shaun, it wasn't the course that you hated, it was getting caught up in between that young girl's legs.
- I don't know what you were thinking? - How embarrassing! It's bloody true.
I don't want to talk about it, Mum.
- I know you - I don't want to talk about it, Mum.
I know you've been upset about Michelle.
I know you have.
- I understand that.
- Mum! But you can't spend your life sat around here, and you're never going to meet a young lady, sat around that flat, - smoking them funny fags like them lot.
- Mum! One, I don't miss Smell, and two, I'm off out tonight as it happens.
Where are you going? Off down to town hall.
There's a Madchester thing on.
What's a bloody Madchester thing when it's at home? Well, it's like a disco.
Have you never heard of The Stone Roses or the Happy Mondays or owt? Yes, I have, actually.
Waste of space.
You can't hear a word they're saying.
They look like they need a bloody good wash and a good sleep and an haircut.
MUSIC: Hallelujah by Happy Mondays Is it really, really out of the question to ask for half a cigarette or? It's finding half a cig to be honest with you, mate.
Bit of mix then instead? Three quarters there.
Spot on, brother, thank you.
Thank you very much.
What? What is this show? Is it It should be called bummy, bummy, bum box telly.
It's WrestleMania, Kel.
It's a sport.
- It's gay.
- It's a sport.
- Look at these athletes, playing a sport.
- Warriors.
Warriors.
Is there warriors in that? It's not even real.
They're warriors.
They're trained.
Their bodies are trained to fight each other.
So you're telling me, your attention right now is not going to them fat, cute, packed little pants.
- Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
- Why would we be looking at their pants? Look at his sweat patch.
It started from his, his "gootchel" area.
- He's working hard, isn't he? - And he's sweating all the way up to his bumbershnuck pack.
These guys are sweating because they're These guys are modern day gladiators, mate.
All that's missing here is lions and a guy doing, doing all that shit.
I bet you're getting a - a little titchy-tatchy tuna dicky.
- Fuck off! MUSIC: Pour Some Sugar On Me by Def Leppard Oh, what the flipping aid is that? Fuck knows.
That is unreal, man.
That is literally offending my ears, that is.
That is fucking ear rape.
Where's it gone? Freeze! Only joking.
We're not the cops.
Flip and Higgy.
Good to see you.
Good to see you both.
You look far out, man.
You're looking well, both of you.
- Similar.
- Cheers.
It's not an accident.
- Was that your music, was it? - Absolutely.
- Awful, man.
It's hurting.
- Oh, come on.
- Loud.
- What you into? Roses and shit? - Yeah.
- It's gay.
- It's gay? - Yeah.
Proper.
- And it's a fucking con.
- Yeah.
Elizabeth My Dear.
Ten seconds long.
What you going to do during that? You can't cruise very far.
- Not in ten seconds.
- Not in ten seconds.
- Nice one.
- Ten second cruise.
- Cheers, lads.
Wicked.
What the fuck do you want, man? Why are you here? It's funny you should say that, Harv.
I'm after some of the, er, dopas mopas por favor? - The what? - Come on, Harv, you know what he means, mate.
No, I don't.
I ain't got a clue.
A bit of Pat Cash.
What? Some of the old, er, wacktoria backtoria.
Are you assuming I'm some drug dealer or summat like that? - Whoa, whoa, whoa! Let's not throw words around like that, Harvey.
- Sh.
I think we're safe here, lads, to be honest with you.
You know, word on the street, you're the Pablo Escobar on this estate.
- Yeah? - We've just come to see you.
OK.
Right, what do you want, then? - A quid's worth.
- A quid's worth? Just for tonight.
Get it back in the morning.
You won't even know it's gone.
- Right, you're going borrow a quid's worth? - Yeah, that's it.
- It don't work like that, boss.
- Let me explain.
- There's this bird.
- Yeah? - She's going to let me shag her if I can get some of that stuff.
Now, she wants the Red Seals but any old shit's sound.
So, I'm thinking is, I'm going to let her sniff it - while I'm up to me old tricks in her knick-knacks.
- Yeah.
Yeah? Pop it back in the wrapper, nip it back round in morning.
You don't have to give me the full quid back, just 50p or summat.
I'm telling you now, mate, smelling it won't do fuck all.
- It will.
- No, it won't, mate.
It don't work like that.
It will.
You have to burn it.
You have to burn it or inhale it or eat it or summat.
- No, it's called sniff banging.
- Sniff banging.
- Yeah.
- Right.
- It's new.
- It's hot from the States.
- OK.
Er, well, if I give it you, then, will you take your shit heap and fuck off? - Oh, I'll take that one.
Go on, mate.
- No worries, mate.
Enjoy this.
- Very funny.
- There you go.
There's your fucking quid's worth.
There's your molecule.
- Thanks.
Higgy.
- Knock yourselves out.
- See you in the morning.
- See you later.
- See you later.
- Enjoy, boys.
Yeah, nice one.
- Brilliant.
- See you in a bit.
- Take care.
- Take it easy.
- Lovely.
What a rush! I can see why that's addictive.
I feel like Anthony Montana! Right, then, shall we say hello to all the animals in the zoo? Shall we say hello to all the animals in the zoo? Can you wave, Jimmy? Say, "Hello, rabbit.
"Hello, donkey.
"Hello, turtle.
"Hello, lion.
" Roar! - Should I go and check on the kids? - No, she's fine, don't worry.
- They're a bit of a handful.
- Oh, don't worry.
She's so good with them, isn't she? Sun's out.
They have no cream on, have they? She's fine.
We've put some sheets up and stuff.
She's made a little kind of pink tent, pink palace, she says.
- Pink palace.
- She's great with them, isn't she? - Yeah, she is, yeah.
Is she staying here then at the minute or? Yeah, just for a bit.
She's here, sort of now and then.
A few nights, you know? - What's a few nights, like? - Well, a few nights a week, you know? - A few nights a week? - Four or five.
It's not been easy for her at home.
They've had a bit of erm - Her mum and dad have split up.
- Oh! - So she's just stopping here while it, y'know? - It's a shame.
Give her a bit of stability, you know, a bit of a normal family life.
So she's come to live here, my ex-lover, she's now she's living here? - Well, at the moment, yeah.
- At the moment, yes.
It's just She offered us rent, actually, didn't she? - She offered you rent? - She did.
- You said - We said no.
- Well, we both said no, didn't we? That's a really good idea.
Shall we sing? Twinkle, twinkle little star! I might just go I might just go and have a little look.
It's just the lack of cream on them.
No, no, can you Richard.
Sit down.
Jimmy burns.
It's his ginger hair.
No, honestly, it's fine.
Sit down, sit down.
There's a little something, isn't there, that er We've got a bit of er, well - It's a bit of a surprise.
- A surprise? - We like to think - The kind of surprise where your kids can't be in the room, kind of surprise? No, it's so you can concentrate on it.
Call it our Cilla moment, if you will, so - What is it? - Is it a big black dildo? - Bosh! - Oh, come on, son! - Bzzzzzzzz! - Stop it, son! - Really, no.
- Went too far.
I shouldn't have done it.
MUTTERS TO HIMSELF - So, what's? - That's a moving cupboard with a grunting thing in it, isn't it? - That's got to be it, hasn't it? - Is that the surprise? It's a puppy, isn't it? - Shall I er? - Is it a pig? - One, two, three, four.
- It's moving.
- You can come out now! Hey! Surprise, surprise! - It's Mr Squires! - It is, isn't it? What is he doing in that cupboard? Why would you do that? - Look at his face.
- I can't Why? - Look at your face.
You didn't know that was going to happen, did you? - Hiya, mate.
- So shocked.
Come here, give us a hug.
- Surprise! - You weren't expecting that, were you, son? - You're always saying we're boring.
- Yeah.
Not so boring now, are we? Ha, ha, ha! - Surprise, surprise! - Mr Squires in a cupboard! Wouldn't call that boring! Smell.
Smell.
Ay up.
Shaun.
How are you? All right? Yeah, I'm fine.
Good.
You look really nice.
Mm.
Thanks.
The blue really suits you, in your hair.
Is that a real bird? No, I'm a fucking vegetarian.
So, er, how's all the college going? Are you still doing - all your drawings and that, enjoying? - Yeah, great.
Would, erm? Later on there's this thing at the town hall.
It's like a Madchester thing.
Like a mad rave.
There's, erm, all the gang are getting together and that.
We're all going to go, if you fancy it? I don't think that would be a very good idea.
Well, why not? I've met someone.
What do you mean, you've met someone? I've met someone.
He's called Harrison, and I really like him.
Sorry, Shaun.
Well good.
You know .
.
I'm happy for you.
You deserve better than what I did to you, don't you, so I'm pleased you're moving on.
Right, well, I better get going anyway, so At least think about coming tonight, yeah? All right, I'll think about it.
- All right? - I'm cool, yeah.
All right, I'll see you later.
You see, the reason why I'm here is cos I'm going solo.
I'm leaving the firm.
I gave them the opportunity to pay me what I was due, and they turned me down flat.
- They fired you? - So I'm setting up on me own! - Wow.
That's brilliant! - It's amazing, isn't it? - Back here, back where I belong.
- Really brave! - Brilliant.
- That's awesome.
- There's more.
- I want you with me.
- Oh, now then.
- Back where you belong, - by my side! - Yeah.
- Eh? - And I'm not just talking wages here.
- Yeah.
I'm talking about partnership.
Well, junior partnership.
- A junior partnership? - Profit share, profit share! - And what I'm offering you here, lad.
- Yeah? - I'm offering you the stars.
I'm offering you the moon on a stick and a bag to put it in.
- I'm offering you the world! - Amazing, that's fantastic.
- But the thing is - It wouldn't really work, would it? It wouldn't really work because of the children.
- He's got the kids.
I'm at work.
- You could look after the kids.
She's doing her dinner lady.
- No, I run the kitchen.
- She's not just a dinner lady, though, Mum.
- I'm there full time.
- She's in charge of the kitchen.
- OK, well But I want you to see the potential here, Rich.
Do you know what I mean? - I want you to understand what he's offering you, lad.
- No, I do.
I get it.
I do get it.
What about if Lorraine doesn't have to leave her job? You can keep doing your boss dinner lady.
- I can't leave my job.
- And maybe Jennifer could look after the kids? No, no.
My former lover look after the children instead of their mum and dad? - That WOULD be comfortable(!) - I'll be honest, I'm not comfortable with that.
- You've got to see the potential.
- Think about it sensibly.
To me, it looks a bit like you're struggling.
- We're fine.
- What do you mean, it looks like we're struggling? I don't Hang on a minute.
Whoa! I don't comment on you and your matching weird psychopath gear.
- Now, that's just rude.
- He agrees.
You're being rude with me, Mum.
- I'm not being rude.
- Assuming We might look like a bag of Stop talking.
Don't you judge me and my family! We might look like a bag of unorganised shit sometimes, pal, but we are We're fucking happy.
Isn't that every parent's dream! - You fucking presumptuous pair of arseholes! - Woody! That's it.
OK.
Let's just all calm down.
You've pissed me off big time! - All right, all right, son.
That'll do, that'll do, that'll do.
- You've gone way over, way over the mark.
- I think maybe - I just want to smash the fucking front room up.
- Sh.
- I think we should take a break.
- Trying to make us wear slippers and shit in the front room.
What's happened to you? - This has obviously not worked.
- No, it hasn't fucking worked.
It's pissed me off! - Let's just take a minute.
- All right, son, all right.
- Maybe a cup of tea.
- I agree with you.
Coffee or summat, I don't know.
- Presuming! Pre-fucking Making out - Sh! - We might look like shit, but we're fucking happy! - OK, well, we'll just sort it out.
- She's crying now! - Yeah, course she is.
Fucking water works.
Wowee! What do you mean wowee?! I've never seen you suck a bong like that, mate! It's how I always do them.
It's not how you always do them at all.
- Yeah, it is.
- Gadget, how does he do a pipe? Normally takes a couple of hits and pretends he's stoned.
- Fuck off, Gadge, you're always doing that! - No, he ain't! And the only time you've been really stoned we had to take you to fucking hospital.
It wasn't the hospital, it was the drop-in centre.
They still took you blood pressure and your Well, how would you feel, if you thought you were swallowing your tongue? It's a bit worrying.
It's a bit unusual, mate.
How you feeling? All right.
Will you just leave it out? I'm just having a bit of a shit day! Why you having a shit day? It's me mam getting on at me all the time and well, I went to the college earlier on and I seen Smell.
And don't take the piss, mate.
Mm.
It's just a bit bit shit, like, she's got a new boyfriend.
Is he a pirate? - What do you mean, is he a pirate? - Is he a pirate? - I don't know if he's a pirate.
- Why would he? So I tell you and now you're taking the piss! - No, he wasn't a pirate.
- I've heard that she's going out with a pirate.
I'm not being funny.
That's what I heard! Got a hook.
Fuck off, lads! Actually, I've heard that she's going out with a pirate, no bullshit.
She's not going out with a pirate, all right? Do you really miss her? Yeah, a bit, like, but It's upsetting you that she's out of your life and that? Not really, well, a little bit.
.
Do you know what, Shaun? If you want, I'll pretend to be her.
I rather you not, mate.
"Shaun, come on, we're off to Israel.
"Come on, Shaun.
" - "Shaun.
" - "Shaun.
" - Don't, lads.
Fucking hell.
- "Shaun, dress up for me.
" "Shaun.
" "Shaun, I want you to finger me.
" "Shaun, my vulva is pulsing.
- "It's pulsing!" - Shut up, lads.
Am I better looking than her? Tell me the truth? - Am I? - Yeah.
You can fuck ME, then.
God, I actually just want go out tonight now, lads, and just get fucked.
Oh, well, we'll do that then, mate.
You're not going to be out partying at the discotheque - if you've just done that big suck here.
- Fuck off, mate, I'll be all right! There'll be no more Shauny at the discotheque You'll be asking for Mummy at the discotheque.
Stop winding me up, mate.
I'm all right, honestly, fuck off.
You're not all right.
You're looking a bit floaty.
Floaty? I'm fucking fine.
I'll have another one if you think I'm that fucking bad! Go on, then.
Go on, then, babe.
Ah, fuck, man.
There's no way I'm going back to that.
Absolutely no fucking way.
He'd make me shave! - Bloody hell.
- He'd make me shave.
I'm happy, you know? Jesus Christ.
- That's the dream isn't it? - Don't you want him to take it? He does what he wants.
We'll manage without it but if he wanted to do it he could.
If you want me to go back to the factory, hand on my heart, I will go back to that factory.
- I'm not going to make you go back to the factory, Wood.
- I know you won't but we're not going to end up with a great big fucking garden - Not on my wages, no.
- .
.
on your wages.
- You're just a dinner lady, love! - Hey! - You're only a dinner lady! That's what his mum kept saying to me.
We're all dinner ladies here.
She comes out with some shit, your mum.
She's a fucking gobshite.
"Mr Squires in a cupboard.
" I've never seen her like that.
By some fucking evil twist, you're now the normal ones.
I love coming round here.
I can't stand going round there.
I wouldn't say that! Trust me, we're not that fucking weird! No, we've got two mums.
At least you've got a mum and a dad.
Oh, shit, yeah.
I forgot about the dad - and the hammer thing.
That is - Woody.
- Ooh.
- Gone too far.
- Yeah.
Why would anyone do that? - How could anyone ruin a - Just be quiet.
What's going on tonight? I've heard there's a discotheque.
Is there a discotheque? Yeah, there's a, erm, a Manchester night.
Mm, tell me about it.
So, it's like, all the music from the bands in Manchester that's playing.
Oh, that sounds good? Yeah, it will be good.
Will all the Manchester bands come here? No.
Ian Brown wouldn't grace his presence here.
- Who's he? - Ian Brown.
- Lol! - I'm not down with the kids.
I know who he is.
- Do you? - Yeah, I do! Der, der Kelly.
- Go on, then.
HE SINGS: Fool's Gold by The Stone Roses Der-der-der ding-dink digger-digger dink A flink-a-flonk, a wank-a-chink ding-dong.
Fucking Idiot's Gold, yeah.
- I know about them.
- Not quite like that, is it? - Wanky-shank? - Wanky-shank, a-dink-a-flank ding-dong.
- Yeah, I've heard them on the radio.
- Silly sod.
- I have.
- Why don't you come with us? - I think Lol should come.
What? To listen to that, dick-a-dick-a-din-ding? - It doesn't sound like that.
- Donk-a-ding-dong-ding.
I can't.
I've got to pick the kids up and then bath them.
I do all that.
That's no excuse.
I'll do it.
- We'll do it.
- It's not an excuse! - They'll do it.
Why don't you go out, then? - Because I am so busy.
Very busy.
- With what? With big long session wanks to fucking Readers' Wives.
You asked me.
I'm telling you.
Do you want me to I don't want to lie to you, Lol, or any of you for that matter.
I love you too much.
Are you coming? I ain't got anything to wear and I'd have to go back home, pick up my shirt, come back here.
- It's too much of a mission.
- I've got loads of your old Fred Perrys upstairs and I don't wear them.
- I'm not going to be dressing up, am I? - So that's a definite.
- That's true.
- Let's get Lollipop dressed up! - Come on.
- I didn't have no choice, did I? - Are you all right with that? - Yeah, we don't mind.
- We'll feed them and bath them.
- Enjoy your wank.
- I will do.
- I'll be thinking of you, Lol.
- You better be! Thank you, girls.
Awesome.
You won't lez off in front of my kids, will you? Oh, fuck off, Woody! MUSIC: The Only One I Know by The Charlatans Thanks for bringing me here.
You're very welcome.
I thought it was just going to be me and you, though.
Well Well, me and Higgy.
Like I said, you, me and Higgy.
Just me and you.
I thought we were, like, on a date.
We are on a date, Sonia.
Yeah, the date's just between me and you.
Yeah.
But Higgy's always there.
He's my best pal.
World.
World.
Whoo! Good upstairs? Looks it, doesn't it? There's a fucking lot of people, man.
Lads! What's up? I feel a bit sick, to be honest.
- Why? - That fucking weed, man.
- Here, chill out, man.
Chill out.
- Are you having a bit of a whitey, Shaun? You were sucking that bong very hard, boss, weren't you? Yeah, it's just the weed, mate.
You'll get over it in like ten minutes.
Don't worry.
Are you spinning a bit? Shaun, just try and think about something else, mate.
- Do you want a cuddle? - Don't, mate, please.
What you need is more drugs.
I know it sounds bad at this point, but you're going right down - and you need to be brought back up.
- More drugs? - Yeah.
- Fuck that, mate.
No way.
- Seriously.
- This is different.
In ten minutes, mate, you'll be fucking sound as a pound.
Think of it, yeah, weed's a downer, speed's an upper, mate.
- Balance it out.
- Get a little dab of that.
Just have a tiny bit now, you'll feel right as rain.
- Promise that'll make me feel better? - I swear to you.
Dab a bit on your finger like that.
Get it right on your gums, man.
Don't even have to sniff it or anything.
- There's fucking loads on there.
- There's not! - Yummy.
Check it.
- Seen how much I had? - Get it down you.
- That's fucking minging! - Horrible.
- You get used to it.
You've had it, haven't you? - Right, come and sit down.
- Good boy.
Let's have a seat.
MUSIC: Step On by Happy Mondays You're just having a whitey, mate.
Anyhow, was wondering if we should get the, er, Red Seals procedures underway.
Nah, not yet.
We'll have a laugh first - and then we'll do a bit of that.
- That'll That'll be a laugh.
Quite a laugh in store.
No, no, I just want to get warmed up, know what I mean? Right, yeah, yeah, of course.
Of course, you'll feel much better once the narcotics are into your system.
- It takes a good hour so - Hour? About that, yeah.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Why didn't we do it earlier? Well, I wanted to save the experience of the VIP room for you, Sonia.
VIP room? Me? Only the best for you, Sonia.
Only the best.
Is that like famous people? Loads of famous people in there.
- Joking! - No, loads, isn't there, Higgy? - All the - What's that? - Famous people in the VIP.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
I think, erm, Des Walker might be coming down.
- Des Walker? - Yeah, good friend of ours.
- No! - Yeah.
- Think he'd talk to me? - I could introduce you, no probs.
So shall we pop off? - Go and meet Des? - Yeah, let's do that.
- Let's hold hands.
- Yeah.
- OK.
- Oh, is he - Come on, Higgy.
Come on, Higgy.
Yeah, Higgy's coming.
After you, I'll get the door.
After you, mademoiselle.
- Hello, Lol.
- Hey.
- Kelly.
- You all right, Col? Good to see you.
You look just like Annie Lennox.
- Oh, thanks.
- Bros.
You're very lovely tonight, ladies.
Not as lovely as you, Sonia, obviously.
I was being nice.
- Anyway, can't stop and chat.
See you later.
- See you in a bit.
- Ta-ta.
Where you going? VIP.
VIP, where's that? Yeah, it's VIP, Kelly.
VIP.
Not in here, there isn't, surely.
MUSIC: Step On by Happy Mondays Fucking hell, it's loud! Yeah, well, it's a disco, not a wake! What's this one? I don't know this one.
This? This is the Mondays.
- Oh, is this it? - This is it.
I like it.
Fucking hell, I wish I'd had a drink.
Oh, mate, hang on.
Oh, I should have known! MUSIC: Fools Gold by Stone Roses And this, this is the fucking Roses! Wah! - Fucking hell, is she all right? - Yeah.
- She's wired! She's fine.
Come on now, Lol.
We're not kids any more, are we? Well, go and join her, then.
You're fucking coming with me.
Come on.
The gold road's sure a long road Winds on through the hills for 15 days The pack on my back is aching The strap seams cut me like a knife Higgy, you'll be wearing this, I'm afraid, my friend.
There it goes.
Look at that.
Perfect life form.
That's it.
If you just take your trousers down, so only I can see.
Is that a good height for you there, Sonia? - Just sniff this, then? - You just You just bend over and sniff that.
I'm just going to have a quick Very nice.
- You all right, there? - I'll take those down for you.
You after something? Yeah.
Two wraps of whizz, mate.
- Nice one, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
- Have a good night, lads.
Down, down, down, down D-down, down, down Down, down, down, down D-down, down, down If you could just be quiet for one bit, please.
Here it comes.
- Oh, my God.
- Fucking head down.
My head is down, what are you talking about? He keeps trying to get a sneaky peak.
- I love you so much.
- Don't flatter yourself, darling.
I really care about you.
- Do you? - Oh, yeah.
Get ready for it.
What's it like, Sonia, that? You getting high? Nah, it's really nice.
Get your fucking head Look at him! Look at him! Real sneaky bastard, you are.
Put your head down.
I love you both so much! These boots were made for walking The Marquis de Sade never made no boots like these Gold's just around the corner Breakdown's coming round the bend Ergh! HE GRUNTS Oof! Keep sniffing.
That's right.
Oh, my God.
He's coming.
- Nearly there! - Are you finished yet? - I'm coming.
I did say, didn't I? - Oh, my God! - Head down.
You sneaky bastard.
- I am not.
- I bet you are.
Ergh! Oh, God, I can't breathe.
I'm standing alone I'm watching you all I'm seeing you sinking I'm standing alone You're weighing the gold I'm watching you sinking Fool's gold Fool's gold.
'Fires are lit to prepare food and, during the night, 'Pakan has come up river to supervise the festivities 'which will lead to the naming of his child.
' PHONE RINGS Oh, fucking hell.
Hello? Hello? Oh, hello, son.
It's your dad.
Richard.
Yeah, I know.
Dad, you don't have to give me your I know it's you.
You don't have to Dad Richard? What are you on about? Thank you, son, that's For being so humorous.
Me and your mum, we felt that we ought to apologise, son.
We're We're very so We're very sorry.
What are you apologising for? We're sorry.
We're very sorry.
We meant well but, you know, it didn't pan out quite as we thought it would.
- No, it's gone massively tits up.
The thing - Well - Go on.
We'd just like to know that, - if you think we should ask Jennifer - Oh.
.
.
to stop staying over, then we are prepared to do that.
No, I don't want you to tell Jennifer to stop staying over.
We Because we have - For fuck's sake.
- We have been selfish.
We have.
- Mm.
- You know, you've just accepted it, even though - Listen, it's fine.
Well, it may well have It was obviously very, very difficult for you, then we went and did that with Mr Squires.
- I don't know what we were thinking - Dad Dad - It seemed like a good idea the other night.
Looking back on it, it just seems so stupid and I don't know why - Why we did it.
- It's fine! It's Honestly, I'd completely forgotten about it.
I'm just sat here watching a doco.
- Are you sure, son? - Yeah, honestly, it's Honestly, Dad, it's fine.
I don't want you to tell Jennifer to move out of your house.
- I think it's amazing that you're happy.
I'm made up for you both.
- Eh? Is Mum there, right next to you? - She is, yeah.
- I'm here as well.
Yeah, I know, I can hear you there.
- He says that he doesn't want us to say - Course she's there.
- To tell Jennifer to leave.
That she can - No.
- You just have to say the word.
- You just have to say the word, son.
- No.
- Just say the word.
- No, I'll say two words -- it's fine.
How does that sound? Eh? He says it's fine.
He says, "Two words -- it's fine," he says.
- Hilarious, innit? - Ah, thank you, son.
No, it's all right.
Listen, it's fine.
It's absolutely fine.
- Are you sure? You're absolutely sure? - Absolutely 100% sure.
He's sure.
He says, "Absolutely 100% sure.
" Yeah, nine o'clock.
What What What's the documentary? It's about a tribe living in the jungle.
He's watching a documentary.
It's about a tribe living in the jungle.
- Oh, right.
- Which jungle, son? Which - The Amazon.
- The Amazon? - Yeah.
- It's the Amazon.
- Oh.
Listen, they know about, er, global warming without even needing a TV or a radio or anything.
Apparently they know about global warming - without needing a TV - No technology of any kind.
Without any kind of technological apparatus or anything like that.
They just How do they How do they find out? Have they got their own sort of kind of inventions made of bamboo or anything like that? Like Son? Dad, hang on.
Hang on a minute.
Just a minute.
- I beg your pardon, love.
- Ask him how much longer it's on for.
Oh, how long is it on How long is it on for? It's on for another maybe half an hour.
Tell him we'll watch it when you get off the phone.
Well, because We might We might watch it ourselves.
- Yeah.
- And then it'll be like, er Well, we can all watch it together at the same time.
We can, like in different houses.
How mad's that? - En famille, as they say in - Yeah.
- In France.
Now, are we Do you feel like maybe we've Cos this documentary, I'm just I'm halfway in now.
- All right.
Well, I'm sorry to keep you, son.
- It's all right.
It's It's a great weight off our mind.
Yeah, well, now that I know you can sleep, will you just Just go away? Of course we will, son.
- Yeah.
- OK, son.
All right, Dad.
I love you.
Love you, Mum.
Bye, then.
- He says he loves you.
- Love you too, darling.
Speak to you soon.
- She says she loves you too.
- All right.
- All right.
All right, son.
Thanks ever so much.
Yeah, I've got to go.
See you in a bit.
All right, bye, Dad.
Bye, bye, bye, bye.
- Fucking hell.
- Bye, bye, bye.
'.
.
with the family households of the women and their husbands 'around the circumference.
'A political order of relations among the age groups 'and the performance of public ceremony 'have their focus in the men's house.
'At the age of eight, he's removed from his family house 'round the edge of the circle and goes to live in the men's house, 'which functions like a boarding school.
' - I'm hungry.
- I'm fucking starving.
- You're always hungry.
- You're always hungry.
- I'm not eating after that.
- What we having? - Deep pan? - No, don't fancy that.
Curry? Curry, that's what I want.
I haven't had curry for ages.
- Are you, Shaun? - Yeah, who are you? I'm Harris.
I'm Michelle's boyfriend.
Michelle, as in Smell? Yeah.
She told me to come tell you that she's sorry that she couldn't come, she felt a bit uncomfortable, so hope that we're cool.
Why do you think it's fucking acceptable to come over here and tell me that? Like I give a fuck what you two get up to or talk about.
- I couldn't give a fuck.
- Well, you cared about Michelle.
I do, but I don't care about you.
Yeah, but I'm doing this for Michelle.
I'm making it comfortable for her.
- Fuck off, mate.
- Yeah, I think you'd better leave it now.
- Leave it now, mate, yeah? - Thanks for you time, Harris.
- Cheers for that.
What the fuck? Why would he do that? - No, hang on a minute! Oi! - Oi, no, Shaun.
- Shaun! - Shaun, lad.
Why do you think you can come over here in front of my mates - and fucking talk to me like that? - What are you talking about? Why do you think it's acceptable to come over there and say that you're Michelle's boyfriend? Like I give a fuck.
Do you not think it would have been just left better unsaid, - do you know what I mean? - No.
I was doing it for Michelle.
- Fuck off, mate.
- What the fuck? Fucking hell! EVERYONE SHOUTS MUSIC: The Snow Prelude No.
15 by Ludovico Einaudi - Calm down, mate! - Fucking idiot! - Stop it.
- Stop it.
- Drink some blood, you fucking nobheads.
- Fucking idiot.
This is why I don't go out.
Chips or new potatoes? Erm, chips, please.
- What would you like, mate? - Erm? Can I have the chocolate crunch with mint custard please? Yes, we've got chocolate crunch but I don't think we've got any more mint custard.
Lol, have we got any more mint custard? If it's not in front of you, I ain't got any back here.
We've still got tonnes of coffee whip? - We've got coffee whip.
- Coffee whip? I know.
- Lol, is that mint custard I can smell? - Oh, Get out! Out! Out! - Sorry, sorry.
- Out! What you do you want? - Just a little bit of dinner.
A bit of that mint custard if it's going.
- No, we've got none left! We've got coffee whip.
What the fuck's coffee whip? Coffee.
Whipped.
Ew, Lol! At least tell me you've got chips today? - Have we got any chips back there, Lol? - No more chips today.
What? For fuck's sake, Lol.
Why do you always run out of chips? Everyone loves chips.
Just make more chips.
Make people happy.
Make some more chips.
Please, Lol.
Make some more.
Finished? What are we going to have instead? A fucking knuckle sandwich if you carry on, Gadget.
- I'm going to make some new potatoes.
- I don't like new potatoes.
- Get out! You'll get what you're fucking given.
Now go and wait round the back! Gone downhill this place.
Here he is.
How we looking, Gadge? Not very good, mate.
What's up? Well, we've got new potatoes, no chips and for dessert, we've got coffee whip.
Ooh, coffee whip's nice.
- Are you taking the piss? - No, it's nice.
My mum does it all the time.
It's dead nice.
What are you frowning for, it's free? It's not about the money, is it, Milk? It's about the nostalgia, isn't it? Like, that's why we come here.
I don't even know what that means.
It means having meals that we used to have when we were happy, when we were kids.
When have you ever ate new potatoes and felt happy? "Oh, here's a big plate of new potatoes.
Yeah, cheers, Mum.
" Do not worry, Gadge, them good times will come again.
Will they, though? Will they? THEY LAUGH MUSIC: There She Goes by The La's We're leaving Downing Street for the last time after eleven and a half wonderful years .
.
and we're very happy that we leave the United Kingdom in a very, very much better state than when we came here eleven and a half years ago.
Thank you very much.
Goodbye.
Hello, gorgeous boy.
Oh, here he is.
Where the fuck have you been? Oh, yeah, nowhere.
Just the usual.
FBI Gadget interrogating me about school dinners.
I swear to God, he's smelt a rat.
- Has he smelt a rat? - Yeah.
- Go on, what's happened? Well, it's the it's the it's the dinners.
It's the portions he's getting.
It's what he's getting.
- What's he come away with? - He knows, he knows that what's in our bag isn't in his bag.
- I'm telling you.
- How does he know? How does he know? He can't possibly bloody know, Milk, if it's in a bag! Yeah, but he hasn't actually seen in the bag because I've managed to fend him off until now.
- Good lad.
- But he can smell it.
I'm telling you, the guy's like a blood hound whenever it comes to anything deep-fried.
So what's he actually What's he come away with then? You see this is the problem, Woods, I actually feel sorry for him.
- He came away today with new potatoes and coffee whip.
- Oh, shit.
I mean, I had to pretend that I like coffee whip and I frickin' hate it.
I can't take this pressure any more! What do you mean you can't take this? It's partly your fault, really, isn't it? Cos - How? - Well, you've just got to be better at what you do! All right, then, here's a solution.
Here's a real good solution.
- I'll look after the kids tomorrow - Oh, no.
.
.
and you Yeah! And you, you go and deal with him.
No.
You can't swap horses halfway through a race, can you? When's that ever been done? If you want to fix this fast, take him out of the queue! Right, well, that's what needs to happen.
Take him out of the queue.
Listen, what's going to happen if I pull him out? He's manipulative when it comes to food.
What will he do? He's going to go straight to Mr Skipper, that's what he's going to do.
He's going to go in that office, he's going to pull the plug on the whole thing.
I don't know what else What do you want me to tell you? - I'm going to have to think on it.
- He's daft as shit when it comes to anything in life except for food.
Food, I know, I know.
It's just not bloody right.
What's not bloody right, love? Taking food from kids.
I'm not taking it from the kids.
If they, if we didn't eat it, it would just go in the bin.
It's from the last sitting.
There's loads of food in the cupboards here, Shaun, - I just don't see the logic in walking two miles for some.
- It's not the same, is it? You can't recreate a good school dinner at home.
- It's just not right! - What? Sausage and chips? What's wrong with my sausage and chips? Nothing, it's just I don't know.
No-one knows, do they? It's just school dinners are loads better than normal.
Sausage has seen better days.
It looks grey.
Shaun, is now a good time to talk about college? No, no, it's not.
Never is a good time to talk about college.
You know you've got to do something about that, Shaun.
I don't want to go back to college, Mum! I've told you this - Why not, love? - .
.
a million times, cos it's shit.
Everyone's up their own arses.
I don't fit in there.
It's not my cup of tea.
I don't want to go.
You were great in that school play.
Oh, back to this again, are we? Well, if you would've persisted at that, just think where you'd be now.
Mum, I hated that fucking course.
You know I did.
Shaun, it wasn't the course that you hated, it was getting caught up in between that young girl's legs.
- I don't know what you were thinking? - How embarrassing! It's bloody true.
I don't want to talk about it, Mum.
- I know you - I don't want to talk about it, Mum.
I know you've been upset about Michelle.
I know you have.
- I understand that.
- Mum! But you can't spend your life sat around here, and you're never going to meet a young lady, sat around that flat, - smoking them funny fags like them lot.
- Mum! One, I don't miss Smell, and two, I'm off out tonight as it happens.
Where are you going? Off down to town hall.
There's a Madchester thing on.
What's a bloody Madchester thing when it's at home? Well, it's like a disco.
Have you never heard of The Stone Roses or the Happy Mondays or owt? Yes, I have, actually.
Waste of space.
You can't hear a word they're saying.
They look like they need a bloody good wash and a good sleep and an haircut.
MUSIC: Hallelujah by Happy Mondays Is it really, really out of the question to ask for half a cigarette or? It's finding half a cig to be honest with you, mate.
Bit of mix then instead? Three quarters there.
Spot on, brother, thank you.
Thank you very much.
What? What is this show? Is it It should be called bummy, bummy, bum box telly.
It's WrestleMania, Kel.
It's a sport.
- It's gay.
- It's a sport.
- Look at these athletes, playing a sport.
- Warriors.
Warriors.
Is there warriors in that? It's not even real.
They're warriors.
They're trained.
Their bodies are trained to fight each other.
So you're telling me, your attention right now is not going to them fat, cute, packed little pants.
- Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
- Why would we be looking at their pants? Look at his sweat patch.
It started from his, his "gootchel" area.
- He's working hard, isn't he? - And he's sweating all the way up to his bumbershnuck pack.
These guys are sweating because they're These guys are modern day gladiators, mate.
All that's missing here is lions and a guy doing, doing all that shit.
I bet you're getting a - a little titchy-tatchy tuna dicky.
- Fuck off! MUSIC: Pour Some Sugar On Me by Def Leppard Oh, what the flipping aid is that? Fuck knows.
That is unreal, man.
That is literally offending my ears, that is.
That is fucking ear rape.
Where's it gone? Freeze! Only joking.
We're not the cops.
Flip and Higgy.
Good to see you.
Good to see you both.
You look far out, man.
You're looking well, both of you.
- Similar.
- Cheers.
It's not an accident.
- Was that your music, was it? - Absolutely.
- Awful, man.
It's hurting.
- Oh, come on.
- Loud.
- What you into? Roses and shit? - Yeah.
- It's gay.
- It's gay? - Yeah.
Proper.
- And it's a fucking con.
- Yeah.
Elizabeth My Dear.
Ten seconds long.
What you going to do during that? You can't cruise very far.
- Not in ten seconds.
- Not in ten seconds.
- Nice one.
- Ten second cruise.
- Cheers, lads.
Wicked.
What the fuck do you want, man? Why are you here? It's funny you should say that, Harv.
I'm after some of the, er, dopas mopas por favor? - The what? - Come on, Harv, you know what he means, mate.
No, I don't.
I ain't got a clue.
A bit of Pat Cash.
What? Some of the old, er, wacktoria backtoria.
Are you assuming I'm some drug dealer or summat like that? - Whoa, whoa, whoa! Let's not throw words around like that, Harvey.
- Sh.
I think we're safe here, lads, to be honest with you.
You know, word on the street, you're the Pablo Escobar on this estate.
- Yeah? - We've just come to see you.
OK.
Right, what do you want, then? - A quid's worth.
- A quid's worth? Just for tonight.
Get it back in the morning.
You won't even know it's gone.
- Right, you're going borrow a quid's worth? - Yeah, that's it.
- It don't work like that, boss.
- Let me explain.
- There's this bird.
- Yeah? - She's going to let me shag her if I can get some of that stuff.
Now, she wants the Red Seals but any old shit's sound.
So, I'm thinking is, I'm going to let her sniff it - while I'm up to me old tricks in her knick-knacks.
- Yeah.
Yeah? Pop it back in the wrapper, nip it back round in morning.
You don't have to give me the full quid back, just 50p or summat.
I'm telling you now, mate, smelling it won't do fuck all.
- It will.
- No, it won't, mate.
It don't work like that.
It will.
You have to burn it.
You have to burn it or inhale it or eat it or summat.
- No, it's called sniff banging.
- Sniff banging.
- Yeah.
- Right.
- It's new.
- It's hot from the States.
- OK.
Er, well, if I give it you, then, will you take your shit heap and fuck off? - Oh, I'll take that one.
Go on, mate.
- No worries, mate.
Enjoy this.
- Very funny.
- There you go.
There's your fucking quid's worth.
There's your molecule.
- Thanks.
Higgy.
- Knock yourselves out.
- See you in the morning.
- See you later.
- See you later.
- Enjoy, boys.
Yeah, nice one.
- Brilliant.
- See you in a bit.
- Take care.
- Take it easy.
- Lovely.
What a rush! I can see why that's addictive.
I feel like Anthony Montana! Right, then, shall we say hello to all the animals in the zoo? Shall we say hello to all the animals in the zoo? Can you wave, Jimmy? Say, "Hello, rabbit.
"Hello, donkey.
"Hello, turtle.
"Hello, lion.
" Roar! - Should I go and check on the kids? - No, she's fine, don't worry.
- They're a bit of a handful.
- Oh, don't worry.
She's so good with them, isn't she? Sun's out.
They have no cream on, have they? She's fine.
We've put some sheets up and stuff.
She's made a little kind of pink tent, pink palace, she says.
- Pink palace.
- She's great with them, isn't she? - Yeah, she is, yeah.
Is she staying here then at the minute or? Yeah, just for a bit.
She's here, sort of now and then.
A few nights, you know? - What's a few nights, like? - Well, a few nights a week, you know? - A few nights a week? - Four or five.
It's not been easy for her at home.
They've had a bit of erm - Her mum and dad have split up.
- Oh! - So she's just stopping here while it, y'know? - It's a shame.
Give her a bit of stability, you know, a bit of a normal family life.
So she's come to live here, my ex-lover, she's now she's living here? - Well, at the moment, yeah.
- At the moment, yes.
It's just She offered us rent, actually, didn't she? - She offered you rent? - She did.
- You said - We said no.
- Well, we both said no, didn't we? That's a really good idea.
Shall we sing? Twinkle, twinkle little star! I might just go I might just go and have a little look.
It's just the lack of cream on them.
No, no, can you Richard.
Sit down.
Jimmy burns.
It's his ginger hair.
No, honestly, it's fine.
Sit down, sit down.
There's a little something, isn't there, that er We've got a bit of er, well - It's a bit of a surprise.
- A surprise? - We like to think - The kind of surprise where your kids can't be in the room, kind of surprise? No, it's so you can concentrate on it.
Call it our Cilla moment, if you will, so - What is it? - Is it a big black dildo? - Bosh! - Oh, come on, son! - Bzzzzzzzz! - Stop it, son! - Really, no.
- Went too far.
I shouldn't have done it.
MUTTERS TO HIMSELF - So, what's? - That's a moving cupboard with a grunting thing in it, isn't it? - That's got to be it, hasn't it? - Is that the surprise? It's a puppy, isn't it? - Shall I er? - Is it a pig? - One, two, three, four.
- It's moving.
- You can come out now! Hey! Surprise, surprise! - It's Mr Squires! - It is, isn't it? What is he doing in that cupboard? Why would you do that? - Look at his face.
- I can't Why? - Look at your face.
You didn't know that was going to happen, did you? - Hiya, mate.
- So shocked.
Come here, give us a hug.
- Surprise! - You weren't expecting that, were you, son? - You're always saying we're boring.
- Yeah.
Not so boring now, are we? Ha, ha, ha! - Surprise, surprise! - Mr Squires in a cupboard! Wouldn't call that boring! Smell.
Smell.
Ay up.
Shaun.
How are you? All right? Yeah, I'm fine.
Good.
You look really nice.
Mm.
Thanks.
The blue really suits you, in your hair.
Is that a real bird? No, I'm a fucking vegetarian.
So, er, how's all the college going? Are you still doing - all your drawings and that, enjoying? - Yeah, great.
Would, erm? Later on there's this thing at the town hall.
It's like a Madchester thing.
Like a mad rave.
There's, erm, all the gang are getting together and that.
We're all going to go, if you fancy it? I don't think that would be a very good idea.
Well, why not? I've met someone.
What do you mean, you've met someone? I've met someone.
He's called Harrison, and I really like him.
Sorry, Shaun.
Well good.
You know .
.
I'm happy for you.
You deserve better than what I did to you, don't you, so I'm pleased you're moving on.
Right, well, I better get going anyway, so At least think about coming tonight, yeah? All right, I'll think about it.
- All right? - I'm cool, yeah.
All right, I'll see you later.
You see, the reason why I'm here is cos I'm going solo.
I'm leaving the firm.
I gave them the opportunity to pay me what I was due, and they turned me down flat.
- They fired you? - So I'm setting up on me own! - Wow.
That's brilliant! - It's amazing, isn't it? - Back here, back where I belong.
- Really brave! - Brilliant.
- That's awesome.
- There's more.
- I want you with me.
- Oh, now then.
- Back where you belong, - by my side! - Yeah.
- Eh? - And I'm not just talking wages here.
- Yeah.
I'm talking about partnership.
Well, junior partnership.
- A junior partnership? - Profit share, profit share! - And what I'm offering you here, lad.
- Yeah? - I'm offering you the stars.
I'm offering you the moon on a stick and a bag to put it in.
- I'm offering you the world! - Amazing, that's fantastic.
- But the thing is - It wouldn't really work, would it? It wouldn't really work because of the children.
- He's got the kids.
I'm at work.
- You could look after the kids.
She's doing her dinner lady.
- No, I run the kitchen.
- She's not just a dinner lady, though, Mum.
- I'm there full time.
- She's in charge of the kitchen.
- OK, well But I want you to see the potential here, Rich.
Do you know what I mean? - I want you to understand what he's offering you, lad.
- No, I do.
I get it.
I do get it.
What about if Lorraine doesn't have to leave her job? You can keep doing your boss dinner lady.
- I can't leave my job.
- And maybe Jennifer could look after the kids? No, no.
My former lover look after the children instead of their mum and dad? - That WOULD be comfortable(!) - I'll be honest, I'm not comfortable with that.
- You've got to see the potential.
- Think about it sensibly.
To me, it looks a bit like you're struggling.
- We're fine.
- What do you mean, it looks like we're struggling? I don't Hang on a minute.
Whoa! I don't comment on you and your matching weird psychopath gear.
- Now, that's just rude.
- He agrees.
You're being rude with me, Mum.
- I'm not being rude.
- Assuming We might look like a bag of Stop talking.
Don't you judge me and my family! We might look like a bag of unorganised shit sometimes, pal, but we are We're fucking happy.
Isn't that every parent's dream! - You fucking presumptuous pair of arseholes! - Woody! That's it.
OK.
Let's just all calm down.
You've pissed me off big time! - All right, all right, son.
That'll do, that'll do, that'll do.
- You've gone way over, way over the mark.
- I think maybe - I just want to smash the fucking front room up.
- Sh.
- I think we should take a break.
- Trying to make us wear slippers and shit in the front room.
What's happened to you? - This has obviously not worked.
- No, it hasn't fucking worked.
It's pissed me off! - Let's just take a minute.
- All right, son, all right.
- Maybe a cup of tea.
- I agree with you.
Coffee or summat, I don't know.
- Presuming! Pre-fucking Making out - Sh! - We might look like shit, but we're fucking happy! - OK, well, we'll just sort it out.
- She's crying now! - Yeah, course she is.
Fucking water works.
Wowee! What do you mean wowee?! I've never seen you suck a bong like that, mate! It's how I always do them.
It's not how you always do them at all.
- Yeah, it is.
- Gadget, how does he do a pipe? Normally takes a couple of hits and pretends he's stoned.
- Fuck off, Gadge, you're always doing that! - No, he ain't! And the only time you've been really stoned we had to take you to fucking hospital.
It wasn't the hospital, it was the drop-in centre.
They still took you blood pressure and your Well, how would you feel, if you thought you were swallowing your tongue? It's a bit worrying.
It's a bit unusual, mate.
How you feeling? All right.
Will you just leave it out? I'm just having a bit of a shit day! Why you having a shit day? It's me mam getting on at me all the time and well, I went to the college earlier on and I seen Smell.
And don't take the piss, mate.
Mm.
It's just a bit bit shit, like, she's got a new boyfriend.
Is he a pirate? - What do you mean, is he a pirate? - Is he a pirate? - I don't know if he's a pirate.
- Why would he? So I tell you and now you're taking the piss! - No, he wasn't a pirate.
- I've heard that she's going out with a pirate.
I'm not being funny.
That's what I heard! Got a hook.
Fuck off, lads! Actually, I've heard that she's going out with a pirate, no bullshit.
She's not going out with a pirate, all right? Do you really miss her? Yeah, a bit, like, but It's upsetting you that she's out of your life and that? Not really, well, a little bit.
.
Do you know what, Shaun? If you want, I'll pretend to be her.
I rather you not, mate.
"Shaun, come on, we're off to Israel.
"Come on, Shaun.
" - "Shaun.
" - "Shaun.
" - Don't, lads.
Fucking hell.
- "Shaun, dress up for me.
" "Shaun.
" "Shaun, I want you to finger me.
" "Shaun, my vulva is pulsing.
- "It's pulsing!" - Shut up, lads.
Am I better looking than her? Tell me the truth? - Am I? - Yeah.
You can fuck ME, then.
God, I actually just want go out tonight now, lads, and just get fucked.
Oh, well, we'll do that then, mate.
You're not going to be out partying at the discotheque - if you've just done that big suck here.
- Fuck off, mate, I'll be all right! There'll be no more Shauny at the discotheque You'll be asking for Mummy at the discotheque.
Stop winding me up, mate.
I'm all right, honestly, fuck off.
You're not all right.
You're looking a bit floaty.
Floaty? I'm fucking fine.
I'll have another one if you think I'm that fucking bad! Go on, then.
Go on, then, babe.
Ah, fuck, man.
There's no way I'm going back to that.
Absolutely no fucking way.
He'd make me shave! - Bloody hell.
- He'd make me shave.
I'm happy, you know? Jesus Christ.
- That's the dream isn't it? - Don't you want him to take it? He does what he wants.
We'll manage without it but if he wanted to do it he could.
If you want me to go back to the factory, hand on my heart, I will go back to that factory.
- I'm not going to make you go back to the factory, Wood.
- I know you won't but we're not going to end up with a great big fucking garden - Not on my wages, no.
- .
.
on your wages.
- You're just a dinner lady, love! - Hey! - You're only a dinner lady! That's what his mum kept saying to me.
We're all dinner ladies here.
She comes out with some shit, your mum.
She's a fucking gobshite.
"Mr Squires in a cupboard.
" I've never seen her like that.
By some fucking evil twist, you're now the normal ones.
I love coming round here.
I can't stand going round there.
I wouldn't say that! Trust me, we're not that fucking weird! No, we've got two mums.
At least you've got a mum and a dad.
Oh, shit, yeah.
I forgot about the dad - and the hammer thing.
That is - Woody.
- Ooh.
- Gone too far.
- Yeah.
Why would anyone do that? - How could anyone ruin a - Just be quiet.
What's going on tonight? I've heard there's a discotheque.
Is there a discotheque? Yeah, there's a, erm, a Manchester night.
Mm, tell me about it.
So, it's like, all the music from the bands in Manchester that's playing.
Oh, that sounds good? Yeah, it will be good.
Will all the Manchester bands come here? No.
Ian Brown wouldn't grace his presence here.
- Who's he? - Ian Brown.
- Lol! - I'm not down with the kids.
I know who he is.
- Do you? - Yeah, I do! Der, der Kelly.
- Go on, then.
HE SINGS: Fool's Gold by The Stone Roses Der-der-der ding-dink digger-digger dink A flink-a-flonk, a wank-a-chink ding-dong.
Fucking Idiot's Gold, yeah.
- I know about them.
- Not quite like that, is it? - Wanky-shank? - Wanky-shank, a-dink-a-flank ding-dong.
- Yeah, I've heard them on the radio.
- Silly sod.
- I have.
- Why don't you come with us? - I think Lol should come.
What? To listen to that, dick-a-dick-a-din-ding? - It doesn't sound like that.
- Donk-a-ding-dong-ding.
I can't.
I've got to pick the kids up and then bath them.
I do all that.
That's no excuse.
I'll do it.
- We'll do it.
- It's not an excuse! - They'll do it.
Why don't you go out, then? - Because I am so busy.
Very busy.
- With what? With big long session wanks to fucking Readers' Wives.
You asked me.
I'm telling you.
Do you want me to I don't want to lie to you, Lol, or any of you for that matter.
I love you too much.
Are you coming? I ain't got anything to wear and I'd have to go back home, pick up my shirt, come back here.
- It's too much of a mission.
- I've got loads of your old Fred Perrys upstairs and I don't wear them.
- I'm not going to be dressing up, am I? - So that's a definite.
- That's true.
- Let's get Lollipop dressed up! - Come on.
- I didn't have no choice, did I? - Are you all right with that? - Yeah, we don't mind.
- We'll feed them and bath them.
- Enjoy your wank.
- I will do.
- I'll be thinking of you, Lol.
- You better be! Thank you, girls.
Awesome.
You won't lez off in front of my kids, will you? Oh, fuck off, Woody! MUSIC: The Only One I Know by The Charlatans Thanks for bringing me here.
You're very welcome.
I thought it was just going to be me and you, though.
Well Well, me and Higgy.
Like I said, you, me and Higgy.
Just me and you.
I thought we were, like, on a date.
We are on a date, Sonia.
Yeah, the date's just between me and you.
Yeah.
But Higgy's always there.
He's my best pal.
World.
World.
Whoo! Good upstairs? Looks it, doesn't it? There's a fucking lot of people, man.
Lads! What's up? I feel a bit sick, to be honest.
- Why? - That fucking weed, man.
- Here, chill out, man.
Chill out.
- Are you having a bit of a whitey, Shaun? You were sucking that bong very hard, boss, weren't you? Yeah, it's just the weed, mate.
You'll get over it in like ten minutes.
Don't worry.
Are you spinning a bit? Shaun, just try and think about something else, mate.
- Do you want a cuddle? - Don't, mate, please.
What you need is more drugs.
I know it sounds bad at this point, but you're going right down - and you need to be brought back up.
- More drugs? - Yeah.
- Fuck that, mate.
No way.
- Seriously.
- This is different.
In ten minutes, mate, you'll be fucking sound as a pound.
Think of it, yeah, weed's a downer, speed's an upper, mate.
- Balance it out.
- Get a little dab of that.
Just have a tiny bit now, you'll feel right as rain.
- Promise that'll make me feel better? - I swear to you.
Dab a bit on your finger like that.
Get it right on your gums, man.
Don't even have to sniff it or anything.
- There's fucking loads on there.
- There's not! - Yummy.
Check it.
- Seen how much I had? - Get it down you.
- That's fucking minging! - Horrible.
- You get used to it.
You've had it, haven't you? - Right, come and sit down.
- Good boy.
Let's have a seat.
MUSIC: Step On by Happy Mondays You're just having a whitey, mate.
Anyhow, was wondering if we should get the, er, Red Seals procedures underway.
Nah, not yet.
We'll have a laugh first - and then we'll do a bit of that.
- That'll That'll be a laugh.
Quite a laugh in store.
No, no, I just want to get warmed up, know what I mean? Right, yeah, yeah, of course.
Of course, you'll feel much better once the narcotics are into your system.
- It takes a good hour so - Hour? About that, yeah.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Why didn't we do it earlier? Well, I wanted to save the experience of the VIP room for you, Sonia.
VIP room? Me? Only the best for you, Sonia.
Only the best.
Is that like famous people? Loads of famous people in there.
- Joking! - No, loads, isn't there, Higgy? - All the - What's that? - Famous people in the VIP.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
I think, erm, Des Walker might be coming down.
- Des Walker? - Yeah, good friend of ours.
- No! - Yeah.
- Think he'd talk to me? - I could introduce you, no probs.
So shall we pop off? - Go and meet Des? - Yeah, let's do that.
- Let's hold hands.
- Yeah.
- OK.
- Oh, is he - Come on, Higgy.
Come on, Higgy.
Yeah, Higgy's coming.
After you, I'll get the door.
After you, mademoiselle.
- Hello, Lol.
- Hey.
- Kelly.
- You all right, Col? Good to see you.
You look just like Annie Lennox.
- Oh, thanks.
- Bros.
You're very lovely tonight, ladies.
Not as lovely as you, Sonia, obviously.
I was being nice.
- Anyway, can't stop and chat.
See you later.
- See you in a bit.
- Ta-ta.
Where you going? VIP.
VIP, where's that? Yeah, it's VIP, Kelly.
VIP.
Not in here, there isn't, surely.
MUSIC: Step On by Happy Mondays Fucking hell, it's loud! Yeah, well, it's a disco, not a wake! What's this one? I don't know this one.
This? This is the Mondays.
- Oh, is this it? - This is it.
I like it.
Fucking hell, I wish I'd had a drink.
Oh, mate, hang on.
Oh, I should have known! MUSIC: Fools Gold by Stone Roses And this, this is the fucking Roses! Wah! - Fucking hell, is she all right? - Yeah.
- She's wired! She's fine.
Come on now, Lol.
We're not kids any more, are we? Well, go and join her, then.
You're fucking coming with me.
Come on.
The gold road's sure a long road Winds on through the hills for 15 days The pack on my back is aching The strap seams cut me like a knife Higgy, you'll be wearing this, I'm afraid, my friend.
There it goes.
Look at that.
Perfect life form.
That's it.
If you just take your trousers down, so only I can see.
Is that a good height for you there, Sonia? - Just sniff this, then? - You just You just bend over and sniff that.
I'm just going to have a quick Very nice.
- You all right, there? - I'll take those down for you.
You after something? Yeah.
Two wraps of whizz, mate.
- Nice one, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
- Have a good night, lads.
Down, down, down, down D-down, down, down Down, down, down, down D-down, down, down If you could just be quiet for one bit, please.
Here it comes.
- Oh, my God.
- Fucking head down.
My head is down, what are you talking about? He keeps trying to get a sneaky peak.
- I love you so much.
- Don't flatter yourself, darling.
I really care about you.
- Do you? - Oh, yeah.
Get ready for it.
What's it like, Sonia, that? You getting high? Nah, it's really nice.
Get your fucking head Look at him! Look at him! Real sneaky bastard, you are.
Put your head down.
I love you both so much! These boots were made for walking The Marquis de Sade never made no boots like these Gold's just around the corner Breakdown's coming round the bend Ergh! HE GRUNTS Oof! Keep sniffing.
That's right.
Oh, my God.
He's coming.
- Nearly there! - Are you finished yet? - I'm coming.
I did say, didn't I? - Oh, my God! - Head down.
You sneaky bastard.
- I am not.
- I bet you are.
Ergh! Oh, God, I can't breathe.
I'm standing alone I'm watching you all I'm seeing you sinking I'm standing alone You're weighing the gold I'm watching you sinking Fool's gold Fool's gold.
'Fires are lit to prepare food and, during the night, 'Pakan has come up river to supervise the festivities 'which will lead to the naming of his child.
' PHONE RINGS Oh, fucking hell.
Hello? Hello? Oh, hello, son.
It's your dad.
Richard.
Yeah, I know.
Dad, you don't have to give me your I know it's you.
You don't have to Dad Richard? What are you on about? Thank you, son, that's For being so humorous.
Me and your mum, we felt that we ought to apologise, son.
We're We're very so We're very sorry.
What are you apologising for? We're sorry.
We're very sorry.
We meant well but, you know, it didn't pan out quite as we thought it would.
- No, it's gone massively tits up.
The thing - Well - Go on.
We'd just like to know that, - if you think we should ask Jennifer - Oh.
.
.
to stop staying over, then we are prepared to do that.
No, I don't want you to tell Jennifer to stop staying over.
We Because we have - For fuck's sake.
- We have been selfish.
We have.
- Mm.
- You know, you've just accepted it, even though - Listen, it's fine.
Well, it may well have It was obviously very, very difficult for you, then we went and did that with Mr Squires.
- I don't know what we were thinking - Dad Dad - It seemed like a good idea the other night.
Looking back on it, it just seems so stupid and I don't know why - Why we did it.
- It's fine! It's Honestly, I'd completely forgotten about it.
I'm just sat here watching a doco.
- Are you sure, son? - Yeah, honestly, it's Honestly, Dad, it's fine.
I don't want you to tell Jennifer to move out of your house.
- I think it's amazing that you're happy.
I'm made up for you both.
- Eh? Is Mum there, right next to you? - She is, yeah.
- I'm here as well.
Yeah, I know, I can hear you there.
- He says that he doesn't want us to say - Course she's there.
- To tell Jennifer to leave.
That she can - No.
- You just have to say the word.
- You just have to say the word, son.
- No.
- Just say the word.
- No, I'll say two words -- it's fine.
How does that sound? Eh? He says it's fine.
He says, "Two words -- it's fine," he says.
- Hilarious, innit? - Ah, thank you, son.
No, it's all right.
Listen, it's fine.
It's absolutely fine.
- Are you sure? You're absolutely sure? - Absolutely 100% sure.
He's sure.
He says, "Absolutely 100% sure.
" Yeah, nine o'clock.
What What What's the documentary? It's about a tribe living in the jungle.
He's watching a documentary.
It's about a tribe living in the jungle.
- Oh, right.
- Which jungle, son? Which - The Amazon.
- The Amazon? - Yeah.
- It's the Amazon.
- Oh.
Listen, they know about, er, global warming without even needing a TV or a radio or anything.
Apparently they know about global warming - without needing a TV - No technology of any kind.
Without any kind of technological apparatus or anything like that.
They just How do they How do they find out? Have they got their own sort of kind of inventions made of bamboo or anything like that? Like Son? Dad, hang on.
Hang on a minute.
Just a minute.
- I beg your pardon, love.
- Ask him how much longer it's on for.
Oh, how long is it on How long is it on for? It's on for another maybe half an hour.
Tell him we'll watch it when you get off the phone.
Well, because We might We might watch it ourselves.
- Yeah.
- And then it'll be like, er Well, we can all watch it together at the same time.
We can, like in different houses.
How mad's that? - En famille, as they say in - Yeah.
- In France.
Now, are we Do you feel like maybe we've Cos this documentary, I'm just I'm halfway in now.
- All right.
Well, I'm sorry to keep you, son.
- It's all right.
It's It's a great weight off our mind.
Yeah, well, now that I know you can sleep, will you just Just go away? Of course we will, son.
- Yeah.
- OK, son.
All right, Dad.
I love you.
Love you, Mum.
Bye, then.
- He says he loves you.
- Love you too, darling.
Speak to you soon.
- She says she loves you too.
- All right.
- All right.
All right, son.
Thanks ever so much.
Yeah, I've got to go.
See you in a bit.
All right, bye, Dad.
Bye, bye, bye, bye.
- Fucking hell.
- Bye, bye, bye.
'.
.
with the family households of the women and their husbands 'around the circumference.
'A political order of relations among the age groups 'and the performance of public ceremony 'have their focus in the men's house.
'At the age of eight, he's removed from his family house 'round the edge of the circle and goes to live in the men's house, 'which functions like a boarding school.
' - I'm hungry.
- I'm fucking starving.
- You're always hungry.
- You're always hungry.
- I'm not eating after that.
- What we having? - Deep pan? - No, don't fancy that.
Curry? Curry, that's what I want.
I haven't had curry for ages.
- Are you, Shaun? - Yeah, who are you? I'm Harris.
I'm Michelle's boyfriend.
Michelle, as in Smell? Yeah.
She told me to come tell you that she's sorry that she couldn't come, she felt a bit uncomfortable, so hope that we're cool.
Why do you think it's fucking acceptable to come over here and tell me that? Like I give a fuck what you two get up to or talk about.
- I couldn't give a fuck.
- Well, you cared about Michelle.
I do, but I don't care about you.
Yeah, but I'm doing this for Michelle.
I'm making it comfortable for her.
- Fuck off, mate.
- Yeah, I think you'd better leave it now.
- Leave it now, mate, yeah? - Thanks for you time, Harris.
- Cheers for that.
What the fuck? Why would he do that? - No, hang on a minute! Oi! - Oi, no, Shaun.
- Shaun! - Shaun, lad.
Why do you think you can come over here in front of my mates - and fucking talk to me like that? - What are you talking about? Why do you think it's acceptable to come over there and say that you're Michelle's boyfriend? Like I give a fuck.
Do you not think it would have been just left better unsaid, - do you know what I mean? - No.
I was doing it for Michelle.
- Fuck off, mate.
- What the fuck? Fucking hell! EVERYONE SHOUTS MUSIC: The Snow Prelude No.
15 by Ludovico Einaudi - Calm down, mate! - Fucking idiot! - Stop it.
- Stop it.
- Drink some blood, you fucking nobheads.
- Fucking idiot.
This is why I don't go out.